Part 1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 109.

SEPTEMBER 21, 1895.

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THE END OF GEORGIE'S AND JACKY'S HOLIDAYS.

(_A Second Extract from the Note-Book of Mr. Barlow the Younger._)

Now that the summer vacation is drawing rapidly to a close, it may be as well to record the end of the holidays of my two interesting charges, GEORGIE and JACKY. Some little time since I wrote the story of one of their exploits. The two lads do not live a very eventful life even in their hours of recreation. During the mid-annual recess I usually choose some delightful spot for our temporary home, combining the joint charms of change of scene and increased economy. The fashionable watering-place of Drainville-on-Sea has a suburb in which apartments may be obtained at a very reasonable figure. The reason for this lowness of price is no doubt to be traced to the fact that many of the residences are in the habitation of the superfluous live stock of a very prosperous pork merchant, having his house of business in the neighbourhood. However, in spite of our distance from Drainville-on-Sea, my lads have been fairly contented with their lot. They have been able to fish, to climb trees, and to take long walks.

"Revered Sir," said, on one occasion, GEORGIE, who is generally accepted as the spendthrift of my brace of students, "it would give great pleasure to JACKY if you were kindly to give me a shilling with which to purchase Japanese caramel cannon-balls. I have reasons for believing that his medical attendant, Dr. COFFYN BLOCKHEAD, considers that this delicious sweetstuff, or, I should say, pleasing physic, would be of much benefit to him."

"Why is the lad ill?" I asked, with an anxiety tempered with incredulity.

"No, revered Sir," promptly replied GEORGIE; "and I fancy that Dr. COFFYN BLOCKHEAD regards the composition, which may be obtained at a penny the ounce, or two ounces for three halfpence, rather as a preventative than a curative. Were JACKY to have a shilling's-worth, he would not only possess enough to ward off the shaft of the destroyer himself, but would be able to give me a sufficient quantity to parry the insidious dart of disease; and that you might be satisfied that the money was expended in the life-protecting compound in question, _I_ would willingly undertake to make the purchase."

Here JACKY protested that he was quite old and conscientious enough to be trusted with the cash himself.

"Not that I have any doubt of my respected comrade's probity," he quickly added; "but in matters of business one cannot be too careful."

"My dear pupils," said I, "nothing would give me greater pleasure than to accede to your request, had I the means at hand. I fancy, in spite of the opinion of Dr. COFFYN BLOCKHEAD--a physician whose name I now hear for the first time--that I should have to consider the cost of Japanese caramel cannon-balls as an incident properly chargeable to pocket-money. Unfortunately you both exhausted that fund a fortnight since, by causing me to defray the expenses of a donkey ride, which mounted up in the aggregate to no less an amount than one shilling and eightpence halfpenny."

"But surely, revered Sir," suggested GEORGIE, who has a bent for mathematics; "as our parents allow us half-a-sovereign a week each for the purposes of recreation, the sum you mention, although not inconsiderable, would scarcely have----"

"Stop!" I cried, with some show of severity; "you really must not argue with me. I do not give you all your ten shillings a week, as I am reserving a portion of them to form the nucleus of an old-age pension to which you will become entitled on reaching eighty. The scheme is not without complications, so I reserve its description in detail until you are both old enough to understand it. Enough to say that I must repeat the present advance of a shilling is impossible."

After this rebuff the lads were silent, and I regret to say not altogether contented. However, they soon, with the elasticity of youth, regained their spirits, and were as merry and as happy as ever. They absented themselves from my society more frequently than before, and when I saw them, seemed to be unusually prosperous, or to use an expressive colloquialism, "flush of money." GEORGIE continually appeared in gigantic collars that could have only been acquired at considerable expense, and JACKY as often carried a new walking-stick with a fairly costly handle. On one occasion they came home with a gift for me. It was a mug with a rough sketch of a mule or some less noble animal on the side balancing the handle, and was labelled "A Present from Drainville-on-Sea." I was gratified, but my satisfaction savoured of curiosity.

