Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL 104.

March 18, 1893.

* * * * *

MIXED NOTIONS.

No. VII.--PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE.

(_Scene and Persons as usual._)

_Inquirer_ (_to First Well-Informed Man_). I say, have you ever been in the House of Commons?

_First W. I. M._ (_shortly_). No, you know I haven't.

_Inquirer._ Oh, I don't mean as a Member. Of course I know you wouldn't stand the rot of all these Constituents, or whatever they call themselves. But have you ever been there as a visitor while a debate's going on?

_First W. I. M._ Yes, once--some years ago. But why do you ask?

_Inquirer_ (_producing an order of admission_). Well, you see, I got old JENKINS to give me a ticket for to-night, and I'm hanged if I know how I'm to get there, or when I'm to go, or anything about it. I thought you might be able to tell me how it's done.

_First W. I. M._ Let's have a look at your ticket.

[_Both the_ Well-Informed Men _inspect it with an air of critical sagacity._

_First W. I. M._ (_after a prolonged pause_). I don't see where your difficulty is. You just present this! at the door.

_Inquirer._ Ah, I daresay!--but what door? That's what I want to know. The place looks as if it had about fifty thousand doors, you know. And then I believe, if you make any mistakes, they march you off, in two-twos, as a dynamiter, or a Socialist, or an agitator, or something. You know old BONKER. Well, he went there once with a black bag, in which he'd got some sandwiches and cake, and, just because he wouldn't open it, they made no end of a row, and shoved him in the Clock-tower, or something, until he apologised. I don't want any of those games, you know.

_Average Man._ Don't take a black bag then. They won't want to search your pockets.

_Inquirer_ (_relieved_). Won't they? That's one comfort, at any rate. Do you think I ought to go in at the big entrance?

_First W. I. M._ Of course you ought. The others are only for Members.

_Inquirer._ Ah! And I suppose I ought to get there pretty early now that they've changed their hours. (_With determination._) I'll go about half-past eleven.

[_A pause. They read papers._

_Inquirer_ (_suddenly, with intense alarm_). Oh, I say, look here, you chaps. Here's old GLADSTONE gone and suspended the Twelve o'Clock Rule. What does that mean?

_Second W. I. M._ It means that they start everything at twelve o'clock in the day.

_First W. I. M._ No, it doesn't. It means that they don't start anything till twelve o'clock at night.

_Second W. I. M._ (_pityingly_). My dear fellow, where have you been all these years? They _always_ go home on the stroke of midnight now.

_First W. I. M._ That's just where you're wrong. Midnight to two in the morning is just jolly well their best time now.

_Second W. I. M._ I'll bet you half a thick 'un you're wrong!

_First W. I. M._ And I'll bet you half a thick 'un I'm right!

[_The argument continues for some minutes in this strain._

_Inquirer._ I wonder if they'll have any obstruction. I should like to see some of that. I believe it's no end amusing.

_Second W. I. M._ Oh, you may trust this Opposition for that. Their only notion for employing time is to obstruct everything and everybody.

_First W. I. M._ (_with a deadly calmness_). Ah! you call it obstruction, of course, because you want to rush your iniquitous Bills through the House. But you don't think we're going to stand that, do you?--because we're not, and the Country's with us. Just look at Grimsby.

_Second W. I. M._ All right! Suppose you look at Cirencester.

_First W. I. M._ What do you say to Stockport then?

_Second W. I. M._ And what do _you_ say to Walsham and Hexall, and all the rest of them? (_At the suggestion of the_ Average Man, _they abandon this fiery debate. A pause._)

_Inquirer._ Who's Speaker now?

_First W. I. M._ Sir ROBERT PEEL.

_Inquirer._ Will he be there to-night?

_First W. I. M._ Of course he will. He's got to be there.

_Inquirer._ But then what does the Chairman of Committee do?

_First W. I. M._ Oh, ah,--um, let me see; the Chairman of Committee does----(_Brightly._) He's only appointed, you know, when they want a Committee about something.

_Second W. I. M._ I fancy he has to read the Bills.

_First W. I. M._ (_gathering assurance as he proceeds_). Not when they're read a first time. Somebody else does that--I forget what they call him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to the House of Lords.

_Inquirer._ So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. But I'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all--just chucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading.

