Chapter 2

Messrs. Selfridge and Co. were last week defrauded by a well-dressed man, who obtained two dressing-bags with silver fittings by means of a trick without paying for them. This is really abominable. It is bad enough when merely commercial firms are victimised: to best a philanthropic institution in this way is peculiarly base.

***

"Mexican Rebel Split."

_Morning Post._

Now perhaps the other civilised Powers will intervene. We have heard of many inhumanities marking the war in Mexico, but this treatment of a rebel is surely the limit.

***

It is not often, we imagine, that the British Navy is used to enforce a change of diet. H.M.S. _Torch_ has just been ordered on a punitive expedition to Malekula Island, where certain of the natives have been eating some of their compatriots.

***

An American woman, according to _The Express_, has a serious complaint about the London policeman. She declares that she walked all the way from Queen's Hall to Piccadilly Circus with three buttons of her blouse undone at the back, and "not a single policeman" offered to do it up for her. No doubt the Force was reluctant to interfere with what might turn out to be the latest fashion. A Boy Scout who offered, the other day, to sew up a split skirt got his ears soundly boxed.

***

Meanwhile the glad tidings reach us that women's skirts and bodices are to fasten in front instead of at the back. Husbands all over the world who have on occasions been pressed into their wives' service as maids, only to learn that they were clumsy boobies, would like to have the name of the arbiter of fashion who is responsible for this innovation, as there is some thought of erecting a statue to him.

***

Some distinguished German professors have been discussing the question of the best place in which to keep a baby in summer. It is characteristic, however, of these unpractical persons that not one of them suggests the obvious ice-safe.

***

"One of the first things the rich should learn," says Dean Inge, "is that money is not put to the best use when it is merely spent on enjoyment." It is hoped that this pronouncement may lead wealthy people to patronise our concert-halls more than they do.

***

"£1,600," a newspaper tells us, "were found hidden in the cork leg of Harry C. Wise while he was undergoing treatment in a hospital at Denver." And now, we suspect, Harry's friends will always be pulling his leg.

***

"Have you seen _Pelleas and Mélisande_?"

"No. Is it as funny as _Potash and Perlmutter_?"

* * * * *

THE COLLECTORS.

My dinner partner was a self-made man and not ashamed of it.

"Do you take an interest in china, ma'am?" he asked me.

I felt that if I said "Yes" I should have to buy some. So I said "No," but he didn't wait to hear what I said.

"I think I may say," he continued, "that I have the finest collection of old Dresden china in London."

He went into the figures, explaining the cost price and the difficulty of storage.

"Oh," said I, "if you find it a nuisance, I've a parlour-maid I could recommend to you; just the girl to help you to get rid of it."

At this point I think he had some idea of having the finest collection of parlourmaids in Middlesex, but he made it small dogs instead. Was I interested in these? No, but I supposed I'd have to be if he insisted.

"I don't think I should be far wrong," he began, but I hustled him through to the end of his sentence.

"Finest collection in--?" I asked.

"England," he said.

He went over their points, and in an expansive moment I marvelled. This was imprudent, as it caused him to search his mind for some further spectacular triumph wherewith to amaze and delight.

"That," he said, looking up the table, "is my wife."

"Marvellous," said I.

He took this in the best part. "You refer to her diamonds?" he said.

"Did I?" said I.

"The finest collection in Great Britain," he declared, and spread himself over the subject.

Later, in a mood of concession, he inquired as to my specialities. I had none, at least none that I could think of. Determined to extract something noteworthy, he questioned me on every possibility. Was I not married? That was so, I agreed, but then so many women are.

"You have sons, ma'am?" he persisted, with that implacable optimism to which, among other things, he no doubt owed his success in the world.

I thought of Baby. "Ah yes, of course," I said. "The finest collection in Europe."

* * * * *

"'In Norway,' she says, 'we do not eat one-third the quantity that the English eat; our meals are simpler and shorter. I believe that this is the cause of the enormous amount of indigestion that is suffered by the English.'"

_Daily News and Leader._

So our doctor, who attributed our indigestion to lobster mayonnaise, was wrong again.

* * * * *

KINDNESS TO SUBJECTS.

