Part 21

Sir _Fran._ Why, truly, Mrs. _Motherly_, they don't do right with us country gentlemen; to lose one meal out of three, is a hard tax upon a good stomach.

_Moth._ It is so indeed, Sir.

Sir _Fran._ But, hawsomever, Mrs. _Motherly_, when we consider, that what we suffer is for the good of our country----

_Moth._ Why truly, Sir, that is something.

Sir _Fran._ Oh! there's a great deal to be said for't--the good of one's country is above all things----A true hearted _Englishman_ thinks nothing too much for it----I have heard of some honest gentlemen so very zealous, that for the good of their country----they would sometimes go to dinner at midnight.

_Moth._ O! the goodness of 'em! sure their country must have vast esteem for them?

Sir _Fran._ So they have Mrs. _Motherly_; they are so respected when they come home to their Boroughs, after a session, and so belov'd----that their country will come and dine with them every day in the week.

_Moth._ Dear me! what a fine thing it is to be so populous?

Sir _Fran._ It is a great comfort, indeed! and I can assure you you are a good sensible woman, Mrs. _Motherly_.

_Moth._ O dear Sir, your Honour's pleas'd to compliment.

Sir _Fran._ No, no, I see you know how to value people of consequence.

_Moth._ Good lack! here's company, Sir; will you give me leave to get you a little something 'till the ladies come home, Sir?

Sir _Fran._ Why troth, I don't think it would be amiss.

_Moth._ It shall be done in a moment, Sir.

[_Exit._

_Enter Mr. ~Manly~._

_Man._ Sir _Francis_, your servant.

Sir _Fran._ Cousin _Manly_!

_Man._ I am come to see how the family goes on here.

Sir _Fran._ Troth! all as busy as bees; I have been upon the wing ever since eight o'clock this morning.

_Man._ By your early hour, then, I suppose you have been making your court to some of the great men.

Sir _Fran._ Why, faith! you have hit it, Sir----I was advised to lose no time: so I e'en went straight forward, to one great man I had never seen in my life before.

_Man._ Right! that was doing business: but who had you got to introduce you?

Sir _Fran._ Why, no body----I remember'd I had heard a wise man say--My son be bold--so troth! I introduced myself.

_Man._ As how, pray?

Sir _Fran._ Why, thus----look ye----please your Lordship, says I, I am Sir _Francis Wronghead_ of _Bumper-hall_, and member of Parliament for the borough of _Guzzledown_----Sir, your humble servant, says my Lord; thof I have not the honour to know your person, I have heard you are a very honest gentleman, and am glad your Borough has made choice of so worthy a representative; and so, says he, Sir _Francis_, have you any service to command me? Naw, cousin! those last words, you may be sure gave me no small encouragement. And thof I know, Sir, you have no extraordinary opinion of my parts, yet I believe, you won't say I mist it naw!

_Man._ Well, I hope I shall have no cause.

Sir _Fran._ So when I found him so courteous----My Lord, says I, I did not think to ha' troubled your Lordship with business upon my first visit: but since your Lordship is pleas'd not to stand upon ceremony----why truly, says I, I think naw is as good as another time.

_Man._ Right! there you push'd him home.

Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay, I had a mind to let him see that I was none of your mealy-mouth'd ones.

_Man._ Very good!

Sir _Fran._ So in short, my Lord, says I, I have a good estate----but----a----it's a little awt at elbows: and as I desire to serve my King, as well as my country, I shall be very willing to accept of a place at Court.

_Man._ So, this was making short work on't.

Sir _Fran._ I'cod! I shot him flying, cousin: some of your hawf-witted ones naw, would ha' humm'd and haw'd, and dangled a month or two after him, before they durst open their mouths about a place, and mayhap, not ha' got it at last neither.

_Man._ Oh! I'm glad you're so sure on't----

Sir _Fran._ You shall hear, cousin----Sir _Francis_, says my Lord, pray what sort of a place may you ha' turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, beggars must not be chusers; but ony a place, says I, about a thousand a year, will be well enough to be doing with 'till something better falls in--for I thowght it would not look well to stond haggling with him at first.

_Man._ No, no, your business was to get footing any way.

Sir _Fran._ Right! there's it! ay, cousin, I see you know the world!

_Man._ Yes, yes, one sees more of it every day----well! but what said my Lord to all this?

