Chapter 2

"Please discontinue my advertisement of a half-pair of bellows and a stuffed canary, as the first insertion has had such remarkable results. On looking out of my bedroom window this morning I observed a queue of some hundreds of people extending from my doorstep down to the trams in the main road. They included ladies on campstools, messenger boys, a sad-looking young man in an ulster who was reading SWINBURNE'S poems, and others. Only with difficulty could the milkman fight his way through to place the can on the doorstep, and the contents were quickly required to restore a lady who had turned faint for want of a camp-stool. While I was shaving, a motor mail-van dashed up and left seven sacks of postal replies to the advertisement. One by one, eighty-three people were admitted to view the goods, and a satisfactory bargain was made with the last of these. I then telephoned for the police to come and remove the disappointed thousands, who were disposed to be riotous. My garden gate is off its hinges, the garden itself has the lawn inextricably mixed with the flower-beds, my marble step is cracked in three places, and my stair-carpet is caked with mud. I do not know any other paper in this country in which a two-shilling advertisement could produce such encouraging results."

* * * * *

ORANGES AND LEMONS.

I.--THE INVITATION.

"DEAR MYRA," wrote Simpson at the beginning of the year,--"I have an important suggestion to make to you both, and I am coming round to-morrow night after dinner about nine o'clock. As time is so short I have asked Dahlia and Archie to meet me there, and if by any chance you have gone out we shall wait till you come back.

Yours ever, SAMUEL.

P.S.--I have asked Thomas too."

"Well?" said Myra eagerly, as I gave her back the letter.

In deep thought I buttered a piece of toast.

"We could stop Thomas," I said. "We might ring up the Admiralty and ask them to give him something to do this evening. I don't know about Archie. Is he----"

"Oh, what do you think it is? Aren't you excited?" She sighed and added, "Of course I know what Samuel _is_."

"Yes. Probably he wants us all to go to the Wonder Zoo together ... or he's discovered a new way of putting, or---- I say, I didn't know Archie and Dahlia were in town."

"They aren't. But I expect Samuel telegraphed to them to meet him under the clock at Charing Cross, disguised, when they would hear of something to their advantage. Oh, I wonder what it is. It _must_ be something real this time."

Since the day when Simpson woke me up at six o'clock in the morning to show me his stance-for-a-full-wooden-club shot I have distrusted his enthusiasms; but Myra loves him as a mother; and I--I couldn't do without him; and when a man like that invites a whole crowd of people to come to your flat just about the time when you are wondering what has happened to the sardines on toast, and why doesn't she bring them in--well, it isn't polite to put the chain on the door and explain through the letter-box that you have gone away for a week.

"We'd better have dinner a bit earlier to be on the safe side," I said, as Myra gave me a parting brush down in the hall. "If any further developments occur in the course of the day ring me up at the office. By the way, Simpson doesn't seem to have invited Peter. I wonder why not. He's nearly two, and he ought to be in it. Myra, I'm sure I'm tidy now."

"Pipe, tobacco, matches, keys, money?"

"Everything," I said. "Bless you. Good-bye."

"Good-bye," said Myra lingeringly. "What do you think he meant by 'as time is so short'?"

"I don't know. At least," I added, looking at my watch, "I do know. I shall be horribly late. Good-bye."

I fled down the stairs into the street, waved to Myra at the window ... and then came cautiously up again for my pipe. Life is very difficult on the mornings when you are in a hurry.

At dinner that night Myra could hardly eat for excitement.

"You'll be sorry afterwards," I warned her, "when it turns out to be nothing more than that he has had his hair cut."

"But even if it is I don't see why I shouldn't be excited at seeing my only brother again--not to mention sister-in-law."

"You only want to see them so that you can talk about Peter."

"Oh, Fatty, darling"--(I am really quite thin)--"oh, Fatty," cried Myra--("lean and slender" would perhaps describe it better)--cried Myra, clasping her hands together--(in fact the very last person you could call stout)--"I haven't seen the darling for ages! But I shall see Samuel," she added hopefully, "and he's almost as young." ("Svelte"--that's the word for me.)