_First W. I. M._ (_condescendingly_). That's how they used to do it about ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after they got BRADLAUGH into the House.

_Inquirer._ Why was that?

_First W. I. M._ Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, after that, they altered everything.

_Inquirer_ (_with admiration_). By Jove, what a chap you are for recollecting things!

[_Terminus._

* * * * *

QUEER QUERIES.

A NEW POLL-TAX.--Would somebody inform me of the easiest way of getting into Parliament? I see that Members are soon going to be paid, and that would be very useful to me, as my present yearly expenses are £1,500, and my income barely £150. Had I better try as a "Labour Candidate"? I feel that I may claim the title, on account of the labour--twelve hours at least _per diem_--which I have to expend on getting out of the way of my creditors. I presume that, before long, there will be Parliaments all over the place, for England, Wales, and Scotland, as well as for Ireland, and I want to get into _all_! At least, I want to get into all where the excellent system of payment of Members is adopted, with salaries "On the higher scale," as they say in the Courts. It is curious that, when I explain to my creditors this most promising source of prospective income, they don't seem to see it! But creditors always were a purblind race.--WOULD-BE LEGISLATOR.

* * * * *

THE "WITLER" AND THE "WASSER-MAIDEN."

_A Ballad of Bungdom._ (_After Hans Breitmann's Ballad of the Mermaid._)

Der noble Witler[A] BUNGO Von Schvillenschviggenop, Rode out mit shpeer und helmet, Und he coom to de panks of de Schlopp,

[A] Licensed Victualler.

Und oop dere rose a Meer-maid Vot hadn't got nodings on. Und she say, "Oh, Witler BUNGO, Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"

Und he says, "I rides mine high-horse, Mit helmet und mit shpeer, Till I gooms unto mine Gasthaus,[B] Vhere I sells goot wine und peer."

[B] Tavern, or Wine Shop.

Und den outspoke de Maiden Vot hadn't got nodings on: "I ton't dink mooch of beoplesh Dat cares for demselfs alone.

You'd petter coom down to de Wasser,-- 'Tis de pest trink ash you'll see,-- Und haf a wholesome tinner Mit Schlopp-Vash, along mit me."

"Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin! Und dere healthy efery one." So sang dis Wasser-Maiden, Vot hadn't got nodings on.

"Your shtrong tipplesh cost mooch money, Dere ish death in de trinks you've sold; Und you helps yourself, by doonder, To de Vorkmansh hard-earned gold.

"Shoost look at doze sodden wretches, Vhite schlafes of de Witler Rings! From dere 'trunks' you vill your pockets, Und you rob dem like efery dings.

"Vot _dey_ vantsh mit your schnaps[C] und lager, Vitrioled gin and doctored wine? Smash your pottles, and preak your parrels, Und try dese Schlopps of mine!"

[C] Drams, drinks.

* * *

Vill _dat_ fetch him! He standsh as shpellbound! She vould pool his coat-tails down. She von't draw _him_ oonder der Wasser-- Dat Maiden mit nodings on!

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Thank you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD (says the Baron, bowing his very best to the talented authoress), for one of the cheeriest, freshest, and sweetest--if I may be allowed to use the epithet--of one-volume'd stories I've read for many a day. The three daughters are delightful. I question whether you couldn't have done better with "two only, as are generally necessary;" but perhaps this is ungrateful on my part. Anyway, two out of the three lovers are scarcely worth mentioning, so I don't think I am far wrong, for the team was a bit unmanageable, well as you had them in hand. Excellent, too, is the sketch of _Dad_, though that of _Aunt Jane_ is a trifle too grotesque, and will, perforce, remind those of your readers, who are theatre-goers, of Mr. PENLEY in petticoats, now actually playing "_Charley's_" irresistibly comic _Aunt_ at the Globe Theatre. But it is all good, and not too good to be true. Likewise, my dear Madame, you have given us two life-like sketches, one of a car-driver with his vicious mare, and the other of _Molly's_ little dog. In conclusion, I congratulate you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD, as also the publisher, Mr. HEINEMANN, on having secured so good a specimen of the material for sale in this Hungerford market, says

THE BARON DE B.-W.

* * * * *

HOME, CHEAP HOME!

