Part 1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 109.

_August 10, 1895._

A PSALM OF AUGUST.

(_For the Circular Tourist_.)

Tell me not, in Summer numbers, "Holidays are but a dream!" If you hold that vacs are slumbers, Well--things are not what they seem.

COOK is real! GAZE is earnest! And the earth's end is their goal; "Bust" thou art, and "bust" returnest, Sing they to the tripper's soul.

Not enjoyment--rather, sorrow Greets the tourist on his way; His to toil, that each to-morrow Find him farther on his way.

Tours are long, and Time is fleeting, While we dire discomfort brave; In globe-trotting, record-beating, Pleasure surely finds its grave.

Let us, still, each town be "doing," Since "tow-rowing" is our fate-- Then, half-dead with guide-pursuing, Brag o'er those at home who wait!

* * * * *

"FORWOOD BOYS."--Sir ARTHUR FORWOOD, the new Baronet, observes the Day-by-Day-istical writer in the _Daily Telegraph_, "is not to be confounded with his brother, Sir WILLIAM FORWOOD." Why not? Why interfere with the liberty of speech on the part of some Radicals, who might say "Confound 'em both!" Or, in the words of the National Anthem, "Confound their politics."

* * * * *

OMITTED FROM THE GRACIOUS SPEECH OF H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES AT THE OPENING OF THE SOUTHAMPTON NEW DOCK.--"I appear here as the Judge, at whose word the prisoner is to be let into the dock, and, subsequently, let out again. Ladies and gentlemen, the prisoner is--the water." (_Cheers._)

* * * * *

* * * * *

JOEYING AT THE PRINCE OF WALES'S.

There have been JOES not a few on the stage. Coming down from the time of JOE GRIMALDI, we pass on the way _Joseph Andrews_, _Poll and Partner Joe_, _Poor Joe_ from _Bleak House_, and many other JOES until we come to _Gentleman Joe_, hansom cab-driver, played by ARTHUR ROBERTS. The question and answer in the old idiotic nigger song applies appropriately here, with slight adaptation:

What! _de_ JOE? Yes! _de_ JOE. Spruce JOE kicking up ahind and afore, KITTY LOFTUS playing up to Mister JOE.

And with the assistance of the always graceful PHYLLIS BROUGHTON--of whom _Gentleman Joe_ might have sung, but doesn't, "PHYLLIS is my only _Fare_"--aided also by the pretty-voiced LETTIE SEARLE, helped by the sprightly earnestness of Miss CLARA JECKS, who has turned over a new leaf and come out as a page, and kept moving by the dashing "go" of Miss SADIE JEROME (not at all a "sad eye" nor a "say die" sort of young lady) as _Lalage Potts_, this two-act musical farce, beginning as a kind of _High Life below Stairs_ and ending anyhow, offering, as it does, opportunities to Our Only ARTHUR for introducing into it any amount of "divarsion" in the way of new songs, eccentric speeches, nods, winks, becks, and wreathed smiles, may be continuing its successful career in the summer of '96, there being no apparent reason why its run should ever stop, that is as long as _Gentleman Arthur Joe Roberts_ handles the ribands as the popular _Cabbing-it Minister_.

* * * * *

A NEW TITLE.--Our GRACE, the cricketer, is not made a "Sir" or raised to a dukedom. There is, however, in view of present craze, a great chance for conferring the greater honour on a champion bicyclist. His title would be "The Duke of WHEELINGTON."

* * * * *

SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.

A DIVIDEND DESERVED.--The Glasgow Town Council has been running its own tram-cars for a year past, and has cleared more than £20,000 of profit for the citizens out of the business. There is huge rejoicing on the Clyde, and no wonder, as the result is due to sheer good management, without over-charging the public or over-driving the drivers. The Tramways Committee reports:--

Further, the Committee have given effect to what they believe to be the general feeling of the citizens--viz., that the cars, which necessarily form a notable feature of the streets of the city, should not only be tasteful in design and colour, and comfortable for passengers, but also that their general appearance should not be marred or their destinations obscured by advertisements.

Moral for many southern railway, tram, and omnibus companies--Go and do likewise! Moral for Glasgow citizens--Get carried over your tram-lines often enough, and you'll carry over a big dividend to decrease your next year's rates!

