Chapter 3

It was the Labour Members who effected the change. For first time in life of present Parliament they with united front took the lead at a grave national crisis, representing without bluster the vastness of the social and political force behind them. JOHN WARD in weighty speech brought down the real question from nights of personal animosity and party rancour. It was "whether the discipline of the Army is to be maintained; whether it is to continue to be a neutral force to assist the civil power; or whether in future the House of Commons, representing the people, is to submit its decisions for approval to a military junta.".

Warned party opposite that, the latter principle adopted, there will be no picking and choosing. The private soldier has his conscience as well as the commissioned officer. In cases of industrial dispute Tommy Atkins would find in speeches made to-day by noble Lords and hon. Members justification for refusal to shoot down members of his own class with whose position he had conscientious sympathy.

J. H. THOMAS, Organising Secretary of Amalgamated Society of Railway Servants, put this in briefer phrasing when he said, "General GOUGH may feel keenly the Ulster situation. Tommy Atkins will feel not less keenly the industrial situation." House listened in significant silence to illustration pointing the moral. In November next four hundred thousand railway men will come to grips with their employers. If they do not obtain satisfactory terms they may simultaneously strike.

"If," their Secretary added, "the doctrine laid down by the Opposition in respect to Ulster is sound it will be my duty to tell the railwaymen to prepare for the worst by organizing their forces, the half million capital possessed by the union to be used to provide arms and ammunition for them."

_Business done._--Ominous debate arising on Ulster question. Army Votes rushed through without discussion.

_Wednesday._--Sudden dramatic change in strained situation. Turned out that SEELY'S guarantee to General GOUGH, accepted as satisfactory and followed by withdrawal of that officer's resignation, had not been fully brought to knowledge of the Cabinet. Learning of its concluding paragraphs only when yesterday he read type-written, copy of White Paper published this morning, PREMIER sent for SECRETARY FOR WAR and repudiated them. SEELY, acknowledging his error, tendered his resignation. PREMIER declined to accept it. In view of all the circumstances he "thought it would be not only ungenerous but unjust to take such action."

This strange story, told in two chapters, the first contributed by WAR SECRETARY, the second by the PREMIER, listened to with strained attention by crowded House. There followed debate whose stormy course occasionally rose to heights exceeding those scaled on two preceding days.

Only once was there manifestation of general hearty assent. Forthcoming when the PREMIER warmly protested against "unfair and inconsiderate attempts, not made on one side only, to drag into the discussion the name of the KING."

"His Majesty," he added, amid burst of general cheering, "has from first to last observed every rule that comports with the dignity of the position of a constitutional sovereign."

_Business done._--Second Reading of Consolidated Fund Bill, on which debate arose, carried by 314 against 222. Majority, 92.

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* * * * *

CRUEL KINDNESS.

There was once a schoolboy who was caught fishing in forbidden waters. He knew that the penalty was a switching (old style), and his contemporaries were pleased to remind him of the fact. Five o'clock was the hour fixed for the interview. The boy was small for his age, but brainy. All day he studied how he might save his skin and disappoint his friends, and at 4.30 he repaired stealthily to his dormitory to make his plans. They consisted of a sheet of brown paper--all that remained, alas, of a home-made cake--two copies of _The Scout_ and a chest protector, which had been included in his outfit by a solicitious parent. By means of the fatal fishing line he attached the combined padding to his person, then, stiffly resuming his garments, knocked at the dread portal as the clock struck.

The Head glanced down over his spectacles. The boy stood strangely erect, and his face was brave though pale. A cane lay on the table. The master's eye was sterner than his heart. His hand reached for the cane, but he replaced it in a drawer, and for twenty minutes the listeners in the corridor vainly pricked their ears for the accustomed sounds.

"Well?" they inquired anxiously when the victim reappeared.

"He only jawed me," replied the small boy; and he wept.

* * * * *

An "agony" in _The Daily Graphic_:

"Maud darling, did you see my last massage?... Ada."

No, ADA, but she heard about it. Stick to it and you'll soon be down to twelve-stone-five again.

* * * * *

"In the Italian Chamber, on the 12th instant, there was only a majority of Bill. It is believed that the Giolitti Cabinet is tottering.--_Ostasiatischer Lloyd._"

_North China Herald._

Gulielmo's casting vote cannot save them every time.

