Part 3

_F. P._ Afraid not. You see they're keepin' JIMMY LOWTHER quiet with a heavy job on Committees. By the way, I see BRODRICK'S gettin' in a lot more ammunition for small-arms. Glad it's smokeless powder. Old stuff used to knock the landscape about badly. Then, again, apart from the view, must say I like to see where I'm flyin'.

_S. P._ Pity CHAPLIN didn't get laid on to our department. Hear he had a notion for a bi-metallic gun; dead safe to settle agricultural depression.

_F. P._ Well, anyhow, ROSEBERY did us the compliment to make our last man a Lord; though perhaps it was a covert insult, seein' he was boomin' against the Upper Chamber. Take it all round, I'm for a Tory Government. One of their openin' moves, you see, is to put the First on a Sunday. That's a bit sportsmanlike.

_S. P._ Yes, but they're a mixed lot--this coalition. Tell me that J. C. don't know a muzzle from a butt-end! However, here's luck and rude health to all good sportsmen. _Vive le Sport!_ I'm off with the missus for a mornin' fly. Ta-ta!

[_Exeunt._

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A LESSON FROM THE NEW LIZARD.

(_By a Worritted One._)

[The Frilled Lizard--_Chlamydosaurus Kingi_--from Roebuck Bay, Western Australia, a recent addition to the Zoo, is believed to "elevate its frill when angry or excited"; but as no power on earth seems to make it excited or angry, its frill never shows to advantage.]

Oh _Chlamydosaurus!_ You spread out before us, If not your fine frill, an example! With lizards to live what a deal would one give, At least, if they're all up to sample! Oh, thing enigmatic, lethargic, lymphatic, True type of the _eadem semper_; Your finery gay you can't rightly display, For lack of that trifle--a temper! If creatures more human--especially woman-- Were like you in dress and in diet, And perfectly willing to sacrifice frilling, And other mere show-things, to quiet. 'Twould bring us all balm, for our world would be calm As though stilled by the wand of a wizard. But ladies are few who will learn at the Zoo The true secret of life--from a lizard.

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New Name for the "New Woman."

Unsexed, factitious, foolish, coarse, inhuman! She's not the New, she's but the "Novel" Woman.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Tuesday, August 20, 2.18 A.M._--New Members, and some who sat in last Parliament, have had opportunity to-night of tasting old times at Westminster. As R. G. WEBSTER pointedly observes, "TIM HEALY has drawn his shillelagh, and thrown away the scabbard." Here is House of 670 Members, in Session in obedience to constitutional conditions. Must needs meet on 12th of August; but every man, or nearly everyone, chiefly anxious to get necessary business over as soon as possible, and so off to moor or sea, or quiet home in long-severed country across the Irish Sea or beyond the Tweed. TIM HEALY has introduced Bill to amend Municipal Franchise in Ireland; wants to carry it through all its stages, and send it on to Lords before Prorogation. "Only a little one," he pleads. PRINCE ARTHUR points out if exception made in one case will be claimed in others. Can't oblige TIM.

"Very well," says the Implacable One; "then see what it will cost you. No Bill no holiday, at least not as long as I can stand on floor and raise my voice."

All through the long sitting TIM been to the fore. No matter what subject, it served for him to take objection, and in most cases division. ATTORNEY-GENERAL wanted to take first reading Expiring Laws Continuance Bill; a purely formal procedure; a matter of course at end of each Session. TIM objected. After vain protest, ATTORNEY-GENERAL retired. PRINCE ARTHUR moved debate on Limerick election should have particular place on Agenda. TIM objected. Such a course, he argued, implied that debate on the dutiful address to most gracious speech from the throne might be interrupted in favour of any ordinary business. In voice faltering with emotion TIM resented this slight upon his Sovereign. Next in enormity was evidence discerned by his keen vision of demoralising influence of HEMPRER JOE on Conservative principles. Before the fusion, Conservatives held sacred all constitutional precedents. Now, with a light heart, they proposed to flout an ordinance that had prevailed for seven hundred years.

Why seven hundred nobody knew. TIM might have put it at eight hundred or a thousand; but he is, above all things, a moderate man.

SPEAKER ruled PRINCE ARTHUR'S procedure strictly in order. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, coming to rescue of Ministers, admitted it was a course invariably taken under former Ministry. TIM took his stand on the British Constitution; put his protecting arms round his affronted Sovereign; declined to budge, and the master of many legions surrendered.

The same through long sitting, which closes at this moment with dawn surprising the blushing East. On successive questions--the suspension of twelve o'clock rule, the SPEAKER leaving Chair without question put, Chitral, and a long series of formal motions in Supply--TIM delivered innumerable speeches; took in all ten divisions. Once, House being cleared for division, he, in conformity with quaint requirements of the moment, remained seated with hat on, contesting points of order with SPEAKER. Alone he did it. Although from fifty to a hundred Members went out to vote with him, none felt capable of joining in his masterly controversy with the masterful SPEAKER.

Hard lines for new SPEAKER; in Chair for nearly twelve hours, incessantly on the watch. But, as SARK says, the game has for him been well worth burning the candle at both ends. To-night's sitting has finally established his position in the Chair.

_Business done._--Address agreed to.

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_Tuesday._--SARK, whose knowledge of SHAKSPEARE is extensive and peculiar, goes about humming:--

Ban, ban Caliban. Got new House Commons; Get new Chair_man_.

This accomplished to-night in simplest fashion. Two hours discussion of Limerick's flash of humour in having elected to represent it in Parliament a gentleman languishing in one of Her Majesty's prisons. This disposed of, House went into Committee of Supply. But as yet we have no Chairman. MELLOR'S unrequited labours closed with life of last Parliament. SARK always says justice never done to MELLOR.

