Part 2

You bring me back old scenes anew, You've something of my lady's grace, Of her sweet features just a trace, And so I have re-christened you-- I won't say what--you pretty face!

I have no portrait to recall The sweetest of all maids to me, Nor have I need of one at all, Yet, seeing you upon my wall, By pleasing "make-believe" I see Her pretty face!

* * * * *

BABY'S DIARY.

["The Nursery Tricycle contains two seats, one for the mistress and one for the maid and her charge, and has two pairs of pedals."--_Daily Paper._]

This is rather fun! Ever so much better than those crawling old mail-carts and perambulators. Wonder mother and nurse never thought of it before. A pneumatic tandem, too, I notice. Hope they understand blowing tire up again when it bursts.

Nurse a duffer at pedalling. A mere passenger! Have to keep her up to the mark by crying. Frightened a pony in a trap. Sarcastic driver said, "_You_ don't want a bell to _your_ machine with that child yelling like a tom-cat on fire." Gives me a hint--I must see how our cat _does_ yell when it's on fire.

Really, I never saw such steering! Mother has just run us into a brick wall. Disgraceful! Why wasn't she taught tricycling when she was young? Her education has certainly been horribly neglected.

Why should I sit in the middle, though? Can't see the country properly. Make another protest--louder, if possible. Passing pedestrian observes, "You should call your machine a crycycle, not a tricycle." Put out my tongue at him. Nurse offers to give me a "pick-a-back"; says she can pedal too! The old humbug! Scratch her face. Mother offers me a seat on front handle. Not half bad.

Fresh air makes one uncommonly hungry. Time for my bottle. Insist on my outriders stopping at a public for milk. Find the pony, trap, and sarcastic driver stopping there too. Latter says to Mother, "So you've brought the infant phenomenon with you, Ma'am!" Wonder what he means. He adds something about a "fog-horn." Rude, I fancy.

Back homewards. Awfully sleepy after that milk. Curious milk. Perhaps sarcastic person drugged it to quiet me? Fast asleep. Wakened by crash! Stars! Oh, _what_ is it? Try to yell--can't--mouth full of something.

Later. In my cot, thank Heaven! Heard doctor say, "Severe shock, but no bones broken." Awful headache. Seems that break went wrong going down-hill. Well, no "safety tandem" for _me_ again--can't _stand 'em_, myself, not being in favour of infanticide. Give _me_ a good old mail cart!

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* * * * *

JOHN STANDS ALOOF.

(SHIMONOSEKI, 1895.)

["Circumstances might arise, of course, in which we should feel called upon to safeguard our interests, but so far we discern no adequate ground for interference."--_The "Times" on the Joint Protest of Russia, France and Germany against the annexation portion of the Treaty of Shimonoseki._]

AIR--"_The Heathen Chinee._"

JOHN BULL _sings:_--

I stand by, and I mark, And I see some things plain; And the looks that are dark At the JAP'S game, and gain, From that Heathen Chinee, are peculiar; But aloof _I_'m content to remain!

AH SIN at the game Thought him chipper and spry; But he's "spoofed" all the same-- (Whatsome'er _that_ imply)-- And his smile is less pensive and childlike Than when he once played with BILL NYE.

Little JAP _looked_ absurd-- As regarding mere size-- And some people inferred He was feeble likewise; Yet he's played it this time upon JOHNNY In a way it's scarce safe to despise.

In the saffron pair's game I did not take a hand. Some conceived that the same JAP did not understand; But his grin somehow soon turned the tables On "the smile that was childlike and bland."

'Tis a theme for BRET HARTE, P'raps he only could show The artful JAP'S art-- If I may put it so-- In a way which is worthy the subject. But _me_ interfere, gents? Why, no!

If JAP'S cards had been stocked-- Which I do not believe-- Had our feelings been shocked By the state of JAP'S sleeve; We might have had reason for charging The same with intent to deceive.

But the hands he has played With that Heathen Chinee, And the points he has made, Are, as far as I see, The result of good play _plus_ good fortune; And _does_ it concern you or me?