* * * * *

"On his motor-trip he never met any cat travelling either without lights after dusk or on the wrong side of the road."

_Ceylon Observer._

Our dogs may well learn a lesson from this.

* * * * *

"The bride carried a large bouquet of Harum lilies."--_South Staffordshire Times._

This sort has two stalks, of course.

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* * * * *

THE ODD MAN.

Jones is a man who is too topsy-turvy; Nothing is quite as it should be with Jones, Angular just where he ought to be curvy, Padded with flesh where he ought to have bones.

Jones is a freak who attends to the labours, Small and domestic, that make up the home: Pays all the calls and leaves cards on the neighbours, Leaving his wife to be lazy at home.

Does up her dresses without saying, "Blow it"; Pays and forgets to say "Bother" or "Biff"; Asks her to scatter the money and go it, Beams at her bills when the totals are stiff.

As for his daughters, he gives them their chances, Rushes them round to reception and fête; Takes them himself to their concerts and dances; Always looks pleased when they want to stay late.

Then he has meals which would make you grow thinner, Often absorbing with infinite glee Sponge-cakes at breakfast and crumpets at dinner, Whitstable oysters at five o'clock tea.

Next he loves laughter: that is, to be laughed at-- Every way's right for the man to be rubbed; Grins when he's sneered at and jeered at and chaffed at; Wriggles with pleasure whenever he's snubbed.

Fiction, in short, in a million disguises Never created a crankier clod, More unaccountably made of surprises, More topsy-turvily fashioned and odd.

* * * * *

CARPET SALES.

(_In accordance with the current announcements of the leading West-End houses, and with no reference to Anglo-Russian diplomacy._)

Carpets of Persia fashioned on Orient looms-- Webs which the craftsman's hand with a patient cunning Wrought through the perfect marriage of warp and woof-- Such as were laid, I imagine, in Bahram's rooms Where (since their removal) the lion and lizard lie sunning, And the ass, according to OMAR, stamps his hoof-- Are selling off cheap, it is stated, for money down: _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_

Carpets of Persia! (None of your home-made stuffs!) After long years on the loom and infinite labour, Piled in bales on piratical Arab dhows At Bunder Abbas, and brought by a crew of roughs (Each looking more of a cut-throat rip than his neighbour) Down Ormuz Strait through a series of storms and rows-- Surely they ought to be bargains in London Town? _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_

Carpets of Persia! Though not, perhaps, one of the best, Like those which adorn the Victoria and Albert Museum, Yet, since you assert that you're selling authentic antiques, I'd like to have one which the foot of a Caliph has pressed, Or one where the wives of a Wazir (I fancy I see 'em) Were wont to recline, curled up in their shimmering breeks, Or one whereon foreheads were rubbed before mighty HAROUN-- _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_

* * * * *

A POLITICAL CORRESPONDENCE.

SIR,--It has been brought to my notice that at a meeting you addressed recently in your constituency you referred to me, and in the course of your remarks you said that I had employed in the House of Commons the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling." May I ask you for your authority for this statement? I can only hope that your reply will avoid any ambiguity, and for your further enlightenment I may inform you that I am annoyed.

I am sure I am acting as you would wish me to do in sending a copy of this letter to the Press.

Yours faithfully, N. Y. Z THOMSON-THOMSON.

A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.

SIR,--How like you to read an inaccurate report of my speech! The words I used--you will find them reported in _The Wastepaper Gazette_ for that week--were as follows: "We must then take these statements of Mr. Thomson-Thomson to be nothing but the blustering artifice of _a_ rhetorical hireling." You will, I am sure, appreciate the difference between the two versions. If you do not, I may add that I am prepared to endorse the opinion expressed in the accurate version and to raise the question in the House of Commons at an early opportunity.

I am sending a copy, of this letter to the Press, as your reply will doubtless be irrelevant.

Yours faithfully, A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.

N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.

SIR,--I have perused several reports of your speech, and with one exception they all agree that the word "the" was used and not the word "a." _The Wastepaper Gazette_, with which I think you are identified, is the only one which has printed your version of the speech, and I must therefore decline to accept your statement. Of course had the indefinite article been used it would have destroyed any ground for complaint. As you are attempting to evade the serious issue between us I can only conclude that your methods indicate the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling." Unless I hear from you to the contrary I shall always maintain this view.

I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.

Yours truly, N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.

A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.

