Chapter 2

_Tuppence_! The fearful sound Pealed like an organ crash; Once more the mesh was drawing round, But still I cried, "Economy!" and drowned The still small voice, and in the Underground Flaunted _The Daily Flash._

Short shrift for those that err! Jove has rebuked my sin: Now, helpless and without demur, You shall behold me where the tube-lifts purr Pale captive to the penny _Thunderer_ With supplements heaved in.

Only one thing I cry, With tears and laughter mixed, That those who speed or far or nigh The swift-winged wains of the Electric Ry., And furnish them with little thongs whereby The passengers are fixed.

Shall heed the altered price, Shall change with changing times, And run some trains more slow than mice, Stopping between each station once or twice, Fitted with lecterns of a fair device To help me read my _Chimes._

EVOE.

* * * * *

"THE ORGANIZER, MARCH, 1914.

TROUBLE always follows misunderstanding. The worst kind of trouble comes from failure to realize the extent of one's capacity.

LEARN YOUR REAL VALUE.

PRICE TWOPENCE."

Even this doesn't encourage us.

* * * * *

ORANGES AND LEMONS.

III.--SETTLING DOWN.

The villa was high up on the hill, having (as Simpson was to point out several times later) Mentone on its left hand and Monte Carlo on its right. A long winding path led up through its garden of olives to the front door, and through the mimosa trees which flanked this door we could see already a flutter of white aprons. The staff was on the loggia waiting to greet us.

We halted a moment out of sight of the ladies above and considered ourselves. It came to us with a sudden shock that we were a very large party.

"I suppose," said Archie to Simpson, "they do expect all of us and not only you? You told them that about half London was coming?"

"We're only six," said Myra, "because I've just counted again, but we seem about twenty."

"It's quite all right," said Simpson cheerfully. "I said we'd be six."

"But six in a letter is much smaller than six of us like this; and when they see our luggage----"

"Let's go back," I suggested, suddenly nervous. To be five guests of the guest of a man you have never met is delicate work.

At this critical moment Archie assumed command. He is a Captain in the Yeomanry and has tackled bigger jobs than this in his time.

"We must get ourselves into proper order," he said. "Simpson, the villa has been lent to _you_; you must go first. Dahlia and I come next. When we arrive you will introduce us as your friends, Mr. and Mrs. Mannering. Then turning to Myra you say, 'Mr. Mannering's sister; and this,' you add, 'is her husband.' Then--er--Thomas----"

"It will be difficult to account for Thomas," I said.

"Thomas comes at the end. He hangs back a little at first; and then if he sees that there is going to be any awkwardness about him, he can pretend he's come on the wrong night, and apologise and go home again."

"If Thomas goes, I go," said Myra dramatically.

"I have another idea," I said. "Thomas hides here for a bit. We introduce ourselves and settle in, and have lunch; and after lunch we take a stroll in the garden, and to our great surprise discover Thomas. 'Thomas,' we say, '_you_ here? Dear old chap, we thought you were in England. How splendid! Where are you staying? Oh, but you must stop with _us_; we can easily have a bed put up for you in the garage.' And then----"

"Not after lunch," said Thomas; "before lunch."

"Don't all be so silly," smiled Dahlia. "They'll wonder what has happened to us if we wait any longer. Besides, the men will be here with the luggage directly. Come along."

"Samuel," said Archie, "forward."

In our new formation we marched up, Simpson excited and rehearsing to himself the words of introduction, we others outwardly calm. At a range of ten yards he opened fire. "How do you do?" he beamed. "Here we all are! Isn't it a lovely----"

The cook-housekeeper, majestic but kindly, came forward with outstretched hand and welcomed him volubly--in French. The other three ladies added their French to hers. There was only one English body on the loggia. It belonged to a bull-dog. The bull-dog barked loudly at Simpson in English.

There was no "Cook's homme" to save Simpson this time. But he rose to the occasion nobly. The scent of the mimosa inspired him.

