Part 8

_Lady Smart._ O Madam; I have heard ’em say, that too good is stark naught.

[Miss _drinking Part of a Glass of Wine_.

_Neverout._ Pray, let me drink your Snuff.

_Miss._ No, indeed; you shan’t drink after me, for you’ll know my Thoughts.

_Neverout._ I know them already; you are thinking of a good Husband: Besides, I can tell your Meaning by your Mumping.

_Lady Smart._ Pray, my Lord, did not you order the Butler to bring up a Tankard of our _October_ to Sir _John_? I believe, they stay to brew it.

[_The_ Butler _brings up the Tankard to_ Sir John.

_Sir John._ Won’t your Ladyship please to drink first?

_Lady Smart._ No, Sir _John_; ’tis in a very good Hand; I’ll pledge you.

_Col._ [_to Ld. Smart._] My Lord, I love _October_ as well as Sir _John_; and I hope, you won’t make Fish of one, and Flesh of another.

_Ld. Smart._ Colonel, you’re heartily welcome. Come, Sir _John_, take it by Word of Mouth, and then give it the Colonel.

[Sir John _drinks_.

_Ld. Smart._ Well, Sir _John_, how do you like it?

_Sir John._ Not as well as my own in _Darbyshire_; ’tis plaguy small.

_Lady Smart._ I never taste Malt Liquor; but they say, ’tis well hopt.

_Sir John._ Hopt! why, if it had hopp’d a little further, it would have hopp’d into the River. O my Lord, my Ale is Meat, Drink and Cloth; it will make a Cat speak, and a wise Man dumb.

_Lady Smart._ I was told, ours was very strong.

_Sir John._ Ay, Madam, strong of the Water; I believe the Brewer forgot the Malt, or the River was too near him: Faith, it is mere Whip-Belly-Vengeance; he that drinks most has the worst Share.

_Col._ I believe, Sir _John_, Ale is as Plenty as Water at your House.

_Sir John._ Why, faith, at _Christmas_ we have many Comers and Goers; and they must not be sent away without a Cup of _Christmas_ Ale, for fear they should —— behind the Door.

_Lady Smart._ I hear, Sir _John_ has the nicest Garden in _England_; they say, ’tis kept so clean, that you can’t find a Place where to spit.

_Sir John._ O Madam; you are pleased to say so.

_Lady Smart._ But, Sir _John_, your Ale is terrible strong and heady in _Derbyshire_, and will soon make one drunk and sick; what do you then?

_Sir John._ Why, indeed, it is apt to fox one; but our Way is, to take a Hair of the same Dog next Morning.——I take a new-laid Egg for Breakfast; and, faith, one should drink as much after an Egg as after an Ox.

_Ld. Smart._ _Tom Neverout_, will you taste a Glass of the _October_?

_Neverout._ No, faith, my Lord; I like your Wine, and I won’t put a Churle upon a Gentleman; your Honour’s Claret is good enough for me.

_Lady Smart._ What! is this Pigeon left for Manners? Colonel, shall I send you the Legs and Rump?

_Col._ Madam, I could not eat a Bit more, if the House was full.

_Ld. Smart_ [_carving a Partridge._] Well; one may ride to _Rumford_ upon this Knife, it is so blunt.

_Lady Answ._ My Lord, I beg your Pardon; but they say, an ill Workman never had good Tools.

_Ld. Smart._ Will your Lordship have a Wing of it?

_Ld. Sparkish._ No, my Lord; I love the Wing of an Ox a great deal better.

_Ld. Smart._ I’m always cold after Eating.

_Col._ My Lord, they say, that’s a Sign of long Life.

_Ld. Smart._ Ay; I believe I shall live till all my Friends are weary of me.

_Col._ Pray, does any body here hate Cheese? I would be glad of a Bit.

_Ld. Smart._ An odd kind of Fellow dined with me t’other Day; and when the Cheese came upon the Table, he pretended to faint; so somebody said, Pray, take away the Cheese; No, said I; pray, take away the Fool: Said I well?

[_Here a large and loud Laugh._

_Col._ Faith, my Lord, you serv’d the Coxcomb right enough; and therefore I wish we had a Bit of your Lordship’s _Oxfordshire_ Cheese.

_Ld. Smart._ Come, hang Saving; bring us a Halfporth of Cheese.

_Lady Answ._ They say, Cheese digests every thing but itself.

[_A Footman brings a great whole Cheese._

_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay; this would look handsome, if any body should come in.