* * * * *

SUB-LIME!--This is how "business" is transacted by some of the Youghal Town Commissioners. The question was--who should supply them with lime!

_Mr. Kennedy._ I propose that thirty-nine barrels be bought and paid for.

_Mr. Loughlan._ I propose that he supply the lime at 1_s._ per barrel.

_Mr. Long_ (_warmly_). I say the Board can't do anything of the kind.

_Mr. Loughlan._ You'll get choked if you don't keep cool (_laughter_).

_Mr. Long_ (_excitedly_). Take care of your windpipe (_laughter_). I suppose he gave you a few good lumps of lime (_loud laughter_).

_Mr. Loughlan_ (_jumping up excitedly_). Now that is a gross insult.

_The Chairman._ Order, order, gentlemen.

Then Youghal's worried chairman raised a cry of "Order!"--when A lump of old white limestone took him in the abdomen; And he smiled a wan official smile and walked out at the door, And the tongues of LONG and LOUGHLAN interested him no more.

* * * * *

PORKERS AND PAUPERS.--Bath Workhouse pigs "live on the best of good cheer" in the form and substance of milk, so the municipal pork and rate-aided bacon ought to be prime. The _Bristol Mercury_ reports a meeting of the Bath guardians, when

Mr. MANCHIP called attention to the fact that some of the children did not even touch their milk gruel and dry bread which was served out for breakfast. On Friday morning when the visitors were at the Workhouse at seven o'clock two buckets of milk gruel were taken out to the pigs. Mr. MANCHIP proposed that the Medical Officer be asked if he would be good enough at his earliest convenience to consider whether a change could be made in the children's diet. The Chairman thought if the gruel was sweetened with a spoonful of treacle the children would then like it. It was agreed to give the Chairman's suggestion a fortnight's trial.

Congratulations to the Bath children on being e-manchip-ated from their old diet!

* * * * *

For securing "absolute impartiality" in conferring the prizes at the Llanelly National Eisteddfod, the judges had "a pit dug for them," into which they disappeared during the progress of competitions, so that participators could not "fix them with a glittering eye," and compel them (by hypnotic means) to award a prize. Sir JOSEPH BARNBY--warbling, _sotto voce_, "This is my time for disappearing"--greatly enjoyed these dives to the bottom of the well in search of Truth, and no doubt the novel departure "assisted" the blindness of Justice. But, so far as dignity is concerned, "Oh! the pit-y of it."

* * * * *

We read of a cooky at Claughton, In music she was a self-taught'un; But her mistress, I fear, Said 'twas nothing but beer

that caused her cook to vociferate hymns and, in her harmonious enthusiasm, to return home towards midnight and hammer loudly at the door. We know not whether this melodious _cuisinière's_ recipe for cleaning fire-irons "with a wet rag and a bucket of water" is to be found in Mrs. GLASSE'S _Art of Cookery_, but the learned Judge decided in favour of the mistress, against whom MARY ROGERS (a poetical name forsooth) brought an action for unjustifiable dismissal. Alas! poor cook. She must, henceforward, do her stewing without singing and her "mashes" without melody.

* * * * *

When Mr. HENRY MCCALMONT gives "receptions" they will be styled, not "_soirées_," but "After-Newnes."

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* * * * *

A SOLILOQUY IN ST. JAMES'S PARK.

(_By a Socialistic Loafer._)

Besoide the worter in Sin Jimes's Pork, I've stritched meself ter snooze hunder this ole tree-- But cawn't, fur all the keckle, screech, an' squork, From these yere ducks an' swans, an' sim'lar poultry!

Them fowls is kep' up orf the Nytion's fun's; If yer chucked stones at 'em there'd be a fuss mide; They're reg'lar bustin' with the kikes an' buns As they gits frowed by hevery kiddy's nuss-mide!

I'll lay a femily cud liv fur weeks On arf the screps them lyzy hoidle ducks re-jecks hevery hour, a-turnin' up their beaks, An' wallerin' in comfit an' in lux'ry!

Whoy should the loikes o' them 'ave hall the luck, Whoile sech as me----? It's skendalus, I s'y 'tis, That--jest becos I ain't a bloomin' duck-- Sercoiety don't grub and board me grytis!

