Chapter 2

* * * * * From an Aberdeen firm's advertisement:--

Success comes in Cans, not in Can'ts.

Once-a-year Clearance.

To-day and Following Days.

Wonder Values!

Stimulants to Encourage Purchasers.

In the cans, we suppose.

* * * * *

A GOLF JUDGMENT.

(_To the Editor of "Punch."_)

Dear Sir,--As I am not at all satisfied with the recent decision of The Rules of Golf Committee on the position created by a cow carrying off a ball in her hoof, I appeal to you to arbitrate in the following dispute between myself and my friend A (for I am too courteous to expose his actual name).

During some very wild weather we made an arrangement, before starting out, that, in the event of another storm coming on, the game should be decided by the score existing at the moment of our consequent retirement.

A was in receipt of six bisques. I holed out the first in five. A, who was in well-deserved trouble all the way, holed out in ten. I remarked, "One up!" to which A made no response. As we moved off to the second tee there was a loud clap of thunder and the heavens burst over our heads. A at once shouted above the tumult, "I take my six bisques and claim the hole and the match." He then headed swiftly for the pavilion.

I cannot believe that he was justified in his claim. What do _you_ think?

Yours faithfully, FAIR PLAY.

_Editor's Decision._--The original arrangement was bad in Golf Law. The match is therefore off, and each party must pay his own costs.

* * * * *

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

"Do you believe in magic?" Jack asked.

I hedged.

"Well, whether you do or not," he said, "I've got a rather rum story for you."

"Go ahead," I replied.

"Very well," he said. "It was on last Tuesday morning that I looked in at the watchmaker's to see if my watch was mended yet.

"It was hanging up in the glass case above the bench where he worked, with my name on a little tab attached to the ring.

"'No,' the man said, 'it's not done--in fact, I'm still observing it.'

"'But it seems to be recording the time all right,' I said.

"'Yes,' he replied--'seems, but it isn't. That's mere chance. Do you know, it's so fast that it's gained exactly twenty-four hours since you brought it in. That's not to-day's time it's registering, but to-morrow's. Leave it here another week, and I'll have got to the bottom of the mystery.'

"At first I was disposed to do so; and then I had an idea.

"'No,' I said, 'I'll take it.'

"'But it's useless to you,' he replied.

"'I'll take it," I said. 'Just for fun.'

"He gave it me reluctantly and returned to his labours.

"I walked away from the shop very thoughtfully. Here was a curious state of things. I and the rest of the world were living on Monday, February 9th, while my watch was busily recording, a little too hurriedly, the progress of time on Tuesday, February 10th. To see into the future has ever been man's dearest wish, and here was I in possession of a little piece of machinery which actually was of the future and yet could tell none of its secrets.

"But couldn't it? Couldn't I wrest one at least from it?--that was what worried me.

"As I pondered, a newspaper boy passed me bearing the placard 'Selections for Lingfield,' and in a flash I bought one. My watch knew who had won! How could I extract that information from it?"

Jack paused.

"Good heavens," I interpolated, "what an extraordinary situation!"

"You may well say so," he said. "You see, if only I could share its knowledge, I should be rich for life; for it was now only a quarter to eleven, and the first race was not till one-fifty, and there was plenty of time to bet.

"But----

"I continued on my way deep in thought," Jack went on, "when whom should I meet but Lisburne? Lisburne is the most ingenious man I know.

"'Come and advise me,' I said, and led him to a quiet corner.

"'It's jolly interesting,' he remarked, when I had finished, 'but of course it's black arts, you know, and we've lost the key nowadays. Still we must try.'

"We discussed the thing every way, in vain.

"Then suddenly he said, 'Look here, this watch represents to-morrow. That means it is through the watch that we must work. Here, let's get to-day's _Mail_ and read it through the watch-glass and see if there's any difference?'

"We got it and did so.

"Lisburne removed the glass, found the racing news and read them through it. 'Good heavens!' he said, and turned white. 'Here, read this with your naked eye,' he said, pushing the paper before me.