SIR,--My Secretary was much pained at your last letter. He has informed me of its contents. I can only say that I am surprised that a statesman of your undoubted ability should exhibit such peculiar controversial methods.

The circumstances are not new. In 1911, in the House of Commons, I find that I formulated the same opinion of you in substantially the same words, yet no objection was then raised by you nor could any objection have been so raised.

Since your election your attitude on every question has been deplorable, and although I am of the opposite party I may say that in this view I am in no sense actuated by party feeling. This is a matter too serious for the bitterness of partisanship.

I repeat that in my opinion you have frequently employed the blustering artifice of a rhetorical hireling.

Unless I hear from you within half-an-hour I shall send a copy of this letter to the Press.

Yours faithfully, A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.

P.S.--Could you oblige me by letting me know who was the originator of the phrase?

N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.

SIR,--You have totally failed to substantiate the serious charges you made against me, and I am sorry, for the sweetness of political life, that you have not had the courage or the fairness to withdraw them.

I am glad that we have been able to conduct this correspondence on the courteous lines which have ever characterised our public careers.

I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.

Yours faithfully, N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.

P.S.--I do not know who was the author of the phrase. But I knew _you_ couldn't be.

A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.

SIR,--I have nothing to add to my last letter.

Yours truly, A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.

P.S.--I purpose sending a copy of this letter to the Press.

N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.

* * * * *

Some idea of last week's Parliamentary crisis may be gathered from the following poster:--

| CABINET | | SENDS FOR | | FRENCH | -------------

Our neighbours across the water were too busy with their own troubles to respond. Much better have sent for Germans. Their arrival might have pulled us together.

* * * * *

SHOP.

(_Spring Thoughts by One In Trade._)

When the new Spring is drawing near There always rises in my blood A keen desire to see the year Fresh opening in the bud.

From my tame task to wander free; For one brief day to get me gone To some sweet rural spot, and see How things are getting on.

So, when a rising glass invites, Off by the ready train I fare; How sweet are all the country sights, How fresh the country air!

Here every prospect has its charm; On every side I find a spell; There is a pleasure in a farm, And (almost) in the smell.

'Tis sweet to see the pretty lambs, To mark them as they frisk and jump, Or nestle round their anxious dams, So placid and so plump.

I hear the lark's ecstatic gush From his clear ambush in the sky; A blackbird (if it's not a thrush) Sings from a wood hard by.

I climb towards an open lea Whereon the goodly cattle browse, And oh, it does me good to see Such oxen and such cows.

And here and there an early calf Staggers about with weakling frame; It is a sight that makes me laugh; I feel so glad I came.

The orchard with its early pink (Cherry, I'm told) adorns the scene; While the horse-chestnut (as I think) Is well-nigh turning green.

So through the day I roam apart, And bless the happy dawn of Spring, Which thrills a butcher's homely heart With such sweet visiting.

But soon the light begins to fade, And I must quit these rural joys To labour at my daily trade Mid London's dust and noise.

Back to the buses and the trams, To think on Spring's recurring boon, Especially the calves and lambs: They will be ready soon.

DUM-DUM.

* * * * *

"Carpentier was getting to be a sorry sight at the finish. There was hardly anything to indicate that Jeannette had been in a 15-round glove-fight."--_Times._

"All this Carpentier stood well, and quick as lightning at long range cut the mulatto's face to bits."--_Morning Post._

We think our contemporaries are carrying their rivalry with each other too far.

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* * * * *

COUNTRY LIFE EXHIBITION.

INTERESTING PROGRAMME.

Arrangements have now been completed for holding at the Piscicultural Hall, Kensington, an exhibition, the aim of which is to impart instruction in the art of living in the country. Such assistance is of the highest value, since many persons otherwise capable enough are unable to manage rural ways at once or deal with even such ordinary difficulties as neighbours' visits, invitations to garden parties, dinners, &c., political confessions, the retention of servants, the lighting system, the Vicar's calls, and so forth.

HOW TO KEEP SERVANTS.

On this most difficult problem lectures will be given by a practised chatelaine. Various different makes of gramophones will be on view, with a list of tunes most acceptable to the servants'-hall. The maximum possible distance of the house from the nearest picture palace has been worked out from illuminating statistics. Useful hints about followers may also be gathered here.

CHURCH.

