Part 4

_Mon._ Well! and how?

_Flip._ And how!----And how do you think you would have me do't? And you have such a way with you, one can refuse you nothing. But I have brought myself into a fine business by it.

_Mon._ Good lack:----But, I hope, _Flippanta_--

_Flip._ Yes, your hopes will do much, when I am turn'd out of doors.

_Mon._ Was she then terrible angry?

_Flip._ Oh! had you seen how she flew, when she saw where I was pointing; for you must know I went round the bush and round the bush, before I came to the matter.

_Mon._ Nay, 'tis a ticklish point, that must be own'd.

_Flip._ On my word is it----I mean where a lady's truly virtuous; for that's our case you must know.

_Mon._ A very dangerous case indeed.

_Flip._ But I can tell you one thing----she has an inclination to you.

_Mon._ Is it possible!

_Flip._ Yes, and I told her so at last.

_Mon._ Well, and what did she answer thee?

_Flip._ Slap----and bid me bring it you for a token.

[_Giving him a slap on the face._

_Mon._ And you have lost none on't by the way, with a pox t'ye.

[_Aside._

_Flip._ Now this, I think, looks the best in the world.

_Mon._ Yea, but really it feels a little oddly.

_Flip._ Why, you must know, ladies have different ways of expressing their kindness, according to the humour they are in: if she had been in a good one, it had been a kiss; but as long as she sent you something, your affairs go well.

_Mon._ Why, truly, I am a little ignorant in the mysterious parts of love, so I must be guided by thee. But pr'ythee take her in a good humour next token she sends me.

_Flip._ Ah----good humour?

_Mon._ What's the matter?

_Flip._ Poor lady!

_Man._ Ha!

_Flip._ If I durst tell you all----

_Mon._ What then?

_Flip._ You would not expect to see her in one a good while.

_Mon._ Why, I pray?

_Flip._ I must own I did take an unseasonable time to talk of love-matters to her.

_Mon._ Why, what's the matter?

_Flip._ Nothing.

_Mon._ Nay, pr'ythee tell me.

_Flip._ I dare not.

_Mon._ You must indeed.

_Flip._ Why, when women are in difficulties, how can they think of pleasure?

_Mon._ Why, what difficulties can she be in?

_Flip._ Nay, I do but guess after all; for she has that grandeur of soul, she'd die before she'd tell.

_Mon._ But what dost thou suspect?

_Flip._ Why, what should one suspect, where a husband loves nothing but getting of money, and a wife nothing but spending on't?

_Mon._ So she wants that same, then?

_Flip._ I say no such thing, I know nothing of the matter; pray make no wrong interpretation of what I say, my Lady wants nothing that I know of. 'Tis true----she has had ill luck at cards of late, I believe she has not won once this month: but what of that?

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ 'Tis true, I know her spirit's that she'd see her husband hanged before she'd ask him for a farthing.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ And then I know him again, he'd see her drown'd before he'd give her a farthing; but that's a help to your affair, you know.

_Mon._ 'Tis so, indeed.

_Flip._ Ah----well, I'll say nothing; but if she had none of these things to fret her----

_Mon._ Why really, _Flippanta_----

_Flip._ I know what you are going to say now; you are going to offer your service, but 'twon't do; you have a mind to play the gallant now, but it must not be; you want to be shewing your liberality, but 'twon't be allowed; you'll be pressing me to offer it, and she'll be in a rage. We shall have the Devil to do.

_Mon._ You mistake me, _Flippanta_, I was only going to say----

_Flip._ Ay, I know what you were going to say well enough; but I tell you it will never do so. If one cou'd find out some way now----ay----let me see----

_Mon._ Indeed I hope----

_Flip._ Pray be quiet----no----but I'm thinking----hum----she'll smoke that tho'----let us consider--If one you'd find a way to----'Tis the nicest point in the world to bring about, she'll never touch it, if she knows from whence it comes.

_Mon._ Shall I try if I can reason her husband out of twenty pounds, to make her easy the rest of her life?

