Volume 105, December 16, 1893.

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

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SEASONABLE SONNET.

(_By a Vegetarian._)

Yes, Christmas overtakes us yet once more. The Cattle Show has vanished in the mists Of time and Islington, but re-exists In piecemeal splendour at the store. Here, nightly, big boys blue are to the fore With knives and choppers in their greasy fists; And now, methinks, the wight who never lists Yet hears the brass band on the proud first floor. High over all rings "What d'ye buy, buy, buy?" The meat is decked with gay rosette and bow, While gas-jets beckon all the world and wife. A cheerful scene? A ghastly one, say I, Where mutilated corpses hang arow, And in the midst of death we are in life.

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AS THEY LIKED IT.--We read of the recent success at Palmer's Theatre, New York, of _As You Like It_, with all the parts played by women. Of course, everybody knows that this was a complete reversal of the practice of the stage in SHAKSPEARE'S own day, when the buskin was on the other leg, so to speak; but we are not told if the passage "Doublet and hose ought to show itself courageous to petticoat" was transposed to "Petticoat ought to show itself courageous to doublet and hose."

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THIS SETTLED IT.--"He may be irritable," observed Mrs. R., "but remember the old saying that 'Irritation is the sincerest form of flattery.'"

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A PLEA FOR PLEADINGS.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Last week I begged for a chance for the Briefless, and the only reply has been, that by a few strokes of the pen the Judges have ruined and undone the Junior Bar. On a day which will be known henceforth in the Temple as Bad Friday, we read the new Rules, by which in future it will be possible to have an action--_without pleadings!_ Statement of Claim, Defence, Reply, Rejoinder--all disappear into a beggarly "Summons for Directions," that can be drawn by a solicitor's office-boy. Of course, amongst the silks, the change will, no doubt, be popular. These learned gentlemen can with a light heart and a heavy pocket welcome the change, which will get rid of the pleadings which it is merely a nuisance to read. But what is to become of us whose business it is to draw them?

It may possibly be said that this new arrangement will save the pockets of the clients, but what have the Judges to do with that? Does anyone imagine litigation to be anything more than a pastime, at which those who play ought to be content to pay? In a hard winter, when the wolf is consistently at our door, to take the bread out of our mouths in this way, is a proceeding which (_pace_ Mr. GLADSTONE) takes the cake. I am sure Mr. GOSCHEN will welcome such an expression. In any case I appeal, Sir, through you, from the Judges to an enlightened paying public.

Yours faithfully, L. ERNED COUNSEL.

102, _Temple Gardens, E.C.,_ _Dec. 6._

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CAUSE AND EFFECT.--A razor and a _tabula rasa_.

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JOHN TYNDALL.

BORN AUG. 21, 1820. DIED DEC. 4, 1893.

HONEST JOHN TYNDALL, then, has played his part! Scientist brain, and patriotic heart Both still in the last sleep, that sadly came, Without reproach to love, or loss to fame. Rest, Son of Science, certain of your meed! Of bitter moan for you there is small need; But England bows in silent sympathy With her whose love, chance-wounded, all may see Steadfast in suffering undeserved as sore. _Punch_ speaks for all true hearts the kingdom o'er When mingling tribute to JOHN TYNDALL'S life With hushed compassion for his bowed but blameless wife

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A FEMININE TRIUMPH.--SHEE, Q.C., appointed Judge of the Court of Record at Salford. Naturally SHEE likes being courted. Pity it wasn't in Wales, as then they would Welshly-and-grammatically speak of "appearing before SHEE" as "appearing before _Her_." This is clearly an example of the "_SHEE who must be obeyed_."

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Murch Praised!

["Mr. JEROME MURCH, seven times Mayor of Bath, &c., and for thirty years chairman of, &c., has just published a volume, entitled _Bath Celebrities_."]

_Go to Bath, viâ_ book upon lap;-- No Bath bungler is here, but a rare man. You are certain to like this Bath chap; And there never was such a Bath chairman.

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UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.--The Oxford undergraduate who was caught red-(paint)-handed, and sent down for a year, forgot, no doubt, that _he_ had to be well read, not the town; but a year in the country will no doubt make him as fresh as the paint itself. Curiously enough, very popular still in his College, which shows no inclination to cut the painter!

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"SOMETHING LIKE A HUNTING RUN."--In the _Pall Mall_ last Thursday was the account of a grand run with "the Barlow Hounds." Of course _Sandford_ and _Merton_ were on ponies, and out with "their beloved tutor's" pack. Mr. BARLOW, of course, is both "Master" and "Whipper-in."

