Chapter 3

_Tuesday._--Home Rule fills the bill in both Houses. The Lords, back from brief holiday, protest against delay in introducing Amending Bill. In vigorous speech LANSDOWNE insists on early day being named. CREWE, wringing his hands over unreasonable ways of some people, promises Tuesday next. Adds that, if upon consideration of proposed amendments noble lords should require longer interval before Second Reading of parent measure than is provided by original fixture for 30th June, there will be no objection to postponement.

* * * * *

Illustration: "I don't know whether the hon. Member regards me as a particularly frivolous person."

_Lord ROBERT CECIL._

* * * * *

In the Commons ROBERT CECIL, interposing in ordered business of Supply, moves adjournment with view of calling attention to "growing danger created in Ireland by existence of volunteer forces and failure of Government to deal with situation." It is plurality of situation that disturbs philosophical mind. As long as there was but one volunteer force, its locality confined to Ulster, its purpose to defeat Home Rule Bill, its commander-in-chief CARSON, it was well. Nay more, it was patriotic. But when Ulster's challenge, uttered by one hundred thousand armed men, is answered by the South and West of Ireland with creation of an army exceeding that number, whole aspect is altered. Now, as in the time when "Measure for Measure" was written--

That in the captain's but a choleric word Which in the soldier is flat blasphemy,

Opposition, to a man, stand up to support LORD BOB'S demand that matter shall be discussed as one of urgent public importance.

In course of animated speech LORD BOB delighted House by equalling, if not going one better than, the late Lord CROSS'S historic _jeu d'esprit_.

"I hear an hon. member smile," said GRAND CROSS on a memorable occasion.

"I wish," said LORD BOB to-night, sternly regarding hilarious Ministerialists, "those laughs could be photographed and shown throughout the country."

Suggestion will doubtless not be lost on enterprising purveyors of cinematograph shows.

There was another opportunity for the snap-shotter when, LORD BOB lamenting the "ingrained frivolity of the Radicals in this grave crisis," ARTHUR MARKHAM interposed with Supplementary Question.

"What about Satan rebuking sin?" he asked.

Turning upon Member for Mansfield more in sorrow than in anger, LORD BOB remarked: "I don't know whether the hon. Member regards me as a particularly frivolous person." General and generous cheering approved this implied disclaimer, and LORD BOB returned to consideration of "the characteristic vice of the Radical Government--fear of losing their places."

Tendency to introduce personal observations cropped up from time to time through debate, which occupied greater part of sitting. CARSON having genially alluded to main body of Ministerialists as "lunatics," NEIL PRIMROSE, turning upon the WISTFUL WINSTON, who hadn't been saying anything, denounced him as "a human palimpsest."

Perhaps most touching case was that of BYLES of Bradford. Having long remained silent under undeserved contumely, he suddenly rose at half-past ten and irrelevantly remarked, "I cannot understand how the myth has grown up in this House that I am a blood-thirsty ruffian. Why, Mr. SPEAKER, I would not kill a fly."

In view of proved inconvenience, not to say danger, of unrestrained plague of flies, this protestation was received with mixed feelings.

_Business done._--On division motion for adjournment of House negatived by majority of 65. After this, the House, nothing if not logical, forthwith adjourned.

* * * * *

Illustration: POURING COLD WATER ON THE TROUBLED OIL.

(LORD CHARLES BERESFORD and Mr. DILLON.)

* * * * *

_Thursday._--The Irish Members, long quiescent, suddenly resumed former habit of activity. House owes to AMERY the pleasing variation. He cited newspaper report of remarks recently made by Captain BELLINGHAM, aide-de-camp to the LORD-LIEUTENANT OF IRELAND. Inspecting and addressing body of National Volunteers, he exhorted them to ensure triumph of Home Rule.

Was this a proper thing to do? Certainly not. ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL, answering AMERY'S question founded on incident, stated that when Lord ABERDEEN heard of matter he immediately called for explanation, and Captain BELLINGHAM frankly acknowledged error of judgment.

Irish Members recognised that in measure the error of judgment was slight compared with AMERY'S in stirring up this dangerously attractive pool. As everyone knows, and as House was promptly reminded, Colonel the Marquis of LONDONDERRY and Colonel Lord KILMOREY, aides-de-camp to HIS MAJESTY, have on more than one occasion, when inspecting Ulster Volunteers, urged them to stand indomitable in resistance to establishment of Home Rule in their Northern Province. Irish Members want to know whether these noble and gallant gentlemen have been called upon to make explanation of their conduct similar to that peremptorily exacted from Captain BELLINGHAM.

PREMIER not to be drawn into delicate controversy. Pleaded lack of notice of questions put to him. Irish Members will be delighted to provide it. Shall hear more on the subject next week.

_Business done._--The INFANT SAMUEL, appearing in new calling as President of Local Government Board, carries vote for his Department by rattling majority of 127.

* * * * *

CORRESPONDENCE.

_To the Editor of "The Oblate Spheroid."_

SIR,--I congratulate you on your new departure. The time is ripe for Politics without Partisanship. I look to you for scathing denunciations of the arch humbugs who now wear the mantle of the once great Liberal Party.

Yours, etc.,

"PATRIOT."

SIR,--I hail with joy your abandonment of Party Shibboleths, and await your exposure of ASQUITH, LLOYD GEORGE and all such traitors.

Yours, etc.,

"IMPARTIAL."

SIR,--You will find it hard to live up to your professions, but the thinking Public will support you.

We need a judicial paper that will set truth above Party considerations, revealing, incidentally, the devilish character of the REDMOND-cum-Cabinet compact.

Yours, etc.,

"DULCE ET DECORUM."

* * * * *

"Pink Chestnut.--When ices are given at a dinner it is usual to have them, but not otherwise."

_From "Etiquette" in "The Lady_."

It is therefore incorrect, "Pink Chestnut," to produce a private Bombe Vanille from your handkerchief bag.

* * * * *

"The death of an infant from 'convulsions,' without further explanation, can never be wholly satisfactory."

_Australian Medical Journal._

It takes a lot to satisfy some people.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Short-sighted Old Lady (to gentleman taking his morning exercise in the park). "GO AWAY, GO AWAY; YOU SHAN'T PUT A FINGER ON _MY_ LUGGAGE!"

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)

All the world recognises Sir MARTIN CONWAY as a paramount peak-compeller and explorer of resource, while superior persons, like this learned clerk, know him as an effective _dilettante_ in the realms of art. In _The Sport of Collecting_ (FISHER UNWIN), with a general candour, but a specific, canny (and of course rather tiresome and disappointing) reticence as to prices, he gives us, in effect, a treatise on the craft of curio-hunting, gaily illustrated by anecdotes of the bagging of bronze cats in Egypt, Foppas and Giorgiones in Italian byways, Inca jewellery in Peru, and heaven knows what and where beside. The authentic method, apparently, is to mark down your quarry as you enter the dealer's stockade, to pay no visible attention to it but bargain furiously over some pretentious treasure which you don't in the least want; later, admitting with regret your inability to afford the price, to suggest that as a memento of your pleasant visit you might be disposed to carry off that odd trifle in the corner over there; then, bursting with hardly controlled excitement to see your priceless primitive wrapped in brown paper and thrown into your cab, to drive to your quarters, hug yourself ecstatically and boast to your friends and fellow-conspirators about it. Shooting the driven tiger from the howdah is quite evidently nothing to this royal sport of dealer-spoofing, especially when the dealer knows a thing or two, as Sir MARTIN bravely confesses he sometimes does. I wonder if this arch-collector, when he discovered his best piece, Allington Castle (of which he discourses with such pleasant and knowledgable enthusiasm), turned a contemptuous back on the battlements and made a casual offer for the moat. A most diverting book.

