Chapter 2

MY DEAREST AGATHA,--I must tell you about an extraordinary occurrence. They were all quite respectable people, indeed most respectable. Perhaps I ought not to include Mr. Jones. He is, you know (I mention this in the strictest confidence, dearest), he is not--well, you know, he hardly belongs to our set. I cannot understand why James is so absurdly fond of him.

It was my At Home day last week and quite a lot of people, really nice people too, came in spite of the heat. The heat may have had something to do with it, but I really cannot think what it was.

I handed a plate of bread-and-butter to Miss Niccole. To my surprise she hesitated a moment and then took the plate and handed it to me. When I declined she offered it to Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson. You know, dear, she is fourth cousin to a baronet. Then the extraordinary thing occurred. Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson took the plate and offered it to Miss Niccole. When Miss Niccole declined it she offered it to Mr. Wildegoose (pronounced Wildergos, you know, dear). Then it was his turn. And so it went on. Really, it was most extraordinary. Nothing like it has ever been known in our family. I really cannot understand it.

Everybody passed the plate, and at last it came to Mr. Jones. He pointed at the top piece of bread-and-butter. Yes, he actually pointed. He then made the following extraordinary remark: "I say, hasn't this broken loose from the bread-pudding, what, what?" Thereupon he pushed it on one side and took the next slice. I was ashamed and mortified for such a thing to happen in my house. Really, it was most extraordinary.

Mr. Allen, the new curate, came in just then. He took the top slice, but I caught him absent-mindedly putting it in a flower-pot. When he saw me looking at him he blushed and started--started eating it, I mean. However, he left most of it, and when everyone was gone I examined it. It was perhaps a little hardened by the sun, but otherwise it was quite a nice piece of bread-and-butter. I cannot understand it at all. The whole thing was really most extraordinary ... most extraordinary.

Your ever loving SARAH.

II.

_Letter from Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe to Mrs. Gregory-Browne. Chiswick, 22nd July, 1914._

MY DEAREST SARAH,--I have just read your most interesting letter, and I quite agree that the whole occurrence was, as you say, most extraordinary. I mentioned it to George. He says he has no doubt at all that it was really a sound piece of bread-and-butter. I don't know whether the enclosed cutting will help you to understand, but I am sending it. It is from last Saturday's _Tooting Argus_. Somebody sent it to George.

Your loving AGATHA.

III.

Extract from _The Tooting Argus:_--

GREAT NEW FEATURE.

PROBLEMS OF CONDUCT.

(CONDUCTED BY REGINALD AUGUSTUS PLANTAGENET-HARRIS.)

_Problem 3._--A. is paying a call. His hostess offers him bread-and-butter. He notices that the top piece has suffered from the heat. What should A. do?

Answer adjudged correct.--A. should politely take the plate from his hostess, murmuring, "May I offer it to you?" If she refuses he should offer it to his nearest neighbour. When the offending slice has been got rid of in this way he can help himself to the next slice and then return the plate to its owner.

Highly commended.--A. should explain to his hostess that he has a peculiar hobby, to wit, collecting slices of bread-and-butter from the houses of the great. His collection of Royal Family slices is unrivalled. Might he have the pleasure and honour of adding to his collection this dainty specimen? He should then reverently fold the slice in two and place it in his breast-pocket.

[Our only objection to this is that it seems a rather greasy thing to do.]

Incorrect answers:--(1) A. should make a facetious remark, such as, "Hasn't this escaped from the bread pudding?" He should then playfully but firmly push the slice aside and trust to luck on the next.

(2) A. must out of courtesy to his hostess accept thankfully whatever she places before him. Any other course of conduct would be an affront. It now however becomes his personal property and he can adopt whichever of the following courses is most convenient--

(a) Secrete it in a fancy flower-pot or in the gramophone.

(b) If the dog is a silent eater hold it behind his back so that the dog may get it.

NOTE.--If the dog refuses to touch it, say loudly, "I cannot understand how any animal can decline such delightful bread-and-butter." He can then openly dispose of it in the grate or the waste-paper-basket on the ground that the dog's nose has vitiated its freshness.

* * * * *

LOVE'S LABOUR WELL LOST.

[_Lines inspired by a dark lady, who remarked_, à propos _of a recent disaster, that all fair girls were untrustworthy._]

Phyllis hath a roving eye, Palest blue--a candid feature Which informs the passer-by Phyllis is a flighty creature; Golden locks and fair complexion Also point in that direction.

I, who had arranged to be Joined to Phyllis by the vicar, Now that she has jilted me Scorn to seek relief in liquor. Or the tears that folk are shedding (Having missed a swagger wedding).

He who stole my love away Cannot hope for long survival, And I pity him to-day As I did a former rival Who believed her single-hearted When my own flirtation started.

* * * * *

The Journalistic Touch.

I.

