Chapter 2

I was told as it was a lovely race, tho it seemed werry much as usual to me. One of the botes got a little in front of the other, and so got in fust, and that was all. But, sumhow, I don't quite think as that is all as so many thowsands goes out for. For instance, now, in the butiful ship as I was perfeshnally engaged in, we laid out a lovely lunshun with evry luckshury of the season, and all kinds of wine, at about 2 o'clock, and then, as we picked up our swell passengers at the warious peers, our Managing Gent says to them, says he, "If you please, Gents, lunch is laid out in the cabin, and will be continually laid out all day, so you can act accordin." And so they did! and that cabin was jest about comfertably occepied all day long, except for about ten minutes jest as the Botes was a cummin by. Ah! that's my highdeal of spending an appy day, and a pitty it is as it ony comes wunce a year!

BROWN, who was along with me, tried werry Hard to gammon me to bleeve as none of the pullers in the fust boat got nothink for winning, and that none of the pullers in the larst boat paid nothink for loosing! But I wasn't quite such a born fool as to beleeve that rubbish. I had jest the same good larf as usual in seeing how hard the three big steam-boats, as started jest after the racing-boats, tried their werry hardest to catch 'em up, but coudn't do it till they was past the winning post! And the best of the fun was, as they painted two of 'em Oxford and Cambridge, to make all poor greenhorns beleeve as they was the reel racing-boats, and the other was a going fust jest to show 'em the way. Lor, how heasy it is to gammon sum poor fellers! Like all trew waiters, hating any think at all like waste, me and BROWN, and the other two of us, seed all our Company hoff, and then we quietly took our seats, and I bleeves as I can truly say, that, neether in the eatable line, or the drinkable line, was there any waste in that there bootiful Steamer that there appy day.

ROBERT.

* * * * *

FROM MR. J. L. T**LE.--It is not true that _Die Walküre_, about to be produced at the Grand Opera, in Paris, is either an adaptation, or a translation, of _Walker--London_. It's WAGNER, not WALKER.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A DELICATE QUESTION.

[In the pages of the _Author_ Mr. BESANT suggests, that "the Society of Authors should undertake the examination of journalists."]

O zealous Mr. BESANT, we have heard with consternation Of this, the latest project of your ever-busy band; Each journalist, apparently, must pass examination, Lest any deal with matters which he does not understand.

You're horrified to notice at performances dramatic A row of so-called critics, knowing nothing of the play; You mean to make essential an acquaintance with the Attic, In all allowed to comment on the drama of to-day.

With ample stock of history and other knowledge, clearly, The man who writes on politics must show himself supplied, The taste of all reviewers will be criticised severely, The Sporting Sage must qualify in papers on _Ruff's Guide_.

No doubt your plan is laudable, but then we find it printed That novelists to manage all the scheme will be allowed, And since they love reviewers not, it may, perhaps, be hinted, That every man alive of us is certain to be ploughed!

Moreover, on reflection, quite excusably one fancies That, if so great advantage in the system you discern, Its use should be extended to the weavers of romances, And you and other novelists should suffer in your turn!

And so, if we may venture on a practical suggestion, Assuming that your postulate's indubitably true, And all should be examined--there must yet remain the question, _Custodes quis custodiet?_--For who'll examine _you?_

* * * * *

WINES OR MINES?--Mrs. R. has on several occasions heard gentlemen talking of "passing the Rubicon," and she wants to know whether this is a Bill in Parliament about the Ruby Mines, or whether it is a modern expression for what was many years ago, as she was informed by her grandfather, a slang after-dinner phrase--"Pass the Ruby," _i.e._, the wine?

* * * * *

HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE RECESS.

_The Pr-m-r._ To rest and sample (under the personal supervision of Mrs. G.) Home Rule.

_The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry._ To forget the speeches he had prepared for Loyal Ulster.

_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt._ To practise Local Option in the New Forest.

_Lord R-s-b-ry._ To make up his mind about Uganda.

_Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll._ To follow where he once led.

_Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r._ To lead where he once followed.

_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._ To acquire a taste for "another place."

_Sir A-g-st-s Dr-l-n-s._ To grapple with the Opera difficulty.

