Part 3

The British earthquake has been sadly neglected. Therefore Mr. CHARLES DAVISON, M.A., F.G.S., of Birmingham, is writing a _History of the British Earthquakes of the Nineteenth Century_. With a view to add to the completeness of this work, he has appealed to the readers of the _Western Daily Mercury_ for "notices of British earthquakes, either past or future, of any kind and from any place whatever." He specially desires to become acquainted with earthquakes "of which descriptions appear in the local press, or entries are made in private diaries." All local papers should at once start a special earthquake column--"Earthquakes Day by Day," or "Yesterday's Earthquakes"--and writers of diaries would do well to dive into the past. There are so many remarkable phenomena not otherwise recorded. Here is one. "Dined with BROWN last night. Insisted on walking home, instead of taking BROWN'S advice and a cab. Had not gone far when strange thing happened. Pavement suddenly upheaved and hit me violent blow on forehead. Fell prostrate. Taken home in dazed condition by friendly policeman. No time to observe affect of earthquake on adjoining houses. Shock very short, but exceedingly severe. In bed all day. Large bruise on forehead. Headache, &c." There must be many interesting entries of this kind in diaries which will afford valuable material for Mr. DAVISON'S work. As to "notice of future earthquakes," which he requests, perhaps the Meteorological Office, the Geological Society and Zadkiel will kindly oblige with probable dates and other information.

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WIZARD AND WITTLES.--Long life to the Glasgow Sir Walter Scott Club! It "promotes the study of Sir WALTER'S life and writings, and encourages a more familiar acquaintance with the localities rendered classic by his pen." Ninety members set off the other day to Edinburgh, and drove in four-in-hands to the "beechy grove" at Melville Castle, the Esk and DRUMMOND'S Hawthornden, and then on to the castle and chapel at Roslin. Lunch at Dalkeith, dinner at the Balmoral Hotel at Edinburgh, and back rejoicing at eventide to Glasgy, "after the happiest and most successful excursion in the history of the club." This is the way to keep up the dignity of literature. Far better than knighthoods! An excursion "under the presidency of the genial Sheriff SPENS," too; no Sheriff SAVES _this_ time; and a dinner at the Balmoral to wind up--it's a Talisman to make the heart of Midlothian leap up!

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A MUSICAL TREAT. A PRONOUNCEMENT AND A HINT.--Herr NIKISCH'S performance is so brilliant, and has so much real fire in it, as to have given rise to the suggestion that, to express the _diablerie_ of his effects, both syllables of his name should be short, and that his style should be henceforward known as the "Old Nickish" manner. When the chance recurs, go and hear the symphony by TSCHAIKOWSKY. Only be prepared. To pronounce this name correctly you must take pungent snuff and sneeze violently while trying to utter the word "Whisky." Take care to have a medical man ready at hand; also a tailor, with needle, thread, and buttons.

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FROM the _South Wales Daily News_:--

As Groom, Coachman, or Groom-Gardener, plain; wife good Cook; or otherwise, if required. Good references.

"Or otherwise, if required," is delicious. She would be a bad cook or an indifferent one "if required." So convenient!

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Half-and-Half.

(_After Reading some recent Political Speeches._)

Although in the queer Party story There's many a turn, and many a twist; _'Tis_ strange to see JOSEPH half Tory, And SALISBURY half Socialist!

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, June 24._--Back to-day from the booming Baltic to wan Westminster. Given up the company of Kings and Queens which formed Don CURRIE'S daily fare; descended to level of Commons. And what a state of things to come back to! Left less than a fortnight ago, with House in almost comatose state. Even the Busy B's had ceased to hum. TANNER no longer disturbed at hour of midnight by poignant curiosity as to when the Dook would retire. SILOMIO, his head bandaged after latest buffeting by EDWARD GREY and SYDNEY BUXTON, temporarily silent. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS for awhile content with management of House by "my right hon. friend the CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER." In a moment, in the twinkling of ST. JOHN BRODRICK'S eye, crisis and chaos come. Ministry blown up with charge of cordite, surreptitiously brought in; concealed under Front Opposition Bench; fired in the dinner hour.

"Cordite?" said TOMLINSON. "What is this cordite they're all talking about? Thought it was something they made trousers of."

"No, no," said Private HANBURY, up in all military matters. "You're thinking of corduroy."

