Part 2

Having satisfactorily explained how it came that I was on the Downs when, by a not unnatural coincidence, the Derby was decided, I proceed to consider the question that has been propounded to me. Is sporting speculative finance illegal? It is not a matter that can be decided off-hand. One must be careful not to interfere with the policy of trade, and do nothing to impede the development of honest industry. I am asked by a correspondent, who dates "From Sheffield," if there is anything undignified in his appearing as a "bookie" in a pink velvet coat, a yellow slouch hat, with blue feathers, and black leather knickerbockers. I can see no objection to a tradesman wearing any costume he determines to select. It would perhaps be as well not to attempt to disguise his features, as the operation might savour of secrecy, the chief element of fraud. This limitation of course does not apply to an auctioneer, who, having his name and address displayed on a board hanging on the rostrum he occupies, can legally carry on his business, if it so pleases him, in a false nose, a comic wig, and a pair of green spectacles.

But really, a consideration of the costume of the "bookie" merely reaches the fringe of the subject. The real point at issue is this--Is betting legal or illegal? It is hard to say. That a bet made on the racecourse is recoverable is questionable. Suppose that A is prepared to give odds against _The Earl's Choice_ (the favourite, quoted officially at 2 to 1) at the rate of five shillings against one thousand pounds sterling. Presume that B agrees to the wager and _The Earl's Choice_ wins. B naturally asks for the immediate payment by A of one thousand pounds sterling. A declines. Has B any remedy against A? I am afraid that the Court (although allowing costs on the higher scale) would not assist the plaintiff in making good his claim. However, it would be possible for B to represent to the other side that the conduct of A was of a character warranting chronic detention in a lunatic asylum. If this suggestion were adopted with the necessary discretion, I have no doubt that a compromise satisfactory to B would eventually be the outcome of the negotiations.

However, although I am a little uncertain about other bets, I have no doubt in my own mind that coach sweepstakes under certain circumstances should be discouraged. I do not wish to rely upon case law, but would rather appeal to that honest, manly feeling that is (so I have been given to understand) the birthright of every Englishman. When all Nature is smiling, and man (smoking a three-shilling cigar) is at rest, why trouble about mounts and starters and blanks?

I have in my mind at this moment the drawing of a certain sweepstakes. An eminent counsel (I will not mention his name), was present and drew a blank. On his behalf I appeal for a revision, a reversal of judgment. Do not let there be a mixture of the glories of Nature with the ups and down of sporting speculative practice. Let those who took part in that sweep--winners and losers alike--return their stakes. I will hold them on the general behalf. Then when I have received the cash as trustee I will find out that eminent counsel and place the money in his hands. I have nothing more to add, save to set forth as a guarantee of good faith my signature warranted by my address.

A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.

_Pump-handle Court, June_ 1, 1895.

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OH, MY PROPHETIC SOUL, MY PUNCHIUS!

["_Punch_ made a great hit" (in his last Cartoon "A Doubtful Stayer"), "and will probably take credit to himself for having been one of the very few who 'tipped' _Sir Visto_ for the Derby."--_Leeds Mercury._]

Thanks, Mercury, thanks! Acclaim from all ranks Declares _Mr. Punch_ is _the_ prophet to follow. The Public rejoices, and Mercury voices The popular praise due to Punchius Apollo. The oracular god, with a genial nod, Admits that he knew it, foresaw it, and _said_ it! But oh, deary, deary! His pen it would weary If for all his successful straight tips he "took credit." At Delphi of old they _sometimes_ hit the gold; _Punch's_ oracles nought to equivocal mist owe. No riddle or rebus contents the new Phoebus, So all wise men twigged when he tipped 'em _Sir Visto!_

