Part 2

_Officious Friend_ (_testily_). Nonsense! You never _have_ done that wheeler justice. Fact is you don't understand the horse's character, or how to get the best out of him. Now I----

_Driver_ (_adapting old Trin. Coll., Cam., Recitation_).

"Fact is, he understood computing The odds at any bye-election; Was a dead hand at elocuting, Satire, and candidate-selection; But, like his parallel, Lord RANDOM, He couldn't, somehow, drive a tandem."

_Officious Friend._ What _are_ you muttering about? You know I'm not up in poetry. As to poor Lord RANDOM, he was a smart whip, anyhow, and though I don't agree with "Z" in his impertinent comparisons, still----

_Driver._ Still? Well, I wish you'd _sit_ still, old fellow, and not fidget with the reins. You're fretting that leader awfully.

_Officious Friend._ Confound the leader! Leaders, equine or--otherwise--(_sotto voce_: I was _going_ to say asinine!)--are so apt to give themselves airs, and fancy they're pulling all the weight. Old G., for example!

_Driver._ Ah! and he's not the _only_ instance.

[_Sighs._

_Officious Friend._ If G. had taken my tip, he'd never have upset the coach as he did. But handlers of the ribbons are always so obstinate. Look out! Mind that finger-post! Why, the leader nearly ran into it.

_Driver._ Not at all, dear boy. But we'll run into _something_, and be both spilt if you don't leave off twitching at the reins.

_Officious Friend_ (_reading finger-post_). Leamington! Hythe! Aha! Now I think--as I know these roads well--if you'd just let _me_----

_Driver_ (_decisively_). Look here, old man! You remember our Compact?

_Officious Friend_ (_impatiently_). Oh, of course, of course. But--I don't quite understand it as you seem to do.

_Driver._ Humph! (_Again adapting._)

"Your Rule of the Road seems a paradox, quite; For, in tooling our dog-cart along, If _you_'re left with the reins you are sure to be right, If the reins are _my_ right, it's all wrong."

_Officious Friend._ Oh, more poetry! What a chap you are for Metaphysics and the Muses! Now the foundations of _my_ belief are facts and figures.

_Driver_ (_meditatively_). It's a fact that the Tory total figures out much larger than the Liberal Unionist.

_Officious Friend._ Oh, bother! What's that got to do with it! Our Compact----

_Driver._ Is ours--not Leamington's it seems.

[_Hums._

"There was a man at Leamington, Who thought it would be nice To jump into a Tory seat By help of Tory "ayes." But if those "ayes" should be "put out," It _may_ prove no great gain Jumping into a Tory seat To please J. CH-MB-RL-N!"

_Officious Friend_ (_grabbing reins_). Here, I say! Whilst droning out your doggerel you're forgetting your driving. Where _are_ you going? Look at that dashed leader!

[_Leader faces sharp round and fidgets._

_Driver_ (_sharply_). No wonder! Woa, lad, woa! Why on earth did you tug at the reins like that. I tell you that horse won't stand much more of it. Do you want a spill as well as a split?

_Officious Friend._ Why, no! But according to our Compact, the wheeler----

_Driver._ According to our Compact it's _my_ turn at the ribbons to-day. One at a time, if you please. Do you call _this_ driving tandem? We shall never get on like this! Are you driving this dog-cart, or am I?