Some d'y we'll mike hour vices 'eard, in 'owls O' ryge, an' s'y to--well, no matter _'oo_ it is-- "Ain't we more fit ter live nor worter-fowls? We're yumin beans--not feathered sooperflooities!"

I'd cop thet one jess waddlin' hup the grorss, An' twist 'is neck--'e's honly fit fur cookin'; I would, on _prinserple_, as bold as brorss-- If that there bloomin' Keeper wasn't lookin'!

* * * * *

"OH! LIZA."--Another subject for CHEVALIER. A special meeting was held in Liverpool to protest against the presence of Cockney costers who, it was asserted, seriously injured the business of Liverpudlian "market-tenants." Mr. WALKER (is he of the celebrated Hookey branch of the family?) averred that he had "seen a coster with his barrow standing before the LORD MAYOR'S shop for half-an-hour." Our sympathetic soul weeps at this gross injustice to the worthy syndic, and we trust it will not cost-er him too much. But, as the lawyer remarked, _de costibus non est disputandum_.

* * * * *

C. C. NEWS. LATEST (LAST THURSDAY) AS TO SCHOOL BOARD SQUABBLES.--Mr. BOWIE wanted to have his Bowie-knife into Mr. DIGGLE and others; but was prevented. A BOWIE, not very sharp and without point, is rather a useless weapon in a fight.

* * * * *

"WURM WURK!"--At Bexhill-on-Sea the "Improvement Committee"--(how wise of Bexhill-on-Sea to have instituted a permanent "Improvement Committee," otherwise it might become Bexhill-_at_-Sea!)--has engaged the exclusive services of Herr WURM and his band. New motto for this new watering-place, "The Early Beaks-'ll catch the Wurm." The musical _pabulum_ here provided will be known as "the Diet of Wurm's." Band to play during every meal. Likewise "Wurm Baths" with music. The eminent conductor will Wurm himself into favour with everyone.

* * * * *

The _Daily Telegraph_ notifies a novelty in return tickets introduced by the South London Electric Railway. "The return half of the ticket is usable at any time." The idea being not "Go as you please," but "Go as we (the Co.) please, and come back as you like."

* * * * *

* * * * *

LA GÉOGRAPHIE DE LONDRES.

_À Monsieur Punch._

MONSIEUR,--_Je viens d'arriver_--but hold! I go to write in english, which I know enough well. I am come to London to this Congress of Geographs. I cross the Sleeve--_la Manche_, how say you? Ah _la douleureuse traversée_, the dolorous traversy! In fine, the train arrives at a station. I seek, I regard, I read the soap, the mustard, the other _réclames_--how say you?--but not the name of the station. Then a cry, "Londonbridg!" Ah, it is the station of London! _Sapristi_, how she is little this station! _La gare de Londres_ no more great than a station of _banlieue_, near to Paris. Eh well, I descend immediately. I seek my baggages, I go to find a _fiacre_, a "ansom." Then in English I say to the coacher, "George Street, Number Forty." "Olraïttseu," say he. What is this that this is that that? I comprehend not. But all of same I mount in carriage and we part.

Soon we arrive. Hold! This is a street of commerce; there is there but offices. And not of number forty.

"Nottir, maounsiah?" say the coacher. Ah, I comprehend! "No," say I, "not here." "Minnoriss," say he. "How?" say I; but we are in road. Hold! Again a street of commerce--but of the most villain. I anger myself. I cry, "Coacher, I have said you George Street." "Olraïtt, maounsiah," say he, "this is George Street." "Not here," I respond. "Is there two George Streets?" Then he swear, he laugh; he ask that he may be blown; he say more, that I comprehend not. In fine, he say, "Taoua Ill." Again a George Street. But here some warehouses only. Then the coacher say, "Shoditch," and we go. Again a George Street! Still more small! Again one time I anger myself. I ask to him, "Where go you?" He say, "Which George Street is it?" I say, "George Street, London." Then he laugh again, and he swear; and he say, "Ollaouai." Again a George Street! _Tiens, c'est embêtant!_ But it is but a street of commerce, and very little. "Islingtonn," say he. What! again a George Street? _Sapristi! Quelle ville!_ If they love the name of George, these English! But, no, still a poor little street. "Blakfraïahs," say the coacher. We traverse some streets, some streets, without end! In fine, see there number forty. But it is a little shop. _Mille tonnerres! Pas encore!_ "Youstonn Road," say he. Again some streets, some streets, without end! And again a street of commerce. And again the number forty is a shop! _Sacré nom d'une pipe!_ "Lissn Grov," say he. Again some _kilomètres_ to traverse. What! Again a George Street? How many of them is there, of these George Streets? And again, as you say in english, "No go." But all of same we go, for the coacher say "Manshestasquaiah." I shut myself the eyes, and I repose myself.

Ah, that values better! In fine, a better street. And see, there number forty! What joy! In fine, I arrive. How it is fatiguing, this course in London, long of three hours or more! I descend. I demand my friend. What? He live not here? He is gone? _A la bonne heure!_ "One more," say the coacher. "What," I cry, "again a George Street?" "Yess, maounsiah, Annovasquaiah." Then this one is not the house of my friend, this one is not the George Street that I seek! _Que le diable enlève_----

But we continue, we arrive, in fine, it is here. All exhausted I descend. How much pays one the course in London? In Paris it is 1·50. Ah! in London it must be one shilling and half. This one has been a long course; I go to give a good _pourboire_, one shilling. I offer to the cabman two shillings and half. Then he cry, he swear, he descend, he wish to fight me. I say, "It is not enough? How much?" He say, "Tenbobb." What is this that this is that that? In fine, my friends come from the house, they explain that that wishes to say, "Ten shillings," they say he has reason, and I pay him. It costs dear the cab of London. But it is equal to me, for now I go to pronounce a discourse before the Geographical Congress on the George Streets of London. He will be of the most interestings, of the most curious. I beg you, Mister _Punch_, to make me the honour of to come to hear him, and to agree the assurance of my sentiments the most distinguished.

AUGUSTE.

* * * * *

THE POLITICAL UGLY DUCKLING.

(_Fragments of a Brummagem Fairy Tale._)

It was in a big town in the Midlands that the Ugly Duckling first chipped shell. "_Cheek! Cheek! Cheek!_" squeaked the youngster as he crept out. How big and ugly he was, to be sure! Not a bit like the other ducklings. In fact he was a portent, and a puzzle.

However, the ugly, grey-coated youngster, took to the water, and swam about like the rest. "He's every inch my own child, after all," said the old duck. "And really he's very pretty, when one comes to look at him attentively. Quack! quack!" added she; "now, come along, and I'll take you into high society. Now move on, and mind you cackle properly, and bow your head before that old duck yonder, who is the noblest born of them all. Now bend your neck, and say 'Quack!'"

But the Ugly Duckling was an odd bird, as well as an ill-favoured one, and gave much trouble and excited much jealousy in the duck-yard. He quacked indeed, but he would not bend his head or bow to the old duck properly.

"He remained too long in the egg-shell," mused the maternal bird; "and therefore his figure, like his manners, is not properly formed on the true duck model. But as he's a male duck it won't matter so much. I think he'll prove strong, and be able to fight his way through the world." Which was true.

But at first the Ugly Duckling had a baddish time of it. He was bitten, pushed about, and made game of, not only by the ducks, but by the hens. They all declared he was much too big, and fancied himself too much. He certainly was not graceful, and he had a cocky, self-assertive air which irritated the Conservative Old Cockalorums. He was always making unexpected and unducklike sorties, "alarums and excursions," and lifting up his raucus-caucus voice against the time-honoured rules and respectable conventions of the duck-pond. So much so, that they nicknamed him the "Daring Duckling," and prophesied that he would come to a bad end.

So he ran away, and flew over the palings.

He had many adventures, and various. He dwelt for a time with a lot of wild ducks in a marsh, and even struck up a sort of friendship for a swarm of wild geese, who wanted to do away with domestication and destroy the "tame villatic" tendencies of gregarious goosedom, and abolish barn-yards and duck-ponds, peacocks, and game-fowls, and guinea-hens, and poulterer's shops, and _pâté de foie gras_, and other checks on liberty and incentives to luxury. But somehow he didn't get on with the wild ducks for long. He was so much wilder than they, and wanted his own way too much and too often for the old and recognised leaders of their flocks. And as to the wild geese, why he soon lost sympathy with their "revolutionary programmes" and "subversive schemes," which he learned to regard indeed as a sort of wild goose chase, and deride and denounce as vehemently as he had aforetime praised them.

