Chapter 90

I THOUGHT you _very_ unkind, nay, very unfeeling, last night. My cares and vexations--I will say what I allow myself to think--do me honour, as they arise from my disinterestedness and _unbending_ principles; nor can that mode of conduct be a reflection on my understanding, which enables me to bear misery, rather than selfishly live for myself alone. I am not the only character deserving of respect, that has had to struggle with various sorrows--while inferior minds have enjoyed local fame and present comfort.--Dr. Johnson's cares almost drove him mad--but, I suppose, you would quietly have told him, he was a fool for not being calm, and that wise men striving against the stream, can yet be in good humour. I have done with insensible human wisdom,--"indifference cold in wisdom's guise,"--and turn to the source of perfection--who perhaps never disregarded an almost broken heart, especially when a respect, a practical respect, for virtue, sharpened the wounds of adversity. I am ill--I stayed in bed this morning till eleven o'clock, only thinking of getting money to extricate myself out of some of my difficulties--The struggle is now over. I will condescend to try to obtain some in a disagreeable way.

Mr. ------ called on me just now--pray did you know his motive for calling[82-A]?--I think him impertinently officious.--He had left the house before it occurred to me in the strong light it does now, or I should have told him so--My poverty makes me proud--I will not be insulted by a superficial puppy.--His intimacy with Miss ------ gave him a privilege, which he should not have assumed with me--a proposal might be made to his cousin, a milliner's girl, which should not have been mentioned to me. Pray tell him that I am offended--and do not wish to see him again!--When I meet him at your house, I shall leave the room, since I cannot pull him by the nose. I can force my spirit to leave my body--but it shall never bend to support that body--God of heaven, save thy child from this living death!--I scarcely know what I write. My hand trembles--I am very sick--sick at heart.----

MARY.

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