Part 3

GOOSE AND GANDER.--A sapient Somebody (or Nobody) modestly proposes that, in taking a poll for a Free Library, everybody who does not take the trouble to register his vote at all shall be counted as if he had voted _against_ the proposal! Well, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Suppose that all who don't take the trouble to vote should be counted as voting _for_ the proposal. There's at least as much to be said for that as for the opposite plan.

* * * * *

ROUNDABOUT READINGS.

Ostend must be a glorious place. From an advertisement which has appeared in an evening contemporary I gather that "the multitude, anxious to spend an elegant and fashionable sojourn in the country, has rendered itself this year at Ostend. It is a long time since such an opulent clientèle has been united in a seaside resort. At the fall of day the vast terraces of the fashionable restaurants, situated along the sea-bank, present a fairy aspect. There is quite a confusion of dazzling costumes upon which sparkle thousand gems, and all this handsome cosmopolitan society passes through the saloons of the Kursaal Club, in which one hears spoken all known languages as at Babel and Monte Carlo, and of which the attractions are identical to those of the latter place." This is the first time I have heard of a similarity to Babel being mentioned as an attraction. But no doubt an opulent clientèle has peculiar tastes of its own, especially when its dazzling costumes sparkle with thousand gems.

* * * * *

In a small Belgian town (naturally not Ostend) I once saw the following notice hung over the door of a washerwoman's establishment:--

Anglish linge tooke here from 1 sou Shert, cols, soaks, sleep-shert, pokets. I eet my hatt.

The last sentence puzzled me for a long time. Finally I came to the conclusion that it was not intended so much to be a statement of actual fact as an enticement to English people, who would of course take all their washing to a lady commanding so gay and accurate a knowledge of an English catch-phrase.

* * * * *

My third example of English as she is spoke is from a notice issued by an out-of-the-way hotel in Italy, which had changed its management:--

The nobles and noblesses traveller are beg to tell that the direction of this splendid hotel have bettered himself. And the strangers will also find high comforting luxuries, hot cold water coffee bath and all things of perfect establishment and at prices fixed. Table d'hôte best of Italy France everywere. Onclean linens is quick wash and every journals is buy for readers. Beds hard or soaft at the taste of traveller. Soaps everywere plenty. Very cheaper than other hotel. No mosquits no parrot no rat.

* * * * *

And this (though the connection is not, at first sight, very clear) brings me to the Vicar of Sparkbrook. Only the other day he was presiding at a meeting held in aid of the funds of the Christ Church (Sparkbrook) Day Schools. Alluding to the importance of maintaining Church Schools, he said (I quote from a Birmingham paper) that "though he did not want to touch on politics, he must express his thankfulness that they had a Government in power which was favourable to Church Schools, and which was pledged to construct, and not to destruct." The Vicar's feeling for emphasis is admirable. The sentence gains immeasurably in force by the perversion "destruct." And we ought to be specially grateful to him for refraining from the other alternative. If he had said, as it was open for him to say, "which was pledged not to destroy, but to constroy," the effect would have been terrible.

* * * * *

I was staying at a London hotel a short time ago and had occasion to write a letter in the public reading-room. Sitting down to one of the writing-tables and opening the portfolio I found that a previous occupant had left in it an unfinished letter which, with all necessary apologies, I here transcribe in full:

MY DARLING HARRY,--I am fading like a flower deprived of its natural nourishment without you, my darling, my own little sniperpop----

Now what, in the name of Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON, can a "sniperpop" be?

* * * * *

How shall I name you? Darling, dove, Partridge (or any other bird) Are not the names I seek, my love; I want just one caressing word, One word which, whether old or new, Shall prove my depth of love for you.

Without it all my power is gone, Without my own I feebly fade: In vain I turn the lexicon, The word I want is not yet made. Must I entreat, to ease my pain, Divine Philology in vain?

Ah, little nowadays it boots To imitate primeval man; Our Aryan ancestors had roots With which to formulate their plan. They used them all--they had their fun-- And left us not a single one.

