Part 27
The pleasures accompanying the appetite are legitimate and useful in their proper indulgence, and are necessary to life and existence. The child, naturally born, will soon display the uneasiness naturally attendant upon the appetites and it is the duty of the mothers to supply the needs in a careful, intelligent manner. A child may be so bodily impoverished that he will become a moral degenerate, so we would impress the greatest importance upon the bodily care of the child.
STORY OF THE TWO BROTHERS
The case is recalled of a young mother who had two sons, the younger of whom was a healthy, rosy little lad, while the elder was thin and delicate. The healthy boy ate heartily of all that was served him, while the delicate boy only ate choice bits of food and constantly indulged in sweets. The mother praised the healthy boy and showed her disappointment that the elder was not like his brother. Suddenly the family noticed the thin boy was getting stouter and they all told him how pleased they were, and the mother was beginning to feel very happy when to her dismay she discovered that he had padded himself. Her heart was touched with pity when she thought of the pathos in his little mind that prompted him to resort to such measures. The boy was acting a falsehood in order to meet his mother’s approval. This may have all been prevented had the mother sought to ascertain the cause of the poor appetite and supplied the remedy. Had she taken the time to explain to him food values and the necessity of fresh air and exercise, seeing that he availed himself of them, this desire to deceive would probably never have arisen.
The appetite of sex bears the same relation to the continuance of the species as the other appetites bear to the well-being of the body. The family based first on natural love is essential to the existence and development of man. Afterward paternal and maternal love are added and then come all the wider affections toward mankind.
APPETITE MAY BE ACQUIRED
We not only have the natural appetites but the acquired appetites, which are related to desires but in their action they are like original appetites. Artificial appetites may be inherited. This is especially true in the case of the children of the drunkard, opium taker and tobacco user. This is probably due to the effect upon the nervous system, and it is, as a rule, for the effect upon the nervous system that these things are taken. Or, they may be acquired by the individual’s deficiency of self-control and a natural inclination on his part to act the braggadocio or abandon, deluding himself that he is acting manly, and endeavoring to create a like impression upon others.
THE PERIOD OF “COLTISHNESS”
This disposition is always more or less present in children, and particularly so in youth. It would appear in the minds of a great many there is the necessity of a period of coltishness through which we all must pass, and during which there would seem no help for us but a free rein and copious mother-tears. As the world is growing wiser and better, and as we all are coming to recognize this improvement of conditions, these fatuous delusions are losing ground and now instead of it appearing “big” to the child or youth to do those “smart” things, he is beginning to realize that his standing in the community and the respect which he wishes to command, must be governed wholly by the qualities of manliness and gentility of which he is possessed.
It is a failing on our part individually to look upon our own as good and all others as bad, where there is a difference, and however comforting this may be to us, we must face the question squarely—that there is just about as much bad in one as there is in the other. The scales may not always balance in such a comparison, but usually they will very nearly do so. The virtues which are possessed by different individuals may not always be the same, but they always make up for the more or less patent deficiencies.
For instance, our attention was once called to a very lovable young man, weak in character and somewhat dissipated, who was so sympathetic that he would show the deepest solicitude for the poor and helpless child, the dumb brute in its sufferings, or the poor wounded bird. Had the character of this young man been properly trained in the days of his childhood, no thought would have been given by him to those things resulting in dissipation, but that natural energy of young manhood would otherwise have found vent, and have been a great good and a great blessing.
SUBJUGATION OF THE APPETITE
The appetites are not to be eradicated but to be restrained and kept in subjection to their proper ends. The desires are in many ways analogous to the appetites, hence the common expression we “hunger” and “thirst” for knowledge, or power, or any of the so-called six original desires—knowledge, society, love, power, superiority and possession. All proper desires end in their proper objects and seek nothing more. We may seek knowledge whereby we may control and elevate the natural qualities we possess and make safe our influence upon others: or again we may seek knowledge out of vanity for the means of display.
Social life is the chief sphere of our activities and improvements, without which the moral nature could not be developed. But then we may desire society for purely selfish motives, as the child may seek a playmate merely that he may himself be amused, not that he may give pleasure to the other child. The disposition to be loved and esteemed appears very early in childhood. It is considered a mark of bad character to be careless of the regard of others. A moralist once said: “A young man is not far from ruin when he can say without blushing, ‘I don’t care what others think of me’,” and on the other extreme esteem may be craved to such an extent that it may lead to hypocrisy and deceit.
