Chapter 25
“Yes, if you can, I’ll do my best for you”, said the Squire. So the Master Thief set off to a shop, and bought brandy enough to fill two pocket-flasks, and into one of them he put a sleepy drink, but into the other only brandy. After that he hired eleven men to lie in wait at night, behind the Squire’s stable-yard; and last of all, for fair words and a good bit of money, he borrowed a ragged gown and cloak from an old woman; and so, with a staff in his hand, and a bundle at his back, he limped off, as evening drew on, towards the Squire’s stable. Just as he got there they were watering the horses for the night, and had their hands full of work. “What the devil do you want?” said one of the grooms to the old woman.
“Oh, oh! hutetu! it is so bitter cold”, said she, and shivered and shook, and made wry faces. “Hutetu! it is so cold, a poor wretch may easily freeze to death”; and with that she fell to shivering and shaking again.
“Oh! for the love of heaven, can I get leave to stay here a while, and sit inside the stable door?”
“To the devil with your leave”, said one. “Pack yourself off this minute, for if the Squire sets his eye on you, he’ll lead us a pretty dance.”
“Oh! the poor old bag-of-bones”, said another, whose heart took pity on her, “the old hag may sit inside and welcome; such a one as she can do no harm.”
And the rest said, some she should stay, and some she shouldn’t; but while they were quarrelling and minding the horses, she crept further and further into the stable, till at last she sat herself down behind the door; and when she had got so far, no one gave any more heed to her.
As the night wore on, the men found it rather cold work to sit so still and quiet on horseback.
“Hutetu! it is so devilish cold”, said one, and beat his arms crosswise.
“That it is”, said another; “I freeze so, that my teeth chatter.”
“If one only had a quid to chew”, said a third.
Well! there was one who had an ounce or two; so they shared it between them, though it wasn’t much, after all, that each got; and so they chewed and spat, and spat and chewed. This helped them somewhat; but in a little while they were just as bad as ever.
“Hutetu!” said one, and shivered and shook.
“Hutetu!” said the old woman, and shivered so, that every tooth in her head chattered. Then she pulled out the flask with brandy in it, and her hand shook so that the spirit splashed about in the flask, and then she took such a gulp, that it went “bop” in her throat.
“What’s that you’ve got in your flask, old girl?” said one of the grooms.
“Oh! it’s only a drop of brandy, old man”, said she.
“Brandy! Well, I never! Do let me have a drop”, screamed the whole twelve, one after another.
“Oh! but it is such a little drop”, mumbled the old woman, “it will not even wet your mouths round.” But they must and would have it; there was no help for it; and so she pulled out the flask with the sleepy drink in it, and put it to the first man’s lips; then she shook no more, but guided the flask so that each of them got what he wanted, and the twelfth had not done drinking before the first sat and snored. Then the Master Thief threw off his beggar’s rags, and took one groom after the other so softly off their horses, and set them astride on the beams between the stalls; and so he called his eleven men, and rode off with the Squire’s twelve horses. But when the Squire got up in the morning, and went to look after his grooms, they had just begun to come to; and some of them fell to spurring the beams with their spurs, till the splinters flew again, and some fell off, and some still hung on and sat there looking like fools.
“Ho! ho!” said the Squire; “I see very well who has been here; but as for you, a pretty set of blockheads you must be to sit here and let the Master Thief steal the horses from between your legs.”
So they all got a good leathering because they had not kept a sharper look-out.
Further on in the day came the Master Thief again, and told how he had managed the matter, and asked for the Squire’s daughter, as he had promised; but the Squire gave him one hundred dollars down, and said he must do something better still.
“Do you think now”, said he, “you can steal the horse from under me while I am out riding on his back?” “O, yes! I daresay I could”, said the Master Thief, “if I were really sure of getting your daughter.”
