Chapter 2

So mused I sadly; and since new Sensations oft from grief can jerk us I went to see the "Wonder Zoo," Herr HAGENBECK's surprising circus.

There where the Model Homes were built That left some while ago the bard bored I watched the Nubian lions wilt In imitation lairs of cardboard.

And sudden, whilst I saw them roll-- Those monster cats--beyond their ha-ha, A solace came into my soul, I murmured _sotto voce_, "Aha!

"If but yon sunken fence were filled, So that these grim-faced brutes might cross it, Are there no athletes here undrilled, Veiled by their adipose deposit?

"In slothful ease Britannia shirks; But haply, near these sundering ditches, Some mute inglorious miler lurks Under a morning coat and breeches.

"Oh, if the gulf were bridged! What late, What all undreamed-of hurdle-winners Might blossom from a natural hate Of forming parts of feline dinners?

"Yes, even I, the motley fool, Starting from scratch and willy nilly Might prove it needs no Yankee school To knock the level hundred silly.

"The gymnast's art should all be mine As, clambering from the scene of pillage, I roosted safe in yon red pine (Left over from the Russian village).

"Ay, and if all old tales are wrong And lions climb--from that asylum I should come out extremely, strong, Using my brolly for a pilum."

Evoe.

* * * * *

THE INDOMITABLES.

There is trouble ahead for some of our Peers.

I have just come across three fore-warnings of it.

The first was in the train. A fat man was telling his grievance to a thin man.

"I'll stick at nothing," he said. "I mean to see this through. The idea! Why, we've only been in the house seven weeks. Remember that. Remember also that gas is half-a-crown a thousand. And understand that we're most economical; we're always turning the lights down, my wife and I. Now then; in spite of this the rascals want me to pay on sixty thousand feet! It's preposterous. We couldn't have got through so much if we had never let a burner or a stove go out day or night. And we're economical! What do you say to that?"

The thin man said that he had never heard anything so infamous in his life.

"But I'm going to fight it, I can tell you," said the fat man. "Oh yes. If necessary I'll take it to the House of Lords."

"Quite right," said the thin man, picking up his paper.

The second case was late at night, in the corner of a restaurant. Two men were talking near me and I heard most of it.

"It was like this," said one, who might have been a journalist from the look of him, to the other, whom I could not exactly place, but fancied he was perhaps remotely connected with music. He yawned rather more than I should have liked had I been the narrator. "It was like this. There were eight of us to dinner and five of us had old brandy at two bob a go. Only five. The first lot was poured out by the waiter, so there can be no trouble over that; that's ten bob. Then three or four of us had another go. Do you see?"

The musician came back to earth and said that he saw.

"Very well. Even supposing that we did overpour a little, we didn't have more than ten portions altogether. That I can swear to. Yet what do you think the bill said? 'Liqueurs, two pounds.' Think of it!"

The musician woke up and made the motions of a man thinking of it and finding it the limit.

"Of course I refused to pay," the journalist went on.

"Of course," said the musician.

"And now we're fighting it. But I don't care if it breaks me, I'll resist it. If necessary I'll take it to the House of Lords."

The third case happened only this morning. I met in the street an artist friend.

"Hullo," I said, "I don't often see you out and about at this hour when there's so little decent daylight."

"No," he said, "it's an awful bore, but I've got to see a lawyer. The fact is I'm in for litigation."

"You?" I cried.

"Yes, me. It's dead against my nature, I know, but this is serious. In the public interest a fellow must do something unpleasant now and then."

"What is it?" I asked, drawing him towards a comfortable resort where cordials against this appalling weather were obtainable.

"The fact is," he said, "my wife's been poisoned."

"Poisoned!"

"I don't mean in the BORGIA way. Not any CATHERINE DE MEDICI tricks. No, merely in a London restaurant. Out shopping the other day she had lunch in one of those West End places and she's been ill ever since. A dish of curry. Well, I'm going to have those people's blood, and incidentally some money too, I hope."

"I wish you joy of the experience," I said.

"I know all about that," he replied dismally; "but it's got to be done. And I'm going through with it."

"You'll stick at nothing?" I said.

"Nothing," he replied. "If necessary--"

"I know," I said.

"What?"

"If necessary you'll take it to the House of Lords."

"Yes; but how did you know?"

"I guessed it," I replied; "but you'll be horribly congested there."

And so, I repeat, there is a busy time ahead for some of our Peers.

* * * * *

UNCLE STEVE'S FAIRY.

You've 'eard 'em tell o' fairy folk An' all the luck they bring? Now don't you 'eed the lies that's spoke; _They don't do no such thing_; You see my thumb, Sir, 'ow it's tore? You'll say, may'ap, a badger boar 'As done it? By your leave, An' that's a bloomin' fairy, Sir, that bit old Uncle Steve!

'Twas me an' Ebenezer Mogg An' little Essex Jim, The chap that's got the lurcher dog That's cleverer than 'im, As met to 'ave a bit o' sport Among the covers at the Court, Upon the strict q.t.-- That's Ebenezer, then, an' Jim, an' Toby-dog an' me.

At 'alf-past ten or so that night We left "The Chequers'" bar; 'Twas dark, an' down the velvet 'eight Of 'eaven fell a star; The moon was settin' through the trees As big an' white as 'alf a cheese, The very best she could, Since we 'ad got the long-net out to try the 'Ome Park wood.

We laid it 'long the cover side, A furlong "mesh an'-pin"; We sent the lurcher rangin' wide To drive the rabbits in; A soft, sweet night in late July We lay among the bracken 'igh That 'eld the mid-day sun, While mute an' wise ole Toby ranged enjoyin' of the fun.

But soon we 'ears the rabbits squeak, A-kickin' in the cords, An' gets among 'em, so to speak, Like gentlemen an' lords; We slips along their necks to wring, When Mogg 'e 'oilers out, "By Jing! Look, lads, 'ere's summut fresh-- A bloomin' fairy-airy 's got 'isself into the mesh!"

We flashed the lanthorn on to 'im; I tell you, Sir, 'e lay A nasty, ugly little limb, An' yallerer than clay; An' wicious--Ebenezer Mogg Wanted to back 'im 'gainst the dog; But Jim 'e says, "No go; This 'ere'll fetch a mort o' brass for Mr. BARNUM's show!"

I grabs the little jumpin'-jack; Says I, "It's gettin' late; We'll shove the beggar in the sack An' see, at any rate." 'Twas then ole Buckshot an' his crew Come dashin' at us 'cross the dew; The varmint bit like mad; I shook 'im off--'e disappeared; but _I_ was fairly 'ad!

They brought me up at Thornleigh 'Eath; I got a fortnight's stretch; An' still I feels 'is wicked teeth, That spiteful little wretch; An' still my thumb 's all any'ow In weather (as it is just now) That's frosty, 'ard an' chill; 'Tis few things seems to do it good.... Why, thank 'ee, Sir, I will!

* * * * *

WHY OUR CHEMISTS ARE SO BRIGHT AND HEALTHY.

"Folle.--How charming to have a manicure set presented to you! When filling it with the necessary manicure preparations, include the ---- Nail Polish, which all chemists keep; it keeps them so bright and healthy."

_Lady's Pictorial._

* * * * *

* * * * *

BILLIARDS A LA GOLF.

"I want a billiard cue," I said; "one I can travel with comfortably--that folds up, or telescopes, or does something of that kind, you know."

"Yes, Sir," said the salesman. "This style of cue with a secret joint would probably suit you. It unscrews in the middle, is handy to carry, and absolutely reliable when fitted together."

"And now about a case?"

"Yes, Sir. Do you want a case for the secret-jointed cue only, or a case for your whole kit?"

"My whole kit?"

"Your complete set of cues, Sir."

"Never heard of such a thing."

"I assure you, Sir, that all the best people go in for sets--just as with golf, Sir. This is a complete set; the whole, including the case, for ten guineas." And he showed me a long green-lined mahogany box containing foreign-looking cues (in addition to a secret-jointed one) packed as carefully as a set of drawing instruments.

"Would you mind explaining this mystery box to me?" I asked.

