Part 3

The celebrity awaited his interviewer with some impatience. He had arranged his story with considerable care. He was prepared to show that he was the best of boys at school, the most studious of students at the university, the worthiest of men at all times. He felt sure that when the record of his life was published, preparations would be made to erect a statue and a glass window in his honour. And so he was satisfied.

In due course the interviewer appeared. The man was bland and persuasive. He requested the celebrity to take a chair, and then placed his hand upon his brow. The celebrity gazed into the eyes of his visitor with a lack lustre stare, and then seemingly sank into a heavy sleep.

"And now I am prepared to begin," murmured the interviewer, taking out his notebook. "My worthy Sir, I command you to tell me all. Mark you well--all." And then the celebrity, in a monotonous tone, revealed the secrets of the past.

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The celebrity was furious. The interview had appeared, and was far too true in the story of its subject's life to be pleasant. There was no assertion that the celebrity had been the best of boys at school, the most studious of students at the university, the worthiest of men at all times. On the contrary, the celebrity had "come out" in rather unflattering colours. So that eminent man was simply furious. He had sent for his interviewer, and awaited once more his arrival with impatience. In due course his biographer turned up.

"And now, Sir," said the celebrity, in tones trembling with anger, "what do you mean by suggesting that I tried as a child to slaughter my maiden aunt?"

"Did you?" was the calm rejoinder.

"That is beside the question. And why did you assert that I had told you that I never did a day's work at the university?"

"But you did say so--didn't you?"

"Again beside the question. And what did you mean by stating that I had deserted my wife, and turned my children out-of-doors at a moment's notice?"

"But were those statements true or untrue?"

"That you have not received a writ for libel is my answer. But how came you to know these unpleasant details--who told you?"

"You did."

"I did! When, where and how?"

"When I saw you here, and at my request."

"I do not understand you," murmured the puzzled celebrity. "Why should I tell you all this?"

Then came the explanation.

"You told me all I wanted," replied the interviewer, "because I am a hypnotist?"

"Indeed!" returned the celebrity when he had recovered from his astonishment; and then, after a moment of deep consideration, he gave his visitor the names and addresses of the more hated of his rivals.

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THE NEW BATTLE OF HASTINGS.

Some advance on Peace's journey We may reckon. War's disasters Won't attend this great Chess Tourney. And the Meeting of the Masters. STEINITZ, LASKER, TSCHIGORIN, BLACKBURNE, BIRD, or any other, Whichsoever champion win, Will be hailed as friend and brother. Senlac saw another sight When the Norman whipped the Saxon. This serene and bloodless fight Skill and patience lay sole tax on. Here no arrow ends the fray, (Though _a narrow_ victory may do,) Whereat _Punch_ must shout hooray! Play on, great Chess Masters, pray do! May the best man meet success! (Big guns have had pretty bastings!) And no Battles, save at Chess, Ever stain our English Hastings!

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A Voice from the Table.

(_At Swearing-in Time for the new M.P.'s_).

The cry is still they come--the new M.P.'s! The difference 'twixt them and us, no doubt, Seems but one letter, but how vast it is!-- They are "sworn in," but we are just worn out!

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* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, August 12._--"Are you ready? Go!" No mistaking the voice. It was the clear, sharp notes of HEMPRER JOE, ringing from behind SPEAKER'S Chair, high above buzz of talk and bustle of movement in crowded House. Wondering what it might portend, when discovered PRINCE ARTHUR and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD entering simultaneously, after the fashion of the Bounding Brothers from the Breathless Baltic. Only, if you remember, those eminent _artistes_ appeared in ring from directly opposite approaches, advancing towards each other with startling, though graceful evolutions. PRINCE and SQUIRE, on contrary, started from door at back of SPEAKER'S Chair, advanced fair toe and heel to table; walked step by step together along either front bench, till each reached the seat kept vacant for him.

House so surprised at this performance it almost forgot to shout. What usually happens on like occasions is for one Leader of Party to take his seat amid loud cheers from his friends, taken up with strident voice from other side when their man comes in. Now cheers, if indulged in, would mingle, and might be misunderstood. A welcome meant for PRINCE ARTHUR might seem to be bestowed upon SQUIRE, and _vice versâ_, as Mr. ANSTEY once said. Whilst perturbed House looked on, HEMPRER JOE, having watched his men, fairly started, reach their goal, followed with swinging step and the inevitable orchid.

To see him seat himself on Treasury Bench, the right-hand man of a Tory Government, too much for the feelings of TIM HEALY, usually held in stern reserve. During interval of General Election TIM been holding sweet converse with his colleagues in general, BLAKE and TAY PAY in particular. By odd chance he, taking his place in new Parliament to-day, found himself seated between his two friends, to whom presently entered the "dear JUSTIN" of a voluminous missive. Soothed by such companionship TIM in melting mood. But sight of HEMPRER JOE finally crossing the gangway, formally completing marvellous journey from Birmingham to Hatfield, too much for trained equanimity. TIM groaned aloud. SWIFT MACNEILL roared as if in anguish. Dr. TANNER (figuratively of course) cut himself with knives, emitting sounds that nearly frightened to death two new members seated on either side of him. L'HEMPRER smiled benignly. Clerk at Table, dexterously interposing, pointed spectral forefinger at JOHN MOWBRAY, who rose to "move that the Right Hon. WILLIAM COURT GULLY do take the Chair as Speaker."

A delicate task, seeing that a few short months back he had run WHITE RIDLEY for the Chair against the man whose price to-day he fixed far above rubies. Admirably performed; made easier by fact that meanwhile GULLY had filled the Chair, acquitting himself in manner that justified choice of friends and extorted admiration on other side.

"All very well," says SARK, "to talk about preserving cherished traditions and best precedents of House. But suppose GULLY had been--I won't say a failure, but--anything short of perfect manner in the Chair, where would he have been to-day?"