PROPER APPLICATION OF OUR DESIRES
So on through the whole list of desires both natural and acquired, we have the benefits of their proper application and the sorrows and discomforts of their abuses. “Place even the highest-minded philosopher in the midst of daily discomfort, immorality and vileness, and he will insensibly gravitate toward brutality. How much more susceptible is the impressionable and helpless child amid such surroundings! It is not possible to rear a kindly nature, sensitive to evil, pure in mind and heart, amidst coarseness, discomfort and impurity.”
It is said that “the highest of our joys are found in the affections,” but because the appetites and desires seem primarily intended for the existence of our nature it does not follow that they are selfish. We would never know that we needed to take food were it not for the implanted appetite. We would never know that we needed to seek knowledge were it not for implanted desires, nor would we ever be led to deeds of love and sympathy were it not for the implanted affections.
SOWING SEEDS OF KINDLINESS
Good and friendly conduct may meet with an unworthy and ungrateful return, but the absence of gratitude on the part of the receiver cannot destroy the self-approbation which compensates the giver, and we can scatter the seeds of courtesy and kindliness around us at so little expense. Some of them will inevitably fall on good ground and grow up into benevolence in the minds of others, and all of them will bear fruits of happiness in the bosom whence they sprang.
Bentham says that “a man becomes rich in his own stock of pleasures in proportion to the amount he distributes to others. Kind words cost no more than unkind words. Kind words produce kind actions, not only on the part of him to whom they are addressed, but on the part of him by whom they are employed; and this not incidentally only, but habitually, in virtue of the principle of association. It may indeed happen that the effort of beneficence may not benefit those for whom it was intended, but when wisely directed it must benefit the person from whom it emanates.”
A well-known author tells a story of a little girl, a great favorite with every one who knew her. “Why does everybody love you so much?” She answered, “I think it is because I love everybody so much.” This little story is capable of a very wide application; for our happiness as human beings, generally speaking, will be found to be very much in proportion to the number of things we love, and the number of things that love us. The greatest worldly success, however honestly achieved, will contribute comparatively little to happiness unless it be accompanied by a lively benevolence toward every human being.
RESENTMENT AGAINST INJUSTICE
Then we have with the kindly affections the defensive affection—resentment, the spontaneous uprising of our natures against harm and injury. It meets impending danger in an instant—not only personal danger, but is present in our relations with others; as the mother repels harm from her child. The resentment against wrong and injustice should be taught as a righteous and noble attainment, but the abuses are equally dangerous.
The mother will do well to explain to the child the different qualities of this attainment. That quality which will protect him from wrong and injury and which is excited by cruelty and injustice on the one side, and on the other side the abuses which are passion and peevishness. Teach him that the giving away to sudden fits of anger stamps him as being ill-bred and peevishness is a sign of weak character; both of which are diseases that if not cured will tend to destroy the moral structure.
There is more virtue in one sunbeam than a whole hemisphere of clouds and gloom. Therefore, look on the bright side of things. Cultivate what is warm and genial—not the cold and repulsive, the dark and morose. Don’t neglect your duty; live down prejudice.
THE JOYS OF CHEERFULNESS
Cheerfulness! How sweet in infancy, how lovely in youth, how saintly in age! There are a few noble natures whose very presence carries sunshine with them wherever they go; a sunshine which means pity for the poor, sympathy for the suffering, help for the unfortunate, and benignity toward all. How such a face enlivens every other face it meets, and carries into every one vivacity, joy and gladness.
At the same time, life will always be to a large extent what we make it. Each mind makes its own little world. The cheerful mind makes it pleasant, the discontented mind makes it miserable. “My mind to me a kingdom is,” applies alike to the peasant and the monarch. Life is, for the most part, but the mirror of our own individual selves.
PRINCIPLE AND CONSCIENCE
The true character acts rightly, whether in secret or in the sight of others. That boy was well trained who, when asked why he did not pocket some pears, for nobody was there to see, replied: “Yes, there was; I was there to see myself; and I don’t intend ever to see myself do a dishonest thing.” This is a simple but not inappropriate illustration of principle, or conscience, dominating in the character, and exercising a noble protectorate over it; not merely a passive influence, but an active power regulating life.
Such a principle goes on molding the character hourly and daily, growing with a force that operates every moment. Without this dominating influence, character has no protection, but is constantly liable to fall away before temptation; and every such temptation succumbed to, every act of meanness or dishonesty, however slight, causes self-degradation. It matters not whether the act be successful or not, discovered or concealed; the culprit is no longer the same, but another person; and he is pursued by a secret uneasiness, by self-reproach, or the workings of what we call conscience, which is the inevitable doom of the guilty.
