Chapter 2

'em, can make use of this, they're welcome to it.

Yours, A PIP OF THE OLD ORANGE.

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HOOK-Y SAILOR.--"_Inauguration of a New Service to the Continent_ via _Harwich and the Hook of Holland._"

This sounds as if it ought to catch on. Is the Hook of Holland any relation to the THEODORE HOOK family of England? Were that eminent wit now alive, he would be the first to ask such a question. The route sounds a pleasant one.

_Advice to Tourists_,--Keep your Eye on the Hook.

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A CIVIL NOTE FOR THE MILITARY.

MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I observe that in a preliminary notice that has been sent round to the Press by the Executive Council (I suppose that that is the proper title of the Governing Body of the forthcoming Royal Military Tournament), it is said that there is likely to be some novelty in the mimic warfare known as the Combined Display of all Arms. The circular informs those whom it may concern, that "it is intended that, so far as space will allow, the scene shall be that of one of the more recent conflicts in which British troops were actually engaged, and special information from those present on such occasions has been invited, so that the result is likely to be of more than ordinary interest."

Quite so. I call your particular attention to the last few words in the above sentence, in which reference is made to "the special information from those present on such occasions." I thought the idea so good, that I immediately prepared a scheme for the adoption of the Royal Military Tournament, founded upon my acquaintance with the manners and customs of the English army when at Islington and elsewhere. I give it for what it is worth--not much, but (to quote the once popular song) "better than nothing at all."

ROUGH IDEA.

A dozen Infantry privates saunter leisurely into their places, half-way across the arena, and await events.

Enter Bridging Battalion, Royal Engineers. They bridge over an old cloth river. The dozen Infantry men wait until the erection is completed, and then fire a volley. The Sappers return the compliment. No one hurt, and the dozen retire to the tower-like gateway in the background. The Artillery at this point rush in and trot over the newly-erected bridge. They then fire in the direction of the dozen heroes, but without any apparent result.

Grand charge of Colonial Cavalry, with and without additional men. They act as Mounted Infantry. They are fired upon--in a half-hearted sort of way--by the dozen of Infantry seeking shelter in the gateway. The fire seems to agree with them.

Enter an Ambulance Corps to pick up one of the colonists who has obligingly been wounded by the blank cartridges of the dozen Infantry.

Sudden appearance of the strength of the entire company. The gateway is stormed, and the dozen Infantry men are overpowered. Music on the band--"_Rule Britannia!_" and the _National Anthem_. Great cheering while some one waves the Union Jack. End of the performances.

There, my dear _Mr. Punch_, that is what I have sent to the "powers that are" at Islington. Whether it has been accepted or rejected I do not know. You will be able to see for yourself when the proper time arrives.

But then, I can assure you, my sketch is _exactly like the real thing_. It is not unsuggestive of the Battle of Waterloo, the siege of Sebastopol, or the taking of Pekin. This is my "special information, as one present on such occasions," and it is heartily at the service of the Executive. To be worthy of my title, I would beg you to send me, say, a fiver, or even a sov, or (if that is too much) a dollar.

I do not ask for the money as a gift, but as a loan. I prefer the latter to the former, although a long experience has taught me that gift and loan have much the same meaning.

Yours truly, A VERY OLD SOLDIER.

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INAUDIBLE PROCEEDINGS AT THE HOTEL VICTORIA.--We have had "The Funny Frenchman" over here, at the Albambra, and now we have "The Calculating Frenchman," M. JACQUES INAUDI, who, last week, at a _seance_, exhibited his marvellous powers of addition, multiplication, subtraction, and division. It is an error to suppose that he was educated for the French Navy, and has been appointed to a ship, which he was to have adorned as a "wonderful Figure-head." By the side of this Figure-head the "Calculating Buoy" would have been quite at sea.

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THE MINSTREL BOY.

(_Latest Ulsterical Version._)

The Minstrel-boy to the war is gone, By the Belfast road he's coming; His Party sword he has girded on And his wild harp loud he's thrumming. "Land of bulls!" said the warrior bard, "Though GLADSTONE'S gang betrays thee, _One_ sword, at least, thy rights shall guard, _One_ faithful harp shall praise thee!"

