Part 2

WELL, here we are just about gitting to the bend of our Citty Year, when we changes our raining Sovverain, altho he is but twelve munse old, and takes on a new one, for better or wuss as the case may be, and in this case I most suttenly thinks that it would be werry differcult indeed to change for a better, for it tisn't not only me and all my tribe, as _Shylock_ calls us, but all the many hundreds, if not thowsends, as has had a share of the Rite Honnerabel the LORD MARE'S noble ospitality, must all agree that a more liberaller, or hospitaler, or hopen artider Gent never entered the honored Manshun House than him who to ewerybody's regret is a going next week for to leave it!

Why, I ardly expecs to be beleeved when I says as we have sumtimes had as many as three or fore grand Bankwets in one week, and the LORD MARE woud get up as usual the nex morning as if he thort nothink of it! No more he did, no not ewen when the King of DENMARK himself came and dined with him at Gildall, and explained to him all about the unfortnet death of _Prince Hamlet!_

I do hear as we are to have such a Lord Mare's Sho as we ain't offen had, including, above all things that nobody coudn't have emagined, nothink less than a reel copy of the grand New Tower Bridge, and if that won't be a site for the estonished Multitood praps somebody will kindly tell me what woud be.

There was a tork of asking all the Roossian Sailors, who has been a having sitch a jolly time of it in France, to run over and jine the Sho first and the Bankwet arterwards, but it was werry doutful whether ewen all the Haldermen, much less all the Common Counselmen, coud have chatted away with them in their own native tung, so the idear was given up in favour of Fire engines and Fire men.

I've seen a goodish many Lord Mare's Shos in my time, and hopes to see a few more, in spite of the gellous growls of another body of gents as shall be nameless, but it woud suttenly be a grand joke to see the gellous body elluded to coming out in a London County show of their own, amid the skoffs and jiers and larfter of the emused Metrolopus!

ROBERT.

* * * * *

THE "OBERLAND" ROUTE.

["A scheme for making a waterway between Switerland and the Adriatic is to be submitted to the Federal Government at no very distant date."--_Westminster Gazette._]

_British Minister, Bern, to Lord Rosebery, London._--A MR. JONES, who says he's a British subject, went up Pilatus to get view. Didn't get it. Also complains of overcharge for candles at his hotel. Have demanded immediate satisfaction from Swiss Government. Please send Mediterranean Squadron to Locarno.

_Lord Rosebery, London, to British Minister, Bern._--Can't spare the Squadron. Won't a gunboat do? You may speak strongly to Swiss Government. Tell them insult to JONES is insult to England. Meanwhile, wire best route for fleet to get up to Bern, if necessary. Don't see it on map.

_Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Owing to Mediterranean Squadron not having appeared at Locarno, Swiss Government very aggressive. Passenger steamers on Lakes of Geneva, Thun, and Lucerne being converted into a fleet. Special new _corps d'armée_ formed from Chamounix guides and patriotic hotel waiters. Man (whose name was ROBINSON) mistaken for JONES, and mobbed in streets last night. Some kind of Naval Demonstration absolutely necessary. Put ships on rail at Locarno, send 'em through Gothard Tunnel, and there you are!

_Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--British Government recognises gravity of the JONES incident. What do you advise? Aren't the Alps in the way?

_Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Didn't like to suggest details. Send ironclads. Ram something. Why not bombard Alps. Gunboat moored at Devil's Bridge might shell Andermatt. Leave it to you.

_Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--Sorry to say, European complications have now arisen from JONES incident. Swiss Government has offered its fleet to Russia and France. Triple Alliance tottering. Can't you get Swiss Government to apologise to JONES, and end business?

_Brit. Min. to Lord R._--Business _is_ ended. JONES not a British subject after all, but a Swede, who's travelled in America! Recall gunboat.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"RESH'PROSH'TY."

