Part 5

_Gripe._ Then we'll have, besides her, may be sometimes----her husband; and we shall see my niece that writes verses, and my sister _Fidget_: with her husband's brother that's always merry; and his little cousin that's to marry the fat curate; and my uncle the apothecary, with his wife and all his children. O we shall divert ourselves rarely.

_Flip._ Good.

[_Aside._

_Clar._ O, for that, my dear child, I must be plain with you, I'll see none of them but _Araminta_, who has the manners of the court; for I'll converse with none but women of quality.

_Gripe._ Ay, ay, they shall all have one quality or other.

_Clar._ Then, my dear, to make our home pleasant, we'll have consorts of music sometimes.

_Gripe._ Music in my house!

_Clar._ Yes, my child, we must have music or the house will be so dull I shall get the spleen, and be going abroad again.

_Flip._ Nay, she has so much complaisance for you, Sir, you can't dispute such things with her.

_Gripe._ Ay, but if I have music----

_Clar._ Ay, but Sir, I must have music----

_Flip._ Not every day, Madam don't mean.

_Clar._ No, bless me, no; but three consorts a week: three days more we'll play after dinner at _Ombre_, _Picquet_, _Basset_, and so forth, and close the evening with a handsome supper and a ball.

_Gripe._ A ball!

_Clar._ Then, my love, you know there is but one day more upon our hands, and that shall be the day of conversation, we'll read verses, talk of books, invent modes, tell lyes, scandalize our friends, be pert upon religion; and in short, employ every moment of it in some pretty witty exercise or other.

_Flip._ What order you see 'tis she proposes to live in! A most wonderful regularity!

_Gripe._ Regularity with a pox----

[_Aside._

_Clar._ And as this kind of life, so soft, so smooth, so agreeable, must needs invite a vast deal of company to partake of it, 'twill be necessary to have the decency of a porter at our door, you know.

_Gripe._ A porter----A scrivener have a porter, Madam!

_Clar._ Positively a porter.

_Gripe._ Why no scrivener since _Adam_ ever had a porter, woman!

_Clar._ You will therefore be renown'd in story, for having the first, my life.

_Gripe._ _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ Hang it, Sir, never dispute a trifle; if you vex her, perhaps she'll insist upon a Swiss.

[_Aside to ~Gripe~._

_Gripe._ But, Madam----

_Clar._ But, Sir, a porter, positively a porter; without that the treaty's null, and I go abroad this moment.

_Flip._ Come, Sir, never lose so advantageous a peace for a pitiful porter.

_Gripe._ Why, I shall be hooted at, the boys will throw stones at my porter. Besides, where shall I have money for all this expence?

_Clar._ My dear, who asks you for any? Don't be in a fright, chicken.

_Gripe._ Don't be in a fright, Madam! But where I say----

_Flip._ Madam plays, Sir, think on that; women that play have inexhaustible mines, and wives who receive least money from their husbands, are many times those who spend the most.

_Clar._ So, my dear, let what _Flippanta_ says content you. Go, my life, trouble yourself with nothing, but let me do just as I please, and all will be well. I'm going into my closet, to consider of some more things to enable me to give you the pleasure of my company at home, without making it too great a misery to a yielding wife.

[_Exit ~Clarissa~._

_Flip._ Mirror of goodness! Pattern to all wives! well sure, Sir, you are the happiest of all husbands.

_Gripe._ Yes----and a miserable dog for all that too, perhaps.

_Flip._ Why, what can you ask more, than this matchless complaisance?

_Gripe._ I don't know what I can ask, and yet I'm not satisfy'd with what I have neither, the devil mixes in it all, I think; complaisant or perverse, it feels just as it did.

_Flip._ Why then your uneasiness is only a disease, Sir, perhaps a little bleeding and purging wou'd relieve you.

_Clar._ _Flippanta_?

[_~Clarissa~ calls within._

_Flip._ Madam calls. I come, Madam. Come, be merry, be merry, Sir, you have cause, take my word for't. Poor devil.

