Part 2

_Aml._ I return your honour many thanks [_Sola._] Ah, there's my good lady, not so much as read her bill; if the rest were like her, I should soon have money enough to go as fine as _Dick_ himself.

_Enter ~Dick~._

_Dick._ Sure _Flippanta_ must have given my letter by this time; [_Aside._] I long to know how it has been received.

_Aml._ _Misericorde!_ what do I see!

_Dick._ Fiends and hags--the witch my mother!

_Aml._ Nay, 'tis he! ah, my poor _Dick_, what art thou doing here?

_Dick._ What a misfortune----

[_Aside._

_Aml._ Good lard! how bravely deck'd art thou. But it's all one, I am thy mother still: and tho' thou art a wicked child, nature will speak, I love thee still, ah, _Dick_, my poor _Dick_.

[_Embracing him._

_Dick._ Blood and thunder! will you ruin me?

[_Breaking from her._

_Aml._ Ah the blasphemous rogue, how he swears!

_Dick._ You destroy all my hopes.

_Aml._ Will your mother's kiss destroy you, varlet? Thou art an ungracious bird; kneel down, and ask my blessing, sirrah.

_Dick._ Death and furies!

_Aml._ Ah, he's a proper young man, see what a shape he has: ah, poor child.

[_Running to embrace him, he still avoiding her._

_Dick._ Oons, keep off, the woman's mad. If any body comes, my fortune's lost.

_Aml._ What fortune, ah? speak, graceless. Ah _Dick_, thou'lt be hang'd, _Dick_.

_Dick._ Good, dear mother, now don't call me _Dick_ here.

_Aml._ Not call thee _Dick_! Is not that thy name? What shall I call thee? Mr. _Amlet_? ha! Art not thou a presumptuous rascal? Hark you, sirrah, I hear of your tricks; you disown me for your mother, and say I'm but your nurse. Is not this true?

_Dick._ No, I love you; I respect you; [_Taking her hand._] I am all duty. But if you discover me here, you ruin the fairest prospect that man ever had.

_Aml._ What prospect? ha! come, this is a lie now.

_Dick._ No, my honour'd parent, what I say is true, I'm about a great fortune, I'll bring you home a daughter-in-law, in a coach and six horses, if you'll but be quiet; I can't tell you more now.

_Aml._ Is it possible!

_Dick._ It's true, by _Jupiter_.

_Aml._ My dear lad----

_Dick._ For Heaven's sake----

_Aml._ But tell me, _Dick_----

_Dick._ I'll follow you home in a moment, and tell you all.

_Aml._ What a shape is there----

_Dick._ Pray mother go.

_Aml._ I must receive some money here first, which shall go for thy wedding-dinner.

_Dick._ Here's somebody coming; s'death, she'll betray me.

_Enter ~Flippanta~._

[_He makes signs to his Mother._

_Dick._ Good-morrow, dear _Flippanta_; how do all the ladies within?

_Flip._ At your service, Colonel; as far at least as my interest goes.

_Aml._ Colonel!--Law you now, how _Dick_'s respected!

[_Aside._

_Dick._ Waiting for thee, _Flippanta_, I was making acquaintance with this old gentlewoman here.

_Aml._ The pretty lad, he's as impudent as a Page.

[_Aside._

_Dick._ Who is this good woman, _Flippanta_?

_Flip._ A gin of all trades; an old daggling cheat, that hobbles about from house to house to bubble the ladies of their money. I have a small business of your's in my pocket, Colonel.

_Dick._ An answer to my letter?

_Flip._ So quick indeed! No, it's your letter itself.

_Dick._ Hast thou not given it then yet?

_Flip._ I han't had an opportunity; but 'twon't be long first. Won't you go in and see my Lady?

_Dick._ Yes, I'll go make her a short visit. But dear _Flippanta_, don't forget: my life and fortune are in your hands.

_Flip._ Ne'er fear, I'll take care of 'em.

_Aml._ How he traps 'em; let _Dick_ alone.

[_Aside._

_Dick._ Your servant, good Madam.

[_To his Mother._

[_Exit ~Dick~._

_Aml._ Your Honour's most devoted.--A pretty, civil, well-bred gentleman this, Mrs. _Flippanta_. Pray whom may he be?

_Flip._ A man of great note; Colonel _Shapely_.

_Aml._ Is it possible! I have heard much of him indeed, but never saw him before: one may see quality in every limb of him: he's a fine man truly.

_Flip._ I think you are in love with him, Mrs. _Amlet_.

_Aml._ Alas, those days are done with me; but if I were as fair as I was once, and had as much money as some folks, Colonel _Shapely_ should not catch cold for want of a bed-fellow. I love your men of rank, they have something in their air does so distinguish 'em from the rascality.

_Flip._ People of Quality are fine things indeed, Mrs. _Amlet_, if they had but a little more money; but for want of that, they are forced to do things their great souls are asham'd of. For example--here's my Lady--she owes you but six and fifty pounds----

_Aml._ Well!

_Flip._ And she has it not by her to pay you.

_Aml._ How can that be?

_Flip._ I don't know; her cash-keeper's out of humour, he says he has no money.

_Aml._ What a presumptuous piece of vermin is a cash-keeper! Tell his Lady he has no money?--Now, Mrs. _Flippanta_, you may see his bags are full by his being so saucy.

_Flip._ If they are, there's no help for't; he'll do what he pleases, till he comes to make up his yearly accounts.

_Aml._ But Madam plays sometimes, so when she has good fortune, she may pay me out of her winnings.

_Flip._ O ne'er think of that, Mrs. _Amlet_: if she had won a thousand pounds, she'd rather die in a gaol, than pay off a farthing with it; play money, Mrs. _Amlet_, amongst people of quality, is a sacred thing, and not to be profan'd. 'Tis consecrated to their pleasures, 'twould be sacrilege to pay their debts with it.

_Aml._ Why what shall we do then? For I han't one penny to buy bread.

_Flip._----I'll tell you----it just now comes in my head: I know my Lady has a little occasion for money at this time; so----if you lend her----a hundred pounds----do you see, then she may pay you your six and fifty out of it.

_Aml._ Sure, Mrs. _Flippanta_, you think to make a fool of me.

_Flip._ No, the Devil fetch me if I do----You shall have a diamond necklace in pawn.

_Aml._ O ho, a pawn! That's another case. And when must she have this money?

_Flip._ In a quarter of an hour.

_Aml._ Say no more. Bring the necklace to my house, it shall be ready for you.

_Flip._ I'll be with you in a moment.

_Aml._ Adieu, Mrs. _Flippanta_.

_Flip._ Adieu, Mrs. _Amlet_.

[_Exit ~Amlet~._

_Flippanta ~sola~._

So----this ready money will make us all happy. This spring will set our basset going, and that's a wheel will turn twenty others. My Lady's young and handsome; she'll have a dozen intrigues upon her hands, before she has been twice at her prayers. So much the better; the more the grist, the richer the miller. Sure never wench got into so hopeful a place: Here's a fortune to be sold, a mistress to be debauched, and a master to be ruin'd. If I don't feather my nest, and get a good husband, I deserve to die both a maid and a beggar.

[Exeunt.

+ACT+ II.

+SCENE+, _Mr._ Gripe's _House_.

_Enter ~Clarissa~ and ~Dick~._

_Clar._ What in the name of dulness is the matter with you, Colonel? you are as studious as a crack'd chymist.

_Dick._ My head, Madam, is full of your husband.

_Clar._ The worst furniture for a head in the universe.

_Dick._ I am thinking of his passion for your friend _Araminta_.

_Clar._ Passion!----Dear Colonel, give it a less violent name.

_Enter ~Brass~._

_Dick._ Well, Sir, what want you?

_Brass._ The affair I told you of goes ill. [_To ~Dick~, aside._] There's an action out.

_Dick_. The Devil there is!

_Clar._ What news brings _Brass_?

_Dick._ Before Gad I cannot tell, Madam; the dog will never speak out. My Lord what-d'ye-call him waits, for me at my lodging: Is not that it?

_Brass._ Yes, Sir.

_Dick._ Madam, I ask your pardon.

_Clar._ Your servant, Sir.

[_Exeunt ~Dick~ and ~Brass~._

_Jessamin!_

[_She sits down._

_Enter ~Jessamin~._

_Jes._ Madam.

_Clar._ Where's _Corinna_? Call her to me, if her father han't lock'd her up: I want her company.

_Jes._ Madam, her guitar-master is with her.

_Clar._ Psha! she's taken up with her impertinent Guitar-Man. _Flippanta_ stays an age with that old fool, Mrs. _Amlet_. And _Araminta_, before she can come abroad, is so long a placing her coquet-patch, that I must be a year without company. How insupportable is a moment's uneasiness to a woman of spirit and pleasure!

_Enter ~Flippanta~._

_Clar._ O, art thou come at last? Pr'ythee, _Flippanta_, learn to move a little quicker, thou know'st how impatient I am.

_Flip._ Yes, when you expect money: If you had sent me to buy a Prayer-Book, you'd have thought I had flown.

_Clar._ Well, hast thou brought me any, after all?

_Flip._ Yes, I have brought some. There [_Giving her a purse._] the old hag has struck off her bill, the rest is in that purse.

_Clar._ 'Tis well; but take care, _Flippanta_, my husband don't suspect any thing of this; 'twould vex him, and I don't love to make him uneasy: So I would spare him these little sort of troubles, by keeping 'em from his knowledge.

_Flip._ See the tenderness she has for him, and yet he's always complaining of you.

_Clar._ 'Tis the nature of 'em, _Flippanta_; a husband is a growling animal.

_Flip._ How exactly you define 'em!

_Clar._ O! I know 'em, _Flippanta_: though I confess my poor wretch diverts me sometimes with his ill-humours. I wish he wou'd quarrel with me to-day a little, to pass away the time, for I find myself in a violent spleen.

_Flip._ Why, if you please to drop yourself in his way, six to four but he scolds one rubbers with you.

_Clar._ Ay, but thou know'st he's as uncertain as the wind; and if instead of quarrelling with me, he should chance to be fond, he'd make me as sick as a dog.

_Flip._ If he's kind, you must provoke him; if he kisses you, spit in his face.

_Clar._ Alas, when men are in the kissing fit, (like lap-dogs) they take that for a favour.

_Flip._ Nay, then, I don't know what you'll do with him.

_Clar._ I'll e'en do nothing at all with him----Flippanta.

[_Yawning._

_Flip._ Madam.

_Clar._ My hood and scarf, and a coach to the door.

_Flip._ Why, whither are you going?

_Clar._ I can't tell yet, but I would go spend some money, since I have it.

_Flip._ Why, you want nothing that I know of.

_Clar._ How aukward an objection now is that, as if a woman of education bought things because she wanted 'em. Quality always distinguishes itself; and therefore, as the mechanick people buy things, because they have occasion for 'em, you see women of rank always buy things because they have not occasion for 'em. Now, there, _Flippanta_, you see the difference between a woman that has breeding, and one that has none. O ho, here's _Araminta_ come at last.

_Enter ~Araminta~._

_Clar._ Lard, what a tedious while you have let me expect you! I was afraid you were not well; how d'ye do to-day?

_Aram._ As well as a woman can do, that has not slept all night.

_Flip._ Methinks, Madam, you are pretty well-awake, however.

_Aram._ O, 'tis not a little thing will make a woman of my vigour look drowsy.

_Clar._ But, pr'ythee, what was't disturb'd you?

_Aram._ Not your husband, don't trouble yourself; at least, I am not in love with him yet.

_Clar._ Well remember'd, I had quite forgot that matter. I wish you much joy, you have made a noble conquest indeed.

_Aram._ But now I have subdu'd the country, pray is it worth my keeping? You know the ground, you have try'd it.

_Clar._ A barren soil, heaven can tell.