"The Imperial yacht with the Tsar and Imperial Family on board steamed through the British lines yesterday, afterwards lunching on the British flagship."--_Bombay Chronicle._

II.

Of the Rose Walk at Purley:--

"Then the material loveliness becomes the diaphanous veil through which glint realities of which all phenomena are expressions."--_Croydon Advertiser & Surrey County Reporter._

III.

"His memory and his noble face, and reverend crown of snow, will be a green spot, and indelibly written in our minds, whilst life lasts."--_Methodist Recorder._

* * * * *

"The work of restoring the church tower at Cheriton Bishop has been completed, and Mr. Leach has been completed, and Mr. W. Leach has entertained the men engaged on the work at tea."--_Western Morning News._

And so everyone is satisfied.

* * * * *

"To-day two Greek documents (one of them dated 88 B.C., and supposed to be the earliest document on parchment known) will be sold."--_Daily Graphic._

Scholarly letter-writers before the Christian era were always careful to put B.C. after the year.

* * * * *

THE YOUNG OF THE SEA-SERPENT.

With the approach of the silly season one's thoughts turn naturally to the prospect of stealing into print and enjoying all the sweets of authorship without the reception of a cheque to vulgarise them. An infinite variety of topics, our representative gathered yesterday, is now on the eve of discussion, and the quill that cannot find something to say on at least one of them had better return to its native goose without delay.

"Mother of Ten," we were informed by the courteous editor of _The Halfpenny Bleater_, will as usual open that journal's discussion, and this year her thoughts have turned to bathing fatalities. "Should Land Crabs Learn Swimming" is the subject which she (or, to betray an office secret, he) has selected. Due emphasis on the necessity for university costume in the case of an affirmative reply to the question will be laid by "Paterfamilias," who will contribute the second letter of the series.

_The Morning Dip_ will maintain its reputation for intellectuality with a spiritual discussion on "Has Life a Double Meaning?" or "Is Existence a Joke?"--the exact title has not yet been decided. "Constant Reader" has already bought a penny packet of assorted stationery and charged it to the office petty cash, and only a really good murder can prevent the early appearance of his letter. As readers will remember, correct spelling is a feature of this author's work.

In pursuance of its settled policy _The Daily Giggle_ will appeal more especially to the fair sex. There is more than a touch of pathos in the signature "Orphan Boy," which will appear at the foot of his letter on the subject, "Are First Cousins Kissable?"

Perhaps, however, the most vital question of all will be raised in _The Daily Jingo_, where "Pro Bono Publico" will lay down his views on "Our Softening Sinews." In his well-known style, which is so happy a blend of public spirit and split infinitives, he will plead for less indulgence in our dealings with the young. "We are," he says in his peroration, which we were privileged to see, "raising up a soft breed, and we shall live to bitterly rue it. The future of the race is, of course, on the knees of the gods, but let us determine to also lay it across the knee of parent and schoolmaster. So shall the rising generation learn the merits of the strong right arm that has made England what it is."

In conjunction with _The Perfect Little Lady_, which will discuss "The Highest Type of Man," the editor of _The Brain Pan_ will throw open his columns to all those with views on "The Most Attractive Girl." For the start he has secured the services of "Virile Englishman," who will put aside her knitting to take up the pen in obedience to his commands. _The Perfect Little Lady_'s first letter will be contributed by "Sweet Seventeen," who has studied her subject by diligent attendance at all the best boxing matches of the current year.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"'I do not see why, I do not see why,' he repeated, rising up and down."--_The Times._

We do not see how.

* * * * *

A New Way to Deal with the Cold.

"Originally fitted with luxurious saloons and cabins for tourists to Greenland and Spitzbergen, the Endurance is a very different ship to-day. Her cabins are being turned into store-rooms and officers and crew will sleep in odd corners, for two years' provisions have to be curried."--_Evening News._

* * * * *

"The music of Borodin, the composer of 'Prince Igor,' is little known in England, apart from the Polovtsienne Dances which, owing to their wind and barbaric character, have been so popular a feature of the performances of the Russian Ballet."--_Musical Opinion._

Why drag in the wind? The strings were just as good as the wind when we were there.

* * * * *

* * * * *

FACT AND FABLE.

For miles I'd tramped by down and hill; With eve I found the happy ending; All in the sunset, golden chill, The collie met me, grave, befriending. I saw the roof-tree down the vale, Brave fields of harvest spread thereunder; The collie waved a feathery tail And led me to the House of Wonder.

Houses, like people, so I've thought, Bear character upon their faces, Born of their company and wrought Upon by inward gifts and graces: Here, through the harvest's gold array And evening's mellow _far niente_, Looked kindliness and work-a-day, And happy hours and peace and plenty.

