Part 2

You have a strong grasp of a situation, BENJAMIN, and the scene where _Uncle Henry_ slips on the butter slide is quite thrilling. But you must compress a little and avoid certain faults of style. "She hove a sigh" is wrong; and I do not like "'Pshaw,' he _shouted_"; I do not think it could be done. I tried myself in my bath and swallowed a lot of soapy water. Pray be more careful.

I certainly like to hear from such an enthusiastic reader as WIGWAM. His idea, of going to a fancy-dress ball dressed in a number of old copies of _Wopple's Weekly_ is excellent and, if they let him in, ought to be a great success. I hope he wins the hair comb. As to his verses I have often seen worse. With a rhyming dictionary (for rhyming) and an ordinary one (for spelling) WIGWAM should go far.

ANGELINA'S poem shows a nice domestic feeling which I appreciate. In these days of Suffragettes it is not every authoress who will say--

"I like to see a familiar face And I think home is a beautiful place."

But though "mother," as she says, is a very beautiful word it does not rhyme with "forever." "Other," "brother" and "smother" are the rhymes that I always recommend.

LEONIDAS has made a great improvement since I had to speak to him so severely last spring. _Sly Sarah_ is quite a clever tale, and before very long LEONIDAS will find himself writing for _Soapy Bits_ and papers of that calibre. Of this I am sure. His characterization is strong, his style is redolent of _bravura_ and his general atmosphere is _fortissimo_. The character of the archdeacon might be improved; indeed, if LEONIDAS is going to send it to _The Diocesan Monthly_, I should say it must be improved. Why should he slap _Sarah's_ face? No reason is given for this, and it is surely a very questionable action. Human nature may be human nature, but archdeacons are archdeacons. By the way there is only one _l_ in spoonful.

HENRY must be careful. This is the third time he has sent me his epic. There are limits.

There is not much demand for tales of this description, HOPEFUL. But as you say you like writing them I do not see who is to prevent you. If you can get the permission of the local authorities by all means give a reading at the Home for the Half-Witted.

I have no doubt CLAPHAM ROVER means well, but he has a lot to learn. There are no events of any kind in the three tales he sends me. The only thing that ever happens is that the hero is kicked downstairs. Even then he lies prostrate in the hall for two days. Surely the maids might have swept him up. CLAPHAM ROVER must remember the great words of DEMOSTHENES when he swallowed a pebble on the sea beach: "Action, action, and again action." He was thinking of lawyers, of course, but his words have a lesson for us all.

INGENUOUS is the exact opposite of CLAPHAM ROVER. I rise from his tale an absolute wreck. "Splash, she was in the river;" "plonk, he was on the floor;" "whiz, a bullet shot past him." INGENUOUS must really go more quietly and make a little less noise. Why not write a few essays on some of our lesser known female didactic writers, or some such subjects as "People one is surprised to hear that Dr. JOHNSON never met?" It would do him a lot of good. But above all he must study that master of Quietism, the incomparable author of _The Woman's Touch_, _The Silent Preacher_, _Through a College Key-hole_.

PARSIFAL has pained me very much. He sent me a long poem, and after I had given him a very detailed criticism I discovered that he had simply copied out a poem of WORDSWORTH'S familiar to us all from our earliest childhood. I have lost his address, so I cannot tell him privately what I think of him, but it was a dirty trick.

CIUDAD RODRIGO (I don't know why he calls himself that; he writes from Balham) sends me an essay on GEORGE BORROW. It follows with great fidelity the line of established fact, never deviating into the unknown. After reading it I felt that I did not want to hear any more about GEORGE BORROW for a long time.

ARRIÈRE PENSÉE, TOOTLES, PONGO and HUGGING: see answer to CIUDAD RODRIGO.

I did an injustice to PARNASSIAN in my answer to him last week. Owing to a misprint I was made to say that "his poems were written" (which they were not, but typed, and very excellently typed too). What I meant to say was that his poems were rotten. Sorry.

* * * * *

THE MILITANT'S SONG.

EACH morning, vigorous and bright, I sing my little song:-- "If I don't do the thing that's right I'll do the thing that's wrong."

And if I chance to miss my aim By slight miscalculation I go on singing just the same With equal exaltation.

So when I light my little sticks To burn up "No. 8" And find I've kindled "No. 6" My joy is just as great.

And when my little stones I dash At windows in a hurry And hear the corner lamp-post smash I see no cause to worry.

And when I take my little whip To punish "Mr. A." And find I've made another slip I giggle out, "Hurray!"

And under lock and key I trill, Although my cell's a strong one:-- "I didn't hit the right man, still At least I hit the wrong one."

* * * * *

Bethnal Green and Leith.

We are asked to say that some of the best friends of the Government take a grave view of the acclamations with which the Liberal Press has been greeting the recent "moral victories" of the Party at the polls. A few more of these moral victories and the language o£ triumph will, they fear, be exhausted before an actual victory occurs.

* * * * *

"Lord Plymouth's donation of £30,000 completes the purchase of the Crystal Palace. The shortage was due to Mr. Camberwell's refusal to contribute, and also to a reduction in Mr. Pinge's contribution by £15,000."

_Otago Daily Times._

On the other hand we are glad to be in a position to say that Lord Penge, the Hon. Mrs. Sydenham Hill and the Dowager Lady Dulwich have behaved most generously.

* * * * *

"Respecting Ichthemic Guano, you can make use of my name, as it is one of the best fertilisers on the market."

_From a Trade Circular._

We should like to know what our old friend Ichthemic Guano has to say about this. He will not like to hear that anybody else's name competes with his in the fertilising market.

* * * * *

* * * * *

BELLES LETTRES AND OTHERS.

Most of us have been startled to observe how very far real life falls short of the standard of books. The realisation has come home to me with great force after reading _Whispers of Passion_, a collection of love-letters by "Amorosa," which I could not refrain from comparing with certain authentic love-letters (as I suppose I must call them) which happen to be in my possession.

What a contrast! What a melancholy contrast!

Here, for example, is the tender opening of one of "Amorosa's" efforts:

"BELOVED,--This morning I saw the sun rise from behind the grey hills that rampart our secluded vale. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, as I watched, the sombre robes of the Night were irradiated and enrosed by the mysterious fires of the Dawn. And herein, my dear one, I seemed to grasp a deathless symbol of the awakening of Love between us, the first slow gilding of our grey lives by the roseate glamour of romance...."

And so on. Now read this, taken from one in my own collection treating of the same subject:--

"DEAR WOGGLES,--How _dare_ you hint that I'm lazy? As a matter of fact I saw the sunrise only this morning, which reminds me of a story. I daresay you know it already. A small boy decided to keep a diary, and the first entry he made was: '_1st January--Got up at 8.15._' His mater objected to this on the ground that _got up_ was too slangy. 'Look at the sun,' she said. 'The sun doesn't _get up_; it _rises_.' The same evening, after the boy had gone to bed, she looked at the diary again. There was only one other entry: '_Set at 9._'

Not much of a yarn, is it, Woggles? But still it's good enough for you...."

Or consider this beautiful conclusion:

"... Dear, I am all thine. My soul calls to thee across the night; the beating of my heart cries through the darkness--Thine, thine, thine!

Good night, adored one, good night.

AMOROSA."

And contrast it with the following:--

"... And now I must dry up or I shan't be in bed by midnight, and the old man will lose his hair and say I'm ruining my precious constitution. Ta ta. Be a good infant.

Yours, MADGE."

"Amorosa's" lover appears to have sent her a bracelet, and must have felt richly repaid when he received this:--

"... As I clasped the slender circlet around my wrist I seemed to hear a voice which said, 'This is pure gold; let your love be pure. It is an emblem of infinity; let your trust be infinite. It is a pledge of fidelity; let your faithfulness be immutable...."

