Part 2

At a banquet given in Bristol in honour of the invincible bicyclist, Mr. A. A. ZIMMERMAN, a reverend gentleman suggested that the Town Councillors should present the freedom of that city to the two champions W. G. GRACE and A. A. ZIMMERMAN. Another spokesman, on the same festive occasion, remarked that he had heard of a book called _Zimmerman on Solitude_. He had never seen ZIMMERMAN on Solitude, but he had beheld him on a safety. Really in Bristol their badinage is quite brilliant!

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ESSENCE of PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, August 12._--Back in the old place. Same address; same walls; same benches; same stage in short, but almost entirely new company. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD lends friendly look to Front Opposition Bench. But there are many vacant places to right and left of him. Where is JOHN MORLEY, and ARNOLD MORLEY, and SHAW-LEFEVRE who saved our Commons but could not save his seat among them? What has become of JOHN HIBBERT, gentlest mannered man that ever repulsed attack on the public purse? And GEORGE RUSSELL and LEVESON-GOWER? Was not even a BRAND plucked from the burning? Was "BOBBY," in laager behind his collar, cut off in the full fragrance of youth and beauty?

SARK, looking round on other quarters of House, cannot refrain from dropping a salt if silent tear. "You call this the House of Commons," he said, bitterly, "and find in it no place for ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS? One black man may be as good as another, and even better; that is the MARKISS'S affair. As VIRGIL wrote of _Trojan_ and _Tyrian_,"

BHOWNAGGREE NAOROJI mihi nullo discrimine agetur.

But how is Parliament going to limp along without our CONYBEARE, our SEYMOUR KEAY, and our DON'T KEIR HARDIE? I suppose it's all right. The SPEAKER will take Chair at usual hour; questions will be put and answered; Bills will make progress and 'the House will now adjourn.' But if the House of Commons is itself without the eminent persons I have mentioned, I at least shall not be able to recognise its identity."

"Oh, cheer up," said ST. JOHN BRODRICK, Premier-maker, Destroyer of Majorities, sort of Parliamentary WARWICK. "You don't know what the future may have in store for you. There are fathomless possibilities in this unfamiliar crowd. It's true no new Members, as far as I observed, came down in a brake accompanied by trumpets also and shawms. But DON'T KEIR HARDIE didn't live up to that introduction. The fact is, it probably had something to do with his distinct failure. It raised expectation too high, and even his collarless shirt, his short jacket, his Tweed cap, and his tendency to shed papers out of his over-stuffed pockets as he walked about the premises, didn't make up what was lacking."

Whilst WARWICK BRODRICK talking, he was constantly turning over things in his pockets. Thought at first it was money. "Been drawing your salary a quarter in advance?" I asked, anxious to learn the habits of the new Ministry.

"No," said WARWICK, "it's not that. See," he said, picking out handful of small bullets; "these are what we use in the new rifles fired with cordite. Nice things you know. Will hop across two miles before you know where you are. In the other pocket got a few charges of cordite. No! Rather not see them? Well, no accounting for prejudice. I mean to keep a supply always on hand, or rather in pocket. Opposition not likely to do anything much yet awhile. But they'll try and form up by-and-by. When they do, I'll show 'em a cordite cartridge, rattle a few of these bullets, with their cupro-nickel jackets, and, poof! they're off just as they were when I defeated the late Government in June. Can't have too much of a good thing. What cordite's done once it may do again."

And the Financial Secretary to the War Office walked off, ostentatiously rattling the contents of his pockets as he passed CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, who visibly faltered.

_Business done._--NEW SPEAKER elected.

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Arcades Ambo.

The Heathen Chinee and Unspeakable Turk Seem largely alike, in Gehenna's black work. The earth would smile fairer, methinks, were it free Of Unspeakable Turk and of Heathen Chinee.

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THE OLLENDORF GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE.

THE CHEAP EXCURSIONIST.