_Flip._ Twenty pounds, man?----why you shall see her set that upon a card. O----she has a great soul.----Besides, if her husband should oblige her, it might, in time, take off her aversion to him, and by consequence, her inclination to you. No, no, it must never come that way.

_Mon._ What shall we do then?

_Flip._ Hold still----I have it. I'll tell you what you shall do.

_Mon._ Ay.

_Flip._ You shall make her a restitution of two hundred pounds.

_Mon._ Ha! Restitution!

_Flip._ Yes, yes, 'tis the luckiest thought in the world; Madam often plays, you know, and folks who do so, meet now and then with sharpers. Now you shall be a sharper.

_Mon._ A sharper!

_Flip._ Ay, ay, a sharper; and having cheated her of two hundred pounds, shall be troubled in mind, and send it her back again. You comprehend me?

_Mon._ Yes, I comprehend, but a----won't she suspect if it be so much?

_Flip._ No, no, the more the better.

_Mon._ Two hundred pounds!

_Flip._ Yes, two hundred pounds----Or let me see----so even a sum may look a little suspicious----ay----let it be two hundred and thirty; that odd thirty will make it look so natural, the devil won't find it out.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ Pounds, too, look I don't know how; guineas I fancy were better----ay, guineas, it shall be guineas. You are of that mind, are you not?

_Mon._ Um----a guinea, you know, _Flippanta_, is--

_Flip._ A thousand times genteeler, you are certainly in the right on't; it shall be as you say, two hundred and thirty guineas.

_Mon._ Ho----well, if it must be guineas, let's see, two hundred guineas.

_Flip._ And thirty; two hundred and thirty: If you mistake the sum, you spoil all. So go put them in a purse, while it's fresh in your head, and send 'em to me with a penitential letter, desiring I'll do you the favour to restore them to her.

_Mon._ Two hundred and thirty pounds in a bag!

_Flip._ Guineas, I say, guineas.

_Mon._ Ay, guineas, that's true. But _Flippanta_, if she don't know they come from me, then I give my money for nothing, you know.

_Flip._ Phu, leave that to me, I'll manage the flock for you; I'll make it produce something I'll warrant you.

_Mon._ Well, _Flippanta_, 'tis a great sum indeed; but I'll go try what I can do for her. You say, two hundred guineas in a purse?

_Flip._ And thirty; if the man's in his senses.

_Mon._ And thirty, 'tis true, I always forget that thirty.

[_Exit ~Money-trap~._

_Flip._ So, get thee gone, thou art a rare fellow, i'faith. Brass!----it's thee, is't not?

_Enter ~Brass~._

_Brass._ It is, Huswife. How go matters? I staid till thy gentleman was gone. Hast done any thing towards our common purse?

_Flip._ I think I have; he's going to make us a restitution of two or three hundred pounds.

_Brass._ A restitution!----good.

_Flip._ A new way, sirrah, to make a lady take a present without putting her to the blush.

_Brass._ 'Tis very well, mighty well indeed. Pr'ythee where's thy master? let me try if I can perswade him to be troubled in mind too.

_Flip._ Not so hasty; he's gone into his closet to prepare himself for a quarrel, I have advis'd him to----with his wife.

_Brass._ What to do?

_Flip._ Why to make her stay at home, now she has resolved to do it beforehand. You must know, sirrah, we intend to make a merit of our basset table, and get a good pretence for the merry companions we intend to fill his house with.

_Brass._ Very nicely spun, truly, thy husband will be a happy man.

_Flip._ Hold your tongue, you fool you. See here comes your master.

_Brass._ He's welcome.

_Enter ~Dick~._

_Dick._ My dear _Flippanta_! how many thanks have I to pay thee?

_Flip._ Do you like her style?

_Dick._ The kindest little rogue! there's nothing but she gives me leave to hope. I am the happiest man the world has in its care.

_Flip._ Not so happy as you think for neither, perhaps; you have a rival, Sir, I can tell you that.

_Dick._ A rival!

_Flip._ Yes, and a dangerous one too.

_Dick._ Who in the name of terror?

_Flip._ A devilish fellow, one Mr. _Amlet_.