"Then let's move," I said. "They'll be here directly."

Archie and Dahlia came first. We besieged them with questions as soon as they appeared.

"Haven't an idea," said Archie. "I wanted to bring a revolver in case it was anything really desperate, but Dahlia wouldn't let me."

"It would have been useful too," I said, "if it turned out to be something merely futile."

"You're not going to hurt my Samuel, however futile it is," said Myra. "Dahlia, how's Peter, and will you have some coffee?"

"Peter's lovely. You've had coffee, haven't you, Archie?"

"Better have some more," I suggested, "in case Simpson is merely soporific. We anticipate a slumbering audience, and Samuel explaining a new kind of googlie he's invented."

Entered Thomas lazily.

"Hallo," he said in his slow voice, "What's it all about?"

"It's a raid on the Begum's palace," explained Archie rapidly. "Dahlia decoys the Chief Mucilage; you, Thomas, drive the submarine; Myra has charge of the clockwork mouse, and we others hang about and sing. To say more at this stage would be to bring about a European conflict."

"Coffee, Thomas?" said Myra.

"I bet he's having us on," said Thomas gloomily, as he stirred his coffee.

There was a hurricane in the hall. Chairs were swept over; coats and hats fell to the ground; a high voice offered continuous apologies--and Simpson came in.

"Hallo, Myra!" he said eagerly. "Hallo, old chap! Hallo, Dahlia! Hallo, Archie! Hallo, Thomas, old boy!" He fixed his spectacles firmly on his nose and beamed round the room.

"You haven't said 'Hallo!' to the cook," Archie pointed out.

"We're all here--thanking you very much for inviting us," I said. "Have a cigar--if you've brought any with you."

Fortunately he had brought several with him.

"Now then, I'll give any of you three guesses what it's all about."

"No, you don't. We're all waiting, and you can begin your apology right away."

Simpson took a deep breath and began.

"I've been lent a villa," he said.

There was a moment's silence ... and then Archie got up.

"Good-bye," he said to Myra, holding out his hand. "Thanks for a very jolly evening. Come along, Dahlia."

"But I say, old chap," protested Simpson.

"I'm sorry, Simpson, but the fact that you're moving from the Temple to Cricklewood, or wherever it is, and that somebody else is paying the thirty pounds a year, is jolly interesting, but it wasn't good enough to drag us up from the country to tell us about it. You could have written. However, thank you for the cigar."

"My dear fellow, it isn't Cricklewood. It's the Riviera!"

Archie sat down again.

"Samuel!" cried Myra. "How she must love you!"

"I should never lend Simpson a villa of mine," I said. "He'd only lose it."

"They're some very old friends who live there, and they're going away for a month, and the servants are staying on, and they suggested that if I was going abroad again this year----"

"How did the servants know you'd been abroad last year?" asked Archie.

"Don't interrupt, dear," said Dahlia. "I see what he means. How very jolly for you, Samuel."

"For all of us, Dahlia!" "You aren't suggesting we shall all crowd in?" growled Thomas.

"Of course, my dear old chap! I told them, and they're delighted. We can share housekeeping expenses, and it will be as cheap as anything."

"But to go into a stranger's house," said Dahlia anxiously.

"It's _my_ house, Dahlia, for the time. I invite you!" He threw out his hands in a large gesture of welcome and knocked his coffee-cup on to the carpet; begged Myra's pardon several times; and then sat down again and wiped his spectacles vigorously.

Archie looked doubtfully at Thomas.

"Duty, Thomas, duty," he said, thumping his chest. "You can't desert the Navy at this moment of crisis."

"Might," said Thomas, puffing at his pipe.

Archie looked at me. I looked hopefully at Myra.

"Oh-h-h!" said Myra, entranced.

Archie looked at Dahlia. Dahlia frowned.

"It isn't till February," said Simpson eagerly.

"It's very kind of you, Samuel," said Dahlia, "but I don't think----"

Archie nodded to Simpson.

"You leave this to me," he said confidentially. "We're going."

A. A. M.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE CHAMELEONS.

(_From "The Gladiator," Nov. 1914._)

ASSOCIATION.

WHITEBROOK ROVERS _V._ BROMVILLE.

The meeting of these teams on Saturday last produced a struggle of titanic dimensions worthy of the best traditions of the famous combinations engaged. On the one hand we saw the machine-like precision, the subtle finesse so characteristic of the Whitebrook men, while at the same time we revelled in the dash and speed, the consummate daring displayed by their doughty opponents. We have witnessed many games, but for keenness and enthusiasm this one must rank.... In a game where every man acquitted himself well it is difficult to particularise; but Brown, Jones, Green and McSleery for the Rovers, and Gray, Smith, Black and McSkinner for the Broms, may be mentioned as being shining lights in their respective positions.

(_From "The Gladiator," Nov. 1915._)

ASSOCIATION.

WHITEBROOK ROVERS _V._ BROMVILLE.

Before a huge crowd exceeding 60,000 these historic combinations met on Saturday, and provided a rich treat for those who had the privilege to be there. The officials of both clubs have been busy team-building, and the sides differed in many instances from those antagonizing on the same ground a year ago. That the changes have been judicious and beneficial Saturday's game abundantly proved. The men played with great earnestness, evincing much local patriotism, and in their contrasted styles--the polished artistry, the scientific precision of the Rovers, and the dash and forceful intrepidity of the Broms--were at their very best. We have seen many games, but this must rank.... While every man did himself justice, it may not be invidious to mention, for the Rovers, Gray, Smith, Black and McSkinner, and for the Broms, Brown, Jones, Green and McSleery, as being bright particular stars in their respective departments.

* * * * *

From a literary weekly:--

"It is a terribly accurate saying about the loud laugh and the vacant mind--Pope never got down surer to the bare bones of the truth."

Nor did GOLDSMITH when he pointed out the danger of "a little learning."

* * * * *

From two consecutive items of "News in a Nutshell" in the _North-Eastern Daily Gazette_:--

"Lieut. ----, of an infantry regiment at Lemburg, Austria, fell fast asleep on February 14, and all efforts to wake him have proved futile ever since.

A sleeper weighing 8 cwt. was found on the Great Western Railway near Banbury just before the arrival of a train from the north."

However, it was not the lieutenant.

* * * * *

* * * * *

FORGIVENESS.

(_A Dream after losing a Dog._)

Methought I saw the man that stole our Tim In a night vision; and "Behold!" he cried, "This was a task too easy for my whim, A job of little worth and little pride, An Irish terrier." Then his pal replied, "I know a place where you may pinch with ease One of these here carnation Pekinese.

"You see them nasty spikes on that there wall? Climb it, and you shall find a little yard; An unlatched casement leads you to a hall, Thence to the crib where, odorous with nard, Slumbers the petted plaything; 'twere not hard Out of his cushioned ease (and gorged belike With sweetmeats) to appropriate the tyke."

So, filled with high ambition and the hope Of gaining huge emolument, this man Hung to the toothed battlements a rope, Climbed and leapt down to execute his plan-- But even as he leapt a noise began As when the Arctic icebergs break and grind; This was because his pants were caught behind.

Awhile they tore, then stayed. And helpless there Betwixt the silvery moonlight and the ground He hung convulsive, grasping at the air, For two full hours it may be, whilst a hound Of the Great Danish breed, that made no sound Save a deep snarl, below him watching stood (This portion of my dream was very good).

And much he vowed because of his great pain That he was the most dashed of all dashed fools And never would he steal a dog again, No (strite!) he would not. He recalled the rules That teachers taught him in the Sunday Schools And thought on serious happenings and the grave; And with dawn's earliest flush his trousers gave.

