Chapter 2

"Do think, Samuel," I interrupted, "how much more splendid if you could be the only man who had seen Monte Carlo without going inside the rooms. And then when the hairdress--when your friends at the club ask if you've had any luck at the tables you just say coldly, 'What tables?'"

"Preferably in Latin," said Archie. "_Quae mensæ?_"

But it was obviously no good arguing with him. Besides, we were all keen enough to go.

"We needn't lose," said Myra. "We might win."

"Good idea," said Thomas. He lit his pipe and added, "Simpson was telling me about his system last night. At least, he was just beginning when I went to sleep." He applied another match to his pipe and went on, as if the idea had suddenly struck him, "Perhaps it was only his internal system he meant. I didn't wait."

"Samuel, you _are_ quite well inside, aren't you?"

"Quite, Myra. But I _have_ invented a sort of system for _roulette_, which we might----"

"There's only one system which is any good," pronounced Archie. "It's the system by which, when you've lost all your own money, you turn to the man next to you and say, 'Lend me a louis, dear old chap, till Christmas; I've forgotten my purse.'"

"No systems," said Dahlia. "Let's make a collection and put it all on one number and hope it will win."

Dahlia had obviously been reading novels about people who break the bank.

"It's as good a way of losing as any other," said Archie. "Let's do it for our first gamble, anyway. Simpson, as our host, shall put the money on. I, as his oldest friend, shall watch him to see that he does it. What's the number to be?"

We all thought hard for several moments.

"Samuel, what's your age?" asked Myra at last.

"Right off the board," said Thomas.

"You're not really more than thirty-six?" Myra whispered to him. "Tell me as a secret."

"Peter's nearly two," said Dahlia.

"Do you think you could nearly put our money on 'two'?" asked Archie.

"I once made seventeen," I said. "On that never-to-be-forgotten day when I went in first with Archie----"

"That settles it. Here's to the highest score of The Rabbits' wicket-keeper. To-morrow afternoon we put our money on seventeen. Simpson, you have between now and 3.30 to-morrow to perfect your French delivery of the magic word _dix-sept_."

I went to bed a proud but anxious man that night. It was _my_ famous score which had decided the figure that was to bring us fortune ... and yet ... and yet ...

Suppose eighteen turned up? The remorse, the bitterness! "If only," I should tell myself--"if only we had run three instead of two for that cut to square-leg!" Suppose it were sixteen! "Why, oh why," I should groan, "did I make the scorer put that bye down as a hit?" Suppose it wore thirty-four! But there my responsibility ended ... If it were going to be thirty-four, they should have used one of Archie's scores, and made a good job of it.

At 3.30 next day we were in the fatal building. I should like to pause here and describe my costume to you, which was a quiet grey in the best of taste, but Myra says that if I do this I must describe hers too, a feat beyond me. Sufficient that she looked dazzling, that as a party we were remarkably well-dressed, and that Simpson--murmuring "_dix-sept_" to himself at intervals--led the way through the rooms till he found a table to his liking.

"Aren't you excited?" whispered Myra to me.

"Frightfully," I said, and left my mouth well open.

I don't quite know what picture of the event Myra and I had conjured up in our minds, but I fancy it was one something like this. At the entrance into the rooms of such a large and obviously distinguished party there would be a slight sensation among the crowd, and way would be made for us at the most important table. It would then leak out that Chevalier Simpson--the tall poetical-looking gentleman in the middle, my dear--had brought with him no less a sum than thirty francs with which to break the bank, and that he proposed to do this in one daring _coup_. At this news the players at the other tables would hastily leave their winnings (or losings) and crowd round us. Chevalier Simpson, pale but controlled, would then place his money on seventeen--"_dix-sept_," he would say to the croupier to make it quite clear--and the ball would be spun. As it slowed down the tension in the crowd would increase. "_Mon Dieu_!" a woman would cry in a shrill voice; there, would be guttural exclamations from Germans; at the edge of the crowd strong men would swoon. At last a sudden shriek ... and the croupier's voice, trembling for the first time for thirty years, "_Dix-sept!_" Then gold and notes would be pushed at the Chevalier. He would stuff his pockets with them; he would fill his hat with them; we others, we would stuff our pockets too. The bank would send out for more money. There would be loud cheers from all the company (with the exception of one man, who had put five francs on sixteen and had shot himself) and we should be carried--that is to say, we four men--shoulder high to the door, while by the deserted table Myra and Dahlia clung to each other weeping tears of happiness ...

Something like that.