_Dick._ _Amlet_! I know no such man.

_Flip._ You know the man's mother tho'; you met her here, and are in her favour, I can tell you. If he worst you, in your mistress, you shall e'en marry her and disinherit him.

_Dick._ If I have no other rival but Mr. _Amlet_, I believe I shan't be disturb'd in my amour. But can't I see _Corinna_?

_Flip._ I don't know, she has always some of her masters with her: but I'll go and see if she can spare you a moment, and bring you word.

[_Exit ~Flippanta~._

_Dick._ I wish my old hobbling mother han't been blabbing something here she should not do.

_Brass._ Fear nothing, all's safe on that side yet. But, how speaks young mistress's epistle? soft and tender?

_Dick._ As pen can write.

_Brass._ So you think all goes well there?

_Dick._ As my heart can wish.

_Brass._ You are sure on't?

_Dick._ Sure on't!

_Brass._ Why then, ceremony aside, [_Putting on his hat._] You and I must have a little talk, Mr. _Amlet_.

_Dick._ Ah, _Brass_, what art thou going to do? Wou't ruin me?

_Brass._ Look you, _Dick_, few words; you are in a smooth way of making your fortune. I hope all will roll on. But how do you intend matters shall pass 'twixt you and me in this business?

_Dick._ Death and Furies! What a time dost take to talk on't?

_Brass._ Good words, or I betray you; they have already heard of one Mr. _Amlet_ in the house.

_Dick._ Here's a son of a whore!

[_Aside._

_Brass._ In short, look smooth, and be a good prince: I am your valet, 'tis true: your footman sometimes, which I'm enrag'd at; but you have always had the ascendant, I confess: when we were school-fellows, you made me carry your books, make your exercise, own your rogueries, and sometimes take a whipping for you. When we were fellow-prentices, tho' I was your senior, you made me open the shop, clean my master's shoes, cut last at dinner, and eat all the crust. In our sins too, I must own you still kept me under; you soar'd up to adultery with our mistress, while I was at humble fornication with the maid. Nay, in our punishments you still made good your post: for when once upon a time I was sentenced but to be whipp'd, I cannot deny but you were condemn'd to be hang'd. So that in all times, I must confess, your inclinations have been greater and nobler than mine; however, I cannot consent that you shou'd at once fix fortune for life, and I dwell in my humilities for the rest of my days.

_Dick._ Hark thee, _Brass_, if I do not most nobly by thee, I'm a dog.

_Brass._ And when?

_Dick._ As soon as ever I am married.

_Brass._ Ah, the pox take thee.

_Dick._ Then you mistrust me?

_Brass._ I do by my faith. Look you, Sir, some folks we mistrust, because we don't know them; others we mistrust, because we do know them: and for one of these reasons I desire there may be a bargain beforehand: If not [_Raising his voice._] look ye _Dick Amlet_----

_Dick._ Soft, my dear friend and companion. The dog will ruin me. [_Aside._] Say, what is't will content thee?

_Brass._ O ho!

_Dick._ But how canst thou be such a barbarian?

_Brass._ I learnt it at _Algiers_.

_Dick._ Come, make thy _Turkish_ demand then.

_Brass._ You know you gave me a bank-bill this morning to receive for you.

_Dick._ I did so, of fifty pounds, 'tis thine. So, now thou are satisfy'd, all's fix'd.

_Brass._ It is not indeed. There's a diamond necklace you robb'd your mother of ev'n now.

_Dick._ Ah, you _Jew_.

_Brass._ No words.

_Dick._ My dear _Brass_!

_Brass._ I insist.

_Dick._ My old friend.

_Brass._ _Dick Amlet_ [_Raising his voice._] I insist.

_Dick._ Ah the Cormorant----Well, 'tis thine: but thou'lt never thrive with it.

_Brass._ When I find it begins to do me mischief, I'll give it you again. But I must have a wedding-suit.

_Dick._ Well.

_Brass._ Some good lace.

_Dick._ Thou shalt.

_Brass._ A stock of linen.

_Dick._ Enough.

_Brass._ Not yet----a silver sword.

_Dick._ Well, thou shalt have that too. Now thou hast every thing.

_Brass._ God forgive me, I forgot a ring of remembrance; I wou'd not forget all these favours for the world: a sparkling diamond I will be always playing in my eye, and put me in mind of them.

_Dick._ This unconscionable rogue! [_Aside._] Well, I'll bespeak one for thee.

_Brass._ Brilliant.

_Dick._ It shall. But if the thing don't succeed after all?----

_Brass._ I'm a man of honour, and restore: and so the treaty being finish'd, I strike my flag of defiance, and fall into my respects again.

[_Taking off his hat._

_Enter ~Flippanta~._

_Flip._ I have made you wait a little, but I cou'd not help it, her master is but just gone. He has been shewing her Prince _Eugene_'s march into _Italy_.

_Dick._ Pr'ythee let me come to her, I'll shew her a part of the world he has never shewn her yet.

_Flip._ So I told her, you must know; and she said, she cou'd like to travel in good company: so if you'll slip up those back-stairs, you shall try if you can agree upon the journey.

_Dick._ My dear _Flippanta_!

_Flip._ None of your dear acknowledgments, I beseech you, but up stairs as hard as you can drive.

_Dick._ I'm gone.

[_Exit ~Dick~._

_Flip._ And do you follow him _Jack-a-dandy_, and see he is not surpriz'd.

_Brass._ I thought that was your post, Mrs. _Useful_: But if you'll come and keep me in humour, I don't care if I share the duty with you.

_Flip._ No words, sirrah, but follow him, I have somewhat else to do.

_Brass._ The jade's so absolute there's no contesting with her. One kiss tho' to keep the centinel warm. [_Gives her a long kiss._]----So.

[_Exit ~Brass~._

_~Flippanta~ sola._

----A nasty rogue [_Wiping her mouth._] But, let me see what have I to do now? This _restitution_ will be here quickly, I suppose; in the mean time I'll go know if my lady's ready for the quarrel yet. Master yonder is so full on't, he's ready to burst; but we'll give him vent by and by with a witness.

[_Exit ~Flip~._

+ACT+ IV.

+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_.

_Enter ~Corinna~, ~Dick~, and ~Brass~._

_Brass._ Don't fear, I'll give you timely notice.

[_Goes to the door._

_Dick._ Come, you must consent, you shall consent. How can you leave me thus upon the rack? a man who loves you to that excess that I do.

_Cor._ Nay, that you love me, Sir, that I'm satisfy'd in, for you have sworn you do: And I'm so pleas'd with it, I'd fain have you do so as long as you live, so we must never marry.

_Dick._ Not marry, my dear! why what's our love good for if we don't marry!

_Cor._ Ah----I'm afraid 'twill be good for little if we do.

_Dick._ Why do you think so?

_Cor._ Because I hear my father and mother, and my uncle and aunt, and _Araminta_ and her husband, and twenty other married folks, say so from morning to night.

_Dick._ Oh, that's because they are bad husbands and bad wives; but in our case there will be a good husband and a good wife, and so we shall love for ever.

_Cor._ Why there may be something in that truly; and I'm always willing to hear reason, as a reasonable young woman ought to do. But are you sure, Sir, tho' we are very good now, we shall be so when we come to be better acquainted?

_Dick._ I can answer for myself, at least.

_Cor._ I wish you cou'd answer for me too. You see I am a plain-dealer, Sir, I hope you don't like me the worse for it.

_Dick._ O, by no means, 'tis a sign of admirable morals; and I hope, since you practise it yourself, you'll approve of it in your lover. In one word, therefore, (for 'tis in vain to mince the matter) my resolution's fix'd, and the world can't stagger me, I marry----or I die.

_Cor._ Indeed, Sir, I have much ado to believe you; the disease of love is seldom so violent.

_Dick._ Madam, I have two diseases to end my miseries; If the first don't do't, the latter shall; [_Drawing his sword._] one's in my heart, t'other's in my scabbard.