_Mr. H-nry Irv-ng._ To run along with _Becket._

_Miss Ell-n T-rry._ To continue the same movement.

_Mr. J. L. T-le._ To prepare to take _Walker--London_ to "Castle, Windsor."

* * * * *

LEGAL QUERY ANSWERED SATISFACTORILY.--In an Article on the Lecture on Cross-examination by Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., a _D. T._ Leader reminded its readers of the scene in _The Village Lawyer_, where Defendant is instructed by his Counsel to answer every question by simply saying, in an imbecile manner, "Ba-a-a!" Subsequently, on aforesaid Counsel asking for his fee, his client replied, "Ba-a-a!" "What," asks the _D. T._, "would Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., do with such a witness in cross-examination?" Why, 'tis evident that such a case would not arise, as professional etiquette would prevent one Barrister from taking a fee from a brother Barrister, that is as long as the latter _stuck to the Ba-a-a!_

* * * * *

VERY APPROPRIATE.--At Drury Lane, on Easter Monday, will appear _The Bohemian Girl_, followed by the rivals in _Rustic Chivalry_. Very flattering to the dear old _Bohemian Girl_.

* * * * *

TREACHEROUS WEATHER.--Lord SALISBURY has had a bad cold. He has been recommended, however, not to put on, but to put off, his Ulster.

* * * * *

END OF THE COTTON STRIKE.--General rejoicings! All join in a reel!

* * * * *

ACTING MANAGER H-RC-RT. "WELL, SIR, I THINK WE MAY SAY THAT,--IN SPITE OF THE ORGANISED OPPOSITION IN THE HOUSE,--THE FIRST ACT HAS REALLY GONE VERY WELL!"

MR. G. (_Author and Manager_). "H'M!--BUT THE _RISKY SITUATION_ COMES IN THE NEXT ACT!"

* * * * *

TO MOLLY--AN APRIL FOOL.

_By a Bachelor-in-Love_ (_with Himself._)

You never, MOLLY, plucked the chances Last Leap Year brought of wedded rapture, (Since Flattery wins, where Beauty's glances Have failed to perpetrate a capture)?

You never wrote to crave my fortune That February! Bashful, may be, Or over-fearful to importune A _parti_ so renowned, you gaby!

Imprudent damsel, to let slip So much _insouciance_ and money! I bear no malice now, and dip This goosequill not in gall, but honey,

I supplicate thee to be mine, Bewitching Fair, thy lode-star mocking: To sweetest vengeance I incline. (Great Scott! the sacrifice is shocking!)

With you to share a gem unique, My best possession, foolish MOLLY, This is the penalty I seek, Dear fool of Spring, dear spring of Folly!

Yet, ere I give myself away, And abdicate on foolscap flimsy, Let me implore you, mark the day-- Time-honoured feast of prank and whimsy.

Of my pet self, I offer half-- To gain it myriads have endeavoured, So take it, _take my photograph Inclosed, and most adroitly severed_.

* * * * *

THE TELEPHONIC LOVE-SONG.

["Lovemaking by telephone has now become quite common."--_Daily Paper._]

Love, are you there? Most patiently I've waited To hear the answering tinkle on my bell; Have then the central offices belated Not switched me on as yet to thy hotel? Or is--oh, bitter thought!--a rival hated Addressing thee by telephone as well? Love, are you there? Distracted I repine; Oh, hear thy humble four-nought-seven-nine!

Never three-five-nine-six have I addressed, The number registered for Mrs. JONES, Nor for six-eight-two-one the button pressed To woo Miss BROWN in telephonic tones; So grant, I pray, my moderate request, Nor keep me waiting thus with aching bones, My anxious ear pressed to the tube with care, While vainly I re-echo, "Are you there?"

The suitor in the happier days of old, When he would woo his lady-love divine, Beneath her window his affection told In skilful verse and neatly-balanced line; And even if he sometimes caught a cold, His was a less prosaic way than mine; Then they'd embrace--no doubt it was not proper, But I can only kiss a plate of copper!