The Minstrel's loud--though a little late; What he hopes to gain some wonder; But he swears that harp shall preserve the State, Which his foes would rend asunder. He shouts, "Home Rule shall not sully thee, Ulster, thou soul of bravery! I'll harp wild war, aye, from sea to sea, Ere the Loyalists stoop to slavery!"

ENCORE VERSE.

(_For use in Clubs and other places where men--and minstrels--are confidential._)

The Minstrel's hot, and a trifle tired, For his Whitsun task is a torrid one; Such holiday-fervour _must_ be admired, But the precedent's rather a horrid one. E'en Minstrel-boys of Ulsterical zeal, Might now and then like a jolly-day; And the brave bard's harp, and the warrior's steel, Take, together, occasional holiday.

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A WYLDE VADE MECUM.

(_By Professor H-xl-y._)

_Question._ What is rest?

_Answer._ Unperceived activity.

_Q._ Which is the best way of keeping awake?

_A._ By falling off to sleep.

_Q._ What is sleep?

_A._ Concealed consciousness.

_Q._ What is strength?

_A._ Weakness in excess.

_Q._ What is pessimism?

_A._ Optimism developed to its utmost possibilities.

_Q._ What are possibilities?

_A._ Impossibilities carried into action.

_Q._ What is selfishness?

_A._ Pity in the concrete.

_Q._ What is the summit of civilisation?

_A._ The commencement of barbarism.

_Q._ What is nature?

_A._ Art in its initial form.

_Q._ What is the survival of the fittest?

_A._ The Romanes Lecture.

_Q._ What was its comparative commencement?

_A._ Mr. GLADSTONE.

_Q._ And what has been its absolute end?

_A._ Positive ... bosh.

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"THE WORLD'S FAIR."--Yes, so it is, perhaps, occasionally, to some people; but "The World's _Un_fair" to those on whom it chooses to sit in judgment.

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MANNERS.

[Some indignation has been expressed at the manners of many of the "well-dressed mob" at the Prince of WALES's Reception at the Imperial Institute on Wednesday night last, manners displayed in rudely "mobbing" the Royal party, and hissing, hooting, and shouting "Traitor!" at Mr. GLADSTONE, one of the Prince's guests.]

EH? Indignation? Why _such_ passion waste? Gladstoneophobia has destroyed Good Taste; And rowdy rudeness does not shock, but please, "The mob of gentlemen who _hoot_ with ease. As for the ladies, bless their angry hearts! They've Primrosed into playing fish-wife parts; And now 'tis one of Patriotism's tests That you should hiss and hoot your fellow-guests. Should they dare don a rival party vesture; Billingsgate rhetoric and Borough gesture Invade the (party) precincts of Mayfair-- To express the vulgar wrath now raging there. We are Mob-ruled indeed--when Courtly Nob Apes, near his Prince, the manners of the Mob! The hoot is owlish; there are just two things That hiss--one venom-fanged, one graced with wings. Anserine or serpentine, ye well-dressed rowdies? Dainty-draped dames, or duffel-skirted dowdies, They who in rudeness thus their spite would slake, Have plainly head of goose, and heart of snake! So why indulge in indignation blind 'Gainst those who hiss or hoot--after their kind?

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* * * * *

"O SINO SAN!"

A TRUTHFUL JAPANESE IDYLL.

O SINO SAN! O SINO SAN! Who waketh me at morn! Why is it that I feel of thee unutterable scorn?

When I behold thy greasy poll and little piggy eyes, I fear that they have told of thee unwarrantable lies! They told me when I wandered forth to seek thee in Japan, That I should find a priceless girl, too beautiful for man.

They told me of thy cherry cheeks, thy hair of night-dark sable, And how you squatted on the floor--the Japanese for table; They gushed about your merry ways, your manners without flaw, In thee, the girl idealised, you little fraud, we saw.

But now in wind-swept bleak Japan as our sore throats we muffle, We see thy senseless pudding face and irritating shuffle; As you go slopping thro' the streets of your foul-smelling city, You're far too common to be rare, too brainless to be witty.

Your senseless, everlasting grin, your squatting monkey shape, Proclaim your Ma marsupial, your ancestor an ape!