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

The particular Baronitess to whom the Baron handed over _The Holy Estate_ (a novel in three volumes, by two authors, W. H. WILKINS and FRANK THATCHER, published by HUTCHINSON & CO.), says that in explanation it is called by its authors "a study in morals," but where the morals come in or come out it would be difficult to say. Apparently, in the majority of the characters, there is a singular lack of any virtuous quality. A young innocent girl marries a gay soldier and goes out to India. Here she finds herself placed in a land where principles are decidedly at a discount. Her husband turns out, to put it mildly, a blackguard (with a big, big "B"), and his friends are of the same fascinating type. In a typical, melodramatic, "Adelphi villain," there is something almost wholesome as compared with the modern bad man of "_Yellow-Book_" fiction, who is simply revolting. [By the way, interpolates the Baron, the latest _Yellow Book_ is comparatively quite decorous and without an Aubrey-Beardsley illustration!!] Of course, the hero and heroine of _The Holy Estate_ have to pass through the fiery ordeal of Indian Society; how they come out of it the reader may discover. But as pessimism is the artistic order of the day, they are not allowed to finish well and "live happy ever afterwards." My Baronitess adds, with a frown, "It cannot be called pleasant reading, nor is there in it any sign of the genius of a DAUDET or a ZOLA which might be accepted as, in some sort, a literary excuse for its being brought into existence."

(Signed) THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

As Broad as Long.

_First Critic._ Shortness now rules in Novel and in Song, Which, like men's clothes, are cut and made to order.

_Second Critic._ It may be Tale and Lay are now less long, But they make up for it by growing broader.

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SPORTING PARADOX.--ROSEBERY was more of a "favourite" when he was an "outsider." Perhaps, like his _Sir Visto_, when an outsider again--which he seems likely soon to be--he will be safer to back for a "place," if not for an absolute win.

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BEST SOLUTION OF MINISTERIAL DIFFICULTIES.--_Dis_solution.

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DAUDET!

(_An old Comic Song re-sung for the benefit of a French Critic._)

["As for English women, their looks and their dress, the less said the better. They have, in M. DAUDET'S opinion, neither beauty nor taste."--_The Times' Correspondent in Paris._]

AIR--"_Doo-dah!_"

Oh, ALPHONSE! Gallantry befits your race! DAUDET! DAUDET! Can you look hereafter in an Englishwoman's face, DAUDET? DAUDET-say? You must have snoozed all night, You must have blinked all day; Have been blind--_pro tempore_--to Beauty's light, DAUDET! DAUDET-say!

Is every Englishwoman then a Grundy or a Gamp, DAUDET? DAUDET? Did you play Diogenes--without his lamp-- DAUDET? DAUDET-say? Have you joined the pessimist churls Who of nothing good can say, That you slight our women and insult our girls, DAUDET? DAUDET-say?

Oh, Dan seems empty and Beersheba bare, DAUDET! DAUDET! And there's nothing tasteful, and there's no one fair, DAUDET! DAUDET-say! To the saffron skin of France English rose-tints must give way? At our British Beauties _did_ you get a glance, DAUDET? DAUDET-say?

You laud male Britons, whilst you pour dispraise-- DAUDET! DAUDET!-- On our girls and matrons! 'Tis a travellers' craze, DAUDET! DAUDET-say! The Frank abroad--is frank,-- From the _belles_ of France away, He is doubtless home-sick, but he need not turn "crank." DAUDET! DAUDET-say!

The less said the better? Well, _that's_ true, no doubt, DAUDET! DAUDET! But the little that you _have_ said is all sneer and flout, DAUDET! DAUDET-say! The maids of France are fair!-- Are the men _fair_ too? Ah! nay. Not if _you_'re a specimen, my debonair DAUDET! DAUDET-say!

Neither taste nor beauty? Oh! you _must_ have been bad, DAUDET! DAUDET! The _mal de mer_ all the time you must have had, DAUDET! DAUDET-say! The jaundice worked its will Upon you all the way! Try again--after swallowing a big blue pill-- DAUDET! DAUDET-say!

* * * * *

Sands and Sea.

(_By a Harrow Boy who was "ploughed" at Exam._)

"Ploughing the sands" has been shown, in a letter to the _Times_, to be, in some cases, a productive operation. If the sands are well ploughed, and well sown, then may a fine crop be expected. When "Ploughing the sands" is no longer remunerative, then let all hands be summoned aboard, and the Government vessel in search of General Election Island may "Plough the sea," and come safely into port. What is successful "ploughing" to them will be "harrowing" to the Opposition.