"I think I'll take my chance, and go abroad into the wide world," said the Duckling.

One evening, just as the sun was setting, there came a whole flock of beautiful large birds from a grove. The Ugly Duckling had never seen any so lovely before. They were dazzlingly white, with long graceful necks: they were swans. They uttered a peculiar cry, and then spread their magnificent wings and away they flew from this cold country to warmer lands across the open sea, as was their usual custom. They rose so high that the Ugly Duckling felt a strange sensation come over him, a sort of delicious vertigo. He turned round and round in the water like a wheel, stretched his neck up into the air toward them, and uttered so loud and strange a cry that he was frightened at it himself. Oh! never could he again forget those beautiful, happy birds, so gracefully fleeting against a primrose sky. He knew not how those birds were called, nor whither they were bound, but he felt an affection for them, such as he had never yet experienced for any living creature. And he more and more lost love for, and patience with, all his old associates, ducks or geese, wild or domesticated.

The Ugly Duckling now felt able to flap his wings. They rustled much louder than before, and bore him away most sturdily; and before long he found himself in a noble park, a nobleman's park; indeed, the dainty demesne of one of those who "toil not neither do they spin." It was quite Beaconsfieldian in its beauty, with its smooth emerald sward and umbrageous elm-avenues, its dusky cedar clumps and tail-spreading, crest-sunning peacocks.

"Dear me!" mused the Ugly Duckling. "It is strange, but _I feel quite at home here!!!_"

Three magnificent white swans now emerged from the thicket before him; they flapped their wings and then swam lightly on the surface of the water. The larger one (whose beak bore the letter S as a "nick") was dark and haughty of mien, the second (whose beak was branded B) was slim and exceeding graceful; whilst the third, a solid and even rather sullen-looking bird, was beak-stamped with a legible D.

"I will fly towards these royal birds," cried the Ugly Duckling. And he flew into the water, and swam towards those stately swans, who turned to meet him with sail-like wings the moment they saw him.

"Why, he is one of us!" said the darker and statelier of the three. "Almost!" he added, _sotto voce_.

The Ugly Duckling was startled at the remark. But looking at his reflection in the smooth lake he was more startled still. His own image was to his eyes no longer that of the Daring Duckling, much less of the Ugly One. It was smart, smooth, sleek, swelling, in fact swan-like!!! At any rate, he thought so, and so, indeed, the other three swans seemed to think.

He preened his feathers, and puffed forth his plumes. He flapped his wings, and arched his neck, as he cried in the fullness of his heart:--

"I never dreamed of such happiness when I was the Brummagem Ugly Duckling."

It matters not being born in a duck-yard if one is hatched from a swan's egg!

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

_In Leisure Time_, by W. S. MAVOR (ELLIOT STOCK) is, so my Baronite reports, a daintily-bound little volume of blameless verse, unambitious, as may be inferred from its title. The author writes like a classical scholar, his lines are fluent and melodious, his metre and rhyme unimpeachable, while some of the poems, such as "Zaleucus" and "A Vision," rise distinctly above the general level. In others there are passages which my Baronite--a sadly prosaic and matter-of-fact person--owns to having found slightly obscure.

For example, in the following couplet:--

"In vain the fickle demon sports With fetid remnants of decay."

He quite failed to discover what particular--or rather anything _but_ particular--demon is referred to, or why he should amuse himself in so eccentric and unpleasant a manner.

Nor, my Baronite says, was his conception of contentment greatly assisted by this somewhat complicated comparison:--

"Contentment is a love-commissioned barque Sailing a self-less sea--a sea whose flood Is ordered alway by the laughing guns Of Virtue's fortalice, whose armament, Primed with rose-petal powder, doth discharge In generous rounds of sympathy with all, Scattering happiness, whose smile betrays The pangless hurt."

But that, he is quite willing to admit, may be rather the fault of his own imagination than the poet's. Again, in a poem entitled "Love's Messengers," the author writes:--

"Flit thou along on softly feathered feet, Noiseless, thou shadowy-pinioned minister, And gently fan, _with midnight gale_, my sweet, Lest thou awaken her."