A curio they promised us to drive a lover crazy, With little soft canoodling ways, and sweetness of a daisy. We read of thee in tea-house neat, in cherry-blossomed pages, But find a girl of gin-saloon and Yoshiwara cages.

You lure the European on, admire his rings and collars, But never really love his lips, invariably his dollars; We'd all forgive thy grin, guffaw, and rancid-smelling tresses, If we could trace thy fraud, O SAN, in half-a-dozen guesses. It's lasted long, it's lasted strong, it cannot last much longer, For if the crank be competent, my common sense is stronger.

The English woman flashes scorn from all her comely features, To be compared by any man with such "disgusting creatures." And all the fair Americans, who roam the wide world over, Will trample down this windy chaff and Japaneesy clover. 'Tis not thy fault, O SINO SAN--we find the truth and strike it, Farewell, thou AUDREY of the East--grin on then "As you Like It!" But never more by writer bold be canonised or sainted, Deluded Doll! O SINO SAN, you're blacker than you're painted!

_Yokohama, April 1, 1893._

* * * * *

OPERATIC NOTES.

_Monday, May 15._--First Night of Italian-Opera Season no longer exclusively Italian. A great deal, though not everything, in a good start, so Sir DRURIOLANUS leads off with Warbling WAGNER'S _Lohengrin_, Signor VIGNAS for first time being White Knight. Crowded House at once takes to VIGNAS; applauds, and recalls him to bow before the curtain. So, as the now popular song might have it,

"Tenor came and made us a bow-wow!"

Madame MELBA good as ever as _Elsa_, and Mlle. MEISSLINGER most dramatic as Somebody Elser, _i.e., Ortruda_, the Intruder. Mons. DUFRICHE'S style is exactly suited to the light and airy part of _Federico di Telramondo_, while CASTELMARY is quite the gay _Enrico_. Treat to see VASCHETTI as smiling Herald, with a lot to say for somebody else, and pleasant to note that the last person in the _dramatis personae_ included in the cast of the Opera is "Conductor, Signor MANCINELLI," who beats time, winning easily. BEVIGNANI conducts _National Anthem_, and all conduct themselves loyally on the occasion. Delightful, in _Lohengrin_, Act II., to observe how four players of trumps, each with one trump in his hand,--quite a pleasant whist party--(have they the other trumps up their sleeves?)--arouse the guests in the early morning, and marvellous is the rapidity with which all the gentlemen sleeping in the Castle are up and dressed in full armour, freshly burnished,--"gents suit complete,"--within the space of a couple of minutes!

General excellence of performance greatly assisted by Duke of TECK enthusiastically beating time with his dexter band. Such auxiliary conducting must be of unspeakable service to Signor MANCINELLI.

_Tuesday Night._--_Orfeo_, with GIULIA RAVOGLI charming as ever in her representation of "_Orpheus_ with his _loot_,"--his "loot" being _Eurydice_, who had become the private property of that infernal monarch Pluto. Welcome to Mlle. BAUERMEISTER as the Meister of Cupid's Bower, Cupid himself. _Cavalleria Rusticana_ to follow, with Madame CALVE'S grand impersonation of the simple and sad _Santuzza_. Notably good is VIGNAS as the Rustic Swell, with the comic-chorus name of _Turiddu_. Beautiful _intermezzo_ heartily encored. The thanks of Signors BEVIGNANI and MANCINELLI again due to the dexterous assistance rendered to them by the Duke of TECK, who is evidently well up in the Teck-nique of the musical craft. Crowded House. _Forecast of season_, full of promise and performance.

_Thursday.--Carmen._ Always "good BIZET-ness." But on this occasion Madame CALVE being indisposed, Mlle. SIGRID ARNOLDSON appears as heroine. A most captivating _Carmen_, but so deftly does she dissemble her wickedness that the audience do not realise how heartless is this artful little cigarette-maker. Mons. ALVAREZ a fine _Don Jose_. The _premieres danseuses_ lively and picturesque in Act II., with dresses long and dance short; but in Last Act, when reverse of this is the case, a pretty general feeling that skirts might have been longer, and dance shorter. Chorus and Orchestra all that could be desired; absence of the musical Duke much regretted.