The Russ standing by Turned his glance upon me. (For the JAP'S pile _was_ high.) And he hissed, "Shall this be? Must I have this smart JAP for a neighbour? Shall _he_ clear out the Heathen Chinee?"

Swarthy FRANÇOIS looked glum, Ginger HANS rubbed his chin: But I smoked and stood mum, As the JAP raked the tin. Then I says, "He's played fairly and squarely. So what call have _we_ to cut in?

"In the game, as you know, You would not take a hand, But a short while ago; So let JAPPY now land The stakes, and AH SIN take his hiding At the game his foe _does_ understand.

"JOHNNY thought himself strong At that game; but the facts Seem to prove he was wrong; And unwisely he acts In howling at getting in warfare What's frequent in warfare--that's whacks!

"Which is why I remark, And my purpose is plain, That looks that are dark At the JAPPY are vain. And, although you may think me peculiar, Aloof--for the time--I remain!"

* * * * *

SOMETHING IN THE WAY OF "GREAT EXPECTATIONS."--When JABEZ S. BALFOUR arrives, no doubt his first visit will be to the editor of the _Penny Illustrated Paper_, in which paper appeared the portrait of him as "Mayor of CROYDON," wearing his chain of office--alas! the chain!--that led directly to his identification and arrest. The photograph was taken first and JABEZ was taken afterwards. Will JABEZ S. BALFOUR call in at the office of the _P. I. P._ and say, with _Joe Gargery_, "Ever the best of friends, ain't us, _P. I. P._?" Not quite likely.

* * * * *

PROPOSED CHANGE OF NAME.--If Sir WHITTAKER ELLIS agrees to the scheme for adding Bute House Estate--a Bute-iful property--to Richmond Park, thus preserving it from the builders, then will he be gratefully remembered as "WISEACRE ELLIS."

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"BAR GOLD."--Fees to barristers.

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* * * * *

REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF SAGACITY IN GROUSE.

To _The Field_ of April 20, Mr. FREDERICK MILBANK wrote about the "Monument to a Grouse Shooter" on Wimmergill Moor. Mr. MILBANK considered the number of grouse he had bagged as constituting a "record," and so caused a monument to be erected on the spot sacred to the memory of four thousand brace of grouse shot in six days by five guns with one extra gun on the sixth day. The monument, being erected, _scared the grouse away_. Of course they read the sad story, held a council, and decided that as long as F. A. MILBANK was anywhere about, within shot, they would preserve themselves by avoiding him. Subsequently the monument was removed to Bamingham in North Yorkshire. But the North Yorkshire birds are quite indifferent to this tale from The Hills. They wink the other eye, that is until such time as FREDERICK A. MILBANK shall show them the sort of gun _he_ is, and then they'll be sorry for not having taken warning earlier, unless they possess the sagacity of the grouse of Wimmergill, which resembles that of _Mr. Jingle's_ dog, who read the inscription on the board, "Gamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclosure," and "wouldn't pass it." "Singular circumstance that," said _Mr. Pickwick_. "Will you allow me to make a note of it?"

* * * * *

THE MODERN BUYER:

GROWLS OF MODERN "MASTERS."

_Royal Academy, Burlington House, May 3, 1895._

The "Old Masters" over, the New make a start. Another year's past and another year's come; And Fame blows a blast on her trumpet, and Art Beats her drum!

"Walk Up!!" An example is set by the Court; And Society hastens--a feverish throng; A mere glance at the pictures, for life is but short-- And Art's long!

Three artists looked on with a cynical smile-- One needy Outsider, and two rich R.A.'s (Both walking on velvet, because of the pile They could raise).

They discussed the "Art Patron"--in all of that crowd An _avis_ that's _rara_ and _rara_ each year. And these are the words that they spoke, and allowed Me to hear:--

_First R.A._

"Now, to none do I yield in my love of VANDYCK-- I adore the Italians--bow down to the Dutch; VELASQUEZ I worship, and GOYA I like Very much.

"But alas! for the SHEEPSHANKS and VERNONS of old-- For the HILLS and the rest of a connoisseur race! Old MECÆNAS has gone; and investors of gold Take his place."

