CHAPTER III.

And so the plot was discovered just in time. The nefarious BROWN had kidnapped the Professor on his way to the hall, had stolen his robes, and disguised himself so as to play the part of the examiner himself. Another minute, and his wicked plan would have succeeded, AMARYLLIS'S papers would have been burnt, and she and STREPHON would have been separated for ever. Thanks to the latter's courageous action, the impostor had been detected, and was subsequently sentenced to several years' imprisonment.

When the real Professor had been liberated and came to look over AMARYLLIS'S work, a slight difficulty arose. The law insisted that one who had answered with such perfect correctness must marry a peer, while STREPHON was but a humble commoner. However, a grateful nation rescued him from this dilemma by awarding him a dukedom.

* * * * *

A TRIO.

[AIR--"_Three Blind Mice._"]

Three new peers! Good ev'ry one! A. BORTHWICK, PLUNKET, H. DE WUMS, Are all conserva_tive_ly chums, We hail with cheers in our col-_lums_ The Three New Peers!

* * * * *

QUERY FROM A CORRESPONDENT.--Please, Sir, can you tell me where I can obtain a work entitled "_Balmy on the Crumpet_"? I have heard it frequently mentioned, but up to now have searched the lists at the British Museum and (with the exception of the works of one "_Balmez, a Theologian_,") all in vain. I presume the work in question is a treatise on some department of the baking industry. Is there also another work entitled _Balmy on the Muffin?_ In fact, I should very much like to collect all the treatises of this author on bakery.--Yours, OLD ROWLEY.

* * * * *

"OVER!"--At last "GRACE before wicket" has received his five thousand pounds' worth of shilling testimonials, and has returned thanks to the indefatigable Sir EDWARD LAWSON, who initiated and carried out the idea in the _Daily Telegraph_. Your health, Dr. GRACE, and song, which of course would be "_Sing O the Green Willow!_" And his motto, "_There's nothing like leather!_" Will the celebrated batsman give a ball to celebrate the occasion?

* * * * *

ROUNDABOUT READINGS.

A strange report reaches me, a rumour which (if such a course may be predicated of a mere report) opens up illimitable vistas. The dramatic critics, it would appear, have been for some time past in a state of dissatisfaction. A newspaper proprietor has been turned into a peer; editors in profusion have journeyed down to Windsor as very plain misters, and, having been tapped upon the shoulder with cold steel, have returned to the bosoms of their families as knights; a novelist, a mere teller of stories, has undergone the same process, not, it is well understood, for his own glory, but for the greater honour of Literature (capital L please); and, worst of all, an actor has survived the blood-curdling ceremony of the _accolade_, and has received the congratulations and gifts of other members of his profession.

* * *

_Quæ cum ita sint_, the dramatic critics have been very naturally asking one another why they alone should toil and moil (the "midnight oil" irresistibly suggests itself as a pleasing and perfectly appropriate rhyme) without any recognition beyond the vulgar one of a money-payment, sufficient, no doubt, to keep them in bread and beer, ties, clothes, collars, and cuffs, but utterly inadequate when considered as a reward for the services they perform on behalf of Art and the Drama. One thing led to another (it generally does); there were conversations, interchanges of ideas, meetings, and so forth; and eventually matters came to a head in the formation of a society, the members of which pledged themselves to promote by all legitimate means the claims of dramatic critics to knighthoods, baronetcies, privy-councillorships, peerages, and other rewards.

* * *

The final meeting, at which the rules were discussed and passed, and the officials appointed, began harmoniously enough. Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT, proposed by Mr. ARCHER, and seconded by Mr. A. B. WALKLEY, was unanimously voted to the Chair. His opening speech was marked by great fervour. For years, he said, dramatic critics had been engaged in the thankless task of educating the public taste, and of instructing dramatic authors in the true principles of the construction of stage-plays. At last, thank heaven, they were beginning to be appreciated at their proper value. Their names were becoming household words. The average reader, when he opened his _World_, turned first to the article signed "W. A." The same, or a similar person, rushed breathlessly through _The Speaker_ until he was arrested by the magic initials "A. B. W." At this point Mr. ARCHER intervened with the remark that for himself, he might say there was only one article, the dramatic, in the _Daily Telegraph_ that absolutely fascinated him; and Mr. WALKLEY, rising immediately afterwards, observed that, having studied the essays of M. LEMAÎTRE, he had no hesitation in saying that the pungent critiques of the _Telegraph_ were equalled, he would not say surpassed, by the masterly _aperçus_ of stage-craft to be found in _Truth_ and the _Illustrated London News_. Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT was visibly affected, and having with difficulty mastered his emotion, proceeded to shake both his colleagues by the hand, and in a voice broken with sobs thanked them for their tributes. He himself, he added, had endeavoured to make the stalls and the dress circle fit places for the flower of English maidenhood, for those beautiful, blushing British girls who were at once the joy of their families and the pride of our race. He then called upon all the members present to state what titles they preferred, intimating that, by the express desire of the committee, he himself was willing to become a Duke.