"Certainly, Sir," said the obliging young man. "This set of cues has been designed for the billiard player who spends his summer on the golf links and comes back in the autumn to billiards with the golf-habit highly developed. That is, the habit acquired on the links of using different clubs for the various shots. Now this cue--"

"Oh, that, of course, is an ordinary cue," I interrupted. "Never mind that one; introduce me to the others."

"Pardon me, Sir, it only _looks_ like an ordinary cue. A steel tube has been inserted down its interior--"

"Do I understand that billiard cues have also taken to hunger-striking?"

The shopman forced a polite but cheerless smile and continued, "This makes the cue perfectly rigid and inflexible--"

"It has the same effect on the hunger-strikers, I am told."

"--and eminently suitable for its special purpose. We call it the 'Driver' cue--for driving off from baulk and for follow-throughs, forcing strokes and all-round cannons."

"Ah, and what is the hammer-headed instrument for? It looks more like a club than a cue."

"Yes, Sir. There is nothing in the rules to prevent the use of a club. If I may point it out to you, Sir, there is here a special appeal to the ladies, who are now coming into the game in ever increasing numbers. Up to the present time most lady players have failed completely to bring off a successful masse shot; but with the 'Hammer' cue used as a club--over the shoulder (_so_)--"

"I see! You play it with a downward smashing blow, eh? An appeal to the militant billiardette?"

"Precisely, Sir."

"And what is this for?" I pulled out of the case a cue with the point flattened on one side, as if some one had begun to sharpen it like a pencil and left off after the first big slash.

"That is called the 'Jumper,'" explained the young man, "and may be roughly likened to the niblick in golf. Playing it with the flat side of the point lying on the table (_so_) you can lift or jump a ball over any obstacle, such as a cut in the cloth, or ash accidentally dropped from your opponent's cigar. In Snooker it is a _sine qua non_.

"Here, again, is what we call the 'Potter'; it is telescopic. One hand only is required when using the 'Potter.' You take aim as with a pistol, the inner tube or cue being projected against the ball by means of concealed springs which are worked by this trigger in the butt. The sights are adjustable for long or short shots."

"And this fellow with the open nozzle?"

"That is our 'Patent Vacuum' cue, Sir, for screw-back shots. By means of this miniature bellows in the butt a jet of air is pumped upon the ball, through the open nozzle or tip, at whatever velocity is desired. When the striking ball has made contact with the object ball, suction is immediately produced by releasing this fan, which you may see just inside the nozzle."

"By Jove!" I said, "I must have one of those. No, I won't take the whole set; I can't afford a caddie to go round a billiard room with me."

"Thank you, Sir," returned the shopman. "Perhaps you might consider our latest marking-board for your own room--our Cinema-Board. For the slate in the centre we have substituted revolving illuminated films showing the leading players at work. Information and instruction hand-in-hand with pleasure. When you go to the board to register the score you often get a hint from the moving picture.... No, Sir? Have you seen our musical pockets? Quite the latest New Year billiard novelty. When the ball drops into the net the weight presses on this stop, which releases a musical phrase from a musical-box under the table. We have some delightful rag-time effects for Pool.... Not to-day, Sir? Thank you, Sir. The 'Vacuum Patent' and the secret-jointed cue shall be delivered this afternoon. Good day, Sir."

* * * * *

THE BARGAIN.

* * * * *

THE PIDGIN TROT.

The Paris Academy of Dancing Masters, according to a contemporary, announce a real successor to the Tango in the "Ta-tao." This dance is at any rate of respectable antiquity, as it has been popular in China since the year 2450 B.C. We anticipate an influx of slit-eyed professors from the Middle Kingdom, and are therefore brushing up our pidgin English in order that _Mr. Punch's_ readers may be able to deal with the situation in the ball-rooms and at Ta-tao teas. Thus:--

_Student._ Chin-chin, Mr. Dance-pidgin-man!

_Plofessor._ Chin-chin, sah!

_Student._ You jussee now come this-side?

_Plofessor._ My hab jussee come Luntun.

_Student._ You talkee Yin-ke-li?

_Plofessor._ Can do. My sabby Englishee allo same you. My talkee tlue pidgin, no talkee lie pidgin.

