Part 5

Then the little bustling old gentleman wrote the rest of the notes; for Beppo was rather slow, and ran his tongue out in the most fearful manner, in his anxiety to spell the words right, and then they were nicely sealed up in envelopes, and he put them all together in a pretty little basket.

And now the coachman was ordered to bring out the state carriage and four horses, and Beppo, sitting up inside on his hind-legs, very grand, and no doubt exceedingly uncomfortable, carried the notes of invitation to the most fashionable dogs of his acquaintance.

Three of the dogs to be invited lived in the house, as you know; but they had notes as well as the rest, for that is the way to be perfectly polite. I dare say you have many a time heard people say something like this—

“Oh, it don’t make any difference what there is for dinner when _you_ come, because we are so intimate; but I should be mortified to death, not to have every thing nice when General Fusbos is invited, as he is such a stranger.”

This is abominable manners—as if you ought not to treat those you love far better than a stranger. It always makes me very indignant when such a remark is made to _me_; and I sincerely hope you will profit all your life by this hint about _true_ politeness from our friend Beppo.

You can’t have a great many at a dinner party, you know; so you must be careful to invite the most agreeable people, and as many ladies as gentlemen. Beppo knew this as well as you, and so you may be sure he had taken great pains to have a pleasant party.

The next morning there were a great many people ringing at the little bustling old gentleman’s door, and each one left a note.

Beppo ran into a corner with them, as fast as they arrived, and read them in a great hurry. At last one came, very pretty, of a three-cornered shape, and smelling of roses. The moment Beppo opened it, and glanced at the contents, he danced around the room for joy, waving the note in the air with one of his fore-paws. Then he rushed up to his master, exclaiming—

“She’s coming! my Lord Chesterfield, she’s coming! Just fancy how delightful to have her sweet face and golden curls among our hairy muzzles! Oh, we must be very polite, and make her as happy as possible.”

It was a lovely summer’s day. The sun turned the ripples of the river into shifting gold, and there was singing, and buzzing, and whispering, and laughing everywhere; all felt kind and loving. Even the hideous old scarecrow in the cornfield allowed Beppo, in his joy, to dash at him and playfully throw him down, bang! on his old red nose, and he never once attempted to get up; for he said, in his pine-wood heart—

“I’m a brute, after all, to frighten the poor birds out of their wits. I’ll just lie down here and take a nap, and let the dear little things have a good time for once.”

Oh, it was charming to see that even an old scarecrow could be polite, which, after all, is only another name for loving-kindness.

Just before five o’clock, the nurse brought little Lucy, dressed in blue, and looking like a fairy. Strange to say, although only four years old, she was not in the least frightened, but put her soft white arms around Beppo’s neck, and said, “Oh, I love oo, good dog!” and hugged him so kindly, that he would have given all the world to have had her tumble into the water again, so that he might save her life once more.

The little bustling old gentleman took her by the hand, and showed her all over his curious old house, with its suits of rusty armor, great stag horns nailed to the walls, and queer black-looking paintings; and Beppo followed wherever they went, gently wagging his tail, and answering every question with admirable politeness.

And now all the dogs who had been invited had come, and were sitting in the parlor waiting for the dinner-bell to ring, talking and laughing as pleasantly and properly as the king, or the president, or you, or I.

Of course, the first thing any one said, after “How-de-do?” was, “It’s a fine day!” because that’s the solemn rule in all polite society. Then, of course, they went on to say it was worse weather last week, and would be better weather next week; and after about a dozen more deeply interesting remarks upon the weather, the dinner-bell rang, and made them all jump. But the very next instant they sat down again, trying to look as if they were in no sort of hurry, as it would have been very bad manners to rush pell-mell down stairs. Everybody knows that.

First the little bustling Lord Chesterfield stepped out, leading Lucy with the utmost consideration and politeness. Then Beppo made a low bow to a very respectable old lady-mastiff, and begged the honor of handing her into dinner, to which she graciously consented. Then a very tall stag-hound, with an uncommonly sharp nose, paired off with Flora, a beautiful pointer; while a large, grave, middle-aged Newfoundland dog made himself agreeable to an Italian greyhound of no particular age; at least she never liked to tell how old she was, and almost always had the snuffles. Then a pert little black-and-tan terrier skipped up to a coquettish King Charles, and said “would she make him the happiest dog in the world?” upon which she shook her silky ears, and putting her head on one side, and half shutting her beautiful black eyes, lisped out “she would;” while a fat poodle, invited because she was so exceedingly genteel, and a Skye terrier, also used to the very best society, brought up the rear; and thus they marched two and two, with the utmost propriety, into the dining-room.