And, lo, it seemed the Downs amid I'd found a folded bit of Britain, Laid by in lavender and hid The year--let's say--_Tom Jones_ was written; An old farm manor-house it is With fantails fluttering on the gables, A place of men and memories And solid facts and homespun fables.

For Fact: a fortnight passed me by Mid ancient oak and secret panel And strawberries of late July And distant glimpses of the Channel; Fair morns to wake on--were they not?-- Full of the pigeons' coo and cadence, Each day a page of CALDECOTT, All cream and flowers and pretty maidens.

For Fable: as I smoked a pipe And havered with a black-haired cowman, Grey-eyed, in that fine Celtic type, As much the poet as the ploughman-- "Seems kind of lucky here," said I; "The very ducklings look more downy Than others do." He grinned: "An' why? May happen, Sir, we feeds a brownie!

"'There isn't many left,' says you; As hearts grow hard the breed gets rarer; Yet, when he goes, the luck goes too, And prices fall and boards be barer; But if so be you does your part An' feeds him fair and treats folk proper, Keepin' for all the kindly heart-- The lucky Lad's a certain stopper!"

***

Well, should you go by Butser way And hit the god-sent path, and follow, You'll find, at closing of the day, The old house in the valley-hollow, Laid by in lavender, forgot, The home of peace and ancient plenty; A brownie may be there or not-- The hearts are kind enough for twenty!

* * * * *

Cause and Effect?

"Of the five catalpa trees in the Embankment-gardens the finest has been blighted. The tree is close to the National Liberal Club."--_Leicester Daily Mercury._

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Monday, July 20._--The T. R. Westminster is at least equal to the old T. R. Drury Lane in capacity for producing dramatic turns. When Members went off on Saturday for week-end holiday the Ulster attitude was pretty generally understood. Ulster demanded "a clean cut," with the alternative, phrased by CARSON, of "Come over and fight us." The Cabinet after prolonged deliberation had resolved to meet demand with firm _non possumus_: PREMIER was expected on resumption of Sittings this afternoon to announce conclusion of matter, adding such offer of concession on matter of detail as, whilst providing golden bridge for Opposition, would avert revolt in his own camp, where "conversations" with leaders of Opposition are regarded with growing jealousy and suspicion.

New stage in long-drawn-out controversy sufficient to create profoundest interest in to-day's proceedings. It would surely be the beginning of the end. What exactly the PREMIER would say about further concession to Ulster, and how the overtures would be received on Front Opposition Bench, were questions on which might hang the issue of peace or war.

PREMIER had a more startling message to deliver. From point of view of dramatic effect it was a thousand pities his secret had been prematurely disclosed. When he rose amid profound stillness of crowded House everyone knew what he was going to say. In ordinary circumstances his interposition at so critical a juncture would have been hailed by resounding applause from the multiform sections that contribute to making up of Ministerial majority. As matters turned out, a frigid cheer greeted his appearance at the Table. To the announcement that "in view of the grave situation the KING has thought it right to summon representatives of Parties, both British and Irish, to a Conference in Buckingham Palace, with the object of discussing outstanding issues in relation to the problem of Irish government," he had only one new thing to add. It was that the SPEAKER would preside over the Conference.

This was the only passage in the brief formal conversation, to which LEADER OF OPPOSITION and LEADER OF IRISH NATIONALISTS contributed, that elicited general cheer. A high tribute to occupant of the Chair.

GINNELL saw his opportunity and seized it by the hair. He is one of three leaders of the Irish Nationalists. Understood that his Party consists of a single member, so shadowy that there are varied reports as to his identity. Member for N.W. Meath leaped on to pinnacle of enduring fame when the present Parliament met to elect a Speaker. Before Mr. LOWTHER was qualified to take the Chair, and whilst as yet no recognised authority existed, GINNELL, master of the situation, delivered a long harangue. Proposed now to offer a few remarks "as an independent Irish Nationalist."

SPEAKER on point of order restricting him to putting a question, he "begged to ask the PRIME MINISTER what precedent he had and what authority to advise the KING to place himself at the head of a conspiracy to defeat the decision of this House?"

"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table," said the SPEAKER.

The observation did not appear relevant. It met the occasion. It brought up LEVERTON HARRIS, newly elected for East Worcestershire, who found his welcome the warmer by reason of the fact that he had been a passive instrument in avoiding what might under less adroit management have developed into a disorderly scene.

_Business done._--PREMIER announces Conference upon Ulster question to meet at Buckingham Palace on the invitation of HIS MAJESTY.

_Tuesday._--Dull sitting closed in lively conversation arising on motion for adjournment. RUPERT GWYNNE, jealous for due observance of traditions of House, has noticed with concern the departure for Canada for indefinite period of Member for East St. Pancras. At Question time asked CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER whether Mr. MARTIN had applied for Chiltern Hundreds. Answered in the negative, he put a further question to PREMIER, directing his attention to Act of 6 HENRY VIII. c. 16, ordering that no Member of Parliament shall absent himself from attendance except he have licence of Mr. SPEAKER. This upon pain of having his wages docked. PREMIER brushed him aside with one of his brief answers.