Yet, oh my HARRY, something tells Your own she may, she must succeed-- What's this? Yes, yes, ring out the bells; From grief's dark thunder-cloud I'm freed. No longer shall I droop or drop-- _Eureka_, "little Sniperpop."

* * * * *

In the _Newcastle Daily Journal_ I read that "for some time a certain amount of feeling has existed at Crawcrook on the question of horse-shoeing." This culminated in a challenge by JOSEPH DELAFIELD to GEORGE LATHAN, both these gentlemen being master blacksmiths. A match for £5 was soon made, "each man to shoe the foot of a draught-horse in the quickest and best style." Here there must be some mistake, since if each man did the job in the quickest and best style, the result obviously must be a dead heat. However "the match commenced on Saturday morning at the shop of LATHAN. After LATHAN finished his work, which occupied forty-three minutes, the horse was driven to the shop of DELAFIELD, who occupied forty-one minutes in the operation. Large crowds were on the spot to witness the match. Mr. JOHN CHAPMAN of Whittonstall, the judge, gave his decision in favour of LATHAN."

* * * * *

There is something very sporting and attractive about all this. One man wins the match, the other can console himself by the reflection that he had two minutes the better of it on time. There seems to have been no grumbling, and (although the fact is not stated) I have no doubt the parties met at an enthusiastic dinner in the evening and toasted the good old English sport of horse-shoeing. The authorities at Oxford and Cambridge might do worse than institute a horse-shoeing competition between teams of undergraduates, who would of course strike blue nails into blue shoes with blue hammers. A "blazer" would be particularly appropriate to such a contest.

* * * * *

OUR FASHION LETTER.

(_Extracted from the "Poppleton Academy College Gazette."_)

DEAR THOMAS,--As September advances, the wave of fashion is once more filling our best academies, so that a few hints as to the latest _modes_ may well be of service to you. Have you seen the new double pocket? It is quite _chic_. It is constructed simply enough by making a large hole in the side-pockets of your coat, thereby you will find there is an useful space beneath the lining, in which such necessary trifles as a lump of toffee or a Jew's-harp can be comfortably disposed of. Buttons will not be much worn, especially as the term advances. It is rumoured that FORKER _major_ has gone into tails; and if this be true, probably others will follow his example before long.

My old friend RICHARD--a well-known connoisseur in such matters--strongly recommends the new confectioner's shop near the school. The Turkish Delight sold there is quite admirable, I am told, and a single bar of the stick-jaw, if used carefully, will last for an entire day. Talking of shopping, I have been to the bookseller's lately. What a misfortune it is that the publishers do not issue Messrs. BOHN'S Classical Library at a lower price! The present one is almost prohibitive to those of us who wish to avoid a certain amount of drudgery, and to please our excellent pedagogues at the same time.

Have you heard rumours of a boom in marbles? Hitherto one has associated the game with the lower classes, but I understand that two Upper-Fifth gentlemen were seen to play it last week. If so, it will soon be widely popular. By the way, the report that JOHNSON _minor_ is seriously ill is absurd. The truth of the matter is, that this dashing sportsman had undertaken to eat thirty cracknels in ten minutes, without drink of any kind. The result--he lost by half a cracknel--was to cause him some temporary inconvenience, but he is now completely restored to health.

Here are two recipes, which, I think, you will like:--

1. _Bacon à la Dormitory._ Procure a piece of bacon, and cut it into strips. Impale these, one at a time, on a penholder, and frizzle them slowly over the dormitory gas. (Care should be taken that the tutor is out, as the fragrance caused by the bacon is considerable.) When sufficiently done, chop up with penknives, and serve hot. Condensed milk should be drunk with this dish.

2. _Marrons à la Poppleton._ Place some chestnuts between the bars of the fireplace. Do not break the skins. Presently the roasted nuts will fly into the room with a loud report, and much amusement will be caused if they happen to hit anybody on the face. They may then be picked up and eaten. Sherbet is an appropriate drink with which to accompany them.

Yours ever, WILLIAM.