* * * * *

"O SUCH A DAY WAS NEVER SEEN!"--Mr. Justice DAY is always a bright, never a dull DAY. His judicial utterances are like the sea around the Isle of Man, clear and profound. Rarely does he miss a good point; yet so it was the other day when, in a trial of "_Legge_ v." a heap of people (not involving any question of "Legge bail"), Mr. Justice DAY observed, "I find now very high rank held by doctors in the Army. There are Captain-surgeons, Colonel-surgeons, and I am not sure there are not Generals. (_Laughter._)" "Not sure," Mr. Justice! Why 'tis as clear as Day! There is another and a higher grade, viz., "General-Practitioner."

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* * * * *

A REALLY BIG PURCHASE BY A PRIVATE INDIVIDUAL, AT A VERY MODERATE FIGURE.--For 260 guineas Mr. W. AGNEW purchased "_Lambeth Palace--in the distance_." It is no "distance" to speak of, as twopence more will take the purchaser by steam-boat from almost any landing-stage across the river to Lambeth. It should perhaps be added, so as not to frighten the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, that in the purchase were included "_Old Westminster Bridge (a view of), with State Barges and Boats_." The whole Thames-water-colour having been painted in oil by SCOTT. This lot, by Great SCOTT, went as above-mentioned.

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MUSICAL EXERCISE FOR BICYCLISTS.--Try WAGNER'S "'CYCLE."

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"WANTS TO KNOW."--"Dear Sir,--I saw a paragraph in the _Times_ quite recently headed '_A Confirmed Pickpocket_.' I am all for the religious improvement of the dangerous classes, and what I want to know is _Firstly_, Was the lad a pickpocket before he was confirmed? _Secondly_, Or, did he become a pickpocket after confirmation? _Thirdly_, What bishop or curate was responsible for his confirmation? Other questions arise out of this case, but these are enough for the present.

Yours, A FEMALE SEARCHER."

* * *

FROM OUR OWN SMALL SCHOLAR.--"That's where I should like to be," sighed SAM SUCKER minimus, as in his geography lesson he read the name of Orange Free State. "Fancy, oranges free!!"

* * * * *

A MODEL REMODELLED.

The "Revised Edition"--probably to style it "The Revised Version" would savour too much of the Biblical Committee Room--of _An Artist's Model_ now removed to the Lyric is occasionally "funny," though not absolutely "without being" occasionally "vulgar." Its weakest point is its story, but as the plot only occasionally obtrudes itself upon the audience, the weakest point is, therefore, not worth mentioning, only its strong points, which consist in MARIE TEMPEST'S singing, but not in what she has to sing, and in Miss LETTY LIND'S mild warbling and charming dancing, which latter thoroughly deserves the hearty encores she obtains, as does also Mr. FARKOA'S capital rendering of an otherwise not particularly brilliant French laughing song. Mr. ERIC LEWIS and Mr. W. BLAKELEY attain great distinction by their clever rendering of nothing in particular.

Mr. HAYDEN COFFIN appears depressed. But comic relief to his sentimental sadness is given by both LAWRANCE D'ORSAY, with as much of the traditional D'ORSAY courtliness that is left of it, and Mr. FARREN SOUTAR, worthy inheritor of a double talent. Lyrics of H. GREENBANK neat, as they always are; but the compositions of Mr. SIDNEY JONES will probably "keep the stage," as it is impossible, at one hearing, at all events, to carry any of it away with you. The "house," on this occasion, excellent; far better than the piece.

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Joseph's Coat.

["There is a Chinese regiment which enjoys the terrible and glorious appellation of 'The Tiger-Braves.' They are dressed in coats covered with spots to resemble the skin of the animal from which they take their name.... The Government are a regiment of Tiger-Braves."--_Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham._]

JOE, who should know all about "beasts" and "caves," Now calls his whilom colleagues "Tiger-Braves." Well, his own coat bears strange new Party blots, He is a leopard who _has_ "changed his spots."

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DELIGHTFUL PROGRAMME.--We see that Mr. CHARLES REDDIE advertises a morning concert for June 11 at Prince's Hall. The audience will be there, and he will be always "Reddie, aye Reddie." Exhausted after playing, he will re-appear and be _Reddie-vivus_; and, in fact, there is a perfect store of puns on his name which must have frequently occurred to himself as a Reddie-witted person. That he is to be assisted by M. EMIL SAURET on the violin no one will be Sauret to hear; and that WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE gives his name and presence on this occasion will make the concert ever memorable. Concert under direction of ubiquitous DANIEL MAYER, in himself Mayer and Corporation of musical world.

