Part 4

And yet, so incurable is the Love of Detraction, perhaps beyond what the charitable Reader will easily believe, that I have been assured by more than one credible Person, how some of my Enemies have industriously whispered about, that one ISAAC NEWTON, an Instrument-maker, formerly living near _Leicester-Fields_, and afterwards a Workman at the Mint in the _Tower_, might possibly pretend to vye with me for Fame in future times. The Man it seems was knighted for making Sun-Dials better than others of his Trade, and was thought to be a Conjurer, because he knew how to draw Lines and Circles upon a Slate, which no body could understand. But, adieu to all noble Attempts for endless Renown, if the Ghost of an obscure Mechanick shall be raised up to enter into competition with me, only for his Skill in making Pot-hooks and Hangers with a Pencil, which many thousand accomplished Gentlemen and Ladies can perform as well with a Pen and Ink upon a Piece of Paper, and, in a manner, as little intelligible as those of Sir ISAAC.

My most ingenious Friend already mentioned, Mr. COLLY CIBBER, who does too much Honour to the Laurel Crown he deservedly wears (as he hath often done to many Imperial Diadems placed on his Head) was pleased to tell me, that, if my Treatise were formed into a Comedy, the Representation, performed to Advantage on our Theatre might very much contribute to the Spreading of polite Conversation among all Persons of Distinction through the whole Kingdom.

I own, the Thought was ingenious, and my Friend’s Intention good. But, I cannot agree to his Proposal: For, Mr. CIBBER himself allowed, that the Subjects handled in my Work, being so numerous and extensive, it would be absolutely impossible for one, two, or even six Comedies to contain them. From whence it will follow, that many admirable and essential Rules for polite Conversation must be omitted.

And here let me do justice to my Friend Mr. TIBALDS, who plainly confessed before Mr. CIBBER himself, that such a Project, as it would be a great Diminution to my Honour, so it would intolerably mangle my Scheme, and thereby destroy the principal End at which I aimed, to form a compleat Body or System of this most useful Science in all its Parts. And therefore Mr. TIBBALDS, whose Judgment was never disputed, chose rather to fall in with my Proposal mentioned before, of erecting publick Schools and Seminaries all over the Kingdom, to instruct the young People of both Sexes in this Art, according to my Rules, and in the Method that I have laid down.

I shall conclude this long, but necessary Introduction, with a Request, or indeed rather, a just and reasonable Demand from all Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen, that while they are entertaining and improving each other with those polite Questions, Answers, Repartees, Replies, and Rejoinders, which I have with infinite Labour, and close Application, during the Space of thirty-six Years, been collecting for their Service and Improvement, they shall, as an Instance of Gratitude, on every proper Occasion, quote my Name, after this or the like manner. _Madam, as our Master_ WAGSTAFF _says_. _My Lord, as our Friend_ WAGSTAFF _has it_. I do likewise expect, that all my Pupils shall drink my Health every Day at Dinner and Supper during my Life; and that they, or their Posterity, shall continue the same Ceremony to my _not inglorious Memory_, after my Decease, for ever.

[2] This Word is spelt by _Latinists_, _Encyclopædia_; but the judicious Author wisely prefers the Polite Reading before the Pedantick.

POLITE CONVERSATION.

IN THREE DIALOGUES.

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

The MEN.

_Lord_ SPARKISH, _Lord_ SMART, _Sir_ JOHN LINGER, _Mr._ NEVEROUT, _Colonel_ ATWIT.

The LADIES.

_Lady_ SMART, _Miss_ NOTABLE, _Lady_ ANSWERALL.

POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.

ST. JAMES’S PARK.

_Lord_ Sparkish _meeting Col._ Atwit.

_Col._ Well met, my Lord.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Thank ye, Colonel. A Parson would have said, I hope we shall meet in Heaven. When did you see _Tom Neverout_?

_Col._ He’s just coming towards us. Talk of the Devil——

[Neverout _comes up_.

_Col._ How do you do, _Tom_?

_Neverout._ Never the better for you.

_Col._ I hope, you’re never the worse. But where’s your Manners? Don’t you see my Lord _Sparkish_?

_Neverout._ My Lord, I beg your Lordship’s Pardon.

_Ld. Sparkish._ _Tom_, how is it, that you can’t see the Wood for Trees? What Wind blew you hither?