["What struck the TZAR ... in the recent festivities, was the feeling of fraternity which seemed to pervade the multitude.... The feeling of concord and fraternity appears to survive the last echoes of the festivities.... The word now most frequently heard is 'Amnesty.' This, indeed, is the fittest coping-stone to prolonged festivities characterised by universal concord."--_Times' Paris Correspondent._]

_President._ "Prolonged feshtivitish!" Thash good, that ish! _Very_ prolonged, ole f'ler, an' _awf'ly_ feshtive! _Tzar._ Yeah, tha' what shtruck _me!_ (_Aside._) But I really wish He wouldn't gush. ROMANOFF pride turns reshtive! _President._ _Sho_ glad it shtruck you sho! An' nurrer thing You _mush_ ha' notish'd. Feeling of fraternity All over shop! I shay, may friendship's wing Ne'er moult a feather, not to all eternity. _Tzar._ I echosh tha' fine Shwiveller shentiment Entirely! (_Aside._) I must not appear too sober. _President._ Now Fransh ish shatishfied--an' world content! Republic won't forget thish last October! Feelingsh of concord, cetra, _will_ survive Last echosh of feshtivitish--for ever! _Tzar._ Oh, coursh! Asshure you I am quite alive To reshiproshity--shan't forget it--never! _President._ Thash ri' ole f'ler! _Our_ resh--hic!--proshity-- Not like the comic Yankee's, all one shide? _Tzar._ Certainly not! Shorry to say good-bye! But though our bodiesh part, our soulsh are tied. _President._ Precishly! We're _both_ tight--mean tied--in knotsh. The champagne, an' the speeches, an' the kisshes Have bound our bosomsh, and combined our lotsh! _Tzar._ Quite sho! (_Aside._) I'll watch a chance to hint my wishes. _President._ We've had a jolly time, and now, ole f'ler, Ash "coping-shtone" to all this talk and toddy, As shequel to thish patr'otic stir, I'm going to amneshty--yesh, _everybody!_ Wha' shay, dear ROMANOFF, will you do same? Jush show, y' know, that thersh no animoshity! _Tzar_ (_aside_). Oh, _that_ is the Republic's little game? Russia can't stand _that_ form of reciprocity! (_Aloud._) All ri', ole f'ler, you jush leave that to _Me!_ Mosh noble notion, that shame "coping-shtone!" By way, ole f'ler, talking of amneshty-- _Could you just 'blige me with a trifling Loan?_

* * * * *

THE PROFESSION OF--JOURNALISM.

(_An Entirely Imaginary Letter._)

Dear MR. B-CH-N-N,--Our famous Third Page rather dull lately. Couldn't you enliven it up by one of your characteristic letters--say on "The Profession of Literature"? Say all the old things about its degrading effect on those who follow it, including yourself--the public loves to see a vivisection in public--and be sure to spice it well with distinguished names, such as SW-NB-RN-, R-SS-TT-, etc. Any depreciatory anecdotes would be very telling, and serve to evoke indignant _free_ replies from those who wouldn't guess they were jumping to a prepared bait. I shall count on you for a column.

Yours faithfully,

THE EDITOR OF THE ----.

P.S.--Of course you will be insulted at the usual rate.--ED.

[_Result--the usual one on the famous Third Page._

* * * * *

Mot by a Member.

(_During the Debate on the Second Reading of the Parish Councils Bill._)

FOWLER was longish, LONG was even longer, MORE was much less so, STANHOPE little stronger; But HENEAGE even when brief's sublime He's not for Hene-age, but for all (our) time! What a relief after such thrice-skimmed milk To get truth's cream from ROLLIT and from DILKE!

* * * * *

THE LATEST "GLASS OF FASHION."--The dress fashioned of spun-glass, as a royal robe for the Princess EULALIA of Spain, and exhibited at the Chicago World's Fair.

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* * * * *

"BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY."

(_Rudyard Kipling passim._)

TOM'S uncle by his will Left TOM in greatest glory. There _was_ a codicil-- "But that's another story."

PHIL wooed a fair one, KATE; She met him _con amore_. The damages were great-- "But that's another story."