Well, well, the Squire would see what he could do; and he told the Master Thief a day when he would be taking a ride on a great common where they drilled the troops. So the Master Thief soon got hold of an old worn-out jade of a mare, and set to work, and made traces and collar of withies and broom-twigs, and bought an old beggarly cart and a great cask. After that he told an old beggar woman, he would give her ten dollars if she would get inside the cask, and keep her mouth agape over the taphole, into which he was going to stick his finger. No harm should happen to her; she should only be driven about a little; and if he took his finger out more than once, she was to have ten dollars more. Then he threw a few rags and tatters over himself, and stuffed himself out, and put on a wig and a great beard of goat’s hair, so that no one could know him again, and set off for the common, where the Squire had already been riding about a good bit. When he reached the place, he went along so softly and slowly that he scarce made an inch of way. “Gee up! Gee up!” and so he went on a little; then he stood stock still, and so on a little again; and altogether the pace was so poor it never once came into the Squire’s head that this could be the Master Thief.
At last the Squire rode right up to him, and asked if he had seen any one lurking about in the wood thereabouts. “No”, said the man, “I haven’t seen a soul.”
“Harkye, now”, said the Squire, “if you have a mind to ride into the wood, and hunt about and see if you can fall upon any one lurking about there, you shall have the loan of my horse, and a shilling into the bargain, to drink my health, for your pains.”
“I don’t see how I can go”, said the man, “for I am going to a wedding with this cask of mead, which I have been to town to fetch, and here the tap has fallen out by the way, and so I must go along, holding my finger in the taphole.”
“Ride off”, said the Squire; “I’ll look after your horse and cask.”
Well, on these terms the man was willing to go; but he begged the Squire to be quick in putting his finger into the taphole when he took his own out, and to mind and keep it there till he came back. At last the Squire grew weary of standing there with his finger in the taphole, so he took it out.
“Now I shall have ten dollars more!” screamed the old woman inside the cask; and then the Squire saw at once how the land lay, and took himself off home; but he had not gone far before they met him with a fresh horse, for the Master Thief had already been to his house, and told them to send one. The day after, he came to the Squire and would have his daughter, as he had given his word; but the Squire put him off again with fine words, and gave him two hundred dollars, and said he must do one more masterpiece. If he could do that, he should have her. Well, well, the Master Thief thought he could do it, if he only knew what it was to be.
“Do you think, now”, said the Squire, “you can steal the sheet off our bed, and the shift off my wife’s back. Do you think you could do that?”
“It shall be done”, said the Master Thief. “I only wish I was as sure of getting your daughter.”
So when night began to fall, the Master Thief went out and cut down a thief who hung on the gallows, and threw him across his shoulders, and carried him off. Then he got a long ladder and set it up against the Squire’s bedroom window, and so climbed up, and kept bobbing the dead man up and down, just for all the world like one that was peeping in at the window.
“That’s the Master Thief, old lass!” said the Squire, and gave his wife a nudge on the side. “Now see if I don’t shoot him, that’s all.”
So saying he took up a rifle which he had laid at his bedside.
“No! no! pray don’t shoot him after telling him he might come and try”, said his wife.
“Don’t talk to me, for shoot him I will”, said he; and so he lay there and aimed and aimed; but as soon as the head came up before the window, and he saw a little of it, so soon was it down again. At last he thought he had a good aim; “bang” went the gun, down fell the dead body to the ground with a heavy thump, and down went the Master Thief too as fast as he could.
“Well”, said the Squire, “it is quite true that I am the chief magistrate in these parts; but people are fond of talking, and it would be a bore if they came to see this dead man’s body. I think the best thing to be done is that I should go down and bury him.”
“You must do as you think best, dear”, said his wife. So the Squire got out of bed and went downstairs, and he had scarce put his foot out of the door before the Master Thief stole in, and went straight upstairs to his wife.
“Why, dear, back already!” said she, for she thought it was her husband.
“O yes, I only just put him into a hole, and threw a little earth over him. It is enough that he is out of sight, for it is such a bad night out of doors; by-and-by I’ll do it better. But just let me have the sheet to wipe myself with—he was so bloody—and I have made myself in such a mess with him.”
