Act 1. Scene 1st.
(PUNCH--_is heard below with a loud squeak: he makes his appearance from the wing on the right hand side of the stage dancing and singing. Enter_ PUNCH.)
PUNCH.--Good day little people--how do you do? The funniest man I ever saw was old JOE MILLER. But the smartest chap among them all was JACK the GIANT KILLER.
The biggest thing on the ice is an Elephant--he is not a pretty bird--and never travels without a trunk. The Pig is a smaller bird--somebody shot his feathers all off.
JUDY, my dear, come up stairs.
(JUDY _answers from below._) I am coming darling. (_Enter_ JUDY.) JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, did you call me?
PUNCH.--I should think I did--had you been here sooner you would have seen the man that lived in the "House that Jack built."
JUDY.--Did you see him?
PUNCH.--I only saw one side of him--that is why I wanted you here--you could have stood on one side, and I on the other, and then we could have seen the whole of him at one time. _He was orful!_
JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, you are such a funny man: now let us have a nice little dance.
PUNCH.--With all my heart. (_They join hands--bow to the audience--then to themselves and step off, keeping time with the sound of the music._)
JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, I am going down stairs to bring up the BABY. (_Exit_ JUDY.)
(PUNCH--_continues to dance--a negro comes up slyly behind him and hits him a heavy blow on the side of his head, and before_ PUNCH _gets a glance at him, darts out of sight._ PUNCH _scratches his head, looks about the stage--seemingly much perplexed--but is soon relieved by the appearance of_ JUDY _with the_ CHILD. _Enter_ JUDY _with the_ BABY.)
JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, here is our own little darling: you hold the child while I go down in the kitchen and prepare dinner--mind you--don't you slap or pinch it, to make it cry. (_He takes the Child. Exit_ JUDY.)
(PUNCH _sings_) "It is good to be a father," etc. (_He tries to make it sit up--the Child cries--he again sings._)
"Lullaby baby in the tree top, When the wind blows the cradle will rock."
Oh, you little tu-te-tutes--pretty bird, sit up. (_He takes it in his lap and tries to make it sit up._) The baby want he mamma? yes, he does. (_He becomes impatient at the noise of the Child._) If you don't stop I'll give you a good spanking. (_Throws the Child up and catches it._) Catchee, catchee, catchee! (_Child continues to cry and_ PUNCH _getting angry throws it out at the window._) He! he! he! (_laughing and singing_)
I am not such an ugly man! The girls all laugh whenever they can-- And they sing, 'there goes the ugly man!'
(_Re-enter_ JUDY.) JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, where is the Child?
PUNCH.--Gone to sleep.
JUDY.--(_Looking around and not seeing it._) Where have you put it?--is it in the cradle?
PUNCH.--No my dear, I put it into the soup.
JUDY.--PUNCH, where's that child? Tell me quickly.
PUNCH.--The Child cried and I dropped it out at the window.
JUDY.--I'll drop you on the floor--depend upon it--where is my stick? (_Exit_ JUDY.)
PUNCH.--There she goes--three feet three inches and a chaw tobacco high. (_He sings_) "there was an old woman who lived in her shoe--shoe--shew!"
(_Re-enter_ JUDY _with a stick; she comes in behind him and hits_ PUNCH _a square blow on the back of the head before he is aware._)
JUDY.--You monster--I'll teach you how to hold a child--you nasty puke.
PUNCH.--So-o-oftly--JUDY my dear so-o-oftly! (_rubbing the back of his head with his hands_) don't be a fool!
JUDY.--You'll drop my poor child out at the window will you? (_hitting him continually on his head._)
PUNCH.--Don't JUDY--stop I tell you--a joke is a joke.
JUDY.--You cruel man--you think it is a joke do you--it is no joke with me to have my poor dear child beat to death! I'll show you how to use a child. (_Hits him._)
PUNCH.--I don't want to learn--are you in earnest?
JUDY.--Yes (_hit_) I (_hit_) am. (_hit._)
PUNCH.--Leave off I tell you. What! you refuse? do you?
JUDY.--I won't leave off. (_Hits him._)
PUNCH.--Very well my lady; now comes my turn. (_He snatches the stick from her, and strikes her on the head while she runs about to different parts of the stage to get out of his way._) How do you like that? old gal, and (_hitting her_) that?
JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, you ought to be ashamed of yourself to strike a woman! a helpless woman like me--get out with you.
PUNCH.--If a horse kicks me I'll kick him back if I can--if a dog bites me I'll bite _him_--_you take that_ (_hits_) and one more (_hits her again--she falls to the floor; PUNCH is alarmed._) No, no; I won't hit you again. JUDY (_he lifts her up_) don't cry--let's make up and never quarrel again! (_He kisses her,_ JUDY _puts her arms around his neck and lovingly forgives him._)
JUDY.--Don't you never strike me any more.