[_Aside._]

[_Exit ~Flippanta~._

_Gripe._ I don't know that, I don't know that: But this I do know, that an honest man, who has marry'd a jade, whether she's pleas'd to spend her time at home or abroad, had better have liv'd a batchelor.

_Enter ~Brass~._

_Brass._ O, Sir, I'm mighty glad I have found you.

_Gripe._ Why, what's the matter, pr'ythee?

_Brass._ Can no body hear us?

_Gripe._ No, no, speak quickly.

_Brass._ You han't seen _Araminta_, since the last letter I carry'd her from you?

_Gripe._ Not I, I go prudently; I don't press things like your young firebrand lovers.

_Brass._ But seriously, Sir, are you very much in love with her?

_Gripe._ As mortal man has been.

_Brass._ I'm sorry for't.

_Gripe._ Why so, dear _Brass_?

_Brass._ If you were never to see her more now? Suppose such a thing, d'ye think 'twou'd break your heart?

_Gripe._ Oh!

_Brass._ Nay, now I see you love her; wou'd you did not.

_Gripe._ My dear friend.

_Brass._ I'm in your interest deep: you see it.

_Gripe._ I do: but speak, what miserable story hast thou for me?

_Brass._ I had rather the devil had, phu----flown away with you quick, than to see you so much in love, as I perceive you are, since----

_Gripe._ Since what?----ho.

_Brass._ _Araminta_, Sir.

_Gripe._ Dead?

_Brass._ No.

_Gripe._ How then?

_Brass._ Worse.

_Gripe._ Out with't.

_Brass._ Broke.

_Gripe._ Broke!

_Brass._ She is, poor lady, in a most unfortunate situation of affairs. But I have said too much.

_Gripe._ No, no, 'tis very sad, but let's hear it.

_Brass._ Sir, she charg'd me on my life never to mention it to you, of all men living.

_Gripe._ Why, who should'st thou tell it to, but to the best of her friends?

_Brass._ Ay, why there's it now, it's going just as I fancy'd. Now will I be hang'd if you are not enough in love to be engaging in this matter. But I must tell you, Sir, that as much concern as I have for that most excellent, beautiful, agreeable, distress'd, unfortunate lady, I'm too much your friend and servant, ever to let it be said, 'twas the means of your being ruin'd for a woman----by letting you know she esteem'd you more than any other man upon earth.

_Gripe._ Ruin'd! what dost thou mean?

_Brass._ Mean! Why! I mean that women always ruin those that love 'em, that's the rule.

_Gripe._ The rule!

_Brass._ Yes, the rule; why wou'd you have them ruin those that don't? How shall they bring that about?

_Gripe._ But is there a necessity then, they shou'd ruin somebody?

_Brass._ Yes, marry is there; how wou'd you have 'em support their expence else? Why, Sir, you can't conceive now----you can't conceive what _Araminta_'s privy-purse requires. Only her privy purse, Sir! Why, what do you imagine now she gave me for the last letter I carry'd her from you? 'Tis true, 'twas from a man she lik'd, else, perhaps, I had had my bones broke. But what do you think she gave me?

_Gripe._ Why, mayhap----a shilling.

_Brass._ A guinea, Sir, a guinea. You see by that how fond she was on't, by the bye. But then, Sir, her coach-hire; her chair-hire, her pin-money, her play-money, her china, and her charity----wou'd consume peers: A great soul, a very great soul! but what's the end of all this?

_Gripe._ Ha!

_Brass._ Why, I'll tell you what the end is----a nunnery.

_Gripe._ A nunnery!

_Brass._ A nunnery.----In short she is at last reduc'd to that extremity, and attack'd with such a battalion of duns, that rather than tell her husband (who you know is such a dog, he'd let her go if she did) she has e'en determin'd to turn papist, and bid the world adieu for life.

_Gripe._ O terrible! a papist!

_Brass._ Yes, when a handsome woman has brought herself into difficulties, the devil can't help her out of----To a nunnery, that's another rule, Sir.

_Gripe._ But, but, but, pr'ythee _Brass_, but----

_Brass._ But all the buts in the world, Sir, won't stop her: she's a woman of a noble resolution. So, Sir, your humble servant; I pity her, I pity you. Turtle and mate; but the Fates will have it so, all's packt up, and I'm now going to call her a coach, for she resolves to slip off without saying a word: and the next visit she receives from her friends, will be through a melancholy grate, with a veil instead of a top-knot.

[_Going._

_Gripe._ It must not be, by the Powers it must not; she was made for the world, and the world was made for her.

_Brass._ And yet you see, Sir, how small a share she has on't.

_Gripe._ Poor woman! Is there no way to save her?

_Brass._ Save her! No, how can she be saved? why she owes above five hundred pounds.

_Gripe._ Oh!

_Brass._ Five hundred pounds, Sir; she's like to be sav'd indeed.----Not but that I know them in this town wou'd give me one of the five, if I wou'd persuade her to accept of th' other four: but she has forbid me mentioning it to any soul living; and I have disobey'd her only to you; and so--I'll go and call a coach.

_Gripe._ Hold!----dost think, my poor _Brass_, one might not order it so, as to compound those debts for----for----twelve pence in the pound?

_Brass._ Sir, d'ye hear? I have already try'd 'em with ten shillings, and not a rogue will prick up his ear at it. Tho' after all, for three hundred pounds all in glittering gold, I could set their chaps a watering. But where's that to be had with honour? there's the thing, Sir,----I'll go and call a coach.

_Gripe._ Hold, once more: I have a note in my closet of two hundred, ay----and fifty, I'll go and give it her myself.

_Brass._ You will; very genteel, truly. Go slap-dash, and offer a woman of her scruples, money! bolt in her face: Why, you might as well offer her a scorpion, and she'd as soon touch it.

_Gripe._ Shall I carry it to her creditors then, and treat with them?

_Brass._ Ay, that's a rare thought.

_Gripe._ Is not it, _Brass_?

_Brass._ Only one little inconvenience by the way.

_Gripe._ As how?

_Brass._ That they are your wife's creditors as well as hers; and perhaps it might not be altogether so well to see you clearing the debts of your neighbour's wife, and leaving those of your own unpaid.

_Gripe._ Why that's true now.

_Brass._ I'm wise you see, Sir.

_Gripe._ Thou art; and I'm but a young lover: But what shall we do then?

_Brass._ Why I'm thinking, that if you give me the note, do you see; and that I promise to give you an account of it----

_Gripe._ Ay, but look you, _Brass_----

_Brass._ But look you!----Why what, d'ye think I'm a pickpocket? D'ye think I intend to run away with your note? your paltry note.

_Gripe._ I don't say so----I say only that in case----

_Brass._ Case, Sir, there is no case but the case I have put you; and since you heap cases upon cases, where there is but three hundred rascally pounds in the case----I'll go and call a coach.

_Gripe._ Pr'ythee don't be so testy; come, no more words, follow me to my closet, and I'll give thee the money.

_Brass._ A terrible effort you make indeed; you are so much in love, your wits are all upon the wing, just a going; and for three hundred pounds you put a stop to their flight: Sir, your wits are worth that, or your wits are worth nothing. Come away.

_Gripe._ Well, say no more, thou shalt be satisfy'd. [_Exeunt._

_Enter ~Dick~._

_Dick._ S't----_Brass_! S't----

_Re-enter ~Brass~._

_Brass._ Well, Sir!

_Dick._ 'Tis not well, Sir, 'tis very ill, Sir; we shall be all blown up.

_Brass._ What, with pride and plenty?

_Dick._ No, Sir, with an officious slut that will spoil all. In short, _Flippanta_ has been telling her mistress and _Araminta_ of my passion for the young gentlewoman; and truly to oblige me (supposed no ill match by the bye) they are resolv'd to propose it immediately to her father.

_Brass._ That's the devil! we shall come to papers and parchments, jointures and settlements, relations meet on both sides; that's the devil.

_Dick._ I intended this very day to propose to _Flippanta_, the carrying her off: and I'm sure the young houswife wou'd have tuck'd up her coats, and have march'd.

_Brass._ Ay, with the body and the soul of her.

_Dick._ Why then, what damn'd luck is this?

_Brass._ 'Tis your damn'd luck, not mine: I have always seen it in your ugly phiz, in spite of your powder'd perriwig----pox take ye----he'll be hang'd at last. Why don't you try to get her off yet?

_Dick._ I have no money, you dog; you know you have stript me of every penny.

_Brass._ Come, damn it. I'll venture one cargo more upon your rotten bottom: But if ever I see one glance of your hempen fortune again, I'm off of your partnership for ever----I shall never thrive with him.

_Dick._ An impudent rogue, but he's in possession of my estate, so I must bear with him.

[_Aside._

_Brass._ Well, come, I'll raise a hundred pounds for your use, upon my wife's jewels here; [_Pulling out the necklace._] her necklace shall pawn for't.

_Dick._ Remember tho', that if things fail, I'm to have the necklace again; you know you agreed to that.

_Brass._ Yes, and if I make it good, you'll be the better for't; if not, I shall: so you see where the cause will pinch.

_Dick._ Why, you barbarous dog, you won't offer to----

_Brass._ No words now; about your business, march. Go stay for me at the next tavern: I'll go to _Flippanta_, and try what I can do for you.

_Dick._ Well, I'll go, but don't think to----O pox, Sir----

[_Exit ~Dick~._

_~Brass~ solus._

_Brass._ Will you be gone? A pretty title you'd have to sue me upon truly, if I shou'd have a mind to stand upon the defensive, as perhaps I may; I have done the rascal service enough to lull my conscience upon't I'm sure: But 'tis time enough for that. Let me see----First I'll go to _Flippanta_, and put a stop to this family way of match-making, then sell our necklace for what ready money 'twill produce; and by this time to-morrow I hope we shall be in possession of----t'other jewel here; a precious jewel, as she's set in gold: I believe for the stone itself we may part with it again to a friend----for a tester.

[_Exit._

+ACT+ V.

+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_.

_Enter ~Brass~ and ~Flippanta~._

_Brass._ Well, you agree I'm in the right, don't you?

_Flip._ I don't know; if your master has the estate he talks of, why not do't all above-board? Well, tho' I am not much of his mind, I'm much in his interest, and will therefore endeavour to serve him in his own way.

_Brass._ That's kindly said, my child, and I believe I shall reward thee one of these days, with as pretty a fellow to thy husband for't, as----

_Flip._ Hold your prating, Jack-a-dandy, and leave me to my business.

_Brass._ I obey--adieu. [_Kisses her._]

[_Exit ~Brass~._

_Flip._ Rascal!

_Enter ~Corinna~._

_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, I'm ready to sink down, my legs tremble under me, my dear _Flippy_.

_Flip._ And what's the affair?

_Cor._ My father's there within, with my mother and _Araminta_; I never saw him in so good a humour in my life.

_Flip._ And is that it that frightens you so?

_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, they are just going to speak to him, about my marrying the Colonel.

_Flip._ Are they so? so much the worse; they're too hasty.

_Cor._ O no, not a bit: I slipt out on purpose, you must know, to give them an opportunity; wou'd 'twere done already.

_Flip._ I tell you no; get you in again immediately, and prevent it.

_Cor._ My dear, dear, I am not able; I never was in such a way before.

_Flip._ Never in a way to be marry'd before, ha? is not that it?

_Cor._ Ah, Lord, if I'm thus before I come to't, _Flippanta_, what shall I be upon the very spot? Do but feel with what a thumpaty thump it goes.

[_Putting her hand to her heart._

_Flip._ Nay it does make a filthy bustle, that's the truth on't, child. But I believe I shall make it leap another way, when I tell you, I'm cruelly afraid your father won't consent, after all.

_Cor._ Why, he won't be the death of o'me, will he?

_Flip._ I don't know, old folk are cruel; but we'll have a trick for him. _Brass_ and I have been consulting upon the matter, and agreed upon a surer way of doing it in spite of his teeth.

_Cor._ Ay, marry, Sir, that were something.

_Flip._ But then he must not know a word of any thing towards it.

_Cor._ No, no.

_Flip._ So, get you in immediately.

_Cor._ One, two, three and away.

[_Running off._

_Flip._ And prevent your mother's speaking on't.

_Cor._ But is t'other way sure, _Flippanta_?

_Flip._ Fear nothing, 'twill only depend upon you.

_Cor._ Nay then----O ho, ho, ho, how pure that is!

[_Exit ~Corinna~._

_~Flippanta~ sola._

Poor child! we may do what we will with her, as far as marrying her goes; when that's over, 'tis possible she mayn't prove altogether so tractable. But who's here? my sharper, I think: yes.

_Enter ~Money-trap~._

_Mon._ Well, my best friend, how go matters? Has the restitution been received, ha? Was she pleas'd with it?

_Flip._ Yes, truly; that is, she was pleas'd to see there was so honest a man in this immoral age.

_Mon._ Well, but a----does she know that 'twas I that----

_Flip._ Why, you must know I begun to give her a little sort of a hint, and----and so----why, and so she begun to put on a sort of a severe, haughty, reserv'd, angry, forgiving air. But soft; here she comes: you'll see how you stand with her presently: but don't be afraid. Courage.

_Mon._ He, hem.

_Enter ~Clarissa~._

'Tis no small piece of good fortune, Madam, to find you at home: I have often endeavour'd it in vain.

_Clar._ 'Twas then unknown to me, for if I cou'd often receive the visits of so good a friend at home, I shou'd be more reasonably blam'd for being so much abroad.

_Mon._ Madam, you make me----

_Clar._ You are the man of the world whose company I think is most to be desir'd. I don't compliment you when I tell you so, I assure you.

_Mon._ Alas, Madam, your poor humble servant----

_Clar._ My poor humble servant however (with all the esteem I have for him) stands suspected with me for a vile trick, I doubt he has play'd me, which if I could prove upon him, I'm afraid I should punish him very severely.

_Mon._ I hope, Madam, you'll believe I am not capable of----

_Clar._ Look you, look you, you are capable of whatever you please, you have a great deal of wit, and know how to give a nice and gallant turn to every thing; but if you will have me continue your friend, you must leave me in some uncertainty in this matter.

_Mon._ Madam, I do then protest to you----

_Clar._ Come protest nothing about it, I am but too penetrating, as you may perceive; but we sometimes shut our eyes, rather than break with our friends; for a thorough knowledge of the truth of this business, wou'd make me very seriously angry.

_Mon._ 'Tis very certain, Madam, that----

_Clar._ Come, say no more on't, I beseech you, for I'm in a good deal of heat while I but think on't; if you'll walk in, I'll follow you presently.

_Mon._ Your goodness, Madam, is----

_Flip._ War, horse.

[_Aside to ~Money-trap~._

No fine speeches, you'll spoil all.

_Mon._ Thou art a most incomparable person.

_Flip._ Nay, it goes rarely; but get you in, and I'll say a little something to my Lady for you, while she's warm.

_Mon._ But S't, _Flippanta_, how long do'st think she may hold out?

_Flip._ Phu, not a Twelvemonth.

_Mon._ Boo.

_Flip._ Away, I say.

[_Pushing him out._

_Clar._ Is he gone? What a wretch it is! he never was quite such a beast before.

_Flip._ Poor mortal, his money's finely laid out truly.

_Clar._ I suppose there may have been much such another scene within between _Araminta_ and my dear: but I left him so insupportably brisk, 'tis impossible he can have parted with any money: I'm afraid _Brass_ has not succeeded as thou hast done, _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ By my faith but he has, and better too; he presents his humble duty to _Araminta_, and has sent her----this.

[_Shewing the note._

_Clar._ A bill for my love for two hundred and fifty pounds. The monster! he wou'd not part with ten to save his lawful wife from everlasting torment.

_Flip._ Never complain of his avarice, Madam, as long as you have his money.

_Clar._ But is not he a beast, _Flippanta_? methinks the restitution look'd better by half.