_Aram._ Yet if it were well cultivated, it would produce something to my knowledge. Do you know 'tis in my power to ruin this poor thing of yours? His whole Estate is at my Service.

_Flip._ Cods-fish, strike him, Madam, and let my Lady go your halves. There's no sin in plundering a husband, so his wife has share of the booty.

_Aram._ Whenever she gives me her orders, I shall be very ready to obey 'em.

_Clar._ Why, as odd a thing as such a project may seem, _Araminta_, I believe I shall have a little serious discourse with you about it. But, pr'ythee, tell me how you have pass'd the night? For I am sure your mind has been roving upon some pretty thing or other.

_Aram._ Why, I have been studying all the ways my brain could produce to plague my husband.

_Clar._ No wonder indeed you look so fresh this morning, after the satisfaction of such pleasing ideas all night.

_Aram._ Why, can a woman do less than study mischief, when she has tumbled and toss'd herself into a burning-fever, for want of sleep, and sees a fellow lie snoring by her, stock-still, in a fine breathing sweat?

_Clar._ Now see the difference of women's tempers: If my dear would make but one nap of his whole life, and only waken to make his will, I shou'd be the happiest wife in the universe. But we'll discourse more of these matters as we go, for I must make a _tour_ among the Shops.

_Aram._ I have a coach waits at the door, we'll talk of 'em as we rattle along.

_Clar._ The best place in nature, for you know a hackney-coach is a natural enemy to a husband.

[_Exit ~Clar.~ and ~Aram.~_

_Flippanta ~sola~._

What a pretty little pair of amiable persons are there gone to hold a council of war together! Poor birds! What would they do with their time, if the plaguing their husbands did not help 'em to employment! Well, if idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's good for something, for it sets many a poor woman to work. But here comes Miss. I hope I shall help her into the Holy State too ere long. And when she's once there, if she don't play her part as well as the best of 'em, I'm mistaken. Han't I lost the letter I'm to give her?----No, here 'tis; so, now we shall see how pure nature will work with her, for art she knows none yet.

_Enter ~Corinna~._

_Cor._ What does my mother-in-law want with me, _Flippanta_? They tell me, she was asking for me.

_Flip._ She's just gone out, so I suppose 'twas no great business.

_Cor._ Then I'll go into my chamber again.

_Flip._ Nay, hold a little if you please. I have some business with you myself, of more concern than what she had to say to you.

_Cor._ Make haste then, for you know my father won't let me keep you company; he says, you'll spoil me.

_Flip._ I spoil you! He's an unworthy man to give you such ill impressions of a woman of my honour.

_Cor._ Nay, never take it to heart, _Flippanta_, for I don't believe a word he says. But he does so plague me with his continual scolding, I'm almost weary of my life.

_Flip._ Why, what is't he finds fault with?

_Cor._ Nay, I don't know, for I never mind him; when he has babbled for two hours together, methinks I have heard a mill going, that's all. It does not at all change my opinion, _Flippanta_, it only makes my head ache.

_Flip._ Nay, if you can bear it so, you are not to be pity'd so much as I thought.

_Cor._ Not pity'd! Why is it not a miserable thing, such a young creature as I am should be kept in perpetual solitude, with no other company but a parcel of old fumbling masters to teach me geography, arithmetic, philosophy, and a thousand useless things. Fine entertainment, indeed, for a young maid at sixteen! methinks one's time might be better employ'd.

_Flip._ Those things will improve your wit.

_Cor._ Fiddle-faddle; han't I wit enough already? My mother-in-law has learn'd none of this trumpery, and is not she as happy as the day is long?

_Flip._ Then you envy her, I find?

_Cor._ And well I may. Does she not do what she has a mind to, in spite of her husband's teeth?

_Flip._ Look you there now [_Aside._] if she has not already conceived that, as the supreme blessing of life.

_Cor._ I'll tell you what, _Flippanta_, if my mother-in-law would but stand by me a little, and encourage me, and let me keep her company, I'd rebel against my father to-morrow, and throw all my books in the fire. Why, he can't touch a groat of my portion; do you know that, _Flippanta_?

