Part 6

_Lady Smart._ Perfectly well, my Lord; she’s nice by Name, and nice by Nature.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Is it possible, she could take that Booby _Tom Blunder_ for Love?

_Miss._ She had good Skill in Horse-flesh, that could chuse a Goose to ride on.

_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, ’twas her Fate; they say, Marriage and Hanging go by Destiny.

_Col._ I believe she’ll never be burnt for a Witch.

_Ld. Sparkish._ They say, Marriages are made in Heaven; but I doubt, when she was married, she had no Friend there.

_Neverout._ Well, she’s got out of God’s Blessing into the warm Sun.

_Col._ The Fellow’s well enough, if he had any Guts in his Brains.

_Lady Smart._ They say, thereby hangs a Tale.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, he’s a mere Hobbledehoy, neither a Man nor a Boy.

_Miss._ Well, if I were to chuse a Husband, I would never be married to a little Man.

_Neverout._ Pray, why so, Miss? for they say, of all Evils we ought to chuse the least.

_Miss._ Because Folks would say, when they saw us together, There goes the Woman and her Husband.

_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] Will your Ladyship be on the _Mall_ To-morrow Night?

_Lady Smart._ No, that won’t be proper; you know, To-morrow’s _Sunday_?

_Ld. Sparkish._ What then, Madam! they say, the better Day, the better Deed.

_Lady Answ._ Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, how do you like Lady _Fruzz_?

_Neverout._ Pox on her! she’s as old as _Poles_.

_Miss._ So will you be, if you ben’t hang’d when you’re young.

_Neverout._ Come, Miss, let us be Friends: Will you go to the Park this Evening?

_Miss._ With all my Heart, and a Piece of my Liver; but not with you.

_Lady Smart._ I’ll tell you one thing, and that’s not two; I’m afraid I shall get a Fit of the Headach To-day.

_Col._ Oh! Madam, don’t be afraid, it comes with a Fright.

_Miss._ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam; one of your Ladyship’s Lappets is longer than t’other.

_Lady Answ._ Well, no Matter; they that ride on a trotting Horse will ne’er perceive it.

_Neverout._ Indeed, Miss, your Lappets hang worse.

_Miss._ Well, I love a Lyar in my Heart, and you fit me to a Hair.

[——Miss _rises up_.——

_Neverout._ Duce take you, Miss! you trod on my Foot: I hope you don’t intend to come to my Bedside.

_Miss._ In Troth, you are afraid of your Friends, and none of them near you.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well said, Girl! [_giving her a Chuck._] Take that; they say, a Chuck under the Chin is worth Two Kisses.

_Lady Answ._ But, Mr. _Neverout_, I wonder why such a handsome, strait, young Gentleman as you, do not get some rich Widow.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Strait! Ay, strait as my Leg, and that’s crooked at Knee.

_Neverout._ Faith, Madam, if it rain’d rich Widows, none of them would fall upon me. Egad, I was born under a Threepenny Planet, never to be worth a Groat.

_Lady Answ._ No, Mr. _Neverout_; I believe you were born with a Cawl on your Head; you are such a Favourite among the Ladies: But what think you of Widow _Prim_? she’s immensely rich.

_Neverout._ Hang her! they say, her Father was a Baker.

_Lady Smart._ Ay; but it is not what is she? but what has she? now-a-days.

_Col._ _Tom_, faith, put on a bold Face for once, and have at the Widow. I’ll speak a good Word for you to her.

_Lady Answ._ Ay; I warrant, you’ll speak one Word for him, and two for yourself.

_Miss._ Well; I had that at my Tongue’s End.

_Lady Answ._ Why, Miss, they say, good Wits jump.

_Neverout._ Faith, Madam, I had rather marry a Woman I lov’d, in her Smock, than Widow _Prim_, if she had her Weight in Gold.

_Lady Smart._ Come, come, Mr. _Neverout_; Marriage is honourable, but Housekeeping is a Shrew.

_Lady Answ._ Consider, Mr. _Neverout_, Four bare Legs in a Bed; and you are a younger Brother.

_Col._ Well, Madam; the younger Brother is the better Gentleman: However, _Tom_, I would advise you to look before you leap.

_Ld. Sparkish._ The Colonel says true: Besides, you can’t expect to wive and thrive in the same Year.

_Miss._ [_shuddering._] Lord! there’s somebody walking over my Grave.

_Col._ Pray, Lady _Answerall_, where was you last _Wednesday_, when I did myself the Honour to wait on you? I think, your Ladyship is one of the Tribe of _Gad_.

_Lady Answ._ Why, Colonel, I was at Church.

_Col._ Nay, then will I be hang’d, and my Horse too.

_Neverout._ I believe her Ladyship was at a Church with a Chimney in it.

_Miss._ Lord, my Petticoat! how it hangs by Jommetry.

_Neverout._ Perhaps the Fault may be in your Shape.

_Miss._ [_looking gravely._] Come, Mr. _Neverout_, there’s no Jest like the true Jest; but, I suppose, you think my Back’s broad enough to bear every Thing.

_Neverout._ Madam, I humbly beg your Pardon.

_Miss._ Well, Sir, your Pardon’s granted.

_Neverout._ Well, all Things have an End, and a Pudden has two, up-up-on my-my-my Word. [_stutters._]

_Miss._ What! Mr. _Neverout_, can’t you speak without a Spoon?

_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Smart._] Has your Ladyship seen the Duchess since your falling out?

_Lady Smart._ Never, my Lord, but once at a Visit; and she look’d at me, as the Devil look’d over _Lincoln_.

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, take a Pinch of my Snuff.

_Miss._ What! you break my Head, and give me a Plaister; well, with all my Heart; once, and not use it.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss; if you wanted me and your Victuals, you’d want your Two best Friends.

_Col._ [_to Neverout._] _Tom_, Miss and you must kiss, and be Friends.

[Neverout _salutes_ Miss.

_Miss._ Any thing for a quiet Life: my Nose itch’d, and I knew I should drink Wine, or kiss a Fool.

_Col._ Well, _Tom_, if that ben’t fair, hang fair.

_Neverout._ I never said a rude Thing to a Lady in my Life.

_Miss._ Here’s a Pin for that Lye; I’m sure Lyars had need of good Memories. Pray, Colonel, was not he very uncivil to me but just now?

_Lady Answ._ Mr. _Neverout_, if Miss will be angry for nothing, take my Council, and bid her turn the Buckle of her Girdle behind her.

_Neverout._ Come, Lady _Answerall_, I know better Things; Miss and I are good Friends; don’t put Tricks upon Travellers.

_Col._ _Tom_, not a Word of the Pudden, I beg you.

_Lady Smart._ Ah, Colonel! you’ll never be good, nor then neither.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Which of the Goods d’ye mean? good for something, or good for nothing?

_Miss._ I have a Blister on my Tongue; yet, I don’t remember, I told a Lye.

_Lady Answ._ I thought you did just now.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, what did Thought do?

_Lady Answ._ Well, for my Life, I cannot conceive what your Lordship means.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Indeed, Madam, I meant no Harm.

_Lady Smart._ No, to be sure, my Lord! you are as innocent as a Devil of Two Years old.

_Neverout._ Madam, they say, ill Doers are ill Deemers: but I don’t apply it to your Ladyship.

[Miss _mending a Hole in her Lace_.

_Miss._ Well, you see, I’m mending; I hope I shall be good in time; look, Lady _Answerall_, is not it well mended?

_Lady Answ._ Ay, this is something like a Tansy.

_Neverout._ Faith, Miss, you have mended it, as a Tinker mends a Kettle; stop one Hole, and make two.

_Lady Smart._ Pray, Colonel, are not you very much tann’d?

_Col._ Yes, Madam; but a Cup of _Christmas_ Ale will soon wash it off.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Lady _Smart_, does not your Ladyship think, Mrs. _Fade_ is mightily alter’d since her Marriage?

_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, she was handsome in her Time; but she cannot eat her Cake, and have her Cake: I hear she’s grown a mere Otomy.

_Lady Smart._ Poor Creature! the Black has set his Foot upon her already.

_Miss._ Ay! she has quite lost the Blue on the Plumb.

_Lady Smart._ And yet, they say, her Husband is very fond of her still.

_Lady Answ._ Oh! Madam; if she would eat Gold, he would give it her.

_Neverout._ [_to Lady Smart._] Madam, have you heard, that Lady _Queasy_ was lately at the Playhouse _incog._?

_Lady Smart._ What! Lady _Queasy_ of all Women in the World! Do you say it upon Rep?

_Neverout._ Poz, I saw her with my own Eyes; she sat among the Mob in the Gallery; her own ugly Fiz: And she saw me look at her.

_Col._ Her Ladyship was plaguily bamb’d; I warrant, it put her into the Hipps.

_Neverout._ I smoked her huge Nose, and egad she put me in mind of the Woodcock, that strives to hide his long Bill, and then thinks nobody sees him.

_Col._ _Tom_, I advise you hold your Tongue; for you’ll never say so good a Thing again.

_Lady Smart._ Miss, what are you looking for?

_Miss._ Oh! Madam; I have lost the finest Needle——

_Lady Answ._ Why, seek till you find it, and then you won’t lose your Labour.

_Neverout._ The Loop of my Hat is broke; how shall I mend it? [_he fastens it with a Pin._] Well, hang them, say I, that has no Shift.

_Miss._ Ay, and hang him, that has one too many.

_Neverout._ Oh! Miss; I have heard a sad Story of you.

_Miss._ I defy you, Mr. _Neverout_; nobody can say, Black’s my Eye.

_Neverout._ I believe, you wish they could.

_Miss._ Well; but who was your Author? Come, tell Truth, and shame the Devil.

_Neverout._ Come then, Miss; guess who it was that told me; come, put on your Considering-cap.

_Miss._ Well, who was it?

_Neverout._ Why, one that lives within a Mile of an Oak.

_Miss._ Well, go hang yourself in your own Garters; for I’m sure, the Gallows groans for you.

_Neverout._ Pretty Miss! I was but in Jest.

_Miss._ Well, but don’t let that stick in your Gizzard.

_Col._ My Lord, does your Lordship know Mrs. _Talkall_?

_Ld. Smart._ Only by Sight; but I hear she has a great deal of Wit; and egad, as the Saying is, Mettle to the Back.

_Lady Smart._ So I hear.

_Col._ Why _Dick Lubber_ said to her t’other Day, Madam, you can’t cry Bo to a Goose: Yes, but I can, said she; and, egad, cry’d Bo full in his Face: We all thought we should break our Hearts with laughing.

_Ld. Sparkish._ That was cutting with a Vengeance: and pr’ythee how did the Fool look?

_Col._ Look? Egad he look’d for all the World like an Owl in an Ivy Bush.

[_A Child comes in screaming._

_Miss._ Well, if that Child was mine, I’d whip it till the Blood came; Peace, you little Vixen! if I were near you, I would not be far from you.

_Lady Smart._ Ay, ay; Batchelors Wives and Maids Children are finely tutor’d.

_Lady Answ._ Come to me, Master; and I’ll give you a Sugar-Plumb. Why, Miss, you forgot that ever you was a Child yourself. [_She gives the Child a Lump of Sugar._] I have heard ’em say, Boys will long.

_Col._ My Lord, I suppose you know, that Mr. _Buzzard_ has married again?

_Lady Smart._ This is his Fourth Wife; then he has been shod round.

_Col._ Why, you must know, she had a Month’s Mind to _Dick Frontless_, and thought to run away with him; but her Parents forc’d her to take the old Fellow for a good Settlement.

_Ld. Sparkish._ So the Man got his Mare again.

_Ld. Smart._ I’m told he said a very good thing to _Dick_; said he, You think us old Fellows are Fools; but we old Fellows know young Fellows are Fools.

_Col._ I know nothing of that; but I know, he’s devilish old, and she’s very young.

_Lady Answ._ Why, they call that a Match of the World’s making.

_Miss._ What if he had been young, and she old?

_Neverout._ Why, Miss, that would have been a Match of the Devil’s making; but when both are young, that’s a Match of God’s making.

[Miss _searching her Pockets for her Thimble, brings out a Nutmeg_.

_Neverout._ Oh! Miss, have a Care; for if you carry a Nutmeg in your Pocket, you’ll certainly be marry’d to an old Man.

_Miss._ Well, and if ever I be marry’d, it shall be to an old Man; they always make the best Husbands; and it is better to be an old Man’s Darling than a young Man’s Warling.

_Neverout._ Faith, Miss, if you speak as you think, I’ll give you my Mother for a Maid.

[_Lady_ Smart _rings the Bell_. Footman _comes in_.

_Lady Smart._ Harkee, you Fellow; run to my Lady _Match_, and desire she will remember to be here at Six, to play at Quadrille: D’ye hear, if you fall by the Way, don’t stay to get up again.

_Footman._ Madam, I don’t know the House.

_Lady Smart._ Well, that’s not for Want of Ignorance; follow your Nose; go, enquire among the Servants.

[Footman _goes out, and leaves the Door open_.

_Lady Smart._ Here, come back, you Fellow; why did you leave the Door open? Remember, that a good Servant must always come when he’s call’d, do what he’s bid, and shut the Door after him.

[_The_ Footman _goes out again, and falls down Stairs_.

_Lady Answ._ Neck or nothing; come down, or I’ll fetch you down: Well, but I hope, the poor Fellow has not sav’d the Hangman a Labour.

_Neverout._ Pray, Madam, smoke Miss yonder biting her Lips, and playing with her Fan.

_Miss._ Who’s that takes my Name in vain?

[_She runs up to them, and falls down._

_Lady Smart._ What, more falling! do you intend the Frolick should go round?

_Lady Answ._ Why, Miss, I wish you may not have broke her Ladyship’s Floor.

_Neverout._ Miss, come to me, and I’ll take you up.

_Lady Sparkish._ Well, but without a Jest, I hope, Miss, you are not hurt.

_Col._ Nay, she must be hurt for certain; for you see, her Head is all of a Lump.

_Miss._ Well, remember this, Colonel, when I have Money, and you have none.

_Lady Smart._ But, Colonel, when do you design to get a House, and a Wife, and a Fire to put her in?

_Miss._ Lord! who would be marry’d to a Soldier, and carry his Knapsack?

_Neverout._ Oh! Madam: _Mars_ and _Venus_, you know.

_Col._ Egad, Madam, I’d marry To-morrow, if I thought I could bury my Wife just when the Honey-Moon is over; but they say, A Woman has as many Lives as a Cat.

_Lady Answ._ I find, the Colonel thinks, a dead Wife under the Table is the best Goods in a Man’s House.

_Lady Smart._ O but, Colonel, if you had a good Wife, it would break your Heart to part with her.

_Col._ Yes, Madam; for they say, he that has lost his Wife and Sixpence, has lost a Tester.

_Lady Smart._ But, Colonel, they say, that every marry’d Man should believe there’s but one good Wife in the World, and that’s his own.

_Col._ For all that, I doubt, a good Wife must be bespoke, for there is none ready made.

_Miss._ I suppose, the Gentleman’s a Woman-Hater; but, Sir, I think, you ought to remember, that you had a Mother: And pray, if it had not been for a Woman, where would you have been, Colonel?

_Col._ Nay, Miss, you cry’d W——e first, when you talk’d of the Knapsack.

_Lady Answ._ But I hope you won’t blame the whole Sex, because some are bad.

_Neverout._ And they say, he that hates Woman, suck’d a Sow.

_Col._ Oh! Madam; there’s no general Rule without an Exception.

_Lady Smart._ Then, why don’t you marry, and settle?

_Col._ Egad, Madam, there’s nothing will settle me but a Bullet.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, Colonel, there’s one Comfort, that you need not fear a Cannon-Bullet.

_Col._ Why so, my Lord?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Because they say, he was curs’d in his Mother’s Belly, that was kill’d by a Cannon-Bullet.

_Miss._ I suppose, the Colonel was cross’d in his first Love, which makes him so severe on all the Sex.

_Lady Answ._ Yes; and I’ll hold a hundred to one, that the Colonel has been over Head and Ears in Love with some Lady, that has made his Heart ake.

_Col._ Oh! Madam, We Soldiers are Admirers of all the fair Sex.

_Miss._ I wish, I could see the Colonel in Love, till he was ready to die.

_Lady Smart._ Ay; but I doubt, few People die for Love in these days.

_Neverout._ Well, I confess, I differ from the Colonel; for I hope to have a rich and a handsome Wife yet before I die.

_Col._ Ay, _Tom_; live Horse, and thou shalt have Grass.

_Miss._ Well, Colonel; but whatever you say against Women, they are better Creatures than Men; for Men were made of Clay, but Woman was made of Man.

_Col._ Miss, you may say what you please; but, faith, you’ll never lead Apes in Hell.

_Neverout._ No, no; I’ll be sworn Miss has not an Inch of Nun’s Flesh about her.

_Miss._ I understumble you, Gentlemen.

_Neverout._ Madam, your humble-cum-dumble.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Miss, when did you see your old Acquaintance Mrs. _Cloudy_? You and She are Two, I hear.

_Miss._ See her! marry, I don’t care whether I ever see her again, God bless my Eye-sight.

_Lady Answ._ Lord! why she and you were as great as two Inkle-weavers. I’ve seen her hug you, as the Devil hug’d the Witch.

_Miss._ That’s true; but I’m told for certain, she’s no better than she should be.

_Lady Smart._ Well, God mend us all; but you must allow, the World is very censorious: I never heard that she was a naughty Pack.

_Col._ [_to Neverout._] Come, Sir _Thomas_, when the King pleases; when do you intend to march?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Have Patience. _Tom_, is your Friend _Ned Rattle_ marry’d?

_Neverout._ Yes, faith, my Lord; he has tied a Knot with his Tongue, that he can never untie with his Teeth.

_Lady Smart._ Ay; marry in Haste, and repent at Leisure.

_Lady Answ._ Has he got a good Fortune with his Lady? for they say, Something has some Savour, but Nothing has no Flavour.

_Neverout._ Faith, Madam, all he gets by her, he may put into his Eye, and see never the worse.

_Miss._ Then, I believe, he heartily wishes her in _Abraham_’s Bosom.

_Col._ Pray, my Lord, how does _Charles Limber_ and his fine Wife agree?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, they say, he’s the greatest Cuckold in Town.

_Neverout._ Oh! but my Lord, you should always except my Lord-Mayor.

_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_!

_Neverout._ Hay, Madam, did you call me?

_Miss._ Hay; why, Hay is for Horses.

_Neverout._ Why, Miss, then you may kiss——

_Col._ Pray, my Lord, what’s a Clock by your Oracle?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Faith, I can’t tell, I think my Watch runs upon Wheels.

_Neverout._ Miss, pray be so kind to call a Servant to bring me a Glass of Small Beer: I know you are at Home here.

_Miss._ Every Fool can do as they’re bid: Make a Page of your own Age, and do it yourself.

_Neverout._ Chuse, proud Fool; I did but ask you.

[Miss _puts her Hand to her Knee_.

_Neverout._ What! Miss, are you thinking of your Sweet-Heart? is your Garter slipping down?

_Miss._ Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, keep your Breath to cool your Porridge; you measure my Corn by your Bushel.

_Neverout._ Indeed, Miss, you lye.——

_Miss._ Did you ever hear any thing so rude?

_Neverout._ I mean, you lye——under a Mistake.

_Miss._ If a thousand Lyes could choak you, you would have been choaked many a Day ago.

[Miss _tries to snatch_ Neverout’_s Snuff-box_.

_Neverout._ Madam, you miss’d that, as you miss’d your Mother’s Blessing.

[_She tries again, and misses._

_Neverout._ Snap short makes you look so lean, Miss.

_Miss._ Poh! you are so robustious, you had like to put out my Eye: I assure you, if you blind me, you must lead me.

_Lady Smart._ Dear Miss, be quiet; and bring me a Pin-cushion out of that Closet.

[Miss _opens the Closet Door, and squalls_.

_Lady Smart._ Lord bless the Girl! what’s the Matter now?

_Miss._ I vow, Madam, I saw something in black, I thought it was a Spirit.

_Col._ Why, Miss, did you ever see a Spirit?

_Miss._ No, Sir; I thank God, I never saw any thing worse than myself.

_Neverout._ Well, I did a very foolish thing yesterday, and was a great Puppy for my Pains.

_Miss._ Very likely; for, they say, many a true Word’s spoke in Jest.

[Footman _returns_.

_Lady Smart._ Well, did you deliver your Message? You are fit to be sent for Sorrow, you stay so long by the Way.

_Footman._ Madam, my Lady was not at Home, so I did not leave the Message.

_Lady Smart._ This is it to send a Fool of an Errand.

_Ld. Sparkish._ [_looking at his Watch._] ’Tis past Twelve a Clock.

_Lady Smart._ Well, what is that among all us?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, I must take my Leave: Come, Gentlemen, are you for a March?

_Lady Smart._ Well, but your Lordship and the Colonel will dine with us To-day; and, Mr. _Neverout_, I hope, we shall have your good Company: There will be no Soul else, besides my own Lord and these Ladies; for every body knows, I hate a Croud; I would rather want Vittles than Elbow-Room: We dine punctually at Three.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, we’ll be sure to attend your Ladyship.

_Col._ Madam, my Stomach serves me instead of a Clock.

[_Another_ Footman _comes back_.

_Lady Smart._ Oh! you are the t’other Fellow I sent: Well, have you been with my Lady _Club_? You are good to send of a dead Man’s Errand.

_Footman._ Madam, my Lady _Club_ begs your Ladyship’s Pardon; but she is engaged To-night.

_Miss._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, here’s the Back of my Hand to you.

_Neverout._ Miss, I find, you will have the last Word. Ladies, I am more yours than my own.

POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.

DIALOGUE II.

_Lord_ Smart _and the former Company at Three a Clock coming to dine_.

[_After Salutations._

_Lord Smart._ I’m sorry I was not at Home this Morning when you all did us the Honour to call here: But I went to the Levee To-day.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Oh! my Lord; I’m sure the Loss was ours.

_Lady Smart._ Gentlemen and Ladies, you are come to a sad dirty House; I am sorry for it, but we have had our Hands in Mortar.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Oh! Madam; your Ladyship is pleas’d to say so, but I never saw any thing so clean and so fine; I profess, it is a perfect Paradise.

_Lady Smart._ My Lord, your Lordship is always very obliging.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, whose Picture is that?

_Lady Smart._ Why, my Lord, it was drawn for me.

_Ld. Sparkish._ I’ll swear, the Painter did not flatter your Ladyship.

_Col._ My Lord, the Day is finely clear’d up.

_Ld. Smart._ Ay, Colonel; ’tis a pity that fair Weather should ever do any Harm. [_To Neverout._] Why, _Tom_, you are high in the Mode.

_Neverout._ My Lord, it is better be out of the World, than out of the Fashion.

_Ld. Smart._ But, _Tom_, I hear, You and Miss are always quarrelling; I fear, it is your Fault; for I can assure you, she is very good-humour’d.

_Neverout._ Ay, my Lord; so is the Devil when he’s pleas’d.

_Ld. Smart._ Miss, what do you think of my Friend _Tom_?

_Miss._ My Lord, I think, he’s not the wisest Man in the World; and truly, he’s sometimes very rude.

_Ld. Sparkish._ That may be true; but, yet, he that hangs _Tom_ for a Fool, may find a Knave in the Halter.

_Miss._ Well, however, I wish he were hang’d, if it were only to try.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss, if I must be hang’d, I won’t go far to chuse my Gallows; it shall be about your fair Neck.

_Miss._ I’ll see your Nose Cheese first, and the Dogs eating it: But, my Lord, Mr. _Neverout_’s Wit begins to run low, for I vow, he said this before: Pray, Colonel, give him a Pinch, and I’ll do as much for you.

_Ld. Sparkish._ My Lady _Smart_, your Ladyship has a very fine Scarf.

_Lady Smart._ Yes, my Lord; it will make a flaming Figure in a Country Church.

[Footman _comes in_.

_Footman._ Madam, Dinner’s upon the Table.

_Col._ Faith, I’m glad of it; my Belly began to cry Cupboard.

_Neverout._ I wish I may never hear worse News.

_Miss._ What! Mr. _Neverout_, you are in great Haste; I believe, your Belly thinks your Throat’s cut.

_Neverout._ No, faith, Miss; Three Meals a Day, and a good Supper at Night, will serve my Turn.

_Miss._ To say the Truth, I’m hungry.

_Neverout._ And I’m angry, so let us both go fight.

[_They go in to Dinner, and after the usual Compliments, take their Seats._

_Lady Smart._ Ladies and Gentlemen, will you eat any Oysters before Dinner?

_Col._ With all my Heart. [_Takes an Oyster._] He was a bold Man, that first eat an Oyster.

_Lady Smart._ They say, Oysters are a cruel Meat, because we eat them alive: Then they are an uncharitable Meat, for we leave nothing to the Poor; and they are an ungodly Meat, because we never say Grace.

_Neverout._ Faith, that’s as well said, as if I had said it myself.

_Lady Smart._ Well, we are well set, if we be but as well serv’d: Come, Colonel, handle your Arms; shall I help you to some Beef?

_Col._ If your Ladyship please; and, pray, don’t cut like a Mother-in-Law, but send me a large Slice; for I love to lay a good Foundation. I vow, ’tis a noble Sirloyn.

_Neverout._ Ay; here’s cut, and come again.

_Miss._ But, pray, why is it call’d a Sirloyn?