HUGH'S rent (for an address!) Was far and wide _in ore_. His suite now costs him less-- "But that's another _story_."

Of readers not a few Deem RIDER HAGGARD gory. We have MACBETH, it's true-- "But that's another story."

One JOSEPH was enrolled-- Though now a sort of Tory-- A Williamite of old-- "But that's another story."

Some maids would make it known They'll wait till locks are hoary, But wed for love alone-- "B u t t h a t 's another 'story.'"

* * * * *

IN BLACK AND WHITE.

(_A Modern Glove Romance._)

THAT pair of gloves you wore when first we met Were what you called, I think, a "pair of loves." You won them from your cousin on a bet-- That pair of gloves.

Now as to colour, this or that shade proves A shade expensive, runs you into debt. Tan's universal, while a tint of dove's Particularly nice for evening. Yet Black with white stitching most my fancy moves, And such were yours. I never can forget That pair of gloves.

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* * * * *

RHODES TO ----?

SIR HENRY LOCH may hold the key In Africa, but all must see That RHODES the handle hath fast grip on, Shouts "Let her rip!"--despite Lord RIPON. Cut is poor LOBENGULA'S comb, 'Tis said that all roads lead to Rome. The new Ring that old saw explodes; Where'er we roam we're led to--RHODES. Whether or no this Great Panjandrum (Who handles well the pen, sword, _and_ drum) Is the true friend of Civilisation, And puts her laws in operation; At least he can maintain with pride, He has her Maxims on his side.

* * * * *

FABIUS FIN-DE-SIÈCLE.

[The Fabian Society, in the _Fortnightly Review_, has "launched a manifesto, which proposes that the Government shall be attacked by extreme Radicals because it has only met them half way."]

* * * * *

STRANGE that a "Fabian policy," up-to-date, Should be so obviously _not_ to wait! Sure the Society's name is chosen ill! RUPERT the title-rôle might fitlier fill. The Fabian Manifesto frightens no man; But just conceive the great, but cautious, Roman Heading a restive, Radical "Ugly Rush"! Though Patience suffers in the Modern Crush, Perchance the Socialistic perorator Might learn a lesson from the great Cunctator!

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THE CABMAN'S GUIDE TO POLITENESS.--No. II.

_Question._ I think when you are out of temper, and have been asked by a Fare, who appears to know more (or less) about distances than you do, to stop, you pretend not to hear him?

_Answer._ Yes; and I continue not to hear him until a policeman pulls me up.

_Q._ Quite so; and then you have a way of giving a jerk while your Fare is getting in which either covers a lady's dress with mud, or all but breaks the leg of a gentleman?

_A._ Well, I have known such things to happen.

_Q._ And when you reach your destination, you carefully forget the number of the street or square, and are equally hard of hearing if your Fare attempts to direct you?

_A._ You have hit it, especially if it's raining.

_Q._ Of course. And when you get your money, you sneer and drive away, as if you were disgusted?

_A._ Yes. And as I go off I make as much splash as I can, in the hope of my late fare getting a dose of the mud.

_Q._ Exactly. Now, don't you think it would be better to come up cheerfully, drive carefully, and when you receive your money, observe, "Well, Sir (or Madam), I know I have no right to more, but times are hard, and if you would spare an extra sixpence, I should consider it a real kindness?" Would not that mode be better than the other? Would it not be more profitable?

_A._ It might, but I can't say, as I have never tried it.

_Q._ Again, what is your method of obtaining what you consider to be your rights from a mother with two boxes and four small children?

_A._ Why I generally swear at the kids and sit on the boxes until I am paid what I ask, or get sent to the right-abouts by a policeman.

_Q._ No doubt; yet such a course seems both barbarous and inconvenient. Could you not improve upon it?

_A._ Not I. It is the right thing to do, and that is why I do it.

_Q._ And yet would it not be as easy for you to help the boxes down yourself, and then to make friends with the mother through her children? Could you not observe, "Bless their hearts, they are fine lads, or young ladies (as the case might be), and you should be proud of them, mum?"