[One of our illustrated papers recently published a picture of the King of Spain in a motor-car which had broken down. The car was being pushed along by some helpful people, and the comment on the picture was, "It is these thoughtful little acts that make royalty so popular nowadays." Lest it should be thought that the other potentates of Europe take less trouble to make themselves beloved by their subjects, we hasten to give a few instances which have come to our notice.]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE WALKERS.

There were eight pretty walkers who went up a hill; They were Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill, And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill, And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

They were all in good training and all of them keen, And their chief wore a coat and a waistcoat of green; He was always a proud man and kept himself clean, Did Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

They intended to lunch when they got to the top On a sandwich apiece and a biscuit and chop. The provisions were carefully bought in a shop By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

They were jesters of merit--the sort who can poke Funny tales in your ribs till you splutter and choke; But the best of the lot at a jibe or a joke Was Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

It was ten of the clock when the walking began, And they started with Tumbledown Bill in the van; And the rear was brought up by that excellent man, By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

They went off at a pace I am bound to deplore, For they did twenty yards in a minute or more And a yard or two over, a capital score For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

They had all that pedestrians fairly can ask: Smooth roads, sunny weather and beer in a cask, And a friend who could teach them to stick to their task, Viz.: Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

Yet I somehow suppose that they hadn't the knack, For in spite of it all they have never come back, And I own that the future looks dismally black For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

Now the walkers who seem to be stuck on the hill, They are Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill, And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill, And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.

R.C.L.

* * * * *

King Peter of Servia.

(From _The Daily Mirror_.)

"The proclamation, however, as given in a later message, reads thus:--To My Beloved People: As I shall be prevented by illness from exercising my royal power for some time, I order, by Article 69 of the Constitution, that so long as my cure lasts the Crown Prince Alexander shall govern in my name. On this occasion I recommend my dear fatherland to the care of the Almighty.

(Signed) Peter."

"On this occasion" is perhaps a little invidious.

* * * * *

Two consecutive books in _The Western Daily Press_ list of publications received:--

"Ring Strategy and Tactics.

Charles Dickens in Chancery."

The boxing boom continues.

* * * * *

THE EMERGENCY EXIT.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Monday, June 22._--Great muster of forces on both sides. Not wholly explained by second reading of Budget Bill standing as first Order. A section of Ministerialists, purists in finance, took exception to proposed procedure. Holt, spokesman at mouth of new Cave, put down amendment challenging Chancellor of Exchequer's proposals. Here was chance for watchful Opposition. If some thirty Ministerialists would go with them into Lobby it would not quite suffice to turn out Ministry; but it would be better than a Snap Division, with its personal inconvenience of preliminary hiding in bath-rooms and underground cellars.

Cassel, adding to Parliamentary reputation studiously attained, raised subject on point of order. Underlying suggestion was that Budget Bill should be withdrawn and reintroduced under amended form of procedure. Speaker, whilst admitting irregularity, stopped short of approving extreme course. Pointed out that the matter might be put right by moving fresh resolutions.

This disappointing. Worse to follow. The Infant Samuel, making fresh appearance in new part of understudy of Chancellor of Exchequer, conceded point of procedure made by Radical Cave. Promised objection should be fully met. Holt, amid ironical cheers from Opposition, said in these circumstances would not move amendment. Incident reminded Walter Long of story of the Colonel and the opossum up a tree.

"Don't shoot!" said the Opossum; "I'll come down."

Chancellor of the Exchequer had come down. No need for Colonel Holt to discharge his gun.

Thus threatened crisis blew over. Members, cheered by promise of reduction by one half of proposed increase in Income Tax, got away early to attend various functions in honour of King's birthday.

_Business done._--Second reading of Budget Bill moved.

_House of Lords, Tuesday._--London season in full fling. May be said to reach dizziest height in this birthday week. Social engagements numerous and clashing. To-day House of Lords magnet of attraction of surpassing force. The thing for _grandes dames_ to do is to go down to the House and be present at opening of fresh tourney round Home Rule Bill. Accordingly, the peeresses, alive to their responsibility as leaders of high thinking and simple living, flock down to Westminster, filling side-galleries with grace, beauty, and some finely feathered hats.

Seats on floor also crowded. Patriotic peers arriving late, finding no room on the benches where the Union Jack is kept flying, cross over. Temporarily seat themselves among the comparatively scanty flock of discredited Ministerialists. Bishops muster in exceptional number. Their rochets form wedge of spotless white thrust in centre of black-coated laity seated below Gangway on right of Woolsack. Space before Throne thronged with Privy Councillors availing themselves of the privilege their rank confers to come thus closely into contact with what is still an hereditary chamber.