* * *

Mr. ARCHER and Mr. WALKLEY having declared their preference for Marquisates, Mr. MOY THOMAS said that an Earldom would satisfy his modest needs. Mr. BENDALL thought Viscount sounded attractive, and chose that title; while Mr. A. E. T. WATSON intimated that all he wanted was to be a Baron--Baron BADMINTON OF BEAUFORT. Mr. BERNARD SHAW stood by his life-long principles, and declined everything except a Privy-Councillorship. Various other gentlemen having spoken, and a complete list of titles having been arranged, the meeting was about to adjourn, when Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT rose again to make a few parting observations.

* * *

"My Lords," he began amidst deafening applause, "it only remains for me to state briefly the principles by which we shall be guided. We shall not truckle to the nauseating rubbish purveyed by any Norwegian charlatan." What else he would have said must for ever remain a matter of guess-work, for at this point he was immediately set upon by Lord ARCHER, and torn forcibly from his chair. Baron BADMINTON, however, gallantly came to His Grace's assistance, and a scene of indescribable confusion ensued. Strawberry leaves were torn to tatters, and several handsome property coronets were ruthlessly trampled under foot. Order was, however, at last restored by the arrival of Sir HENRY IRVING with a strong force of dramatic authors armed with problem-plays. In the conflict that followed many heads were broken, but eventually the hall was cleared. It is understood that, notwithstanding this deplorable incident, the agitation is to be vigorously pursued. I shall publish any further information that may reach me.

* * * * *

SIR E. CLARKE AND THE BAR--AN EXPLANATION.

SIR,--The paper you edit with so much advantage to the public is the recognised organ of the legal profession. This being so, I appeal to you on behalf of the Bar. Sir, it will not have escaped your attention that on a recent occasion Sir EDWARD CLARKE, in returning thanks for his colleagues of the Law List, referred to the custom observed by some counsel of accepting briefs indiscriminately. The ex-Solicitor-General (shortly, I trust, to become "Mr. Attorney",) related an anecdote concerning the last of the Barons--Mr. Baron HUDDLESTONE--to the following effect. You will remember that Sir EDWARD, when only a stuff-gownsman, was "with" the eminent Bencher of Gray's Inn in a case. "I trust, Mr. CLARKE," said the coming Baron's assistant to the then promising Junior, "that you will be able to attend to it if Mr. HUDDLESTONE fails to put in an appearance." "I suppose," replied the future Sir EDWARD, "that Mr. HUDDLESTONE is not coming." "Well, he _may_ be away," was the reply, "because to-day he has briefs in thirteen other actions." Then Sir EDWARD wittily explained that the fault lay with the public. Suitors could select their own advocates, and there were plenty of men practising at the Bar who would gladly accept a brief, for a very moderate fee, should the services of a better-known colleague be retained in some other matter. Mr. ex-Solicitor is perfectly right. There are such men. For instance, I myself, should Sir EDWARD wish it, would willingly assist him. If he has an overflow of pink-tape tied parcels, let him send them to me, and I will give them my best attention. I shall be delighted to pick up, so to speak, the documentary crumbs that fall from his brief-encumbered table. But that is a matter which chiefly concerns Sir EDWARD and myself. It is not entirely with a view to making the above suggestion that I address you. No, Sir, I have other than personal interests at heart.

I am convinced that, although every counsel has the right to be "retained" in every case, but a comparative few exercise the privilege. I have known the late Serjeant PARRY (with whom I have had the honour to act--while taking a note in the temporary absence of a learned friend--on more than one occasion) return his brief, with its accompanying honorarium, when unable to attend to the former, and thus earn the latter. Speaking for myself, I made it a rule, shortly after I was called, never to "devil" in two places at once. But to come to the point. As a matter of fact--and a grain of true testimony is better than a ton of theory--I can deliberately declare that, during a long forensic experience, extending over several decades, I have never had two cases on the same day. And what has been my experience no doubt has been the experience of many others. I would not for worlds have it thought that I neglect my duty because I have a plethora of professional work. And here I must stop, as I have to give my most careful attention to a consent brief, which appears to me to bristle with technical difficulties. However, as I am desired to acquiesce, I shall no doubt carry out my client's instructions with the customary formalities.

_Pump-handle Court, Oct. 21._

(_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUN.

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HOW KIPPER SLEW THE NEW FOREST HORNET.