Did the good neighbour go by the cheap excursion? Yes, the good neighbour did go by the cheap excursion, and so did his wife, his wife's mother, and his six children. Did he catch the cab of the early driver? No, he did not catch the cab of the early driver, but he used the omnibus of the sleeping coachman, who took him as far as half-way (half-way as far as). Had the good neighbour to finish the journey to the railway station on foot? Yes, he had, and so had his wife, his wife's mother, and his six children. Are they in a good temper, or a bad temper? They are in a bad temper, because it is raining, and because the mother of the wife of the good neighbour had not wished to go. Have they found the right train? No, they have not found the right train, but are entering carriages bound for another destination. Has the guard of the wrong train disturbed the good neighbour, his wife, his wife's mother, and his six children? The guard of the wrong train has disturbed them, and has thrust them into the bad carriages of the right train. Were not the bad carriages of the right train already crowded? They were already crowded with the hairdresser, the artist's model, the plasterers, the builders, the sweeps, the fruiterers, and the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local paper. Did not the entrance of the good neighbour, his wife, his wife's mother, and his six children, inconvenience the hairdresser, the artist's model, the plasterers, the builders, the sweeps, the fruiterers, and the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of the local paper? It did, and caused most of them to use bad language (_i.e._, oaths). Did the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local paper use bad language? No, the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local paper did not use bad language, because he was in a fit. How did the good neighbour enjoy his journey? The good neighbour did not enjoy his journey, because he had to submit to the smoke of the hairdresser, the lavender water of the artist's model, the snuff of the plasterers, the smoke of the builders, the concertinas of the sweeps, the comic songs of the fruiterers, and the gasps of the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local paper. Did the good neighbour have to submit to any further inconvenience? Yes, he was abused by his wife, bullied by his wife's mother, and plagued by his six children. Was the weather at the destination of the good neighbour favourable? No, it was not favourable, as it rained heavily all day. Did the good neighbour find time hang heavily on his hands? Yes, he did find time hang heavily on his hands; but not so heavily as his wife, his wife's mother, and six children. Did the good neighbour, his wife, his wife's mother, and his six children get sufficient to eat? No, they did not get sufficient to eat; but they discussed the broken scraps left at a shilling ordinary (_i.e._, ordinary price one shilling). Were they happy to get home? Yes, they were happy to get home; but had to return with the hairdresser, the artist's model, the plasterers, the builders, the sweeps, the fruiterers, but not the quiet young man who contributes poetry to the columns of a local paper. Were the hairdresser, the artist's model, the plasterers, the sweeps, and the fruiterers more noisy at night than they had been in the morning? Yes, they were more noisy, because they had all been drinking the much-adulterated beer of the prosperous but dishonest publican. Did the good neighbour arrive at home at last? Yes, the good neighbour did arrive at home at last, but more dead than alive (_i.e._, aliver than more dead). Will the wife of the good neighbour, her mother, and her six children go on a similar trip on the next suitable occasion? They will go, but they will not be accompanied, if he can help it, by the good neighbour. Will the good neighbour be able to help it? No, the good neighbour will not be able to help it; so he will accompany his wife, his wife's mother, and his six children, protesting. Will the good neighbour use good language? No, the good neighbour will use bad language. Will the bad language of the good neighbour be very wrong? Yes, the bad language of the good neighbour will be very wrong, but it will not be unnatural.

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On the Cards.

M'CARTHY a-cudgelling HEALY now starts, And HEALY mild JUSTIN remorselessly drubs. Alas, that long over-due "Union of _Hearts_," Will become a Collision of _Clubs!_

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MONOPOLY.--M. MAX O'RELL, who has commonly "a guid conceit o' himsel'," and shows it, with more than Scottish--or, as _he_ says, Scotch--simplicity, dislikes the monopolist egotism shown in the phrase "an English gentleman." "A gentleman of France" would perhaps less shock his fine altruistic sensibilities. He suggests that speaking of a courteous Scot we dub him "an _English_ gentleman," but were he a murderer should call him "a _Scotch_ murderer." Perhaps he will write a new book, and call it "JOHN BULL and his _Bile_." "It is wonderful" (he continues) "how JOHN BULL manages to monopolise all that is good, and let the rest of the world partake of what he does not want." Well, not entirely, perhaps. For example, JOHN BULL does not wish to "monopolise" MAX O'RELL himself, though, of course, he is "good," and full of "good things."

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Dear BERTIE,--I _have_ got the needle, and got it exceedingly sharp. This 'ARRY--I mean the cad-cockney well known to "the 'Eath and the 'Arp"-- Is becomin' no end of a nuisance all round; but I think you'll agree It is playin' it pretty low down when they mix up that mongrel with me!

One would think the dropped aitch and apostrophe ought to have labelled _that_ brand, Which the Comics, in picture and patter, have scattered all over the land; But surely some new Trades Mark Act must be wanted exceedingly bad When HARRY, the travellin' Briton, is jumbled with 'ARRY the Cad.

Just glance at the cutting enclosed. Now I travel, in silks, as you know, And Paris and Lyons to me are familiar as Bradford or Bow. But a gent _is_ a gent, though in trade, and abroad just as much as at home, And the manners that pass in Pall Mall _ought_ to do for Berlin or for Rome!

I'm sick, my dear fellow, of readin' about British Cads on the trip, And the way that they rough-up the foreigners. Every French barber or snip, With a back that's all hinges and angles, will read us a lesson on form, And the penny-a-liners at home back him up, and we--bow to the storm!

It's rot, and there's no other word for it! _I_ mean rebellin' for one. All this talk about 'Arries Abroad, which the ink-slingers think such prime fun, Is all unpatriotic knock-under, poor tame cosmopolitan cant. And as much a true bill as the chat of that sour Mrs. ORMISTON CHANT.