"_Merci_," he said, "_Merci. Oui, n'est ce pas_? Delightful. Er--these are--_ces sont mes amis._ Er--Dahlia, come along--er, _Monsieur et Madame Mannering_--er--Myra, _la soeur de Monsieur_--- er--where are you, old chap?--_le mari de la soeur de Monsieur._ Er--Thomas--er----" (he was carried away by memories of his schoolboy French), "_le frere du jardinier_--er----" He wheeled round and saw me; introduced me again; introduced Myra as my wife, Archie as her brother, and Dahlia as Archie's wife; and then with a sudden inspiration presented Thomas grandly as "_le beau-pere du petit fils de mes amis Monsieur et Madame Mannering._" Thomas seemed more assured of his place as Peter's godfather than as the brother of the gardener.

There were four ladies; we shook hands with all of them. It took us a long time, and I doubt if we got it all in even so, for twice I found myself shaking hands with Simpson. But these may have been additional ones thrown in. It was over at last, and we followed the staff indoors.

And then we had another surprise. It was broken to us by Dahlia, who, at Simpson's urgent request, took up the position of lady of the house, and forthwith received the flowing confidence of the housekeeper.

"Two of us have to sleep outside," she said.

"Where?" we all asked blankly.

We went on to the loggia again, and she pointed to a little house almost hidden by olive-trees in a corner of the garden below us.

"Oh, well, that's all right," said Archie. "It's on the estate. Thomas, you and Simpson won't mind that a bit, will you?"

"We can't turn Samuel out of his own house," said Myra indignantly.

"We aren't turning him; he wants to go. But, of course, if you and your young man would like to live there instead----"

Myra looked at me eagerly.

"It would be rather fun," she said. "We'd have another little honeymoon all to ourselves."

"It wouldn't really be a honeymoon," I objected. "We should always be knocking up against trippers in the garden, Archies and Samuels and Thomases and what not. They'd be all over the place."

Dahlia explained the domestic arrangements. The honeymooners had their little breakfast in their own little house, and then, joined the others for the day at about ten.

"Or eleven," said Thomas.

"It would be rather lovely," said Myra thoughtfully.

"Yes," I agreed; "but have you considered that---- Come over this way a moment, where Thomas and Simpson can't hear, while I tell you some of the disadvantages."

I led her into a quiet corner and suggested a few things to her which I hoped would not occur to the other two.

_Item_: That if it was raining hard at night it would be beastly. _Item_: That if you suddenly found you'd left your pipe behind it would, be rotten. _Item:_ That if, as was probable, there wasn't a proper bathroom in the little house, it would be sickening. _Item_: That if she had to walk on muddy paths in her evening shoes, it would be----

At this point Myra suddenly caught the thread of the argument. We went back to the others.

"We think," said Myra, "it would be perfectly heavenly in the little house; but----" She hesitated.

"But at the same time," I said, "we think it's up to Simpson and Thomas to be English gentlemen. Samuel, it's your honour."

There was a moment's silence.

"Come along," said Thomas to Simpson, "let's go and look at it."

* * * * *

After lunch, clean and well-fed and happy, we lay in deck-chairs on the loggia and looked lazily down at the Mediterranean.

"Thank you, Samuel, for bringing us," said Dahlia gently. "Your friends must be very fond of you to have lent you this lovely place."

"Not fonder than we are," said Myra, smiling at him. A. A. M.

* * * * *

(_A new schedule has, we understand, been issued to the Force, entitled "Hints for Police employed on Traffic Duty."_)

"THE REGULATION OF TRAFFIC, SO AS TO PREVENT OBSTRUCTION OR ACCIDENT, REQUIRES TACT."

* * * * *

_The Daily Sketch_, in its search for a White Hope, says:--

"Who will be the next world's champion?"

The writer must wait till he gets to the next world; we hope he is in no hurry.