_Sir John._ Well; I’m weily rosten, as they sayn in _Lancashire_.

_Lady Smart._ Oh! Sir _John_; I wou’d I had something to brost you withal.

_Ld. Smart._ Come; they say, ’tis merry in Hall, when Beards wag all.

_Lady Smart._ Miss, shall I help you to some Cheese? or will you carve for yourself?

_Neverout._ I’ll hold Fifty Pounds, Miss won’t cut the Cheese.

_Miss._ Pray, why so, Mr. _Neverout_?

_Neverout._ Oh there is a Reason, and you know it well enough.

_Miss._ I can’t for my Life understand what the Gentleman means.

_Ld. Smart._ Pray, _Tom_, change the Discourse; in Troth you are too bad.

_Col._ [_whispers Neverout._] Smoke Miss; faith, you have made her fret like Gum Taffety.

_Lady Smart._ Well, but Miss; (hold your Tongue, Mr. _Neverout_) shall I cut you a Piece of Cheese?

_Miss._ No, really, Madam; I have dined this half Hour.

_Lady Smart._ What! quick at Meat, quick at Work, they say.

[Sir John _nods_.

_Ld. Smart._ What! are you sleepy, Sir _John_? do you sleep after Dinner?

_Sir John._ Yes, faith; I sometimes take a Nap after my Pipe; for when the Belly is full, the Bones will be at Rest.

_Ld. Smart._ Come, Colonel; help yourself, and your Friends will love you the better. [_To Lady Answ._] Madam, your Ladyship eats nothing.

_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, I have fed like a Farmer; I shall grow as fat as a Porpoise; I swear my Jaws are weary of chawing.

_Col._ I have a Mind to eat a Piece of that Sturgeon; but fear it will make me sick.

_Neverout._ A rare Soldier indeed! Let it alone, and I warrant it won’t hurt you.

_Col._ Well; but it would vex a Dog to see a Pudden creep.

[Sir John _rises_.

_Ld. Smart._ Sir _John_, what are you doing?

_Sir John._ Swolks, I must be going, by’r Lady; I have earnest Business; I must do as the Beggars do, go away when I have got enough.

_Ld. Smart._ Well, but stay till this Bottle’s out; you know, the Man was hang’d that left his Liquor behind him: And besides, a Cup in the Pate is a Mile in the Gate; and a Spur in the Head is worth two in the Heel.

_Sir John._ Come then; one Brimmer to all your Healths. [_The Footman gives him a Glass half full._] Pray, Friend, what was the rest of this Glass made for? An Inch at the Top, Friend, is worth two at the Bottom. [_He gets a Brimmer, and drinks it off._] Well, there’s no Deceit in a Brimmer, and there’s no false _Latin_ in this; your Wine is excellent good, so I thank you for the next, for I am sure of this: Madam, has your Ladyship any Commands in _Darbyshire_? I must go Fifteen Miles To-night.

_Lady Smart._ None, Sir _John_, but to take Care of Yourself; and my most humble Service to your Lady unknown.

_Sir John._ Well, Madam, I can but love and thank you.

_Lady Smart._ Here, bring Water to wash; tho’, really, you have all eaten so little, that you have no need to wash your Mouths.——

_Ld. Smart._ But, pr’ythee, Sir _John_, stay awhile longer.

_Sir John._ No, my Lord; I am to smoke a Pipe with a Friend before I leave the Town.

_Col._ Why, Sir _John_, had not you better set out To-morrow?

_Sir John._ Colonel, you forget To-morrow is _Sunday_.

_Col._ Now I always love to begin a Journey on _Sundays_, because I shall have the Prayers of the Church, to preserve all that travel by Land, or by Water.

_Sir John._ Well, Colonel; thou art a mad Fellow to make a Priest of.

_Neverout._ Fie, Sir _John_, do you take Tobacco? How can you make a Chimney of your Mouth?

_Sir John_ [_to Neverout._] What! you don’t smoke, I warrant you, but you smock. (Ladies, I beg your Pardon.) Colonel, do you never smoke?

_Col._ No, Sir _John_; but I take a Pipe sometimes.

_Sir John._ I’faith, one of your finical _London_ Blades dined with me last Year in _Darbyshire_; so, after Dinner, I took a Pipe; so my Gentleman turn’d away his Head: So, said I, What, Sir, do you never smoke? So, he answered as you do, Colonel; No, but I sometimes take a Pipe: So, he took a Pipe in his Hand, and fiddled with it till he broke it: So, said I, Pray, Sir, can you make a Pipe? So, he said No; so, said I, Why, then, Sir, if you can’t make a Pipe, you should not break a Pipe; so, we all laugh’d.

_Ld. Smart._ Well; but, Sir _John_, they say, that the Corruption of Pipes is the Generation of Stoppers.

_Sir John._ Colonel, I hear, you go sometimes to _Darbyshire_; I wish you would come and foul a Plate with me.

_Col._ I hope, you’ll give me a Soldier’s Bottle.

_Sir John._ Come, and try. Mr. _Neverout_, you are a Town-Wit, can you tell me what kind of Herb is Tobacco?

_Neverout._ Why, an _Indian_ Herb, Sir _John_.

_Sir John._ No,’tis a Pot Herb; and so here’s t’ye in a Pot of my Lord’s _October_.

_Lady Smart._ I hear, Sir _John_, since you are married, you have forsworn the Town.

_Sir John._ No, Madam; I never forswore any thing but building of Churches.

_Lady Smart._ Well; but, Sir _John_, when may we hope to see you again in _London_?

_Sir John._ Why, Madam, not till the Ducks have eat up the Dirt; as the Children say.

_Neverout._ Come, Sir _John_; I foresee it will rain terribly.

_Lady Smart._ Come, Sir _John_, do nothing rashly; let us drink first.

_Ld. Sparkish._ I know Sir _John_ will go, tho’ he was sure it would rain Cats and Dogs: But pray, stay, Sir _John_; you’ll be time enough to go to Bed by Candle-light.

_Ld. Smart._ Why, Sir _John_, if you must needs go; while you stay, make good Use of your Time: Here’s my Service to you, a Health to our Friends in _Darbyshire_: Come, sit down; let us put off the evil Hour as long as we can.

_Sir John._ Faith, I could not drink a Drop more, if the House was full.

_Col._ Why, Sir _John_, you used to love a Glass of good Wine in former Times.

_Sir John._ Why, so I do still, Colonel; but a Man may love his House very well, without riding on the Ridge: Besides, I must be with my Wife on _Tuesday_, or there will be the Devil and all to pay.

_Col._ Well, if you go To-day, I wish you may be wet to the Skin.

_Sir John._ Ay; but they say, the Prayers of the Wicked won’t prevail.

[Sir John _takes Leave, and goes away_.

_Ld. Smart._ Well, Miss, how do you like Sir _John_?

_Miss._ Why, I think, he’s a little upon the silly, or so: I believe, he has not all the Wit in the World; but I don’t pretend to be a Judge.

_Neverout._ Faith, I believe, he was bred at _Hogs-Norton_, where the Pigs play upon the Organs.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, _Tom_, I thought You and He were Hand and Glove.

_Neverout._ Faith, he shall have a clean Threshold for me; I never darkned his Door in my Life, neither in Town nor Country; but he’s a quere old Duke by my Conscience; and yet, after all, I take him to be more Knave than Fool.

_Lady Smart._ Well, come; a Man’s a Man, if he has but a Nose on his Head.

_Col._ I was once with Him and some other Company over a Bottle; and, egad, he fell asleep, and snor’d so hard, that we thought he was driving his Hogs to Market.

_Neverout._ Why, what! you can have no more of a Cat than her Skin; you can’t make a Silk Purse out of a Sow’s Ear.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, since he’s gone, the Devil go with him and Sixpence; and there’s Money and Company too.

_Neverout._ Faith, he’s a true Country Put. Pray, Miss, let me ask you a Question?

_Miss._ Well; but don’t ask Questions with a dirty Face: I warrant, what you have to say will keep cold.

_Col._ Come, my Lord, against you are disposed; Here’s to all that love and honour you.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, that was always _Dick Nimble_’s Health. I’m sure you know he’s dead.

_Col._ Dead! Well, my Lord, you love to be a Messenger of ill News: I’m heartily sorry; but, my Lord, we must all die.

_Neverout._ I knew him very well: But, pray, how came he to die?

_Miss._ There’s a Question! you talk like a Poticary: Why, because he could live no longer.

_Neverout._ Well; rest his Soul: We must live by the Living, and not by the Dead.

_Ld. Sparkish._ You know, his House was burnt down to the Ground.

_Col._ Yes; it was in the News: Why Fire and Water are good Servants, but they are very bad Masters.

_Ld. Smart._ Here, take away, and set down a Bottle of _Burgundy_: Ladies, you’ll stay, and drink a Glass of Wine before you go to your Tea.

[_All taken away, and the Wine set down_, &c.

[Miss _gives_ Neverout _a smart Pinch_.

_Neverout._ Lord, Miss, what d’ye mean! D’ye think I have no Feeling?

_Miss._ I’m forc’d to pinch, for the Times are hard.

_Neverout_ [_giving Miss a Pinch._] Take that, Miss; what’s Sauce for a Goose is for a Gander.

_Miss_ [_screaming._] Well, Mr. _Neverout_, if I live, that shall neither go to Heaven nor Hell with you.

_Neverout_ [_takes Miss’s Hand._] Come, Miss; let us lay all Quarrels aside, and be Friends.

_Miss._ Don’t be so teizing! You plague a body so!——Can’t you keep your filthy Hands to yourself?

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, where did you get that Pick-Tooth Case?

_Miss._ I came honestly by it.

_Neverout._ I’m sure it was mine, for I lost just such a one; nay, I don’t tell you a Lye.

_Miss._ No; if You lye, it is much.

_Neverout._ Well; I’m sure ’tis mine.

_Miss._ What! you think every Thing is yours, but a little the King has.

_Neverout._ Colonel, you have seen my fine Pick-Tooth Case; don’t you think this is the very same?

_Col._ Indeed, Miss, it is very like it.

_Miss._ Ay; what he says, you’ll swear.

_Neverout._ Well; but I’ll prove it to be mine.

_Miss._ Ay; do if you can.

_Neverout._ Why, what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is my own.

_Miss._ Well, run on till you’re weary, nobody holds you.

[Neverout _gapes_.

_Col._ What, Mr. _Neverout_, do you gape for Preferment?

_Neverout._ Faith, I may gape long enough, before it falls into my Mouth.

_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, my Lord and I intend to beat up your Quarters one of these Days: I hear, you live high.

_Neverout._ Yes, faith, Madam; live high, and lodge in a Garret.

_Col._ But, Miss, I forgot to tell you, that Mr. _Neverout_ got the devilishest Fall in the Park To-day.

_Miss._ I hope he did not hurt the Ground: But how was it, Mr. _Neverout_? I wish I had been there, to laugh.

_Neverout._ Why, Madam, it was a Place where a Cuckold has been bury’d, and one of his Horns sticking out, I happened to stumble against it; that was all.

_Lady Smart._ Ladies, let us leave the Gentlemen to themselves; I think it is Time to go to our Tea.

_Lady Answ._ & _Miss._ My Lords and Gentlemen, your most humble Servant.

_Ld. Smart._ Well, Ladies, we’ll wait on you an Hour hence.

[_The Gentlemen alone._

_Ld. Smart._ Come, _John_, bring us a fresh Bottle.

_Col._ Ay, my Lord; and, pray, let him carry off the dead Men (as we say in the Army.)

[_Meaning the empty Bottles._

_Ld. Sparkish._ Mr. _Neverout_, pray, is not that Bottle full?

_Neverout._ Yes, my Lord; full of Emptiness.

_Ld. Smart._ And, d’ye hear, _John_? bring clean Glasses.

_Col._ I’ll keep mine; for I think, the Wine is the best Liquor to wash Glasses in.

POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.

DIALOGUE III.

_The Ladies at their Tea._

_Lady Smart._ Well, Ladies; now let us have a Cup of Discourse to ourselves.

_Lady Answ._ What do you think of your Friend, Sir _John Spendall_?

_Lady Smart._ Why, Madam,’tis happy for him, that his Father was born before him.

_Miss._ They say, he makes a very ill Husband to my Lady.

_Lady Answ._ But he must be allow’d to be the fondest Father in the World.

_Lady Smart._ Ay, Madam, that’s true; for they say, the Devil is kind to his own.

_Miss._ I am told, my Lady manages him to Admiration.

_Lady Smart._ That I believe; for she’s as cunning as a dead Pig; but not half so honest.

_Lady Answ._ They say, she’s quite a Stranger to all his Gallantries.

_Lady Smart._ Not at all; but, you know, there’s none so blind as they that won’t see.

_Miss._ O Madam, I am told, she watches him, as a Cat would watch a Mouse.

_Lady Answ._ Well, if she ben’t foully belied, she pays him in his own Coin.

_Lady Smart._ Madam, I fancy I know your Thoughts, as well as if I were within you.

_Lady Answ._ Madam, I was t’other Day in Company with Mrs. _Clatter_; I find she gives herself Airs of being acquainted with your Ladyship.

_Miss._ Oh, the hideous Creature! did you observe her Nails? they were long enough to scratch her Granum out of her Grave.

_Lady Smart._ Well, She and _Tom Gosling_ were banging Compliments backwards and forwards; it look’d like Two Asses scrubbing one another.

_Miss._ Ay, claw me, and I’ll claw thou: But, pray, Madam; who were the Company?

_Lady Smart._ Why, there was all the World, and his Wife; there was Mrs. _Clatter_, Lady _Singular_, the Countess of _Talkham_, (I should have named her first;) _Tom Goslin_, and some others, whom I have forgot.

_Lady Answ._ I think the Countess is very sickly.

_Lady Smart._ Yes, Madam; she’ll never scratch a grey Head, I promise her.

_Miss._ And, pray, what was your Conversation?

_Lady Smart._ Why, Mrs. _Clatter_ had all the Talk to herself, and was perpetually complaining of her Misfortunes.

_Lady Answ._ She brought her Husband Ten Thousand Pounds; she has a Town-House and Country-house: Would the Woman have her —— hung with Points?

_Lady Smart._ She would fain be at the Top of the House before the Stairs are built.

_Miss._ Well, Comparisons are odious; but she’s as like her Husband, as if she were spit out of his Mouth; as like as one Egg is to another: Pray, how was she drest?

_Lady Smart._ Why, she was as fine as Fi’pence; but, truly, I thought, there was more Cost than Worship.

_Lady Answ._ I don’t know her Husband: Pray, what is he?

_Lady Smart._ Why, he’s a Concealer of the Law; you must know, he came to us as drunk as _David_’s Sow.

_Miss._ What kind of Creature is he?

_Lady Smart._ You must know, the Man and his Wife are coupled like Rabbets, a fat and a lean; he’s as fat as a Porpus, and she’s one of _Pharaoh_’s lean Kine: The Ladies and _Tom Gosling_ were proposing a Party at Quadrille, but he refus’d to make one: Damn your Cards, said he, they are the Devil’s Books.

_Lady Answ._ A dull unmannerly Brute! Well, God send him more Wit, and me more Money.

_Miss._ Lord! Madam, I would not keep such Company for the World.

_Lady Smart._ O Miss, ’tis nothing when you are used to it: Besides, you know, for Want of Company, welcome Trumpery.

_Miss._ Did your Ladyship play?

_Lady Smart._ Yes, and won; so I came off with Fidlers Fare, Meat, Drink, and Money.

_Lady Answ._ Ay; what says _Pluck_?

_Miss._ Well, my Elbow itches; I shall change Bed-fellows.

_Lady Smart._ And my Right Hand itches; I shall receive Money.

_Lady Answ._ And my Right Eye itches; I shall cry.

_Lady Smart._ Miss, I hear your Friend Mistress _Giddy_ has discarded _Dick Shuttle_: Pray, has she got another Lover?

_Miss._ I hear of none.

_Lady Smart._ Why, the Fellow’s rich; and I think she was a Fool to throw out her dirty Water before she got clean.

_Lady Answ._ Miss, that’s a very handsome Gown of yours, and finely made; very genteel.

_Miss._ I’m glad your Ladyship likes it.

_Lady Answ._ Your Lover will be in Raptures; it becomes you admirably.

_Miss._ Ay; I assure you I won’t take it as I have done; if this won’t fetch him, the Devil fetch him, say I.

_Lady Smart_ [_to Lady Answ._] Pray, Madam, when did you see Sir _Peter Muckworm_?

_Lady Answ._ Not this Fortnight; I hear, he’s laid up with the Gout.

_Lady Smart._ What does he do for it?

_Lady Answ._ Why I hear he’s weary of doctoring it, and now makes Use of nothing but Patience and Flannel.

_Miss._ Pray, how does He and my Lady agree?

_Lady Answ._ You know, he loves her as the Devil loves Holy Water.

_Miss._ They say, she plays deep with Sharpers, that cheat her of her Money.

_Lady Answ._ Upon my Word, they must rise early that would cheat her of her Money; Sharp’s the Word with her; Diamonds cut Diamonds.

_Miss._ Well, but I was assur’d from a good Hand that she lost at one Sitting to the Tune of a hundred Guineas; make Money of that.

_Lady Smart._ Well, but do you hear, that Mrs. _Plump_ is brought to Bed at last?

_Miss._ And, pray, what has God sent her?

_Lady Smart._ Why, guess, if you can.

_Miss._ A Boy, I suppose.

_Lady Smart._ No, you are out; guess again.

_Miss._ A Girl then.

_Lady Smart._ You have hit it; I believe you are a Witch.

_Miss._ O Madam; the Gentlemen say, all fine Ladies are Witches; but I pretend to no such thing.

_Lady Answ._ Well, she had good Luck to draw _Tom Plump_ into Wedlock; she ris’ with her —— upwards.

_Miss._ Fie, Madam! what do you mean?

_Lady Smart._ O Miss; ’tis nothing what we say among ourselves.

_Miss._ Ay, Madam; but they say, Hedges have Eyes, and Walls have Ears.

_Lady Answ._ Well, Miss, I can’t help it; you know, I am old Tell-Truth; I love to call a Spade a Spade.

_Lady Smart_ [_mistakes the Tea-tongs for the Spoon._] What! I think my Wits are a Wool-gathering To-day.

_Miss._ Why, Madam, there was but a Right and a Wrong.

_Lady Smart._ Miss, I hear, that You and Lady _Coupler_ are as great as Cup and Can.

_Lady Answ._ Ay, Miss; as great as the Devil and the Earl of _Kent_.

_Lady Smart._ Nay, I am told, you meet together with as much Love, as there is between the old Cow and the Hay-stack.

_Miss._ I own, I love her very well; but there’s Difference betwixt staring and stark mad.

_Lady Smart._ They say, she begins to grow fat.

_Miss._ Fat! ay, fat as a Hen in the Forehead.

_Lady Smart._ Indeed, Lady _Answerall_, (pray, forgive me) I think, your Ladyship looks thinner than when I saw you last.

_Miss._ Indeed, Madam, I think not; but your Ladyship is one of _Job_’s Comforters.

_Lady Answ._ Well, no matter how I look; I am bought and sold: but really, Miss, you are so very obliging, that I wish I were a handsome young Lord for your Sake.

_Miss._ O Madam, your Love’s a Million.

_Lady Smart_ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam, will your Ladyship let me wait on you to the Play To-morrow?

_Lady Answ._ Madam, it becomes me to wait on your Ladyship.

_Miss._ What, then, I’m turn’d out for a Wrangler.

[_The Gentlemen come in to the Ladies to drink Tea._

_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, we wanted you sadly; you are always out of the Way when you should be hang’d.

_Neverout._ You wanted me! Pray, Miss, how do you look when you lye?

_Miss._ Better than you when you cry. Manners indeed! I find, you mend like sour Ale in Summer.

_Neverout._ I beg your Pardon, Miss; I only meant, when you lie alone.

_Miss._ That’s well turn’d; one Turn more would have turn’d you down Stairs.

_Neverout._ Come, Miss; be kind for once, and order me a Dish of Coffee.

_Miss._ Pray, go yourself; let us wear out the oldest first: Besides, I can’t go, for I have a Bone in my Leg.

_Col._ They say, a Woman need but look on her Apron-string to find an Excuse.

_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you are grown so peevish, a Dog would not live with you.

_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, I beg your Diversion; no Offence, I hope: but truly in a little time you intend to make the Colonel as bad as yourself; and that’s as bad as bad can.

_Neverout._ My Lord, don’t you think Miss improves wonderfully of late? Why, Miss, if I spoil the Colonel, I hope you will use him as you do me; for, you know, love me, love my Dog.

_Col._ How’s that, _Tom_? Say that again: Why, if I am a Dog, shake Hands, Brother.

[_Here a great, loud, long Laugh._

_Ld. Smart._ But, pray, Gentlemen, why always so severe upon poor Miss? On my Conscience, Colonel and _Tom Neverout_, one of you two are both Knaves.

_Col._ My Lady _Answerall_, I intend to do myself the Honour of dining with your Ladyship To-morrow.

_Lady Answ._ Ay, Colonel; do if you can.

_Miss._ I’m sure you’ll be glad to be welcome.

_Col._ Miss, I thank you; and, to reward You, I’ll come and drink Tea with you in the Morning.

_Miss._ Colonel, there’s Two Words to that Bargain.

_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] Your Ladyship has a very fine Watch; well may you wear it.

_Lady Smart._ It is none of mine, Colonel.

_Col._ Pray, whose is it then?