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CITY INTELLIGENCE.--In view of the French President's accepting an invitation from the LORD MAYOR, the Common Councillors are daily practising a bacchanalian chorus, in harmony, of which the words are:--

"_Faure!_ he's a jolly good fellow, And so say all of us!"

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LYCEUM ADVERTISEMENT.--"_King Arthur_"--Sir HENRY IRVING. Knightly performance.

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MOTTO FOR EARL'S COURT EXHIBITION.--Open for "Wheel or Woe!"

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COMBINED DISPLAY OF ALL ARMS.--A _soirée dansante_ during the season.

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"WATERS, WATERS EVERYWHERE!"

One of the reasons for the popularity of Apollinaris Water mentioned the other day at a "meeting of the waters" was, that men generally soon became on such intimate terms with this water-nymph as to be able to speak of her familiarly as "Polly." "Whisky and Polly" seemed to go so well together as to be suggestive of a round dance, in which the admirer of "Polly" was whisky-ing her round the ball-room. The gradual rise of Johannis in public opinion, delayed, of course, in the first place, by politeness on the part of "Johnnie," who must cede the _pas_ to "Polly," is due to the fact that the aërated-water drinkers had not made up their minds as to whether Johannis was to be addressed as "Jo" or "Johnnie." We believe that "Johnnie" is now the accepted appellation. Whether "Johnnie" and "Polly" are on the best terms, this deponent knoweth not; nor is he aware that during the season The Bishop of Bath and Wells or The Bishop of Sodor-water-and-Man will bless the union of "Johnnie" and "Polly," though at one time there was a report to that effect. To alter the title of the old semi-nautical drama, _Poll and Partner Joe_, of which the second hero was a Water-man, "Poll and her Partner Johnnie" ought to get on well together.

* * * * *

AFTER WHITSUNTIDE.

_Brown._ You're looking extremely well.

_Jones._ Never fitter!

_Brown._ Took a run to Paris, eh?

_Jones._ No. Saw French play, though.

_Brown._ Went to seaside or river, eh?

_Jones._ No. Can't stand expensive discomfort. I had some decent boating, though.

_Brown._ Went for inland scenery?

_Jones._ No; although I sauntered under noble trees, and got some magnificent views.

_Brown._ Switzerland? Italy?

_Jones._ No time for long journeys. I enjoyed fine air, and walked twenty miles a day; studied fine Old Masters, and enjoyed a stroll in a museum which has no equal.

_Brown._ Really!! Then, in the name of wonder, _where_ have you been staying?

_Jones._ In London.

[_Farewells exchanged, and exeunt._

* * * * *

A KNIGHT OF THE WILLOW;

_Or, why not "Sir W. G. Grace"?_

["Dr. W. G. GRACE, whose name has been everywhere of late--except where it might well have been, on the Birthday Honours list."--_Times._]

Why not? Great Scott! "The play's the thing," Before the footlights, round the ring At Lord's, it little matters,-- Easily first _is_ easily first! Just fancy what a glorious burst From throats aglow with zeal--and thirst-- Would hail the Knight of Batters!

They've shouted for him many a time, Whose mellow age is still his prime, And others' youth surpasses; But how they'd make the welkin split If honours donors had the wit To knight this Hero of the Hit, And favourite of the masses!

"The play's the thing." Sir HENRY IRVING Sounds well. Who'll question _his_ deserving When 'midst the knights they place it? But here's a player just as great In his own field. Why should he wait? However high be knighthood's state, The name of GRACE will grace it!

What greater joy to crowds affords Than the announcement "GRACE at Lord's"? What lots of "Lords" and "Graces" Do less than England's W. G. To furnish genuine sport and glee To thousands, who still throng to see How well he "times" and "places."