_Cor._ Not for a diadem, [_Catching hold of him._] Ah, put it up, put it up.

_Dick._ How absolute is your command! [_Dropping his sword._] A word, you see, disarms me.

_Cor._ What a power I have over him! [_Aside._] The wondrous deeds of love!----Pray, Sir, let me have no more of these rash doings tho'; perhaps I mayn't be always in the saving humour----I'm sure if I had let him stick himself, I should have been envy'd by all the great ladies in the town.

[_Aside._

_Dick._ Well, madam, have I then your promise? you'll make me the happiest of mankind.

_Cor._ I don't know what to say to you; but I believe I had as good promise, for I find I shall certainly do't.

_Dick._ Then let us seal the contract thus.

[_Kisses her._

_Cor._ Um----he has almost taken away my breath: He kisses purely.

[_Aside._

_Dick._ Hark----somebody comes.

[_~Brass~ peeping in._

_Brass._ Gar there, the enemy----no, hold y'are safe, 'tis _Flippanta_.

_Enter ~Flippanta~._

_Flip._ Come, have you agreed the matter? If not, you must end it another time, for your father's in motion, so pray kiss and part.

_Cor._ That's sweet and sour. [_They kiss._] Adieu t'ye, Sir.

[_Exit ~Dick~ and ~Cor~._

_Enter ~Clarissa~._

_Clar._ Have you told him I'm at home, _Flippanta_?

_Flip._ Yes, Madam.

_Clar._ And that I'll see him?

_Flip._ Yes, that too: But here's news for you; I have just now receiv'd the restitution.

_Clar._ That's killing pleasure: and how much has he restor'd me?

_Flip._ Two hundred and thirty.

_Clar._ Wretched rogue! but retreat, your Master's coming to quarrel.

_Flip._ I'll be within call, if things run high.

[_Ex. ~Flip~._

_Enter ~Gripe~._

_Gripe._ O ho!----are you there, i'faith? Madam, your humble servant, I'm very glad to see you at home. I thought I should never have had that honour again.

_Clar._ Good-morrow, my dear, how d'ye do? _Flippanta_ says you are out of humour, and that you have a mind to quarrel with me: Is it true? ha!----I have a terrible pain in my head, I give you notice on't beforehand.

_Gripe._ And how the pox shou'd it be otherwise? It's a wonder you are not dead [_~as a' wou'd you were~, Aside._] with the life you lead. Are you not ashamed? And do you not blush to----

_Clar._ My dear child, you crack my brain; soften the harshness of your voice: say what thou wou't, but let it be in an agreeable tone----

_Gripe._ Tone, Madam, don't tell me of a tone----

_Clar._ O----if you will quarrel, do it with temperance; let it be all in cool blood, even and smooth, as if you were not moved with what you said; and then I'll hear you as if I were not mov'd with it neither.

_Gripe._ Had ever man such need of patience? Madam, Madam, I must tell you, Madam----

_Clar._ Another key, or I'll walk off.

_Gripe._ Don't provoke me.

_Clar._ Shall you be long, my dear, in your remonstrances?

_Gripe._ Yes, Madam, and very long.

_Clar._ If you would quarrel _en abrêgé_, I shou'd have a world of obligation to you.

_Gripe._ What I have to say, forsooth, is not to be expressed _en abrêgé_, my complaints are too numerous.

_Clar._ Complaints! of what my dear? have I ever given you subject of complaint, my life?

_Gripe._ O Pox! my dear and my life! I desire none of your _tendres_.

_Clar._ How! find fault with my kindness, and my expressions of affection and respect! the world will guess by this what the rest of your complaints may be. I must tell you, I am scandaliz'd at your procedure.

_Gripe._ I must tell you I am running mad with yours.

_Clar._ Ah! how insupportable are the humours of some husbands, so full of fancies, and so ungovernable: What have you in the world to disturb you?

_Gripe._ What have I to disturb me! I have you, Death and the Devil.

_Clar._ Ah, merciful heaven! how he swears! You should never accustom yourself to such words as these; indeed, my dear, you shou'd not; your mouth's always full of them.