In centre of first row Carson uplifts his tall figure and surveys a scene he has done much to make possible.

Perhaps in matter of dramatic interest the play did not quite come up to its superb setting. Principal parts taken by Crewe and Lansdowne. Neither accustomed to move House to spasms of enthusiasm. Leader of House, introducing what is officially known as Government of Ireland Amending Bill, made it clear in such sentences as were fully audible that scheme does not go a step beyond overture towards settlement proffered by Premier last March.

Lansdowne expressed profound disappointment at this lack of enterprise. "Rather a shabby and undignified proceeding on the part of a strong Government," he said, "to come down with proposal they know to be wholly inadequate, and to hint that we ought to assist them in converting it into a practical and workable measure."

Actual condition of things could not with equal brevity be more clearly stated. Bill presented to Lords as sort of lay figure, which they may, in accordance with taste and conviction, suitably clothe. No assurance forthcoming that style and fit will be approved when submitted to House of Commons, final arbiters.

Meanwhile Bill read a first time, and ordered to be printed.

_Business done._--The Commons still harping on the Budget. Tim Healy enlivened proceedings by vigorous personal attack on "the most reckless and incapable Chancellor of the Exchequer that ever sat on the Treasury Bench." Lloyd George's retort courteous looked forward to with interest.

_House of Commons, Wednesday._--When, shortly after half-past five, Chancellor Of Exchequer rose to take part in debate on new development of Budget Bill, House nearly empty. Interests at stake enormous. Situation enlivened for Opposition by quandary of Government. But afternoon is hot, and from the silver Thames cool air blows over Terrace. Accordingly thither Members repair, leaving House to solitude and Chiozza Money.

Benches rapidly filled when news went round that Chancellor was on his legs. Soon there was crowded audience. Sound of cheering and counter-cheering, applausive and derisive, frequently broke forth. Chancellor in fine fighting form. Malcontents in his own camp are reconciled. Hereditary foe in front. Went for him accordingly. Walter Long seated immediately opposite conveniently served as suitable target for whirling lance. Effectively quoted from speeches made by him at other times, insisting upon relief of the rate so heavily burdoned as to make it impossible to carry out social reforms of imperative necessity.

"After these lavish professions of anxiety to help local authorities, I did not," said the Chancellor, "expect the right hon. gentleman and his friends would go rummaging in the dustbins of ancient precedent, to find obstacles to place in the way of proposals of reform."

Carried away by his own eloquence, the Chancellor, whilst sarcastically complimentary to Walter Long, went so far as to call him "The Father of Form IV." The putative parent blushed. There were cries of "Order!" and "Withdraw!" Speaker did not interpose, and Chancellor hurried on to another point of his argument.

Quite a long time since our old friend Form IV., at one time a familiar impulse to party vituperation, was mentioned in debate. This unexpected disclosure of its paternity made quite a stir.

Son Austen followed Chancellor in brisk speech that led to one or two interludes of angry interruption across the Table. When he made an end of speaking, debate relapsed into former condition of languor. Talk dully kept up till half-past eleven.

_Business done._--Further debate on Budget.

_Thursday._--Chancellor of Exchequer admittedly allured by what he describes as "attractive features" of proposal to raise fresh revenue. It is simply the levying of a special tax on all persons using titles.

Idea not absolutely new. Principle established in case of citizens displaying crest or coat-of-arms. What is novel is suggested method of taxation. Differing from the dog-tax, levied at a common rate, it is proposed that our old nobility shall, in this fresh recognition of their lofty estate, be dealt with on a sliding scale. A duke will have his pre-eminence recognised by an exceptionally high rate of taxation. Marquises, earls and a' that will be mulct on a descending scale, till the lowly knight is reached. He will be compensated for comparative obscurity in the glittering throng by being let off for a nominal sum.

Chancellor fears it is too late to adopt proposal this year, a way of putting it which seems to suggest that we may hear more of it in next year's Budget.

_Business done._--Hayes Fisher's Amendment to Budget Bill negatived by 303 votes to 265. Reduction of Ministerial majority to 38 hailed with boisterous burst of cheers and counter-cheers.

* * * * *

* * * * *

The Lord Mayor (on hearing a certain Peel): "Turn again (in your grave), Whittington."