"I read 'Saturday's racing results: 1.30, Midas 1, Blair Hampton 2, Chessington 3,' and so on. 'Prices, Midas 6-4,' etc.

"'Those are Saturday's results,' he said, shaking with excitement. 'But now read them through the watch-glass.'

"I did so, and they immediately changed to Monday's results. I was reading to-morrow's paper!

"'Look at the prices,' he cried.

"'The prices! I hastily ran through them. They were splendid. "Captain Farrell 10-1, Woodpark 10-1, Flitting Light 4-1." And these horses, remember,' he said, 'are going to run this afternoon!'

"'What's the next thing to be done?' I gasped.

"'The bookies,' he replied.

"'I suppose they're fair game,' I said.

"'Of course,' he replied. 'The very fairest. But that's nothing to do with you, anyhow. You're in possession of magic and must employ it. They are the natural medium. How much can you muster?'

"'I'd risk anything I could scrape up,' I said. 'Say £750. And you?'

"'Oh, I'm broke,' he replied. 'How many bookies do you know?'

"'Three,' I said.

"'Well,' he replied, 'I know three more, and we can find men who know others, and who will bet for us. Because we must plant this out warily, you know, or they'll be suspicious.'

"'Will you take it in hand,' I asked, 'leaving me £150 for my own commissioners?'

"'Of course,' he said, 'if you'll give me ten per cent.;' and having copied out all the longer-priced winners through the watch-glass he hurried off, promising to meet me at lunch.

"How to get through the intervening time was now the question. First I went to the telegraph office, and then to the barber's to have my hair cut. Forcibly to be kept in a chair was what I needed. The hair-cut took only half-an-hour; so I was shaved; then I was shampooed; then I was massaged; then I was manicured. I should have been pedicured, but the clock mercifully said lunch-time.

"Lisburne was there in a state of fever. He had distributed the £600 among fourteen different commission agents.

"'Now we can have lunch,' he said, 'with easy minds.'

"Easy!

"'But suppose the whole thing is a fizzle,' I said. 'We've been far too impetuous. Impulse was always my ruin.'

"'Oh no,' he said.

"'But if it's a fizzle,' I said, 'what about my £750?'

"'It won't be,' he replied. 'It's magic. Let's order something to eat.'

"He ate; that is the advantage of being on ten per cent. commission. I couldn't."

Jack paused.

"Go on," I said. "Did the horses win?"

"Every one," he replied.

"At those prices?"

"Yes."

"Then you're frightfully rich?"

"No," he said.

"Why ever not? Surely the bookies haven't refused to pay?"

"Oh no."

"Then why aren't you rich?"

"Because I did the usual silly thing--I woke up."

* * * * *

"The Cafe Chantant.

To the Editor of 'The Evening Post.'

Sir,--In writing on the 4th February I omitted from the lists of names of two of our kind helpers at the Café Chantant, Messrs. Le Cheminant and the Victoria Dairy. Will you kindly allow me to do so now. Yours faithfully, M. P. PIPON."

_"The Evening Post," Jersey._

Apparently the Editor wouldn't!

* * * * *

"Yesterday a metal-gilt chandelier, 5ft. high, with branches for twenty-five lights, and numerous cut-glass pendants, fell at the one bid of half a guinea. The purchaser, who was sitting under it, seemed to be the most surprised person in the room."

_Daily Telegraph._

If it fell on his head, we fear he must have been pained as well as surprised.

* * * * *

"N.B.--Welsh rarebit is most nourishing, and, with a plate of soap, makes an excellent dinner." _Bombay Gazette._

The soap, however nourishing, should be disguised; otherwise your guests will misunderstand you.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LETTERS AND LIFE.

Preparations are already on foot for the great banquet to be given in honour of the famous Russian novelist, Dr. Ladislas Plovskin, who is to visit England in July. A representative committee has been formed, which includes, amongst others, Sir GILBERT PARKER, Mr. CHARLES GARVICE, Mr. SILAS HOCKING, Mr. C. K. SHORTER, Lord DUNSANY, Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS and Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, who will take the chair at the banquet. There is a peculiar appropriateness in this, for it was Mr. GOSSE who, some ten years ago, first called attention to Plovskin in one of his masterly studies. Since then, Plovskin has gained the Nobel Prize and become the object of a special cult which has centres from Tomsk to Seattle, and from Popocatapetl to Oshkosh.