[_Left settling it._

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

MARCO POLO ULYSSES HENRY NORMAN, having returned from a comprehensive tour in foreign parts, has set forth his experience in a handsome volume published by FISHER UNWIN. _The Far Fast_ is its alluring and well-sustained title. But why drag in ULYSSES and MARCO POLO? Their journeyings were on the scale of a jaunt to Switzerland as compared with Mr. NORMAN'S. He has travelled through British, French, Spanish and Portuguese Colonies; has visited Siberia, China, Japan, Corea, Siam and Malaya. Whether in his study of political problems, his pictures of people, or his sketches of scenery, he is equally keen and habile. Anything that relates to China is peculiarly interesting just now, and Mr. NORMAN throws a flood of light on the state of the unwieldly empire. The description of the examination halls is instructive. The Government of China, Mr. NORMAN testifies, is a vast system of competitive examination tempered by bribery. Those who come out successfully in examinations--the subject-matter of which is knowledge of the works of CONFUCIUS, the history of China, and the art of writing as practised by the old masters--have berths found them under the Government. They are sent all over the country to be magistrates, generals, ship captains, engineers, without having the slightest acquaintance with details or systems over which they are put in a position of command. This fully accounts for what has taken place in recent campaigns by land and sea in the Far East. We can't all undertake Mr. NORMAN'S monumental journey. But, adapting SHERIDAN'S advice to his son on a certain occasion, my Baronite counsels the public to read _The Far East_ and say they've been there.

The immortal FLACCUS (writes one of the Baron's assistants) has, it appears, been sojourning in Cambridge, having gone into residence there some time before he stayed at Hawarden, either for translation or perversion. I make this statement after reading a delightful little book of light verse entitled _Horace at Cambridge_, by OWEN SEAMAN (London, A. D. INNES & CO.). To every University man, and particularly, of course, to Cambridge men, this book will be a rare treat. But in virtue of its humour, its extreme and felicitous dexterity of workmanship both in rhyme and metre, and the aptness of its allusions, it will appeal to a far wider public. I pledge Mr. SEAMAN in a bumper of College Audit! and beg him to give us more of his work.

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

THE OLYMPIANS THREATEN.--A real ice rink, "said to be the largest in the world," is in course of construction at Olympia. Does "Niagara" realise, or, as in this conjunction it might be written, "real-ice," the fact that its own nice invention may, by its rival, be beaten all to shivers?

* * * * *

FROM "LOVE'S LABOUR."--What our Sir FREDERIC, P.R.A. (quoting the Divine WILLIAMS), will soon be saying to the accepted artist, "_Bid him go hang!_"

* * * * *

A COCK AND BULL STORY.

AIR--"_Casabianca._"

["European navies were like fighting-cocks, armed to the teeth; a single spark might cause an explosion."

_Dr. MacGregor on the Navy Estimates._]

The fighting-cock stood on the deck, His eye was rolling red, His feathers whiffled round his neck, His crest was on his head.

He wore his spur above his heel, His claws were underneath, He also had a mass of steel Plate-armour on his teeth.

Meanwhile the House was haggling on In one of those debates When Little England jumps upon The Navy Estimates.

There CLEOPHAS, of many wiles, Brought up his little lot, And Mr. BYLES, with wreathèd smiles, Was deadly on the spot.

And LABBY said the bootless pay Of navies should be stamped on; "There is no boot!" as strikers say In LABBY'S own Northampton.

"Then came a burst of thunder-sound" That shook the very street, And lo! MACGREGOR'S form was found To be upon its feet.

He called the rates a great expense, He was a peaceful Scot, And said the talk about "defense" Was simply Tommy-rot.

Far better for his country's good, So long allowed to bleed, If only half the money could Be spent across the Tweed.

Then with a petrifying shout, Like some _clamantis vox_, He fetched a trumpet-note about The teeth of fighting-cocks.

A simile of crew and crew All ripe for any ruction; (Refer to verses one and two, Or else the introduction).

A spark might fall from out the sea, Completely unforeboded, And then the birds--where would they be? Why, they would be exploded.

He looked around for some applause From front or side or rear; They never said a word, because They hadn't strength to cheer.

With many an accidental jest The hearts of men were full, But O! the thing they liked the best Was bold MACGREGOR'S bull!

* * * * *

"SUR LE TAPIS" DE BRUXELLES.

However clever as a dramatic author he, M. MAURICE MAETERLINCK of Brussels, may be, it is rather handicapping him to be dubbed by enthusiastic but injudicious admirers "The Belgian SHAKSPEARE," though, of course, "Belgian" does qualify the SHAKSPEARE, just as Brussels prefixed to sprout decides the character of that favourite and useful vegetable. M. MAETERLINCK may be the "coming on," or sprouting, dramatist of the future. Up to the present time there has not been much in any way to connect Belgian and English drama, so MAETERLINCK may be the missing link destined to electrically illuminate "all the world," which "is," as the Divine WILLIAMS remarks, "a stage."