But this is how Madge expresses herself on a similar occasion:--

"... Thanks very much for the bracelet. It seems pretty decent...."

Let me give two other extracts which happen to treat of similar themes. Here is the first:--

"... I heard music surging in great waves of divine beauty from Belnobbio's 'cello, and, magically, wonderfully, it lured and compelled my thoughts, beloved one, to you. In all those immortal harmonies I heard your voice; the Master's rapt features faded into mist, and I saw instead your own grave, strong face. Tell me, what is this power which can so converge all beauties to one centre?..."

And here is the second:--

"... I went to hear Kranzer yesterday, and oh, Woggles, I tell you, he is the edge, the very ultimate edge! I _rave_ over him day and night. I'm madly, head-over-heels, don't-know-how-to-express-it in love with him. I'm going to throw you over and follow him about all round the world, and whenever I get the chance just lie down and let him wipe his boots on me. So--resign yourself to it; you'll probably never see again,

Your fatally smitten MADGE."

Occasionally, it is true, there occurs in these deplorable letters just a touch of sentiment, but how crudely, how prosaically expressed. Immediately after the passage quoted above, for instance, I find this:--

"P.S.--Dear old boy, you don't mind when I rag you, do you? Here's just a teeny-weeny × for you. M."

How does "Amorosa" phrase such a sentiment?

"... My lips cannot touch your lips, but my soul seeks yours, and in that spiritual embrace there is something of eternity."

* * *

And yet, after all----

* * * * *

* * * * *

GNOMES FOR GOLFERS.

In April when the cuckoos call Glue both your optics on the ball.

In May avoid the water-ouzel Whose warning note predicts a foozle.

In Summer when the lies are good Propel it smartly with the wood.

In August should the peacock shriek Renounce the baffy for the cleek;

But if your stroke becomes too "sclaffy" Give up the cleek and use the baffy.

In Autumn when the lies are clammy Replace the brassie by the "Sammy."

But when the course is dry and grassy Replace the "Sammy" by the brassie.

In Winter when the lies are slimy Be up or in, or lay a stymie.

When caddies chatter on the green Rebuke them, but remain serene.

But when they hiccough on the tee Pay them their regulation fee.

Whene'er you chance to top your drive Before you speak count twenty-five.

But if you slice into the rough Thirty will hardly be enough.

When beaten by a single putt You may ejaculate, "Tut, tut."

But if you're downed at dormy nine Language affords no anodyne.

Where frequent pots the green environ Take turf approaching with the iron.

No game is lost until it's won; The duffer may hole out in one.

If down the course the pill you'd punch Be careful what you eat at lunch.

A simple cut from off the joint May cure your shots to cover-point.

But lobsters, trifle and champagne May even prove the plus-man's bane.

* * * * *

The Nine St. Denys's.

"Thereupon the Labour party sang 'The Red Flag,' the deportees joining in the chorus, bearing their heads during the singing."

_South Wales Echo._

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Lords, Monday, February 23rd._--Temporarily relieved from thoughts of Ulster or meditations upon Marconi, House gave itself up to bright debate on question not less attractive because of spice of personality. Spice acquired additional piquancy since it was not supposed to be there. Its absence was indeed formally insisted upon. "Oh no, we never mention him. His name is never heard." All the same, as debate went forward, names _did_ occur. Glances, furtively shot from side to side of House, casually rested upon particular seats, whether empty or occupied.

SELBORNE introduced subject by moving Resolution condemning principle that a contribution to Party funds should be a consideration to a Minister recommending to the Sovereign bestowal of a titular honour. Subject delicate one to handle. As SELBORNE admitted, WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE and RIBBLESDALE in succession concurring, it was not a Party question. Notorious that since the days of Lord NORTH both political parties are tarred with same brush. Through difficult circumstances SELBORNE adroitly picked his way in lively speech. Sorely handicapped by Resolution, the effect of which, even with assistance of other House, would, as RIBBLESDALE pointed out, be absolutely nil. "In the end," he said, "both Houses would be only expressing a pious, almost a Pharisaical opinion."

