Part 4

"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous, * Antifebrifuge Tincture; that cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for one poor shilling.

* A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English, a tincture that will bring on a fever.

"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm; that will cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions, excoriations, and dislocations; and all for sixpence.

"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr. Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world, as an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will keep seven years, and--be as good as it is now. Here's this large bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence.

"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack, and ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.--Let Dr. Pestle or Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me in seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew--in High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of solid learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders.

"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but not one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by their silence.

"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum, Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, Catharticum.--Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst health is so cheaply to be purchased."

After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor told the company, that as this was the last time of his appearing at Ashbourn (other parts of the kingdom claiming a part in his patriotic labours), he was determined to make a present to all those who had been his patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon all those who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's bottles, pill-boxes, plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to make their appearance, and partake of his generosity. This produced no small degree of expectation amongst those that had been the doctor's customers, who gathered round him, with their hands stretched out, and with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the doctor, "stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised to give you a shilling a-piece. I will immediately per-; form my promise. Here's my Balsamum Stubbianum; which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the bottle, you shall now have it for sixpence."

"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where are you? Be quick! Don't stand in your own light. You'll never have such another opportunity--as long as you live."

The people looked upon each other with an air of disappointment. Some shook their heads, some grinned at the conceit, and others uttered their execrations--some few, however, who had been unwilling to throw away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to give a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or nine shillings more by this stratagem, which was more than the intrinsic value of his horse-load of medicines.

This egregious quack conceiving that he had now squeezed the last farthing out of his audience, commenced his retreat from the crowd with his usual solemnity of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; when a sly countryman, who had stood near him for some time, and had listened with a less than ordinary portion of credulity, nay, who had, indeed, more than once lifted up his eyes in token of disbelief, and curved his mouth into an arch of humourous contempt--raised a pitchfork which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into the posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to crawl underneath the Doctor and his baggage.--This Rozinante no sooner felt the insidious prick, than; bent on revenge, she raised her heels with deadly intent; but in order to raise her heels, the old creature found it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took that opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not avoid, of toppling over her shoulders. While the medical gentleman was performing his somerset in the air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the manifest delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed with joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and filth--purely out of the extacy of their gratification, another well disposed patient taking advantage of the moment, presented a besom to the Merry Andrew, and fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he was capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots, and nostrums, which now bestrewed the pavement.--After a few minutes floundering, the faithful pair regained their legs, and gathering up the remnants of their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient speed, amidst the huzzas and laughter of the mob.

POINT IX. A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS,

_A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."_

One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim and Brandt, were reclined on their beds, beginning to drink freely, relating their high feats, and, with becoming modesty, comparing themselves to nothing less than an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden struck with a sort of inspiration.--"We are very comfortable here," said he to the Baron.--"Very well indeed," replied Ferdinand XV. with a slight symptom of ebriety.--"No more guard at night."--"No longer compelled to drink water."--"No more black bread, Colonel."--"No more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them sometimes, eh?"--"Aye, but with the loss of an eye." --"And my poor arm, you have not forgot that?"--"No more than I have your leg."--"My leg, my leg, ah! that was a sad affair."--"Your health, Colonel."

"Your's, Brandt."--"I foresee but one little accident, my Lord, that can disturb our present felicity."--"What's that?"--"O nothing, a mere trifle.--I was thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they please, turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."--"Faith! I had forgot those scoundrels," answered the Baron, drinking a bumper; "however, you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect the rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive them in that famous tower, where Witikind, with only thirty Saxons, stopped, for three days, an army of one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne in person. The place will inspire them with that veneration for my person which its shattered state no longer enforces."--"I will go, Colonel."--"If they are reasonable--we will pay them."--"If they are not--we must sabre them."--"That is well said, Brandt,--bravo!"--"Let us drink, Colonel."--"With all my heart."

The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled his horse, gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the Israelites, imparted to them the good intentions of his master, appointed a day the Colonel would be ready to receive them, and then returned to the castle.

The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post in the hour of battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment of his mistress, or of a courtier at the levee, is not to be compared with the precision of a Jew, who has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on the appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before the Baron had slept himself sober. Brandt went to inform him of the arrival of his creditors, assisted him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet lined with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand XIII. and which Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but to give his public audiences; tied his sabre over the said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols in his belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over that of dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The Baron, thus accoutred, came forth from his bed-chamber, leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked majestically through two rows, formed by his creditors, and was followed by them to the tower of Witikind.