* * * * *

New song for old Cantabs.:--

"O. B., what can the maté be?"

* * * * *

RUS IN URBE.

No, this is not the Russian ballet. It is the English Folk Dance Society, and their performances at the Royal Horticultural Hall at Westminster the other day showed that the Russian ballet is not to have things all its own way. I am not going to moralise upon the salacious quality of some of the themes of our exotic visitors, but certainly it would be difficult to find a stronger contrast to their ruling passion than is presented by the purity and simplicity of these country dances.

"Sellinger's Bound," danced to an air that lulled _Titania_ to sleep all through the winter at the Savoy, was the most popular, with its ring of a dozen dancers, hands joined, running together into the centre of their circle, as if to honour some imaginary deity--possibly Mr. Cecil Sharp, director of the Society, who has collected and revived the airs to which they dance.

Then there were the Morris-dances, "Shepherd's Hey" (with nothing about a "nonny-nonny" in it), and "Haste to the Wedding." There might perhaps be a greater propriety in the latter if it were confined to men; but at least it raised no apprehension that anybody was going to "repent at leisure." In the "Flamborough Sword" dance, the men (with no Amazon assistance) raced through the figure and out again, eight of them, armed with bloodless wooden swords--a finely ordered riot.

"Lady's Pleasure," a Morris-jig for two men, lays hold of you at the first bar, and again with a fresh grip and a tighter as the music slows up for the dancers to do their "capers"--all to the music of Mr. Cecil Sharp at the piano and Miss Avril at the fiddle.

The object of The English Folk Dance Society is to teach rather than to perform in public. Hence the rarity of their displays, and the better reason why we should seize, when they come, our chances of assisting at these delightful exhibitions of an art whose revival has done so much to restore to the countryside the unpretentious joys that gave its name to Merrie England.

* * * * *

"It was the time when Henry III. was batting with Simon de Montfort and his Barons"--_Straits Times._

But not at Lord's, which has only just celebrated its centenary.

* * * * *

GREAT ECONOMY EFFECTED BY CO-OPERATION IN ADVERTISEMENT.

* * * * *

THE MILITANTS' TARIFF.

_Etna Lodge, W._

Mrs. Bangham Smasher, having entered into partnership with the Misses Burnham Blazer, as General Agents of Destruction, begs to inform the public that the firm will prepared to execute commissions of all kinds, at the shortest notice, on the very moderate terms given below:--

£ s. _d_.

For breaking windows, per window 0 7 6 For howling, kicking, or biting during service in church, per howl, kick, or bite 0 10 6 For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons, per hour, if fine 0 15 0 For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons, per hour, if wet 1 1 0 For damaging golf greens, per green 1 11 6 For throwing shoes at magistrates in court, according to size and weight of shoe, from 2 2 0 For beating officials connected with gaols 3 3 0 For slashing and hacking valuable pictures, from 7 7 0 For bombs not intended to explode 8 8 0 For burning down a house, according to value and social position of owner, from 10 0 0 For insulting exalted Personages, per insult 10 10 0 For burning down a modern red-brick church 15 15 0 For burning down a specially valuable and interesting ancient one (eleventh and twelfth centuries extra) 21 0 0 For bombs warranted to destroy an ordinary church. 30 0 0 For bombs suited to wreck really superior Buildings, such as Westminster Abbey and St. Paul's 50 0 0 For disturbing public meetings and the general harassing and annoyance of all peaceable and decent people No charge.

Bangham Smasher, Burnham Blazer & Co. beg to assume their patrons that all the choppers, hammers, bombs, stones, etc., employed in their business are of the very best quality, and only refined paraffin and wax matches will be used in burning down any building.

Being in a position to offer such exceptional advantages they trust to receive a large measure of support in their elevating and enlightening work.

If none of the above is found suitable to the needs of intending clients, a further list of assorted outrages will be supplied on application.

* * * * *

LOVE'S LOGIC.

My happiness is in another's keeping, My heart delivered to a maiden's care, And she can cast it down or set it leaping (The latter process is extremely rare); Ah, would that love indeed had made me blind, That I might put her image out of mind!

Yet if I looked at her with eyes unseeing Her voice and laughter would not pass unheard; I should not be a reasonable being, I still should tremble at her lightest word; How could I then gain freedom from the spell Unless I turned completely deaf as well?