_Flip._ So----I shall spoil her. [_Aside._] Pray heaven the girl don't debauch me.

_Cor._ Look you: In short, he may think what he pleases, he may think himself wise: but thoughts are free, and I may think in my turn. I'm but a girl, 'tis true, and a fool too, if you believe him; but let him know, a foolish girl may make a wise man's heart ache; so he had as good be quiet--Now it's out----

_Flip._ Very well, I love to see a young woman have spirit, it's a sign she'll come to something.

_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, if you wou'd but encourage me, you'll find me quite another thing. I'm a devilish girl in the bottom; I wish you'd but let me make one amongst you.

_Flip._ That never can be, 'till you are marry'd. Come, examine your Strength a little. Do you think, you durst venture upon a husband?

_Cor._ A husband! Why a--if you wou'd but encourage me. Come, _Flippanta_, be a true friend now. I'll give you advice, when I have got a little more experience. Do you in your very conscience and soul think I am old enough to be marry'd?

_Flip._ Old enough! Why you are sixteen, are you not?

_Cor._ Sixteen! I am sixteen, two months, and odd days, woman. I keep an exact account.

_Flip._ The duce you are!

_Cor._ Why do you then truly and sincerely think I am old enough?

_Flip._ I do, upon my faith, child.

_Cor._ Why then, to deal as fairly with you, _Flippanta_, as you do with me, I have thought so any time these three years.

_Flip._ Now I find you have more wit than ever I thought you had; and to shew you what an opinion I have of your discretion, I'll shew you a thing I thought to have thrown in the fire.

_Cor._ What is it, for _Jupiter_'s sake?

_Flip._ Something will make your heart chuck within you.

_Cor._ My dear _Flippanta_!

_Flip._ What do you think it is?

_Cor._ I don't know, nor I don't care, but I'm mad to have it.

_Flip._ It's a four corner'd thing.

_Cor._ What, like a cardinal's cap?

_Flip._ No, 'tis worth a whole conclave of 'em. How do you like it?

[_Shewing the letter._

_Car._ O Lard, a letter!----Is there ever a token in it?

_Flip._ Yes, and a precious one too. There's a handsome young gentleman's heart.

_Cor._ A handsome young gentleman's heart! [_Aside._] Nay, then 'tis time to look grave.

_Flip._ There.

_Cor._ I shan't touch it.

_Flip._ What's the matter now?

_Cor._ I shan't receive it.

_Flip._ Sure you jest.

_Cor._ You'll find I don't. I understand myself better, than to take letters, when I don't know who they are from.

_Flip._ I am afraid I commended your wit too soon.

_Cor._ 'Tis all one, I shan't touch it, unless I know who it comes from.

_Flip._ Hey-day, open it, and you'll see.

_Cor._ Indeed I shall not.

_Flip._ Well----then I must return it where I had it.

_Cor._ That won't serve your turn, madam. My father must have an account of this.

_Flip._ Sure you are not in earnest?

_Cor._ You'll find I am.

_Flip._ So, here's fine work. This 'tis to deal with girls before they come to know the distinction of sexes.

_Cor._ Confess who you had it from, and perhaps, for this once, I mayn't tell my father.

_Flip._ Why then, since it must out, 'twas the Colonel: But why are you so scrupulous, madam?

_Cor._ Because if it had come from any body else----I would not have given a farthing for it.

[_Twitching it eagerly out of her hand._

_Flip._ Ah, my dear little rogue! [_Kissing her._] You frighten'd me out of my wits.

_Cor._ Let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, I say. Um, um, um, _Cupid_'s um, um, um, _Darts_, um, um, um, _Beauty_, um, _Charms_, um, um, um, _Angel_, um, _Goddess_, um--[_Kissing the letter._]--um, um, um, um, _truest Lover_, hum, um, _Eternal Constancy_, um, um, um, _Cruel_, um, um, um, _Racks_, um, um, _Tortures_, um, um, _fifty Daggers_, um, um, _bleeding Heart_, um, um, _dead Man_.

Very well, a mighty civil letter, I promise you; not one smutty word in it: I'll go lock it up in my comb-box.