So he got the sheet.
After a while he said:
“Do you know I am afraid you must let me have your nightshift too, for the sheet won’t do by itself; that I can see.”
So she gave him the shift also. But just then it came across his mind that he had forgotten to lock the house-door, so he must step down and look to that before he came back to bed, and away he went with both shift and sheet.
A little while after came the true Squire.
“Why! what a time you’ve taken to lock the door, dear!” said his wife; “and what have you done with the sheet and shift?”
“What do you say?” said the Squire.
“Why, I am asking what you have done with the sheet and shift that you had to wipe off the blood”, said she.
“What, in the Deil’s name!” said the Squire, “has he taken me in this time too?”
Next day came the Master Thief and asked for the Squire’s daughter, as he had given his word; and then the Squire dared not do anything else than give her to him, and a good lump of money into the bargain; for, to tell the truth, he was afraid lest the Master Thief should steal the eyes out of his head, and that the people would begin to say spiteful things of him if he broke his word. So the Master Thief lived well and happily from that time forward. I don’t know whether he stole any more; but if he did, I am quite sure it was only for the sake of a bit of fun.
THE BEST WISH
Once on a time there were three brothers; I don’t quite know how it happened, but each of them had got the right to wish one thing, whatever he chose. So the two elder were not long a-thinking; they wished that every time they put their hands in their pockets they might pull out a piece of money; for, said they:
“The man who has as much money as he wishes for is always sure to get on in the world.”
But the youngest wished something better still. He wished that every woman he saw might fall in love with him as soon as she saw him; and you shall soon hear how far better this was than gold and goods.
So, when they had all wished their wishes, the two elder were for setting out to see the world; and Boots, their youngest brother, asked if he mightn’t go along with them; but they wouldn’t hear of such a thing.
“Wherever we go”, they said, “we shall be treated as counts and kings; but you, you starveling wretch, who haven’t a penny, and never will have one, who do you think will care a bit about you?”
“Well, but in spite of that, I’d like to go with you”, said Boots; “perhaps a dainty bit may fall to my share too off the plates of such high and mighty lords.”
At last, after begging and praying, he got leave to go with them, if he would be their servant, else they wouldn’t hear of it.
So, when they had gone a day or so, they came to an inn, where the two who had the money alighted, and called for fish and flesh, and fowl, and brandy and mead, and everything that was good; but Boots, poor fellow, had to look after their luggage and all that belonged to the two great people. Now, as he went to and fro outside, and loitered about in the inn-yard, the innkeeper’s wife looked out of window and saw the servant of the gentlemen upstairs; and, all at once, she thought she had never set eyes on such a handsome chap. So she stared and stared, and the longer she looked the handsomer he seemed.
“Why what, by the Deil’s skin and bones, is it that you are standing there gaping at out of the window?” said her husband. “I think ’twould be better if you just looked how the sucking pig is getting on, instead of hanging out of window in that way. Don’t you know what grand folk we have in the house to-day?”
“Oh!” said his old dame, “I don’t care a farthing about such a pack of rubbish; if they don’t like it they may lump it, and be off; but just do come and look at this lad out in the yard; so handsome a fellow I never saw in all my born days; and, if you’ll do as I wish, we’ll ask him to step in and treat him a little, for, poor lad, he seems to have a hard fight of it.”
“Have you lost the little brains you had, Goody?” said the husband, whose eyes glistened with rage; “into the kitchen with you, and mind the fire; but don’t stand there glowering after strange men.”
So the wife had nothing left for it but to go into the kitchen, and look after the cooking; as for the lad outside, she couldn’t get leave to ask him in, or to treat him either; but just as she was about spitting the pig in the kitchen, she made an excuse for running out into the yard, and then and there she gave Boots a pair of scissors, of such a kind that they cut of themselves out of the air the loveliest clothes any one ever saw, silk and satin, and all that was fine.