_Second R.A._

"'Old Masters' they buy--any ancient design-- Eighteen-thirty or so is the latest they'll own; None but 'made reputations'--no work, howe'er fine, If unknown."

_Outsider._

"Their Art's in their bankers'-books, not in their eyes To encourage the artist is none of their plan; They seek an investment that's likely to rise-- To a man.

"Do they think that fine art nowhere else can be seen But in saint that is squint-eyed, or boor that is drunk, In brown tree, Dutch canal, man with ruff, or the lean Spanish monk?"

_Second R.A._

"Just reflect to what artists of old had been brought (Such as REYNOLDS, or RAPHAEL, or PHIDIAS the Greek) Had their patrons informed them they meant to buy nought But antique!"

_Outsider._

"Then, _our_ drawing is better--our atmosphere too. _Plein air_ was ignored, or they voted it vice. As to '_values_,' 'twas little they thought of or knew-- Save of price."

_First R.A._

"When men buy modern art, they buy Leightons and Moores And Sargents and Swans and the rest of our lot; But as to their _knowledge_--like mine or like yours-- Tommy rot!"

_Second R.A._

"Do you think they appreciate LEWIS'S skies-- Do they care if they're worked up in stipple or wash? Do you think it's the _Art_ (not the money) they prize? Simply bosh!"

_Outsider._

"No. They judge not by Art--they judge only by fame; And the artist may starve on his poor pallet-bed; But their hundreds and thousands they shower on his name When he's dead!--

"When the two Greatest Masters--Old Varnish and Time-- To his work superficial beauties have lent, Lo behold, they appreciate! Be it so. _I'm_ Quite content."

* * * * *

* * * * *

A FRIEND AT A PINCH.

(_An Utterly Impossible Incident that will never be "Reported."_)

SCENE--_A Court of Law. Experienced Counsel arguing a point in the teeth of his Lordship on the Bench._

_His Lordship_ (_angrily_). No, Mr. BANDS, I really cannot agree with you. It seems to me that you are merely wasting our time, and no doubt your own.

_Experienced Counsel_ (_politely_). Not at all, my Lord. I scarcely venture to urge the great importance of the matter to my client.

_His Lordship._ No doubt; and your client showed excellent judgment in entrusting his interests to your hands. Still law is law, and can never be anything else.

_Exp. C._ Your Lordship is most kind. But my point, my Lord, is so plain--the matter is so clear. Surely your Lordship must see it.

_His Lordship_ (_with much irony_). It is my fault, no doubt, Mr. BANDS, but as matter of fact your point is absolutely lost to me. I confess I cannot see it at all.

_Exp. C._ I would not propose for a moment that your Lordship's judgment is at fault. But I would venture to suggest that the atmosphere of the Court is sufficiently dense to cloud the clearest and most brilliant intellect.

_His Lordship_ (_mollified_). There is a good deal in what you say, Mr. BANDS, but of course, we must put up with it. There is no remedy.

_Exp. C._ With every possible respect to the Bench, my Lord, I would humbly suggest that there is a remedy.

_His Lordship._ Can you quote a case?

_Exp. C._ I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion.

_His Lordship._ Has it been reported?

_Exp. C._ Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the Reports of the Hardwicke Society. Lord Chief Justice RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN has laid it down that snuff is a most valuable assistance to the proper dispensation of justice. His Lordship has declared that the inhaling of prepared tobacco through the nostrils "clears the judicial brain, predisposes it to calmness and impartiality, and enables a learned judge to listen with patience to the most fluent and prolific of forensic orators." If your Lordship pleases.

[_Offers snuff-box to the Judge._

_His Lordship_ (_after taking a pinch_). Well, certainly the point you have raised seems clearer to me than it did. (_After a few moments of consideration._) I will reserve the case for further consideration, and will deliver judgment later.

_Exp. C._ As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the usher to hand my authorities to your Lordship.

_His Lordship_ (_receiving snuff-box_). You are very good. I will not overlook their assistance in coming to a conclusion. I hope the occasion may never arise when I might be compelled, as the vulgar tongue expresses it, to "give you snuff."

