Part 3

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:--

Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity, Where is the woman whom people call "New," Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity, Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"? Half angry, half sad (upon grounds sentimental) man Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim-- "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"-- Where are the creatures who own to the name? This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality, Only existing in fancy and print; It is just an unlovely abstract personality, Coin from the end-of-the-century mint. And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man Owns her supremacy, calm and serene, Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman," Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen.

Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,

Yours cheerily,

A. BACHELOR.

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THE "BOGEY-LAND OF SCIENCE."--From the _Glasgow Herald_:--

"The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G. BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."

Plucky of Mr. SHANKS, that! As the Gyracanthus is an animal with both a fin and a spine, and it was captured in Ayr, it must be a sort of flying shark. How on earth did Mr. SHANKS get it to George Street? It ought to be called "By George Street!" in future.

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"THE COLONEL'S" PARADOXICAL PURPOSE.--To convert West Leeds into "NORTH Leads."

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A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.

At anti-gambling "spoil-sports," loudly The "sportsmen" they would spoil are fretting. Good friends, though you protest so proudly, The _true_ spoil-sport is--Betting! Although it suit the baser sort, What's sport to them is death to Sport!

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"Piccadilly Sports" is a headline conjuring up pleasant visions of races, and other jinks unconducive to the peace and comfort of law-abiding citizens--only authorised race in Piccadilly, the "purblind race of miserable men." Yet let no irate old gentleman storm the columns of the _Times_ with a tirade against the police and County Council on this account. Because there happens to be another Piccadilly up north. _Hinc (Piccad) illi ludi._ We shall expect to be reading shortly of "Holborn miners out on strike," "Heroic rescue by the Pall Mall lifeboat," or "A serious affray with poachers at Paddington."

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ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.

TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.

On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided. Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in nautical dress.

The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'."

Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another candidate?

"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping a stout blackthorn.

After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, got on his hind legs.

"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this honour; and base indeed is the man--(_A Voice, 'Who pays'_)--who could be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother electors--(_A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.'_) No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of a solemn duty. (_Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!'_) I was about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. (_Cheers._) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is a Latin word meaning to _vete_, or, as we say in English, to refuse to stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen as defined by my friend. (_Loud cheers._) 'Are you in favour of Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely impalpable. (_'No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries of_ 'JUDAS!' _A free fight, during which a man was ejected, omitting to take his coat with him._) Don't put him out; don't put anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say--and you observe I say it emphatically--No. (_Loud cheering._) 'Are you in favour of a Second Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (_More cheering, the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs._) Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming up. (_A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it reached the hon. Member._) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday night?' (_Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined._) I think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the High Sheriff." (_This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family seat, The Kennel, Barks._)

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A LITERARY TURN.

There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed--and not by publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from uttering them quite so bluntly.

Mistress HATHAWAY rejoiced in a daughter christened ANNE, Whose proceedings she regarded with concern; Quoth she--"That WILLUM SHAKSPEARE as a son-in-law I ban. Why? Because he has a literary turn."

Growled Sir W-LL-M, on perusal of a certain _Life of Pitt_-- "Well, we all unquestionably live and learn; But, in spite of DIZZY'S precedent, I don't believe one bit In a Premier with a literary turn."

Said W-LS-L-Y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed-- "To answer this biography I yearn. What an admirable soldier H-ML-Y might, perhaps, have made, If he had not had a literary turn!"

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"JUST ON THE CARDS."--Herr IFF'S orchestra. In how uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr IFF leave the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing him whether Herr IFF and his band could come, should receive this reply: "_If can come will be there at hour stated._" This supposes that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has corrected the spelling of "IFF." _À propos_ of IFF, a complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran HOWE of WATTS' poems, accompanied by IFF'S band; and a reading from _Le Château d'If_.

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INTELLIGIBLE, BUT NOT CLEAR.--"I think," said Mrs. R.'s married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary evening party. Now I remember an evening when SANTLEY sang in a crowded drawing-room at our house, and _a pin might have dropped!_"

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A DECISION. THE DR. G. TESTIMONIAL.--The _D. T._ is a good judge of popular sentiment, and, attired as a Judge, is _D. T. ermined_ that '95 shall be remembered as "_the_ Year of GRACE."