This conceded, the Lords, having no work to do, might have done much worse than devote sitting to breezy debate.

WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE at his best in his enunciation of principles upon which, were he dispenser of honours in the Radical camp, he would choose his peers. Whilst taking broad view of case on eugenic principles, he would be inclined to make selection in favour of childless candidates.

"The sons of newly-created Radical peers are," he shrewdly remarked, "almost certain to be Tories, while a Radical grandson of a Radical peer is a phenomenon never seen."

Incidentally the bold Baron took occasion to remark that his own title was conferred upon an ancestor in reward for active part taken in placing the Tudor dynasty on the throne. Some noble lords, whose patent to peerage is of rather more recent date, whilst agreeing generally with his views, thought this remark superfluous. Why drag in the Tudors?

WILLOUGHBY'S graphic account of an interview with the agent of a moneyed applicant for honours was capped by RIBBLESDALE, who confided to listening Senate particulars of occasions when, as a Whip he had from time to time been "approached."

MILNER, shocked by what he regarded as frivolity, proposed to treat the subject "with a slight approach to seriousness." Proposal cast a blight over proceedings which were hurried to conclusion.

_Business done._--SELBORNE'S Resolution agreed to with verbal amendment.

_House of Commons, Tuesday._--Resemblance of House of Commons to the sea never more strikingly illustrated than at to-night's sitting. For five hours and a half deadliest calm reigned. Benches less than half full. Questions droned through appointed period. House got into Committee of Supply on Civil Service estimates. Votes for Colonial Service offered occasion for debate on Camel Corps disaster in Somaliland last August. LULU defended in detail the policy and action of his department. At half-past eight, talk still dragging slow length along, he moved closure. Division on proposal to reduce the estimate, equivalent to vote of censure, ran Government majority up to 125.

Suddenly scene changed. It was the mid-dinner hour, period at which House is as a rule dismally empty. The four-hundred-and-seventy Members who had taken part in the division, instead of fleeing in accordance with custom as if fire had broken out, made for their seats, whence rose the buzz of excited talk that presages a tempest.

The miracle was worked by Ulster. FALLE, having by favour of fortune at ballot-box secured portion of sitting as Private Member's property, moved Resolution calling upon PRIME MINISTER, forthwith to submit to House his proposals for alteration of Government of Ireland Bill. Opposition mustered in support. Ministerialists whipped up to last man. When, following mover and seconder of Resolution, PREMIER appeared at the table he was welcomed by shout of exultant cheering. Significant contrast with his reception when, a fortnight earlier, he stood in same place and seemed inclined to dally with proposal for exclusion of Ulster. Instinctively, or through whispered information, Ministerialists knew he was now, as they put it, "going straight."

Their most sanguine expectation justified. PREMIER in fine fighting form.

"Gentlemen opposite," he scornfully said, "seem to think we here can be likened to a beleaguered garrison, driven by the stress of warfare into an untenable position with failing supplies, with exhausted ammunition, with shaken nerves, and that it is for them, the minority of this House, to dictate the terms of capitulation that are to determine whether we are to be allowed to surrender with or without the honours of war."

That sufficed to indicate his position. Whilst disclosure increased enthusiasm on Ministerial side it correspondingly inflamed passion on benches opposite.

There was an anxious moment when fisticuffs seemed imminent across the table in close proximity to shocked Mace. CARSON making interruption (one of a continuous series), PREMIER thought it was WALTER LONG, and severely enjoined him to restrain himself. LONG hotly retorted that he had not spoken. Angry cheers and counter-cheers resounded in opposing camps. PREMIER, accepting assurance of his mistake, apologised. Fisticuffs postponed.

Warned by experience, PREMIER took no notice when MOORE OF ARMAGH shouted, "Why do you funk a General Election?" or when later he received from same source disclaimer of belief in his sincerity; or when another Ulster Member characterised forceful passage in his speech as "Tomfoolery."