* * * * *

And having waited for a time I went To see him in the hospital. And hours Of earnest converse with the man I spent, Told him of Nemesis and what dark powers Punish our mortal crimes, and brought him flowers, Dog-roses and dog-violets, and read The Eighth Commandment out beside his bed.

EVOE.

* * * * *

_The Daily Telegraph_ on the next Drury Lane melodrama:--

"We are able to say on the very best authority that the idea at the root of the story is of a quite unusual nature; indeed, if secrecy were not for the moment imposed, one might even go a step further and declare it to be of startling originality."

As it is, one doesn't; for if once the secret got about that the play was to be original there would be riots in Fleet Street.

* * * * *

"Song, 'March of the Men of Garlick' (Tune, Welsh melody)."

_Ripon Observer._

A pardonable mistake. The national emblem is of course the leek.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--In speech of flawless lucidity displaying perfect command of columnar figures upon which strength of British Navy is based, the WINSOME WINSTON moved Supplementary Estimates amounting to two and a-half millions. These raise total expenditure of year on the Navy to forty-eight millions. "A serious event," he admitted amid sympathetic cheers from below Gangway to his right. Necessity arises from increased expenditure on oil reserves; from demand for a quarter of a million for the new aircraft programme, an item unknown to OLD MORALITY or CHILDERS when successively at the Admiralty; from increment of wages and acceleration of ship-building.

He might have mentioned that of grand total close upon two millions is legacy left by former Ministry on account of liabilities incurred before 1905. Whilst present Government, austerely-minded, pay their way as they go, meeting increased expenditure out of revenue, PRINCE ARTHUR, with characteristically light heart, built ships and strengthened fortifications, raising the money by loan, which he gaily left to posterity to pay off. Posterity has this pleasant task in hand now, and will continue to be engaged upon it for next twenty years.

WINSTON judiciously refrained from pressing the point. Had enough on his hands with discontented supporters below Gangway, who resent ever-increasing burden of Naval expenditure. RAMSAY MACDONALD lodged protest on behalf of Labour Members; stopped short of moving reduction of vote. This done by DAVID MASON of Coventry.

"A hollow demonstration," was GILBERT PARKER'S terse description of the revolt. On a division Estimates were carried by a majority of 203. Only 34 voted for reduction.

Prolongation of debate plainly boring. By exception, one listener sat it out with unwearied attention. Nothing precisely cherubic in face or figure of Lord FISHER OF KILVERSTONE, better known on sea and land by the affectionate diminutive JACKY FISHER. Nevertheless, as he sat perched in Peers' Gallery immediately over the clock, a place ever associated with the genial presence of EDWARD PRINCE OF WALES, there flashed across the mind a familiar couplet sung by DIBDIN:--

"There's a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft To keep watch for the life of poor Jack."

Whilst jealous for maintenance of Naval power, no Admiral or Sea Lord did more to improve conditions of life on the lower deck than did JACKY FISHER. Retired from active service, his multiform commissions under hatches, to-night his body has gone aloft to a seat in Peers' Gallery. There he heard expounded biggest Navy vote submitted since days of the "Great Harry." Exceptionally swollen by provision for reserves of oil fuel, a new departure, for which he in his capacity as Chairman of a Royal Commission has, as WINSTON testified, been chiefly responsible.

_Business done._--Naval Estimates discussed.

_Tuesday._--Another scene testifying to electricity of atmosphere. As usual, explosion from unexpected quarter. House in committee on Naval Estimates. Lord ROBERT CECIL, ever alert in interests of working-man with a vote, moved reduction in order to call attention to housing accommodation provided for men employed at Rosyth. Chairman ruled debate out of order on Supplementary Estimates. Lord BOB nevertheless managed to sum up purport of intended speech by denouncing state of things as "a scandal and disgrace to the Government." At this stage Opposition Whips, counting heads, discovered that, if not at the moment in actual minority, Government would, if division were rushed, find themselves in parlous state. The word--it was "Mum"--went round Opposition benches.

Unfortunately for success of plot Ministerial Whips also alive to situation.

"After your ruling, Sir," said Lord BOB with ominous politeness, "I cannot develop my argument, but I propose to persist in my motion, and will divide the Committee."

Not if LEIF JONES knew it. For him, as for all good Ministerialists, subject suddenly developed interest, urgently demanded consideration. This he proposed to bestow upon it. A Bengal tiger about to lunch off a toothsome native, discovering the anticipated meal withdrawn from his reach, could not be more sublimely wrathful than were gentlemen on Opposition benches. And LEIF JONES, too! The mildest-mannered man that ever turned on a water-tap.

After a moment of petrified pause, natural to Bengal tiger on discovering reality of his discomfiture, there burst forth roar of "'Vide! 'Vide! 'Vide!" From appearance of LEIF JONES'S lips, he was continuing his remarks. Not a syllable rose above the storm. After it had raged for some moments CHAIRMAN pointed out that, whilst divigation in direction of Rosyth was out of order, it was competent to any Member to discuss the vote as a whole.

This too much for A. S. WILSON, who has been surprisingly reticent since Session opened.

"Is it right for the CHAIRMAN," he asked, "to protect the Government from what may be an inconvenient position?"

"A grossly disorderly observation," the CHAIRMAN retorted.

A. S. withdrew the remark, the more willingly since designed effect gained.

COUSIN HUGH, for some time moving uneasily in corner seat below Gangway, bounded to his feet. Member near him simultaneously rose. With sweep of left arm, after manner of RICHARD III. directing the cutting off of the head of BUCKINGHAM, he waved the appalled Member down. Was getting on nicely with what he had to say when, like GRAND CROSS on historical occasion, he "heard a smile."

It came from WINSTON.

"I notice," said COUSIN HUGH glaring on the Treasury bench, "that the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY, who is very ignorant on many matters, is amused at this observation."

WINSTON explained that what he had laughed at was "the lordly gesture with which the noble Lord swept away another honourable gentleman."

LEIF JONES, proposing to continue his remarks, presented himself again. Greeted with fresh yell of execration. Battled for some moments with the storm. Too much for him. Reached forth hand; seized imperceptible tankard of invisible stout; gratefully wetted his parched lips withal. Refreshed, he tried again; no articulate word dominated the din.

After further ten minutes of uproar, through which from time to time A. S. WILSON tried to get in more or less relevant remark and was instantly extinguished by the CHAIRMAN, who masterfully managed difficult situation, WINSTON interposed. A bird of the air had brought news from Whips' Room that all was well. Accordingly the FIRST LORD graciously conceded division clamoured for.

Its result profound surprise. So far from Government lacking support, the amendment was negatived by more than two to one. Majority rushed up to 140.

Evidently been a mistake somewhere.

_Business done._--Supplementary votes agreed to.

_Thursday._--Dramatic turn in position of Home Rule Bill. PREMIER hitherto steadfast in deferring Second Reading till close of financial year. As result of confabulation between two Front Benches arranged that Supplementary Estimates shall be hurried up so as to make opening for immediate debate on Second Reading.

Accordingly ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL to-day brought in Bill for First Reading. No need of persuasion of silver tongue to carry this stage. Proceeding purely formal. Fight opens on Monday, when PREMIER, moving Second Reading, will explain his "suggestions" of amendment.

_Business done._--Home Rule brought in, being third time of asking. Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill and Plural Voting Bill also read amid vociferous cheering by Ministerialists.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"His brilliant flashes of wit and humour evoked hearty applause, and sometimes even laughter."--_Teesdale Mercury._

Almost the last thing you would have expected.

* * * * *

"One of the strongest traits in Mrs. Barclay's character is a love of all creatures, great and small--thrushes, wagtails and robins come to her when she calls, and she keeps a little box of worms to feed them."--_Woman at Home._

Sometimes the worms must wish she wasn't quite so loving.

* * * * *

THE DOWNWARD TREND.