Part 3

Pray consider my verse, which, if learnt by heart pat, forms The best of all tips for political platforms. With a slight dash of MILL you may burden your speeches, You may tell the great tale of O'BRIEN, his breeches. On the one side you'll tear WILLIAM HARCOURT to tatters; He's out for a time, but I don't think it matters. Then, in talking of JOE, what will help very much is A delicate hint at a Duke or a Duchess; A suggestion that coats are the garments, if any, That mustn't be turned when their colours are many: And that programmes (you'll pause ere you flatly refuse 'em) Are Brummagem goods, which will break when you use 'em. Then, whether your hearers be Whig or be Tory, By the scruff of its neck you must drag in a story. Adjure them, my friend, lest their zeal should grow colder, To fight for the Cause, standing shoulder to shoulder. And, whether you battle for that chief or this chief, Inform them that stones, if unturned, are the mischief. And, last but not least, no opponent will quarrel, When all that you claim is a win _plus_ a moral.

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As an example of how political conflicts ought to be carried on take the case of West Fife. While Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL, the Radical Candidate, was speaking in Thornton School, "the door of the room was opened, and Mr. WEMYSS, the Liberal Unionist candidate for the constituency, asked 'May I come in,' to which Mr. BIRRELL replied 'Yes, certainly.' Mr. WEMYSS, who was followed by a large number of supporters, then entered the hall, and took a seat on one of the front benches, which he occupied until the close of the address, when he was greeted with loud calls for a speech. In response to the call, he remarked that he had already made eight or nine speeches that day, and must be excused from making another. He had, however, enjoyed Mr. BIRRELL'S speech very much. It was not for him to criticise it at that meeting, but he might only say that he felt sure the electors of West Fife would vote for whom they considered the best man and the man they believed would do his duty. He then called for three hearty cheers for his opponent, Mr. BIRRELL. Votes of confidence were then put for both candidates, when that in favour of Mr. BIRRELL was declared carried. The opposing candidates then shook hands, and departed evidently the best of friends."

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A totally different picture comes to us from Aston Manor, as I judge from the following letter in the BIRMINGHAM DAILY GAZETTE.

WHAT HAS BECOME OF IKE WARD?

_To the Editor of the Daily Gazette._

SIR,--My attention has been drawn to an attack made by Captain GRICE-HUTCHINSON on a very respectable member of the National Society of Amalgamated Brassworkers, Mr. IKE WARD. In your yesterday's issue Captain GRICE-HUTCHINSON is reported to have said: "The last authentic account he had of Mr. IKE WARD was that he was 'bones' in some nigger troupe on the sands of Scarborough." Mr. WARD has been for some time engaged as an organiser, and is a member of the Executive of the Railway Workers' Union, has never been in a nigger troupe on the sands of Scarborough or anywhere else.

As the statement is calculated to damage the reputation of my friend Mr. WARD, I am sure that the candidate for Aston will at once either give his authority for the damaging statement or withdraw the aspersions on the character of a respected labour leader.--Yours faithfully,

W. J. DAVIS.

_70, Lionel Street, Birmingham, July 13._

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But after all, even if Mr. IKE WARD had chosen to employ his leisure in performing on the bones in a nigger troupe on the sands at Scarborough or elsewhere he would have done nothing to be ashamed of. Obviously, however, Captain GRICE-HUTCHINSON'S account was anything but authentic, and he had no business to cork Mr. WARD'S face in so gratuitous a manner.

'Tis a manifest error, this tale about bones-- (You may like what I say, or, if not, you may lump it). For a worker in brass must produce the best tones If--I don't say he did it--he blew his own trumpet.

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In any record of electoral humour Mr. MUNTZ, the member for Tamworth, must hold a distinguished place. Here is a report of some of the remarks made by him at meetings in the Nuneaton Division:--

Mr. MUNTZ, in the course of his remarks, characterised Lord SALISBURY'S Government as the most able Administration that had ever held office in any Parliament the world over. It was composed of all the great intellect which, prior to the introduction of the Home Rule Bill, was divided between the two great parties of the State. Now all that was left to the Liberal party was the tagrag and bobtail. The late Radical Administration was a failure under Mr. GLADSTONE, great man as he was, and a still greater failure under Lord ROSEBERY, to whom Her Majesty had presented the Thistle. (_Laughter._) As to agriculture, he said that he had a conversation with Mr. CHAMBERLAIN on the subject just before the dissolution. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN said to him, "MUNTZ, what are we to do for agriculture?" and he replied, "That's a big question. You have all the great talent and all the great landed interest in the country represented in the present Government; and if the present Government can do nothing for agriculture, there is nothing to be done for agriculture." (_Applause._)

After reading this I feel that the question of agricultural distress is settled. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN must, indeed, be a proud man at having obtained so much valuable information in answer to a question which, as reported, sounds familiar almost to the verge of rashness.