After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked sword and his pistols, the Baron seated himself in an immense arm-chair, stroked his whiskers, and spoke in the following terms:--

"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here to free myself from your importunities."--The Jews made a profound reverence. "I have served the descendant of Cæsar, who is no better than the descendant of Witikind:--but, no matter, I have served him. I have been in want of money, and have subscribed to your own terms; now I hold the purse, and dictate in my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided you sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews were shocked at this proposal, and were about to expostulate, but Brandt, giving them a fierce look, imposed silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The creditors shook their heads, in token of discontent. Ferdinand XV. swore, by his ancestors, that he would cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to approach his castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat the Saxon Jews, as the Arabian Jews had treated the Amalekites, if they did not agree to a compromise; on saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. A Jew has no fear for his head, when he trembles for his money.

The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his teeth, and was a little embarrassed, when Brandt, who loved gentle means as well as any body, when he found nothing else would succeed, advised the Colonel to leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself by a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of the first who should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites in the tower.

Although they passed a great part of the day without food, they still continued obstinate. At length their physical thirst equalled their thirst for gold, and they endeavoured to move the iron bars, which Ferdinand XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, who was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who kept a sharp look-out, opposed himself so warmly to their attempt that they were obliged to abandon it. They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The Jews signified their dissent by withdrawing from the window.

When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, lighted a fire at the foot of the tower, and he and the Jews spent the hours in watching each other's motions. The next morning, the prisoners began to feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded a parley. "Will you have half?" was again the demand of the inflexible Brandt. "We will take two thirds," said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear it, and continued to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder.

At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist the hunger which tormented them, requested another conference; and, with seeming reluctance, agreed to take the half of their debt. "You shall have but one third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, almost fainting, said, "Give us the half."--"You shall have but a quarter," said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude for a quarter," replied the Israelite: "there are Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews."

Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a small ink-stand, tied the whole at the end of a long pole, which he presented to the prisoners, and ordered them to give a receipt for three parts of the debt, which was executed instantly, and he received it back by the same conveyance. He carried this valuable acquisition to the Baron, from whom he received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly careful in obtaining the title-deeds. He then conducted the Jews to the door, with great civility, and they departed, wishing him most heartily at the devil.

By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner in which the Baron had discharged his debts, Brandt placed upon the table a large piece of smoked bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, even at the risk of not finding their way to bed until the next morning.

POINT X.

_A Scene from Shakspeare._

_Enter Fluellen and Gower._

_Gow._ Nay, that's right: but why wear you your leek to day? St. David's day is past.

_Flu_. There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things; I will tell you as a friend, Captain Gower; the rascally, scauld, beggarly, lowsie, pragging knave Pistol, which you and yourself and all the world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you now) of no merits; he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could breed no contentions with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it in my cap, till I see him once again; and then I will tell him a little piece of my desires.

_Enter Pistol._

_Gow_. Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock.

_Flu._ 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. God plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, lowsie knave, God plesse you.

_Pist_. Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan, to have me fold up Parca's fatal web?

Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek.

_Flu._ I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, at my desires, and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek: because, look you, you do not love it; and your affections, and your appetites, and your digestions, does not agree with it; I would desire you to eat it.

_Pist._ Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.

_Flu_. There is one goat for you, [Strikes him.] Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it?

_Pist_. Base Trojan, thou shalt die.

_Flu._ You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is: I will desire you to live in the mean time and eat your victuals; come, there is sawce for it----

[Strikes him] You call'd me yesterday, Mountain-Squire, but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek.

_Gow_. Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him.

_Flu_. I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, I pray you; it is good for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb.

_Pist._ Must I bite?

_Flu_. Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and ambiguities.--

_Pist_. By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I eat and swear----

_Flu_. Eat, I pray you; will you have some more sawce to your leek? there is not enough leek to swear by. .

_Pist._ Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat.

_Flu._ Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw none away, the skin is good for your proken coxcomb: when you take occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's all.

_Pist_. Good.

_Flu._ Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to heal your pate.

_Pist._ Me a groat!

_Flu_. Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or I have another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.

_Pist._ I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.

_Flu_. If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; you shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, and keep you, and heal your pate. [Exit.]

_Pist._ All hell shall stir for this.

_Gore_. Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: will you mock at an antient tradition, began upon an honourable respect, and worn as a memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction teach you a good English condition: fare you well. [Exit.]

End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous