Part 2

As in the case of the old farcical play _The Three Hunchbacks_, on which an _opéra bouffe_ was founded, and of all plays ancient and modern depending for their success on the exact physical resemblance existing between three distinct persons, directly the audience has grasped the fact, they enter heartily into the humour of the complications. Now, in _Tom, Dick and Harry_, the audience, having once mastered and allowed the given thesis, viz., that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, Mr. ERNEST PERCY, and Mr. ARTHUR PLAYFAIR are so exactly alike that even their own wives and sweethearts are unable to distinguish one _Antipholus_ from another _Antipholus_, and both or either from a third _Antipholus_, then the fun of the confusion gains upon them, and Mrs. R. PACHECO'S three-act farce at the Trafalgar Square Theatre gives the spectators fits, which assume the proportion of convulsions of laughter absolutely dangerous to the safety of various individuals. For this deponent can testify to the effect of the fun of the farce on a small boy in a box, who literally jumped with joy--quite a little Jack-in-the-Box--and in his excitement would have precipitated himself into the stalls, but for the united energies of the family party, which retained him amongst them by sheer force. He had been less wildly enthusiastic about _Pickwick_, owing, perhaps, to the restraining appearance of _Tommy Bardell_, whose presence on the stage the Boy in the Box might, perhaps, have been inclined to view with disfavour, though giving a rapturous welcome to Miss JESSIE BOND'S charming impersonation of _Mrs. Bardell_, to Mr. LITTLE'S life-like _Pickwick_, and to Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY'S sentimental but sulky _Baker_. However he made up for any show of envy towards _Tommy_ by cordially applauding Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON's catching melodies, which are not less humourously than skilfully orchestrated; and his (I am still speaking of the Boy in the Box) genuine applause throughout the evening quite led that of the house, and was a real treat to witness, culminating as it did in a volcanic eruption of irrepressible joy at the conclusion of the second act of _Tom, Dick and Harry_. Miss VANE FEATHERSTON, the Misses ESMOND and WILLIAMS, the ever-clever Miss SOPHIE LARKIN, in a difficult part, Mr. W. F. HAWTREY as _Dr. Wagner_, the Specialist--specially good--and Mr. JOHN BEAUCHAMP, who quite revives the otherwise worn-out peppery stage-Indian General of old Haymarket and Adelphi farces,--all do their very best, and, with Mr. C. HAWTREY,--make the piece what it is, a thorough-going success. At least such is the opinion of

THE OTHER BOY.

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THE WESTMINSTER PLAY.

SCENE--_The Dormitory of St. Peter's College._

For three or four centuries Westminster's taught us To struggle with TERENCE and wrestle with PLAUTUS; This time the _Trinummus_ once more reappears, With a "run" on the boards of two thousand odd years.

Alma _Mater_ of Comedy truly's the "Dorter," Where long may each _rôle_ find a youthful supporter! If ever from "college" they're driven away, The Queen's Scholars' fate were "All work and no Play!"

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SEASONABLE DUETT FOR THE ZIERENBERGS (_adapted for their use by Henry Labouchere, Esq., M.P._). "Home, Home, Home, Sweet Home!"

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TOAST FOR THE INHOSPITABLE.--"Friends--_at a distance!_"

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A MESSAGE FROM THE SEA.

_Father Neptune loquitur_:--

John Bull, my friend, if an ear you'll lend to your true old messmate Neptune, It may do you good. We are mates in mood, and our hearts have always kept tune. The Isle that's right, and extremely tight-- which I trust that mayn't mean "groggy"-- Is our care, old chum! Well, the outlook's rum, and the prospect rather foggy! Oh! keep on your hair! There's no cause for Scare, though some party men, and papers, Do their best to raise a new Naval Craze. These be old, old party capers; For your angry Outs _always_ swell with doubts, whilst the Cocksure Ins, complacent, Swear that cause for care may be found-- Nowhere, or the parts thereto adjacent. You are not so green that mere party spleen, and the bogus bosh of boobies, Can play the fool with your judgment cool; 'tis a richer dower than rubies. Still a Fleet, old boy, is no party toy, no theme for factious scoffing, And--well, JOHN, I spot a tremendous lot of "furrin'" ships in the offing! Keep a weather eye upon sea and sky, and I think JOHN, altogether, You will deem it right to get all things tight, and prepare for dirty weather. "Britons never, never," sounds bold and clever; Britannia won't act as "slavey," But if "Missus" would keep her "home on the deep," you _must_ keep up a spanking Navy! Statistics fog, and there's no such bog as the brain of an average Briton When his Naval Nobs, and Finance Dry Bobs have got their fighting fit on. They talk great bosh, half their "facts" won't wash, and as to their figures endless,-- If from stern to stem you could see through _them_ you would _have_ more, JOHN, and _spend_ less! A word in your lug! There is no Hum-bug like that of a Naval Oracle, When he's "out in the wet"; on that you may bet--ah! an ironclad to a coracle! He _may_ mean well, but The Truth to tell in a fashion straight and steady, Without "cavort" or a "list to port," is as hard--as song to a Neddy! JOHNNY, old boy, you must just employ _your own wits_ on this business; Party debate will addle your pate, _ex-parte_ "facts" bring dizziness. Look for yourself, and you'll save much pelf, and good value get for your money, Squelch party fudge, be your own best judge, and you'll floor the croakers, JOHNNY!

Still, JOHNNY mine, on my breadths of brine, you must keep first place, or perish. 'Tis with that thought you have paid and fought, and that thought you still must cherish. Better plank down your last half-crown, than lose the Crown _I_ gave you, Let gold _and_ blood flow in full flood, than let the foe enslave you!

A rhyme, a rhyme for the Christmas time! It may not, JOHN, sound jolly, But to pipe and dance _whilst your foes advance_, were the maddest sort of folly. With pockets full Peace's pipe to pull, or to sip your grog and slumber, Is nice; but you'll wake to a huge mistake _if your foes your Fleet outnumber_! Get your Fleet, old man, _cheap_ if you can, but at all costs _get your Fleet_, JOHN! Ships, guns and crew more than any two of the foes you are like to meet JOHN! Take your old friend's tip, let _no_ chance slip, and be foiled by _no_ pretence, JOHN; Keep eye on the foe, build all you know, and big big D the expense, JOHN!

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OUR BARTERERS.

BICYCLE.--Thoroughly heavy, lumbering, out-of-date machine, recently doctored up to look like new, for sale. Cost, second-hand, six years ago. £4. Will take £12 for it. Bargain. Would suit a dyspeptic giant, or a professional Strong Man in want of violent exercise.

SAFETY CYCLE.--Pneumatic tyres. A real beauty. Makers well known in Bankruptcy Court. Owner giving up riding in consequence of the frame being thoroughly unsafe, and the tyres constantly bursting. Would exchange for one of BROADWOOD'S grand pianos or a freehold house in the country.

TURKEY CARPET.--Never used, as seller is not an absolute fool. Wretched condition guaranteed. As it has been kept for a year or two in a mouldy attic at a second-hand furniture shop, it is simply teeming with moths, but it is confidently anticipated that it will not fall to pieces in time for a purchaser to detect the fraud. Price, only double that of a first-rate new carpet of same kind.

RARE OPPORTUNITY.--A ten-pound note will buy my genuine Spiderette Arabesque Dunmow Beestof a Patent Safety Tricycle. Weighs only sixteen ounces. Seventy-four championships won on it, including that of Sierra Leone. Runs away up-hill. Impossible to stop it down-hill. Folds into a small biscuit tin. Every part equally fragile. A collar-bone and six ribs broken off it in one week's practise. Made at Coventry, and ought to be sent there. First applicant has it.

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* * * * *

TO BOBBY.

(_To the tune of "To Tommy."_)

BLUE BOBBY, brave and strong, They begin to right your wrong. Silent shoes, and now revolvers! That will do! Now I hope you'll make things plain To the brutal burglar train; And, Bobby, _Punch's_ best respects to you!

May "tips" swell your smallish pay On the coming Boxing Day; (For I know they're rather screwy with your "screw.") Shod and armed upon your round, Heaven keep you safe and sound, And, Bobby, JOHN BULL'S best respects to you!