_Gripe._ Blood and thunder! Madam----

_Clar._ Ah, he'll fetch the house down: Do you know you make me tremble for you? _Flippanta_! who's there? _Flippanta_!

_Gripe._ Here's a provoking devil for you!

_Enter ~Flippanta~._

_Flip._ What in the name of _Jove_'s the matter? you raise the neighbourhood.

_Clar._ Why here's your master in a most violent fuss, and no mortal soul can tell for what.

_Gripe._ Not tell for what!

_Clar._ No, my life. I have begged him to tell me his griefs, _Flippanta_; and then he swears, good Lord! how he does swear.

_Gripe._ Ah, you wicked jade! Ah, you wicked jade!

_Clar._ Do you hear him _Flippanta_! do you hear him!

_Flip._ Pray, Sir, let's know a little what puts you in all this fury?

_Clar._ Pr'ythee stand near me, _Flippanta_, there's an odd froth about his mouth, looks as if his poor head were going wrong, I'm afraid he'll bite.

_Gripe._ The wicked woman, _Flippanta_, the wicked woman.

_Clar._ Can any body wonder I shun my own house, when he treats me at this rate in it?

_Gripe._ At this rate! why in the devil's name----

_Clar._ Do you hear him again?

_Flip._ Come, a little moderation, Sir, and try what that will produce.

_Gripe._ Hang her, 'tis all a pretence to justify her going abroad.

_Clar._ A pretence! a pretence! Do you hear how black a charge he loads me with? Charges me with a pretence? Is this the return for all my downright open actions? You know, my dear, I scorn pretences: Whenever I go abroad, it is without pretence.

_Gripe._ Give me patience.

_Flip._ You have a great deal, Sir.

_Clar._ And yet he's never content, _Flippanta_.

_Gripe._ What shall I do?

_Clar._ What a reasonable man wou'd do; own your self in the wrong, and be quiet. Here's _Flippanta_ has understanding, and I have moderation; I'm willing to make her judge of our differences.

_Flip._ You do me a great deal of honour, Madam: but I tell you beforehand, I shall be a little on Master's side.

_Gripe._ Right, _Flippanta_ has sense. Come, let her decide. Have I not reason to be in a passion? tell me that.

_Clar._ You must tell her for what, my life.

_Gripe._ Why, for the trade you drive, my soul.

_Flip._ Look you, Sir, pray take things right. I know Madam does fret you a little now and then, that's true; but in the fund, she is the softest, sweetest, gentlest lady breathing: let her but live entirely to her own fancy, and she'll never say a word to you from morning to night.

_Gripe._ Oons, let her but stay at home, and she shall do what she will: in reason, that is.

_Flip._ D'ye hear that, Madam? nay, now I must be on master's side; you see how he loves you, he desires only your company, pray give him that satisfaction, or I must pronounce against you.

_Clar._ Well, I agree. Thou know'st I don't love to grieve him: let him be always in good humour, and I'll be always at home.

_Flip._ Look you there, Sir, what would you have more?

_Gripe._ Well, let her keep her word, and I'll have done quarrelling.

_Clar._ I must not, however, so far lose the merit of my consent, as to let you think I'm weary of going abroad, my dear: what I do is purely to oblige you; which, that I may be able to perform, without a relapse, I'll invent what ways I can to make my prison supportable to me.

_Flip._ Her prison! pretty bird! her prison! do'nt that word melt you, Sir?

_Gripe._ I must confess I did not expect to find her so reasonable.

_Flip._ O, Sir, soon or late wives come into good humour: husbands must only have a little patience to wait for it.

_Clar._ The innocent little diversions, dear, that I shall content myself with, will be chiefly play and company.

_Gripe._ O, I'll find you employment, your time shan't lie upon your hands, tho' if you have a mind now for such a companion as a----let me see----_Araminta_ for example, why I shan't be against her being with you from morning till nigh.

_Clar._ You can't oblige me more, 'tis the best woman in the world.

_Gripe._ Is not she?

_Flip._ Ah, the old satyr!

[_Aside._