And now see this elegant party at the table. The little bustling old gentleman at the foot, and Beppo, whose back is turned to you, at the head, with Lucy at his right hand.

I forgot to tell you that our friend had requested a private interview with my Lord Chesterfield, about an hour before dinner.

“Well, sir, what do you wish?” he asked.

“My dear master,” said Beppo, respectfully, “you know very well that the dogs who will come to my dinner-party will none of them have on coats or pantaloons, or hooped skirts. I do not wish to mortify them, so please let me wear my natural suit for this once, and only my gold collar.”

The little bustling old gentleman turned upon him with a look of rage, enough to petrify a milestone.

“Is this your gratitude?” he roared, “when I am spending all my days in teaching you to live and dress like a gentleman?”

Then, recollecting all of a sudden that he was setting a very bad example of politeness, he put on a remarkably sweet expression, and added in the mildest tone—

“Excuse me; I forgot myself. I believe—well—yes, upon the whole, as this party is given in your honor, you may do as you please to-day.”

“Bow, wow, wow!” barked Beppo, in a perfect ecstasy of delight, and leaping with all four feet in the air. “Bow, w-o-w-w! Oh, my goodness!” he continued, suddenly stopping; “I forgot _myself_, or rather _you_, sir. Please to forgive me; I could not keep the bark in; and it is utterly impossible to stop wagging my tail, I am so happy.”

“Ah! how short is life!” sighed Lord Chesterfield; “I am afraid I shall die before my dogs, cats, and monkeys come to perfection!”

But you ought to have seen how elegantly they arranged themselves at the table, bowing and smiling the whole blessed time. It was something worth looking at, I can tell you—all sitting up as fine as you please, five on each side. The waiters, who were rigged out in regimentals, tied white napkins around their necks, at which, I must confess, there was some snarling and a bark or so, and one or two tried to wriggle out of them; but at a grave, severe look from my Lord Chesterfield, they gave up with a low whine, which was much better than could have been expected.

Beppo had a fine piece of beef to carve, and his master a pair of roasted chickens; but all the rest of the dishes were pies of different kinds of birds—pigeon-pie, snipe-pie, woodcock-pie, poll-parrot-pie, owl-pie, cat-bird-pie, and booby-pie, for a booby is a bird as well as a dunce.

Oh, my goodness! how they _did_ want to dive into these delicious pies with their paws. If they had dared, they would have behaved exactly as most people do on board of steamboats, where they pounce on all the dishes they can reach at once, and empty them pell-mell on their plates. I have seen oysters, pie, roast beef, salt fish, and ice cream, all mixed up on the same plate—a perfectly horrible mess; and that was because these greedy people had not the first idea of politeness or courtesy one to another, and the want of it made them behave like pigs.

“Shall I help you to a slice of the chicken, madam?” said Lord Chesterfield to Lucy.

“If you please,” said Lucy, with a pretty little bow and smile.

“What part do you prefer, madam?”

“I like the merry _sort_, if you please,” answered the dear little thing—meaning the merry _thought_.

Now this was perfect good manners. Some people would have said, “Any part—I’m not at all particular,” and would have been very impolite, for then the carver would not be sure he should suit them; so, when you are asked, always choose a part.

“Will _you_ have chicken?” asked Lord Chesterfield of the respectable old lady-mastiff.

“Oh, oh! give it to _me_! _I_ want some,” squeaked out the little black-and-tan terrier, quick as a flash, before the old mastiff could utter a syllable.

What an awful look he got from the bustling little old gentleman! and the mastiff faced round upon him with, “Sir, you’re a disrespectful puppy,” and glared in a way to frighten him into fits; while the stag-hound opposite stuck his sharp nose up in the air, and remarked in a whisper to Flora, the beautiful pointer, that “really, young America was getting too impudent for any thing.”