House crowded from furthest bench of side galleries to gangway steps on floor. A buzz of excitement completes fulness of chamber. Only two empty seats. These on front benches, where SQUIRE OF MALWOOD and PRINCE ARTHUR were wont to face each other. JOSEPH'S seat below gangway filled by COURTNEY, who, in honour of occasion, has put on a white waistcoat and a smile. Wears both throughout proceedings. A loud cheer welcomes arrival of PRINCE ARTHUR looking graver than usual. Three minutes later another rings forth, and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD enters with slow step and countenance set, suitable to the obsequies of an assassinated Ministry. JESSE COLLINGS comes in; startled by cheer from Irish Members.

"JOE'S not far off," said TIM HEALY, grimly. "In times like these sends JESSE on ahead, like the pilot-engine that goes before CZAR'S train. If there were any murderous plot on hand, by JUSTIN MCCARTHY or any other brigand, the blameless figure of JESSE would be blown into space, and JOSEPH would proceed on his journey with his hair unsinged."

On stroke of half-past three SQUIRE OF MALWOOD made formal announcement of familiar fact that Government had resigned; THE MARKISS had been sent for; Ministers kept their places only till their successors were appointed.

"I would ask leave to say," the SQUIRE, with unwonted tremor in his voice, observed, bringing to close his brief, business-like speech, "that for every man who has taken part in the noble conflict of Parliamentary life, the chiefest of all ambitions, whether in a majority or in a minority, must be to stand well with the House of Commons."

How in this respect the Leader of the House through two Sessions of peculiar difficulty stands with both tides, testified to by a ringing cheer, repeated when PRINCE ARTHUR, who always does these things well, voiced the common feeling as he recognised in the blushing SQUIRE "one of the greatest ornaments of this House."

"That's all very well, TOBY," said the SQUIRE, when I offered him my congratulations on deliverance from a situation long become intolerable. "You put it prettily. But I hope the experience of the last fortnight will be a lesson to you. You hadn't been gone a week and two days when the cordite bomb was exploded. Never forget what you must have learned in your nursery kennel:

When the dog's away, The rats will play."

All business set aside. All Bills dropped save Seal Fisheries. This Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, master of himself though Ministers fall, proceeds to discuss as calmly as if nothing had happened. Whilst other Members already have their eyes on their constituencies and their faces towards the door, TOMMY, buttonholing Time as it were with his hooked arm, leisurely discusses the close season for Seal Fishing.

_Business done._--The Government's.

_Tuesday._--House met again, expecting further particulars about the Ministerial crisis. Benches full, but not so crowded as yesterday. Again the SQUIRE, PRINCE ARTHUR, and JOSEPH absent. The two latter not expected. When they reappear they will sit side by side on Treasury Bench. But where was the SQUIRE?

Preliminary business finished. House waiting for next move. Must be made by SQUIRE. Where was he? Members tossed about on seats. All eyes strained towards space behind SPEAKER'S chair, whence Ministers approaching Treasury Bench emerge. Minutes passed; SQUIRE still tarried. Horrible rumour that cordite had done fresh stroke of work. FREDERICK MILNER said he distinctly heard sound of explosion in neighbourhood of room of Leader of House. Another report was that SQUIRE had been kidnapped, shipped off to distant colony by direction of new SECRETARY OF STATE. Whilst probability of these wild guesses balanced, SQUIRE entered, whole and hale. Had been waiting to hear from THE MARKISS. Nothing had come, so must adjourn.

_Business done._--House adjourned.

_Wednesday._--All settled: SQUIRE announces that MARKISS has undertaken to form new Ministry. Writs moved for elections to fill vacancies consequent on acceptance of office. Amongst them West Birmingham, JOSEPH having undertaken to care for the Colonies. Prospect of "Our JOE," as SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE affectionately calls him, sitting in Cabinet Council with THE MARKISS, strangely moves House. Irish Members in particular give vent to feelings in cries that forebode lively times for new Minister.

House lost crowded appearance of earlier days of week. Interest already transferred to constituencies. GORST among absentees. SARK looking for him everywhere. Been reading article in magazine where GORST writes:--"A lady resident in East London informed me that she once knew a man who was attending fourteen doctors at the same time. The man died."

SARK wants to know what was the matter with the doctors? Why the man was attending them? And whether this is cited as case of overwork, or of death resulting from infectious disease?