PUNCH.--No never! now my dear go down stairs and take care of the baby--you be good to me and I'll be good to you. (_Exit_ JUDY. PUNCH _sings_)
I am a jolly shoe-maker my name is Dick Ale, I am a bit of a beast for I live in a stall, With an ugly old wife and a tortoise shell cat, I mend boots and shoes with a rat-a-tat-tat.
(_Re-enter_ JUDY.) JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, have you seen Polly Hopkins?
PUNCH.--No I haven't seen her since she had the measles.
JUDY.--Well now since you are in such good humor let us join in a nice little dance.
PUNCH.--Of woman kind I do admire but one and you are she my dearest dear, therefore it shall be done. (_They bow to the audience, then to themselves and dance off:_ PUNCH _singing the tune and both keeping time to the music. Exit_ PUNCH _and_ JUDY.)
(_Enter DOCTOR and SERVANT._) DOCTOR.--He is not here (_to the negro_) JOE, you go through the house--find Mr. PUNCH and tell him I want to see him.
JOE.--Yes sir--I spec he is in de house. (_Exit_ JOE.)
(_Enter_ PUNCH, _who is addressed by the_ DR.) DR.--Is your name PUNCH?
PUNCH.--Yes I am PUNCH--who are you?
DR.--Well sir I am a Doctor.
PUNCH.--Why I am not sick!
DR.--That may be--I have restored to health your little child.
PUNCH.--DR. you are a good fellow. Come and see me some time when I am not at home.
DR.--Mr. PUNCH, my charge for curing the child is fifty dollars.
PUNCH.--Sir: do you take me for the Bank of England?
DR.--Well, to be liberal with you I will throw off one half.
PUNCH.--I will not be outdone in liberality--I will throw off the other half!
DR.--Mr. PUNCH, if you don't pay me I will send the sheriff for you.
PUNCH.--(_Looking for his stick--the_ DR. _flies for his life._) Lucky for you old chap or I would have made a pill of you.
(_Enter_ Miss POLLY HOPKINS.) POLLY.--How do you do sir? I am looking for the man who lived in the house that Jack built.
PUNCH.--(_aside_) Oh, good gracious what a pretty girl: in the language of Shakspear, I am the man.
POLLY.--Why your name is Mr. PUNCH, I know you!
PUNCH.--Yes, (_aside_) how on earth did that little girl learn my name? My little daughter, there are said to be one hundred rooms in my house--but I never could find but ninety--where the other ten are I never knew. But there are about one thousand big Norway rats who live in this house--run riot all night and don't pay no rent. Three days ago I wrote on a number of pieces of papers for the rats to leave--one of these papers was put in every rat-hole in this house.
POLLY.--Have they left?
PUNCH.--_I don't hear no noise for two days_--I think they are making up their minds to seek homes elsewhere.
POLLY.--Did you ever catch any of them?
PUNCH.--Oh, yes, bless you, I made a pot-pie of big fat rats but I could not eat it. I never did like rats any way you can cook them.
POLLY.--What did you do with the pot-pie?
PUNCH.--I gave it to my wife's poor relations.
POLLY.--Mr. PUNCH, 'mother says you are my grandfather's great uncle--when I was a little child you promised me a dollar!'
PUNCH.--I remember it, that was six years ago. (_He sings and dances._) It is nice to be a father. (PUNCH _puts_ POLLY _through a course of spelling._)
POLLY.--Uncle, you won't forget the dollar?
PUNCH.--No. Now I want you to spell sugar. (_She tries and fails._) Follow me my child--now, s-u-g-a-r. (_She repeats the letters but fails to tell what they spell._)
PUNCH.--What does that spell?
POLLY.--I don't know.
PUNCH.--What does your mother put in her tea?
POLLY.--A spoon!
PUNCH.--Bah! sugar my child.
POLLY.--Uncle, don't forget the dollar.
PUNCH.--I'll not forget it--now, POLLY, follow me--(_he proceeds and she repeats_) m-i-l-k--what does that spell?
POLLY.--Sugar.
PUNCH.--No it don't: What do you get in your little mug every morning, when you go round the corner, for your mother?
POLLY.--Whiskey!
PUNCH.--That will do, now go to bed. That child is more than seven years old! _He starts_ POLLY _off to bed and as she makes her exit, she exclaims_, Uncle, don't forget the dollar!
PUNCH sings--
"Polly put the kettle on we will all drink tea, Barney let the girls alone and let them quiet be."