SCENE IX.--CHARLES COLLIMORE'S _Sitting-room at Keppel Street,

Bloomsbury_. TIME--_Saturday afternoon_.

_Mrs. Cagney_ (_the landlady, showing_ Mr. TOOVEY _in_). Oh, I thought Mr. COLLIMORE had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every minute. Will you take a seat?

_Mr. Toovey_ (_sitting down_). Thank you, I'm in no hurry--no hurry at all. (_To himself._) CORNELIA wished me to put a few questions quietly to the landlady. I suppose I'd better do it while----(_Aloud._) Hem, I hope, Ma'am, that you find Mr. COLLIMORE a--an unexceptionable lodger--in all respects?

_Mrs. Cagn._ (_crossing her hands stiffly in front of her_). Mr. COLLIMORE conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady, which is all _my_ requirements.

_Mr. Toov._ Quite so--very satisfactory, I'm sure, but--does he keep fairly regular hours? Or is he at all inclined to be--er--fast?

_Mrs. Cagn._ (_on her guard_). I can't answer for the time his watch keeps, myself. I dessay it goes as reg'lar as what most do.

_Mr. Toov._ No, no; I was referring to his habits. I mean--does he usually spend his evenings quietly at home?

_Mrs. Cagn._ You'll excuse _me_, but if you're arsking me all these questions out of mere himpertinent curiosity----

_Mr. Toov._ I--I trust I have a higher motive, Ma'am. In fact, I may as well tell you I am Mr. COLLIMORE'S uncle.

_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). The old fox! So he's trying to ferret out something against him, is he? Well, he _won't_--that's all. (_Aloud._) If you _are_ his huncle, Sir, all I can say is, you've got a nephew to be proud on. I wouldn't wish to let my first floor to a steadier or a more industrious young gentleman; comes in punctual to a tick every night of his life and 'as his dinner, and sets studyin' his book till 'alf-past ten, which is his bed-time. I don't know what more you want.

_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). This is really very satisfactory--if I could only believe it. (_Aloud._) But do I understand you to say that that is his invariable practice? Occasionally, I suppose, he goes out to a place of amusement--such as a music-hall, now?

_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). Well, he may; and why not? He don't get into no mischief, though light-'earted. _I_ ain't going to give him a bad name. (_Aloud._) Lor, Sir, don't you go and put such ideas into his 'ed. Bless your 'art alive, if he knows there _are_ such places, it's as much as he does know!

_Mr. Toov._ (_testily_). Now, now, my good woman, I'm afraid you're trying to deceive me. I happen to know more about my nephew's tastes and pursuits than you imagine.

_Mrs. Cagn._ (_roused_). Then, if you know so much, whatever do you come 'ere and ask _me_ for? It's my belief you ain't up to no good, for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin' your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a poll-pryin', sneakin' Russian spy!

_Charles_ (_entering behind her_). Hallo, Mrs. CAGNEY, what's all this--who's a Russian spy, eh? (_Recognising_ MR. TOOVEY.) What--Uncle! you don't mean to say it's _you_?

[Mr. TOOVEY _stands stricken with confusion_.

_Mrs. Cagn._ I may have spoke too free, Mr. COLLIMORE, Sir, but when a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put under'and questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen pass their hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not--why, I put it to you----

_Charles._ All right, Mrs. CAGNEY, put it to me some other time; you didn't understand my uncle, that's all--you needn't stay. Oh, by the way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell CAGNEY to leave the chain, as I may be late. (_After_ Mrs. C. _has retired_.) Well, Uncle, I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved.

_Mr. Toov._ (_sheepishly_). I assure you, my boy, that I--I was not inquiring for my own satisfaction. Your Aunt is naturally anxious to know how you---- But your landlady gave you an excellent character.

_Charles._ She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to _you_, Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you might have come to me for any information you require. _I_ don't mind telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've been to a music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough last Sunday!

_Mr. Toov._ I--I think she wanted to know whether you went frequently, CHARLES, or only that once.

_Charles._ Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, I'll tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young man like your friend CURPHEW. I don't spend all my evenings in this cheerful and luxurious apartment. Now and then I find the splendour of the surroundings rather too much for me, and I'm ready to go anywhere, even to a music-hall, for a change. There, I blush to say, I spend an hour or two, smoking cigars, and even drinking a whisky and soda, or a lemon squash, listening to middle-aged ladies in sun-bonnets and accordion skirts singing out of tune. I don't know that they amuse me much, but, at all events, they're livelier than Mrs. CAGNEY. I'm dining out to-night, at the Criterion, with a man at the office, and it's as likely as not we shall go in to the Valhalla or the Eldorado afterwards. There, you can't say I'm concealing anything from you. And I don't see why you should groan like that, Uncle.

_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). I--I'd rather you didn't go to the--the Eldorado, CHARLES.

_Charles._ There's ingratitude! I thought you'd be touched by my devotion.

_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I _can't_ tell him I was thinking of going there myself! (_Aloud._) You will show your devotion best by keeping away. The less young men go to such places, my boy, the better!

_Charles._ Not for _you_, Uncle. You forget that it's the humble five bob of fellows like me that help to provide your next dividend.

_Mr. Toov._ (_wincing_). Don't, CHARLES, it--it's ungenerous and undutiful to reproach me with being a shareholder when you know how innocently I became one!

_Charles._ But I _wasn't_ reproaching you, Uncle, it was rather the other way round, wasn't it? And really, considering you _are_ a shareholder in the Eldorado, it's a little too strong to condemn me for merely going there.

_Mr. Toov._ I--I may not be a shareholder long, CHARLES. Unless I can conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take the first opportunity of selling them.

_Charles._ But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have got them!

_Mr. Toov._ What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by practices I disapproved of? Never, CHARLES!

_Charles._ But you can't _sell_ without making a profit, you know; they've gone up tremendously.

_Mr. Toov._ Oh, dear me! Then, do you mean that I shouldn't even be morally justified in selling them? Oh, you don't think _that_, CHARLES?

_Charles._ That's a point you must settle for yourself, Uncle, it's beyond me. But, as a dutiful nephew, don't you see, I'm bound to do all I can in the meantime to keep up the receipts for you, if I have to go to the Eldorado every evening and get all the fellows I know to go too. Mustn't let those shares go down, whether you hold on or sell, eh?

_Mr. Toov._ (_horrified_). Don't make me an excuse for encouraging young men to waste precious time in idleness and folly. I won't allow it--it's abominable, Sir! You've put me in such a state of perplexity by all this, CHARLES, I--I hardly know where I am! Tell me, are you really going to the Eldorado this evening?

_Charles._ I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will if I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go and change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable as you can. Here's to-day's _Pink 'Un_, if you haven't seen it.

_Mr. Toov._ I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you to come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. THEA will be back, and I believe Mr. CURPHEW has got a free evening for once. Shall I tell her you will come, CHARLES?

_Charles._ Thanks; I'll come with pleasure. But, I say, Aunt doesn't want to give me another lecture, I hope? After all, she can't say much if you've told her about those shares, as I suppose you have.

_Mr. Toov._ N--not yet, CHARLES. I have not found a convenient opportunity. There, I can't stay--good-bye, my boy.

[_He takes his leave._

END OF SCENE IX.