The address which will be presented to the great Muscovite fictionist has been written by Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS, and is a masterpiece of sensitive and discriminating eulogy. Thus in one passage Mr. DOUGLAS says, "while preserving your own individuality with miraculous independence, you have summed up in your work all the inchoate influences to be found in HOMER, DANTE, SHAKSPEARE, VOLTAIRE and VERLAINE, and carried them to a pitch of divine effulgence only to be equalled in the godlike work of our marvellous MASEFIELD."

Dr. Plovskin is no stranger to England, for he was an intimate friend of the late EDWARD LEAR, who alludes to him under the name of Ploffskin in one of his touching lyrics, and, as we have seen, he owes almost everything to the generous appreciation of Mr. GOSSE, to whom he has dedicated his last novel, which bears the fascinating title of _The Bad Egg_. Portions of this, it is to be hoped, will be recited at the banquet by the author's brother-in-law, Mr. Ossip Bobolinsky, Managing Director of the Anglo-Manchurian Steam Tar Company.

* * * * *

In smart intellectual circles Tagore Teas are now all the rage. At these elegant and up-to-date entertainments China tea is absolutely proscribed, the refreshments, solid and liquid, being exclusively of Indian origin. After tea the guests cantillate passages from the prose and poetry of the Great Indian Master to the accompaniment of gongs (the Sanskrit _tum-tum_) and one-stringed Afghan jamboons, for the space of two or three hours, when their engagements permit. Sometimes the reading is varied by mystical dances of a slow and solemn character, but all laughter, levity and exuberance are sedulously discountenanced, the aim of all present being to attain an attitude of serene and complacent ecstasy which enables them to invest utterances of the most perfect ineptitude with a portentous and pontifical significance.

* * * * *

"The advent to the episcopal bench of Dr. Russell Wakefield--the only Anglican Bishop on record to wear a moustache with a clean-shaven chin--does not appear to have aroused so much comment as the appointment of Dr. Ryle to the See of Liverpool in 1884. It was then said that the new prelate was the first Anglican Bishop to wear a beard for over 200 years."--_The Daily Chronicle._

Dr. RUSSELL WAKEFIELD, of course, has not worn his moustache for a quarter of that time.

* * * * *

From a Hong Kong tradesman's circular:--

"EGGS! FRESH EGGS! AND TASTEFUL EGGS! FOR SALE.

These eggs are exceedingly pure and fresh, and can be proved by looking at or breaking them. The yelk when boiled--smell sweet, the white--glistened, relished, and favourable to health as well.

TRY our taseeful eggs as their quality bears.

COME! COME! COME! AND TRY TO HAVE SOME."

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE HEN.

To-day it is not mine to sing A lay of love, a song of Spring; I tackle no uplifting thing Of arms and men; My muse is otherwise beguiled To gentler themes and measures mild; I sing of nature's artless child, The common hen.

Little she has of lyric stuff; Her bows, I grant, are merely bluff, Her sternmost pile of windy fluff Would leave one cool; Yet never since the world was planned Was aught more lofty and more grand Regarded as a mother--and Such an old fool.

In laying eggs is all her joy; Its rapture never seems to cloy; She knows no worthier employ In life than this, So to collect a fertile batch Still young, still fresh enough to hatch, And thus, by sterling effort, snatch A mother's bliss.

But, though the futile one will lay (When she's in form) an egg per day, She always gives the fact away With loud acclaim That all the novel truth may know; Whereby the unsleeping human foe Derives a tip on where to go To get the same.

It does not make her senses reel, This mystery, or dim her zeal, Till by degrees she seems to feel Her broken lot; She roams aloof, she grows depressed; And then, her broody sorrow guessed, Men lure her to a well-filled nest And bid her squat.