_A._ Yes, I might say that, but I don't think the mother would come down with the cash any quicker on account of it.

_Q._ But supposing, when you were offered less than you thought due to you, could you not observe, "I have children of my own, mum, and if you could spare a couple of shillings (or half-a-crown, or what you thought right) more, it would be a real kindness, and give my children something more than bread and water for dinner?" Could you not say that?

_A._ I might, but I won't.

_Q._ But surely it would be pleasanter for you to be amiable and courteous instead of a bully and a brute? And would it not be easier, too?

_A._ Try for yourself. Just you drive a cab for a dozen hours in all weathers, and then you will learn what chances you have of feeling light-hearted and polite!

* * * * *

PREPARING FOR CHRISTMAS.

(_A Yule-tide Story told in Advance._)

Yes, SCROOGE was an altered man! He was genial and amiable, and altogether an estimable being. SCROOGE'S nephew was delighted with the change. He could scarcely believe his ears and eyes.

"And don't you really interfere with the theatres, Sir?" asked SCROOGE'S nephew. "At one time you were always telling them to take down this, and put up that, and making the lives of the managers burdens to them. Don't you interfere any longer?"

"Of course not, my lad," replied SCROOGE, heartily. "Why should I? This is the pleasantest world imaginable, and it would be less charming without its playhouses."

"Right you are, Sir," returned SCROOGE'S nephew; "but I suppose you look in occasionally at the halls to supervise the entertainments?"

"I look in to enjoy them, my boy!" cried SCROOGE, with a ringing laugh, that could be heard for furlongs. "What do they want with _my_ supervision?"

"I am sure I don't know, uncle; but I thought it was a way you had. And then you are going to strip the hoardings of the posters, aren't you?"

"I strip the hoardings of the posters! Why should I? The hoardings look a precious sight better covered with pictures than left to dirt and decay. I interfere with the hoardings! I never heard of such a thing! What put _that_ into your head?"

"Well, it used to be an old way of yours," returned SCROOGE'S nephew. "Why, uncle, don't you remember? You used to be interfering with and ordering about everything. Taking up the road and closing the thoroughfare. Bothering the costermongers and the retail shopkeepers and the small householders. In fact, making yourself a general nuisance in all directions. Why, uncle, you have entirely changed your nature!"

"Not at all," said SCROOGE. "I am not changed, but my office is. Do you not know that I have ceased to be a member of the London County Council?"

"No, this is the first time I have heard of it! Why, that accounts for everything! It explains why you are a pleasant, good-natured old gentleman in lieu of a curmudgeon and a brute. It explains everything."

And it did!

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* * * * *

NAME! NAME!--No name has been announced for the new daily paper projected by Mr. STEAD. In view of the plan frankly set forth in the prospectus, whereby one hundred thousand persons are to subscribe the capital, and if the venture proves a success the enterprising editor is to have the option of acquiring the property, a suitable title would be, _Heads-I-Win-Tails-You-Lose_. It is a little long, perhaps; but it precisely describes the relative positions, and you can't--at least some people can't--have everything.

* * * * *

DRAMATIC RECIPE (FROM THE QUEEN'S COOKERY BOOK).--First catch your HARE.

* * * * *

THE DARK CONTINENT IN TWO LIGHTS.

SCENE--_A conquered country._ TIME--_The Past. Conquerors (colonists) panting after their hard work in defeating the natives. Enter an_ Official. _The remaining members of the Colonial Band sing the National Anthem._

_Official._ I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. (_The Colonists indulge in feeble cheers._) But now my turn has arrived. In the name of the SOVEREIGN I claim this land for England!

[_Plants the British Flag. Curtain._

SCENE--_As before._ TIME--_The Present. Conquerors (colonists) smoking after the pleasant toil of mowing down the natives. Enter an_ Official. _The Colonial Band (in its entirety) takes no notice_.

