Part 3

_For were I the thing call'd a wife, And my fool grew too fond of his pow'r, He shou'd look like an ass all his life, For a prank that I'd play him in an hour._

Tol lol la ra tol lol, _&c._--Do you observe that, Sir?

_Mon._ I do: and think you wou'd be in the right on't. But, pr'ythee, why dost not give this advice to thy mistress?

_Flip._ For fear it should go round to your wife, Sir, for you know they are play-fellows.

_Mon._ O, there's no danger of my wife; she knows I'm none of those husbands.

_Flip._ Are you sure she knows that, Sir?

_Mon._ I'm sure she ought to know it, _Flippanta_, for really I have but four faults in the world.

_Flip._ And, pray what may they be?

_Mon._ Why I'm a little slovenly, I shift but once a week.

_Flip._ Fough!

_Mon._ I am sometimes out of humour.

_Flip._ Provoking!

_Mon._ I don't give her so much money as she'd have.

_Flip._ Insolent!

_Mon._ And a----perhaps I mayn't be quite so young as I was.

_Flip._ The devil!

_Mon._ O, but then consider how 'tis on her side, _Flippanta_. She ruins me with washing, is always out of humour, ever wanting money, and will never be older.

_Flip._ That last article, I must confess, is a little hard upon you.

_Mon._ Ah, _Flippanta_, didst thou but know the daily provocations I have, thoud'st be the first to excuse my faults. But now I think on't----Thou art none of my friend, thou dost not love me at all; no, not at all.

_Flip._ And whither is this little reproach going to lead us now?

_Mon._ You have power over your fair mistress, _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ Sir!

_Mon._ But what then? You hate me.

_Flip._ I understand you not.

_Mon._ There's not a moment's trouble her naughty husband gives her, but I feel it too.

_Flip._ I don't know what you mean.

_Mon._ If she did but know what part I take in her sufferings----

_Flip._ Mighty obscure.

_Mon._ Well, I'll say no more; but----

_Flip._ All Hebrew.

_Mon._ If thou wou'dst but tell her on't.

_Flip._ Still darker and darker.

_Mon._ I should not be ungrateful.

_Flip._ Ah, now I begin to understand you.

_Mon._ _Flippanta_--there's my purse.

_Flip._ Say no more; now you explain, indeed----You are in love?

_Mon._ Bitterly--and I do swear by all the Gods----

_Flip._ Hold----Spare 'em for another time, you stand in no need of 'em now. A usurer that parts with his purse, gives sufficient proof of his sincerity.

_Mon._ I hate my wife, _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ That we'll take upon your bare word.

_Mon._ She's the devil, _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ You like your neighbour's better.

_Mon._ Oh!----an angel.

_Flip._ What pity it is the law don't allow trucking!

_Mon._ If it did, _Flippanta_!

_Flip._ But since it don't, Sir----keep the reins upon your passion: Don't let your flame rage too high, lest my lady shou'd be cruel, and it should dry you up to a mummy.

_Mon._ 'Tis impossible she can be so barbarous, to let me die. Alas, _Flippanta_, a very small matter wou'd save my life.

_Flip._ Then y'are dead--for we women never grant any thing to a man who will be satisfied with a little.

_Mon._ Dear _Flippanta_, that was only my modesty; but since you'll have it out----I am a very dragon; and so your lady'll find----if ever she thinks fit to be----Now I hope you'll stand my friend.

_Flip._ Well, Sir, as far as my credit goes, it shall be employ'd in your service.

_Mon._ My best _Flippanta_--tell her--I'm all hers--tell her--my body's hers--tell her--my soul's hers--and tell her--my estate's hers. Lord have mercy upon me, how I'm in love!

_Flip._ Poor man! what a sweat he's in! But hark--I hear my master; for heaven's sake compose yourself a little; you are in such a fit, o' my conscience he'll smell you out.

_Mon._ Ah dear, I'm in such an emotion, I dare not be seen; put me in this closet for a moment.

_Flip._ Closet, man! it's too little, your love wou'd stifle you. Go air yourself in the garden a little, you have need on't, i'faith.