Certainly not in the Chair, whither MOWBRAY led him, escorted by JOHN ELLIS, and where PRINCE ARTHUR welcomed him in terms which indicated that now was the dearest desire of his heart fulfilled. As for SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, he was so affected that he fell into his most funereal manner.

"One would think," said CHAPLIN, himself in the highest spirits, "that he had come to bury GULLY, not to praise him."

_Business done._--SPEAKER re-elected.

_Tuesday._--"Our army may have sworn terribly in Flanders," said Mr. MILMAN, tossing back the wig from his throbbing brow and rearranging his crumpled gown; "it was nothing to what the House of Commons can do when called upon."

Four o'clock now. House met at noon, and ever since they've been swearing away. PRINCE ARTHUR and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD led off, in company with HICKS-BEACH, GOSCHEN and HENRY FOWLER. He no longer the Great Mogul. Has folded up his turban, put away his kaftan, hung up his yataghan, and once more resumed the dress of commonplace Englishman. House loses something of its picturesqueness. But, FOWLER says, change of estate has some compensations. At least now he has not to receive the SHAHZADA in his family circle, handing him round tea and cakes, and attempting to converse with him in the Afghan tongue, imperfectly acquired by study of OLLENDORF. Sense of renewed freedom made Ex-Secretary for India throw added fervour into his bout of swearing.

A little excitement at first in crowded House. No reason why Members should insist on being sworn-in right away. Might look in later in afternoon, when pressure was over; or call to-morrow; or stroll in all by themselves on Thursday or Friday. Human instinct irrepressible even in Members of Parliament. Must be in the first flight, whatever is going on. So swarmed round table, made dashes for stray copies of the New Testament, snatched at slices of cardboard containing form of oath, as the anonymous drowning man clutched at the fortuitous straw. MILMAN, standing at table, administering oath, had a hot time of it for an hour. Thereafter excitement began to tone down, and just now flickered out.

_Business done._--Swearing in Members.

_Thursday._--"Accidental relations in directorial capacity with a great railway corporation have," said DAVID PLUNKET, "brought to my knowledge the fact that when signals on the line show a green light, caution is necessary. This afternoon, when I observed TANNER come in with flaming green necktie I feared the worst."

The worst didn't befall till midnight approached. But things in immediate neighbourhood of TANNER been seething for some time. His topographical position a little trying. Faced by triumphant majority of anti-Home-Rulers, distinctly seeing on Treasury Bench two BALFOURS where formerly only one had sat, he was irritated by having on his flank the REDMOND _frères_, HARRINGTON, CLANCY and other compatriots almost worse than SAXONS, not to mention the pain to a man of peace of consciousness that between his friends and colleagues TIM HEALY and JOHN DILLON there was something lacking in the way of perfect loving-kindness. Then there was BOANERGES RUSSELL on the Treasury Bench. Bad enough to have had him sitting on corner of top bench immediately opposite. To see him curling up his legs on Treasury Bench, one of Her Majesty's Ministers, drawing a salary quarterly with regulation and despatch, was more than a humble but patriotic medical practitioner could stand. "T. W. RUSSELL!" cried TANNER, with fine irony, and bold disregard of Parliamentary usage, which forbids mention of Members by name. The observation was by way of postscript to inquiry as to whether the Government really intend to try and prevent the murder of any more missionaries in China, and bring in an Irish Land Bill?

No satisfaction forthcoming on these points. TANNER sat and brooded by the hour over fresh wrongs of Ireland, complicated by these proceedings in China. It was HARRINGTON who accidentally and unintentionally dropped the spark which, as a Member once observed, let slip the dogs of war. "That's a lie!" remarked TANNER, by way of criticising one of HARRINGTON'S statements. Remark made in quite ordinary way; just as if he had been moved to say "How d' you do?" or, "It's a fine day." Friends and countrymen sitting near not in slightest degree disturbed. Only TANNER'S way. HARRINGTON, in fact, had commenced next sentence, when voice of long-suffering SPEAKER heard, inquiring whether he had heard aright, one Member accusing another of being a liar?

TANNER a little flustered at this extraordinary and unexpected punctilio. If objection taken had not been so sudden, the Doctor, most amiable and good-natured of men, who wouldn't hurt a fly much less flout a SPEAKER, would have apologised. But House angrily roared; SPEAKER remained standing; HEMPRER JOE, leading House in temporary absence of PRINCE ARTHUR, appeared on scene with bit of paper he had in his pocket, containing, by rare chance, written formula for moving suspension of disorderly Member. So TANNER was "named," and presently escorted from House by Deputy-Sergeant-at-Arms, shaking his fist at unoffending Secretary for the Colonies, shouting "Judas! Judas!" at top of strident voice, probably restrained only by general hurry of proceedings from demonstrating how L'HEMPRER was at bottom of the murder of missionaries in China.

_Business done._--Address moved. So was TANNER--out of House. ROBERTSON, M.P. for South Hackney, delightful in seconding Address. Confided to House that he was first genuine East-Ender ever placed in such position.

_Friday._--Unprecedented scene to-night. ATTORNEY-GENERAL FOR IRELAND, rising from Treasury Bench, opposed JOHN DILLON'S amendment to Address; SOLICITOR-GENERAL FOR IRELAND, springing up from Front Opposition Bench, warmly supported it. Both maiden speeches; manner distinctly different. ATKINSON prim, severe, official; HEMPHILL friendly, genial, richly eloquent.

"I fancy," said PRINCE ARTHUR, with one of his sweet smiles, "our SOLICITOR-GENERAL has studied his Parliamentary manner by observing the graces of a popular conductor on taking his seat in the orchestra." _Business done._--Still debating Address.

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