True, "Thunderer," true! He stands the test. Unmatched, unchallengeable Best At our best game! Requite him! For thirty years to hold first place, And still, unpassed, keep up the pace, Pleases a stout, sport-loving race. By Jove, "Sir WILLIAM GILBERT GRACE" Sounds splendid. _Punch_ says--"_Knight him!_"

* * * * *

"IN THE NAME OF PROFIT--TOGS!"

It seems that the uniform of the SHAHZADA, worn by his Highness on State occasions in England, was designed by a Briton, and consequently is not included in the official garb of the Afghan Army. Presumably the same sartorial artist was responsible for NASRULLA'S "get up" at the Derby. The son of our ally appeared on that memorable occasion in "a harmony in grey"--grey frock-coat, waistcoat and trousers, with grey fez turban to match. No doubt the head-dress was relieved with a diamond worth £1,000,000, or something of the sort, just to show that our guest was of eastern origin. The following suggestion for complete outfits may be found useful:--

_Yachting._--Suit of blue serge, covered with rubies and diamonds. Straw hat, made of golden wire, encrusted with emeralds. Tan shoes, studded with brilliants. Shirt of silver tissue, with collar and cuffs of virgin gold. Telescope of turquoise, with sling of linked Queen Anne's guineas.

_Shooting._--Suit of ditto's of gold tissue. Shoulder-guard of diamonds. Deer-stalker of birds of Paradise breast-feathers. Boots of young crocodile leather, embroidered with lapis lazuli.

_Private Dinners._--Gold coat and trousers. Silver shirt and waistcoat. Diamond opera hat and overcoat of various precious stones. Handkerchief of woven brilliants. Necktie of antediluvian aluminium at £520 10_s._ 4_d._ a grain.

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TARTARIN SUR LA TAMISE.

M. ALPHONSE DAUDET has gone back to his own country. He is pleased with us on the whole. We have learnt his language and read his books.

We are not so clever or intelligent as the French; but we are more stable of purpose and despise ridicule, and keep ourselves well informed about other countries. _L'enfant dit vrai, peut-être!_

Our women, however, are inferior to French women, as they lack either beauty or taste: and the less said about their looks and dress the better. _Toujours galant, "le petit Chose!" Pécaïré!_ TARTARIN has surpassed himself; and if he manages to persuade his fair compatriots that he is sincere in this, _il aura bien mérité de la patrie_; and will recover all his old popularity. Nothing will remain for him but to prove that we lost the Battle of Waterloo, and that the Lord Mayor is a more important person than Queen VICTORIA. After that, "_Aux grands hommes de la France, la Patrie reconnaissante_."

* * *

_The Latest Edition of "The Chronicles of Holinshed,"_ written by JOHN "of that ilk." Honest JOHN is outspoken. His motto is the truth and nothing but the truth--as far as he can recollect it. His memory appears to be good. JOHN is Frank.

* * *

DRAMATIC TEMPORARY PROVERB (_adapted for Garrick Theatre_).--"When the HARE is away the WILLARD will play."

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REGRETS.

"_To wish is folly, to regret absurd._"

That I went out in my new hat and light summer clothes, and did not take my umbrella the only day within the last fortnight when there was an hour's rain.

That I had already accepted an invitation when one to a party that would have been infinitely more pleasant all round subsequently arrived.

That I took that champagne last night, and some other things.

That I left off my winter "things" before summer had set in.

That I returned to my winter "things" just when summer weather did set in.

That I went out to supper and supped heartily.

That I didn't have that tooth out when it first pained me.

That my dentist should take a four days' holiday just when I wanted him badly.

That I put into five sweeps and drew blank.

That I lent a man half-a-sovereign.

That I didn't back the winner.

* * *

COMMERCIAL AND NAUTICAL.--Two City men, twin brothers and partners, in character the very reverse of CHARLES DICKENS'S kind and generous _Cheerybles_, are known as "The Twin Screws."

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WHITSUNTIDE.--"Don't stop in! I'll take you out if you'll only come," as the dentist said to the tooth.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, May, 27._--RITCHIE back to-day, after long absence. Changed address from Tower Hamlets to Croydon. Waiting to be called to table by SPEAKER, had opportunity of hearing long debate round Bill promoted by London County Council. RITCHIE, as President of Local Government Board in last Ministry, made London County Council possible. Happy thought to play him in, as it were, with County Council debate.