[_Scene closes upon mutual courtesies._

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, April 22._--Easter holidays over; school back; new master in charge; process of installation a little lacking in pomp and circumstance. This due in large measure to incidence of holiday. At Westminster, as at other schools, boys don't insist, _vi et armis_, on returning on the opening day. Wide gaps on most of the benches; Front Opposition Bench a wilderness. PRINCE ARTHUR and all his merrie men abstained from lending to installation of new Speaker the grace and comfort of their presence.

"It is quite true, dear boy," PRINCE ARTHUR said, when I gently hinted that the Leader of Opposition should have been present on such occasion, "that when our man was defeated I said, Mr. WILLIAM COURT GULLY having been elected by a majority of the House, is representative of the whole House. But it's a long name, you know, and in ordinary practice I must stop short at WILLIAM. You can't expect me to COURT GULLY."

Amid depressing circumstances as far as attendance went, new Speaker bore himself faultlessly. Quick-change process watched with breathless interest from Ladies' Gallery. First, Speaker-Elect, preceded by Mace, entered, attired in Court dress with close-fitting bob-wig. At summons of Black Rod, proceeded to House of Lords; placed at Bar in custody of Black Rod and Sergeant-at-Arms; not even "accommodated with a chair." There to receive HER MAJESTY'S sanction of choice of Speaker made by Commons. Happened that the QUEEN couldn't come. One of the cloaked and wigged figures on Woolsack mentioned the matter in charmingly casual way.

"It not being convenient for HER MAJESTY to be personally present at this time," said a voice which bewrayed the LORD CHANCELLOR, "a Commission has been issued under the Grand Seal empowering the Lords named therein to convey Royal Assent to Commons' selection of Speaker."

LORD CHANCELLOR quite friendly with Speaker-Elect, whom he familiarly addressed as "Mr. GULLY." Spoke highly of his talents, diligence, and sufficiency to fulfil important duties to which it had pleased majority of Commons to call him. Said he had made it all right with the QUEEN, and that WILLIAM COURT might go back to Commons, and get about his business. SPEAKER, not to be outdone in geniality, begged his anonymous friend, one of five muffled up in scarlet gowns, in the event of any mess being made with matters in the other House, to impute the blame to him alone, and let the other fellows go scot-free.

Amongst crowd of Commoners clustered behind SPEAKER there was scarcely a dry eye when this noble sentiment was uttered.

"Solong!" said the voice that was certainly the LORD CHANCELLOR'S. Taking this as hint to retire, SPEAKER withdrew from the Bar, and left the House "Without a stain on his character," as the Earl of CORK and ORRERY handsomely said. Returned to Commons in procession, with Mace lightly but firmly carried by Sergeant-at-Arms. Instead of taking Chair, marched round by passage to the rear, disappeared from view. Consternation in Strangers' Gallery.

"He's bolted!" one gentleman whispered to his neighbour. "Funked it when the music stopped and he came to the hosses."

After few moments of growing uneasiness, a fine figure, in full-bottomed wig, silken gown, beneath which silver-buckled shoes shimmered, emerged from behind SPEAKER'S Chair, and seated itself in it. "Order! Order!" said a full, pleasant voice; and WILLIAM COURT GULLY entered upon what promises to be a prosperous and distinguished career.

SARK tells me that, on going into Committee of Supply, he intends to move that henceforward the gallery over the Clock facing the Chair shall be called "The Speaker's Gullery." SARK always thinks of the right thing at the right time.

_Business done._--New Speaker installed.

_Tuesday._--The Order by which Ministers took Tuesdays having lapsed, private Members to-night came into their own again. Always stoutly resist incursion of greedy Governments on their small possessions. Might reasonably be supposed that, having come into their inheritance, would have made most of it. Lots of things to do to-night. Several resolutions on paper, with Orders of Day to follow. What happened was that by a quarter to nine enthusiasm finally evaporated; count called; only thirty-seven Members responded; lights forthwith put out.

Opening debate on Charity Commission certainly a little heavy. Every Member who got his chance felt it incumbent on him to speak for at least half an hour. Some considerably exceeded this limit.

"_Parturiunt montes_," said HERBERT MAXWELL, wearily looking round as GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN followed JOHN ELLIS and JESSE COLLINGS succeeded FRANCIS STEVENSON; "_nascitur ridiculus mus_."

And so it was. Particular mountain at work when the mouse appeared was J. W. LOWTHER. Mouse entered from behind SPEAKER'S Chair; leisurely proceeded along passage between Front Opposition Bench and table at which J. W. was speaking disrespectfully of JESSE COLLINGS. Halted by PRINCE ARTHUR'S empty seat; nibbled fibre of matting in remonstrance at his absence; passed round fearlessly by J. W.'s heels; sat for moment in full view of House listening attentively to J. W.'s argument; yawned and sauntered back the way it came. Interest in debate evidently keener than that of average Member. As soon as ACLAND'S voice reverberated through almost empty Chamber, mouse observed strolling back along familiar way; took its seat on floor under shadow of Mace in defiance of all Parliamentary rule; followed ACLAND'S argument with evidently keen interest. Interrupted by approach of RICHARD TEMPLE. Quickly looking up and catching sight of his stately figure bowing to SPEAKER, mouse fled like the wind, in its terror making off by Treasury Bench, finally escaping by another exit.

"_Cogitato_" said HERBERT MAXWELL, who breakfasts every morning off a plate of porridge and a page of PLAUTUS,--

"Cogitato, mus pusillus quam sit sapiens bestia, Ætatem qui uni cubili nunquam committit suam."

_Business done._--Pension of £4,000 a year voted to ARTHUR WELLESLEY PEEL, late Speaker.

_Thursday._--All very well for gay young Irish baronet like ESMONDE to champion cause of errant Queens throned in summer seas. Expected other things from THE MACGREGOR. House quite shocked when he interposed just now. ESMONDE asked EDWARD GREY whether Government could do anything to obtain proper treatment for Queen of Hawaii. Before Under Secretary could reply, THE MACGREGOR, suddenly leaping across dyke as it were, interposed. "As I happen to know the lady who was formerly Queen of Hawaii," said THE MACGREGOR, and so proceeded to back up ESMONDE'S plea. Offhand way in which reference was made suggested illimitable possibilities, THE MACGREGOR just "happened to know" this Queen, probably one of a bevy. On some quiet night House might hope to hear paper read by THE MACGREGOR on "Queens I Have Known."

SARK curiously anxious as to where the acquaintance was made, and how it was nurtured. Did THE MACGREGOR vaccinate Her Majesty whilst he, still in public capacity, sojourned at Penrith? Was she an inmate of Peebles Hydropathic Institute what time he was resident physician? or did he minister to her at the Barnhill Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow, of which, before he took to Imperial politics, he was superintendent? Pleasanter still to think of THE MACGREGOR and the Queen with the musical name wandering hand in hand amid the orange groves of sea-girt Hawaii, breakfasting on the bountiful bread-fruit, lunching off the succulent yam. Did he in those days call her so much as LILIUOKALANI? or did he venture on the diminutive LILI? SARK had better give notice of these questions. _Business done._--Fresh Ministerial Bills brought in with both hands.

_Friday._--Another private Members' night, and, by consequence, another count out. Things kept going till a quarter to eight, but only with utmost difficulty. Members consented to stay in prospect of division on ALBERT ROLLIT'S motion protesting against exemption of Government property from rating. But they would not longer linger. When LUBBOCK followed, with proposal of pleasant chat about London's share of imperial contribution to local purposes, the few remaining Members, vainly trying to look as if they'd be "back in ten minutes," walked out. House counted; only twenty-five present, and so home to dinner.

"Yes, yes," said WALTER LONG, left in charge of Front Opposition Bench, "but this won't prevent us on Monday, when SQUIRE OF MALWOOD proposes to take Tuesday and Friday mornings for public business, stubbornly resisting piratical incursion on the rights of private Members. Whatever we are, let us be logical."

_Business done._--Ministerial defeat on ROLLIT'S amendment averted by majority of one.

* * * * *

THE BATTLE OF EASTBOURNE.

Natis in usum lætitiæ rosis Pugnare Eastbourni est.

HORACE (_slightly emended_).