* * * * *

"Ex (Exmouth).--There is an easy way to tell if a diamond is genuine. Make a small dot on a piece of paper with a lead pencil and look at it through the diamond. If it shows but a single dot the diamond is genuine."--_Tit-Bits._

We cordially invite the writer to come and look at dots through our Bouverie Street windows. We will then sell him the lot for a million pounds.

* * * * *

"Oxford rowed a bridge trial from Barnes to Hammersmith yesterday morning on a fast ebb. It was good, but not good enough considering the conditions, for everything was in their favour, the amount of land water in the river making the tide a fast one and the wind being at their backs."--_Daily Mail._

Our contemporary must make up its mind which way the crew sits before the day of the race.

* * * * *

"This was Inman's last opportunity, as Reece, in his next hand, ran to his points with a great break of 202. He failed at an easy red winner, and after Inman had missed a simple shot Reece ran out."

_Times._

_REECE (after reaching his points with a great break of 202)_: Have another shot, INMAN, old man. Hard luck! Now I really _must_ go. [_Exit at a run._

* * * * *

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--While idly looking over _Chambers' Dictionary_ I came across the Christian name "Herbert," and noticed that it meant "The Glory of the Army." This aroused my curiosity, and I thought I should pursue the matter further by looking up the meaning of his other name. You may judge my surprise when I found that "Henry" meant "Home Ruler," and was given in these exact words. After this Mr. ASQUITH'S dogged determination to carry Home Rule is readily understood. He is a child of destiny.

I am, etc., KISMET.

* * * * *

* * * * *

DANCERS DAY BY DAY.

_March 18._--A telegram from Tipperusalem, Oklahoma, states that Madame Titipoff, as the result of partaking of tinned oysters at supper, is suffering from acute ptomaine poisoning, and will, at the most favourable estimate, be unable to dance for another six months.

_March 19._--Authoritative cables from Sydney convey the distressing intelligence that M. Gordkin is suffering from a complete nervous breakdown. His temperature has never been below 117 for the last week, and his pulse varies from 240 to 260. The doctors take a serious view of his case, and all his engagements have been cancelled.

_March 20._--At Dundee last night, Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff, while dancing at the Corybantic Music Hall, slipped on a patch of marmalade which had been inadvertently allowed to remain on the stage, and fractured both her kneecaps. It is feared that the famous _ballerina_ will not be able to fulfil her engagements in Aberdeen next month.

_March 21._--Latest advices from Tipperusalem give a reassuring account of Madame Titipoff's progress. On Thursday she was allowed to sit up for half an hour, and she ate a beefsteak with evident zest. On learning that the canned oyster vendor had been tarred and feathered, Madame Titipoff at once announced her intention of dancing on the following night.

_March 22._--A despatch just received from M. Gordkin's agent at Sydney announces that the famous artist's temperature is now normal and his pulse steady at 60. The cause of his recent trivial indisposition was a hostile criticism in a local paper, but with the dismissal of the critic the incident is now regarded as closed, and M. Gordkin will resume his saltatorial activities in a day or two.

_March 23._--The news of Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff's accident happily turns out to have been exaggerated. Her kneecaps were not fractured, but two hairpins became detached from her chevelure while she was performing a protracted pirouette. The famous _danseuse_ is rehearsing a new galvanic dance, and marmalade shares are again firm.

* * * * *

"It is learned officially that Their Excellencies are delighted with the climate, which appears to agree with Lady Chalmers, as well as with the scenery."

_The Ceylon Morning Leader._

Of course it has known the scenery longer.

* * * * *

STANZAS WRITTEN IN DEJECTION BEFORE MATRIMONY.

(_A complaint has been voiced in the Press that uncommon wedding presents are getting much too common._)

We fixed our hymeneal day, Bespoke our nuptial cates And summoned to the solemn fray The necessary glum array Of kin and intimates.

And the more part in their degree Gave gladly gifts of pride, Tall silver ships, complete with sea, And birds of aureate filigree, Pearl-winged and opal-eyed.

