Part 3

"One who takes three years of practice to earn a quarter of chambers' rent" suggests that "The Devil's Own" should adopt as its regimental motto, "Retained for the Defence." Considering the numbers of the battalion, I am afraid the device would have a sarcastic significance. And now, in all sober seriousness, can nothing be done to put the grand old corps on its former satisfactory footing? It has an illustrious past--most of the best known men at the Bar belonged to it--is it impracticable to secure for it an equally illustrious future? Men who, for half a lifetime, have stood shoulder to shoulder in defence of their clients' causes can surely adopt the same satisfactory and honourable position to protect the interests of the ancient battalion. Let Bench and Bar work with a will, and "The Devil's Own" will be worthy of its title. And with this prophecy (which sounds well, but is delivered subject to counsel's revision) I bring my communication, already too long, to an abrupt conclusion.

(_Signed_)

_Pump Handle Court, Aug. 10, 1895._

A. BRIEFLESS, JUN.

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A MOST SILENT AND DISCREET ECCLESIASTIC.--There is a most reverend personage who, every year, and especially during the summer season, must hear any number of _Amantium confessiones_, and his name is "Father Thames." Let lovers beware of a "babbling brook."

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REACTION, 1895.

(_See the "Daily Chronicle" of August 6._)

Reaction's in the air, and (so to speak) Its trail is o'er the _Chronicle's_ own pages-- Witness "An Unknown Quantity" this week, Whose meditative J-pen disengages _De rebus omnibus_ a keen critique.

Extravagance, and levity, and fads Have been o'erdone, it seems, since Eighteen-eighty (Or thereabouts); but, our observer adds, JOHN BULL has this year grown more wise and weighty, Less "new," less yellow--and has chucked the Rads.

Reaction's the reverse of retrograde, If we recede from decadent excesses, And beat retreat from novelists who trade On "Sex," from artists whose _chef-d'[oe]uvres_ are messes-- 'Tis time indeed such minor plagues were stayed!

Then here's for cricket in this year of GRACE, Fair-play all round, straight hitting and straight dealing In letters, morals, art, and commonplace Reversion unto type in deed and feeling-- A path of true Reaction to retrace!

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CAUGHT WITH A "CATCH."--The idiotic catch-line of a Parisian Café-Concert ditty--"_En voulez-vous des z'homards?_" has been taken up by the citizens of the gay French capital with as much avidity as characterized their seizure upon shares in the Russian loan. The Comtesse Y., in sportive mood, twitted her butler--a very ancient retainer of the family--upon his antiquated, out-of-date manners, and chaffingly suggested that he should attempt to be more _fin-de-siècle_. The veteran _maître-d'hôtel_ assured Madame la Comtesse that he would give her no further cause for complaint. Accordingly, on the same evening, while handing round wine at the dinner-party, he promptly bellowed forth "_En voulez-vous du Pommard?_"

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TRIFLES LIGHT AS HAIR.

However much Kentish farmers may grumble about the agricultural outlook, their strop-and-razor colleagues, the barbers of that county, should now replace any grief in which they also may be indulging in reference to _their_ industry, with great gaiety, for there is every prospect of a long and prosperous run of hirsute harvests. The High Constable has decreed that, unless his men can grow "well regulated beards or military moustaches," they are to be clean-shaven. Farewell the festive "mutton-chop" whisker and the jovial goatee! Henceforth "Bobby" will be beardless, and as he drinks the mid-day pint of that frothing beverage whose main ingredient--more or less--is malt, the upper-lip hops-tacle, upon which the foam was wont to find a brief resting-place, will be conspicuous by its absence--not lost exactly, but s(h)aved before.

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ROUNDABOUT READINGS.

President ANDREWS, of Brown University, has contributed to the _North American Review_ an article entitled "Are there Too Many of Us?" Personally, I should answer with an unhesitating yes, especially after Bank Holidays, or _fêtes_ and galas such as those with which the provinces teem. And it may be noted, by the way, as a curious fact in the natural history of amusements, that no genuine _fête_ is ever found without a gala. Conversely a gala without a _fête_ cannot be imagined. From the presence in your neighbourhood of one of the two you are at once entitled to infer the presence of the other.

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I return, however, to Professor ANDREWS. He proves by a series of elaborate and convincing calculations that if the world started with a population of two, the increase in 3,000 years would have become "two quintillion human beings; viz., to every square yard 3,333-1/3 persons. Or the earth would be covered with men in columns of 833-2/3 each, standing on each others heads. If they averaged five feet tall, each column would be 4,166-2/3 feet high."

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All this sounds highly stupendous. As I am no mathematician, I cannot compete with Professor ANDREWS of Brown University on equal terms, but to my non-mathematical mind the only inference to be drawn from the Professor's calculation appears to be that the world is not much more than thirty years old, or, let us say, 30-1/3. In another ten years or so, I suppose we shall have to start work on the columns. Personally, I am not impatient. I am quite willing to let 832 of my friends get into position first. I can then climb up and complete the column. How the fractional third is to be made up I know not, unless--happy thought--there is to be an extra allowance of three tailors to every column.

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The Social Democratic Federation has been meeting in conference at Birmingham. Comrades QUELCH, BELCHER, SHAYER, GEARD, TOOTH, TEMPEST, WATTS and WENLINGTON were all on the spot. Some discussion took place with reference to _Justice_, the official organ of the Federation.