_Student._ That b'long first chop! My wantchee catchee you teachee my, allo same same you dancee ta-tao.

_Plofessor._ My teachee numbah one plopah!

_Student._ So-fashion eh? How muchee plice?

_Plofessor._ My no makee squeeze-pidgin. My teachee velly well. S'pose you talkee plice....

_Student._ S'pose you catchee two dollah one-piecee time? Can do?

_Plofessor._ No can! My wantchee save face! My plice ten dollah, by'mby twenty dollah one-piecee time, allo same tango fashion.

_Student._ That ting no b'long leason! You b'long clevah inside--understand? My sabby heap foleign debble.... You catchee plenty cumshah!

_Plofessor._. My no lose face....

etc., etc., _da capo_.

_Nut._ _You_-piecee here? Chin-chin!

_Noisette._. Allo same you. You sabby plenty girl-chilo here?

_Nut._ My _don't_ tink. Who-man b'long that boy-chilo you jussee talkee down-side?

_Noisette._ That b'long _my_ pidgin!

_Nut._ Solly! S'pose you wantchee one-piecee dance? My b'long numbah one good boy!

_Noisette._ Can do first chop.

_Nut._ You sabby-dancee ta-tao?

_Noisette._ Can do two-piecee step so-fashion, one-piecee step _so_-fashion....

_Nut._ You b'long quite top-side.... I say, this lingo is about the edge. Put me down for the chow-chow--I mean supper, what!

_Noisette._ Sorry. Full up. Ta-tao!

Zig-Zag.

* * * * *

THE PRICE OF ADMIRALTY.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE MOAN OF THE OLD HORSES.

(See correspondence in _The Spectator_ upon the sufferings of old horses exported alive to Antwerp.)

"Master, it was long ago you rode me; Master, you were careful of me then; Never was there anyone bestrode me Equal to my master among men. When we flew the hedge and ditch together-- '_Good lass!_'--how it made me prick my ear! Horn and hound, bright steel and polished leather, Long ago--if you but saw me here!"

_Pitiless wind and heaving surge, A fevered foot and a running sore, The siren's shriek for a funeral dirge, And a hobble to death on the further shore._

"Master, it was long ago you bought me; Master, you were proud to see me strain, Matching all my might as nature taught me With the loaded burden of the wain. When I drew the harvest waggon single-- '_Good lad!_'--how I turned my head to see! Chain and hames and brasses all a-jingle, Long ago--do you remember me?"

_Pitiless surge and driving hail, A ship a-roll in a dazing roar, A shoulder split on an iron rail, And a hobble to death on the further shore._

"Master, you were saddened when we parted, Begged of my new master to be kind; Divers owners since and divers-hearted Leave me old and weary, lame and blind. Voices in the tempest passing over-- '_Good lass!_'--I can scarcely turn my head. Oats and deep-strewn stall and rack of clover, Long ago--and oh that I were dead!"

_Piteous fate--too long to live, Piteous end for a friend of yore; Was it too much of a boon to give A merciful death on the nearer shore?_

* * * * *

THE NEW "WHITE HOPE."

"'I passed through several drawing-rooms,' she says. 'I saw ladies who were so shy that they couldn't utter a word before me, but who suddenly put a ribbon round my wrist to measure it'--you know, of course, by reputation Polaire's 15-inch wrist."--_Sunday Chronicle._

If the biceps is in proportion, Bandsman BLAKE should tremble.

* * * * *

AT THE PLAY.

"The Darling of the Gods."

Though the Gallery, on the night when I attended, received it with rapt interest rather than delirious enthusiasm, _The Darling of the Gods_ promises once more to justify its title. The play has undergone very little modification since it was produced a decade ago. It remains pure melodrama incidentally set in a Japanese dress, and sprinkled with a few Japanese words. Here and there it may reproduce the Japanese attitude of mind, as distinct from details of custom, but the general spirit of it follows the traditional Anglo-Saxon lines. Anybody who knows no more of Japan than may be gathered from the pages of LAFCADIO HEARN will at least have learned that her youth is taught to regard the love-interest of an ordinary English novel as an indecency; and so will recognise the improbability of the romantic element in the play. Still, all that is of little consequence, for there must have been very few who went to His Majesty's to improve their acquaintance with comparative ethnology.