During the absence of my pupils I frequently visited the neighbouring watering-place. Amongst the many distractions of the sands was one "entertainment" which caused me considerable embarrassment. Two "mysterious minstrels" disguised in wideawakes, blue spectacles, and comforters occasionally made what is known as a "dead set" at me. These vocalists (who were small, but noisy), did a roaring trade amongst the excursionists. They seemed to have a long _répertoire_ of songs. They vocally narrated the adventures of a young person from the country, who seemingly, with a view to enjoying the restorative effects of sea-bathing, appeared with "her hair hanging down her back," and the vagaries of a body of revellers who preferred to parade the streets "nine in a row," instead of in couples or singly, when they were in a condition subsequently recognised by the presiding magistrate with a fine of five shillings. These ditties were not altogether unamusing, and I might have enjoyed them had they not been supplemented by a song dealing personally with myself. This last effort was mere doggerel, but it was so insulting that I was forced to give the vocalists into custody. I explained that the lines were calculated to cause a breach of the peace, and the local policeman removed the singers to the station-house.

This last adventure caused me some annoyance, and I returned to my suburban lodgings in the hope that in the cheerful conversation of my charges I might forget my chagrin. Neither GEORGIE nor JACKY were at home. The hours of dinner, tea, and supper passed, and they still put in no appearance. This caused me considerable surprise, as, although not very regular in their habits, they were accustomed to pay attention to the fixtures of meal time. Late in the evening, a police constable called, and explained to me that two boys had sent for me, as a householder, to bail them out.

The remainder of my narrative is clouded with pain. I would willingly stop at this point. But, with a view to completeness, I continue. On reaching the police-station, I learned to my indignation that the "mysterious minstrels" and my charges had the same identity. This discovery will ever be a cause of deep regret to myself, and, I think I may add, for very practical and sufficient reasons, to GEORGIE and JACKY also.

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* * * * *

A DIALOGUE OF THE NIGHT.

SCENE--_The Shades at Nightfall. The Swiftian Ladies alone._

_Lady Smart._ Well, ladies; now let us have a cup of discourse to ourselves.

_Lady Answerall._ Tea and tattle! That is all the men used to think us fit for.

_Lady Sparkish._ But how times have changed--above stairs!

_Lady Smart._ Fie! Say rather _below_ stairs, Lady SPARKISH. Up and down are arbitrary or relative terms after all, in the universe. And I'm sure there are no fine drawing-room manners in the modern modish world.

_Miss Notable._ Heigho! Methinks, nevertheless, I would fain take the air of a London Season once again, however fallen off from the dear dead days of Mr. SPECTATOR.

_Lady Answerall._ Hush, child! What would Charon say if he heard you? Though in truth I am much of your mind myself.

_Lady Sparkish._ Better their vivid vulgarity than our vapid gentility!

_Miss Notable._ La, yes! Our vaporous "fine manners" give me the vapours.

_Lady Smart._ They do not have "vapours" now, above--well t'other side the Styx, let us say.

_Lady Answerall._ Indeed, no, nothing so simple and womanly, i' faith. _They_ have substituted neurotic pessimism--and chloral.

_Lady Smart._ Worse far than our occasional sly sippings of--strong waters!

_Lady Answerall._ What said the dear satiric Dean?

"Now all alone poor madam sits In vapours and hysteric fits; A dreadful interval of spleen How shall we pass the time between? Here, BETTY, let me take my drops, And feel my pulse, I know it stops; This head of mine, lord, how it swims And such a pain in all my limbs!"

_Miss Notable._ Whereas now it would be:--

"Now sad and sole poor madam lies, Insomnia holding wide her eyes: 'Past ten, and not a single wink. Though I turned in at four, I think! If I don't get some hours of sleep, To-day's appointments can I keep? And 'tis the Prince's garden-party! Oh! to be buxom, hale, and hearty Like some mere milkmaid, who can drowse After a frolic and a bowse, Upon a tumbled truss of hay! I _must_ have sleep. BETTY, I say, Bring me the cognac and the choral!' --You may supply the modern moral!"

_Lady Sparkish._ La, child, you are as much a blue-stocking as the modish she-scribblers of the century-end. _We_ used to leave all that sort of thing to Grub Street.