[_She puts him out._

_~Flippanta~ sola._

A rare adventure, by my troth. This will be curious news to the wives. Fortune has now put their husbands into their hands, and I think they are too sharp to neglect its favours.

_Enter ~Gripe~._

_Gripe._ O, here's the right hand; the rest of the body can't be far off. Where's my wife, huswife?

_Flip._ An admirable question!----Why, she's gone abroad, Sir.

_Gripe._ Abroad, abroad, abroad already? Why, she uses to be stewing in her bed three hours after this time, as late as 'tis: What makes her gadding so soon?

_Flip._ Business, I suppose.

_Gripe._ Business! she has a pretty head for business truly: O ho, let her change her way of living, or I'll make her change a light heart for a heavy one.

_Flip._ And why would you have her change her way of living, Sir? You see it agrees with her. She never look'd better in her life.

_Gripe._ Don't tell me of her looks, I have done with her looks long since. But I'll make her change her life, or----

_Flip._ Indeed. Sir, you won't.

_Gripe._ Why, what shall hinder me, insolence?

_Flip._ That which hinders most husbands; contradiction.

_Gripe._ Suppose I resolve I won't be contradicted?

_Flip._ Suppose she resolves you shall?

_Gripe._ A wife's resolution is not good by law.

_Flip._ Nor a husband's by custom.

_Gripe._ I tell thee I will not bear it.

_Flip._ I tell you, Sir, you will bear it.

_Gripe._ Oons, I have borne it three years already.

_Flip._ By that you see 'tis but giving your mind to it.

_Gripe._ My mind to it! Death and the devil! My mind to it!

_Flip._ Look ye, Sir, you may swear and damn, and call the furies to assist you! but 'till you apply the remedy to the right place, you'll never cure the disease. You fancy you have got an extravagant wife, is't not so?

_Gripe._ Pr'ythee change me that word fancy, and it is so.

_Flip._ Why there's it. Men are strangely troubled with the vapours of late. You'll wonder now if I tell you, you have the most reasonable wife in town: And that all the disorders you think you see in her, are only here, here, here, in your own head.

[_Thumping his forehead._

_Gripe._ She is then, in thy opinion, a reasonable woman?

_Flip._ By my faith, I think so.

_Gripe._ I shall run mad--Name me an extravagance in the world she is not guilty of.

_Flip._ Name me an extravagance in the world she is guilty of.

_Gripe._ Come then: Does not she put the whole house in disorder?

_Flip._ Not that I know of, for she never comes into it but to sleep.

_Gripe._ 'Tis very well: Does she employ any one moment of her life in the government of her family?

_Flip._ She is so submissive a wife, she leaves it entirely to you.

_Gripe._ Admirable! Does she not spend more money in coach-hire, and chair-hire, than would maintain six children?

_Flip._ She's too nice of your credit to be seen daggling in the streets.

_Gripe._ Good! Do I set eye on her sometimes in a week together?

_Flip._ That, Sir, is because you are never stirring at the same time; you keep odd hours; you are always going to bed when she's rising, and rising just when she's coming to bed.

_Gripe._ Yes, truly, night into day, and day into night, bawdy-house play, that's her trade; but these are trifles: Has she not lost her diamond necklace? Answer me to that, Trapes.

_Flip._ Yes; and has sent as many tears after it, as if it had been her husband.

_Gripe._ Ah----the pox take her; but enough. 'Tis resolv'd, and I will put a stop to the course of her life, or I will put a stop to the course of her blood, and so she shall know, the first time I meet with her; [_Aside._] which tho' we are man and wife, and lie under one roof, 'tis very possible may not be this fortnight.

[_Exit ~Gripe~._

_~Flippanta~ sola._

Nay, thou hast a blessed time on't, that must be confess'd. What a miserable devil is a husband! Insupportable to himself, and a plague to every thing about them. Their wives do by them, as children do by dogs, teaze and provoke 'em, 'till they make them so curs'd, they snarl and bite at every thing that comes in their reach. This wretch here is grown perverse to that degree, he's for his wife's keeping home, and making hell of his house, so he may be the devil in it to torment her. How niggardly soever he is of all things he possesses, he is willing to purchase her misery at the expence of his own peace. But he'd as good be still, for he'll miss of his aim. If I know her (which I think I do) she'll set his blood in such a ferment, it shall bubble out at every pore of him; whilst hers is so quiet in her veins, her pulse shall go like a pendulum.