WILL DISTINGUISHED FROM CONSCIENCE
We have within us that controlling element or power known as the will which should be distinguished from mere impulse, and which gives us the ability of passing upon and determining suggestions made to our mind and of allowing or disapproving the thought or possible impulse which gives them use. Will is distinguished from conscience in that it marks the determination and lends the force which makes conscience potent, drawing us nearer to the perfection which self-denial and self-control create and, let us hope, to the end—
“That God which ever lives and loves, One God, one law, one element, And one far-off divine event, To which the whole creation moves.”
“The great end of training,” says a great writer, “is liberty; and the sooner you can get a child to be a law unto himself, the sooner you will make a man of him. I will respect human liberty in the smallest child even more scrupulously than in a grown man; for the latter can defend it against me, while the child cannot. Never will I insult the child so far as to regard him as material to be cast into a mold, to emerge with the stamp given by my will.”
DUTY BEGINS IN THE HOME
Duty embraces our whole existence. It begins in the home where there is duty which children owe to their parents on the one hand, and duty which parents owe to their children on the other. There are in like manner, the respective duties of husband and wife, of employer and employee; while outside the home there are the duties which men and women owe to each other as friends and neighbors.
May it be borne in mind that the first seven years of training, in a child’s life, is of such importance as to leave its impress on the character throughout all the coming years. Lyman Abbott says: “Training is the production of habit. Actions oft repeated become a habit; habit long continued becomes a second nature.”
If gentleness and kindliness born of love is given to the child, at the same time forgetting not that kind firmness which guides the child’s life aright; demanding and exacting an immediate and implicit obedience to your instructions and directions, using whatever patience and firmness may be necessary to compel such obedience—then has the parent, and only then, accomplished that beginning and foundation of character building which will send their children forth to bless the world, and crown you with glory.
REVERENCE AND RESPECT
“Life is the wonder of wonders.” We can neither create it nor can we comprehend its mystery. From the sun worshiper of the East to the red man of the West, from the philosopher to the child there is in him that natural inclination to bow with reverence to that all majestic, all powerful source of this which we call life. “The greatest harm one may do in life is to destroy it.”
The child has a natural tendency toward destruction, which we often see illustrated in the youth whose chief pleasure is obtained by pulling up the wild flowers and shrubs. He says, “they do not suffer.” Possibly not, but they have been a means used to decorate and beautify the earth. To destroy them for amusement is an insult to the great Creator, and is also hardening his own heart. He will not long be satisfied to trample upon the rose or crush the lily, but will want to torture living things that will cry out with pain. When he has robbed the bird’s nest, mutilated the toad and tied the tin can to the dog’s tail, he will then turn to his fellowman to satiate his cultivated taste for cruelty. The attack upon the flowers was only the preliminary act to destroy his sympathy, love and pity. He has forgotten the law, “Thou shalt not kill.”
EVIL EFFECTS OF BAD EXAMPLE, ETC.
To spoil another’s life is almost as grave an act as to take it from him. Each one of us in a way holds the health and happiness of others in his keeping, and by bad example, ill-treatment or injustice may make life to some one so undesirable that death would be a pleasure. Many children have been made nervous wrecks by the mockery and cruel tricks of their companions, and many parents and teachers have had their health and happiness seriously impaired by disobedience and disregard. Life is forever imperiled by the wickedness, ignorance and thoughtlessness of those who, in their childhood, failed to receive the instructions due them by those who were responsible for their future being.
As a counterpart to this disposition of destruction we have in our nature a gentle, sympathetic tendency which will respect life and development and will guide us to its protection and care from the dropping of the seed to the harvest. Pity must be aroused when we see life endangered, not only at the misfortune of humanity, but even the wounded bird or the flower crushed by the storm should bring a responsive heart-throb.
Teach the child to straighten the broken flower and to replant and gently press the soil around the uprooted shrub. Notice the pleasure he will experience when the flower revives and the shrub takes root. How much greater will be his pleasure to minister to some living thing. Help him dress the broken wing of the bird and warm the chilled kitten; with what eagerness he will work only that they may recover.
LOVE, HONOR AND REVERENCE
He has then learned to join to pity those activities which constitute mercy. It will then be an easy matter for him to care for the sick and infirm, to see for the blind, to hear for the deaf and to walk for the lame. Let them lift the burden from the shoulders of the aged who have “blazed the trail” and made possible our present benefits. To them all love, honor and reverence is due. It is said, “old men for counsel, young men for action.” Necessarily, the old engineer who has been going over the road for many years knows more of the dangerous grades and uncertain curves than the strong young man who is to take the throttle from the trembling hand, and who will be assured of success if he has learned the lesson of wisdom in respecting the counsel of the aged.