And now behold her, warm and wide, Her rounded form well satisfied, Though even in her highest pride She has no luck; The offspring that she tends so well Are probably of alien shell; Indeed, for all that she can tell, They may be duck.

Yes, one may grant that on the whole She would not thrill the poet soul; For, tho' she plays a decent _rôle_ Beyond all doubt, Where mental qualities are lacked We find but little to attract; She does not make, in point of fact, The heart go out.

But see her when some danger lies O'er her young brood, and, with wild eyes, Straight at the sudden foe she flies, Her full soul spurred To battle with the gnashing beak-- A roaring tiger is more meek; And somehow one is bound to speak Well of the bird.

DUM-DUM.

* * * * *

From the "Found" column in _The Standard_:--

"Fox Skin Fur, on Hog's Back."

The last place where you would look for it.

* * * * *

"Natal first innings--Barnes, 5 wickets for 44 runs; Rolf, 4 for 59; Woolley, 6 for 6; Douglas, 8 for 8; Hearne, none for 15; Bird, 1 for 9.--P.A. Foreign Special Telegram."

_Glasgow Herald._

And yet Natal won.

* * * * *

THE MISSING WORD.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Tuesday, February_ 10.--Odd to find proceedings in House to-day reminiscent of incident in a famous trial. Occasion recognised as supremely momentous. Marks, within defined limit of time, crisis of bitter controversy. Before Session closes fate of Ireland and of the Ministry will be settled. PREMIER'S speech awaited with gravest anxiety. Lobby thronged with animated groups. Before four o'clock--when SPEAKER returned to Chair elate with consciousness of singular foresight in having "for greater accuracy" possessed himself of copy of KING'S Speech, presently read to expectant Members, most of whom heard it delivered from the Throne two hours earlier--stream of humanity flooded House, filling every seat and crowding Bar.

It was at preliminary gathering that case of _Bardell_ v. _Pickwick_ was recalled. House awaiting arrival of Black Rod with summons to repair to gilded Chamber. Message delivered, SPEAKER, escorted by SERJEANT-AT-ARMS carrying Mace, marches off. From Treasury Bench and from Front Bench opposite, Leader of House and Leader of Opposition simultaneously rise and fall in. Other Ministers and ex-Ministers with mob of Members complete procession.

When PREMIER and BONNER LAW met they heartily shook hands. CAPTAIN CRAIG and MOORE (of Armagh) looked at each other in pained surprise.

Here was the touch of nature that makes the whole world kin. When seated in court awaiting opening of trial, _Mr. Pickwick_ observed a learned serjeant-at-law make friendly salutation to his own counsel.

"Who's that red-faced man who said it was a fine morning, and nodded to our counsel?" he whispered to his solicitor.

"Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz," was the reply. "He's opposed to us; he leads on the other side."

_Mr. Pickwick_, it is recorded, regarded with great abhorrence the cold-blooded villainy of a man who, as counsel for the opposite party, presumed to tell _Mr. Serjeant Snubbin_, who was counsel for him, that it was a fine morning.

Thus MOORE (of Armagh) and the COURAGEOUS CRAIG. Here were the contending forces set in battle array, and the first thing they behold is their Captain shaking hands with the commander of the enemy! An ominous beginning, they agreed, well calculated to depress the spirits of men who mean business.

It proved emblematical of what followed. Expected that stupendous occasion would be marked by dramatic scenes, possibly by outbreak of disorder. Nothing of that kind happened. Scene was indeed impressive by reason of Chamber being crowded from floor to topmost bench of Strangers' Gallery. Also, whilst PREMIER in unusually low-spoken, comparatively halting voice, delivered critical passages of his speech, there was movement marking intense interest. Multitude on floor of House bent forward to catch the murmured syllables. Members crowding the side galleries stood up in same anxious quest.

Otherwise the accustomed signs and tokens of Parliamentary crisis were conspicuously lacking. WALTER LONG, whose return to fighting-line after bout of illness was warmly welcomed on both sides, pitched the opening note a little low. Not fierce enough to gratify Ulster, he correspondingly failed to irritate the Home Rulers.