_Miss Notable._ Tilly-vally! Grub Street has been made genteel since the ladies took to haunting it. 'Tis now no shabby Alsatia, but a swell sanctuary. Faith, one o' these odd-cum-shortlies--as we used to say--I'll e'en write "The Journal of a Modern Lady" (in imitation of the Dean) up-to-date, for 1895, instead of 1728, to wit.

_Lady Smart._ Have a care, child! Already you simper like a furmety kettle, and slop over like an ill-made junket. Soon you'll be as smug and self-conscious as a new member of "The Souls," if you be not watchful.

_Miss Notable._ Well, but now the men are away, what really think you, _entre nous_, of the New Woman movement?

_Lady Answerall._ Why, that 'tis older than MARY WOOLSTONECROFT, and, in fact, originated about the time when EVE took the first bite at the first apple.

_Miss Notable._ Heigho! 'Tis fine to sit here in the Shades, and say so; but I own I should like well enough to ruffle it in new-fangled clubs and select coteries, to be the talk of the town as APHRA BEHN was, only in the irreproachable company of popular _savants_ and Bishops' sons; to see my niminy-piminy neuroticisms go into their tenth edition, have my anti-matrimonial mouthings discussed in monthly magazines and religious newspapers, and--have a free slap at the monster, Man, whose best voluntary treatment of us means, at bottom, nothing better than a golden cage and a silken gag.

_Lady Sparkish._ "Fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em!"--as the Dean said concerning Chief Justice WHITSHED'S coach-motto.

_Miss Notable._ Humph! Did he not also say, in dealing with _The Furniture of a Woman's Mind_--

"For conversation well endued She calls it witty to be rude"?

_Lady Sparkish._ What _do_ you mean, Miss?

_Miss Notable._ Ha! ha! ha! Not much. But, as Lady ANSWERALL used to say, when we had a dish of tea and tittle-tattle together in the sweet, solid, wicked, bewitching old modish days, "You know I'm old Tell-truth, and love to call a spade a spade."

_Lady Sparkish._ Oh, I see. As the dear old Dean also said--

"Say, foolish females, bold and blind, Say, by what fatal turn of mind, Are you on vices most severe Wherein yourselves have greatest share?"

[_Here arises a general criss-cross clatter of contradictions, and the gentlemen come in to join the ladies._

_Mr. Neverout_ (_quoting_)--

"Now voices over voices rise, While each to be the loudest vies; They contradict, affirm, dispute, No single tongue one moment mute; All mad to speak and none to hearken, They set the very lap-dog barking."

We were disputing, ladies, as to whether these lines were SWIFT'S or another's. Can _you_ settle the point?

_Miss Notable_ (_snappishly_). Oh, ask a policeman--or a New Woman!!!

* * * * *

OUR OWN TORRIST IN NORTH DEVON.

_On Torrs Walks, Ilfracombe._--"Here they come by twos and twos, In twos on Torrs they swarm." Quotation adapted. "Two" form a Company Limited on Torrs Walks. The third person present is "out of it." They tell me these couples are all honeymooners. Perhaps; but _if they are not, they ought to be_. That's all.

* * *

Maybe these duologues are only private rehearsals. Practice makes perfect. I have no special information on this mysterious subject.

* * *

_On the above-mentioned Honeymooners_--

"Marriages are made in heav'n," When begun in Northern Dev'n.

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A descriptive writer says, "In the Torrs Walks are to be found the most bracing spots in all Ilfracombe." From what I have accidentally observed, I should correct the above sentence thus:--"_In the Torrs Walks are to be found some of the most em-bracing spots in all Ilfracombe_."

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_Rara Avis in Torr-is._--Seldom are birds seen flying about, and still fewer hopping about, the Torrs. My jocose friend WILLY WAGSTAFF says "Birds only go 'hopping' in Kent." Good-bye to W. W. Somehow, as a rule, the birds do not affect the Torrs. I fancy the twopence for entry is a prohibition. Once I saw a lonely bird on the _penny_ path; but _that_ was a pigeon.