Oh come, my love, and speak to me again, Say that you live for my unworthy sake, And kindly make each syllable quite plain, To guard against all subsequent mistake; And soon may fortune re-unite us twain, Communication never more to break! Take up your tube in answer to my prayer; Once more I speak my greeting--_Are you there?_

* * * * *

GEE HO, GOSCHEN!

_Jokim_ (_singing his Agricultooral-looralist lay_).

"O Flaxen-headed Ploughman, A whistling o'er the lee, Oh, do not _you_ know _how_, man, I've ever lovèd thee!"

* * * * *

EASTER REGULATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS.

1. Volunteers shall be expected to be up by the dawn in the morning, be the weather rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will be marched for scores of miles all day long, and, on their arrival at their destination, shall consider themselves lucky if they find the most primitive accommodation.

2. Although they may be accompanied by their officers, the Volunteer rank and file will clearly understand that they are manoeuvring purely for the pleasure, if not improvement, of a few warriors connected with the Household troops.

3. They shall undertake the necessary duties at their own expense, and every detail supplied by the War Office shall form the matter of an angry altercation.

4. The convenience of Volunteers shall be ignored, so that the comforts of the Regular officers attached to the Citizen Force, may be secured at their expense.

5. Volunteer officers will be prepared to accept snubs and condescension with their customary humility, and will not presume to raise their voices in the presence of their superior (in quality if not in rank) commanders.

6. Volunteers of all ranks will work like niggers for nothing, save the barren honour of being told (subsequently in the public prints) that they have merely done their duty.

7. And, to conclude, Volunteers will be expected to say that they have thoroughly enjoyed their holiday, however difficult it may be to feel it.

* * * * *

AN ELIGIBLE _PARTI_.

I know a man who manhood's name profanes,-- Most Mayfair mothers own him rather wild; But, since he has more sovereigns than brains, Each tries to catch and tame him for her child.

He knows enough Arithmetic to keep A Betting-book, and lose his little bets, And though his sense of honour is not deep, He always pays his "honourable" debts.

Some scores of trowsers own him as their Lord, And endless ties and one unchanging sneer; He owes his tailor what would lodge and board And wash a brace of curates for a year.

His wit is not so pointed as his boots, Bright with the polish which his manners lack, Nor yet so chaste as those astounding suits Which deck his shrunken limbs and padded back.

His stays are always, _he_ is often, "tight," His collar, like his birth, is _sans reproche_; He seldom does a thing because it's right, But, on the other hand, is never _gauche_.

The Music Hall hath charms to soothe his breast, But tries in vain to tinge his pallid cheek; And yet the print he knows and loves the best, Is that which duly blushes once a week.

He never dances since the law shut up His native haunt, where he could really go it, And romp the _pas-de-quatre_, and shout and sup-- (Of course the Mayfair mothers did not know it).

He never dances--but he goes about, And you will always meet him "everywhere," And sometimes after supper he'll sit out A dance or two, provided she is fair.

Some day he'll stoop to raise her to his throne, Look tame and tired of wild oats--for a time; And, when They reap the whirlwind he has sown, We'll talk of his misfortune and her crime.

* * * * *

THOSE SILENT BOOTS.

_Burglar's Ballad._ AIR--"_Those Evening Bells._"

Those Silent Boots! Those Silent Boots! When out upon our gay galoots, 'Twill give us coves the bloomin' jumps, If we carn't 'ear the Copper's clumps!

'Ave Bobby's Bluchers passed away? That there will bust the Burglar's lay! Wot, _silent_ "Slops"--like evening swells? It's wus than them electric bells!

No, no! I 'opes, till _I_ am gone, The Bobby's Boots will still clump on. Their warnin' sound our bizness soots, But bust the thought o' _Silent_ Boots!

* * * * *

SOME EVILL-MINDED PERSONS.--At the Royal Academy of Music the competition for the Evill Prize took place last Friday, which, to unsuccessful competitors was a day of Evill omen. This is one of the rare instances where "Out of Evill cometh good."

* * * * *

"ART, HOW SHE IS LEARNED."

SCENE--_London. Time--any day of the Week between Show Sunday and Academy Sunday. Present--two_ Art Critics _à la Mode_.