* * * * *

The name of MADAME YOI PAWLOWSKA is new to me; but if her previous books were anything like so good as _A Child Went Forth_ (DUCKWORTH) I am heartily sorry to have missed them. There have been many books written about childhood, and the end of them is not yet in sight; but I have known none that so successfully attains the simplicity that should belong to the subject. You probably identify the title as a quotation from WALT WHITMAN, about the child that went forth every day, "and the first object that he looked upon, that object he became." The child in the present instance was one _Anna_, who went forth in the Hungarian village where she was born, and saw and became a number of picturesque and amusing things, all of which her narrator has quite obviously herself recalled, and sat down in excellent fashion. I don't want you to run away with the idea that _Anna_ was a good or even a pleasant child. Anything but that. The things she did and said furnished a more than sufficient reason for her father to threaten again and again to send her to school in England. The book ends with the realisation of this, which had always been to _Anna_ as a kind of shadowy horror in the background of life. We are not told which particular English school was favoured with her patronage, nor how she got on there. I was too interested in her career not to be sorry for this omission; and that shall be my personal tribute to her attractions.

* * * * *

There are few persons who can write love stories with a surer and more tender touch than KATHARINE TYNAN. So I expect that many gentle souls will share my pleasure in the fact that she has just put together a volume of studies in this kind under the amiable title of _Lovers' Meetings_ (WERNER LAURIE). Personally my only complaint about them is that in a short story lovers' meetings mean the journey's end, and I wished to spend a longer time in the society of many of the agreeable characters of Mrs. HINKSON'S studies. Take for example the first--and my own favourite--of the series. There really isn't anything special in it--and yet there is everything. What happened was that _Challoner_, a confirmed bachelor, went to the Dublin quay to see off a friend on the boat to Holyhead. The friend didn't turn up; but a young governess, with whom _Challoner_ had only the slightest previous acquaintance, was going by the boat--so _Challoner_ went with her, and they were married, and lived happy ever after. You may think that this doesn't sound very probable, and perhaps it doesn't; but it is so charmingly told--_Challoner's_ growing delight in the initial mistake that confuses the pair as man and wife is so alluringly developed, and the whole little episode of twenty pages has such a way with it as to take your credulity a willing captive. This was my individual choice; but there are fifteen others of various styles; some mild detective studies, and a pathetic little ghost story that recalls to me one of KIPLING'S best. Altogether an attractive collection, very far above many such that have appeared lately.

* * * * *

Mr. WILKINSON SHERREN, in his new novel, _The Marriage Tie_ (GRANT RICHARDS), is very serious about the hypocrisies of the virtuous and the injustice of our moral conventions. Other writers before him have been serious about these things, and I do not know that Mr. SHERREN has anything very new to say. I must also confess to thinking that a sense of humour would have assisted him greatly in his task. Nevertheless his readers are certain to sympathise with his beautiful heroine in her dismay at her unfortunate illegitimacy, and she is a good girl with a great regard for the feelings of all her friends, even though she expresses this regard a little stiffly. Mr. SHERREN uses his background well, and many of his scenes would be effective if only his characters were debarred from dialogue. It would be, I am sure, beyond _Johanna's_ powers, were she limited to the deaf and dumb alphabet, to convey such a speech as this: "I wish you to consent to your father's suggestions, dear. By doing so you do not injure me, and you cheer his declining days. I am sure your dear mother wishes it." Her methods would become something much brusquer and more direct. I doubt if Mr. SHERREN is at his best in a novel. An essay on the confused issues of illegitimacy and the punishment of the children for the sins of their fathers would show him, I am convinced, at his ease; but dialogue and a beautiful heroine are an embarrassment to him.

* * * * *

In a volume of tales and sketches entitled _The Mercy of the Lord_ (HEINEMANN) Mrs. FLORA ANNIE STEEL revives pleasant memories of her Indian romances once beloved by me. In these new stories everybody dies--if Europeans, with the latest slang upon their lips; if natives, with a lusty invocation to Allah. Mrs. STEEL does not believe in letting the reader know what she is about, and there is generally something up her sleeve. Each story has its own little puzzle, and, if the puzzles are not always solved by the end of the tale, one can make all kinds of pleasant conjectures as to what really did happen, and Mrs. STEEL'S mysterious hints and shrugs and fingers on the lip do beyond question assist her atmosphere. I like best of the stories "Salt of the Earth," a most moving tale, beautifully told. Always Mrs. STEEL is interesting, and I hope these sketches are only little preludes to another of her thrilling romances.