_Neverout._ Why, my Lord, it is an ill Wind blows nobody good; for it gives me the Honour of seeing your Lordship.

_Col._ _Tom_, you must go with us to Lady _Smart_’s to Breakfast.

_Neverout._ Must? Why, Colonel, Must’s for the King.

[_Col. offering in Jest to draw his Sword._

_Col._ Have you spoke with all your Friends?

_Neverout._ Colonel, as you’re stout, be merciful.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, agree, agree; the Law’s costly.

[_Col. taking his Hand from the Hilt._

_Col._ Well, _Tom_, you are never the worse Man to be afraid of me. Come along.

_Neverout._ What, do you think, I was born in a Wood, to be afraid of an Owl?

I’ll wait on you. I hope Miss _Notable_ will be there; egad she’s very handsome, and has Wit at Will.

_Col._ Why every one as they like; as the good Woman said, when she kiss’d her Cow.

[_Lord_ Smart’_s House; they knock at the Door; the_ Porter _comes out_.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, are you the Porter?

_Porter._ Yes, for Want of a better.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Is your Lady at Home?

_Porter._ She was at Home just now; but she’s not gone out yet.

_Neverout._ I warrant, this Rogue’s Tongue is well hung.

[_Lady_ Smart’_s Antichamber_.

_Lady_ Smart _and Lady_ Answerall _at the Tea-table_.

_Lady Smart._ My Lord, your Lordship’s most humble Servant.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, you spoke too late; I was your Ladyship’s before.

_Lady Smart._ Oh! Colonel, are you here!

_Col._ As sure as you’re there, Madam.

_Lady Smart._ Oh, Mr. _Neverout_! what, such a Man alive!

_Neverout._ Ay, Madam; alive, and alive like to be, at your Ladyship’s Service.

_Lady Smart._ Well: I’ll get a Knife, and nick it down, that Mr. _Neverout_ came to our House. And pray, What News Mr. _Neverout_?

_Neverout._ Why, Madam, Queen _Elizabeth_’s dead.

_Lady Smart._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, I see you are no Changeling.

[_Miss_ Notable _comes in_.

_Neverout._ Miss, your Slave: I hope your early Rising will do you no Harm. I hear you are but just come out of the Cloth-Market.

_Miss._ I always rise at Eleven, whether it be Day or no.

_Col._ Miss, I hope you are up for all Day?

_Miss._ Yes, if I don’t get a Fall before Night.

_Col._ Miss, I heard you were out of Order; pray, how are you now?

_Miss._ Pretty well, Colonel, I thank you.

_Col._ Pretty and well, Miss! that’s Two very good things.

_Miss._ I mean, I am better than I was.

_Neverout._ Why then, ’tis well you were sick.

_Miss._ What, Mr. _Neverout_; you take me up, before I’m down.

_Lady Smart._ Come, let us leave off Children’s Play, and come to Push-pin.

_Miss_ [_to Lady Smart._] Pray, Madam, give me some more Sugar to my Tea.

_Col._ Oh! Miss, you must needs be very good-humour’d, you love sweet things so much.

_Neverout._ Stir it up with the Spoon, Miss; for the deeper the sweeter.

_Lady Smart._ I assure you, Miss, the Colonel has made you a great Compliment.

_Miss._ I am sorry for it; for I have heard say, that complimenting is lying.

_Lady Smart_ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] My Lord, methinks the Sight of you is good for sore Eyes; if we had known of your Coming, we would have strown Rushes for you: How has your Lordship done this long time?

_Col._ Faith, Madam, he’s better in Health, than in good Conditions.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; I see there’s no worse Friend than one brings from Home with one; and I am not the first Man has carry’d a Rod to whip himself.

_Neverout._ Here’s Miss, has not a Word to throw at a Dog. Come; a Penny for your Thoughts.

_Miss._ It is not worth a Farthing; for I was thinking of you.

[_Col._——_rising up._——

_Lady Smart._ Colonel, Where are you going so soon? I hope you did not come to fetch Fire.

_Col._ Madam, I must needs go Home for half an Hour.

_Miss._ Why, Colonel, they say, the Devil’s at Home.

_Lady Answerall._ Well, but sit while you stay; ’tis as cheap sitting as standing.

