Volume 105, October 7th 1893

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

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"DUE SOUTH!"

_On Shore in Lulworth Cove._--Odd names on this Southern coast. The "Tilly Winn Caves,?" for example; likewise "Durdle Dhor," or "Durdle Door." Who was MATILDA WINN; familiarly styled "TILLY"? An old fisherman mending his nets,--he is evidently "_The_ Cove of Lulworth Cove,"--gives me the following tale, which I set down as the

LEGEND OF TILLY WINN AND DURDLE D'OR.

The winsome Lady MATILDA WINN, Was a-ris-to-crati-cal-ly thin, With dove-like eyes. Her golden hair Was circled with gems so rich and rare. White and pink was the healthy skin Of the winsome Lady MATILDA WINN.

The Lord of LULWORTH, a somnolent Earl, Gave his moustache an extra curl As he woke in the morn, and ope'd his eye, A passing fair lady was passing by! Then he swore to himself, "Through thick and thin, I'll win the Lady MATILDA WINN."

The Lord of LULWORTH, that somnolent peer, Gained the young lady's father's ear, Who said, "My TILLY must me obey. One week to-morrow shall be the day When Lulworth's Earl shall become our kin, By wedding my daughter! my TILLY WINN!"

MATILDA WINN made signs from shore To her pirate lover, bold DURDLE D'OR. Who came at night with ladder of rope, For TILDA WINN had agreed to elope. "We're privately married, so 'tis no sin," Quoth the beautiful Lady MATILDA WINN.

But the somnolent Earl and the testy Lord Pursued and caught, ere they got aboard The pirate vessel, the lovers twain, Who leapt from the boat! And ne'er again, When past and gone was the tempest's din, Were seen DURDLE D'OR and his TILLY WINN.

There is as pleasant a little hostelrie in Lulworth Cove as is to be found anywhere in a quiet sort of way, with lunch made and provided, ready for all comers, be they never so plentiful. Mind always on this coast command the lobster, he is _toujours à vos ordres_. Those who can be content with the minimum of variety in the way of amusement, and with the maximum of health will assuredly find it here, where they can live the life of a sort of luxurious _Robinson Crusoe_--bathing, fishing, walking--five or six miles from the nearest railway station, and visited occasionally by steamboats, which cannot come in quite close to shore, bringing passengers, from whom tidings may be obtained of what is going on in the outer world.

_Note--Of music on board._--Almost every steamboat is accompanied by a couple of instrumentalists--a harpist and a violinist. These duettists do uncommonly well pecuniarily, and musically too, considering the difficulties presented by the sea passages. One of their more favourite performances is the _intermezzo_ from the _Rusticana_. Returning from Swanage the wind rather interferes with the strings by attempting to unfasten the music paper. But the violinist, well on the alert, has foreseen the probability arising of there being "three sheets to the wind," and has nailed his colours to the mast, that is, has tied the music-paper firmly on to the stand. Still, in order to grapple with rude Boreas, he has to drop a few bars of his part in the _intermezzo_, a proceeding that causes no sort of inconvenience to the harpist, who ingeniously "slows off," and adapts time and tune to the exceptional situation, until the wind, being out of breath with its mischievous exertions, allows the fiddle-strings to resume their part in the concert, and kindly permits the two musicians to finish triumphantly. Their gallant efforts are well rewarded, and the musical pilgrims collect _largesse_ in a scallop-shell. Back again to P'm'th.

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THEN AND NOW.

MR. PUNCH'S REPLY TO THE PREMIER.

["There is a popular periodical which, whenever it can, manifests the Liberal sentiments by which it has been guided from the first--I mean the periodical _Punch_. At that time I had the honour of figuring, if I remember right, in a Cartoon of _Punch_, in connection with the rejection of the Paper Duty, and a clever Cartoon it was, for I was represented as a little lad in school, sitting (it was _standing_, Sir--_Mr. P._) upon a small stool, and Lord DERBY--the Lord DERBY of that day, who led the House of Lords--was standing over me with an immense sheet of paper, made into a fool's-cap, which he planted on my head."--_Mr. Gladstone at Edinburgh, Sept. 27, 1893._]

_See Cartoon, "The Paper Cap," in Punch_ (p. 223, vol. xxxviii.), _June 2, 1860_.