If there's anythin' gives me the hump, it is hearin' Old England run down; And your Rads, and your Cads, and your Cocktails, all haters of Class and the Crown, Are eternally bastin' JOHN BULL on his bullyin' airs and stiff back. O it gives me the very go-nimble to hear their contemptible clack!

They charge us with bounce and bad manners, with trottin' around in queer togs, With chaffin' the waiters at _cafés_, and treatin' the porters like dogs. They say we raise shines in their churches, and mock their processions and priests; In fact, if you'd only believe them you'd class us as bullies and beasts.

Now _I_ say a Briton's a Briton wherever he happens to go. He has got to be "taken as written," with freedom his briar to blow, His flannels and bowler to sport, his opinions and tastes to express, As he would in Hyde Park or the Strand, _and he won't be contented with less_.

He takes "_Rule, Britannia_" along with him, young JOHNNY BULL does, you bet; And it's no use for Germans to grunt, and it's no use for Frenchmen to fret. We've got to be _free_, my dear fellow,--no matter if welcome or not,-- And to slang us as "'Arries Abroad" _for_ that freedom is all tommyrot.

That Johnny who writes about 'ARRY--in _Punch_ don'tcher know--is a Rad, I can see it as plain as be blowed; and he labels the lot of us "Cad", If we've patriot hearts and high spirits, talk slang, and are fond of a spree, But _his_ 'ARRY's no class, and it's like his dashed cheek to confound him with _me!_

He's done heaps of mischief, that joker, along of his levellin' trick, Of tarrin' the classes and masses, without any judgment or pick, With one sweepin' smudge of his tar-brush. Cad! Cad! Cad!--all over the shop!-- I'm sure _he_'s a bloomin' outsider, and wish _Punch_ would put on the stop.

_I_ like easy ways and slang-patter, _I_'m Tory and patriot all round,-- As every true Englishman _must_ be who isn't an ass or a hound,-- But your ill-spellin', aitch-droppin' howler, with "two quid a week"--as he brags-- Isn't _me_, but a Battersea bounder with big bulgy knees and loud bags.

I _did_ do the boulevards once in striped knickers and straw, I admit; And once in a Catholic church I will own I did laugh fit to split. But then, foreign tastes are so funny, and foreign religions so rum; And if they _will_ play mumbo-jumbo, how _can_ a smart Johnny keep mum?

It is all the dashed foreigners' fault. They don't relish _our_ up-and-down style; They smirk and they play monkey-tricks and then scowl if we happen to smile. They hate us like poison, and swear 'tis because of our "swagger and bounce," But it's BULL'S fightin' weight that they funk, and by gad, they know that to an ounce!

There! I've let off the steam, and feel better! We need "Coalition" all round, We gents, against Cad-dom, _and_ Rad-dom,--_they_ don't differ much, I'll be bound-- We've got it in Parliament--rippin'!--and if the same scheme we can carry In social arrangements, why _then_ 'ARRY won't be confounded with

HARRY.

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SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.

ON A CROSS BENCH.--The Union of Hearts does not seem to have spread as far as Limerick, if the meetings of the Limerick Rural Sanitary Board are any test. One member expressed an opinion that the Conservative Government would do as much for the labourers as the Whig Government had done.

Mr. M'MAHON.--We'll give them a chance.

Mr. M'INERNEY.--We have got very little out of the Liberal Government.

Mr. MORAN.--Bad is the best of them.

The discussion then ended.

This is unkind to Mr. MORLEY. Perhaps a stave of a popular Irish melody will run thus,--

Och, these dhrivellin' Saxon Governments, They dhroive us patriots mad! The worst of 'em's unspakable, And the best of 'em is bad!

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"A LITTLE MORE CIDER TOO."--"The National Association of Cider Makers," says the _Bristol Mercury_, "is taking energetic measures to ensure more attention being given to the cider competitions at agricultural shows." And it can't make its measures too energetic--not even if it turns an average consumption of a pint-measure into a quart. What beverage beats cider cup--unless it be perry cup? At present the only people at the shows who are allowed to taste the cider are the judges. But the public want to taste, too--give them a taste _of_ cider, and they'll get a taste _for_ it in no time. And rival makers want to taste each other's products, so as to make their own better. "Cider on tap" is the motto for the shows, and the West country will thus be given a deciderdly useful "leg-up."

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PUERIS REVERENTIA!--The advertisement question in tram-cars is "up" again before the Glasgow bailies. The Town Council has banished these disfigurements, but it seems there are still Philistine bodies who long for the good old flaring coloured-poster days. Witness this account of a recent meeting:--

Mr. BATTERSBY pointed out that a large revenue could be derived from advertisements on the cars, and he did not see why the committee should look over such a thing.