* * * * *

* * * * *

PROPOSED RULES FOR THE LADIES' UNIVERSAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION.

(_Compiled by One thoroughly Conversant with the Necessities of the Situation._)

1. The costume of every member of the Club shall be of the most elegant description. The design shall not be governed by the requirements of the game for which the uniform is required, but rather by the characteristics of the wearer.

2. Red and blue shall be worn according to the complexion of the player, and the choice of teams shall depend not upon prowess or locality, but the colour of the hair and eyes and the formation of the noses.

3. Patent leather shoes shall invariably form a part of the _grande tenue_ of the Club, with high heels at discretion.

4. Football shall be played with a light india-rubber globe, and "pushing" shall be strictly forbidden. However, it shall be permissible for one player to hold an opponent tightly by the hands if the former thinks the latter is about to give it "quite a hard kick" with her toe.

5. No angry language will be allowed, but one member may tell another, in the height of an exciting contest, that she is "a spiteful, disagreeable old thing." On very special occasions the word "There!" may be added with emphasis.

6. Cricket shall never be allowed to last for more than half an hour, and cups of tea shall be served to the strikers between the overs.

7. Only ladies shall be permitted to watch the game of the members, as a rule. However, at times when everyone is looking her best, individuals of the inferior sex shall be admitted to the football ground or cricket field, on the condition that they "promise not to laugh."

8. Players at football, cricket, and other games sanctioned by the Association, shall have full liberty to make their own rules and keep their own appointments. They will be usually expected to wait until a match is finished, unless called away to take a drive in the Park, or do a little shopping.

9 and Lastly. As women are as excellent as men at field sports, the members of the Club shall be entitled to the franchise.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE LATEST FROM SOL.

SCENE--_The Sun. First Solarist discovered reading local journal to Second Solarist._

_First Solarist._ I say, have you seen what this century's _Earth_ says?

_Second Solarist._ No; it's much too hot for reading newspapers.

_First S._ Why, the idiotic people on that ridiculous little planet have just discovered the existence of Helium!

_Second S._ Dear me! How long have they taken about that?

_First S._ About six thousand years (according to mundane measure), or thereabouts.

_Second S._ They seem to have plenty of leisure on their hands! And now that they _have_ found out Helium, of what use will it be to them?

_First S._ Oh, that they will probably discover in another fix thousand years! Let's liquor!

[_Exeunt. Scene closes in upon an eclipse._

* * * * *

BALLAD OF THE UNSURPRISED JUDGE.

["Mr. Justice HAWKINS observed, 'I am surprised at nothing.'"--_Pitts v. Joseph, "Times'" Report, March 27._]

All hail to Sir HENRY, whom nothing surprises; Ye Judges and suitors, regard him with awe, As he sits up aloft on the Bench and applies his Swift mind to the shifts and the tricks of the Law. Many years has he lived, and has always seen clear things That Nox seemed to hide from our average eyes: But still, though encompassed with all sorts of queer things, He never, no never gives way to surprise.

When a rogue, for example, a company-monger, Grows fat on the gain of the shares he has sold, While the public gets lean, winning nothing but hunger And a few scraps of scrip for its masses of gold; When the fat man goes further and takes to religion, A rascal in hymn-books and bibles disguised, "It's a case," says Sir HENRY, "of rook _versus_ pigeon, And the pigeon gets left--well, I'm hardly surprised."

There's a Heath at Newmarket, and horses that run there, There are owners and jockeys, and sharpers and flats; There are some who do nicely, and some who are done there, There are loud men with pencils and satchels and hats. But the Stewards see nothing of betting or money, As they stand in the blinkers for Stewards devised; Their blindness may strike HENRY HAWKINS as funny, But he only smiles softly, he isn't surprised.