“This you shall have because you are so handsome,” said the innkeeper’s wife.
So when the two elder brothers had crammed themselves with roast and boiled, they wished to be off again, and Boots had to stand behind their carriage, and be their servant; and so they travelled a good way, till they came to another inn. There the two brothers again alighted and went indoors, but Boots, who had no money, they wouldn’t have inside with them; no, he must wait outside and watch the luggage. “And mind”, they said, “if any one asks whose servant you are, say we are two foreign Princes.”
But the same thing happened now as happened before; while Boots stood hanging about out in the yard, the innkeeper’s wife came to the window and saw him, and she too fell in love with him, just like the first innkeeper’s wife; and there she stood and stared, for she thought she could never have her fill of looking at him. Then her husband came running through the room with something the two Princes had ordered.
“Don’t stand there staring like a cow at a barn-door, but take this into the kitchen, and look after your fish-kettle, Goody”, said the man; “don’t you see what grand people we have in the house to-day?”
“I don’t care a farthing for such a pack of rubbish”, said the wife; “if they don’t like what they get they may lump it, and eat what they brought with them. But just do come here, and see what you shall see! Such a handsome fellow as walks here, out in the yard, I never saw in all my born days. Shan’t we ask him in and treat him a little; he looks as if he needed it, poor chap?” and then she went on:
“Such a love! such a love!”
“You never had much wit, and the little you had is clean gone, I can see”, said the man, who was much more angry than the first innkeeper, and chased his wife back, neck and crop, into the kitchen.
“Into the kitchen with you, and don’t stand glowering after lads”, he said.
So she had to go in and mind her fish-kettle, and she dared not treat Boots, for she was afraid of her old man; but as she stood there making up the fire, she made an excuse for running out into the yard, and then and there she gave Boots a table-cloth, which was such that it covered itself with the best dishes you could think of, as soon as it was spread out.
“This you shall have”, she said, “because you’re so handsome.”
So when the two brothers had eaten and drank of all that was in the house, and had paid the bill in hard cash, they set off again, and Boots stood up behind their carriage. But when they had gone so far that they grew hungry again, they turned into a third inn, and called for the best and dearest they could think of.
“For”, said they, “we are two kings on our travels, and as for our money, it grows like grass.”
Well, when the innkeeper heard that, there was such a roasting, and baking, and boiling; why! you might smell the dinner at the next neighbour’s house, though it wasn’t so very near; and the innkeeper was at his wits’ end to find all he wished to put before the two kings. But Boots, he had to stand outside here too, and look after the things in the carriage.
So it was the same story over again. The innkeeper’s wife came to the window and peeped out, and there she saw the servant standing by the carriage. Such a handsome chap she had never set eyes on before; so she looked and looked, and the more she stared the handsomer he seemed to the innkeeper’s wife. Then out came the innkeeper, scampering through the room, with some dainty which the travelling kings had ordered, and he wasn’t very soft-tongued when he saw his old dame standing and glowering out of the window.
“Don’t you know better than to stand gaping and staring there, when we have such great folk in the house”, he said; “back into the kitchen with you this minute, to your custards.”
“Well! well!” she said, “as for them, I don’t care a pin. If they can’t wait till the custards are baked, they may go without—that’s all. But do, pray, come here, and you’ll see such a lovely lad standing out here in the yard. Why I never saw such a pretty fellow in my life. Shan’t we ask him in now, and treat him a little, for he looks as if it would do him good. Oh! what a darling! What a darling!”
“A wanton gadabout you’ve been all your days, and so you are still”, said her husband, who was in such a rage he scarce knew which leg to stand on; “but if you don’t be off to your custards this minute, I’ll soon find out how to make you stir your stumps; see if I don’t.”
So the wife had off to her custards as fast as she could, for she knew that her husband would stand no nonsense; but as she stood there over the fire she stole out into the yard, and gave Boots a tap.