What happened was different. As far as I could follow, it was this. Over the heads of an enormous, badly-dressed and utterly indifferent crowd Simpson handed his thirty francs to the croupier.

"_Dix-sept_," he said.

The croupier with his rake pushed the money on to seventeen.

Another croupier with his rake pulled it off again ... and stuck to it.

The day's fun was over.

* * * * *

"What _did_ win?" asked Myra some minutes later, when the fact that we should never see our money again had been brought home to her.

"Zero," said Archie.

I sighed heavily.

"My usual score," I said, "not my highest."

A. A. M.

* * * * *

THE SUPER-STORES.

(_At a well-known Universal Emporium several Champions have been engaged to demonstrate the art of golf in the Games Department._)

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* * * * *

BALLAD OF THE WATCHFUL EYE.

["In this crisis the best we can do is to keep our eye on Mr. Asquith."--"_The Daily Chronicle's" report of Lord SAYE AND SELE at Worthing._]

O keep your eye on DAVID, The demigod of Wales, Before whose furious onset Dukes turn their timid tails; Whom Merioneth mystics Praise in delirious distichs, And matched with whose statistics MUNCHAUSEN'S glory pales.

O keep your eye on WINSTON, And mind you keep it tight, For nearly every Saturday You'll find he takes to flight; Now eloquent and thrilling, Now simply cheap and filling, And now bent on distilling The purest Party spite.

O keep your eye on HALDANE, Ex-Minister of War, The sleek and supple-minded And suave Lord Chancellor, Whose brain, so keen and subtle, Moves swifter than a shuttle, Obscuring, like the cuttle, Things that were plain before.

O keep your eye on MORLEY (Well-known as "Honest John"), The peccant paragrapher Who still is holding on; But, though his strange position Excited some suspicion, We've CURZON'S frank admission Of joy he hasn't gone.

O keep your eye on LULU Who Greater Britain sways From distant Woolloomooloo To Nova Scotia's bays; Whose sumptuous urbanity, Combined with well-groomed sanity And freedom from profanity, Stirs DAVID'S deep amaze.

O keep your eye on BIRRELL, So wholly free from guile, Conspicuous by his absence From Erin's peaceful isle; Who wakes from floor to rafter The House to heedless laughter, Careless of what comes after Can he but raise a smile.

O keep your eye on MASTERMAN, Dear DAVID'S henchman leal, Whose piety and "uplift" Make ribald Tories squeal; In every public function Displaying the conjunction Of perfect moral unction With perfect Party zeal.

Last, keep your eye on ASQUITH, And he will bring you through, No matter what his colleagues May say or think or do; For in the dirtiest weather He moulted not a feather, And safely kept together His variegated crow.

* * * * *

The Siamese Twin.

"DERBYSHIRE.--To sell, handsome well-built and superbly finished semi-detached Mouse, containing two entertaining, six bed rooms, dressing-room, and excellent bathroom."--_Advt. in "Manchester Guardian"._

We had no idea a mouse had so much accommodation.

* * * * *

"It was our intention before now to say a kindly word for 'The New Weekly.' We trust we are not too late yet."

_Westminster Gazette._

No. The paper after three weeks or so is still alive. But our green contemporary should have had more confidence in it.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

* * * * *

* * * * *

_House of Commons, Monday, March 30._--Stirring quarter of an hour. For dramatic surprise Drury Lane or Sadlers Wells in palmiest days not in it with T. R. Westminster. Doors open as usual at 2.45. In a few minutes there was standing room only. Appointed business of sitting Third Reading of Consolidated Fund Bill. Peculiarity of this measure is that through successive stages, each occupying a full sitting, no one even distantly alludes to its existence or provisions. Any other subject under the sun may, and is, talked around at length. To-day expected that opportunity would be seized by Opposition to make fresh attack on Government in respect of the Curragh affair and all it led to. Hence the crowded benches and prevalent expectation of a scrimmage.

A cloud of questions addressed to PRIME MINISTER answered with that directness and brevity that mark his share in the conversation. Questions on Paper disposed of, LEADER OF OPPOSITION asked whether Sir JOHN FRENCH and Sir SPENCER EWART had withdrawn their resignation? Answering in the negative, the PREMIER paid high tribute to the ability, loyalty and devotion to duty with which the gallant officers have served the Army and the State. He added, what was regarded as foregone conclusion, that SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR had thought it right to press his proffered resignation.

Here it seemed was end of statement. Members expected to see PREMIER resume his seat. He continued in the same level businesslike tone:--

"In the circumstances, after much consideration, with not a little reluctance, I have felt it my duty, for the time at any rate, to assume the office of Secretary of State for War."