"Thine be a cot beside a hill," Hums Mrs. HAWEIS in our ear; "Such cots are in the market still, At only thirty pounds a year.

"Then, as for furnishing the fold, Another fifty pounds will do it; But mind you stick to what is old, Nor carry modern rubbish to it!

"Your chairs must all be Chippendale, Your tables of the native oak, Your sofas"--but of what avail! To further urge this little joke?

For in this cot the chairs may be Much chipped, but hardly Chippendale, Unless the lady will agree To costs "upon the _hire_ scale."

* * * * *

Said a prim Bachelor, in a nasty temper, after a struggle with an ultra-stiffened clean shirt, "I should like to indict my laundress at the Old Bailey, charge her with murdering my linen, and, as evidence, I'd produce the mangled remains in Court."

* * * * *

MRS. R. has been studying architecture, She says that "all Schoolmasters' Houses ought to be built in the Early Perpendicular Tutor style."

* * * * *

* * * * *

LIQUID AIR.

A learned Professor, the other day, At the Royal Institution, Explained, in a quite scientific way, How, helped by a contribution From the Goldsmiths' Company, he'd prepare Some liquid oxygen--you're aware This is what plain English folks call "air" Unspoilt by smoky pollution.

No doubt he meant well, and the Goldsmiths too, In their noble work together; But was it the very best thing to do, In that showery, soaking weather; When drizzle, or downpour, of dogs and cats, From the "liquid air" made us all drowned rats, And ruined our clothes and our best top-hats, And spoilt boots of the stoutest leather?

Professors and Companies, if you would Invent some sort of appliance To dry "liquid air," on which we could Repose implicit reliance, Arranged to diminish this H_{2}O, Which, as every schoolboy ought to know, The Germans call _wasser_, the French call _eau_, We should bless your chemical science.

* * * * *

CON. FOR CAPITALISTS.

_Q._ Why is it clear the Sparrow is an advocate of Free Competition?

_A._ Because his everlasting cry is, "Cheep-Cheep!"

* * * * *

"THE GOTHENBURG SYSTEM."--Mrs. R. warmly espouses the cause of Temperance. She is very strong on what she has heard is called "The Gotobed System," in Sweden.

* * * * *

PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.

(_Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch._)

SECOND ACT.

DR. HERDAL'S _Drawing-room and Dispensary, as before. It is early in the day._ Dr. HERDAL _sits by the little table, taking his own temperature with a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the_ New Book-keeper; _he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seems slightly nervous._

_Dr. Herd._ Well, now you understand what is necessary. My late book-keeper, Miss BLAKDRAF, used to keep my accounts very cleverly--she charged every visit twice over.

_The New B._ I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I was once employed at a Bank.

_Dr. Herd._ I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying to push me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense?

_The New B._ (_modestly_). With an additional salary, I should be able to do that too.

_Dr. Herd._ Capital! You _shall_ dispense with an additional salary. Go into the Dispensary, and see what you can make of it. You may mistake a few drugs at first--but everything must have a beginning.

[_As the_ New B. _retires,_ Mrs. HERDAL _enters in a hat and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly._

_Mrs. Herd._ Miss WANGEL got up early, before breakfast, and went for a walk. She is so wonderfully vivacious!

_Dr. Herd._ So I should say. But tell me, ALINE, is she _really_ going to stay with us here? [_Nervously._

_Mrs. Herd._ (_looks at him_). So she tells me. And, as she has brought nothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I am going into the town to get her a few articles. We _must_ make her feel at home.

_Dr. Herd._ (_breaking out_). I _will_ make her not only _feel_, but _be_ at home, wherever that is, this very day! I will _not_ have a perambulating Allegory without a portmanteau here on an indefinite visit. I say, she shall go--do you hear, ALINE? Miss WANGEL will go!

[_Raps with his fist on table._

_Mrs. Herd._ (_quietly_). If you say so, HAUSTUS, no doubt she will _have_ to go. But you must tell her so yourself.

[_Puts the watering-pot on the console table, and goes out, as_ HILDA _enters, sparkling with pleasure._

_Hilda_ (_goes up straight to him_). Good morning, Dr. HERDAL. I have just seen a pig killed. It was _ripping_--I mean, gloriously thrilling! And your wife has taken a tremendous fancy to me. Fancy _that_!