Not every one in the country goes to church, but none can escape acquaintance with the Vicar. Hints as to how to deal with him are freely offered, and a variety of excuses for non-attendance have been drawn, ranging from a headache to Quakerism. Also what to say when the Vicar meets you on Sunday morning with your clubs. A list of minimum subscriptions to all conceivable charities is on sale.

LIGHTING.

For country householders who are at present burning oil, but think they would like an illuminant made of petrol or acetylene, a lecture will be given by an expert, who will examine all the myriad plants on the market and offer his opinion as to the least unsatisfactory. Diagrams of gardeners' burns and other injuries in a failure to master the intricacies of the engine are a popular feature. Also phonograph records of what certain gardeners have said, in various dialects, when told to tackle the new light.

COUNTRY INN SECTION.

Everything necessary to the successful management of a country inn is on view here. Among the exhibits are a cup of coffee as prepared from coffee and a cup of coffee as served in a typical inn. By studying the two the inn-keeper may learn what is expected of him, and how to avoid the mistake of serving coffee in which any flavour of coffee persists.

POLITICS.

Here the settler in the country is on very delicate ground and in need of all his tact. As the exhibition lecturer will point out, he must, before avowing his own political creed, ascertain that of his landlord--particularly so if he has only a yearly tenancy. The chances are that the landlord is a Conservative. If the tenant is Conservative too, all is well; if the contrary--but we had better leave the details to the lecturer.

NAMES OF FLOWERS.

A well-known horticulturist has invented a system by which the names of flowers can be taught in the shortest possible time, especially as the flowers have been carefully selected to exclude all but the fashionable. After only two lessons the pupil is in a position to lead a visitor through the garden and casually and accurately enumerate every delphinium and climbing rose in it. Suitable adjectives to apply to flowers are also provided.

DOGS.

Models of the two chief different types of country house--those which the dogs may enter as they will, and those from which the dogs are excluded--are on view.

WHERE TO LIVE.

A lecturer who knows every inch of the country within a forty-mile radius of London will discourse at intervals on the respective merits of each popular district. A list of the principal residents in each will be available, together with a computation of the chances of a newcomer being called on by any ladies with a title. In order to make this department really efficient the intending new resident must of course give true particulars as to his or her social history. Districts where new residents who have been in trade, always excepting wine and the motor industry, are not called on, are carefully marked on a special Social map.

TAXIS.

A map of England, coloured to show where the tariff is 8_d._ a mile, 9_d._ a mile, 10_d._ a mile, and 1_s._ a mile, has been prepared.

RAILWAYS.

A careful examination of the railways out of London has been made, with full particulars as to the speed of their trains, punctuality, cleanliness, warmth, week-end tickets and so forth. Also hints for doing the company by old hands. Also character sketches of the station-masters at all likely stations.

AEROPLANES.

In order that accidents due to falling airmen may be guarded against, a map has been designed for sale in the hall, showing those parts of the country over which flights are most common.

* * * * *

OLD CHINA.

Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo, Let her do just what she wanted to do; Made her processions with peacocky banners In the most regal and lavish of manners.

Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo, Was a magician who lived at Foo-choo. Now if you possess a magician of cunning Nothing you want should be out of the running.

Little Wun-lee had all sorts of things-- Fly-away carpets and vanishing-rings, Djinn as her footmen, and gem-spraying fountains, And lovely snow-leopards from ghost-haunted mountains.

Little Wun-lee, combing her hair, Saw a blue butterfly float through the air-- Saw a blue butterfly flicker and settle On an azalea's rosy pink petal.

Little Wun-lee said: "By the MINGS, _That_ for your fly-away carpets and rings! Peacocks and palanquins? Powers and dominions? I'll have a pair of blue butterfly's pinions!"

"Little Wun-lee," answered Nang Poo, "That's the one trick no magician can do; Never did wizard of land, air or water Magic blue wings on a little white daughter."

Little Wun-lee, dainty and dear, Cried for a day and a week and a year-- Cried till she died of a Thwarted Ambition, And nobody cared but Nang-Poo, the magician.

Little Wun-lee, little Wun-lee, He buried her 'neath the azalea tree; And the burnished blue butterflies flicker and hover, And the rosy pink petals fall lightly above her.

* * * * *

A Bloodthirsty Critic.

_The Nation_ on _Saint Augustin_, by LOUIS BERTRAND:

"The student of Church history will do well to take Dr. Bertrand's Life."

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)