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Can pigs be kept at a profit? This was the question which confronted the Devonport Guardians only the other day. The following extract from their proceedings will be read with breathless interest:--

Mr. H. W. BRYANT moved "That the Guardians give up pig keeping, either at the house or otherwise."

Mr. HEALY seconded.--Mr. OLIVER supported, and said they could buy the pork cheaper than keep pigs, and that every pig they had kept cost them 1_s._ per lb.

Mr. J. GOODMAN said he was a "piggery man." (_Laughter._) He liked the pig, he liked the pork, and he liked the profit that the pig brought. He was surprised to hear Mr. OLIVER say that the pigs cost 1_s._ per lb. He said it did not cost them 2-1/2_d._ per lb.

Mr. CHEW pointed out that the profit on pig keeping last year in the house was £39.

Mr. PENBERTHY said the master entered in his books that it cost them 6_d._ per lb., and Mr. J. MOORE maintained that they could buy pork at 4-1/2_d._ per lb. The motion was lost, 8 voting for, and 18 against.

"I'm a piggery man," said GOODMAN, J., "though pigs are a wee bit squealy; But I won't sit still to hear pigs denounced by BRYANT and scorned by HEALY. Let those who prefer it till the fields, and see what a year's hard dig brings; _I_ like the pig, and I like the pork, and I like the profit the pig brings." Then CHEW, he chawed Mr. BRYANT up, Mr. HEALY to dust he ground, Sir; And MOORE maintained you could purchase pork at fourpence halfpenny a pound, Sir. But the piggery men prevailed by ten, a majority quite on the big side, Since eighteen voted for pigs that day, and eight on the anti-pig side.

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BROWN AND ME.

Me and BROWN has bin a having a lot of differences of opinion all about the County Counsellers, which sumhows we carnt get to agree together about em, not by no manner of means. And now, quite lately, we has been a having a lot of quarrells about the members of Parlement in the Citty, and all round about it, and, fortunetly, me and my frends has wun nearly ewery place where there has bin any think like a jolly good fight, and has now wun nearly the hole blooming lot on em! So that the poor County Counsellors has hardly got a single member of Parlement left among the whole blooming lot, and is obliged to have long rambling speeches among theirselves jest to fill up their idle time. How they can manage to keep things agoing jest while they makes their old long speeches, I carnt for the life of me make out; but I am told that they all agrees that its the only means they has of keeping up their old Charter; and altho it isnt werry much to brag about, they all agrees its sumthink better than nothink.

Lots of the poor chaps who has been acustomed to go about different parts of London a braggin about the werry great figgers they cuts, or was used to cut, afore the new changes as took place in making amost everybody members of Parlement, is now obleeged to do their werry best to keep things a going cumfertably, if possibel; but its but poor work for em, and but a werry poor change for things as was afore they was as they is.

Why, I'm litterelly told as how there is now lots of Gents as was once Members of Parlement who aint now members for nothink! that it to say, not for nothink as is worth having. Why, I'm ewen told as the County Counsellers, as belongs to the Tems Conserwency, is now so ardly treated, that they werry offen carnt get enuff to do to keep their time well employed, or to get enuff monney to pay them their werry modderate wages; so eny boddy can werry easily emadgin what poor work it must now be for poor fellers as was once Members of Parlement, and now aint not members of not nothink!

Sum of the old members tells me as they doesnot despair ewen yet! for they are quite sure as how as numbers of the grand old Tories will stick to em as long as theres any left; but I thinks as I knows a trick worth too of that, and that is, to make the best of the things as is, and hope the best for all the changes as time and hoppertoonity will aford em of putting a few things together as their long xperience has tort em is easily turned to good account.

ROBERT.

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ENTERTAINERS ENTERTAINED.--The DALY Co., headed by Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY and Miss ADA REHAN, were lunch'd by the LORD MAYOR, July 16, at the Munching House. LORD MAYOR paid sincere tribute to the American Company, and AUGUSTIN DALY heartily thanked the City of London. The U.S. Minister found a Link between the two countries in the great Dramatic Light SHAKSPEARE. "And so say all of U.S." Manager DALY forgot to mention, that, as he has to leave England in the autumn, he ought to change the termination of his name to suit the term of his stay here, and be "AUGUST-OUT DALY" instead of "AUGUST-IN."

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MRS. R. wants to know if "The Hardwicke Society" has anything to do with the improvement of candles and candle-lamps?

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ANOTHER HONOUR FOR DR. GRACE!--The eminent batsman is to be invited to the next "_Court Ball_."