_First A. C._ (_after a pause_). Yes, met a crowd of people last Sunday. Bad memory myself, but hanged if I can remember why I went out on Sunday.

_Second A. C._ (_after consideration_). And I too. I hate going out on a Sunday as a rule, but I went last week. However, might have been worse fun. Met PEACOCK girls. Rather good form.

_First A. C._ Yes, Jolly. Going to meet 'em next Sunday,--Mulberry Road.

_Second A. C._ (_lighting a cigarette_). I'm going to the Mulberry Road too.

_First A. C._ (_also lighting a cigarette_). But why?

_Second A. C._ (_after smoking for two minutes in silence_). Haven't the faintest idea! Stay! Ah! (_Producing tiny memorandum book._) Here it is, April 2nd--Mulberry Road--Academy Pictures.

_First A. C._ (_with returning intelligence_). Of course! Why, that's what we went about. To see the pictures!

_Second A. C._ (_with further intelligence_). Yes. Going next Sunday to Mulberry Road to see the pictures again. Rather fun, seeing pictures!

_First C._ (_after a long pause_). Yes, rather.

[_Scene closes in upon their commencing to discuss some other subject._

* * * * *

* * * * *

QUITE A CHIC CARGO!

A GROUP of "World's Women" belonging to all races, has set out from Southampton in the steamship _Paris_, _en route_ to the World's Fair. There are English damsels, Scotch lassies, Tyrolese, Hungarian, Parisian, Chinese, and Japanese ladies. Instead of being called "World's Women," they ought, of course, to go as "World's Fair-ies." "Arrangements have been made for bringing them back;" but suppose they prefer to stay? America is a free country; Chicago is one of the freest parts of it. So, after their relative powers of fascinating the American male have been tested, their power of becoming his relatives may have to be counted with. Let us hope they will be accommodated with separate buildings at the Exposition; or a "Lady's Battle" may ensue, under Queensberry Rules. European _versus_ Asiatic, or--say--Fräulein _versus_ Mademoiselle. This would be a great hit.

* * * * *

TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE.

The most cursory eye it must surely strike, That VOTE and VETO look much alike. Yet rival ranters are straining throat, To VOTE the VETO--_or_ VETO the VOTE! On a slight transposition thus hinges the quarrel 'Twixt the fierce fanatics of Pump and Barrel.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, March 20._--"That's the best speech HARCOURT has made this Session," said GEORGE CURZON, as we walked into Lobby to support Government against onslaught of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who disapproves its Uganda policy.

"Which speech?" I asked, eagerly, always anxious to learn. GEORGE CURZON just back from far East; has sat astride the Wall of China, and taken five-o'clock tea with the QUEEN OF COREA. ULYSSES, with his twenty-years' tramp, not in it with him. "Which speech?" I repeated. "The speech he didn't make just now in reply to CHAMBERLAIN," said CURZON, in that sententious tone, and with that grave manner he has learned among the Apaches of the Ural Mountains.

Wants thinking over, this; but is quite true. A great temptation for the SQUIRE; would have been irresistible at one time. JOSEPH had made a brilliant speech, scintillating with diamond dagger-points. Yielding to the habit of heredity, he had been more than usually disagreeable towards his Brethren. "The original JOSEPH," as the SQUIRE remarked, in a little aside, whilst the speech went on amid uproarious delight of the Gentlemen of England, "had one soft place in his resentful heart. But our JOE finds no BENJAMIN among us--unless, indeed, it be TREVELYAN, and, I believe, if, after filling up his sack, he had put in any extraneous substance, it would not have been a cup of silver."

Time was when the SQUIRE would have jumped at this opportunity. Benches crowded with jubilant gentlemen in dinner dress; excitement of cheers and counter-cheers filled House. Few things delight it more than encounter between these two brilliant swordsmen. Only half-past eleven; Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty of time for business by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody.