_Dr. Herd._ (_gloomily_). It _is_ eccentric certainly. But my poor dear wife was always a little----

_Hilda_ (_nods her head slowly several times_). So _you_ have noticed that too? I have had a long talk with her. She can't get over your discharging Mr. KALOMEL--he is the only man who ever _really_ understood her.

_Dr. Herd._ If I could only pay her off a little bit of the huge, immeasurable debt I owe her--but I can't!

_Hilda_ (_looks hard at him_). Can't _I_ help you? I helped RAGNAR BROVIK. Didn't you know I stayed with him and poor little KAIA--after that accident to my Master Builder? I did. I made RAGNAR build me the loveliest castle in the air--lovelier, even, than poor Mr. SOLNESS'S would have been--and we stood together on the very top. The steps were rather too much for KAIA. Besides, there was no room for her on top. And he put towering spires on all his semi-detached villas. Only, somehow, they didn't let. Then the castle in the air tumbled down, and RAGNAR went into liquidation, and I continued my walking-tour.

_Dr. Herd._ (_interested against his will_). And where did you go after _that_, may I ask, Miss WANGEL?

_Hilda._ Oh, ever so far North. There I met Mr. and Mrs. TESMAN--the second Mrs. TESMAN--she who was Mrs. ELVSTED, with the irritating hair, you know. They were on their honeymoon, and had just decided that it was impossible to reconstruct poor Mr. LÖVBORG'S great book out of Mrs. ELVSTED'S rough notes. But I insisted on GEORGE'S attempting the impossible--with Me. And what _do_ you think Mrs. TESMAN wears in her hair _now_?

_Dr. Herd._ Why, really I could not say. Vine-leaves, perhaps.

_Hilda._ Wrong--_straws!_ Poor TESMAN _didn't_ fancy that--so he shot himself, _un_-beautifully, through his ticket-pocket. And I went on and took Rosmersholm for the Summer. There had been misfortune in the house, so it was to let. Dear good old Rector KROLL acted as my reference; his wife and children had no sympathy with his views, so I used to see him every day. And I persuaded him, too, to attempt the impossible--he had never ridden anything but a rocking-horse in his life, but I made him promise to mount the White Horse of the Rosmersholms. He didn't get over _that_. They found his body, a fortnight afterwards, in the mill-dam. Thrilling!

_Dr. Herd._ (_shakes his finger at her_). What a girl you are, Miss WANGEL! But you mustn't play these games _here_, you know.

_Hilda_ (_laughs to herself_). Of course not. But I suppose I _am_ a strange sort of bird.

_Dr. Herd._ You are like a strong tonic. When I look at you I seem to be regarding an effervescing saline draught. Still, I really must decline to take you.

_Hilda_ (_a little sulky_). That is not how you spoke ten years ago, up at the mountain station, when you were such a flirt!

_Dr. Herd._ _Was_ I a flirt? Deuce take me if I remember. But I am not like that _now_.

_Hilda._ Then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me at the _table d'hôte_, and made pills and swallowed them, and were so splendid and buoyant and free that all the old women who knitted left next day?

_Dr. Herd._ What a memory you have for trifles, Miss WANGEL, it's quite wonderful!

_Hilda._ Trifles! There was no trifling on _your_ part. When you promised to come back in ten years, like a troll, and fetch me!

_Dr. Herd._ Did I say all that? It _must_ have been _after table d'hôte_!

_Hilda._ It was. I was a mere chit then--only twenty-three; but I remember. And now _I_ have come for _you_.

_Dr. Herd._ Dear, dear! But there is nothing of the troll about me now I have married Mrs. SOLNESS.

_Hilda_ (_looking sharply at him_). Yes, I remember you were always dropping in to tea in those days.

_Dr. Herd._ (_seems hurt_). Every visit was duly put down in the ledger and charged for--as poor little SENNA will tell you.

_Hilda._ Little SENNA? Oh, Dr. HERDAL, I believe there is a bit of the troll left in you still!

_Dr. Herd._ (_laughs a little_). No, no; my conscience is perfectly robust--always was.

_Hilda._ Are you quite _quite_ sure that, when you went indoors with dear Mrs. SOLNESS that afternoon, and left me alone with my Master Builder, you did not foresee--perhaps wish--intend, even a little, that----H'm?

