Chapter 2

_Diana._ You ought to have guessed. You've insulted me and I'm going home. And I shan't run away with you now. (_Picks up her cloak and goes to the door._) Er--if I _should_ change my mind in the morning I'll--er--telephone.

_Next morning._

_Furness_ (_at the telephone_). Yes--yes--no, Lorenzo--both ways. What? Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought it was--is it you, Diana?... You _will_ come? Good.

_Enter_ John Staffurth.

_Staffurth._ Good morning. (_Looking at his watch._) I want a little talk with you if you aren't busy,

_Furness._ Certainly. (_Handing box._) Won't you begin a cigarette?

_Staffurth_ (_taking out case_). Thanks, I'll begin one of my own. (_Does so._) Now then. My sister-in-law--or cousin or--anyhow, my friend Miss--or Mrs.--Cullen, Barbara Cullen, who--er--is still with us, told me some days ago that you were about to elope with my wife. Is that so?

_Furness._ Yes.

_Staffurth._ Yes. I ought to have spoken to you about it before, but I have been very busy lately at the House. The Government is bringing in its Bill for the Abolition of Telephones on the Stage, and it is necessary for the full strength of the Opposition to be there. As I said in my speech, any such Bill would, to take a case, ruin Mr. TEMPLE THURSTON'S new play at the Haymarket, and recent by-elections have shown that the country was---- However, I need not bother you with that. The point is that I have at last managed to get away to see you, and I want to know what it is you propose to do.

_Furness._ I'm going to send in my papers and take your wife away with me.

_Staffurth._ Ah! Then perhaps before you ruin your career I'd better tell you what the doctors say about her, She is not----

_Furness_ (_impatiently_). My dear chap, I know. She told me last night. But it's all right, I don't much care for them myself.

_Staffurth._----not likely to live for more than eighteen months.

_Furness._ My God!

_Staffurth._ That's what we all said several times when we heard it. Well?

_Furness._ Well, I mean, this wants thinking about. I had no---- My career--only eighteen months----

_Staffurth_ (_breaking out at last_). You beastly egotist! You think of nothing but your rotten career. You cur, you hound, you dog! You----

_Furness_ (_annoyed_). Now I warn you, Staffurth, I may only be about half your size, but I shall have to thrash you severely if you talk like that.

_Staffurth._ You dog.

_Furness_ (_with dignity_). For the sake of your wife, go before I climb up you and strike you. [_Exit_ Staffurth.

CURTAIN.

* * * * * Illustration: A THREATENED STRIKE.

_John Staffurth_ .. Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH. _CAPTAIN FURNESS_ .. MR. OWEN NARES.

* * * * *

III.

_The Drawing-room again._

_Barbara_ (_joyfully_). Diana, I've got some exciting news for you. Guess!

_Diana._ You're going away?

_Barbara._ No!

_Diana._ Oh, well, after all you've only stayed with us six months. Er--you've got a new dress?

_Barbara._ No.

_Diana._ No; that was a silly one. Er--John's got a half-holiday?

_Barbara._ No. Well, I must tell you! Diana, you're not going to die after all! The doctors made a mistake!

[_Exit._

_Diana._ Not going to die? But then I don't want to run away with Philip. (_Rushes to desk and seizes the telephone._) I must let him know. (_With a shriek_) Help! the telephone's broken! Then I have nothing to live for. (_She takes out poison from poison drawer._) I shall count three before I drink. One--two---- Why doesn't John come? One--two---- If he isn't quick he'll be too late. One----

_Enter_ John _quickly._

_John_ (_looking at his watch._) My darling, I have just time to forgive you. Let us be happy together again.

_Diana._ But the telephone's broken!

_John_ (_embracing her tenderly_). My darling, I've sent for a man to mend it.

_Diana_ (_much moved_). My husband!

A. A. M.

* * * * *

"Miss Gluck only arrived in London from New York after a tour in America earlier in the morning, and proceeded to Richmond to rest."--_Times._

Which she must have wanted after her busy morning.

* * * * *

Illustration: _First Visitor from the country_ (_to second ditto_). "AY, FRED, LONDON'S THE PLACE TO SEE THE SWELLS ENJOYING THEMSELVES THIS TIME O' YEAR. NOTHING BUT LIFE AND GAIETY ON ALL SIDES."