[_Exit._

+ACT+ III.

+SCENE+, _Mrs._ Amlet's _House_.

_Enter ~Dick~._

Where's this old woman?----A hey. What the devil, nobody at home? Ha! her strong box!----And the key in't! 'tis so. Now fortune be my friend. What the duce----Not a penny of money in cash!----Nor a chequer note!----Nor a Bank bill----[_Searching the strong box._]----Nor a crooked stick! Nor a----Mum----here's something----A diamond necklace, by all the Gods! Oons the old woman----Zest.

[_Claps the necklace in his pocket, then runs and asks her blessing._]

_Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._

----Pray mother, pray to, _&c._

_Aml._ Is it possible!----_Dick_ upon his humble knee! Ah my dear child!----May heaven be good unto thee.

_Dick._ I'm come, my dear mother, to pay my duty to you, and to ask your consent to----

_Aml._ What a shape is there!

_Dick._ To ask your consent, I say, to marry a great fortune; for what is riches in this world without a blessing? And how can there be a blessing without respect and duty to parents?

_Aml._ What a nose he has!

_Dick._ And therefore it being the duty of every good child not to dispose of himself in marriage, without the----

_Aml._ Now the Lord love thee [_Kissing him._]----for thou art a goodly young man: Well, Dick----And how goes it with the lady? Are her eyes open to thy charms? Does she see what's for her own good? Is she sensible of the blessings thou hast in store for her? Ha! is all sure? Hast thou broke a piece of money with her? Speak, bird, do: Don't be modest, and hide thy love from thy mother, for I'm an indulgent parent.

_Dick._ Nothing under heaven can prevent my good fortune, but its being discover'd I'm your son----

_Aml._ Then thou art still asham'd of thy natural mother.--Graceless! Why, I'm no whore, sirrah.

_Dick._ I know you are not----A whore! Bless us all----

_Aml._ No; My reputation's as good as the best of 'em; and tho' I'm old, I'm chaste, you rascal you.

_Dick._ Lord, that is not the thing we talk of, mother; but----

_Aml._ I think, as the world goes, they may be proud of marrying their daughter into a vartuous family.

_Dick._ Oons, vartue is not the case----

_Aml._ Where she may have a good example before her eyes.

_Dick._ O Lord! O Lord! O Lord!

_Aml._ I'm a woman that don't so much as encourage an incontinent look towards me.

_Dick._ I tell you, 'sdeath, I tell you----

_Aml._ If a man shou'd make an uncivil motion to me, I'd spit in his lascivious face: And all this you may tell them, sirrah.

_Dick._ Death and furies! the woman's out of her--

_Aml._ Don't you swear, you rascal you, don't you swear; we shall have thee damn'd at last, and then I shall be disgrac'd.

_Dick._ Why then in cold blood hear me speak to you: I tell you it's a city-fortune I'm about, she cares not a fig for your virtue; she'll hear of nothing but quality: She has quarrell'd with one of her friends for having a better complexion, and is resolved she'll marry, to take place of her.

_Aml._ What a cherry lip is there!

_Dick._ Therefore, good dear mother, now have a care and don't discover me; for if you do, all's lost.

_Aml._ Dear, dear, how thy fair bride will be delighted: Go, get thee gone, go: Go fetch her home, go fetch her home; I'll give her a sack-posset, and a pillow of down she shall lay her head upon. Go fetch her home, I say.

_Dick._ Take care then of the main chance, my dear mother; remember, if you discover me----

_Aml._ Go, fetch her home, I say.

_Dick._ You promise me then----

_Aml._ March.

_Dick._ But swear to me----

_Aml._ Be gone, sirrah.

_Dick._ Well, I'll rely upon you--But one kiss before I go.