“If you only turn this tap”, she said; “you’ll get the finest drink of whatever kind you choose, both mead, and wine, and brandy; and this you shall have because you are so handsome.”
So when the two brothers had eaten and drunk all they could, they started from the inn, and Boots stood up behind again as their servant, and thus they drove far and wide, till they came to a king’s palace. There the two elder gave themselves out for two emperor’s sons, and as they had plenty of money, and were so fine that their clothes shone again ever so far off, they were well treated. They had rooms in the palace, and the king couldn’t tell how to make enough of them. But Boots, who went about in the same rags he stood in when he left home, and who had never a penny in his pocket, he was taken up by the king’s guard, and put across to an island, whither they used to row over all the beggars and rogues that came to the palace. This the king had ordered, because he wouldn’t have the mirth at the palace spoilt by those dirty blackguards; and thither, too, only just as much food as would keep body and soul together was sent over everyday. Now Boots’ brothers saw very well that the guard was rowing him over to the island, but they were glad to be rid of him, and didn’t pay the least heed to him.
But when Boots got over there, he just pulled out his scissors and began to snip and cut in the air; so the scissors cut out the finest clothes any one would wish to see; silk and satin both, and all the beggars on the island were soon dressed far finer than the king and all his guests in the palace. After that, Boots pulled out his table-cloth, and spread it out, and so they got food too, the poor beggars. Such a feast had never been seen at the king’s palace, as was served that day at the Beggars’ Isle.
“Thirsty, too, I’ll be bound you all are”, said Boots, and out with his tap, gave it a turn, and so the beggars got all a drop to drink; and such ale and mead the king himself had never tasted in all his life.
So, next morning, when those who were to bring the beggars their food on the island, came rowing over with the scrapings of the porridge-pots and cheese-parings—that was what the poor wretches had—the beggars wouldn’t so much as taste them, and the king’s men fell to wondering what it could mean; but they wondered much more when they got a good look at the beggars, for they were so fine the guard thought they must be Emperors or Popes at least, and that they must have rowed to a wrong island; but when they looked better about them, they saw they were come to the old place.
Then they soon found out it must be he whom they had rowed out the day before who had brought the beggars on the island all this state and bravery; and as soon as they got back to the palace, they were not slow to tell how the man, whom they had rowed over the day before, had dressed out all the beggars so fine and grand that precious things fell from their clothes.
“And as for the porridge and cheese we took, they wouldn’t even taste them, so proud have they got”, they said.
One of them, too, had smelt out that the lad had a pair of scissors which he cut out the clothes with.
“When he only snips with those scissors up in the air he snips and cuts out nothing but silk and satin”, said he.
So, when the Princess heard that, she had neither peace nor rest till she saw the lad and his scissors that cut out silk and satin from the air; such a pair was worth having, she thought, for with its help she would soon get all the finery she wished for. Well, she begged the king so long and hard, he was forced to send a messenger for the lad who owned the scissors; and when he came to the palace, the Princess asked him if it were true that he had such and such a pair of scissors, and if he would sell it to her. Yes, it was all true he had such a pair, said Boots, but sell it he wouldn’t; and with that he took the scissors out of his pocket, and snipped and snipped with them in the air till strips of silk and satin flew all about him.
“Nay, but you must sell me these scissors”, said the Princess. “You may ask what you please for them, but have them I must.”
No! Such a pair of scissors he wouldn’t sell at any price, for he could never get such a pair again; and while they stood and haggled for the scissors, the Princess had time to look better at Boots, and she too thought with the innkeepers’ wives that she had never seen such a handsome fellow before. So she began to bargain for the scissors over again, and begged and prayed Boots to let her have them; he might ask many, many hundred dollars for them, ’twas all the same to her, so she got them.
“No! sell them I won’t”, said Boots; “but all the same, if I can get leave to sleep one night on the floor of the Princess’ bedroom, close by the door, I’ll give her the scissors. I’ll do her no harm, but if she’s afraid, she may have two men to watch inside the room.”