When SQUIRE rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists. Their turn now. JOE was "going to catch it." But SQUIRE knew better than that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But business first, pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, SQUIRE said they had listened to a very good speech, and now he hoped the Vote would be agreed to; at which point he meekly sat down. Shock so sudden and unexpected that no one but NOLAN moved, and he, finding himself on his legs, had no words ready. Whilst he was gasping in search of them, Closure moved; Chairman, who is getting well into the saddle, put question with lightning-like rapidity; before Committee quite knew where it was, it was dividing on the Uganda Vote.

_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates concluded; Report of Supply agreed to; way cleared for Appropriation Bill.

_Tuesday Night._--HENRY FOWLER explained Parish Council Bill in speech of equal force and lucidity. "Hands all round," as TENNYSON said, in applause of speech and approval of Bill. JESSE COLLINGS rather hinted that anything good in measure was conveyed from RITCHIE'S Bill, and everyone knows that RITCHIE was mere lay-figure behind which JESSE controlled policy of Local Government Board under last Administration. Even this criticism meant as compliment. No harsher note disturbed chorus of approval.

JOKIM, in effusion of moment, led into making interesting confession. As he says, only he put it stronger, general impression is that he is not particularly attached to Agricultural Labourer. BOBBY SPENCER, when he made his historic declaration--"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer"--understood to have JOKIM in his mind; endeavouring to ingratiate himself with the statesman who, at the time, was CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER. JOKIM, certainly, through long and honourable career, never lost opportunity of hustling HODGE. Deductions drawn from this attitude entirely erroneous. Only been dissembling his love. Made clean breast of it to-day. Clasping his hands with genuine emotion, tear plainly tickling through his voice, he exclaimed, "It has been the dream of my life to educate the Agricultural Labourer in Parish affairs!"

"Well, I must say, I never would have thought it," said GRANDOLPH, regarding with new interest his Right Hon. friend.

_Business done._--Parish Councils Bill brought in.

_Thursday._--Pretty to watch Mr. G. in conversation with Prince ARTHUR on question of Vote of Censure. When CAMERON, "doing a bit of bounce," as BRODRICK said, asked PREMIER whether, supposing Opposition resolved to move Vote of Censure, a day wouldn't be found for them, Ministerialists cheered and Opposition responded. House never more like public school than when a fight is being got up. Now spirit rose to bubbling point; cheering and counter-cheering incessant. Only Mr. G. sat silent, apparently so deeply interested in Orders that he had not noticed what was forward. But he saw it all, saw a foot or two further into futurity than the jubilant throng behind him. CAMERON had unwittingly dealt trump card to Opposition avowedly bent on obstructing Home-Rule Bill. Had a pretty good go to-day. Two hours for Questions; two hours more to be used up on Motion for Adjournment. That would serve to throw Registration Bill over sitting and spoil Mr. G.'s little programme. But this suggestion of Vote of Censure coming from other side, worth at least couple of days. Mr. G. saw it all, and once glanced quickly across table in search of sign that anyone on Front Bench opposite had made the discovery. Thought he saw a gleam of intelligence in GRANDOLPH'S eye. Hoped things might blow over; but there was inconvenient questioner behind, with Scotch persistency waiting answer. Ministerialists cheering like mad; Opposition truculently responding; all waiting for him. Must do or say something. Wouldn't commit himself by saying anything. Half rose from seat and bowed assent.

By this time Prince ARTHUR began to see light. Some smart fencing followed; Prince ARTHUR pressed home Vote of Censure question; Mr. G., whilst carefully avoiding any movement that might seem like retreat, evaded the point. Later, when GRANDOLPH remarked that PRIME MINISTER had challenged them to move Vote of Censure, Mr. G. angrily retorted, "I did nothing of the sort." Too late now; Right Hon. Gentlemen on Front Opposition Bench having put their heads together, determined to ride in at gate CAMERON obligingly opened. Drew up Motion of Vote of Censure, and Mr. G. must needs, out of his diminishing hoard of days, find one for debating it; Opposition mean to make it two, or even three.

"I wish," said Mr. G., in those chest-notes that indicate profounder indignation, "my people would leave me to manage the business of House."

_Business done._--Four hours wasted. Vote of Censure invited.

_Friday Midnight._--Wonder to find SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE still at post of duty. Business rather heavy work; think it would be well that so precious a life should be cared for. Say this to him.