* * * * *

THE BIG TROUT.

Pull up the rypecks! Push her home! It's roses all the way! Let garlands lie on Thames's foam-- A trout has died to-day! Room for the victor--ho, there, room!-- Who calls the gods to scan No halfling of the lilied gloom, But that leviathan.

Anew (with jostling words unstayed) We fight it, inch by inch, From that first moment when he made The line scream off the winch; 'Twas so we struck, we held him so Lest weed had triumph wrecked; Thus to his leap the point dropped low, And thus a rush was checked.

O sought-for prize! Full many a day The old black punt has swung Beyond his stance, in twilight's grey, Or when the dawn was young; What hopes were ours, what heart-beats high Have thrilled us, when he rolled Up from the jade-green deep, a-nigh, Dull-gleaming as of gold!

Glide on, ye stately swans, with grace-- Ye ne'er again shall see His headlong dash among the dace Beneath the willow-tree; Ye little bleak, lift up your heads, Ye gudgeon, skip at score, The run between the lily beds Shall know its lord no more!

Yet, while th' exalted pulses stir, Regret takes hands with Pride, Regret for that most splendid spur-- The Wish Ungratified; With hammering heart that bulk I con, That spread of tail and fin, And sigh, like him of Macedon, With no more worlds to win.

Pull up the rypecks, can't you, Jim! It's roses all the way! But ne'er another fish like him For any other day! Room for the victor--lock, there, room!-- Who calls the gods to scan No halfling of the amber gloom, But that leviathan.

* * * * *

Commercial Candour.

"Avoid Income-Tax and Death Duties by investing in selected Canadian Securities."

_Advt. in "Times Financial Supplement."_

* * * * *

Motto for golfer who has foozled his approach:--

"I will not stir, nor wince, nor speak a word, Nor look upon the iron angerly."

_King John_, iv., 1.

* * * * *

A LEGAL DOCUMENT.

"There is," I said, "a guilty look about you. You are hanging round. At this time of the morning you have usually retreated to your fastnesses. Why has not the telephone claimed you? There is something on your mind."

"No," said the lady of the house airily; "I have a vacant mind."

"Where, then," I said, "is your loud laugh? I have not heard you shout 'Ha-ha,' or anything remotely resembling 'Ha-ha.' Something is weighing upon you."

"Not at all."

"Yes at all," I said decisively. "You have something to confess."

"Confess!" she said scornfully. "What nonsense is this about confession? We are not early-Victorians."

"Yes, we are. I insist upon it. I shall be busy with my writing. You will come and kneel unperceived at my feet with an imploring look upon your tear-stained face. I shall give a sudden start----"

"And," she went on enthusiastically, "I shall stretch out my hands to you, and you will raise me tenderly from the floor, and I shall then explain----"

"That appearances were against you, but that Eugene is really your brother by a first marriage----"

"And I shall then call for the smelling salts and swoon like this"--she collapsed in an inanimate heap on the sofa--"and you will rise to your full height----"

"Yes," I said, "I shall forgive you freely."

"No," she said, "you will blame yourself for not having appreciated my angelic nature, for having treated me as a mere toy, for having----"

"Yes," I said," for having married you at all. But I shall forgive you all the same, and I shall present you with the locket containing my grandmother's miniature. Come on; let us start at once. I forgive you from the bottom of my heart."

"All right," she said, "I accept your forgiveness. And now that we've cleared the ground, you'll perhaps allow me----"

"Aha," I said, "then there _is_ something after all?"

"There always is _something_," she said, "so perhaps you'll allow me to ask you a question?"

"A question?" I said. "Ask me fifty. I don't promise to answer them. I'm only human, you know, but----"

"Surely," she said, "this humility is exaggerated."

"Anyhow," I said, "I'll do my best, so fire away."

"What," she said, "does one do with a legal document?"