Sheffield they gave, a grievous load, And Chelsea, flower'd and spruce, And antique thingummies in spode; The only thing that none bestowed Was anything of use.

Fled is the hope we built too soon Of some sub-tropic trek; Farewell, O azure honeymoon, The dull but necessary spoon Claims the paternal cheque.

* * * * *

Our Latest Cinema Poster.

"WHEN THE EARTH TREMBLED For six days at great expense."

The longest earthquake on record.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Monday, March 16._--The WINSOME WINSTON, sauntering in from behind SPEAKER'S Chair when Questions had advanced some way, startled by strident cheer from Ministerialists and Irish Nationalists. Opposition angrily replied. FIRST LORD, faintly blushing, found anchorage on Treasury Bench. Unpremeditated outburst of enthusiasm meant as welcome back from Bradford, where he reviewed political situation with force and frankness that recalled his father's platform speeches delivered in his prime. Demonstration repeated when later he rose to answer question concerning his department. Fresh storm of cheering from Ministerialists responded to by defiant shouts from Opposition.

WINSTON evidently the man of the moment.

PRIME MINISTER, happily refreshed by week-end holiday, finds himself faced by crowd wanting to know all sorts of things that might happen concurrently with, or subsequent to, proposed temporary exclusion of parts of Ulster from operation of Home Rule Bill. There were twenty-six Questions. Assuming minimum number of Supplementaries, there would have been at least one hundred.

To amazement and vexation of earnest seekers after truth, the twenty-six querists discovered that they were being bowled over faster than commonplace nine-pins. As NORMAN CRAIG breathlessly complained, the PREMIER, having answered a question, did not, as is his custom of an afternoon, resume his seat, and thus provide opportunity for supplementary questioner.

This was his method: Taking in hand a sheet of manuscript he recited, "Number 45. This is a hypothetical question. Indeed, it involves no fewer than three hypotheses. Numbers 57, 64 and 72 are in the same category."

Before you knew where you were, bang went four questions. Member after Member rose to protest. The PREMIER babbled on like the brook.

"The answer to number 46 and to the first part of 70 is in the negative. The answer to number 48 is in the affirmative. Number 49 in the negative. I proceed to number 52."

Members held their breath. What could he say about 52? Evidently he meant to treat it in different fashion.

"Number 52," he continued in the same level voice, as if he were reading catalogue at picture sale, "refers to a small matter which can easily be provided for."

Here was batch of another five questions disposed of in barely more than as many seconds. And to think of all the industry and ingenuity bestowed upon the preparation of this succession of pitfalls designed for the engulfing of a ruthless Minister and the dislocation of an iniquitous Bill!

Situation capped by PREMIER'S refusal to be drawn into minute description of adjustments, financial and administrative, consequent on adoption of his proposed amendment of Home Rule Bill. If general principle were accepted, the rest would follow. If not, why waste time and divert discussion from main issue to subsidiary and incidental details? After beating in vain against the indomitable rock standing at the Table, BONNER LAW, on behalf of enraged Opposition, gave notice of vote of censure. What day will be given for discussion? he asked.

"The earliest possible date," replied the imperturbable PREMIER.

Here episode ended. Its eruption made it clear that hope of settlement on grounds prepared a week ago to-day has vanished.

_Business done._--Notice from Front Opposition Bench of vote of censure on Ministers.

_Tuesday._--POLE-CAREW had rather a bad time of it. Attacked in sharp succession by land and sea. Began at Question time. He merely asked whether two divisions and the cavalry brigade in Ireland, which took part in manoeuvres last year, weren't rather a scrubby lot of immature boys unfit for public service. To quote exact phrase--"whether the physical appearance of the men was unsatisfactory; and whether the effect of the trooping season was to increase the number of immature boys unfit for active service?"

SEELY wrathfully replied in the negative.

"I must," he added, "profess my astonishment that the hon. and gallant gentleman should seek by means of suggestions such as are contained in this question to discourage and belittle the British soldier, to whom he owes so much."