* * * * *

If Mr. BERTRAM SMITH'S _Caravan Days_ (NISBET) has not made me eager to take to the road at once, the reason is that he seems to delight in things that I most cordially detest. For instance, he likes cooking and he is "very fond of rain." With such tastes he has more facilities for enjoying himself than are offered to most of us, and I find myself wondering whether life in a caravan, always supposing that he was not there to do the cooking and admire the rain, would be quite as much fun as he would have us believe. I am confident that when next he goes upon his travels the majority of his friends will be anxious to share the attractions of his _Sieglinda_, that caravan of caravans, but I doubt if they will be ordering _Sieglindas_ for themselves. Meanwhile, so human has Mr. BERTRAM SMITH made his _Sieglinda_ that I can well imagine her sulking in her retirement because she wants to see Argyll, the only county in Scotland she has not yet sampled.

* * * * *

If you are a musical genius yourself and want to do a young composer a good turn, I implore you not to get his opera produced under the pretence that it is yours and wait until it has been received enthusiastically before you announce whose work it is. For that is what _Jess Levellier_ did, and "Miss LOUISE MACK" tells us what a deal of trouble was brought about by this impulsive action. There are several love stories in _The Music Makers_ (MILLS AND BOON). There is the affair of _Jess_ and there is the affair of _Jess's_ father; and in regard to the second of these I would say that I am a little tired of adventurous women who are first attracted by dollars and then find that they are head over ears in love with the man himself. But in case you are not adequately intrigued by either of these romances, I can also tell you that _Sir William_ (big and burly) and _Trixie Harrison_, though married, gave considerable cause for anxiety before with "outstretched hands she went tottering towards him." Even the most jaded novel-readers will suffer thrills and surprises from _The Music Makers_, and occasionally, perhaps, they will wonder whether coincidence's long arm has not been stretched to the point of dislocation. However that may be, the book is breezy and its author is lavish of her material. Parsimonious writers would have made half-a-dozen novels out of the stuff of Mrs. CREED'S book.

* * * * *

Illustration: THE ART OF WINDOW-DRESSING.

_Shop-Manager (sternly, to assistant)._ "SURELY, MR. JENKINS, YOU OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO PUT THE KITCHEN COBBLES IN THE CENTRE VASE. REMEMBER IN FUTURE THAT IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS STRIKE THE KEY-NOTE WITH THE _SELECTED NUTS_."

* * * * *

Illustration: EPILOGUE.

* * * * *

MORE MUNITIONS OF PEACE.

(_An Episode in the Camp of the Nationalist Volunteers._)

Several further months had elapsed in the history of the scheme for the "better government of Ireland." The Home Rule Bill had been read for the third time in the Inferior Chamber, but, apart from this conciliatory action, no effective attempt had been made to avert the horrors of Civil War.

Meanwhile two coups had been planned, of which the one failed and the other succeeded. And during the arrangements for the first coup (for it got no further than the preparatory stage--and even this was denied) it was revealed that British officers were not very greatly inclined to shoot down their fellow-countrymen for the sake of the _beaux jeux_ of a political party. And for this the politicians of that party, selecting the worst name they could think of, described these officers as politicians. And the cry of "The Army _v._ the People," started by a Labour Member (who wore a large hat), and supported by the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY (who wore a small one), was raised very high and then dropped, as likely to prove inexpedient.

But the other coup (which succeeded) was a very clever feat of gun-running on the part of the Ulster Volunteers. And, the law having been broken, the Government, as its guardian, determined to take no punitive measures--an attitude that was repellent both to Sir WILLIAM BYLES and to Mr. NEIL PRIMROSE.