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THE LILLY'S LESSON.--Mr. LILLY, in the _New Review_, reminds DIVES that "there is no excuse for riches which are divorced from public obligation." This cuts deeply! Possibly DIVES would retort upon the author of "Shibboleths" that riches _require_ no "excuse." At any rate we do not often find men making excuses for being rich, though apologies for poverty are common enough. All the same, _Mr. Punch_ would strongly recommend DIVES--especially at this festive season--to "consider the (W. S.) LILLY"!

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"A LONG BREAK."--_À propos_ of our picture in last week's issue, we have received the following suggestion:--"Sir, if MR. GLADSTONE, the great billiard player, wishes to continue his 'long break,' wouldn't it be advisable for him '_to take a rest_.'--Yours truly, BREAKERS A. HEAD."

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SEASONABLE REFLECTION.

(_By an Old Fogey._)

We are hearing a lot of "the Buffer State"; Faith! it comes to us all--after Forty-eight! When from gout, and the pretty girls' scorn, we suffer, We have all arrived at the state of the "Buffer."

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"FOR THIS RELIEF--MUCH THANKS." _Shakspeare._--A correspondent in the _Pall Mall Gazette_ recently complained of the disappearance of "Thank you," and the substitution of "Thanks" and "Thanks awfully." Why not? It is but a revival of the ancient Latin form "_gratias_," and surely plural "Thanks" indicates indefinitely more thankfulness than an uneffusive, frigid, singular "Thank you," signifying "I thank you." Let us be Shakspearianly classical, as in the quotation above given, and say "Much thanks." So again, "I am poor in thanks--but I thank you." Here the relative value of the plural and the singular in thanks is well brought out.

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BALL _VERSUS_ BALL.

LYTTELTON and LANG--with all Whom pure prejudice can't fetter,-- Say--concerning games at ball-- Golf is good but Cricket better. Wisdom owns an ounce of practice Worth a ton of theory. Fact is, Those who set that saw a-run, Had not seen a LYTTEL-TON! Who performs as well as teaches, And can practice what he preaches.

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"AFTER THE BALL" IN PARIS.

MY DEAR MONS. PUNCH,--I am delighted! I am overjoyed! Why, your Oxford College has accepted the challenge of our Racing Club to play a game of _kic bal_ this month of December! It is good! It is very good indeed! It makes cold, so I can not go for to see the sport.

But permit me, I would propose these rules in the cause of humanity, for the sake of civilisation. I give them below. They are not many:--

_Proposed Rules for "le jeu de kic bal" between Oxford College and Racing Club._

1. No kickers to approach closer to one another than six yards distance.

2. The scrimmage to be interdicted. Sergent de ville to be on guard on the ground to prevent assaults even of the most trifling character.

3. Boots not to be worn, but dancing-pumps.

4. The players to wear fur-lined coats, and to take arm-chairs on the ground for their comfort.

5. The "kic bal" to be made of inflated india-rubber, with a hole in the centre, so that it shall collapse without causing injury.

6. No game of "kic bal" to last more than five minutes, and after every game a pause of one hour to be permitted, so that the players may have necessary rest and proper refreshment.

And yet one more suggestion. But this shall not be a rule but only an offering. I make you a present of the idea--so charming--as a compliment of the season. Let the goals be made of Christmas-trees, let the "kickers" be covered with holly and mistletoe (like your "Jack-in-the-Green"), and instead of a brutal, rough, hard, uncomfortable globe of leather, let the "kic bal" be a veritable plum pudding!

Your hand! I wish you "Joking Christmas Amiable New Year." Your friend--and brother, "gentlemans ridere,"

_Paris in December_.

(_Signed_) JULES.

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NEWS FROM MONTE CARLO.--Mr. J-HN M-RL-Y is, we are glad to hear, much better. _Rouge gagne._

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A WINDY CORNER AT BRIGHTON.