_Official._ I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. (_The Colonists indulge in roars of laughter._) But now my turn has arrived. In the name of the SOVEREIGN I claim this land for England!

_Colonists._ No you don't! Be off! We can get on without you!

[_Turns Official and his Flag out of the Country. Curtain._

* * * * *

ARGENTINA.

[It is stated that JABEZ S. BALFOUR is living "in a perfect fairy-land."]

I Dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls, With orchids on every side, A very long way from Old Bailey's walls, Where NEWTON and HOBBS were tried. I had riches too great to count; could boast Of JABEZ, an elegant name; And I also dreamt, which charmed me most, Argentina loved me the same.

I dreamt that my country let me go, In an indolent sort of way, For Scotland Yard did not seem to know It would "want" me another day. So they carefully closed the stable-door, When I'd fled beyond reach of blame; And I also dreamt, which charmed me more, Argentina loved me the same.

I dreamt that detectives sought my hand, But their warrants I could not see. So their vows my swindler's heart could withstand, Though they pledged their faith to me. Buenos Ayres' bold, brazen face, Never glows with the blush of shame; Though I should be lynched in a decent place, Argentina loves me the same.

* * * * *

A GREAT FIELD FOR HUMORISTS ANNUALLY.--"_Wit acres'_ Almanack."

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P.

_House of Commons, Thursday, November_ 2.--Began work again to-day as if nothing had happened from February to September. Understood to have had a recess; so short hardly worth mentioning. Considering all circumstances, attendance marvellously large. MARJORIBANKS got his men together as usual, crowding benches on Ministerial side. Opposition not in quite such a hurry to wash their spears; but muster creditable. Irish camp deserted. "You see," said JUSTIN MCCARTHY, "it isn't our funeral. But the bhoys are hanging round and will turn up if wanted."

HENRY FOWLER moved Second Reading Parish Councils Bill. Adroit and able speech; rather hard on WALTER LONG; to him deputed position of spokesman on Front Opposition bench. Brought down notes of convincing speech. FOWLER getting in first anticipated all his objections; met them with benevolent alacrity that disarmed hostility. What did statesmen opposite want? Anything in reason should be conceded. "Give your orders, gents, whilst the waiter's in the room."

This an admirable stroke of business, but a little depressing from spectacular point of view. No more pyrotechnics; no further meetings on the floor; no more grips at close quarters. HAYES FISHER looked on moodily; LOGAN passed Front Opposition bench without once so much as looking at place where CARSON is accustomed meekly to repose. Respectable elderly gentlemen like FRANCIS POWELL and JEFFREYS took the floor. Even contumacious COBB admitted soothing influence of the hour. Didn't want anything more than that Parish Councils should have power to take land wherever they found it, and divide it amongst the poor. As everybody agreed Bill in the main desirable, and since FOWLER had promised fullest consideration of amendments in Committee, seemed natural thing to do was forthwith to read Bill second time, and fix date of Committee.

"No, Sir," said STANLEY LEIGHTON, "I trust the House of Commons is not yet sunk so low as that. Confess I myself feel depressed. Couldn't to-night adequately fill my favourite and popular part of The Man from Shropshire. At least I'll deliver House from disgrace of bringing debate to a close for the puerile reason that we're all agreed Second Reading shall be taken."

So he wandered on; was just warming into Man-from-Shropshire manner, when midnight sounded and Debate stood adjourned.

_Business done._--Second Reading Parish Councils Bill moved.

_Friday._--For middle-aged gentleman of long experience never saw man so discomposed as JESSE COLLINGS was just now, when he let cat out of bag about future arrangements of the Unionists personal to himself. What is to be done with the Faithful One when JOSEPH comes into his own is favourite speculation in smoke-room. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE takes special interest in matter. Most men think JESSE should have Cabinet rank in Coalition Ministry.

"No," says the SAGE, "he should be a Viceroy, either of India or Canada. Cut out for the place; and there would be no question of salary, such as, seven years ago, embittered his relations with Mr. G."