Beppo looked imploringly at his master to forgive little Snap this time, as he was young and silly, and hastened to put a delicious cat-bird, with crust and gravy, on his plate; and after this the dinner went on splendidly, except that the greyhound of no particular age kept her tongue waggling out of her mouth very nearly the whole time, on account of the snuffles, which prevented her from breathing freely. It was not very elegant conduct, but as she couldn’t help it, nobody looked at her; and that, you’ll own, was the politest way of behaving under the circumstances. The fat poodle and the Skye terrier talked a little in French about it, to be sure, but as nobody else understood what they said, and as they smiled all the time, the rest took it for granted that they were admiring their neighbors, and felt highly gratified.

Everybody ate and drank with all the decorum and delicacy of our city aldermen, who ought to be held up as examples of courtesy, honesty, and moderation, to the whole universe. They did not leave so much as a bone on their plates; but I am sorry to say they were in rather too much of a hurry at dessert, for most of them burned their mouths severely with the hot cracker pudding, and Snap, the black-and-tan terrier, declared that it must have been made of fire-crackers.

But, take it all in all, it was a splendid entertainment; and, after it was over, the ladies went back to the parlors, and talked about the last fashions. “Ears were to be cut off closer than ever, for terriers,” said the King Charles; and “red, white and blue collars were considered rather old-timed,” was observed by the beautiful pointer; “that is, unless the army did something decided _at once_, then they would be the rage again immediately.” The gentlemen of course talked of nothing but money, _money_, MONEY, as men, the dogs!? always do, when they get together, and if Lord Chesterfield had not made the signal to move, they would have stayed there talking about money to this day.

Lucy had taken the pretty little King Charles spaniel in her lap, and they had a most delightful chat together, which ended in their vowing everlasting friendship to each other, and promising to exchange visits every day, for, as the King Charles was one of Lord Chesterfield’s family, this could be very easily done.

When the gentlemen came up stairs, they had coffee, and then, as it was getting dark, the little bustling old gentleman ordered the gas to be lighted, and proposed some music. First, Lucy played “Old Dog Tray,” with one little white finger on the piano, and then she lisped out, in her sweet way, “I know a pretty ’tory.”

“Ah! tell it!” cried all the company, gathering gently round her, for there was no pushing, or squealing—“Here, let _me_ come in! don’t crowd so!” No, indeed! for that would have been any thing but polite. They all fastened their eyes on the lovely little girl, who stood resting her arm on Beppo’s neck, so proud and happy to have it there, and in her sweet voice, like a robin’s song, she began:

“A—doo was faller fas,[1] A—’tar bedan a—bink, I heard a voice, a—said, “_Dint_, pitty teeter, _dint_!” A—looker in a—hed, A—’fore me I a—pied A snow ’ite mount a—lamb, ’Ith a maiden at a—side. No ozzer seep—a—near; A—lamb was a—ll aloney, And by a ’ittle cord Was fasser to a toney, Ith—ith—

[1] “The dew was falling fast, the stars began to blink, I heard a voice—it said ‘Drink, pretty creature, drink!’ &c.” —_Wordsworth’s poem of the “Pet Lamb.”_

“Oh! I tant say any more,” said Lucy. “What a pity!” and she bent down her lovely golden head, and blushed.

“Oh yes, what a pity!” echoed all the company. “It was so sweet; but we thank you very much for this; it was beautiful!”

“Will oo sing for me?” asked Lucy.

“Certainly,” they all cried with the utmost readiness; “our voices are not very good, and will sound horridly after your sweet tones, but you may be sure we shall do our best.”

They selected a hunting song with a chorus, and sure enough, with the exception of the stag-hound, whose voice was melody itself, you might have supposed it a compound of distressed rats, an old pump-handle, ungreased cart-wheels, a poker on a tin pan, and the spiritual rappers quarrelling together; for it was all squeal, howl, whine, grunt, and groan, of the most dismal description; but as they really tried with all their might and main to sing a good song, everybody looked pleased, because they took the will for the deed, and made the best of it. Do you observe that, my young friends? Well, never curl your lips with contempt, or make fun of any honest, kind-hearted effort to entertain you. Try to be pleased and thankful: _take the will for the deed_, and, my word for it, you will find a delicious glow come into your heart, and a lovely expression in your eyes; all your ugly thoughts will fly away to the bottomless pit, and you will find yourself really loving the one you meant to ridicule.