_Col._ No, Madam; while I’m standing I’m going.

_Miss._ Nay, let him go; I promise him, we won’t tear his Cloaths to hold him.

_Lady Smart._ I suppose, Colonel, we keep you from better Company; I mean only as to myself.

_Col._ Madam, I am all Obedience.

[_Col. sits down._

_Lady Smart._ Lord, Miss, how can you drink your Tea so hot? Sure your Mouth’s pav’d.

How do you like this Tea, Colonel?

_Col._ Well enough, Madam; but methinks it is a little more-ish.

_Lady Smart._ Oh, Colonel! I understand you. _Betty_, bring the Canister: I have but very little of this Tea left; but I don’t love to make two Wants of one; want when I have it, and want when I have it not. He, he, he, he.

[_Laughs._

_Lady Answ._ [_to the Maid._] Why, sure, _Betty_, you are bewitch’d; the Cream is burnt to.

_Betty._ Why, Madam, the Bishop has set his Foot in it.

_Lady Smart._ Go, you Girl, and warm some fresh Cream.

_Betty._ Indeed, Madam, there’s none left; for the Cat has eaten it all.

_Lady Smart._ I doubt, it was a Cat with Two Legs.

_Miss._ Colonel, Don’t you love Bread and Butter with your Tea?

_Col._ Yes, in a Morning, Miss: For they say, Butter is Gold in a Morning, Silver at Noon, but it is Lead at Night.

_Neverout._ Miss, the Weather is so hot, that my Butter melts on my Bread.

_Lady Answ._ Why, Butter, I’ve heard ’em say, is mad twice a Year.

_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to the Maid._] Mrs. _Betty_, how does your Body Politick?

_Col._ Fie, my Lord; you’ll make Mrs. _Betty_ blush.

_Lady Smart._ Blush! ay, blush like a blue Dog.

_Neverout._ Pray, Mrs. _Betty_, Are not you _Tom Johnson_’s Daughter?

_Betty._ So my Mother tells me, Sir.

_Ld. Sparkish._ But, Mrs. _Betty_, I hear you are in Love.

_Betty._ My Lord, I thank God, I hate nobody; I am in Charity with all the World.

_Lady Smart._ Why, Wench, I think, thy Tongue runs upon Wheels this Morning: How came you by that Scratch on your Nose? Have you been fighting with the Cats?

_Col._ [_to Miss._] Miss, When will you be married?

_Miss._ One of these Odd-come-shortly’s, Colonel.

_Neverout._ Yes; they say, the Match is half made, the Spark is willing, but Miss is not.

_Miss._ I suppose, the Gentleman has got his own Consent for it.

_Lady Answ._ Pray, My Lord, did you walk through the Park in this Rain?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Yes, Madam; we were neither Sugar nor Salt; we were not afraid the Rain would melt us. He, he, he. [_Laugh._

_Col._ It rain’d, and the Sun shone at the same time.

_Neverout._ Why, then the Devil was beating his Wife behind the Door, with a Shoulder of Mutton. [——_Laugh._——

_Col._ A blind Man would be glad to see that.

_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, methinks you stand in your own Light.

_Neverout._ Ah! Madam, I have done so all my Life.

_Ld. Sparkish._ I’m sure he sits in mine: Prythee, _Tom_, sit a little farther: I believe your Father was no Glasier.

_Lady Smart._ Miss, dear Girl, fill me out a Dish of Tea, for I’m very lazy.

[_Miss fills a Dish of Tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it._

_Lady Smart._ What, Miss, Will you be my Taster?

_Miss._ No, Madam; but, they say, ’tis an ill Cook, that can’t lick her own Fingers.

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, fill me another.

_Miss._ Will you have it now, or stay till you get it?

_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, they say, you went to Court last Night very drunk: Nay, I’m told for certain, you had been among _Philistines_: No Wonder the Cat wink’d, when both her Eyes were out.

_Col._ Indeed, Madam, that’s a Lye.

_Lady Answ._ ’Tis better I should lye, than you should lose your good Manners: Besides, I don’t lie; I sit.

_Neverout._ O faith, Colonel, you must own you had a Drop in your Eye: When I left you, you were half Seas over.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I fear, Lady _Answerall_ can’t live long, she has so much Wit.

_Neverout._ No; she can’t live, that’s certain; but she may linger Thirty or Forty Years.

_Miss._ Live long; ay, longer than a Cat, or a Dog, or a better thing.

_Lady Answ._ Oh! Miss, you must give your Vardi too!

_Ld. Sparkish._ Miss, Shall I fill you another Dish of Tea?

_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I have drank enough.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, it will do you more good than a Month’s Fasting; here, take it.

_Miss._ No, I thank your Lordship; enough’s as good as a Feast.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; but if you always say No, you’ll never be married.

_Lady Answ._ Do, my Lord, give her a Dish; for, they say, Maids will say No, and take it.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; and I dare say, Miss is a Maid in Thought, Word, and Deed.

_Neverout._ I would not take my Oath of that.

_Miss._ Pray, Sir, speak for yourself.

_Lady Smart._ Fie, Miss; they say, Maids should be seen, and not heard.

_Lady Answ._ Good Miss, stir the Fire, that the Tea-Kettle may boil.—You have done it very well; now it burns purely. Well, Miss, you’ll have a chearful Husband.

_Miss._ Indeed, your Ladyship could have stirr’d it much better.

_Lady Answ._ I know that very well, Hussy; but I won’t keep a Dog, and bark myself.

_Neverout._ What! you are sick, Miss.

_Miss._ Not at all; for her Ladyship meant you.

_Neverout._ Oh! faith, Miss, you are in Lob’s-pound; get out as you can.

_Miss._ I won’t quarrel with my Bread and Butter for all that: I know when I’m well.

_Lady Answ._ Well; but Miss——

_Neverout._ Ah! dear Madam, let the Matter fall; take Pity on poor Miss; don’t throw Water on a drownded Rat.

_Miss._ Indeed, Mr. _Neverout_, you should be cut for the Simples this Morning: Say a Word more, and you had as good eat your Nails.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Miss, will you be so good as to favour us with a Song?

_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I can’t; for I have a great Cold.

_Col._ Oh! Miss, they say, all good Singers have Colds.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, does not Miss sing very well?

_Lady Answ._ She sings, as one may _say_, my Lord.

_Miss._ I hear, Mr. _Neverout_ has a very good Voice.

_Col._ Yes; _Tom_ sings well; but his Luck’s naught.

_Neverout._ Faith, Colonel, you hit yourself a devilish Box on the Ear.

_Col._ Miss, Will you take a Pinch of Snuff?

_Miss._ No, Colonel; you must know, I never take Snuff, but when I’m angry.

_Lady Answ._ Yes, yes, she can take Snuff; but she has never a Box to put it in.

_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, let me see that Box.

_Col._ Madam, there’s never a C upon it.

_Miss._ May be there is, Colonel.

_Col._ Ay; but May-bees don’t fly now, Miss.

_Neverout._ Colonel, why so hard upon poor Miss? Don’t set your Wit against a Child: Miss, give me a Blow, and I’ll beat him.

_Miss._ So she pray’d me to tell you.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, my Lady _Smart_, What Kin are you to Lord _Pozz_?

_Lady Smart._ Why, his Grandmother and mine had Four Elbows.

_Lady Answ._ Well, methinks here is a silent Meeting. Come, Miss, hold up your Head, Girl; there’s Money bid for you.

[—_Miss starts_—

_Miss._ Lord, Madam, you frighten me out of my Seven Senses!

_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I must be going.

_Lady Answ._ I have seen hastier People than you stay all Night.

_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] _Tom Neverout_ and I are to leap To-morrow for a Guinea.

_Miss._ I believe, Colonel, Mr. _Neverout_ can leap at a Crust better than you.

_Neverout._ Miss, your Tongue runs before your Wit; nothing can tame you but a Husband.

_Miss._ Peace! I think I hear the Church Clock.

_Neverout._ Why you know, as the Fool thinks——

_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, your Handkerchief’s fallen.

_Miss._ Let him set his Foot on it, that it mayn’t fly in his Face.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss——

_Miss._ Ay, ay; many a one says well, that thinks ill.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss; I’ll think of this.

_Miss._ That’s Rhime, if you take it in Time.

_Neverout._ What! I see you are a Poet.

_Miss._ Yes; if I had but the Wit to show it.

_Neverout._ Miss, Will you be so kind as to fill me a Dish of Tea?