The play has pleasant things for the eye; and one of the best of them was the face of Mr. GEORGE RELPH as _Kara_, leader of the Samurai. But there were horrors, too; notably the senile amorousness of _Zakkuri_ and the offensive little figure of _It_, his shadow--an interpolation in the bill of fare. A properly qualified dwarf I might have welcomed; but this precocious babe with the false moustache and the sham bald crown and the cynical giggle, who ought to have been in the nursery instead of serving his master with liquid stimulants and assisting in all sorts of wickedness, was a peculiarly nauseating object, and got on my nerves far more than the terrors of the torture-chamber. This painful business was done off, and indeed most of the bloody work was carried on out of sight--a curious economy in a play where there was so much talk of lethal tools. It is true that an arrow once flopped on to the stage, but it only brought a note from a friend's hand. Swords, too, were now and then raised to strike, but were always arrested in mid-air. Even in the last stand of the Samurai, where one might reasonably have hoped for some hand-to-hand play, nothing happened except one fatal shot from an unseen musket, and even then the stricken body fell into the wings. If it hadn't been for the throttling of a spy and a touch or two of hara-kiri in the dark of the Bamboo Forest we should have had practically no corpses at all.

Sir HERBERT TREE was again the most likely exotic, and played his revolting part with great gusto and a permissible amount of humour. Miss MARIE LOeHR, whose delicate grace of feature and colouring lost something by her dusky disguise, was sufficiently Japanese in the first scene, and did the right twittering with her feet; but when the virgin light-heartedness of _Yo-San_ was changed to tragic despair she mislaid her Orientalism and reverted to her attractive English self. She brought a true pathos into the scene where she is left out of mind by her lover, to whom, at a pinch, all that is unfair to love was fair in war. I shall never, by the way, quite understand how _Kara_ so far forgot his manners and obligations as to threaten her with death for a betrayal to which he owed his own life and with it the opportunity of killing her. With this reservation, _Kara_ is a brave and noble figure, and Mr. RELPH made him look like it.

I was disappointed that Mr. PHILIP MERIVALE should have had no better chance than was afforded by the part of a dumb servant for the display of that delightful personality which so shone in his _Cassio_ and his _Doughty_; but he was quietly admirable in the most thrilling scene of all--outside the Shoji of _Yo-San_. One missed the fine performance of Miss HILDYARD as the outcast Geisha, with its suggestion of SADI YAKKO's manner.

The play was again admirably mounted, and the final scene of reunion in the clouds (reached after an interval where every minute, by Greenwich time, was a hundred years) contrived to escape the banality which commonly attends these transfigurations. I was glad, too, to observe that, in the code of etiquette which prevails in "the first Celestial Heaven," the European habit of osculation is recognised; though it seems that you have to go through a very hell of a time before you get to it.

O. S.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE OLD MASTER.

As these things go, I reckon our sale went pretty well. Just before closing time we held a rubbish auction, with Ginger in the chair. Ginger would make an absolute Napoleon among auctioneers. He can bully, lie, despair, wheedle and take you into his confidence in one breath.

He had sold four table-centres and a pair of babies' boots for songs when Mrs. James Allen came up to his platform and explained a parcel which she handed up in agitated whispers.

Ginger accepted it with a whistle that was not without its moral effect on the mass. He released it from its wrappings reverently and, after a short scrutiny, spake out.

"We have here, ladies and gentlemen, what I have no hesitation in regarding as the gem of the sale. It has by a highly unfortunate mischance lain hidden up to five minutes ago. It is nothing less, in fact, than an indisputably genuine Van Ruiter--(sensation)--which Colonel Allen has very nobly consented to sacrifice for--for the splendid cause which has assembled us here to-day. (Applause.) This little canvas, ladies and gentlemen, apart from being an authenticated example of such an artist as Van Ruiter, is a possession which any man might be proud of. It is called 'The Two Windmills' and is, I hope, known to most of you by reputation. What shall we say for this, ladies and gentlemen?"

"Sevenpence," said a humourist.