Presently there came one of those long, solemn pauses which _will_ take place, do your best, when you have company, and Lord Chesterfield hastened to propose a game. As they were nearly all young and frisky, _with the truest politeness_, he proposed a frolicsome play, though he would much rather have had a sober talk on politics himself. Mind this, if you have a little party, don’t insist on doing what _you_ like best, and taking all the prettiest and best things, but study the wishes of your guests, and do what pleases _them_ most.

So Lord Chesterfield proposed the game of the “Family Coach,” to assist their digestion, which was hailed with bounds of delight by all except the old lady-mastiff, and the middle-aged Newfoundland dog, who preferred to take a quiet chat together, which ended in a nap on the sofa; but as they smiled and nodded to each other all the same, the rest concluded they were only shutting their eyes, as very sentimental people do when they talk, and so no offence was taken at their sleeping before company, and the poor old things had a very refreshing time of it.

The little bustling old gentleman appointed himself master of ceremonies, and there not being dogs enough for a grand frolic, introduced a few of the cats and monkeys; who were so enchanted at the chance to come in, that they frisked, and danced, and made a very narrow escape of screaming for joy and becoming perfectly riotous with the fun of the thing; and that, you know, would not have been polite.

I have a great mind to write down the way Lord Chesterfield made them play this game. I think you will like to know. So here it is.

Usually, you must invent a story about the “Family Coach,” as you play; but unless you are very bright and quick about it, there is not much fun. The next time you have a little party, play this game as it is set down here. I have never seen any written before, and I think, if you use this story, you will have a real funny time.

In the first place, Lord Chesterfield gave them all a part or name, which they must by no means forget, and the point is, that when your name is called, you must get up instantly, twirl around quickly, and sit down again; and when “Family Coach” is mentioned, _everybody_ in the play must get up instantly, twirl around quickly, and sit down again.

There were little Lucy and twenty-eight dogs, cats, and monkeys to play, and they each took one of these parts:

1. Off-leader } 2. Near-leader } HORSES. 3. Off-wheeler } 4. Near-wheeler } 5. Reins. 6. Traces. 7. Pole. 8. Whip. 9. Box. 10. Fore-axles. 11. Hind-axles. 12. Fore-wheels. 13. Hind-wheels. 14. Dog’s tail. 15. Lamps. 16. Foot-board. 17. Steps. 18. Windows. 19. Doors. 20. Linch-pin. 21. Hubs. 22. Spokes. 23. Springs. 24. Coachman. 25. Footman. 26. Old lady. 27. Fat poodle. 28. Coach-dog. 29. Blinders.

Then the good old gentleman began, speaking rather quickly—

“Once upon a time, in a certain tumbledown old house in the country, there existed a family heir-loom, in the shape of a FAMILY COACH.”

All the dogs, cats, and monkeys bounced up with such a whirl, that they looked like whipping-tops, with their own quickly whisking tails for whips, and dear little Lucy, in her haste and delight, tumbled over sideways, and fell softly on the carpet. She did not hurt herself the least bit, but jumped up laughing, to Beppo’s great joy, and the play went on.

“To be sure, the FAMILY COACH was rather worn out: the _wheels_ were none of the best; the _axles_ were nearly rotten; the _linch-pins_ were rusty; the _box_ tottering, and the whole FAMILY COACH decaying.

“But then the _old lady_ who owned it thought it worth all the new ones from here to Kamtschatka. The _fat poodle_ and the _coach-dog_ couldn’t live without it. The _fat poodle_ barked, and the _coach-dog_ wagged his _tail_ for joy whenever it appeared. Indeed nobody knew whether the _old lady_, the _fat poodle_, the _coach-dog_, the _coach-dog’s tail_, the _coachman_, or the _footman_, was most delighted at the event, when one day the _old lady_ ordered out the FAMILY COACH.

“Immediately the _footman_ told the _coachman_, the _coachman_ told the _coach-dog_, the _fat poodle_ heard of it and barked, and the FAMILY COACH groaned in every part under the rubbing and the scrubbing that was bestowed upon the _pole_, the _reins_, the _traces_, the _box_, the _fore-axles_, the _hind-axles_, the _fore-wheels_, the _hind-wheels_, the _lamps_, the _foot-board_, the _steps_, the _windows_, the _doors_, the _linch-pins_, the _hubs_, the _spokes_, and the _springs_.