_Miss._ Pray, let your Betters be serv’d before you; I am just going to fill one for myself; and, you know, the Parson always christens his own Child first.

_Neverout._ But I saw you fill one just now for the Colonel: Well, I find kissing goes by Favour.

_Miss._ But pray, Mr. _Neverout_, What Lady was that you were talking with in the Side-Box last _Tuesday_?

_Neverout._ Miss, can you keep a Secret?

_Miss._ Yes, I can.

_Neverout._ Well, Miss; and so can I.

_Col._ Odds-so! I have cut my Thumb with this cursed Knife!

_Lady Answ._ Ay; that was your Mother’s Fault, because she only warn’d you not to cut your Fingers.

_Lady Smart._ No, no;’tis only Fools cut their Fingers; but wise Folks cut their Thumbs.——

_Miss._ I’m sorry for it, but I can’t cry.

_Col._ Don’t you think Miss is grown?

_Lady Answ._ Ay; ill Weeds grow apace.

[——_A Puff of Smoke comes down the Chimney._——

_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, Does your Ladyship’s Chimney smoke?

_Col._ No, Madam; but they say, Smoke always pursues the Fair, and your Ladyship sat nearest.

_Lady Smart._ Madam, Do you love Bohea Tea?

_Lady Answ._ Why, Madam, I must confess I do love it; but it does not love me.

_Miss._ [_to Lady Smart._] Indeed, Madam, your Ladyship is very sparing of your Tea: I protest, the last I took, was no more than Water bewitch’d.

_Col._ Pray, Miss, if I may be so bold, What Lover gave you that fine Etuy?

_Miss._ Don’t you know? then keep Counsel.

_Lady Answ._ I’ll tell you, Colonel, who gave it her; it was the best Lover she will ever have while she lives; her own dear Papa.

_Neverout._ Methinks, Miss, I don’t much like the Colour of that Ribbon.

_Miss._ Why then, Mr. _Neverout_, do you see, if you don’t much like it, you may look off of it.

_Ld. Sparkish._ I don’t doubt, Madam, but your Ladyship has heard, that Sir _John Brisk_ has got an Employment at Court.

_Lady Smart._ Yes, yes; and I warrant, he thinks himself no small Fool now.

_Neverout._ Yet, Madam, I have heard some People take him for a wise Man.

_Lady Smart._ Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are other-wise.

_Lady Answ._ Do you know him, Mr. _Neverout_?

_Neverout._ Know him! ay, as well as the Beggar knows his Dish.

_Col._ Well; I can only say, that he has better Luck than honester Folks: But pray, How came he to get this Employment?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, by Chance, as the Man kill’d the Devil.

_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you are in a brown Study; What’s the Matter? Methinks you look like Mum-Chance, that was hang’d for saying nothing.

_Miss._ I’d have you to know, I scorn your Words.

_Neverout._ Well; but scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddings.

_Miss._ Well; my Comfort is, your Tongue is no Slander. What! you would not have one be always on the high Grin.

_Neverout._ Cry, Map-sticks, Madam; no Offence, I hope.

[——_Lady_ Smart _breaks a Tea-cup_.——

_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, How came you to break your Cup?

_Lady Smart._ I can’t help it, if I would cry my Eyes out.

_Miss._ Why, sell it, Madam, and buy a new one with some of the Money.

_Col._ ’Tis a Folly to cry for spilt Milk.

_Lady Smart._ Why, if Things did not break or wear out, how would Tradesmen live?

_Miss._ Well; I am very sick, if any body car’d for it.

_Neverout._ Come, then, Miss, e’en make a Die of it, and then we shall have a Burying of our own.

_Miss._ The Devil take you, _Neverout_, besides all small Curses.

_Lady Answ._ Marry, come up, What, plain _Neverout_! methinks you might have an M under your Girdle, Miss.

_Lady Smart._ Well, well, naught’s never in Danger; I warrant, Miss will spit in her Hand, and hold fast. Colonel, do you like this Bisket?

_Col._ I’m like all Fools; I love every Thing that’s good.

_Lady Smart._ Well, and isn’t it pure good?

_Col._ ’Tis better than a worse.

[——_Footman brings the Colonel a Letter._——

_Lady Answ._ I suppose, Colonel, that’s a Billet-doux from your Mistress.