_Flip._ Well--but what does he say to you?

_Cor._ Not a word of news, _Flippanta_, 'tis all about business.

_Flip._ Does he not tell you he's in love with you?

_Cor._ Ay, but he told me that before.

_Flip._ How so? He never spoke to you.

_Cor._ He sent me word by his eyes.

_Flip._ Did he so? mighty well. I thought you had been to learn that language.

_Cor._ O, but you thought wrong, _Flippanta_. What, because I don't go a visiting, and see the world, you think I know nothing. But you should consider, _Flippanta_, that the more one's alone, the more one thinks; and 'tis thinking that improves a girl. I'll have you to know, when I was younger than I am now, by more than I'll boast of, I thought of things would have made you stare again.

_Flip._ Well, since you are so well versed in your business, I suppose I need not inform you, that if you don't write your gallant an answer--he'll die.

_Cor._ Nay, now, _Flippanta_, I confess you tell me something I did not know before. Do you speak in serious sadness? Are men given to die, if their mistresses are sour to 'em?

_Flip._ Um----I can't say they all die----No, I can't say they all do; but truly, I believe it wou'd go very hard with the Colonel.

_Cor._ Lard, I would not have my hands in blood for thousands; and therefore, _Flippanta_,----if you'll encourage me----

_Flip._ O, by all means an answer.

_Cor._ Well, since you say it then, I'll e'en in and do it, tho' I protest to you (lest you should think me too forward now) he's the only man that wears a beard, I'd ink my fingers for. May be, if I marry him, in a year or two's time I mayn't be so nice.

[_Aside._

[_Exit ~Corinna~._

_Flippanta ~sola~._

Now heaven give him joy: he's like to have a rare wife o'thee. But where there's money, a man has a plaister to his sore. They have a blessed time on't, who marry for love. See!--here comes an example----_Araminta_'s dread lord.

_Enter ~Money-trap~._

_Mon._ Ah, _Flippanta_! How do you do, good _Flippanta_! How do you do?

_Flip._ Thank you, Sir, well, at your service.

_Mon._ And how does the good family, your master, and your fair mistress? Are they at home?

_Flip._ Neither of them; my master has been gone out these two hours, and my lady is just gone with your wife.

_Mon._ Well, I won't say I have lost my labour however, as long as I have met with you, _Flippanta_. For I have wish'd a great while for an opportunity to talk with you a little. You won't take it amiss, if I should ask you a few questions?

_Flip._ Provided you leave me to my liberty in my answers. What's this Cot-quean going to pry into now?

[_Aside._

_Mon._ Pr'ythee, good _Flippanta_, how do your master and mistress live together?

_Flip._ Live! Why--like man and wife, generally out of humour, quarrel often, seldom agree, complain of one another; and perhaps have both reason. In short, 'tis much as 'tis at your house.

_Mon._ Good-lack! but whose side are you generally of?

_Flip._ O' the right side always, my lady's. And if you'll have me give you my opinion of these matters, Sir, I do not think a husband can ever be in the right.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ Little, peeking, creeping, sneaking, stingy, covetous, cowardly, dirty, cuckoldy things.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ Fit for nothing but taylors and dry-nurses.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ A dog in a manger, snarling and biting, to starve gentlemen with good stomachs.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ A centry upon pleasure, set to be a plague on lovers, and damn poor women before their time.

_Mon._ A husband is indeed----

_Flip._ Sir, I say he is nothing----A beetle without wings, a windmill without sails, a ship in a calm.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ A bag without money----an empty bottle----dead small beer.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ A quack without drugs.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ A lawyer without knavery.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ A courtier without flattery.

_Mon._ Ha!

_Flip._ A king without an army----or a people with one. Have I drawn him, Sir?

_Mon._ Why truly, _Flippanta_, I can't deny but there are some general lines of resemblance. But you know there may be exceptions.

_Flip._ Hark you, Sir, shall I deal plainly with you? Had I got a husband, I wou'd put him in mind, that he was marry'd as well as I.

Sings.