[_Kisses her heartily, and runs off._

_Aml._ Now the Lord love thee! for thou art a comfortable young man.

[_Exit Mrs. ~Amlet~._

+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_.

_Enter ~Corinna~ and ~Flippanta~._

_Cor._ But hark you, _Flippanta_, if you don't think he loves me dearly, don't give him my letter, after all.

_Flip._ Let me alone.

_Cor._ When he has read it, let him give it you again.

_Flip._ Don't trouble yourself.

_Cor._ And not a word of the pudding to my mother-in-law.

_Flip._ Enough.

_Cor._ When we come to love one another to the purpose, she shall know all.

_Flip._ Ay, then 'twill be time.

_Cor._ But remember 'tis you make me do all this now, so if any mischief comes on't, 'tis you must answer for't.

_Flip._ I'll be your security.

_Cor._ I'm young, and know nothing of the matter; but you have experience, so it's your business to conduct me safe.

_Flip._ Poor innocence!

_Cor._ But tell me in serious sadness, _Flippanta_, does he love me with the very soul of him?

_Flip._ I have told you so an hundred times, and yet you are not satisfied.

_Cor._ But, methinks, I'd fain have him tell me so himself.

_Flip._ Have patience, and it shall be done.

_Cor._ Why, patience is a virtue; that we must all confess----But I fancy, the sooner it's done the better, _Flippanta_.

_Enter ~Jessamin~._

_Jess._ Madam, yonder's your Geography-Master waiting for you.

[_Exit._

_Cor._ Ah! how I am tir'd with these old fumbling fellows, _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ Well, don't let 'em break your heart, you shall be rid of them all ere long.

_Cor._ Nay, 'tis not the study I'm so weary of, _Flippanta_, 'tis the odious thing that teaches me. Were the Colonel my master, I fancy I could take pleasure in learning every thing he could shew me.

_Flip._ And he can shew you a great deal, I can tell you that. But get you gone in, here's somebody coming, we must not be seen together.

_Cor._ I will, I will, I will----O the dear Colonel.

[_Running off._

_Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._

_Flip._ O ho, it's Mrs. _Amlet_----What brings you so soon to us again, Mrs. _Amlet_?

_Aml._ Ah! my dear Mrs. _Flippanta_, I'm in a furious fright.

_Flip._ Why, what's come to you?

_Aml._ Ah! Mercy on us all----Madam's diamond necklace----

_Flip._ What of that?

_Aml._ Are you sure you left it at my house?

_Flip._ Sure I left it! a very pretty question truly!

_Aml._ Nay, don't be angry; say nothing to madam of it, I beseech you: It will be found again, if it be heaven's good will. At least 'tis I must bear the loss on't. 'Tis my rogue of a son has laid his birdlime fingers on't.

_Flip._ Your son, Mrs. _Amlet_! Do you breed your children up to such tricks as these then?

_Aml._ What shall I say to you, Mrs. _Flippanta_? Can I help it? He has been a rogue from his cradle, _Dick_ has. But he has his deserts too. And now it comes in my head, mayhap he may have no ill design in this neither.

_Flip._ No ill design, woman! He's a pretty fellow if he can steal a diamond necklace with a good one.

_Aml._ You don't know him, Mrs. _Flippanta_, so well as I that bore him. _Dick_'s a rogue, 'tis true, but----Mum----

_Flip._ What does the woman mean?

_Aml._ Hark you, Mrs. _Flippanta_, is not here a young gentlewoman in your house that wants a husband?

_Flip._ Why do you ask?

_Aml._ By way of conversation only, it does not concern me; but when she marries I may chance to dance at the wedding. Remember I tell you so: I who am but Mrs. _Amlet_.

_Flip._ You dance at her wedding! you!

_Aml._ Yes, I, I; but don't trouble madam about her necklace, perhaps it mayn't go out of the family. Adieu, Mrs. _Flippanta_.

[_Exit Mrs. ~Amlet~._

_Flip._ What--what--what does the woman mean? Mad! What a capilotade of a story's here? The necklace lost; and her son Dick; and a fortune to marry; and she shall dance at the wedding; and----She does not intend, I hope, to propose a match between her son _Dick_ and _Corinna_! By my conscience I believe she does. An old beldam!

_Enter ~Brass~._

_Brass._ Well, hussy, how stand our affairs? Has miss writ us an answer yet? My master's very impatient yonder.

_Flip._ And why the duce does he not come himself? What does he send such idle fellows as thee of his errands? Here I had her alone just now: He won't have such an opportunity again this month, I can tell him that.

_Brass._ So much the worse for him; 'tis his business----But now, my dear, let thee and I talk a little of our own: I grow most damnably in love with thee; dost hear that?

_Flip._ Phu! thou art always timeing things wrong; my head is full, at present, of more important things than love.

_Brass._ Then it's full of important things indeed: Dost want a privy-counsellor?

_Flip._ I want an assistant.

_Brass._ To do what?

_Flip._ Mischief.

_Brass._ I'm thy man----touch.

_Flip._ But before I venture to let thee into my project, pr'ythee tell me, whether thou find'st a natural disposition to ruin a husband to oblige his wife?

_Brass._ Is she handsome?

_Flip._ Yes.

_Brass._ Why then my disposition's at her service.

_Flip._ She's beholden to thee.

_Brass._ Not she alone neither, therefore don't let her grow vain upon't; for I have three or four affairs of that kind going at this time.

_Flip._ Well, go carry this epistle from miss to thy master; and when thou com'st back, I'll tell thee thy business.

_Brass._ I'll know it before I go, if you please.

_Flip._ Thy master waits for an answer.

_Brass._ I'd rather he should wait than I.

_Flip._ Why then, in short, _Araminta_'s husband is in love with my lady.

_Brass._ Very well, child, we have a _Rowland_ for her _Oliver_: Thy lady's husband is in love with _Araminta_.

_Flip._ Who told you that, sirrah?

_Brass._ 'Tis a negociation I am charged with, Pert. Did not I tell thee I did business for half the town? I have managed Master _Gripe_'s little affairs for him these ten years, you slut you.

_Flip._ Hark thee, _Brass_, the game's in our hands, if we can but play the cards.

_Brass._ Pique and repique, you jade you, if the wives will fall into a good intelligence.

_Flip._ Let them alone; I'll answer for them they don't slip the occasion.----See here they come. They little think what a piece of good news we have for 'em.

_Enter ~Clarissa~ and ~Araminta~._

_Clar._ _Jessamin_! here, boy, carry up these things into my dressing-room, and break as many of them by the way as you can, be sure.----O! art thou there, _Brass_! What news?

_Brass._ Madam, I only call'd in as I was going by----But some little propositions Mrs. _Flippanta_ has been starting have kept me here to offer your ladyship my humble service.

_Clar._ What propositions?

_Brass._ She'll acquaint you, madam.

_Aram._ Is there any thing new, _Flippanta_?

_Flip._ Yes, and pretty too.

_Clar._ That follows of course, but let's have it quick.

_Flip._ Why, Madam, you have made a conquest.

_Clar._ Hussy----But of who? quick.

_Flip._ Of Mr. _Money-trap_, that's all.

_Aram._ My husband?

_Flip._ Yes, your husband, Madam: You thought fit to corrupt ours, so now we are even with you.

_Aram._ Sure thou art in jest, _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ Serious as my devotions.

_Brass._ And the cross intrigue, ladies, is what our brains have been at work about.

_Aram._ My dear!

[_To ~Clarissa~._

_Clar._ My life!

_Aram._ My angel!

_Clar._ My soul!

[_Hugging one another._

_Aram._ The stars have done this.

_Clar._ The pretty little twinklers.

_Flip._ And what will you do for them now?

_Clar._ What grateful creatures ought; shew 'em we don't despise their favours.

_Aram._ But is not this a wager between these two blockheads?

_Clar._ I would not give a shilling to go the winner's halves.

_Aram._ Then 'tis the most fortunate thing that ever cou'd have happen'd.

_Clar._ All your last night's ideas, _Araminta_, were trifles to it.

_Aram._ _Brass_, my dear, will be useful to us.

_Brass._ At your service, Madam.

_Clar._ _Flippanta_ will be necessary, my life!

_Flip._ She waits your commands, Madam.

_Aram._ For my part then, I recommend my husband to thee, _Flippanta_, and make it my earnest request thou won't leave him one half-crown.

_Flip._ I'll do all I can to obey you, Madam.

_Brass._ [_To ~Clarissa~._] If your ladyship wou'd give me the same kind orders for yours.

_Clar._ O----if thou spar'st him, _Brass_, I'm thy enemy till I die.

_Brass._ 'Tis enough, Madam, I'll be sure to give you a reasonable account of him. But how do you intend we shall proceed, ladies? Must we storm the purse at once, or break ground in form, and carry it by little and little?

_Clar._ Storm, dear _Brass_, storm: ever whilst you live, storm.

_Aram._ O by all means; must it not be so, _Flippanta_?

_Flip._ In four and twenty hours, two hundred pounds a-piece, that's my sentence.

_Brass._ Very well. But, ladies, you'll give me leave to put you in mind of some little expence in favours, 'twill be necessary you are at, to these honest gentlemen.

_Aram._ Favours, _Brass_!

_Brass._ Um----a----some small matters, Madam, I doubt must be.

_Clar._ Now that's a vile article, _Araminta_; for that thing your husband is so like mine----

_Flip._ Phu, there's a scruple, indeed. Pray, Madam, don't be so squeamish; tho' the meat be a little flat, we'll find you savoury sauce to it.

_Clar._ This wench is so mad.

_Flip._ Why, what in the name of _Lucifer_, is it you have to do, that's so terrible?

_Brass._ A civil look only.

_Aram._ There's no great harm in that.

_Flip._ An obliging word.

_Clar._ That one may afford 'em.

_Brass._ A little smile, _a propos_.

_Aram._ That's but giving one's self an air.

_Flip._ Receive a little letter, perhaps.

_Clar._ Women of quality do that from fifty odious fellows.

_Brass._ Suffer, may be, a squeeze by the hand.

_Aram._ One's so us'd to that, one does not feel it.

_Flip._ Or if a kiss wou'd do't?

_Clar._ I'd die first.

_Brass._ Indeed, ladies, I doubt 'twill be necessary to--

_Clar._ Get their wretched money without paying so dear for it.

_Flip._ Well, just as you please for that, my ladies: But I suppose you'll play upon the square with your favours, and not pique yourselves upon being one more grateful than another.

_Brass._ And state a fair account of receipts and disbursements.

_Aram._ That I think should be, indeed.

_Clar._ With all my heart, and _Brass_ shall be our book-keeper. So get thee to work, man, as fast as thou canst: but not a word of all this to my master.

_Brass._ I'll observe my orders, Madam.

[_Exit ~Brass~._

_Clar._ I'll have the pleasure of telling him myself; he'll be violently delighted with it: 'tis the best man in the world, _Araminta_; he'll bring us rare company to-morrow, all sorts of gamesters; and thou shalt see my husband will be such a beast to be out of humour at it.

_Aram._ The monster----But hush, here's my dear approaching; pr'ythee let's leave him to _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ Ah, pray do, I'll bring you a good account of him, I'll warrant you.

_Clar._ Dispatch then, for the basset-table's in haste.

[_Exit ~Clar.~ and ~Aram.~_

_~Flippanta~ sola._

So, now have at him; here he comes: We'll try if we can pillage the usurer, as he does other folks.

_Enter ~Money-trap~._

_Mon._ Well, my pretty _Flippanta_, is thy mistress come home?

_Flip._ Yes, Sir.

_Mon._ And where is she, pr'ythee?

_Flip._ Gone abroad, Sir.

_Mon._ How dost mean?

_Flip._ I mean right, Sir; my lady'll come home and go abroad ten times in an hour, when she's either in very good humour, or very bad.

_Mon._ Good lack! But I'll warrant, in general, 'tis her naughty husband that makes her house uneasy to her. But hast thou said a little something to her, chicken, for an expiring lover? ha!

_Flip._ Said----yes, I have said, much good may it do me.