There followed a moment of silence. Effect of announcement, unexpected, momentous, was stupefying. Then a cheer, strident, almost savage in its passion, burst from serried ranks of Ministerialists. One leaped up and waved a copy of Orders of the Day. In an instant all were on their feet wildly cheering.

Meanwhile the PREMIER, apparently impassive, stood silent at the Table. When storm exhausted itself he quietly added that in accordance with law he would forthwith retire from the House "until, if it pleases them, my constituents sanction my return."

Demonstration of personal esteem and political approval repeated when, a few moments later, he walked out behind SPEAKER'S Chair. Again the Liberals, now joined by Irish Nationalists, uprose, madly cheering.

Following upon this unprecedented scene, SEELY'S personal statement inevitably partook of character of anticlimax. Entering while Questions were going forward, he passed the Treasury bench, where he had no longer right to sit, and turned up the Gangway, to find every seat occupied. He stood for a moment irresolute. CUTHBERT WASON, who has permanently appropriated third corner seat above Gangway (and portion of one adjoining), courteously made room for the ex-Minister.

SEELY'S brief statement, dignified in its simplicity, unexceptional in its good taste, listened to by both sides with evident sympathy. During two years' administration of War Office affairs, he has by straightforwardness, urbanity, and display of perfect command of his subject, increased the personal popularity enjoyed whilst he was yet a private Member.

_Business done._--Resignation by Colonel SEELY of War Office portfolio announced. PRIME MINISTER takes it in personal charge.

_House of Lords, Tuesday._--During last two days noble Lords been delighted with little by-play provided by Lord CURZON. Yesterday, he by severe cross-examination extracted from Lord MORLEY admission of personal knowledge of what are known as the peccant paragraphs in document handed on behalf of War Office to General GOUGH.

What troubled CURZON was apprehension that such admission must necessarily be followed by resignation. Regretted this for dual reason. First, House would be deprived of presence of esteemed Viscount on Ministerial bench. Secondly, and to the generous mind this consideration even more poignant, the secession of a Minister so highly prized would in present circumstances strike heavy blow at Government. Might even lead to break up of Ministry, dissolution of Parliament, destruction of Home Rule and Welsh Church Bills.

Under cross-examination MORLEY, whilst making clean breast of his share in incident that led to resignation of WAR MINISTER, said never a word about possibility, or otherwise, of his own retirement. CURZON'S generous alarm deepened. Better know the worst if it were lurking in the background.

"How comes it," he asked, "if the Government felt compelled to withdraw these paragraphs, and if the SECRETARY FOR WAR resigned, that we still have the good fortune to see the noble Viscount in charge of the Government bench?"

"The latter point," said MORLEY, "will be answered more or less satisfactorily to-morrow."

CURZON went home in state of profound depression. MORLEY, regardless of the comfort, even the safety, of his colleagues in the Cabinet, evidently meant resignation. Came down to-day, his ingenuous countenance exhibiting signs of passage through an unrestful night.

"But," as he quaintly remarked to commiserating friend, "better have the tooth out at once."

Up again at first opportunity. Still harping on the Viscount.

"It is rather difficult to see," he remarked, "why, the SECRETARY FOR WAR having handed in his first resignation, we should still have been favoured with the continuance in office of the noble Viscount.... The upshot of the incident is that Colonel SEELY has gone, while I hope the noble Viscount is going to remain."

Appeal irresistible. In response MORLEY explained that had SEELY persisted in his first resignation his would have followed. When it came to SEELY'S second resignation he felt bound to remain.

Distinction subtle. Possibly it was effect of wrestling with it that made CURZON look less joyous than might have been expected, seeing he had realised his disinterested hope, and a second, even more damaging, secession from a stricken Cabinet had been averted.

_Business done._--In the Commons debate on Second Reading of Home Rule Bill resumed. Atmosphere significantly less stormy than heretofore.

_House of Commons, Thursday._--The MEMBER FOR SARK, in pursuance of his favourite axiom that there is nothing new under the sun, calls attention to two conversations in which he discovers singularly close parallel in tone and temper. The first will be found in official report of Parliamentary debate. It took place between LEADER OF OPPOSITION and FIRST LORD OF ADMIRALTY, the former insistent upon House being made acquainted with Sir ARTHUR PAGET'S report of what happened when he addressed officers under his command at Curragh on possibility of their being ordered to Ulster.

Here follows excerpt from official report:--

"_Mr. CHURCHILL._ The statement just made I make after having had an opportunity of communicating with Sir Arthur Paget. It is admitted that a misunderstanding on the point arose.