_Friday._--First, GOUNOD'S charming burletta of _Philemon et Baucis_. Mlle. SIGRID ARNOLDSON charming and childlike as _Baucis_--evidently the classic original of Bo-peep--and Mons. PLANCON excellent as _Jupiter Amans_. At first afraid lest crowded house had expended all its enthusiasm before quarter past ten, when _the_ event of the evening was to come off. "Not a bit of it," says Sir DRURIOLANUS, who knows his operatic public; "they've just warmed up for LEONCAVALLO'S _Pagliacci_. LEONCAVALLO," he continues, "is the composer for my money; and my advice is, LAY-ON-CAVALLO'S _Pagliacci_." So saying, the Musical Manager lightly touches his nasal organ with the index finger of his right hand, and, at the same time "winking the other eye," he marches in a procession of one down the lobby and disappears.

Great as is the success to-night of new Opera, I feel sure that _Cavalleria_, with its simple story, and its marvellous _intermezzo_, is still at the head of the poll. Yet is _Pagliacci_ melodious and dramatic. Madame MELBA at her best in _Nedda_, and the dramatic power, specially of Signor DE LUCIA as _Canio_ and of Mons. ANCONA as _Tonio_, would have carried the piece, as a piece, even without the musical setting. To-night _De Lucia_ shows himself a great actor. There were _encores_ in plenty. _Ancona Tonio_ interrupts the overture in order to sing a prologue. This he does admirably, both vocally and histrionically. But _cui bono_? It is as pointless as is nowadays the prologue of CHRISTOPHER SLY to the _Taming of the Shrew_. It seems as if LEONCAVALLO said to himself, "_Mascagni_ gave 'em a novelty in his _intermezzo_; I'll give 'em something new in the shape of a prologue." _Pagliacci_ and _Cavalleria_ will assist each other, and Sir DRURIOLANUS is fortunate in being able to run two winners. The new Opera is admirably rendered in every respect, and when Mr. RICHARD GREEN, as the gallant young farmer, is matured--that is, has less of the GREEN about him and more of the ripeness of artistic perfection--there will not be a single fault to find with the representation. To-night second Opera didn't end till just on twelve. Too late; but the hospitable RULE'S in Maiden Lane is open to exceptions for half an hour or so, and, "after the Opera is over," a little supper _chez_ BAYLISS is a B(ay)lissful idea.

_Saturday.--Faust_ to finish. MELBA as _Marguerite_. First week augurs well for the season.

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* * * * *

THE LITIGANTS VADE MECUM.

_Q._ What is your opinion about Chancery?

_A._ That, thanks to work being given to Solicitors in preference to Barristers, litigation is more expensive in that branch of the science than in any other.

_Q._ How comes it that this should be so?

_A._ A Barrister is forced to do his best for his client, but a Solicitor is not. As a rule the Solicitor deputes to his Chief Clerk if he has one, or somebody in the office if he has not, the duties of conducting a suit through Chambers.

_Q._ What is the practical result of this arrangement?

_A._ That a suit when it once gets into Chambers takes a precious long time in coming out.

_Q._ But making allowance for these little drawbacks, what is your opinion of the Law in England?

_A._ That emphatically it consists of the best forensic regulations in the universe.

* * * * *

A NEW CLAUSE IN THE HOME-RULE BILL.--Instead of a Parliament in Dublin, let the Governing Body be called "A Diet," as it is in Bohemia. There would be a First House, to be called the "High Diet," and a Second House, to be called "Short Commons, or Low Diet." There would be no "Parliamentary Rules," but everything would be ordered according to a "Dietary." Perhaps Dr. ROBSON ROOSE might be induced to take a leading part in suggesting some of these arrangements. The "Orders of the Day" would be "Prescriptions," the Bills "Dinner-Bills," or "_Menus_." A Chairman, not a Speaker, would preside, and the subordinates--such as Clerks, Sergeant-at-Arms, and Assistants--would be Stewards, Head Waiters, and other Waiters. Prayers would be said by "The Ordinary."