"A painstaking, upright, courteous gentleman," he testifies. "Much too good for obstruction's daily food in Chair of Committees. If he had a fault tending to incapacitate him for Chair, it was the extreme geniality of a nature that made him shrink from giving pain. He came into office at an epoch of exceptional difficulty. LYON PLAYFAIR had bad time when he was hampered by well-organised, ruthless obstruction led by PARNELL. Obstruction to the Home-Rule Bill throughout first session of MELLOR'S chairmanship not less ably led, for JOE, not yet come to Imperial estate, was much to the fore. It was certainly not less ruthless; numerically was in treble force. To obfusticate the Chairman was easiest, most effective way of delaying progress of Bill through Committee; MELLOR suffered accordingly. The order of things should have been reversed. MELLOR should come to Chair to-day. LOWTHER should have had his job in Session of 1893. JAMES W. is endowed in marked degree with the quality of phlegm invaluable to Chairman in troublous times. What worried sensitive nature of MELLOR would have flurried him no more than bucket of water cast over a duck's back."

"I was made a corporal just in time," said PRIVATE HANBURY, musing over recent turns in wheel of fortune. "With JAMES W. in the Chair, I would rather have charge of the Estimates than be engaged in obstructing their passage."

HERMON HODGE, after enjoying the fresh air of the country for three years, comes back to House and loftily complains of the atmosphere. "Is the first Commissioner of Works aware," he inquired, "that in the early part of the afternoon there was a most horrible smell of drains at the bar of the House?"

"Hoightytoighty!" said JOHN WILLIAM. "What does the man mean? What is he doing at the bar if he objects to the smell of what he calls drains, meaning nips? What is the particular flavour that offends his sensibilities? Is it whiskey or rum? Who is he that he should interfere with the private tastes of hon. Members? To complain of the smell of drains at the bar at a time when the British electorate have, by overwhelming majorities, declared against any tampering with The Trade interests, is too much from a man who has shared in the benefit derived on our side by the wholesome current of public opinion."

Never saw JOHN WILLIAM so put about. Usually brimming over with good living and fine feeling.

_Business done._--Some votes in Committee of Supply.

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_Wednesday._--STANLEY delivered maiden speech. Did it very well, too. A double contribution to success. First, subject (slave trade in Africa) one of which he knows something. Second, he made no effort to orate. Hooked his arm, so to speak, with that of Chairman of Committees; walked him up and down, talking in colloquial fashion. Has good voice, which doesn't need uplifting; in the higher notes one catches the faint echo of a foreign tongue.

Sharing pleasure of Committee at his speech, he volunteered a second. Dangerous experiment this. But particular incentive gave it a turn of fresh attraction. PARKER SMITH, criticising first speech, and differing from its conclusions, accused STANLEY of trading on his reputation. Ever seen a boy in the playing-ground go up to another, clench his fists, hoist his right shoulder, and ask him to "say that again"? Thus STANLEY to PARKER SMITH, sitting on same bench near him. Of course he put thing in Parliamentary fashion.

"I don't recollect," he drawled, "saying anything to inspire my hon. friend to make such a charge, and"--here he bent over P. S., fixing him with glittering eye--"I beg he won't make any such remarks in the future."

Before fervered fancy of Member for Partick there lashed a vision of two new books from pen of the great explorer. The first volume was entitled _How I Found Parker Smith_. The second bore the legend _How I Left Him_. Only one thing to do. Apologise. This P. S. did with alacrity.

_Business done._--Two votes in Committee of Supply.

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_Saturday_, 1.40 A.M.--Another late sitting, chiefly owing to Truculent TIM. That depressing; but Members wend their way homeward hurt by crueller blow. Will be remembered that in last Session of old Parliament HOWARD VINCENT made great hit. Came down to the House clothed, not only with chastity, but with mats, strips of carpet, brushes, frying-pans, fish-kettles, and other household goods, all, as he said, made in foreign prisons. Those present during sitting will never forget curious illusion of caudal appendage occasioned by accident of handle of one of the frying-pans, thrust in hon. Member's coat-tail pocket, sticking out at angle of forty-five degrees.

General effect was that House, in flush of generous indignation, passed resolution calling upon Government forthwith to prohibit importation of prison-made brushes and the rest. Committee appointed, and first discovery made was that the brush HOWARD VINCENT negligently dandled in hand whilst he temporarily painted out Ministerial majority, was not, as represented, of prison manufacture, but (SARK adds) was secretly bought by the gallant colonel at Army and Navy Stores!

BRYCE, who on eve of foreign voyage, solemnly made first part of this declaration. Said nothing more. But confidence once broken, House begins to suspect the _bona fides_ of the frying-pans, the early history of the fish-kettles.

_Business done._--More votes in Supply.

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LEGAL LUNCHING.--The energetic enterprise of journalism stops at nothing in catering for the curiosity of the public. The _Birmingham Mail_ tells how the different judges "refresh themselves in the half hour adjournment during assizes." It is exceedingly interesting to know that Justice HAWKINS "takes nothing," and that Baron POLLOCK "contents himself with a large cup of chocolate and a biscuit." Moreover, how gratifying it is to be assured that "no judge takes a substantial luncheon while engaged in Court." All such matters are of the greatest moment.

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THE TRUE "GENERAL ELECTION."--The election of Lord WOLSELEY to be Commander-in-Chief.

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NEW PARLIAMENTARY PROVERB.--Manners make the man, but TANNERS the Irishmen!