* * *

I have seen a whole flock of rooks cawing querulously--"quirring" would be a better descriptive participle--on and about the lower part of the precipitous, rocky Torrs; but never have I seen them perching on the highest point of the Torrs, which is as inaccessible to these birds at twopence as would be the aforesaid lower portion to the unwinged pedestrian even at a halfpenny; unless pedestrian should arrive at rookery by accidentally tumbling over from above, in which case it is much to be feared he would probably be "left till called for."

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One of the most interesting sights on the Torrs is the occasional appearance of a kindly gentleman, carrying a snow-white cockatoo, with a magnificent yellow crest, perfectly tame, and perched on his owner's wrist, just as the parrot used to perch on the wrist of our old friend _Robinson Crusoe_.

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The parrot, unchained, is a genuine "Bird of Freedom"; but he never misuses his liberty, nor abuses his privilege of speech, but, from time to time, he erects or lowers his crest, and expresses his approbation of things in general, or his disapprobation of anything in particular. A great companion this POLLY.

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_Recent Solar Discovery._--I picked it up on Torrs Walks. The sun was setting magnificently. Near me there stood, observing the effect, a young lady and a very old one. Quoth the former, "It is a grand sun, isn't it?" And the other replied, "It _is_ a grand-sun, indeed." Being evidently a grandmamma, she ought to know.

* * *

Not knowing anything about the political bias of the majority at Ilfracombe, I should say the voters must be chiefly Torr-ies.

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Of the steamers plying between Ilfracombe, Swansea, Bristol, and other neighbouring places, it cannot honestly be said that "they are no great shakes." If the Master of the Rolls possesses any nautical authority, it might be advantageously exercised in regard to some of these steamers.

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The rule for debarcation and embarcation (on the Swansea, Ilfracombe, &c., steamers) appears to be, "Insure the least amount of convenience to the greatest number possible." The inconvenience might be modified (to put it gently) were the following suggestions acted upon:--

1st. From Ilfracombe pier there should be four sets of stairs (or more) instead of two.

2nd. Make an upper and a lower deck to pier; the latter for shelter during rain and storm. Your hardy sea-dogs seem to be perfectly unaware of the existence of water descending from the clouds. With them the rain is "_in nubibus_."

3rd. There should be two steamers to any one place, one departing just a quarter of an hour before the other's arrival. Call them "Box" and "Cox"--as they both occupy the same harbour. Thus the pier would never be inconveniently, or dangerously, crowded by an outgoing and an incoming crowd at the same moment.

4th. _Bigger steamers._

5th. Greatly improved catering, on board, _absolutely necessary_. More hands to wait at table.

6th. Other improvements _essential_, but not necessary to mention here in detail.

* * *

On board an excursion steamer I would retain the musicians, especially the cornet; so many persons "come out for a blow" that the absence of this member of the orchestra would be seriously felt.

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_On board our steamer "The Brighton," to Tenby and back._--I think we must have had "the Something-ean minstrels," whose performance was so graphically described by DICKENS in _Pickwick_ as enlivening Mrs. LEO HUNTER'S garden party, when "three of them grunted and the fourth howled"; only that, on this occasion, there were about eight or ten of these minstrel boys from Cardiff, who, having left their Welsh harps behind them, sat in the centre of the upper deck, inflicting their delightful melodies on such of the passengers as were unable to get out of earshot without either going below, where it was "stuffy," or into the fore part of the vessel. When these Cambrian Choristers were not singing they indulged in a little rough and ready play with each others caps, a humorous proceeding that seemed to afford them almost as much pleasure as did the sound of their own voices, for the applause with which they greeted every specimen of their skill in vocalisation was touchingly unanimous. In this demonstration of mutual approbation I did not notice any passengers taking part.

* * *

Now suppose a party of amateur and comic musicians, a party of amateur choristers, and a Salvationist chorus all on board at the same time, and suppose that all these different parties had commenced simultaneously, each party giving its special form of entertainment, would life be worth living on board that steamer? Surely the captain, or the company, could put up a notice that only the paid professional musicians would be allowed to play and sing on board, and so stop this Excursionist Babel.