_Mr. BONAR LAW._ Rubbish.

_Mr. CHURCHILL._ Do I understand the right hon. gentleman to say 'rubbish'?

_Mr. BONAR LAW._ Yes."

The parallel that pleases SARK will be found in report of a conversation between _Mrs. Gamp_ and _Mrs. Betsey Prig_ at what should have been a friendly tea-table in the home of the former. This was the historic occasion when _Mrs. Prig_ declared her rooted belief in the non-existence of _Mrs. Gamp's_ friend _Mrs. Harris_. For purpose of comparison it may be convenient to put what followed in the same form as official Parliamentary report:--

_Mrs. Gamp._ What! you bago creetur, have I know'd Mrs. Harris five-and-thirty year, to be told at last that there ain't no sech a person livin'! Go along with you!

_Mrs. Prig._ I'm agoin', Ma'am, aint I?

_Mrs. Gamp._ You had better, Ma'am!

_Mrs. Prig._ Do you know who you're talking to, Ma'am?

_Mrs. Gamp._ Aperiently to Betsey Prig.

_Business done._--Third night's debate on Second Reading of Home Rule Bill. Intended to divide. On urgent demand of Opposition division deferred till Monday.

* * * * *

"Then came the resignation of Mr. Asquith, which left the Ministry (temporarily) without its head. Hence another vacant seal in the Government Front Bench."--_Globe._

To prevent self-consciousness among the Cabinet, the name of the Minister who looks like a vacant seal should be given.

* * * * *

"Mr. Bodkin, opening the case, described Hemmerde for the defence."

_North Eastern Daily Gazette._

It is generally towards the end of a case that one wants to describe the opposing counsel in detail.

* * * * *

PROOF

ADDRESSED TO A LADY WHO HAS ASKED FOR IT.

Of old, when in the dance's-whirl Or crouched behind a friendly screen I fell in love with any girl (You know the kind of love I mean), I gave the credit to champagne-- And breathed again.

When first we met, a more intense Emotion stirred me, I admit, But having dined at great expense I didn't like to mention it, For tribute seemed to Bacchus due As much as you.

But love that made a parish hop A sacred feast for both of us Burst into flame without a drop Of alcoholic stimulus; And love that thrives on lemonade Can never fade.

* * * * *

REVERSIBLE RHETORIC.

(_Being the unsigned MS., evidently of a leading article, picked up in Fleet Street last week. What the finder wants to know is--which side is it arguing for?_)

THE PLOT THAT FAILED.

Out of the welter of mendacity, evasions and intrigue, for a parallel to which the records of this or indeed of any civilised country might be searched in vain, one fact has at last emerged clear and indisputable. The nation will learn this morning, with what feelings it is only too easy to conjecture, that a great party, a party which, despite its many political blunders, has at least a record for honourable if mistaken statesmanship in the past, has now stooped to the final and abysmal folly. Disguise the fact with what specious rhetoric they may, the truth remains that our opponents have deliberately endeavoured to tamper with a great national possession, and to make the British Army a tool in the game of party.

Incredible, nay unthinkable, as such a situation would have been till lately, who is now to deny it? If any doubt still remained, surely the venomous outpourings of those journals which support and encourage the machinations of "honourable gentlemen"--alas that the phrase should henceforth have to be in quotation marks!--on the opposite side of the House must by now have dispelled it. Beaten to their last ditch, and discredited even in that, it is now evident that the conspirators had determined to stake all upon one final throw. Fortunately the very desperateness of the plot has proved its undoing, and from the tremulous lips of the perpetrators themselves comes to-day a froth of vituperation and rancorous abuse that is the surest confession of abject failure.

Happily, however, there is a brighter side to the picture; signs are not wanting--and each hour, we are sure, will strengthen them--that moderate men in the ranks of our opponents are beginning to share our own indignation and dismay. Let but this spirit find its outlet and victory is ours. We say it in no petty strain of party triumph, but the day of reckoning can obviously no longer be delayed. A gang of wholly reckless and unscrupulous political adventurers have sown the dragon's teeth in the wind; let the whole nation see to it that they are now forced to reap armed men in the whirlwind!

* * * * *

* * * * *

"Many a man whose courage would not respond to the spur of some huge burglar would die rather than be beaten by a wretched little collar stud."--_Times._

The only burglar we have ever met was (luckily) in the Infantry.

* * * * *

AT THE PLAY.

"THINGS WE'D LIKE TO KNOW."