A loud cheer sent home this rebuke.

Worse still when POLLY put out to sea and came athwart the FIRST LORD. All he sought was information as to whether the FIRST SEA LORD, having publicly alluded to the danger of relying exclusively on the fleet to protect the country from invasion, "subsequently went back on his word."

"A most insulting and unfair remark," said WINSTON. "It will," he continued, "do nothing but harm if the Navy think the Chiefs whom they honour and respect are to be subjected to offensive personal attacks of this character directed against them by ex-military men who have gone into politics."

"Only let me have five minutes with him, Mr. DEPUTY SPEAKER," said the ex-military man nervously turning up his coat cuffs.

[On several points connected with the Navy Estimates Mr. CHURCHILL claimed that the responsibility rested with his predecessor at the Admiralty.]]

Getting dangerously close to eleven o'clock, at which hour debate, if continued, must automatically close. WINSTON punctilious in leaving the five minutes demanded. POLE-CAREW'S retort perhaps scarcely up to occasion.

"I can only say," he remarked, "that the SECRETARY FOR WAR and the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY are worthy to sit on the same bench as the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."

_Business done._--FIRST LORD explained his Naval policy.

_Thursday._--SWIFT MACNEILL introduces new Parliamentary formula. Discussing on Civil Service Vote state of things in Rhodesia as dominated by the Chartered Company he was interrupted by remark from ORMSBY-GORE.

Throwing back his head with lofty scorn, and making a few windmill passages with his arms, Member for Donegal said, "I am not going to be interrupted by any gentleman of the House of Cecil."

Had this determination been announced by ordinary Member it would not have possessed importance likely to affect future course of debate. But SWIFT MACNEILL is justly recognised as one of the highest authorities on the science and practice of Parliamentary procedure. If he is able to support his contention, that a Member may of his free will, in exercise of his mature judgment, divide the House into groups of families (as if they were counties of Ulster) and say, "I will not be interrupted by this one or that," whilst it would have useful effect in curtailing proceedings would obviously require nice discrimination.

There are in the present House several family names represented by various Members, not all sitting on same side of House. To take a single example, there are the WILSONS. Like the family of the child with whom WORDSWORTH conversed, they are seven. If SWIFT MACNEILL'S precedent be established, a Member rising to continue debate might, by way of preface, remark, "I am not going to be interrupted by any gentleman of the House of Wilson."

In this particular case A. S. WILSON, whose contributions to debate are exclusively interjectionary, would be cut off from the exercise of a talent that frequently enlivens a sitting.

SWIFT MACNEILL'S own case is not free from difficulty. The SPEAKER is "a gentleman of the House of Cecil." Is he henceforward to be debarred from interrupting the Member for Donegal by calls to order?

_Business done._--BONNER LAW, master of Parliamentary tactics, obliged Government by moving vote of censure. Challenge hilariously accepted. Great muster of Ministerialists. On division what was meant as vote of censure was practically turned into vote of confidence, carried amid enthusiastic cheering by majority of 93 in House of 597 Members.

* * * * *

Golfing Enquiry.

"Can any reader say whether a coloured attached ribbon (6ft. of 1/2in. red) is allowable by the game, merely as an aid in locating the flying ball."--_English Mechanic._

_Answer._ Yes. So is a gramophone (2ft. by 3ft.), and it is more certain.

* * * * *

"A red or black sash round the waist, and a navy blue straw hat with ribbon to match, would be a most attractive little frock for a warm spring day."--_Manchester Guardian._

But it must be a _warm_ spring day.

* * * * *

A TRIUMPH OF THINNESS.

HERBERT is one of those troublesome men who are always asking why I don't what he calls "buckle to" and make some money. But his latest suggestion was his maddest, and I think that I got out of it rather neatly. For Herbert is a determined fellow from whom you can't escape until you have promised quite a lot and sometimes even had actually to do something.

"Do you want two hundred pounds?" he bounced in upon me and said.

"Who doesn't?" I replied.