* * *

Advice to passengers by steamboat proposing to land at Lundy Island--_Don't_. Lundy is a most interesting island, though it doesn't look it. _Further Advice._--Stay on board and read all about Lundy Island in your Murray's guide, and, probably, you will then have acquired far more knowledge of the place than is ever obtained by the majority who are permitted and even encouraged to crowd the rowing boats plying between the steamer and the shore. I, _moi qui parle_, saw the men bailing the water out of these boats as they returned from shore; saw the men and women jammed up together trying to keep at least their ankles dry; and if there had only been some playful 'Arries among the lot, just a lurch to one side, or the other, would at least have shipped enough water to have drenched them up to the knees, and then one frightened person might in terror have capsized the boat. I do not know who regulates these matters, I only describe what I saw with my own eyes and what struck me as being decidedly perilous. Is it impossible to build out a pier at Lundy Island? If impossible, cannot some regulation as to the number every boat is to carry be enforced?[A]

[Footnote A: Since writing this Your Own Torrist is glad to find his remarks anticipated by the _Western Daily Press_ (Bristol, September 6), which hints at improvements about to be made in the landing of passengers both at Lynmouth and at the Mumbles. Let the condition of things be bettered also at Lundy and at Ilfracombe.]

* * *

The perfumes of Ilfracombe (I think I saw the "Perfume d'Ilfracombe" advertised as sold in bottles at a local hairdresser's) are various at various times. Always on the Torrs is the perfume perfect. But in the lower part of the town they are select and peculiar; as thus:--Early morning, coming from bathing, and passing by hotels and boarding-houses, appetising perfume of eggs and bacon everywhere, with that of fried fish thrown in. The perfume in the road by the tennis courts, where the donkey chairs and cabs stand, is, as may be imagined, most delightful when all the flys and donkeys are there at midday, afternoon, and evening. And in the early morning the faint reminiscence of yesterday's donkey and cab-stand perfume is, it need hardly be said, most exhilarating and delightful to the unbreakfasted passer-by.

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New Version.

(_For the Nursery of the Future._)

There was a New Woman, and what do you think? She lived upon nothing but paper and ink, Though paper and ink formed her favourite diet, This noisy New Woman could never keep quiet!

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"CURRANT" RECORDS.--The Cunard steamer _Aleppo_, with a cargo of 1500 tons of currants on board, has succeeded in raisin' the record between Patras and Liverpool, having accomplished the voyage in 9 days 21-1/2 hours. This vessel has the honour of being the first in with the new currant crop, and, as a reward, she will be allowed "enhanced freights." 1500 tons of currants fully entitle her, we should say, to "take the cake."

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CABBY; OR, REMINISCENCES OF THE RANK AND THE ROAD.

(_By "Hansom Jack."_)

No. IV.--OFF DUTY--HARMONY--"HANSOM UP!"

Cabby off dooty's a clubable man. So--perfeck O K--says some pen-driving party. Why, certainly genelmen! Wot do _you_ think? There is few things like 'orses to make fellows 'earty. Your coachees, and carters, and costers, and such, not to name racing coves, are in general most chummy, And if doing London on wheels every day didn't make Cabbies feel in one swim, 'twould be rummy.

A flick o' the lash or a crook o' the elber may be all we've time for when meetin' or passin', But bless yer, we're all on the same job you see, and oarn't be _too_ pertikler in rankin' an' classin'. Dirty pertaters, of course, do abound, but we don't shove on side if a chap's a bit decent, And consequent clubs are a bit in our line, likeways free-and-easies. I've joined one quite recent.

Sing? Well, they do say I've a pipe like a blackbird, but that's tommy-rot, in a manner o' speakin', Wish I could touch my JIM CROW'S mornin' flute o'er a mealy and turf with my tenorish squeaking. Still, I'm in request when the 'armony's on, and I just do my level, along o' the others. I tell you there's talent among us sometimes, though the chippers nickname us the HULLABOO BROTHERS.

One smart "little mash," from out Pimlico way, known as "BARNEY THE BARD," or "B. B." or "THE BUSTER," Can write 'is own songs. You should just 'ear 'im tip us "_A Tanner a Mile_," or "_The Broom and the Duster_." CHEVALIER himself couldn't top 'im in patter. 'E's writ _me_ a song--me an' 'im being pally-- It's called "_Hansom Up!_" an' the first night I give it--with thanks to B. B.!--'twos a regular rally.