THIRTY-THREE years ago, my WILLIAM, thirty-three years ago, Yet you, as of yore, are well to the fore, and _Punch_, too is in front also; And that paper cap was a popular crown, as _Punch_ at the time suggested; With the real fool's-cap, by a singular hap, "the Lord DERBY" himself was invested.

_Punch_ "advised his friend GLADSTONE to look out for squalls, and likewise look out his umbrella." (_Prophetic_ that, but then _Mister P._ was always that sort of a fella!) You have used a good many "umbrellas" since then, both Old and New (Castle) "brollies," As you needed a stout one in DERBY'S storm, so you will, my dear WILLIAM, in SOLLY'S.

You have "had the honour of figuring," Sir, many times since then in my pages; As I hope, my dear WILLIAM, with all my heart, you'll continue to do--oh! for ages! The same great designer of "clever cartoons" ("our Sir JOHN") is as lively as ever, And if _you_'ll give him suitable subjects, dear boy, _he_'ll still furnish cartoons quite as clever.

"Liberal sentiments"--"manifest still"--"whenever I can," you say? Well, Sir! _My_ sentiments, WILLIAM, are liberal _always_--but with a small _non-party_ l, Sir! "Liberal souls devise liberal things"--_you_ know the authority grand, Sir!-- If your Liberal things are "liberal," always, by liberal things you shall stand, Sir.

There! _Verb. sap._, my long-honoured old chap! May a real fool's-cap crown you never, But a Crown of Honour be yours at the end--which we'd wish to postpone, Sir, for ever! Thanks very much for your genial touch. We have pleasant joint memories, many, Since you fought the good fight on the Paper Duty and a Press at the Popular Penny!

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Colourable.

["The banners of most of the Dutch regiments have hitherto been those captured from the French at Waterloo in 1815, since when they have never been renewed."--_Daily News, September 22._]

The Dutch have had second-hand flags to fight under; And so if "Dutch courage" mean borrowed, what wonder?

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HISS-TRIONIC QUERY.--Where exists the theatrical manager who, utterly disregardless of tradition and reckless as to the omen of "the Bird," would have produced a new piece for the first time _last Friday night_, which was _Michaelmas Day_, the day sacred to the Goose? We know of only one manager likely to be so bold, and he would not be so audacious as to defy the combined omens of ill.

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Ichabod!

(_As it generally seems now in Sculling Matches on the Thames._)

Row, brothers, row! But you don't row fast! It's foreigner first, and Britisher last! JOHN no longer can sing now, "I says the Bull" (As in _Poor Cock Robin_), "_because I can pull!_"

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COAL AND DRAMA.--Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD says that the Princess's Pit, which has been closed for a long time, will be at once re-opened. The price has been generally accepted.

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NEWS OF THE MATABELE.--The "Impi" are "suffering from want of supplies." They are impi-cunious.

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THE MOST GRATUITOUS FORM OF VICE.--Ad-vice!

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THE REIGN OF RINGLETS.

["It is announced that ringlets are to be worn again by ladies, and that side whiskers are coming in for fashionable men."--_Daily News._]

Oh prospect Elysian! It called back a vision Of youth, and those girls of JOHN LEECH'S, JOHN LEECH'S, Of "corkscrews" that "doddle" all round a fair noddle, Blue eyes and flushed cheeks like ripe peaches, ripe peaches. I think of sweet NELLY, whose curls, like a jelly, Shook soft as she "spooned" me at croquet, at croquet. But then came lawn tennis old fashion to menace, And croquet and curls were dubbed "pokey," dubbed "pokey."

But ringlets! O rapture! One spiral to capture Of NELL'S many hundreds and snip it, and snip it, Was simply delightful. She'd swear she "looked frightful" As into my bosom I'd slip it, I'd slip it. But one among dozens, on heads like my cousin's, Love-larceny was, and not robbery, robbery. If now I dared sever from "tousle-mops" clever One tress, there would be a rare bobbery, bobbery.

Ah me! how times alter! My scissors would falter In trying a _Rape of the Lock to-day, Lock_ to-day. NELL'S trim buxom body, with curls thick and "doddy," Would strike the æsthete with a shock to-day, shock to-day. You only see ringlets on some "poor old thing." Let's Be kind to the _passé_, but primness, but primness, With "winkle" curls shaking, is _not_ very taking, When linked with old-spinster-like slimness,--like slimness.

I know an "old Biddy"--her name is Miss TWIDDY-- Who revels in ringlets curled carefully, carefully. Oh how they doddle around her old noddle! She's "songful," a taste which I share fully, share fully. But when she will warble of Halls--they're of Marble,-- Or Meetings by Moonlight, I'm sorry, I'm sorry To see curls, and passion, so out of the fashion, Made mock of by "Up-to-date" FLORRY, -date FLORRY.

But ringlets reviving? Miss TWIDDY'S long striving For "Passion's Response" mayn't be hopeless, be hopeless. In "Days of Pomatum" (for that's how I date 'em) They used more Macassar, and soap less, and soap less! Inopportune rain then put things out of train then, NELL'S mop, how a shower would spoil it, would spoil it! Curl-papers, concealing--but there, I'm revealing The mysteries dark of the toilet, the toilet.

But ringletted friskers, and mutton-chop whiskers, For "buns" and blue gills closely shaven, -ly shaven! 'Tis sheer revolution! High Art's contribution Will be first to croak _à la_ raven, _la_ raven. Will girls then all giggle with ringlets a-wriggle, As most of the maids of my youth did, my youth did? Will male "mutton-chopper," scowl pompously proper, Like _Dombey_--as _our_ sires in sooth did, in sooth did? * * * * *

LIFE (AND DEATH) IN SOUTH AMERICA.

(_Diary of the week's doings, from our own Correspondent on the Spot._)

_Monday._--Matters are still very unsettled, and it will take some time before public confidence is entirely restored. The policy of the President in defending the Tramways Extension Bill from the citadel with grape-shot is condemned as an unwise stretch of the provisions of the Constitution. It has caused a reorganisation in the Cabinet, the Secretary for the Interior having resigned, taking with him six regiments of cavalry, four battalions of infantry, and three brigades of artillery. This desertion has naturally lessened the chance of the Employers' Liability Amendment Bill passing this session except at the point of the bayonet. The division on the first reading of the Telegraph State Construction Bill was Ayes, 50 killed, 3 wounded; Noes, 12 killed, 172 wounded. Should this measure pass its second reading it will be opposed from barricades in committee.

_Tuesday._--Trade shows some signs of revival, but the continual bombardment of the Stock Exchange by the opposition fleet in the offing causes considerable confusion and annoyance. The Minister of War has retired into a parliamentary cave accompanied by the militia. It is considered not improbable that this member of the ministry may throw his ammunition into the scale against his colleagues. The Pauper Property Insurance Bill has not much chance of passing during the present year, unless its supporters can bombard the capital. The second reading of the Lunacy Acts Consolidation Bill was passed with the assistance of three ironclads and a torpedo catcher. In spite of the pacific turn that events are now taking, some of the older inhabitants express considerable uneasiness.

_Wednesday._--The British Consul has given notice that he will hold the ministry responsible for the damage done to his residence. On account of the bombardment he and his family have been forced to reside in a distant greenhouse. The remainder of the consulate is razed to the ground. This being the President's birthday, the hall of the _bureau_ has been crowded with infernal machines sent as presents. The loud ticking of the concealed machinery has caused several complaints to be made to the _concierge_. The President and his family have returned to the seaside. They are being hotly pursued by a large body of cavalry, infantry, and artillery. However, on the whole the outlook is brighter, and the trains and omnibuses have recommenced running.