GWYNNE not the man to be shouldered off the path of duty when it lies straight before him. Here was a Member in receipt of £400 a year leaving the place of business where it was assumed to be earned, not even taking the trouble to follow example of the clerk who, left in sole charge of his master's office, wrote in legible hand, "Back D'reckly," affixed notice to front door and went forth to enjoyment of prolonged meal.

Since he could get no satisfaction at Question time he kept Members in, after hour of adjournment, in order to debate subject.

Unfortunately it turned out that he was not exactly the man to have undertaken the job. Amid laughter and hilarious cheering HOME SECRETARY pointed out that here was a case of Satan reproving sin. Reference to the records showed that during the time payment of Members has been in vogue, of 687 divisions GWYNNE was absent from 424. (GWYNNE later corrected these figures.) During that time he had drawn from the Exchequer salary amounting to £1,000.

"On his own principle, that payment should be in proportion to attendance, the hon. Member," said the HOME SECRETARY, "is entitled to only £400. Being so conscientious no doubt he will repay to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER the balance of £600."

HELMSLEY, gallantly coming to assistance of friend in dire straits, himself fell into the bog. It appeared that of 1056 divisions taken in two Sessions he had been absent from 602. Here was another unexpected little windfall for the Exchequer.

At this stage it was found expedient to drop the subject; adjournment not further resisted.

_Business done._--Budget Bill dealt with on Report stage.

_Thursday._--With that austerity that since Stuart times has marked relations of House of Commons with royalty Mr. HOGGE is known at Westminster simply as the Member for East Edinburgh, a position he with characteristic modesty accepts. But blood, especially royal blood, like murder, will out. Lineal descendant of one of the oldest dynasties in the world's history, Mr. HOGGE cannot be expected always and altogether to be free from ancestral influence. Something of the hauteur of 'OGGE, King of Bashan (or, as some records have it, OG) is discerned in his attitude and manner when, throned on corner seat below Gangway, he occasionally deigns to direct the PRIME MINISTER in the way he should go.

Such opportunity presented itself in connection with meeting of Conference which through the Parliamentary week has centred upon Buckingham Palace the attention of mankind. With respect to palaces Mr. HOGGE is by family association an expert.

"Why Rookery?" _Miss Betsey Trotwood_ sharply asked _David Copperfield_ when he casually mentioned his mother's postal address.

"Why Buckingham Palace?" asked Mr. HOGGE, bending severe glance on Treasury Bench whence the PREMIER had judiciously fled.

St. Stephen's, which houses the Member for East Edinburgh, is also a royal palace. Why then was not the Conference held within its walls, instead of under the roof of what he loftily alluded to as "the domestic Palace"?

This and much more, with covert references to machinations of the two Front Benches, Mr. HOGGE wanted to know.

The PRIME MINISTER, uneasily conscious of the coming storm, had, as mentioned, discreetly disappeared. As an offering to righteous indignation he left behind him on the Treasury Bench the body of ATTORNEY-GENERAL. That astute statesman avoided difficulty and personal disaster by meekly undertaking to lay before the PRIME MINISTER the views so eloquently and pointedly set forth by the hon. Member.

Mr. HOGGE graciously assented to this course, and what at the outset looked like threatening incident terminated.

_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Third Reading without a division.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"Mr. Hogge: Can the Prime Minister say whether any of those taking part in the Conference attached any conditions to their entering the Conference?

'I cannot sty,' replied the Premier."--_Evening News._

Was this quite worthy of the PRIME MINISTER? We ourselves do not care for these personal jokes on people's names.

* * * * *

"Mr. Asquith's statement was thus of sensational interest, because it represented the last effort at the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour to avert Civil War."--_Dublin Evening Mail._

No need to hurry. There are still forty-nine minutes left.

* * * * *

The Finances of Cricket.

"Cumberland batted first and reached the total of £272, C. A. Hardcastle (87), R. B. Brown (41), and R. C. Saint (27) being the chief contributors."--_Daily News and Leader._

* * * * *

Suggested mottoes for the L.C.C.:--

"PROGRESS MODERATELY."

"TRAM UP A CHILD."

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE MISSIONARY.

Where Oriental calm derides Our Occidental stress And Ninety-seven E. collides With Five-and-twenty S.,

You'll find a product of the West, A Bachelor of Arts, Who blends a mind of youthful zest With patriarchal parts.

Each morning mid his rubber trees He rides an ancient hack, A cassock girt above his knees, A topee tilted back.

Now reining in his steed to preach A parable on sap, Now vaulting from his seat to teach The proper way to tap.