So, here's to Sir HENRY, the terror of tricksters, Of Law he's a master, and likewise a limb: His mind never once, when its purpose is fixed, errs; For cuteness there's none holds a candle to him. Let them try to deceive him, why, bless you, he's _been_ there, And can track his way straight through a tangle of lies; And, though some might grow grey at the things he has seen there, He never, no never, gives way to surprise.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Lords, Monday, March 25._--Impossible to avoid noticing depression of the MARKISS when he entered House to-night. At first thought feelings of a father had overcome him. CRANBORNE, immediately after eloquent and energetic attack in other House of Welsh Disestablishment Bill, was struck down by indisposition, reported to be measles. That all very well. Do not wish to suggest anything wrong; but coincidence at least remarkable. Measles, the Member for SARK tells me, can be conveyed in various apparently innoxious guises. In a controversy so acrid that GEORGE OSBORNE MORGAN has been publicly accused of profligacy, men will, it is too obvious, go any lengths. At present there is nothing that can be called evidence to connect CRANBORNE'S sudden indisposition with current controversy. But if this mysterious attack is followed by symptoms of croup, rickets, teething, or any other complaint usually associated with happy days in the nursery, the public will know what to think.

Happily it turned out that the depression of the MARKISS had nothing to do with the condition of the heir of Hatfield. His sympathetic heart been touched by difficulties that environ a worthy class of men whom LORD CHANCELLOR, conscious that COBB'S eye is upon him, has recently been making magistrates. "Excellent persons," says the MARKISS; "self-made men. But unfortunately the process of self-manufacture does not include knowledge of the statutes at large." There is the Parish Councils Act, for example; one of those pieces of legislation with which a reckless Radical majority has embarrassed an ancient State. This law has to be administered by people unlearned in Acts of Parliament. They cannot take a step without having sixteen volumes of the statutes at large tucked under their arms. What the benevolent and thoughtful MARKISS suggested was, that in all future legislation there shall be reprinted sections of Acts of Parliament referred to in text of Bill.

House listened with admiration to statesman who, his mind engrossed by imperial cares, could find time to think out schemes for easing the pathway of working-men magistrates, and assisting operation of Parish Councils Act. Only, somehow, there was left on minds of hearers a strong impression that working-men magistrates are a mistake, and the Parish Councils Act a public injury, of which the Government ought to be more than ordinarily ashamed.

_Business done._--More speech-making round Welsh Disestablishment Bill in Commons. Direfully dull.

_House of Commons, Tuesday._--"Speakers may come, and Speakers may go," said the Member for SARK, "but as long as the House of Commons produces men like VICARY GIBBS the institution is safe, and the State rocks safely on its everlasting foundations. It was, you will remember, VICARY who directly, though undesignedly, led to the row on that famous night in June when Home-Rule Committee was closured. VICARY shares with Heaven the peculiarity that order is his first law. On that particular night somebody had said something, and VICARY wanted to have his words taken down. Amid growing uproar his observations were inaudible to the Chair, and his presence undistinguishable. Some men would thereupon have resumed their seat. VICARY, his soul athirst to have something 'taken down,' moved on to the Front Opposition Bench, and shouted his desire in MELLOR'S left ear. Then LOGAN suddenly loomed large on the scene. HAYES FISHER reached forth a red right hand and shook him by the collar. Next an anonymous Irish Member fell over the bench on to SAUNDERSON'S knee, and was there incontinently but heartily pummelled. After that chaos; all arising out of VICARY GIBBS'S insatiable, uncontrollable desire to have something 'taken down' in the sacred name of order."

These musings on the mighty past were occasioned by VICARY once more unexpectedly, but sternly and effectively, interposing as the custodian of order. WEIR broken out in epidemic of questions; puts down eleven on the paper; runs them up to the full score by supplementary questions, invariably prefaced by the formula "Is the right hon. gentleman A. WEIR that----?" A poor joke, its only flash of humour being in the subtly varied tone with which the SPEAKER eleven times pronounced the words, "Mr. WEIR." Also grotesquely funny to hear the reverberation of the deep chest notes, in which WEIR, with tragic sweep of _pince-nez_ on to his nose, said in succession, "Ques-ti-on one," "Ques-ti-on two," and so on.