"Isn't this rather sudden?" I said. "'What does one do with a legal document?' My dear, one does a thousand things. One buys land, or sells it--which is much better. One gets separated, or, rather, two get separated; one gets a legacy, generally quite inadequate; one executes a mortgage, but you mustn't ask me who is the mortgagor and who is the mortgagee, for, upon my sacred word of honour, I never can remember which is which or who does what. One leaves one's money to one's beloved wife by a legal document, or one cuts her off with a shilling and one's second best bed, like SHAKSPEARE, you know. Really, there's nothing you can't do with a legal document."

"How on earth," she said admiringly, "did you get to know all these things?"

"Oh, I don't know," I said. "One learns as one goes along. Men have to know more or less about the law."

"Tell me," she said; "do you feel paralysed when you see a legal document?"

"No, not now. They used to make me tremble, but I'm up to them now. I understand their jargon."

"And frankly," she said, "I don't."

"But that doesn't matter," I said. "You've got a man----"

"Lucky me," she said.

"You've got a man to help you. That's what he's there for--to help you with legal documents and to have his work interrupted and all his ideas scattered. But, bless you, he doesn't mind. He knows his place."

"Well," she said, "it's this way. A very dear friend of mine has taken a house at the seaside, and they've sent her a document."

"A letting agreement," I said.

"I suppose so," she said; "and they want her to sign it; and they say something about a counterpart which somebody else is to sign."

"That," I said, "is the usual way."

"What I want to know is, ought she to sign her document?"

"Is it the sort of house she wants?"

"The very house," she said. "She's been over it. Lots of rooms; nice garden with tennis-lawn; splendid view of the sea; drainage in perfect order; weekly rent a mere nothing. There's to be an inventory."

"Of course there is. It's always done. Does the document embody everything she requires?"

"Yes," she said, "everything; and they've thrown in two extra days for nothing."

"In that case," I said, "her duty is clear. She must sign it."

"Do you advise that?"

"I do," I said, "most strongly."

"Thank you so much," she said, "I'll do it at once," and before I could interfere she had sat down at the writing-table, produced a document, unfolded it and signed it.

"It is," she explained, "the agreement for letting Sandstone House, Sandy Bay. They made it out in my name."

"But this," I said, seizing the paper, "is madness. It is not worth the paper on which it is written."

"I did nothing," she said, "without your advice."

"I shall repudiate it," I said, "as having been obtained by fraud."

"Right-o," she said; "we leave for Sandy Bay on July 28th."

R. C. L.

* * * * *

A SECOND-HAND SERENADE.

(_The modern youth, we are told, is content to hymn his Lady in the amorous diction of other bards._)

It is not mine, Aminta, to commend you According to your merits. Miles above My puny lyre were this; I therefore send you, For reference, "The Classic Gems of Love."

Would I approve your tresses? See p. 7, L. 2, for what I frankly think of them; Your lips? p. 8; your dimples, p. 11; Your teeth and ears and ankles? _ibidem._

Your kisses? _vide_ JONSON, B., "To Celia;" See "Annie Laurie" for the way I greet Your neck and voice and eyes (the song has really a Trustworthy picture also of your feet).

But nay! It ill behoves the ardent lover To turn your gaze to any single spot, In every line, from cover unto cover, My passion finds an echo. Read the lot.

* * * * *

"SIR BAT-EARS."

Sir Bat-ears was a dog of birth And bred in Aberdeen, But he favoured not his noble kin And so his lot is mean, And Sir Bat-ears sits by the almshouses On the stones with grass between.

Under the ancient archway His pleasure is to wait Between the two stone pineapples That flank the weathered gate;

And old, old alms-persons go by, All rusty, bent and black, "Good day, good day, Sir Bat-ears!" They say and stroke his back.

And old, old alms-persons go by, Shaking and well-nigh dead, "Good night, good night, Sir Bat-ears!" They say and pat his head.

So courted and considered He sits out hour by hour, Benignant in the sunshine And prudent in the shower.

(Nay, stoutly can he stand a storm And stiffly breast the rain, That rising when the cloud is gone He leaves a circle of dry stone Whereon to sit again.)

A dozen little door-steps Under the arch are seen, A dozen aged alms-persons To keep them bright and clean;

Two wrinkled hands to scour each step With a square of yellow stone-- But print-marks of Sir Bat-ears' paws Bespeckle every one.

And little eats an alms-person, But, though his board be bare, There never lacks a bone of the best To be Sir Bat-ears' share.