_Thursday._--The President has returned to the capital, as the lodgings he had taken at the seaside were discovered by the rebel fleet, and bombarded. The business of the session progresses slowly but surely. The Minister for War, with the assistance of the Militia, has secured the passing of the vote dealing with his department. He led the charge in person that carried the "Ayes" Division Lobby. If it were not for the constant bombardment of all the principal buildings, and the occasional slaughter of Members of Parliament, things would be almost normal. There is no doubt that the outlook is peaceful.

_Friday._.--Things still quieting down. Traffic in the main thoroughfares is suspended, because the roads are required for charges of cavalry, and the squares are now used for shell practice. The fleet have approached closer. This, of course, causes some additional damage; but as the populace can now hear the bands of the various ships during the pauses in the bombardment, the arrangement is rather popular than otherwise. The Government have apologised to the British Consul for having blown up his house and stables. The incident consequently is at an end. Several Members of the Cabinet have accepted the Consul's invitation to lunch.

_Saturday._.--The Revolution is practically at an end. The fleet are still bombarding the forts, and the military charge every ten minutes the populace. The Judges, too, find cause for annoyance in the constant invasion of the judicial bench by armed artisans. Most of the fashionable part of the city is in flames, but this is a detail. However, taking all things into consideration, peace and tranquillity may be said to be now restored. Of course they are not exactly the peace and tranquillity of Europe, but they are what people are accustomed to over here. Should anything of further importance transpire it shall be wired immediately; but to all appearance the insurrection is at an end.

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TO THE CONTESTANTS IN THE COAL WAR.

Oh, stint your rage, abate your rash insanity! Fight not like fiends, as brother men agree; And be "the sweet, sad music of humanity," Played in the _miner_ key!

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THE IDEAL CONVERSATION.

[Miss EMILY FAITHFULL, in the _Ladies' Pictorial_, suggests that girls should always learn up some contribution to make to the family conversation at table.]

Miss FAITHFULL, let me send a line Of most sincere congratulation On your magnificent design To raise the tone of conversation; The plan you kindly recommend Rejoices many a careful mother, And, for the future, we intend, As runs the phrase, "To use no other."

At breakfast-time we used to talk On topics commonplace together, Designed a picnic, planned a walk, And even criticised the weather; We gossiped in an idle way, And made in turn our several guesses About the age of Mrs. A., The price of Lady X.'s dresses.

But now, according to your scheme, Each carefully-instructed maiden Discourses on a worthy theme, And comes with fact and figures laden; To-day, for instance, MURIEL gave Some gems from CICERO'S orations, While MAUD reviewed, in language grave, The Lower Tertiary Formations.

And KATE--the mischief-making KATE Who formerly would merely prattle-- Described, in accents most sedate, The use of cavalry in battle. In fact, by this most noble plan, Which on your kind advice we're using, Our conversation never can Deserve your censure as amusing!

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THE FOOL WITH A GUN.

(_To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Antony."_)

There are many fools that worry this world, Fools old, and fools who're young; Fools with fortunes, and fools without, Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt, Fools who snigger, and fools who shout, Fools who never know what they're about, And fools all cheek and tongue; Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads, Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads; Fools with manias, fools with fads, Fools with cameras, fools with tracts, Fools who deny the stubbornest facts, Fools in theories, fools in acts; Fools who write Theosophist books, Fools who believe in Mahatmas and spooks; Fools who prophesy--races and Tophets-- Bigger fools who believe in prophets; Fools who quarrel, and fools who quack; In fact, there are all sorts of fools in the pack, Fools fat, thin, short, and tall; But of all sorts of fools, the Fool with a Gun (Who points it at someone--of course, "in fun"-- And fools around till chance murder is done) Is the worsest fool of them all!

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"BEING AT CHARGES."--A subject for companion picture to the well-known "_The Last Charge at Waterloo_" would be "_The Last Charge of the Archbishop of Canterbury_." For ourselves, in preference to either the ecclesiastical or the military view of a charge, we like to hear the Lord Mayor's toast-master call out, "Gentlemen! _Charge_--your glasses!!"

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UNDER THE ROSE.

(_A Story in Scenes._)