(_By an Impressionist._)

Old lady first, with hair like winter snows, Makes moan. And struggles. Then, with cheeks too richly rose, A crone, Gold hair, new teeth, white powder on her nose; All bone And skin; an "Ancient Mystery," like those Of HONE. Then comes a girl; sweet face that freshly glows! Well grown. The neat cloth gown her supple figure shows, Now thrown In lines of beauty. Last, in graceless pose, Half prone, A luckless lout, caught by the blast, one knows His tone Means oaths; his hat, straight as fly crows, Has flown. I laugh at him, and---- Hi! By Jove, there goes My own!

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MOTTO FOR LADY CHAMPAGNE DRINKERS.--"Sweetness and light!"

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THE BLUE BELLES OF SCOTLAND.

(_Latest prose version from the Modern Athens._)

SCENE--_A Dressing-room._ TIME--_The Present._ CHARACTERS--_A_ Mistress _and her Maid_.

_Mistress._ Now then, MARY, you really must make haste or I shall not be in time. Have you got my latest bonnet from Paris?

_Maid._ Yes, Madam. I told JOHN to put the foot-warmer and the carriage rug in the brougham.

_Mistress._ Quite right; and now have you got my fan?

_Maid._ Yes, Madam, and I suppose you will want your opera-glasses?

_Mistress._ Naturally; how could I see anything distinctly without them? There is sure to be such a crowd. And, by the way, have you got me a packet of literature?

_Maid._ Yes, Madam. Three novels, and all the illustrated papers.

_Mistress._ If there are many delays I shall be able to pass the time pleasantly. And the luncheon basket?

_Maid._ Yes, M'm. Cold fowl, flask of sherry, some celery, a pound cake, knives, forks, glasses, plates, salt, mustard, bread, and a bottle of soda-water. Is there anything else?

_Mistress._ Well, perhaps I might carry in my muff my pocket camera. 'Tis just possible I may be able to get a snap-shot at the principal character.

(_Enters the carriage._)

You haven't given me my special ticket.

_Maid._ Here it is, Madam. Shall I tell JOHN to drive to the Concert-room?

_Mistress._ No, no. Tell him to take me to the Court. I am going to assist at a trial for murder!

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SEASONABLE SAYINGS.

There is many a slip between the house and the church on a frosty morning.

You cannot make a respectable tradesman out of a grocer who offers tips to a working-housekeeper.

You may take a dustman's token to a stingy man's portal, but you can't get him to give you a Christmas-box.

A dun in need is a county court indeed.

It is a long dinner that has no earning.

People who live in glass houses should not throw away their coke and coals.

Deal with the Stores and the private accounts will look after themselves.

A penny saved by avoiding an omnibus is a florin lost by taking a Hansom cab.

A single swallow never represents a family Christmas dinner.

Enough is often dearer than a feast, especially if you take the last at the house of a friend.

Send an acquaintance an old card about Christmas on Boxing Day, and he will return you a second-hand greeting on the 2nd of January anent the New Year.

Give credit at Christmas and you will find you still have money owing to you at Easter.

Christmas comes but once a year, and bores for the length of a century.

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* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, December 11._--Remarkable testimony to catholicity of DICKY TEMPLE'S mind that he should just now have been talking about Siam. Various other topics to the fore. The Featherstone inquiry; Matabeleland, in which the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE takes unfaltering interest; Betterment, and, incidentally, the Parish Councils Bill. Only TEMPLE thinks of remote, unfriended, solitary Siam. Wants to know when papers including most recent correspondence will be published? EDWARD GREY taken at a disadvantage. Wasn't thinking of Siam. Just been looking up map to find out precise situation of Kilia mouth of the Danube. CAP'EN TOMMY BOWLES been, so to speak, jumping down it. Suspects the CZAR of iniquitous intention in this part of the world. CZAR evidently thought the CAP'EN, being intent on the education of MUNDELLA in nautical affairs, would not have time to keep an eye on the Kilia mouth of the Danube. CZAR knows better now. So does EDWARD GREY. Spent quite an interesting quarter of an hour with the map, and came at last upon this particular outlet. Just congratulating himself that, as a rule, British rivers have only one mouth, when TEMPLE sprang Siam upon him.