_Flip._ Madam, the man's beast enough, that's certain; but which way will you go to receive his beastly money, for I must not appear with his note?

_Clar._ That's true; why send for Mrs. _Amlet_; that's a mighty useful woman, that Mrs. _Amlet_.

_Flip._ Marry is she; we shou'd have been basely puzzled how to dispose of the necklace without her, 'twould have been dangerous offering it to sale.

_Clar._ It wou'd so, for I know your master has been laying out for't amongst the goldsmiths. But I stay here too long. I must in and coquet it a little more to my lover, _Araminta_ will get ground on me else.

[_Exit ~Clarissa~._

_Flip._ And I'll go send for Mrs. _Amlet_.

[_Exit ~Flip~._

+SCENE+ _opens._

_~Araminta~, ~Corinna~, ~Gripe~, and ~Money-trap~ at a tea-table, very gay and laughing. ~Clarissa~ comes in to 'em._

_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! ha!

_Mon._ Mighty well, O mighty well indeed!

_Clar._ Save you, save you good folks, you are all in rare humour methinks.

_Gripe._ Why, what shou'd we be otherwise for, Madam?

_Clar._ Nay, I don't know, not I, my dear; but I han't had the happiness of seeing you since our honey-moon was over, I think.

_Gripe._ Why to tell you the truth, my dear, 'tis the joy of seeing you at home; [_Kisses her._] You see what charms you have, when you are pleased to make use of 'em.

_Aram._ Very gallant truly.

_Clar._ Nay, and what's more, you must know, he's never to be otherwise henceforwards; we have come to an agreement about it.

_Mon._ Why, here's my love and I have been upon just such another treaty too.

_Aram._ Well, sure there's some very peaceful star rules at present. Pray heaven continue its reign.

_Mon._ Pray do you continue its reign, you ladies; for 'tis all in your power.

[_Leering at ~Clarissa~._

_Gripe._ My neighbour _Money-trap_ says true at least I'll confess frankly [_Ogling ~Araminta~._] 'tis in one lady's power to make me the best-humour'd man on earth.

_Mon._ And I'll answer for another, that has the same over me.

[_Ogling ~Clarissa~._

_Clar._ 'Tis mighty fine, gentlemen, mighty civil husbands indeed.

_Gripe._ Nay, what I say's true, and so true, that all quarrels being now at an end, I am willing, if you please, to dispense with all that fine company we talk'd of to-day, be content with the friendly conversation of our two good neighbours here, and spend all my toying hours alone with my sweet wife.

_Mon._ Why, truly, I think now, if these good women pleas'd, we might make up the prettiest little neighbourly company between our two families, and set a defiance to all the impertinent people in the world.

[_Aside._

_Clar._ The rascals!

_Aram._ Indeed I doubt you'd soon grow weary, if we grew fond.

_Gripe._ Never, never, for our wives have wit, neighbour, and that never palls.

_Clar._ And our husbands have generosity, _Araminta_, and that seldom palls.

_Gripe._ So that's a wipe for me now, because I did not give her a new-year's gift last time; but be good, and I'll think of some tea-cups for you, next year.

_Mon._ And perhaps I mayn't forget a fan, or as good a thing----hum, hussy.

_Clar._ Well, upon these encouragements, _Araminta_, we'll try how good we can be.

_Gripe._ Well, this goes most rarely: poor _Money-trap_, he little thinks what makes his wife so easy in his company.

[_Aside._

_Mon._ I can but pity poor neighbour _Gripe_. Lard, Lard, what a fool does his wife and I make of him?

[_Aside._

_Clar._ Are not these two wretched rogues, _Araminta_?

[_Aside to ~Araminta~._

_Aram._ They are indeed.

[_Aside to ~Clarissa~._

_Enter ~Jessamin~._

_Jess._ Sir, here's Mr. _Clip_, the goldsmith, desires to speak with you.

_Gripe._ Cods so, perhaps some news of your necklace, my dear.

_Clar._ That would be news indeed.

_Gripe._ Let him come in.

_Enter Mr. ~Clip~._