It is a mistaken idea to shield children from all knowledge of misery and suffering. It is not those who are blinded to suffering who experience the greatest amount of joy in life, but the acme of joy comes to those who have relieved some suffering. It is not always possible to do great acts of charity, but it is an easy matter to give the kind word or smile that may turn the tide which will convince some one that life is worth while. It has been our experience that children may be taught the elementary principles of nursing to a very great advantage. The knowledge of diet and hygiene enables them not only to care for others, but is applicable to their own bodily needs. The quiet step, the gentle voice, the self-control necessary to the care of the sick, and the respect due the physician and patient, are all good lessons in his early moral and mental training.
CHINESE RESPECT FOR PARENTS AND AGED
We must confess that the Chinese hold a higher regard for their parents and the aged than we do. They look upon the Western custom of the son’s coming of age and going out into the world without regard to his parents, or they for him in many cases, as behavior fit for the brute and not fit for human beings. With them, as the parents are held responsible for the conduct of the child, so the child is responsible for the credit of the parents.
All children cannot be clever or highly intellectual, but they may all be well trained and unselfish. A child should be taught in a mannerly fashion and not in accordance with a story told of a mother who was taking her well-beloved child, Tommy, to a Christmas-tree entertainment given in a public hall. At the door of the hall she said: “Tommy, mind your manners; smile and look pleasant, or when I get you out again I will break every bone in your body.” As the mother is rude to her child, in like degree she may expect rudeness from the child. A child has a right to civility as well as the adult. General Garfield said: “I never pass a ragged boy in the street without feeling that one day I might owe him a salute.”
RESPECT IN THE SCHOOL ROOM
There is no surer way to teach a child to respect himself than to respect him. Trebonius, a great schoolmaster, upon entering the school-room was wont to lift his hat and say: “I uncover to the future senators, counsellors, wise teachers, and other great men that may come forth from this school.” There is no place where the respect of children is more potent than in the school-room. The teacher who so respects them, will in return receive that reverence and love which will make labor pleasure instead of toil.
There is no greater indication of rudeness and ill-training than too great familiarity with any one, more especially to those in higher official positions. A young man was asked why, as he had a preference for the army, he did not seek to become an officer. He replied: “I would not like to have to salute a superior officer.” A young man of this description would not be of value in any profession or to society. It is not the individual that we salute, but the commission of the superior officer. Every rank in life has its distinctive dignity, so we should insist upon that respect due our position, at the same time not forgetting the respect due others in both private and public life.
LOVE AND REVERENCE FOR ONE’S COUNTRY
We cannot impress too early on the child’s mind the love and reverence he owes to his country. The superior merits of her institutions should always be present in such teachings so that the child always would recognize the best under the flag which stands for his welfare and protection. Regardless of the respective merits of different governments, let none be greater than his own so that the child will learn always to defend and maintain the honor and dignity of his country.
The essential condition to be aimed at in home life should be that as the child grows up there be no question of fear, and that if the parents are to do the most for their children and are going to get the greatest amount of pleasure and comfort for themselves from them, there must be a spirit of perfect respect and kindly comradeship. Parents and children, to use the common but most expressive phrase, should in the best sense of the term be companions.
The laws of this and every civilized land teach respect for the property of others, the justice, not the penalty which commands due respect. But respect for the opinions and views of others—this is a virtue that needs be inoculated in your children’s minds early. It is closely connected with charity. In teaching this form of respect impress upon them the great difference in people. No two persons see or think exactly alike. The world would be monotonous were all of its people the same in thought and expression. It is always well to remember that, “it takes all kinds of people to make a world.” Respect for parents, for strangers, for the aged, should be instilled in the mind of every child. Explain to them that, “respect for others’ views is the surest way of winning them to your own.” Reverence for things sacred always helps to brighten the way. The reverence with which a little child kneels at his mother’s side is a beautiful sight. Respect for the mother’s teachings and reverence in the worship of God through her implicit faith in a higher power. Reverence and respect go hand in hand. “As ye measure to others, so in like manner shall it be measured to you again.”
DUTIES OF CHILDREN TO THEIR PARENTS
CHILDREN SHOULD SHARE IN DUTIES
Let the children share in the duties of the home. Even while very young there are many steps that a child may save the mother. Let them do the little things, such as bringing mother’s work basket or having something ready for father’s comfort when he comes home from the day’s work and care. Gradually, as they grow, let the tasks gently shift over to the young shoulders. It results by so doing in the mother always finding time to be the companion of her husband and children—and that they will appreciate.