Sir _Fran._ Sir _Francis_, says he, I shall be glad to serve you any way that lies in my power; so gave me a squeeze by the hond, as much as to say, give yourself no trouble----I'll do your business; with that he turn'd him abawt to somebody with a coloured ribbon across here, that look'd in my thowghts, as if he came for a place too.

_Man._ Ha! so, upon these hopes, you are to make your fortune!

Sir _Fran._ Why, do you think there's ony doubt of it, Sir?

_Man._ Oh no, I have not the least doubt about it----for just as you have done, I made my fortune ten years ago.

Sir _Fran._ Why, I never knew you had a place, cousin.

_Man._ Nor I neither, upon my faith, cousin. But you perhaps may have better fortune: for I suppose my Lord has heard of what importance you were in the debate to-day----You have been since down at the house, I presume?

Sir _Fran._ O yes! I would not neglect the house, for ever so much.

_Man._ Well, and pray what have they done there?

Sir _Fran._ Why, troth! I can't well tell you, what they have done, but I can tell you what I did: and I think pretty well in the main; only I happened to make a little mistake at last indeed.

_Man._ How was that?

Sir _Fran._ Why, they were all got there, into a sort of a puzzling debate, about the good of the nation----and I were always for that, you know----but in short, the arguments were so long winded o' both sides, that, waunds! I did no well understand 'em, hawsomever, I was convinc'd, and so resolved to vote right, according to my conscience----so when they came to put the question, as they call it,----I don't know haw 'twas----but I doubt I cry'd ay! when I should ha' cry'd no!

_Man._ How came that about?

Sir _Fran._ Why, by a mistake, as I tell you----for there was a good-humour'd sort of a gentleman, one Mr. _Totherside_ I think they call him, that sat next me, as soon as I had cry'd ay! gives me a hearty shake by the hand! Sir says he, you are a man of honour, and a true _Englishman_! and I should be proud to be better acquainted with you----and so with that, he takes me by the sleeve, along with the crowd into the lobby, so, I knew nowght----but ods-flesh! I was got o' the wrung side the post--for I were told, afterwards, I should have staid where I was.

_Man._ And so, if you had not quite made your fortune before, you have clench'd it now!----Ah! thou head of the _Wrongheads_.

Sir _Fran._ Odso! here's my lady come home at last----I hope, cousin, you will be so kind, as to take a family supper with us?

_Man._ Another time, Sir _Francis_; but to-night I am engaged!

_Enter Lady ~Wronghead~, Miss ~Jenny~, and Count ~Basset~._

Lady _Wrong._ Cousin! your servant; I hope you will pardon my rudeness: but we have really been in such a continual hurry here, that we have not had a leisure moment to return your last visit.

_Man._ O Madam! I am a man of no ceremony; you see that has not hindered my coming again.

Lady _Wrong._ You are infinitely obliging; but I'll redeem my credit with you.

_Man._ At your own time, Madam.

Count _Bas._ I must say that for Mr. _Manly_, madam; if making people easy is the rule of good-breeding, he is certainly the best bred man in the world.

_Man._ Soh! I am not to drop my acquaintance, I find--[_Aside._] I am afraid, Sir, I shall grow vain upon your good opinion.

Count _Bas._ I don't know that, Sir; but I am sure, what you are pleas'd to say, makes me so.

_Man._ The most impudent modesty that ever I met with.

[_Aside._

Lady _Wrong._ Lard! how ready his wit is?

[_Aside._

Sir _Fran._ Don't you think, Sir, the Count's } a very fine gentleman? } } _Man._ O! among the ladies, certainly. } } Sir _Fran._ And yet he's as stout as a lion: } _Apart._ waund, he'll storm any thing. } } _Man._ Will he so? Why then, Sir, take } care of your citadel. } } Sir _Fran._ Ah! you are wag, cousin. }

_Man._ I hope, Ladies, the town air continues to agree with you?

_Jenny._ O! perfectly well, Sir! We have been abroad in our new coach all day long----and we have bought an ocean of fine things. And to-morrow we go to the masquerade! and on Friday to the play! and on Saturday to the opera! and on Sunday we are to be at what d'ye call it--assembly, and see the ladies play at quadrille, and piquet and ombre, and hazard, and basset, and on _Monday_, we are to see the King! and so on _Tuesday_----

Lady _Wrong._ Hold, hold, Miss! you must not let your tongue run so fast, child----you forgot! you know I brought you hither to learn modesty.

_Man._ Yes, yes! and she is improved with a vengeance--

[_Aside._

_Jenny._ Lawrd! Mama, I am sure I did not say any harm! and if one must not speak in ones turn, one may be kept under as long as one lives, for ought I see.

Lady _Wrong._ O! my conscience, this girl grows so headstrong----

Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay, there's your fine growing spirit for you! Now tack it dawn, an' you can.

_Jenny._ All I said, Papa, was only to entertain my cousin _Manly_.

_Man._ My pretty dear, I am mightily obliged to you.

_Jenny._ Look you there now, Madam.

Lady _Wrong._ Hold your tongue, I say.

_Jenny._ [_Turning away and glowting._] I declare it, I won't bear it: she is always snubbing me before you, Sir!----I know why she does it well enough----

[_Aside to the Count._

Count _Bas._ Hush! hush, my dear! don't be uneasy at that! she'll suspect us.

[_Aside._

_Jenny._ Let her suspect, what do I care----I don't know, but I have as much reason to suspect, as she--tho' perhaps I'm not so afraid of her.

Count _Bas._ [_Aside._] I'gad, if I don't keep a tight hand on my tit here, she'll run away with my project before I can bring it to bear.

Lady _Wrong._ [_Aside._] Perpetually hanging upon him! The young harlot is certainly in love with him; but I must not let them see I think so----and yet I can't bear it: Upon my life, Count, you'll spoil that forward girl----you should not encourage her so.

Count _Bas._ Pardon me, Madam, I was only advising her to observe what your Ladyship said to her.

_Man._ Yes, truly, her observations have been something particular.

[_Aside._

Count _Bas._ In one word, Madam, she has a } jealousy of your Ladyship, and I am forc'd to } encourage her, to blind it; 'twill be better to } take no notice of her behaviour to me. } } Lady _Wrong._ You are right, I will be more } cautious. } _Apart._ } Count _Bas._ To-morrow at the masquerade, } we may lose her. } } Lady _Wrong._ We shall be observ'd. I'll send } you a note, and settle that affair----go on } with the girl, and don't mind me. }

Count _Bas._ I have been taking your part, my little angel.

Lady _Wrong._ _Jenny_! come hither, child----you must not be so hasty my dear----I only advise you for your good.

_Jenny._ Yes, Mama; but when I am told of a thing before company it always makes me worse, you know.

_Man._ If I have any skill in the fair sex; Miss, and her Mama, have only quarrel'd, because they are both of a mind. This facetious Count seems to have made a very genteel step into the family.

[_Aside._

_Enter ~Myrtilla~._ [_~Manly~ talks apart with her._]

Lady _Wrong._ Well, Sir _Francis_, and what news have you brought us from _Westminster_, to-day?

Sir _Fran._ News, Madam? I'cod! I have some----and such as does not come every day, I can tell you----a word in your ear----I have got a promise of a place at Court of a thousand pawnd a year already.

Lady _Wrong._ Have you so, Sir? And pray who may you thank for't? Now! who is in the right? Is not this better than throwing so much away, after a stinking pack of fox-hounds, in the country? Now your family may be the better for it!

Sir _Fran._ Nay! that's what persuaded me to come up, my Dove.

Lady _Wrong._ Mighty well--come----let me have another hundred pound then.

Sir _Fran._ Another! child? Waunds! you have had one hundred this morning, pray what's become of that, my dear?

Lady _Wrong._ What's become of it? why I'll shew you, my Love! Jenny! have you the bills about you?

_Jenny._ Yes, Mama.

Lady _Wrong._ What's become of it? Why laid out, my dear, with fifty more to it, that I was forced to borrow of the Count here.

_Jenny._ Yes, indeed, Papa, and that would hardly do neither--There's th' account.

Sir _Fran._ [_Turning over the bills._] Let's see! let's see! what the devil have we got here?

_Man._ Then you have sounded your aunt you } say, and she readily comes into all I propos'd } to you? } } _Myr._ Sir, I'll answer, with my life, she is } most thankfully yours in every article: she } mightily desires to see you, Sir. } _Apart._ } _Man._ I am going home directly; bring } her to my house in half an hour; and if she } makes good what you tell me, you shall both } find your account in it. } } _Myr._ She shall not fail you. }

Sir _Fran._ Ods-life, Madam, here's nothing but toys and trinkets, and fans, and clock stockings, by whole-sale.

Lady _Wrong._ There's nothing but what's proper, and for your credit, Sir _Francis_----Nay you see I am so good a housewife, that in necessaries for myself I have scarce laid out a shilling.

Sir _Fran._ No, by my troth, so it seems; for the devil o' one thing's here, that I can see you have any occasion for!

Lady _Wrong._ My dear! do you think I came hither to live out of the fashion? why, the greatest distinction of a fine lady in this town is in the variety of pretty things she has no occasion for.

_Jenny._ Sure, Papa, could you imagine, that women of quality wanted nothing but stays and petticoats?

Lady _Wrong._ Now, that is so like him!

_Man._ So! the family comes on finely.

[_Aside._

Lady _Wrong._ Lard, if men were always to govern, what dowdies would they reduce their wives to!

Sir _Fran._ An hundred pound in the morning, and want another before night! waunds and fire! the Lord Mayor of London could not hold it at this rate!

_Man._ O! do you feel it, Sir?

[_Aside._

Lady _Wrong._ My dear, you seem uneasy; let me have the hundred pound, and compose yourself.

Sir _Fran._ Compose the devil, Madam! why do you consider what a hundred pound a day comes to in a year?

Lady _Wrong._ My life, if I account with you from one day to another, that's really all my head is able to bear at a time----But I'll tell you what I consider----I consider that my advice has got you a thousand pound a year this morning----That now methinks you might consider, Sir.

Sir _Fran._ A thousand a year? wounds, madam, but I have not touch'd a penny of it yet!

_Man._ Nor ever will, I'll answer for him.

[_Aside._

_Enter Squire ~Richard~._

Squ. _Rich._ Feyther an you doan't come quickly, the meat will be coal'd: and I'd fain pick a bit with you.

Lady _Wrong._ Bless me, Sir _Francis!_ you are not going to sup by yourself!

Sir _Fran._ No, but I am going to dine by myself, and that's pretty near the matter, Madam.

Lady _Wrong._ Had not you as good stay a little, my dear? we shall all eat in half an hour; and I was thinking to ask my cousin _Manly_ to take a family morsel with us.

Sir _Fran._ Nay, for my cousin's good company, I don't care if I ride a day's journey without baiting.

_Man._ By no means, Sir _Francis_. I am going upon a little business.

Sir _Fran._ Well, Sir, I know you don't love compliments.

_Man._ You'll excuse me, Madam----

Lady _Wrong._ Since you have business, Sir----

[_Exit ~Manly~._

_Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~._

O, Mrs. _Motherly_! you were saying this morning, you had some very fine lace to shew me----can't I see it now?

[_Sir ~Francis~ stares._

_Moth._ Why, really Madam, I had made a sort of a promise to let the Countess of _Nicely_ have the first sight of it for the birth-day: but your Ladyship----

Lady _Wrong._ O! I die if I don't see it before her.

Squ. _Rich._ Woan't you goa; Feyther? } } Sir _Fran._ Waunds! lad, I shall ha' noa } _Apart._ stomach at this rate! }

_Moth._ Well, Madam, though I say it, 'tis the sweetest pattern that ever came over----and for fineness----no cobweb comes up to it!

Sir _Fran._ Ods guts and gizard, Madam! lace as fine as a cobweb! why, what the devil's that to cost now?

_Moth._ Nay, Sir _Francis_ does not like of it, Madam----

Lady _Wrong._ He like it! dear Mrs. Motherly, he is not to wear it.

Sir _Fran._ Flesh, Madam, but I suppose I am to pay for it.

Lady _Wrong._ No doubt on't! think of your thousand a year, and who got it you, go! eat your dinner, and be thankful, go. [_Driving him to the door._] Come, Mrs. _Motherly_.

[_Exit Lady ~Wronghead~ with Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Sir _Fran._ Very fine! so here I mun fast, 'till I am almost famished for the good of my country; while Madam is laying me out an hundred pounds a day in lace as fine as a cobweb, for the honour of my family! ods-flesh; things had need go well at this rate!

Squ. _Rich._ Nay, nay----come, feyther.

[_Exit Sir ~Francis~._

_Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~._

_Moth._ Madam, my Lady desires you and the Count will please to come and assist her fancy in some of the laces.

Count _Bas._ We'll wait upon her--

[_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._

_Jenny._ So! I told you how it was! you see she can't bear to leave us together.

Count _Bas._ No matter, my dear: you know she has ask'd me to stay supper: so when your papa and she are a-bed, Mrs. _Myrtilla_ will let me into the house again; then you may steal into her chamber, and we'll have a pretty sneaker of punch together.

_Myr._ Ay, ay, Madam, you may command me any thing.

_Jenny._ Well! that will be pure!

Count _Bas._ But you had best go to her alone, my life: it will look better if I come after you.

_Jenny._ Ay, so it will: and to-morrow you know at the masquerade. And then!----hey! _Oh, I'll have a husband! ay, marry_, &c.

[_Exit singing._

_Myr._ So, Sir! am not I very _commode_ to you?

Count _Bas._ Well, child, and don't you find your account in it? did not I tell you we might still be of use to one another?

_Myr._ Well, but how stands your affair with Miss, in the main?

Count _Bas._ O she's mad for the masquerade! it drives like a nail, we want nothing now but a parson, to clinch it. Did not your aunt say she could get one at a short warning?

_Myr._ Yes, yes, my Lord _Townly_'s chaplain is her cousin, you know; he'll do your business and mine, at the same time.

Count _Bas._ O! it's true! but where shall we appoint him?

_Myr._ Why, you know my Lady _Townly_'s house is always open to the masques upon a ball-night, before they go to the _Hay-market_.

Count _Bas._ Good.

_Myr._ Now the Doctor purposes, we should all come thither in our habits, and when the rooms are full, we may steal up into his chamber, he says, and there----crack----he'll give us all canonical commission to go to bed together.

Count _Bas._ Admirable! Well, the devil fetch me, if I shall not be heartily glad to see thee well settled, child.

_Myr._ And may the black gentleman tuck me under his arm at the same time, if I shall not think myself oblig'd to you, as long as I live.

Count _Bas._ One kiss for old acquaintance sake----I'gad I shall want to be busy again!

_Myr._ O you'll have one shortly will find you employment: but I must run to my squire.

Count _Bas._ And I to the ladies----so your humble servant, sweet Mrs. _Wronghead_.

_Myr._ Yours, as in duty bound, most noble Count _Basset_.

[_Exit ~Myr~._

Count _Bas._ Why ay! Count! That title has been of some use to me indeed! not that I have any more pretence to it, than I have to a blue ribband. Yet, I have made a pretty considerable figure in life with it: I have loll'd in my own chariot, dealt at assemblies, din'd with Ambassadors, and made one at quadrille, with the first women of quality----But----_Tempora mutantur_----since that damn'd squadron at _White_'s have left me out of their last secret, I am reduced to trade upon my own stock of industry, and make my last push upon a wife: if my card comes up right (which I think can't fail) I shall once more cut a figure, and cock my hat in the face of the best of them! for since our modern men of fortune are grown wise enough to be sharpers: I think sharpers are fools that don't take up the airs of men of quality.

[_Exit._

+ACT+ V. +SCENE+ I.

+SCENE+, _Lord_ Townly's _House_.

_Enter ~Manly~ and Lady ~Grace~._

_Man._ There's something, Madam, hangs upon your mind, to-day: is it unfit to trust me with it?

Lady _Grace._ Since you will know----my sister then----unhappy woman!

_Man._ What of her?

Lady _Grace._ I fear is on the brink of ruin!

_Man._ I am sorry for it----what has happened?

Lady _Grace._ Nothing so very new! but the continual repetition of it, has at last rais'd my brother to an intemperance that I tremble at.

_Man._ Have they had any words upon it?

Lady _Grace._ He has not seen her since yesterday.

_Man._ What, not at home all night!

Lady _Grace._ About five this morning in she came! but with such looks, and such an equipage of misfortunes at her heels----what can become of her?

_Man._ Has not my lord seen her, say you?

Lady _Grace._ No! he chang'd his bed last night----I sat with him alone till twelve, in expectation of her: but when the clock had struck, he started from his chair, and grew incens'd to that degree, that had I not, almost on my knees, dissuaded him, he had ordered the doors that instant to have been locked against her.

_Man._ How terrible is his situation? when the most justifiable severities he can use against her, are liable to be the mirth of all the dissolute card-tables in town!

Lady _Grace._ 'Tis that, I know, has made him bear so long: but you that feel for him, Mr. _Manly_, will assist him to support his honour, and, if possible, preserve his quiet! therefore I beg you don't leave the house, 'till one or both of them can be wrought to better temper.

_Man._ How amiable is this concern, in you!

Lady _Grace._ For heaven's sake don't mind me, but think of something to preserve us all.

_Man._ I shall not take the merit of obeying your commands, Madam, to serve my Lord----but pray, Madam, let me into all that has past, since yesternight.