_Dr. Herd._ That you would talk the poor man into clambering up that tower? You want to drag _Me_ into that business now!

_Hilda_ (_teasingly_). Yes, I certainly think that then you went on exactly like a troll.

_Dr. Herd._ (_with uncontrollable emotion_). HILDA, there is not a corner of me safe from you! Yes, I see now that _must_ have been the way of it. Then I _was_ a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible the price I have had to pay for it? To have a wife who----. No, I shall never roll a pill again--never, never!

_Hilda_ (_lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half asleep_). No more pills? Poor Doctor HERDAL!

_Dr. Herd._ (_bitterly_). No--nothing but cosy commonplace grey powders for a whole troop of children.

_Hilda_ (_lively again_). Not _grey_ powders! (_Quite seriously._) I will tell you what you shall make next. Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that will give one a real grip on the world. Powders to make everyone free and buoyant, and ready to grasp at one's own happiness, to _dare_ what one _would_. I will have you make them. I will--I _will!_

_Dr. Herd._ H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand. And then the ingredients--?

_Hilda._ What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be sure! Why, they will be _poisons_, of course!

_Dr. Herd._ Poisons? Why in the world should they be _that_?

_Hilda_ (_without answering him_). All the thrillingest, deadliest poisons--it is only such things that are wholesome, nowadays.

_Dr. Herd._ (_as if caught by her enthusiasm_). And I could colour them, too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh, HILDA, how I have needed you all these years! For, you see, with _her_ it was impossible to discuss such things. [_Embraces her._

_Mrs. Herd._ (_enters noiselessly through hall-door_). I suppose, HAUSTUS, you are persuading Miss WANGEL to start by the afternoon steamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet of hair-pins. The larger parcels are coming on presently.

_Dr. Herd._ (_uneasily_). H'm! HILDA--Miss WANGEL I _should_ say--is kindly going to stay on a little longer, to assist me in some scientific experiments. You wouldn't understand them if I told you.

_Mrs. Herd._ Shouldn't I, HAUSTUS? I daresay not.

[_The_ New Book-keeper _looks through the glass-door of Dispensary._

_Hilda_ (_starts violently and points--then in a whisper_). Who is _that_?

_Dr. Herd._ Only the New Book-keeper and Assistant--a very intelligent person.

_Hilda_ (_looks straight in front of her with a far-away expression, and whispers to herself_). I thought at first it was.... But no--_that_ would be _too_ frightfully thrilling!

_Dr. Herd._ (_to himself_). I'm turning into a regular old troll now--but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly Norwegian. We are _made_ like that.... Rainbow powders--_real_ rainbow powders! With HILDA.... Oh, to have the joy of life once more!

[_Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls._

* * * * *

PROFESSOR WHITEWASH'S GUIDE TO HISTORY.

_Question._ Who was WILLIAM the Conqueror? _Answer._ The Managing Director of an Exploration Company composed of the most respectable shareholders.

_Q._ WILLIAM RUFUS, HENRY THE FIRST and RICHARD THE FIRST?

_A._ RUFUS, a worthy son of a worthy father; HENRY, a scholar, who strongly objected to over-cramming; and RICHARD, a mild-mannered man, who modestly shrank from canonisation.

_Q._ And what do you know about King JOHN?

_A._ That he gave to a grateful country the Magna Charta.

_Q._ And all the intermediate monarchs' being equally good, what have you to say about King HENRY THE EIGHTH?

_A._ He was a model monarch, and worthy to be the father of MARY and ELIZABETH.

_Q._ How about the Royal ladies you have last mentioned?

_A._ The first had as large a mind as the other a heart.

_Q._ What do you think of the STUART Family?

_A._ It was famed for its fidelity, trustfulness, and gratitude.

_Q._ Were WILLIAM and MARY, and ANNE, pleasant Monarchs?

_A._ Most pleasant. As witty as they were beautiful.

_Q._ And how about the GEORGES?

_A._ All that could be desired--and more. Indeed, all our monarchs have been of the most exemplary character, against whom the most scandal-loving would utter no word of complaint.

* * * * *

THE ENGLISH-FRENCH EMBASSADORE AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.