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THE TOPER'S TOAST.--"_Pot_-luck!"

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TRIP-LETS.

[Miss YOUNG writes from North Merton Vicarage to say that her turkeys have taken to step-dancing. "First two young 'toms' bowed politely to one another, then passed on with stately tread, skipped into the air twice in the most ludicrous manner, turned, and repeated the performance."--_See Daily Graphic, December 7._]

The lion, fleas, and kangaroo, Baboon, and shaving baby too, Have all had shows--here's something new!

Terpsichore and _Turveydrop_ Have taught the turkeycock to hop, To bow politely, skip and flop.

Like Cheshire cat, I would have grinned, To see the fowl of Western Ind Disport itself like LETTY LIND!

Enough of barn-and serpent-dance! We'll give the poultry-yard a chance-- With _pas de deux_-"_toms_" let us prance!

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CHARITY'S CRUX.--Charity begins at home, we are told. Perhaps. But at present, confused by rival claims and conflicting counsels, Charity seems to be "all abroad."

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A CHANGE OF PARTNERS.

["The world should be open to our national ingenuity and enterprise. This cannot be while Federal legislation, through the imposition of a high tariff, forbids to American manufacturers as cheap materials as those used by their competitors.... A measure has been prepared ... embodying tariff reform on the lines herein suggested."--_President Cleveland's Message to Congress_.]

GROVER CLEVELAND _sings_:--

(AIR--"_Are you coming to the dancing?_")

Oh! there's only one girl in the world for whom I care a dime, And I mean to be her partner--if you'll only give me time. It is nice to see her smiling and a-calling from way over, "Are you coming to the dancing, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER?"

_Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming, Are you coming to the dancing, Mr. GROVER, GROVER, GROVER? And I say, I guess I'm coming, Miss Free Trade, dear--as your lover!

"Come, GROVER, come!" my love will say; "just one turn in the dance, And _we_'ll show all competitors they have but little chance. That's why I love you GROVER, 'cause you're limber in your feet And defy the other fellows, to compete, pete, pete!"

_Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.

Miss Protection, my old partner's a bit _passée, entre nous_, Yet I mustn't all forsake her; she's exacting and a shrew; And to leave her quite a "Wallflower," and entirely in the shade, Would mean ructions; yet I _must_ try just one turn with dear Free Trade!

_Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.

So I'll kiss her little finger, and invite her to the waltz; Though the other turns her nose up (temper's one of her worst faults). But I say, "I cannot help it, dear; you're danced quite off your feet, And a rest will do you good, dear, I repeat, peat, peat!"

_Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.

"The ball-room should be open to a dancer's enterprise. I _must_ try a change of partners; your high-tariff step so tries. It's so stiff, and so exhausting, and a little Freedom's sweet; Whilst _I_ take one turn with Free Trade. _You_ can take a seat, seat, seat!"

_Chorus_--Are you coming, &c.

"Oh! she's been and asked her mother, and her mother's said she might. So sit down and don't show tantrums, for they make you look a fright." _May_ I ask you for just one turn, Free Trade, before this dance is over? And she answers "With much pleasure, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER!"

_Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming, Are you coming for one turn, my dear, before this dance is over? And she smiles--and I'm her partner--and hope soon to be her lover!

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"VARIETY! VA-RI-E-TY!"

"The Kilanyi Troupe" at the Palace Theatre of Varieties, with their strikingly realistic _Tableaux Vivants_, might well change their name _pro tem._ to "The Kill-any-other Troupe" that might be venturing in the same line. Of course, they are a great attraction, and would be still greater, were the Show varied from night to night, altogether omitting No. 6 in the present programme, and, in view of the popularity of "A tale of the tide," the humour of which is perceptible to everyone on account of the waggery in the tail, by substituting two or three comic for the simply classic _poses_. Mr. CHARLES MORTON, trading on his acquired store of operatic knowledge, might give us a statuette of _Les Deux Gendarmes_, who could just vary their attitudes according to the movement of OFFENBACH'S celebrated duett. After a short interval of patriotic song about NELSON and "doing duty" there is a capital French clown, or clown of some nationality, whose fun is genuine, and whose imitations, animal and orchestral, are excellent and really amusing. This is a case in which, if a real bassoon or a real hen intruded itself, either would be hissed, and the false honestly preferred to the real. Altogether, except that the ballet which plays the people out, and does play them out effectually, is old-fashioned, it is an excellent evening's entertainment. The County Council ought to come in their thousands, and, like the little dog who was so pleased to see the cow jumping over the moon, they would "laugh to see such sport."

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UNDER THE ROSE.

(_A Story in Scenes._)