The worst of SARK is that his curiosity is almost feminine in its intensity.

_Business done._--Foundation stones of new Ministry laid.

_House of Lords, Thursday._--Quite a crowded House. THE MARKISS, not seen in his place since he became Prime Minister, now there faced by ROSEBERY. Large attendance and eager interest explained by attempt to purloin Seals of SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR. In dim and distant future this likely to rank with the Diamond Necklace Affair. SARK, who has been reading Radical newspapers on incident, tells me all about it.

As soon as Vote of Censure passed on CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, MARKISS became possessed of uncontrollable passion for instant possession of his seals of office. How was it to be done? CAWMELL a Scotchman; not easy to get loose property out of his grip. MARKISS, instinct with influences of spacious times of Queen ELIZABETH, not to be trifled with. Clapped his hands. Enter faithful henchman, one SCHOMBERG. A stoutly-built man of herculean strength, bowed legs, grizzled beard, short thick hair like hand-spikes standing up above pair of ears resembling nothing so much as Tower Bridge when, in opening, either flap stands out at angle of forty-five degrees. A certain piquancy given to his features by front tooth protruding like tusk of wild boar.

"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S Seals. His address is 6, Grosvenor Place, S.W. He comes home late, with a latch-key. Take twenty stout fellows, as like yourself as the country produces. Await his coming. Take the Seals. If he resists, a slit weasand will scarcely be noticed in a population of (according to the last census) 4,349,166. _But bring the Seals._"

That is SARK'S idea of the episode after reading the papers. THE MARKISS'S version differs in some details.

_Business done._--THE MARKISS, challenged by ROSEBERY, says new Ministry have no policy at present. However, since ROSEBERY seems anxious on point, will send over to WHITELEY'S and see what can be done.

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A DISCOVERY IN LIQUEURS.

SIR,--You remember _Mr. Squeers's_ system of theoretical and practical teaching, "'_W-i-n-d-e-r-s_.' Go and clean 'em"? Of course you do; and if the quotation is not letter perfect, it is its "spirit," which is more suited to my present theme, at all events. Well, Sir, "them's my principles." Accordingly, after reading your advice as to taking a Summer Sunday trip to Calais and back by _Calais-Doûvres_, or one of the large boats in L. C. and D. service, I acted upon it, and went. The _trajet_ was simply perfect! Such weather! Sea so calm! Breeze refreshing! Company distinguished! Commander WATTELBLED, and First Lieutenant CARINI, with all hands, waiting to give us (at a price as fair and moderate as the Channel breeze on this occasion) excellent refreshment. But to sing their praise is not my point; they do their duty, and pay it too, as we _voyageurs_ have to do, on cigars, teas, and tobacco. I had time to refer to hotel's list of wines and liqueurs, and among the latter there appeared a name which brought tears to the eyes of the wanderer far from his English home; and that name, Sir, coming after "Kümmel, and Marasquin, and Whisky," was "_Old Tom-Gim_"--"Tom Gi_m_" with an "m." How far superior to "Gin" with an "n." It brought to mind early days of catechism, "_M. or N., as the case may be_." This was a case of liqueurs. How preferable the soft liquid "_m_" to the less soft "_n_" in making "_Gin_" into "_Gim_"! And how much one would like to alter the spelling, and make it "_Old Tom Jim_." Would he not be seized upon by a French librettist as the very name, _par excellence_, for a typical Ancient English Mariner in an opera? Don't you see it? "_Capitaine_ John Smith; _First Mate_ Old Tom Jim" with song (nautical). _Vive_ Gim! Now, with my discovery, I regain the good ship, and, once aboard the lugger ... by the way, there is an eighteen-penny tax now levied by the French on those who land at Calais. "_Happy Thought._ Don't land." But, _Unhappy Thought_, if we don't land in the _pas-de-Calais_, the result will be _pas de déjeuner_. So--"bang goes sax-pence," for "We don't kill a pig every week."

Yours, THOMAS LE VIEUX.

P.S.--And another one-and-sixpence extra on landing at Dover! All the "fun of the fare," eh?

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Transcriber's Note

= = represents Old English font.

Page 12: 'Cawmel-Bannerman' corrected to 'Cawmell-Bannerman' (a.k.a. Campbell-Bannerman, Sir Henry (1836-1908), Scottish statesman, M.P.)

"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S Seals."

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