Part 3

_A Lady._ Surely a wife should look up to her husband?

_Charles his Friend._ So she does--unless she wears high heels.

_A Person._ And a wife, if she found her husband in trouble, would surely cleave to him?

_Charles his Friend._ So she would, if she only knew where to find him.

_Another Person._ That reminds me that a play, to be successful, must have the plot of a shilling shocker--much diluted.

_Charles his Friend._ A shocker shocks no one save its--publisher.

_A New Comer._ Then the blackmailer was defeated in the end--as bad people invariably are when vice is at a discount and virtue at a premium.

_Charles his Friend._ Virtue never is at a premium, save when it is mistaken for vice.

_A blasé Man of the World._ And yet, in spite of all this, I have had a pleasant evening.

_Charles his Friend._ So has an author when he is laughing in his sleeve and confuses black with white.

_Someone._ But does the author never know the difference?

_Charles his Friend._ What does it matter? If he thinks himself right, everybody will know that he is wrong!

_The Audience._ All this is very clever because it is unintelligible.

_The Author._ So I believe. Only I stand upon my irresponsibility. But is anyone satisfied with anything in a playhouse?

_Charles his Friend._ Only with the fall of the curtain!

[_Scene closes in upon nothing in particular._

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE REAL NEW WOMAN.

I own there are heights that she cannot attain. She is not at home with a gun. In pastimes where one living creature is slain She cannot perceive any fun; And never a poor feathered songster has died Her hat or her bonnet to grace; And after the hounds it were torture to ride, Lest Reynard should lose in the race.

And much she ignores that New Women should learn, And still she refuses to smoke: One wine from another she cannot discern, But she's splendid at seeing a joke. Her love and her friendship no labour can fret, No jealousy seems to alarm. In truth, not a mortal could ever forget Her humour, her kindness, her charm.

Though dozens of friends of her fealty boast, Her desk with epistles is packed, Her very own relatives love her the most-- A somewhat remarkable fact! With bores and with fools she ungrudgingly bears, And though it may end in her loss, With cabmen she never can wrangle for fares, Or haggle a counter across.

Her eyes, that are loyal and fearless and kind, At wrong or injustice will flame, But they never seem anxious a failure to find, They never are hasty to blame; And well she is loved by the best and the worst, For sympathy, courage, and truth, For friendship unfailing they love her, the first; The last, for her infinite ruth.

Oh, what if she never should do or should dare In regions by Woman untrod? Yet, when her step passes, men turn from despair, And trust in the world and in God. Oh, what if no "record" she cares to eclipse, Nor manners nor morals defies? But pain she would face with a smile on her lips, And death with a light in her eyes!

* * * * *

"THE GHIZEH MUSEUM."--A question has been asked in the _Times_ as to why the name of Professor PETRIE has been omitted from the Commission for the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities. The answer, whether satisfactory or not, is that considering the overwhelming learning on this special subject of the distinguished Professor it is probable that the energies of the other members would be "Petrie-fied."

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR HORRID COLD WEATHER.--"Bed's the Best."

* * * * *

MRS. BLOOMER.

["The news of the death of Mrs. BLOOMER, at Council Bluffs, Iowa, revives many memories of a distant past."--_Daily Graphic._]

So Mrs. BLOOMER'S gone! but let her name Once more appear in _Mr. Punch's_ pages. 'Twas long ago, almost the Middle Ages, That LEECH'S pencil advertised her fame!

Her costume was unlovely--let it fade For ever from the ken of human vision! Though nowadays 'twould scarce provoke derision, If worn by pretty girls and tailor-made.

For by the lady-cyclist, as she plies Her pedal, neatly clad in knickerbockers. See Mrs. BLOOMER, first of Grundy-shockers. Now vindicated in Dame Fashion's eyes!

But, not in dress alone a pioneer, She edited the temp'rance _Water Bucket_, And many a blow 'gainst drink with pluck hit; Then let us o'er her passing shed a tear!

* * * * *

AT THE EMPIRE.--The celebrated _chanteuse_ Mlle. MEALY is engaged. We've not yet heard her, but of course this lady's songs should be of a very delicate nature, as she herself must be "Mealy-mouthed."

* * * * *

Transcriber's Note:

Page 25: 'change' corrected to 'charge'. "it was that last charge of yours at the head of your magnificent Thundershakers that has converted defeat into victory,..."

Page 27: 'The Dandy Afghan Khan': 'Dost Mohammed' in the first Chorus, becomes 'Dost Mahommed' in the last. Wikipedia gives 'Dost Mohammed.'

Page 28: 'APPLEBOSSOM' corrected to 'APPLEBLOSSOM'.

""Bless me, you have a treasure!" continued APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C.,..."

Page 29: 'seven-eights' corrected to 'seven-eighths'

""An Old BOOTS!" cried my better seven-eighths,..."