Mendicant muzzle and shrewd nose, He quests from door to door; Their grace they say--his shadow gray Is instant on the floor, Humblest of all the dogs there be, A pensioner of the poor.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Harold (who has had the worst of an argument with his father)._ "ALL RIGHT, THEN, YOU DON'T GET THOSE SIX STROKES I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU THIS AFTERNOON."

* * * * *

OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.

(_The New Indigence._)

ADMIRABLE CRICHTON, double Blue and double First at Oxford, weary of gerund-grinding at a fashionable preparatory school for £500 a year, charming conversationalist, expert auction-bridge player, is open to accept partnership in well-established financial house on the basis of four months' holiday a year and genuine week-ends--Friday till Tuesday.

* * * * *

NONCONFORMIST, with open mind on the subject of gambling, but modest means and conscientious objection to hard work, is desirous of meeting liberal-minded philanthropist who will advance him £750 to operate infallible system at Monte Carlo.

* * * * *

VIGOROUS YOUNG MAN of titled family, who is sick to death of England, is prepared to undertake any duties of a sporting kind for unmarried heiress in America or elsewhere.

* * * * *

A LADY, whose income is only £4,000 a year, is greatly in need of a month's yachting, but cannot afford a yacht of her own and dislikes the mixed company to be met with on the ordinary advertised cruises. Will some kind friend be so good as to lend her a yacht and endow it?

* * * * *

UNIVERSITY MAN, strong, healthy, in early forties, who has never done a day's work in his life, but has suddenly fallen on comparative poverty, wishes to communicate with some person of means willing to save him from the pain and indignity of having to do without luxuries which have become second nature to him.

* * * * *

=£2,000= WANTED, at once, for speculation by Undergraduate. A safe two per cent. offered; advertiser cannot afford more. No professional money-lenders need apply.

* * * * *

CHRISTIAN and Teetotaler, who has not yet been to Japan, would be quite grateful to any wealthy travel-enthusiast who would make it possible for him to see this fascinating country. Excellent references.

* * * * *

Illustration: "NOW THEN, COUSIN EMMA, LET ME GIVE YOU A BIT OFF THE BREAST."

"YES, PLEASE, I SHOULD LIKE TO TASTE THAT, FOR IN MY YOUNG DAYS THEY ALWAYS GAVE IT TO THE GROWN-UPS, AND NOW THEY KEEP IT FOR THE CHILDREN, SO I'VE ALWAYS MISSED IT."

* * * * *

REVELATION REVISED.

[_A portion of "The Photodrama of Creation," a cinematograph enterprise hailing from the United States, has recently been exhibited._]

Oh, would I were a preacher or a prophet Of some wild pagan creed, I know not where-- One of whom people said, "This man is off it" (But still I had a following sparse and rare),

That so, if cynics urged, "How hard to prove is The faith ye cling to fondly and so fast!" By favour of the men who work the "movies," I might expound the future and the past.

Hiring a lot of lads with mobile faces, And all the world to tap for filméd scenes, Would I not set backsliders in their places And give my errant congregation beans?

Uprising in the darkened tabernacle, A canvas sheet across the stage unfurled, "To-night, dear brethren, we propose to tackle," I should commence, "the Making of the World.

"Doubts have arisen lately if the cosmos Sprang as I stated; an egregious don Has published pamphlets asking if it _was_ moss, Or something else, that formed the primal _On._

"Well, to confute at once this creeping scandal, You shall behold the facts before your eyes, (If Mr. Potts will kindly turn that handle-- Thank you) _and note, the camera never lies_."

Yes, I would teach them; and if any scoffers Still weltered in the quagmire of their sin, If when I overhauled the monthly coffers I found the business part a trifle thin,

Choosing a model for the worst offender I should unroll a still more lively lot Of films depicting him in pomp and splendour, "Swift glories," I should say, "and doomed to rot;"

And then turn on "The Day of Retribution," Shades of avengers in the world below Prodding my man with verve and resolution, And broiling him on spits exceeding slow,

And flaying him, and squeezing him with pincers; And whilst I pointed to his shrivelled shape (These moving picture-men are rare convincers), How I should thunder to the stalls agape!