“At last, the _off-leader_ and _near-leader_ the _off-wheeler_ and _near-wheeler_, were harnessed to the _pole_ and _traces_; the _blinders_ and _reins_ were in apple-pie order; the _lamps_ were lit, and the _coachman_ mounted the _box_; the _footman_, the _foot board_; the _old lady_ got inside, and the _fat poodle_ was following, when, lo and behold! the _coach-dog_ got jealous, seized the _fat poodle_ by the leg, and made him bawl, ‘Ki-i! ki-i!’

“Then the _coachman_ flourished his _whip_, the _footman_ fell off the _foot-board_ laughing, and the _old lady_ nearly fainted. But a crack of the _whip_ on the _coach-dog’s tail_ made him let go, and the poor _fat poodle_ got inside with a piece out of his leg; the _leaders_ and _wheelers_ pranced and danced, the _axles_ groaned, and the FAMILY COACH started.

“For some time all went on beautifully; the _wheels_ rolled smoothly around; the _leaders_ and _wheelers_ trotted comfortably along; the _coachman_ only cracked his _whip_ for show; the _footman_ amused himself by going to sleep; the _old lady_ nodded inside; and the _fat poodle_ stared out of the _windows_ and _doors_, and grinned and made faces at the _coach-dog_, who had to run underneath.

“Presently the roads became rough, and the _springs_ began to pitch the FAMILY COACH about. The _axles_ groaned, the _linch-pins_ became shaky, the _hubs_ were in a pucker, the _spokes_ gave a warning crack, and the _footman_ woke up with a prodigious jerk, that nearly took his head off. The _coachman_ now gathered up the _reins_ and cracked the _whip_ in earnest; the _old lady_ squeaked, and told the _coachman_ to be careful; the _coachman_ got saucy, and said he knew his own business best; the _fat poodle_ began to turn pale, and the _coach-dog_ took precious good care to keep himself and his _tail_ out of danger.

“But oh! ah! alas! the very next minute the FAMILY COACH went pounce into a great mud-hole. The _coachman_ jumped off the _box_, the _footman_ tumbled off the _foot-board_, and both tried to lift the _fore-wheels_ and _hind-wheels_, but they found they couldn’t do it. Then they got back to their places; the _coachman_ cracked his _whip_ tremendously; the _off-leader_ and _near-leader_, _off-wheeler_ and _near-wheeler_, bounced and jumped, and pranced and danced, till their _blinders_ were twisted into their eyes; the _pole_ rattled; the _reins_ and _traces_ creaked; both the _axles_ groaned; but the _wheels_ wouldn’t turn.

“At last, slap, bang! with one tremendous crash! the _linch-pins_ came out, and the _wheels_ rolled off; the _two leaders_ and _two wheelers_ ran away with their _blinders_; the _lamps_ were smashed; the _doors_ and _windows_ broken; the _fat poodle_ fell on the _old lady_; the _old lady_ tumbled down on the _floor_, which broke through, and all came pounce on the poor _coach-dog_, who lost his _tail_ by its being squeezed off; and _coachman_, _footman_, _old lady_, _fat poodle_, and _coach-dog_ lay all jumbled up amid the ruins of _wheels_, _axles_, _reins_, _traces_, _whip_, _pole_, _lamps_, _foot-board_, _steps_, _windows_, _doors_, _linch-pins_, _hubs_, _spokes_, and _springs_ which once composed that splendid old fossil, the FAMILY COACH.”

There were lots of forfeits to redeem, notwithstanding the natural quickness of little Lucy and the dogs, cats, and monkeys to whirl and spring about. Of course you know that if you forget to turn around when your name is called, you must pay a forfeit. The redeeming of these made an immense deal of laughing and chattering. The dogs acted funny, the cats funnier, and the monkeys funniest of all; while little Lucy’s eyes sparkled like diamonds, and she danced and sang the whole time; so, upon the whole, it was quite as delightful a party as one made altogether of good little boys and girls; for the best of all was, that not a single cross bark, snarl, mew, chatter, or squeal was heard; and I for one would much rather be invited to a party of perfectly polite and good-natured dogs, cats, and monkeys, than to one of children who wanted to slap and scratch. Wouldn’t you?

* * * * *

“Oh you funny, funny Aunt Fanny!” cried the children, laughing heartily, “to make dogs and cats teach us politeness; who ever heard of such a thing before?”

“That’s what _I_ call pretty sharp shooting,” said Fred.