* * * * *

ODDS in favour of Australian Cricketing Team--"GIFFEN" and taken.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_Home of Commons, Monday, May 15._--Mr. G. reminded of advance of time by appearance on Parliamentary scene of new generations. All remember when JOEY C. arrived from Birmingham, and have watched his meteoric flight from level of Provincial Mayor to loftiest height of Parliamentary position. Only the other week Mr. G. was paying well-deserved compliment to a younger CHAMBERLAIN making his maiden speech; to-day he has a kindly, fatherly word of friendly recognition of maiden speech of youngest CAVENDISH. No mere compliment this, extorted by old associations and personal predilections. Young VICTOR went about his work in style reminiscent of middle-aged HARTINGTON. Abstained from oratorical effort. Neither exordium nor peroration. Got some business in hand, and plodded on till it was finished. Modest mien, simple, unaffected manner, instantly won friendly attention of crowded House.

"_Ay de mi!_ TOBY," said Mr. G. "These things make me think I'm not so young as I was."

"Younger Sir," I said. "Pup and dog, I've known you twenty years; heard most of your speeches in that time; honestly declare that for lightness of touch, swiftness of attack, wariness of defence, not to speak of eloquence, I've never heard you excel some of your speeches this Session."

"Well, well, TOBY," said Mr. G., blushing in fashion never learned by youth of to-day, "that's due to your too friendly way of looking at things. What I was about to say is, that ever since I entered public life I have always known a CAVENDISH to the fore. Ministries may rise and fall; the CAVENDISHES remain. Curious thing is they have not--at least in recent times--personally a passion for politics, as PITT had, or such as, in some degree, influences me. They would, if they had their own way, be out of it.

But the CAVENDISHES have had their place in English public life throughout the Century, and, it being their duty to fill it, they fill it. Young VICTOR'S speech on Friday night carried me back over space of thirty-four years. I remember another CAVENDISH coming out. He moved resolution which defeated DERBY'S Government in 1859. I remember the difficulty we had in bringing him up to the scratch. It was BRIGHT who finally succeeded. BRIGHT always had great opinion of HARTINGTON'S ability, a view, as we have seen, amply justified. A great deal has happened since 1859, and now here's another CAVENDISH moving another Amendment, and, oddly enough"--here Mr. G.'s face wrinkled into smile of delighted humour--"it's ME who would be turned out of office if the Amendment were carried."

Being thus in melting mood, Mr. G. suddenly turned upon inoffensive JESSE COLLINGS, who had been saying a few words, and almost literally rent him into, fragments. Scarcely anything left of him but benevolent though feeble smile.

_Business Done._--Very little in Committee on Home-Rule Bill.

_Tuesday Night._--AMBROSE, Q.C., roused at last. House known him for eight years; only to-night learned that it has been cherishing upon its bosom a sleeping volcano. Following fortunes of Conservative leaders, AMBROSE has crossed and re-crossed floor, always taking up seat about centre of Bench immediately behind PRINCE ARTHUR; has occasionally risen thence and offered a few observations. Characteristic of him that he was born in a Cathedral town; is a Bencher of the Middle Temple.

Persuasion tips his tongue whene'er he'll talk, And he has Chambers near the King's Bench Walk.

These things we knew; but not till to-night came discovery how persuasive AMBROSE can be.

It was the Tenth Clause of the Home-Rule Bill that roused the (attorney's) devil in him. Fact that Clause II. was under discussion, and consequently out of order to debate Clause X., an incident of no consequence, except that it indirectly supplied incentive to his passionate eloquence, and led to disclosure of the true AMBROSE. When he approached Clause X., cries of "Order! Order!" interrupted. The Chairman recalled him to consideration of Clause II. He came back, said a few words on amendment, then was off again at Clause X., pursued by howls. Had got a start, and kept it through some moments of thunderous excitement. Waved his arms, thumped his papers; shouted at top of voice; House still howling; Chairman on feet ineffectually protesting. "Glad to see the SOLICITOR-GENTLEMAN in his place," he observed, in one of the temporary pauses, (RIGBY usually alluded to as the SOLICITOR-GENERAL, but AMBROSE, once started in new character, was lavish in originality.) "Need I go further?" he asked, a few moments later. House, with one accord, shouted "No!" "Now Sir," he added, waving his notes in face of Chairman, "I've done with the Tenth Clause." But he hadn't; its mastery over him was irresistible, even uncanny. "I should like to know what the SOLICITOR-GENERAL" (got it right this time) "if he were at liberty to speak" (this with a withering glance at Mr. G.), "would say about the Tenth Clause?"