As for PREMIER, his part, adroitly played, was to appear to be saying a good deal without committing himself to definite pledges. Above all, not to inflame controversy. He brought with him unusually copious notes, but did not, as is his wont on such occasions, read from them the text of especially weighty passages. Spoke slowly, occasionally in a murmur, uttering his sentences as if deliberately weighing each word. Following WALTER LONG, he was received with prolonged cheers, testifying to personal popularity. When he sat down cheering was more polite than effusive.

Irish Nationalists barely contributed even to this circumspect note of approval. Throughout nearly an hour's speech they sat in ominous silence, listening to passages in which they seemed to recognise disposition on part of PREMIER towards mood of _Benedick_, who, when he said he would die a bachelor, never thought he would live to be married.

Had not PREMIER within the last twelve months frequently declared he would never consent to exclusion of Ulster from Home Rule Bill? And wasn't he now showing signs of disposition to surrender?

_Business done._--Parliament reassembles. WALTER LONG, on behalf of Opposition, moves amendment to Address, calling upon Government to appeal to country before proceeding further with Home Rule Bill.

_Wednesday._--Interest of sitting centred in speeches of CARSON and JOHN REDMOND. Former met with rousing reception from Opposition. Some Ministerialists would have liked to join in the demonstration, not because they share CARSON'S views or admire his policy, but because they instinctively feel admiration for a man of commanding position who has sacrificed personal and professional interests to what he regards as the well-being of his country. Esteem increased by merit of his speech. Only once did he lapse into tone and manner of personal attack familiar to House when Ulster Members and Nationalists, hating each other for love of their country, join in debate. Turning round to top bench below Gangway, where JOHN REDMOND sat attentive, he said: "If you want Ulster, come and take her, or come and win her. But you have never wanted her affections; you have wanted her taxes."

This stung to the quick. REDMOND, leaping to his feet when CARSON resumed his seat, hotly denounced accusation as unworthy of his countryman.

House already began to show signs of satiety. Long intervals when benches were empty. COUSIN HUGH, speaking at favourable hour of six o'clock, failed to attract an audience to whom he might present his cheering forecast of an interval of six weeks spent in listening to speeches of Members below the Gangway, "poked up by the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to attack the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY." Benches crowded whilst CARSON and REDMOND spoke. Filled up again when CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER in brief speech wound up debate on behalf of Government, and BONNER LAW, as usual unencumbered by notes, replied.

_Business done._--Demand for immediate dissolution negatived by 333 votes against 255. Opposition elate at reduced majority.

"I fancy," said PREMIER, smiling serenely upon the WINSOME WINSTON, "they would gladly suffer from our complaint."

_House of Lords, Thursday._--Noble Lords, having disposed of Address, already find themselves in condition of frozen-out gardeners who have no work to do. Session but a few days old has already afforded fresh sign of disposition to belittle hereditary Chamber.

It happened thus. On opening night Lord LONDONDERRY, making his way along Peers' Gallery in Commons, came upon extraordinary sight. A stranger on front seat overlooking sacred quarter allotted to Peers, finding himself incommoded by hat and overcoat, neatly folded up the latter, dropped it on the Peers' bench beneath and carefully placed his hat upon it. Hadn't LLOYD GEORGE demonstrated that the land belonged to the people? Here was undeveloped space. As a free man he claimed it for his own uses.

LONDONDERRY, halting, angrily regarded the incumbrance. Turned about with evident intention of calling attendant's notice to unparalleled liberty. At that moment his eye fell on the countenance of the stranger. Could it be? Yes; it was the school proprietor whose patriotic offer of aid to Ulster in approaching civil war he had a few days earlier reported to an admiring nation. Letter offered to provide for two sons of any Ulster volunteer who fell in battle with the myrmidons of an iniquitous Ministry. As sometimes happens, pearl of the letter was hidden in the postscript. Writer explained that he could not very well go to the war himself but would send his partner.