And now there grew up in each political party a body of rebellion. For on the Liberal side there were those, notorious at other seasons for their advocacy of peace at whatever charges, who gave out that there were worse things than Civil War, and one of the worse things was the stultification of their own projects, or, as they put it, of the Will of the People; though they showed no strong anxiety to discover, by the usual tests, what the Will of the People might actually be in the matter.

And on the Unionist side there were those who said that they would do nothing to provoke Civil War, but that, since it took two sides to conduct a Civil or any other kind of War, and the British Army was apparently not available, there was no fear of Civil War, and they (the Unionist Party) could well afford to stiffen themselves about the lips.

And all this tended to embarrass the labours (if any) of those leaders who were still supposed to be holding communion together for the furtherance of a compromise.

Now, among the Ulster Volunteers, though perfect sobriety was exhorted and maintained, it was excusably felt that it would be a pity if so fine a force should have been raised and armed at such expense and sacrifice and then have no chance of showing what it could do. And this feeling evoked sympathy in the breasts of the Irish of the South and West; and they said to them of Ulster, "Rather than see your army wasted we will ourselves raise one for you to shoot at." And this they did, in part for sheer joy of the chance of a fight, and in part for admiration of the sportsmanship of a people that had defied a British Government. And though some joined the new Volunteers for love of Home Rule, and with the object of offering themselves as substitutes for the British Army, yet the promoters were content to allege, vaguely and inoffensively, that their object was just the protection of Irish liberty, whatever that might be taken to mean. And, being Irish, no exact logic was asked of them.

But at first Mr. REDMOND, as a supporter of the law, and scandalised by its breach in Ulster, declined to approve this illegal development, which for the rest he regarded as negligible. But later, when it had grown too large to be ignored, he generously consented to overlook its illegality and to place it under official patronage. But his offer was received in a spirit of very regrettable independence. On reflection, however, this attitude was exchanged for one of sullen submission.

Now a private army is a dangerous thing when you know what it is for; but it is a very dangerous thing when you don't. And there were cynics--not too frivolous--who held that the best course for the Government would be to withdraw from Ireland for the time being and leave Ulster and the Rest to come to an agreement of their own, either with or without a bloody prelude. And there were other critics--not much more frivolous--who replied that, if we walked out of Ireland and left Ulster and the Rest to come to terms, they might get to understand one another to such good purpose that we should never have the opportunity of walking in again.

And the Government's only consolation lay in the thought that the Rest of Ireland lacked the munitions of war owing to the vigilant precautions taken to prevent the importation of arms into Ulster.

* * * * *

A thrill of emotion rippled over the tented plain. Into the camp of the Nationalist Volunteers had dashed a motor-car which was taken to be the forerunner of a great consignment of smuggled arms, for it contained a bulky wooden case with the label "Munitions of Peace" pasted upon its façade--a superscription that might well have been designed to mislead the wariest of coastguards and patrols. Its sole convoy was an old gentleman--evidently selected for the part, for by his air of simple benevolence you would have judged him the last man in the world to be suspected of nefarious practices.

A cry of bitter disappointment broke out on the discovery that the "munitions" consisted of nothing but books. But the uproar died down as the old gentleman was seen to assume the attitude of an orator. His words were at first received in courteous silence; then with sympathetic approval; finally with deafening applause.

"Nationalist Volunteers!" he said: "I come from performing a similar mission of camaraderie among the hosts of Ulster. I am no partisan. I am like a certain philanthropist of whom I have heard who purveyed sherbet to the rival camps of the Sultan of MOROCCO and the Pretender. I trust that my fate may not be his, for he was the sole person killed in one of the noisiest battles ever fought in the environs of Fez.

"This tome, identical with the rest of my munitions of peace, embodies (for I made the contents myself, and so ought to know) the highest wisdom mingled with the purest material for mirth. Its contemporaneous perusal in both camps should encourage a common ideal of humour and so promote mutual respect and affection.