"Look at yon sinner perishing _in toto_, Take warning lest the same occurs to you; Each fraction of each wriggle is a photo, And therefore must be absolutely true."

EVOE.

* * * * *

"At the short fourteenth Vardon was bunkered, and took an hour."--_Exeter Express._

He should have read our book, "How to get out of a Bunker in Forty-five Minutes. By One who often Does."

* * * * *

"This move of the Powers, sending a rural gentleman from the Rhine to do the big stick stunt in Albania with a lot of blood-thirsty savages, is about as much use as putting a boy sprout in the room of Sir John French."--_London Mail._

Personally we put an elderly artichoke in Sir JOHN'S room when he comes to stay with us. This, of course, in addition to the usual tin of biscuits.

* * * * *

Illustration: THE DOVE OF PEACE.

LORD CREWE. "I DON'T SAY HE'S A PERFECT BIRD, MY LORDS, BUT HE'S THE BEST WE COULD MANAGE, AND A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT MIGHT DO WONDERS FOR HIM."

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Monday, June 15._--In the mid seventies, when dear JOHNNY TOOLE was at height of well-earned fame, he for a while played three several parts on the same night. Bold advertisement announced "Toole in Three Pieces." Being just the kind of joke that has the widest run over the low level of mediocrity, it filled the gallery and upper boxes.

To-night it was recalled with fresh application. House privileged to see PREMIER in Three Pieces. For some weeks he has appeared at Question time in dual character as Prime Minister and Secretary of State for War. To-night takes on duties of absent CHANCELLOR OF DUCHY OF LANCASTER. His versatility as marvellous as his industry. In response to group of five questions addressed to him "as representing the CHANCELLOR OF THE DUCHY OF LANCASTER," bristles with minute information respecting number of livings in gift of the Duchy in West Riding of Yorkshire, together with amount of income of each benefice and nature of the security. Equally master of intricate case of the calamity overshadowing the Pontefract Cricket Club whose playing pitch has been damaged through subsidence caused by underground workings.

* * * * *

Illustration: A GENEROUS RESTRAINT.

* * * * *

"I believe the Almighty has endowed us all with a certain amount of brains; but we don't all use them." (Cheers).--_Mr. TICKLER in the debate on the Plural Voting Bill._

Situation raised nice questions as to responsibility of the underground leaseholder and the prospect of compensation from coal royalties. PREMIER as fully informed on these subjects as later he proved himself when by way of Supplementary Question AMERY, with pretty air of one really in search of elementary information, inquired "In whose hands is the government of Ireland at the present moment?" "In the hands of HIS MAJESTY'S Ministers," said ASQUITH.

Illustration: "The one thing borne home to me was what a genius the Irish people have for admiring each other."--_Mr. BIRRELL._

All very well for Duchy of Lancaster. Its affairs in strong capable hands. But that does little to assuage grief of WORTHINGTON-EVANS. For months before the day when MASTERMAN, greatly daring, exchanged safe position of Secretary of Treasury for dizzy heights of Duchy of Lancaster, WORTHINGTON-EVANS was daily accustomed to pose him with questions as to working of Insurance Act. In MASTERMAN'S enforced absence from House WEDGWOOD BENN placed in charge of Insurance Act Department. Does a difficult business exceedingly well. Has earned approval from both sides of House. But WORTHINGTON-EVANS is inconsolable. His feelings find expression in couple of lines, learned at his mother's knee, descriptive of anguish of blind boy parted from his brother by ruthless hand of death:--

Oh, give my brother back to me; I cannot play alone.

Visibly brightened up on eve of Ipswich election, which seemed to promise return of the wanderer. As to-night he sits forlorn in corner seat below Gangway to left of SPEAKER, gazing sadly at corner of Treasury bench opposite (once amply filled by figure of former Secretary of Treasury), STEPHEN GWYNNE, seated next to him, gently nudges BUTCHER, and with softened memories of _Peggotty_ contemplating _Mrs. Gummidge_ in exceptionally low spirits, whispers, "He's thinking of the old 'un."

_Business done._--After brief unsparkling debate Plural Voters Bill read a third time. Hostile amendment moved from Front Opposition Bench negatived by 320 votes against 242. Bill passed final stage without division.