Bailie PATON said that personally he was dead against putting advertisements on the cars. If any necessity arose they had that source of revenue. He would not spoil the beautiful appearance of the cars by vulgarising them.

Mr. BATTERSBY.--That is all sentiment of a very puerile description.

Perhaps. But as there happens to be a large balance to the good on the working of the cars, why not allow the "puerile sentiment" to have play? We could do with a lot of this kind of puerility and sentimentality down south.

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GOOD OLD SAM!--Our belief even in the "respectability" of SAMUEL PEPYS is gone for ever. The Bright light recently thrown on him by the indefatigable MYNORS BRIGHT has done the trick. This skilled and uncompromising decipherer of the Pepysian shorthand will be remembered in connection with these volumes as "_Under_-MYNORS BRIGHT."

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APPROPRIATE SPOT FOR A PROVINCIAL BICYCLE CLUB.--Some Rural Wheellage in the Wheel'd of Kent.

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IN RE THE I. O. C. R. V. C.

The suggestions I was permitted to make on a recent occasion concerning the future of "the Devil's Own" having been productive of a perfect torrent of letters, I hope that I may be allowed to reply, before the commencement of the fast-approaching Long Vacation, through the columns of a paper that for more than half a century has been the recognised organ of the Bench, the Bar, and the other branch of the legal profession. First let me repudiate, with the scorn it justly merits, and indignation which has moved me to tears, the contention that in calling attention to the comparatively falling fortunes of the Inns of Court I was "making a bid for the chiefship of the battalion." Although willing (no doubt in common with every other Englishman of right feeling) to shed my blood to its last drop in defence of my country, I can see no possible good in accepting "the crown and star" of the I. O. C. R. V. C. No, I prefer the "stuff" of the ranks to the "silk" of command. So the forensic wag, who apparently found time during the pauses of a contested election in a wavering constituency to depict me as a colonel with PORTINGTON as my orderly, was at fault in his conclusions. His rough-and-ready pen-and-ink sketch, although strongly resembling Sir HENRY IRVING in the character of _Don Quixote_, was not without a certain rude kind of merit. When I inspect it (and probably I shall examine it frequently) I shall be reminded of the talents of one who, had he not been a "Q.C., M.P.," might have become the rival of ROWLANDSON, the peer of GILRAY, and the modern extinguisher of the less serious of the Old Masters of the sixteenth century. But to return more immediately to the subject of my correspondence.

"The Brightest Ornament of the British Bench" writes to me to say that he considers "The Brook Green Volunteer" was the precursor of the Inns of Court. I respectfully submit to his Lordship that he is in error. The Brook Green Volunteer was the solitary representative of his battalion. I am happy to be able to say that the "Devil's Own," although no doubt reduced in numbers, has never on parade presented so insignificant a "field state." Consequently, the statement that "the regiment is likely to diminish to its original proportions" is a prophecy founded upon a misunderstanding and nourished upon a fallacy.

The proposal of "One who bows daily to his Lordship during Term Time" is excellent. My correspondent suggests that the Junior Bar, not immediately concerned in the business of the Courts, should drill silently in open Court. Of late it has been ordained by the Red-book that commands may be conveyed by gesture. Thus, a Judge trying a case, by raising or depressing his arms, or clenching his fist, might cause the not-immediately-employed Bar to "turn" to the right or left, or even to "lie down." This last command might be deemed satisfied by the Wig-wearers "coming to the sitting posture smartly." At the close of the day's proceedings, his Lordship might raise his left arm to the height of his elbow, upon which the temporarily-unemployed might take up their dummy briefs, and hold them at "the recover." The hand of his Lordship brought towards the face, with the thumb pointing in the direction of the nose, might cause the juniors to "turn" right and left. "Then, when the senior usher raised both his arms towards the ceiling, the stuff-gownsmen might march to their front through the corridors until they dismissed without further gesture of command in the robing rooms." Altogether capital! "One who bows daily to his Lordship during Term Time" should publish his suggestions in pamphlet form, to be sold at the popular price of a penny.

"A Junior of Fifty Years' Standing" considers that no one should be admitted to an Inn of Court who was unwilling to join the "Devil's Own." He declares that he himself has done infinitely more work as a rifleman than as a counsel. "And yet," he adds, "I found the labour very light. I do not believe I attended more than one parade in the course of a year on the average." I may add, that possessing the name of "A Junior of Fifty Years' Standing," I can vouch for my learned friend's accuracy, eminence, and ability.

"A Judge who prefers Newmarket to the Law Courts," proposes that the corridors should be utilised as a drill-ground. "Let the Briefless Brigade drill therein during Term time, so that they may be ready to hand if needed." A very valuable suggestion.