"Do you know," said Member for Sark, looking admiringly at the great historiographer of Parliament, "I never see TEMPLE on his legs but I think of OVID'S epitaph on the parrot. You remember how it runs in English?--

'I please the fair. So much this stone doth tell. What more? I talked, and, for a bird, talked well.'

"I have a theory, which, if you had time, I would illustrate by half-a-dozen examples taken on glancing round the House, that three out of five human faces have a strong resemblance to some particular bird. Not that I mean to say TEMPLE'S like a parrot, except of course inasmuch as he pleases the fair. He is a man of tireless industry, sound judgment, wide knowledge of affairs and has, withal, an old-fashioned courtesy of manner not too common in these days. Still, as I say, when I watch him addressing the SPEAKER the parrot's epitaph haunts my memory."

_Business done._--Clause XIII added to Parish Councils Bill.

_Tuesday._--To-night DON'T KEIR HARDIE, having left hands and face unwashed for an extra day, his hair uncombed for an added week, put on his worst Sunday suit and presented himself to House as model working-man, champion of the unemployed. DON'T KEIR'S misfortune is that he has not succeeded in recommending himself to good opinion of other Labour Members. When he moves in House they move off; consequence is he is left to support of aristocrats above the gangway. They don't particularly admire DON'T KEIR, his ways or his cause. But, as TOMLINSON says, under impression he is quoting from SYDNEY SMITH, "any stick will do to beat a dog with." If DON'T KEIR moves Adjournment, and best part of night can be taken for making speeches, so much delay is interposed in way of Parish Councils Bill, and by so much is chance bettered of Government failing in their intention of passing the whole Bill. Therefore, though other Labour candidates will have nothing to do with DON'T KEIR, there are four hours talk, an odd quarter of an hour added for a division, and thirty-three Members, chiefly belonging to the Gentlemen of England, going into Lobby with the Leader whom ROWLANDS distantly alludes to as "The hon. Member for West 'Am," cunningly conveying by inflection of voice the impression that the cut is from a hopelessly inferior part.

Debate, on the whole, patchy, with hopeless air of unreality about it. Nevertheless, worth having, if it were only for speech of PRINCE ARTHUR. A scholarly philosophic deliverance, striking unaccustomed note in Parliamentary debate. Pity Mr. G. wasn't there to hear it. Or perhaps it isn't a pity. If he had been, he would have found the temptation to reply irresistible; at least another half hour would have been wasted.

_Business done._--Reached Clause XVI. Parish Councils Bill.

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* * * * *

_Thursday._--Spirits of good Ministerialists a little damped by persistent and successful tactics of Opposition. As JESSE COLLINGS said just now, with tears in his eyes, they are anxious, above all things, to see Parish Councils Bill added to Statute Book. Only they won't let it pass. Twentieth night in Committee; still not half way through Bill as Clauses count. Been sitting on Saturdays; shall have Christmas holidays cut down to 25th and Boxing Day; then begin again, with prospect of more drudgery, and, when Bill through, and prorogation possible, the new Session of 1894, young, fresh, and lusty, waiting to be waltzed with. An infant in arms, looking in on House from peep-hole by glass door, and finding TAY PAY on his legs denouncing the Opposition, is deeply impressed.

Later, at period of apparent collapse HALDANE happily appears on scene. Not a man habitually prone to enthusiasm. No sign on his placid visage of storm-swept soul. Circumstances sometimes stronger than man. To-day they break away the icy barriers of lethargic habit. HALDANE, unexpectedly rising from behind the harassed PREMIER, calls upon him to stand firm, resisting all temptations to surrender. "Stage of situation reached," he said, amid ringing cheers, "when we should not halt, much less retire, but should press forward to the goal. Ministers," he added, sternly regarding back of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S head, "would be betraying their trust if they flinched by one hair's breadth from the declarations they have made."

His clarion voice cleared air of doubt and perplexity. Ministerialists elate; Opposition correspondingly cowed; the way quite clear now for victory; only sit tight; to importunity present imperturbability; let Opposition once know that, thanks to fidelity and self-sacrifice of Liberal Members, House will sit till Bill is passed, and obstruction will collapse.

HALDANE had saved the citadel; the rout of the besiegers only a matter of time.