A roar angrier than ever burst forth; shouts of "Name! Name!" persistently heard above uproar; Chairman on his feet, with hands outstretched; crisis evidently arrived; AMBROSE will be named to a dead certainty; suspended, and, perhaps, in addition to his bench at the Middle Temple, will have one provided for him in Clock Tower. Would like to have said few more words on Tenth Clause, but numbers against him overwhelming. So wildly waved his notes in sort of forlorn despairing farewell, and resumed his seat. Incident created profound sensation.

"It's all very well CHAMBERLAIN insisting on keeping this thing going," said PRINCE ARTHUR, anxiously; "but I have my responsibilities. If Debate at this comparatively early stage thus affects a man like AMBROSE, where shall we all be in another week?"

_Business done._--Still on Clause II.

_Wednesday._--Pretty to see GORST just now balancing MACARTNEY'S hat by brim on tip of his nose. Looks easy enough when done by an expert; those inclined to scoff at the accomplishment should try it themselves. Opportunity came suddenly, and unexpectedly. No ground for supposing GORST had been practising the trick in the Cloak-room before entering House. No collusion; all fair and above-board--or, rather, above nose. Came about as incident in Committee on Home-Rule Bill. JOKIM, taking part in game of Chairman-baiting, challenged MELLOR'S ruling on putting Motion to Report Progress. House being cleared for a Division, rules of debate require Member to address Chair seated, and wearing his hat. What would happen to British Constitution if, in such circumstances, Member rose and addressed SPEAKER or Chairman in ordinary fashion, Heaven only knows. No mere man bold enough to try it. Even Mr. G., who has Disestablished a Church, and now tampers with Unity of the Empire, shrinks before this temptation.

JOKIM, making his complaint, got along all right. Performed task in due form; MELLOR justified his action; GORST proposed to follow. Hadn't got his hat with him; but that of no consequence, since JOKIM was at hand. "Lend me one of your hats," he whispered hurriedly to his Right Hon. Friend.

"What do you mean?" said JOKIM. "I've only one."

"Oh!" said GORST, raising his eyebrows with polite incredulity. MACARTNEY, sitting behind, proffered his. GORST planted it on his head; found it three sizes too small; still, if he held on to it, he might manage. "Mr. MELLOR," he commenced, but got no further with projected speech. Attention of House drawn to him his dilemma discovered: shout of laughter burst forth as hat gradually tilted forward, and GORST, deftly catching it by brim on tip of his nose, balanced it for fifteen seconds by Westminster Clock. Chairman seized opportunity of abstracted attention to put question, and when GORST, recapturing MACARTNEY'S hat, had fixed it again on summit of his head, division was called; too late for him to speak.

_Business done._--Second Clause Home Rule Bill added.

_Friday._--Treasury Chest Bill on for Third Reading. Has since introduction wrought singular effect upon HANBURY. Nobody knows what Bill is about, least of all HANBURY; but he has opposed it at every stage. Yesterday divided Committee on First Clause; returns to attack to-day. "Better let us get away for our hardly-earned holiday," I said.

"That's very well for you, TOBY," said HANBURY, beating his chest in default of getting at the Treasury's; "but there's a dark mystery under this business which I mean to fathom. You remember the case of another chest and its weird associations?

'Fifteen men on a dead man's chest-- Ho! Ho! Ho! and a bottle of rum.'

HARCOURT may, or may not, have been one of the fifteen. I'm not quite clear on that point. Indeed I'm somewhat muddled in the main; but I suspect the SQUIRE is up to some deed of infamy, and I have done my best to plumb its slimy depths."

Bill passed nevertheless; other business wound up, and so off for holidays. _Business done._--House adjourned for Whitsun Recess.

* * * * *

THE REAL "REJECTED ADDRESSES."--Those that cannot be deciphered at the General Post Office.

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