Fresh roar of cheering broke over excited host of Ministerialists when by way of last word PREMIER declared, "We are not going at the eleventh hour to betray a great cause."

_Business done._--Proverbially swift descent from sublime to ridiculous. Demand of Opposition for instant disclosure of Ministerial plan altering Home Rule Bill met by Amendment from Liberal side declaring confidence in Government. This carried by majority of 73. When put as substantial Resolution eleven o'clock had struck. No opposed business may be taken after that hour. House accordingly forthwith adjourned. Record of night's business in Journals of House prepared for perusal of posterity is comprehended in word "That----"

_Thursday._--House puzzled by question on Paper standing in name of H. P. CROFT. Member for Christchurch desires "to ask the Secretary of State for the Colonies whether he has received petitions in favour of immediate legislation dealing with imported plumage through all or any of the Prime Ministers of the States of Australia."

How, why and under what circumstances plumage should be "imported through" Prime Ministers of the Australian Commonwealth no one can guess. Generally agreed that, if such painful procedure actually be the Colonial custom, prohibitive legislation cannot be too soon undertaken.

SYDNEY HOLLAND, for many years the prop and stay of the London Hospital, has taken his seat in the House of Lords on accession to the Viscountcy of Knutsford. Apart from hereditary claim, he is the ideal type of the class of peer whom reformers on both sides look to for restoration of the prestige and usefulness of the Upper Chamber. Nevertheless it is hoped he will not give up to Westminster what was meant for mankind--the splendid devotion of capacity and energy to the service of the sick poor of London.

_Business done._--In Committee on Supplementary Estimates.

* * * * *

The New Matrimonial Insurance.

"HUSBAND INSURED AWAY."

"_Daily Mail" Heading._

* * * * *

* * * * *

The Land Campaign once more.

"Large Foot Path, very strong, reduced to 6s. 11d., less than half-price."

_Advt. in "The Accrington Observer._"

* * * * *

"Are we not having just a little too much London? A glance over our rapidly growing fixture list suggests that the predominance of the great Metrolopis in matters of golfing is becoming rather too pronounced."--_Golfing._

It's not fair to the privonces.

* * * * *

"Members of the Chicago Bachelor Girls' Club, who number sixty at present, say they must receive affirmative answers to this list of questions before they will marry:

... Have you bad habits, such as drinking or smoking to excess?..."--_Daily Mirror._

"The answer is in the affirmative."

"Then I am yours."

* * * * *

A SIGN OF DECAY.

(_A bull recently got into a china shop, but was coaxed out before any damage was done._)

WE cut but a decadent figure; Our virtues grow sickly and pale; Our forefathers' valour and vigour Live only in poem and tale; Our thews are beginning to soften; No more are we sturdy and hard; These facts have been often and often Explained to the bard.

But still to despondent repining He never consented to yield; For comfort amid our declining He looked to the beasts of the field; Though others grew haggard with grief, he Maintained a refusal to quake So long as our bulls remained beefy And a steak _was_ a steak.

But now there _is_ cause to repine, a Dread portent of what to expect: A bull has got loose in the china And nothing, no, nothing's been wrecked. Where fragments were wont to be scattered Like forest leaves under a gale Not even a saucer was shattered By a flick of the tail.

Oh, say, can this care for the teacup Proclaim that the common decay Is busting the bovine physique up And hasting the horrible day When the bard, too, must take up the story That the halo of England grows dim, Since the beef, whence she gathered her glory, Is void of its vim?

* * * * *

Honours Easy.

"£25 Reward. Lost, either at Folkestone Harbour or from a Pullman Car, a Gentleman's Fur Coat, lined with minx."

_Morning Post._

* * * * *

"Miss Trenerry, wearing a coat of rose charmeuse, with white fur collar, and several gentlemen."--_Express and Echo (Exeter)._

* * * * *

"Young Man requires board and lodging in Carshalton; hot and cold bath preferred."