Touch of tragedy came in when VICARY, managing to throw into tone and form of question conviction that SQUIRE OF MALWOOD was secretly at bottom of the whole business, asked him whether this was not abuse of forms of the House, calculated to lead to curtailment of valuable privilege. No use SQUIRE assuming air of innocence. House knew all about it. Refreshed and revived by VICARY'S timely vindication of law and order, proceeded to business.

_Business done._--Fourth night's Debate on Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill. The still prevalent dulness varied by speech from PLUNKET; witched the House by music of stately though simple eloquence.

_Thursday._--Desperate dulness of week further relieved by discovery of new game. TOMMY BOWLES, _Inv._ House just got into Committee of Supply; Vote on Account under discussion; this covers multitudinous items; every spending department of State concerned. When Committee of Supply deals with Army Estimates, CAWMELL-BANNERMAN and the WINSOME WOODALL in their places. The rest of Ministers may go away, knowing that everything is well. The same when Navy Estimates are on, or when particular votes in the Civil Service Estimates are to the fore. Ministers of particular departments affected in their place; the rest at liberty.

To-night, as no one knew who might be called on next, all agreed to stop away--all but the faithful HIBBERT. Cap'en TOMMY, as usual, aloft in the Crow's Nest, perceived this weak point. Hauling on the bowline, and making all taut, he bore down swiftly on the Treasury Bench, and hailed it for the President of the Board of Trade. Wanted to talk to BRYCE, he said, about lighthouses. No one knew better than TOMMY that BRYCE wasn't aboard. According to regulations, he ought to have been. Search made for him. Presently brought in with hands in pockets, trying to whistle, and otherwise present appearance of indifference. But a poor show.

Encouraged by this success, Private HANBURY, observing ROBERTSON was among absentees, addressed question to Civil Lord of Admiralty about Peterhead Harbour. HIBBERT'S agony of mind at this juncture would have softened harder hearts. An elderly hen, that has counted its brood seven times, on each occasion finding one or two missing, not more perturbed. Looked up and down Treasury Bench. ROBERTSON, not within sight; might be below the Gangway. Vain hope. For Members opposite interest in Peterhead Harbour growing keener and more urgent. FRANCIS POWELL, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report progress. MELLOR declined to put question.

"Very well," said the Blameless BARTLEY, with air of martyr. "We must go on talking about Peterhead Harbour till the Minister comes in."

So he did, and when he ran dry TOMLINSON (having meanwhile ascertained where Peterhead Harbour is) took up the wondrous tale. Talking when HIBBERT reappeared, his breast now swelling with maternal pride and satisfaction. He had found the lost chick, and clucked low notes of supreme content as he brought him back to the roost. Pretty to see how, Civil Lord in his place, all interest in Peterhead Harbour subsided, Busy B's turning their attention to alleged felonious underrating of Government property.

_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee. Sir JOHN LENG calls ASQUITH'S attention to dangerous occupation of lion-tamers. "All very well," he says, "for doughty knight like me. But these poor fellows with families shouldn't be allowed to run risks."

_Friday Night._--"What's the business at to-night's sitting?" asked SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking over Orders of the Day. "Home Rule all round? Very well. Shall give practical proof of adherence to principle by stopping at home."

JOHN MORLEY did same, most other Ministers following suit. CAWMEL-BANNERMAN sacrificed himself on altar of country. But insisted that he might at least dine out in interval between morning and evening sitting that made last day of Parliamentary week. His snowy shirt front gave air of almost reckless joviality to desolate Treasury Bench. PRINCE ARTHUR, not to be outdone in chivalry, also looked in after dinner, brightening up Front Bench opposite Minister for War. But two swallows don't make a summer, nor two gentlemen in evening dress a festive party. TREVELYAN only man in earnest, and he terribly so.