_Col._ Egad, I don’t know whence it comes; but whoe’er writ it, writes a Hand like a Foot.

_Miss._ Well, you may make a Secret of it, but we can spell, and put together.

_Neverout._ Miss, What spells B double Uzzard?

_Miss._ Buzzard in your Teeth, Mr. _Neverout_.

_Lady Smart._ Now you are up, Mr. _Neverout_, Will you do me the Favour, to do me the Kindness, to take off the Tea-kettle?

_Ld. Sparkish._ I wonder what makes these Bells ring.

_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, I suppose, because they pull the Ropes.

[_Here all laugh._

[——Neverout _plays with a Tea-cup_.——

_Miss._ Now a Child would have cry’d half an Hour before it would have found out such a pretty Plaything.

_Lady Smart._ Well said, Miss: I vow, Mr. _Neverout_, the Girl is too hard for you.

_Neverout._ Ay, Miss will say any Thing but her Prayers, and those she whistles.

_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, make me a Present of that pretty Penknife?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, Miss, catch him at that, and hang him.

_Col._ Not for the World, dear Miss; it will cut Love.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Colonel, you shall be married first, I was just going to say that.

_Lady Smart._ Well, but for all that, I can tell who is a great Admirer of Miss: Pray, Miss, how do you like Mr. _Spruce_? I swear I have often seen him cast a Sheep’s Eye out of a Calf’s Head at you: Deny it if you can.

_Miss._ Oh! Madam; all the World knows, that Mr. _Spruce_ is a general Lover.

_Col._ Come, Miss, ’tis too true to make a Jest on.

[——_Miss blushes._——

_Lady Answ._ Well, however, Blushing is some Sign of Grace.

_Neverout._ Miss says nothing; but I warrant she pays it off with Thinking.

_Miss._ Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, you are pleas’d to divert yourselves; but, as I hope to be sav’d, there’s nothing in it.

_Lady Smart._ Touch a gall’d Horse, and he’ll wince: Love will creep where it dare not go: I’d hold a hundred Pound Mr. _Neverout_ was the Inventor of that Story; and, Colonel, I doubt you had a Finger in the Pye.

_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, you forgot to salute Miss when you came in; she said you had not been here a long time.

_Miss._ Fie, Madam! I vow, Colonel, I said no such thing; I wonder at your Ladyship!

_Col._ Miss, I beg your Pardon——

[_Goes to salute her, she struggles a little._——

_Miss._ Well, I had rather give a Knave a Kiss, for once, than be troubled with him; but, upon my Word, you are more bold than welcome.

_Lady Smart._ Fie, fie, Miss! for Shame of the World, and Speech of good People.

[Neverout _to_ Miss, _who is cooking her Tea and Bread and Butter_.

_Neverout._ Come, come, Miss, make much of naught; good Folks are scarce.

_Miss._ What! and You must come in with your Two Eggs a Penny, and Three of them rotten.

_Col._ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] But, my Lord, I forgot to ask you, How you like my new Cloaths?

_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, very well, Colonel; only, to deal plainly with you, methinks the worst Piece is in the Middle.

[——_Here a loud Laugh, often repeated._——

_Col._ My Lord, you are too severe on your Friends.

_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, I’m hot; are you a Sot?

_Neverout._ Miss, I’m cold; are you a Scold? Take you that.

_Lady Smart._ I confess, that was home. I find, Mr. _Neverout_, you won’t give your Head for the washing, as they say.

_Miss._ Oh! he’s a sore Man, where the Skin’s off. I see, Mr. _Neverout_ has a Mind to sharpen the Edge of his Wit, on the Whetstone of my Ignorance.

_Ld. Sparkish._ Faith, _Tom_, you are struck! I never heard a better Thing.

_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, give me Leave to scratch you for that fine Speech.

_Miss._ Pox on your Picture; it cost me a Groat the drawing.

_Neverout._ [_to Lady Smart._] ’Sbuds, Madam, I have burnt my Hand with your plaguy Tea-kettle.

_Lady Smart._ Why, then, Mr. _Neverout_, you must say, God save the King.

_Neverout._ Did you ever see the like?

_Miss._ Never, but once, at a Wedding.

_Col._ Pray, Miss, how old are you?

_Miss._ Why, I’m as old as my Tongue, and a little older than my Teeth.