Mr. BELCHER (Lincoln), in the course of discussion, thought they ought to induce the workers to take up shares, and to back _Justice_ to the fullest extent. They were inclined to sneer at capitalists, but they could not carry on the Federation work without taking a leaf out of the capitalist's book. (_Hear, hear._)

Mr. M'PHERSON, as one of the auditors, said the branch accounts in reference to _Justice_ were a disgrace. A great deal was heard about the immorality of capitalists, but a little more morality was wanted in some of the branches in regard to the paying of accounts.

This, of course, is most lamentable. Even a Social Democrat, it seems, cannot alter hard facts or get on without money. And at present nobody seems in want of the particular kind of justice which Messrs. QUELCH, BELCHER and other comrades are anxious to purvey.

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I like to rescue from the dark unfathomed caves of ocean any gem of purest ray serene. Here is one extracted from the speech of Mr. POWELL WILLIAMS, M.P., at the recent dinner of the Birmingham Conservative Club.

Mr. POWELL WILLIAMS, M.P., proposed "The Press," and said that before he spoke of the Press he would like to correct a statement which Sir MEYSEY THOMPSON made. That gentleman thought that Yorkshire was peculiar, inasmuch as it had got rid of something objectionable in the shape of fever called Shaw-Lefevre. He put in a claim for distinction for the county of Cornwall. In Cornwall they would tell you that they had got rid of the worst kind of beer that anyone ever tasted, and that they called Conybeare.

Later on Mr. WILLIAMS said that, although the Gladstonian Press was more numerous than the Unionist Press, it had not been able to persuade the nation to swallow eighty Irish members--which is, perhaps, fortunate; since, to take only one, I am sure Mr. TIM HEALY would prove a very tough morsel to digest.

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And here is a rose that, but for me, might have blushed unseen in the report of the proceedings of the South Dublin Union:--

Mr. LENEHAN moved, in accordance with notice--"That the pauper inmate nurses be removed from the male and female Roman Catholic hospitals, and also from the Protestant male and female hospitals, and trained nurses engaged to look after the sick poor." During the course of a lengthened address, delivered in a remarkably loud voice, he urged that the present system of nursing was bad, that militiamen were employed for the purpose, and that reliance could not be placed on the paupers at present engaged in the hospitals. He said that there were at present 184 inmates employed in nursing, and he proposed to put a trained nurse in each ward, that would be 43, and two nurses in each hospital, that would be 8, or 51 in all. These 51 nurses, at £30 a year, or 11_s._ 6_d._, would be a little over £29 (_laughter_), or a saving of some shillings (_laughter_).

Mr. SYKES.--What in the world is the meaning of that calculation?

Mr. LENEHAN repeated his statement amidst great laughter.

Mr. O'REILLY said he would second the motion for the sake of discussion, as Mr. LENEHAN complained that his resolutions were never seconded.

Mr. BYRNE was surprised that Mr. O'REILLY had seconded the resolution, for Mr. O'REILLY was a sensible man----

Mr. LENEHAN.--I deny that (_laughter_).

Mr. BYRNE said it was all braggadocio, and a desire to obtain notoriety, that made Mr. LENEHAN bring this forward.

After this no one will be surprised to hear that Mr. LENEHAN withdrew his motion. It must be a terrible thing to be accused of braggadocio and a desire to obtain notoriety.

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And finally here is an estimate of Mr. BALFOUR from a correspondent of the Birmingham _Daily Gazette:_--

THE UNIONIST MAJORITY.--_To the Editor of the "Daily Gazette."_--SIR,--Among the many causes assigned for the above, no one, so far as I know, has suggested the following one. Is it too much to hope that the statesmanlike character of Mr. A. J. BALFOUR has influenced greatly the country at large? His simple dignity, both in majority and minority, his pluck and energy as Irish Secretary, are still remembered. The _Spectator_ publishes an article on "Mr. Balfour's Benignity," and at the reception given to the Medical Association at the Imperial Institute he and his sister were received with deafening cheers. Lastly, we shall hear nothing from himself. Surely all parties recognize and admire such a statesman, and willingly confide in his future.--AN OUTSIDER.

But why are we to hear nothing from Mr. BALFOUR himself. As one who likes good speaking on either side of the House, I hope we may hear a great deal from Mr. BALFOUR.

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There have been great doings at Cirencester. At a _fête_ (and gala) in Earl BATHURST'S park, the chief attraction was the announcement of a captive balloon, which was expected to make trips during the afternoon. Unfortunately, however, the gas-main in the Tetbury Road, where the balloon was filled, was not so large as was desirable, and the result was that the balloon was not filled till after five o'clock. It was then taken to the scene of the _fête_ at Pope's Seat, where every effort was made to make up for lost time. The Hon. B. BATHURST, M.P., the newly elected member for the division, made a short speech from the balloon, being received with loud cheers. The "right away" ascent was afterwards abandoned. The evening, which proved fine, closed with an excellent display of fireworks by Professor WELLS.

If a captive balloon should refuse to inflate, And should linger too long flopping loose on the grass, Just insert an M.P. in the car to orate, And you'll promptly secure an abundance of gas.

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TO TRICKASTA.

A note of pain was sounded when you said That we had better never meet again. My nerves were shattered and my heart was lead-- A note of pain.

Far other had it been when down the lane You graciously inclined your pretty head To listen to me. Yes, I was insane Enough to hope that one day we might wed, Until your double-dyed deceit grew plain. I like to think my letter was, when read, A note of pain.

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"SITTING ROOM ONLY."--The election of Sir L. LYELL for Orkney and Shetland on Saturday last brought the General Election to a conclusion. By this final result the House became quite full, if not quite FULLERTON.