Chapter 3

Everyone knows Mr. AUSTIN DOBSON'S dainty verse. In _Eighteenth Century Vignettes_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) everyone has an opportunity, which he will do well to seize, to enjoy his equally charming prose. Mr. DOBSON is one of those enviable men who have time to read. He spends an appreciable portion of his days and nights not only with ADDISON, but with STEELE, PRIOR, JOHNSON, GOLDSMITH, and others, whom a generation that read newspapers and subscribe to MUDIE'S, know only by name. Mr. DOBSON is so omnivorous, that he has read right through JONAS HANWAY'S _Journal of Eight Days' Journey from Portsmouth to Kingston-upon-Thames_, the book which drew from JOHNSON the genial remark that HANWAY "had acquired some reputation by travelling abroad, but lost it all by travelling at home." A man that would read that, would read anything. Mr. DOBSON, happily, survived it, living to write a paper in which, within the limit of a few pages, we become thoroughly acquainted with JONAS, his travels in Persia, his discreet flirtations, his umbrella (the first under which man ever walked in the streets of London), his suit of rich dark brown, lined with ermine, his _chapeau bras_ with gold button, his gold-hilted sword, and his three pairs of stockings. JONAS always thought there was safety in numbers, whether odd or even. When he travelled, his "Partie" consisted of Mrs. D. and Mrs. O. When he dedicated a book (which Mr. DOBSON found, more than a hundred years later, in a second-hand book-shop in Holborn), he inscribed it to the "Twin Sisters, Miss ELIZABETH & Miss CAROLINE GRIGG." When he took his walks abroad, he wore three pairs of stockings. JONAS HANWAY, under Mr. DOBSON'S care, is unexpectedly delightful. With the same magic touch he brings upon the stage STEELE, FIELDING, GOLDSMITH, GRAY, HOGARTH'S SIGISMUNDA, and Dr. JOHNSON, who lives for us again in his garret in Gough Square. These _Vignettes_ should be framed in the private room of every man and woman who loves books.

(_Signed_), "_Non obstat_," BARON DE B.-W.

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Discovered in Drury Lane

_Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council._

I 'old it true wote'er befall; I feel it when things go most cross; Better to do a fi'penny doss, Than never do a doss at all!

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"WAITE FOR THE END."--On Friday last, at another Unemployed Meeting, a certain person, whose name is never mentioned in ears polite, "found mischief still," as wrote the immortal Dr. WATTS, "for idle hands to do," and set one WAITE, whether a light or heavy weight is not stated, and one SULLIVAN, by the ears. It was a hand-to-hand fight, and WAITE was subsequently captured and brought before the Magistrate. _Mem._ for WAITE, in the words of a recently popular song, "_Never hit a Man of the name of Sullivan._"

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FALLEN FORTUNES.--Quoth _The Observer_ of a certain celebrity, "The family to which he belongs can trace an uninterrupted descent for a period of six centuries." What an awful "come-down"! _Quelle dégringolade!_

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BETWEEN TWO GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.--"What do you think of CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN'S choice of an assistant private secretary? Odd? eh?" "Not odd! _Strange._"

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PROVERB FOR MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT WHO WISH TO SECURE SEATS.--"Two Hats are better than one."

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THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE.

CONCERNING CASH.

_Question._ What is cash?

_Answer._ Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.

_Q._ Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?

_A._ Yes, by those who do not possess it.

_Q._ Is it possible to live without cash?

_A._ Certainly--upon credit.

_Q._ Can you tell me what is credit?

_A._ Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to part with some of it to those who have it not.

_Q._ Can you give me an instance of credit?

_A._ Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case of credit.

_Q._ Would it be right to describe such a transaction "as much to his credit"?

_A._ It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit;" although the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as absolutely accurate.

_Q._ What is bimetallism?

_A._ Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.

_Q._ Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?

_A._ My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining silver, if you cannot get gold.

_Q._ What is the best way of securing gold?

_A._ The safest way is to borrow it.

_Q._ Can money be obtained in any other way?

_A._ In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.

_Q._ What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles, but with smaller risk?

_A._ By promoting Companies and other expedients known to the members of the Stock Exchange.

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QUEER QUERIES.

FOREIGN CLERKS.--I should be grateful for any information as to where I could acquire a knowledge of French, German, Italian, Spanish, Arabic, and Russian, without leaving the neighbourhood of Camberwell New Road, and at a merely nominal cost. I find that, unless I know those languages, I have no chance of competing with German Clerks; whereas, if I did know them, I should be nearly sure of obtaining a berth in a London Firm at not less than fifteen shillings a week, rising, by half centuries, to fifteen and sixpence, and even to sixteen shillings. Also, what is the least amount of porridge (without milk or sugar), haricot beans, or lentil soup, that will preserve a person from starvation, if he takes nothing else, and works fourteen hours a day? I intend imitating my Teutonic rivals in frugality, as well as in languages; any dietetic hints (especially from Scotchmen), would therefore be welcomed by NO POLYGLOT.

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A DELICATE REQUEST.--On Wednesday--that day in every week which is kept as a whole holiday in honour of _Mr. Punch_--the 8th Feb., there is to be "a meeting of Old Paulines" at Anderton's Hotel, when "_the attendance of all Old Paulines is requested_." Ahem! The aged representatives of the heroine of the _Lady of Lyons_ will not be attracted by the wording of this rather un-paulite announcement. Why was not the invitation extended to the old _Claude Melnottes_ as well? There must be a lot of them about.

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception