Part 18

Count _Bas._ The son is an unlick'd whelp, about sixteen, just taken from school; and begins to hanker after every wench in the family: The daughter much of the same age, a pert, forward hussy, who having eight thousand pound left her by an old doating grandmother, seems to have a devilish mind to be doing in her way too.

_Moth._ And your design is to put her into business for life?

Count _Bas._ Look you, in short, Mrs. _Motherly_, we gentlemen whose occasional chariots roll, only, upon the four aces, are liable sometimes you know, to have a wheel out of order: Which, I confess, is so much my case at present, that my dapple greys are reduced to a pair of ambling chairmen: Now, if with your assistance, I can whip up this young jade into a hackney-coach, I may chance, in a day or two after, to carry her in my own chariot _en famille_, to an opera. Now what do you say to me?

_Moth._ Why, I shall not sleep--for thinking of it. But how will you prevent the family's smoaking your design?

Count _Bas._ By renewing my addresses to the mother.

_Moth._ And how will the daughter like that, think you?

Count _Bas._ Very well----whilst it covers her own affair.

_Moth._ That's true----it must do----but, as you say, one for t'other, Sir, I stick to that--if you don't do my niece's business with the son, I'll blow you with the daughter, depend upon't.

Count _Bas._ It's a bett--pay as we go, I tell you, and the five hundred shall be staked in a third hand.

_Moth._ That's honest----But here comes my niece! shall we let her into the secret?

Count _Bas._ Time enough! may be I may touch upon it.

_Enter ~Myrtilla~._

_Moth._ So, niece, are all the rooms done out, and the beds sheeted?

_Myr._ Yes, Madam, but Mr. _Moody_ tells us the lady always burns wax, in her own chamber, and we have none in the house.

_Moth._ Odso! then I must beg your pardon, Count; this is a busy time, you know.

[_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Count _Bas._ _Myrtilla_! how dost do, child?

_Myr._ As well as a losing gamester can.

Count _Bas._ Why, what have you lost?

_Myr._ What I shall never recover; and what's worse, you that have won it, don't seem to be much the better for't.

Count _Bas._ Why child, dost thou ever see any body overjoyed for winning a deep stake, six months after 'tis over?

_Myr._ Would I had never play'd for it!

Count _Bas._ Psha! Hang these melancholy thoughts; we may be friends still.

_Myr._ Dull ones.

Count _Bas._ Useful ones perhaps----suppose I should help thee to a good husband?

_Myr._ I suppose you think any one good enough that will take me off your hands.

Count _Bas._ What do you think of the young country 'Squire, the heir of the family, that's coming to lodge here?

_Myr._ How should I know what to think of him?

Count _Bas._ Nay, I only give you the hint, child; it may be worth your while, at least, to look about you--Hark! what bustle's that without.

_Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~ in haste._

_Moth._ Sir! Sir! the gentleman's coach is at the door! they are all come!

Count _Bas._ What, already?

_Moth._ They are just getting out!----won't you step and lead in my Lady? Do you be in the way, Niece! I must run and receive them.

[_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Count _Bas._ And think of what I told you.

[_Exit ~Count~._

_Myr._ Ay! ay! you have left me enough to think of, as long as I live----a faithless fellow! I'm sure I have been true to him; and for that very reason, he wants to be rid of me: But while women are weak, men will be rogues! And for a bane to both their joys and ours; when our vanity indulges them, in such innocent favours as make them adore us; we can never be well, 'till we grant them the very one, that puts an end to their devotion--But here comes my aunt, and the company.

_Mrs. ~Motherly~ returns shewing in Lady ~Wronghead~, led by Count ~Basset~._

_Moth._ If your Ladyship pleases to walk into this parlour, Madam, only for the present, 'till your servants have got all your things in.

Lady _Wrong._ Well! dear Sir, this is so infinitely obliging!--I protest it gives me pain tho' to turn you out of your lodging thus!

Count _Bas._ No trouble in the least, Madam; we single fellows are soon mov'd; besides, Mrs. _Motherly_'s my old acquaintance, and I could not be her hindrance.

_Moth._ The Count is so well bred, Madam, I dare say he would do a great deal more, to accommodate your Ladyship.

Lady _Wrong._ O dear Madam!----A good well bred sort of woman.

[_Apart to the ~Count~._

Count _Bas._ O Madam, she is very much among people of quality, she is seldom without them, in her house.

Lady _Wrong._ Are there a good many people of quality in this street, Mrs. _Motherly_?

_Moth._ Now your Ladyship is here, Madam, I don't believe there is a house without them.

Lady _Wrong._ I am mighty glad of that: for really I think people of quality should always live among one another.

Count _Bas._ 'Tis what one would choose indeed, Madam.

Lady _Wrong._ Bless me! but where are the children all this while?

_Moth._ Sir _Francis_, Madam, I believe is taking care of them.

Sir _Fran._ [_Within._] _John Moody_! stay you by the coach, and see all our things out--Come, children.

_Moth._ Here they are, Madam.

_Enter Sir ~Francis~, Squire ~Richard~, and Miss ~Jenny~._

Sir _Fran._ Well, Count! I mun say it, this was koynd, indeed!

Count _Bas._ Sir _Francis_! give me leave to bid you welcome to _London_.

Sir _Fran._ Psha! how dost do, mon----waunds, I'm glad to see thee! A good sort of a house this!

Count _Bas._ Is not that master _Richard_?

Sir _Fran._ Ey! ey! that's young hopeful----why dost not baw, _Dick_?

Squ. _Rich._ So I do, feyther.

Count _Bas._ Sir I'm glad to see you----I protest Mrs. _Jane_ is grown so, I should not have known her.

Sir _Fran._ Come forward, _Jenny_.

_Jenny._ Sure, papa, do you think I don't know how to behave myself?

Count _Bas._ If I have permission to approach her, Sir _Francis_.

_Jenny._ Lord, Sir, I'm in such a frightful pickle----

[_Salute._

Count _Bas._ Every dress that's proper must become you, Madam,----you have been a long journey.

_Jenny._ I hope you will see me in a better, to-morrow, Sir.

[_Lady ~Wrong.~ whispers Mrs. ~Moth.~ pointing to ~Myrtilla~._

_Moth._ Only a niece of mine, Madam, that lives with me: she will be proud to give your Ladyship any assistance in her power.

Lady _Wrong._ A pretty sort of a woman.----_Jenny_, you two must be acquainted.

_Jenny._ O, Mama! I am never strange, in a strange place!

[_Salutes ~Myrtilla~._

_Myr._ You do me a great deal of honour, Madam----Madam, your Ladyship's welcome to _London_.

_Jenny._ Mama! I like her prodigiously! she call'd me my Ladyship.

Squ. _Rich._ Pray mother, mayn't I be acquainted with her too!

Lady _Wrong._ You, you clown! stay 'till you learn a little more breeding first.

Sir _Fran._ Od's heart! my Lady _Wronghead_! why do you balk the lad? how should he ever learn breeding, if he does not put himself forward?

Squ. _Rich._ Why ay, feather, does moather think 'at I'd be uncivil to her?

_Myr._ Master has so much good-humour, Madam, he would soon gain upon any body.

[_He kisses ~Myr~._

Squ. _Rich._ Lo' you there, Moather: and you would but be quiet, she and I should do well enough.

Lady _Wrong._ Why, how now, sirrah! Boys must not be so familiar.

Squ. _Rich._ Why, an' I know nobody, haw the murrain mun I pass my time here, in a strange place? Naw you and I and sister, forsooth, sometimes in an afternoon moy play at one and thirty bone-ace, purely.

_Jenny._ Speak for yourself, Sir! D'ye think I play at such clownish games?

Squ. _Rich._ Why and you woant yo' ma' let it aloane; then she, and I, mayhap, will have a bawt at All-fours, without you.

Sir _Fran._ Noa! Noa! _Dick_, that won't do neither; you mun learn to make one at Ombre, here, Child.

_Myr._ If Master pleases, I'll shew it him.

Squ. _Rich._ What! the _Humber_! Hoy day! why does our River run to this Tawn, Feather?

Sir _Fran._ Pooh! you silly Tony! Ombre is a geam at cards, that the better sort of people play three together at.

Squ. _Rich._ Nay the moare the merrier, I say; but Sister is always so cross grain'd----

_Jenny._ Lord! this Boy is enough to deaf people----and one has really been stuft up in a Coach so long, that----Pray Madam----could not I get a little powder for my hair?

_Myr._ If you please to come along with me, Madam.

[_Exeunt ~Myr.~ and ~Jenny~._

Squ. _Rich._ What, has Sister ta'en her away naw! mess, I'll go and have a little game with 'em.

[_Ex. after them._

Lady _Wrong._ Well, Count, I hope you won't so far change your lodgings, but you will come, and be at home here sometimes?

Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay! pr'ythee come and take a bit of mutton with us, naw and tan, when thouh'st nowght to do.

Count _Bas._ Well, Sir _Francis_, you shall find I'll make but very little ceremony.

Sir _Fran._ Why ay naw, that's hearty!

_Moth._ Will your Ladyship please to refresh yourself, with a dish of tea, after your fatigue? I think I have pretty good.

Lady _Wrong._ If you please, Mrs. _Motherly_; but I believe we had best have it above stairs.

_Moth._ Very well, Madam: it shall be ready immediately.

[_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Lady _Wrong._ Won't you walk up, Sir?

Sir _Fran._ _Moody!_

Count _Bas._ Shan't we stay for Sir _Francis_, Madam?

Lady _Wrong._ Lard! don't mind him! he will come if he likes it.

_Sir Fran._ Ay, ay! ne'er heed me----I ha' things to look after.

[_Exeunt Lady ~Wrong.~ and ~Count Bas~._

_Enter ~John Moody~._

_John Moody._ Did you Worship want muh?

Sir _Fran._ Ay, is the coach clear'd? and all our things in?

_John Moody._ Aw but a few band-boxes, and the nook that's left o'th' goose poy----But a plague on him, th' Monkey has gin us the slip, I think----I suppose he's goon to see his relations; for here looks to be a power of 'um in this town----but heavy _Ralph_ is skawer'd after him.

Sir _Fran._ Why, let him go to the Devil! no matter, and the hawnds had had him a month agoe----but I wish the coach and horses were got safe to th' Inn! This is a sharp tawn, we mun look about us here, _John_, therefore I would have you go alung with _Roger_, and see that nobody runs away with them before they get to their stable.

_John Moody._ Alas-a-day, Sir: I believe our awld cattle woant yeasily be run away with to-night--but howsomdever, we'st ta' the best care we can of um, poor sawls.

Sir _Francis._ Well, well! make hast then----

[_~Moody~ goes out, and returns._

_John Moody._ Ods Flesh! here's Master _Monly_ come to wait upo' your Worship!

Sir _Fran._ Wheere is he?

_John Moody._ Just coming in at threshould.

Sir _Fran._ Then goa about your Business.

[_Ex. ~Moody~._

_Enter ~Manly~._

Cousin _Monly._ Sir, I am your very humble servant.

_Man._ I heard you were come, Sir _Francis_--and--

Sir _Fran._ Ods-heart! this was so kindly done of you naw.

_Man._ I wish you may think it so, Cousin! for I confess, I should have been better-pleas'd to have seen you in any other place.

Sir _Fran._ How soa, Sir?

_Man._ Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not concern'd.

Sir _Fran._ Look you, Cousin! thof' I know you wish me well; yet I don't question I shall give you such weighty reasons for what I have done, that you will say, Sir, this is the wisest Journey that ever I made in my life.

_Man._ I think it ought to be, Cousin; for I believe, you will find it the most expensive one--your Election did not cost you a trifle, I suppose.

Sir _Fran._ Why ay! it's true! That--that did lick a little; but if a man's wise, (and I han't fawn'd yet that I'm a fool) there are ways, Cousin, to lick one's self whole again.

_Man._ Nay if you have that secret----

Sir _Fran._ Don't you be fearful, Cousin----you'll find that I know something.

_Man._ If it be any thing for your good, I should be glad to know it too.

Sir _Fran._ In short then, I have a friend in a corner, that has let me a little into what's what, at _Westminster_----that's one thing.

_Man._ Very well! but what good is that to do you?

Sir _Fran._ Why not me, as much as it does other folks?

_Man._ Other people, I doubt, have the advantage of different qualifications.

Sir _Fran._ Why ay! there's it naw! you'll say that I have lived all my days i'the country----what then----I'm o'the _Quorum_----I have been at Sessions, and I have made Speeches there! ay, and at Vestry too----and may hap they may find here,----that I have brought my tongue up to town with me! D'ye take me, naw?

_Man._ If I take your case right, Cousin; I am afraid the first occasion you will have for your eloquence here, will be, to shew that you have any right to make use of it at all.

Sir _Fran._ How d'ye mean?

_Man._ That Sir _John Worthland_ has lodg'd a Petition against you.

Sir _Fran._ Petition! why ay! there let it lie----we'll find a way to deal with that, I warrant you!----why, you forget, Cousin, Sir _John_'s o'the wrong side, Mon.

_Man._ I doubt Sir _Francis_, that will do you but little service; for in cases very notorious (which I take yours to be) there is such a thing as a short day, and dispatching them immediately.

Sir _Fran._ With all my heart! the sooner I send him home again the better.

_Man._ And this is the scheme you have laid down, to repair your fortune?

Sir _Fran._ In one word, Cousin, I think it my duty! the _Wrongheads_ have been a considerable Family, ever since _England_ was _England_; and since the World knows I have talents where withal, they shan't say it's my fault, if I don't make as good a figure as any that ever were at the head on't.

_Man._ Nay! this project, as you have laid it, will come up to any thing your Ancestors have done these five hundred years.

Sir _Fran._ And let me alone to work it! mayhap I hav'n't told you all, neither----

_Man._ You astonish me! what! and is it full as practicable as what you have told me!

Sir _Fran._ Ay! thof' I say it----every whit, Cousin? you'll find that I have more irons i'the fire than one! I doan't come of a fool's errand!

_Man._ Very well.

Sir _Fran._ In a word, my wife has got a friend at Court, as well as myself, and her daughter _Jenny_ is naw pretty well grown up----

_Man._ [_Aside._]--And what in the Devil's name would he do with the Dowdy?

Sir _Fran._ Naw, if I doan't lay in for a husband for her, mayhap i'this Tawn, she may be looking out for herself----

_Man._ Not unlikely.

Sir _Fran._ Therefore I have some thoughts of getting her to be Maid of Honour.

_Man._ [_Aside._]--Oh! he has taken my breath away! but I must hear him out----Pray, Sir _Francis_, do you think her education has yet qualified her for a Court?

Sir _Fran._ Why, the Girl is a little too mettlesome, it's true! but she has tongue enough: She woan't be dasht! Then she shall learn to daunce forthwith, and that will soon teach her how to stond still, you know.

_Man._ Very well; but when she is thus accomplish'd, you must still wait for a vacancy.

Sir _Fran._ Why I hope one has a good chance for that every day, Cousin! For if I take it right, that's a post, that folks are not more willing to get into, than they are to get out of--It's like an Orange-tree, upon that accawnt----it will bear blossoms, and fruit that's ready to drop, at the same time.

_Man._ Well, Sir, you best know how to make good your pretensions! But pray where is my Lady, and my young Cousins? I should be glad to see them too.

Sir _Fran._ She is but just taking a dish of tea with the Count, and my Landlady--I'll call her dawn.

_Man._ No, no, if she's engag'd, I shall call again.

Sir _Fran._ Ods-heart! but you mun see her naw, Cousin; what! the best Friend I have in the World!----Here! Sweet-heart! [_To a Servant without._] pr'ythee desire my Lady, and the Gentleman to come down a bit; tell her here's Cousin _Manly_ come to wait upon her.

_Man._ Pray, Sir, who may the Gentleman be?

Sir _Fran._ You mun know him to be sure; why it's Count _Basset_.

_Man._ Oh! is it he?--Your Family will be infinitely happy in his acquaintance.

Sir _Fran._ Troth! I think so too: He's the civilest Man that ever I knew in my life----why! here he would go out of his own lodging, at an hour's warning, purely to oblige my family. Wasn't that kind, naw?

_Man._ Extremely civil--the Family is in admirable hands already.

Sir _Fran._ Then my Lady likes him hugely--all the time of _York_ Races, she would never be without him.

_Man._ That was happy, indeed! and a prudent Man, you know, should always take care that his Wife may have innocent company.

Sir _Fran._ Why ay! that's it! and I think there could not be such another.

_Man._ Why truly, for her purpose, I think not.

Sir _Fran._ Only naw and tan, he--he stonds a leetle too much upon ceremony; that's his fault.

_Man._ O never fear! he'll mend that every day----Mercy on us! what a head he has!

Sir _Fran._ So! here they come!

_Enter Lady ~Wronghead~, Count ~Basset~, and Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Lady _Wrong._ Cousin _Manly_! this is infinitely obliging! I am extremely glad to see you.

_Man._ Your most obedient Servant, Madam; I am glad to see your Ladyship look so well, after your Journey.

Lady _Wrong._ Why really! coming to _London_ is apt to put a little more life in one's looks.

_Man._ Yet the way of living here, is very apt to deaden the complexion----and give me leave to tell you, as a friend, Madam, you are come to the worst place in the world, for a good woman to grow better in.

Lady _Wrong._ Lord, Cousin! how should people ever make any figure in life, that are always moap'd up in the country?

Count _Bas._ Your Ladyship certainly takes the thing in a quite right light, Madam: Mr. _Manly_, your humble Servant----a hem.

_Man._ Familiar Puppy. [_Aside._] Sir, your most obedient----I must be civil to the Rascal, to cover my suspicion of him.

[_Aside._

Count _Bas._ Was you at _White_'s this morning, Sir?

_Man._ Yes, Sir, I just call'd in.

Count _Bas._ Pray--what--was there any thing done there?

_Man._ Much as usual, Sir; the same daily carcases, and the same crows about them.

Count _Bas._ The _Demoivre_-Baronet had a bloody tumble yesterday.

_Man._ I hope, Sir, you had your share of him.

Count _Bas._ No, faith! I came in when it was all over----I think I just made a couple of Bets with him, took up a cool hundred, and so went to the _King's Arms_.

Lady _Wrong._ What a genteel, easy manner he has!

[_Aside._

_Man._ A very hopeful acquaintance I have made here.

[_Aside._

_Enter Squire ~Richard~, with a wet brown Paper on his face._

Sir _Fran._ How naw, _Dick_! what's the matter with thy forehead, Lad?

Squ. _Rich._ I ha' gotten a knuck upon't.

Lady _Wrong._ And how did you come by it, you heedless creature?

Squ. _Rich._ Why, I was but running after sister, and t'other young woman, into a little room just naw: and so with that, they flapt the door full in my feace, and gave me such a whurr here--I thought they had beaten my brains out! so I gut a dab of wet brown paper here, to swage it a while.

Lady _Wrong._ They serv'd you right enough! will you never have done with your horse-play?

Sir _Fran._ Pooh! never heed it, Lad! it will be well by to-morrow--the Boy has a strong head!

_Man._ Yes, truly, his skull seems to be of a comfortable thickness.

[_Aside._

Sir _Fran._ Come, _Dick_, here's Cousin _Manly_----Sir, this is your God-son.

Lady _Wrong._ Oh! here's my daughter too.

_Enter Miss ~Jenny~._

Squ. _Rich._ Honour'd Gudfeyther! I crave leave to ask your blessing.

_Man._ Thou hast it, Child----and if it will do thee any good, may it be to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy father.

Lady _Wrong._ Miss _Jenny_! don't you see your cousin, Child?

_Man._ And for thee, my pretty Dear--[_Salutes her._] may'st thou be, at least, as good a woman as thy mother.

_Jenny._ I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir.

_Man._ Hah! Miss Pert! Now that's a thought, that seems to have been hatcht in the girl on this side _Highgate_.

[_Aside._

Sir _Fran._ Her tongue is a little nimble, Sir.

Lady _Wrong._ That's only from her country education, Sir _Francis_. You know she has been kept too long there----so I brought her to _London_, Sir, to learn a little more reserve and modesty.

_Man._ O, the best place in the world for it--every woman she meets will teach her something of it----There's the good gentlewoman of the house, looks like a knowing person; even she perhaps will be so good as to shew her a little _London_ behaviour.

_Moth._ Alas, Sir, Miss won't stand long in need of my instructions.

_Man._ That I dare say: What thou can'st teach her, she will soon be Mistress of.

[_Aside._

_Moth._ If she does, Sir, they shall always be at her service.

Lady _Wrong._ Very obliging indeed, Mrs. _Motherly_.

Sir _Fran._ Very kind and civil, truly----I think we are got into a mighty good hawse here.

_Man._ O yes, and very friendly company.

Count _Bas._ Humh! I'gad I don't like his looks----he seems a little smoky----I believe I had as good brush off----If I stay, I don't know but he may ask me some odd questions.

_Man._ Well, Sir, I believe you and I do but hinder the family----

Count _Bas._ It's very true, Sir--I was just thinking of going----He don't care to leave me, I see: But it's no matter, we have time enough. [_Aside._] And so Ladies, without ceremony, your humble Servant.

[_Exit Count ~Basset~, and drops a Letter._

Lady _Wrong._ Ha! what Paper's this? Some Billet-doux I'll lay my life, but this is no place to examine it.

[_Puts it in her Pocket._

Sir _Fran._ Why in such haste, Cousin?

_Man._ O! my Lady must have a great many affairs upon her hands, after such a journey.

Lady _Wrong._ I believe, Sir, I shall not have much less every day, while I stay in this town, of one sort or other.

_Man._ Why truly, Ladies seldom want employment here, Madam.

_Jenny._ And Mamma did not come to it to be idle, Sir.

_Man._ Nor you neither, I dare say, my young Mistress.

_Jenny._ I hope not, Sir.

_Man._ Ha! Miss Mettle!----Where are you going Sir?

Sir _Fran._ Only to see you to the door, Sir.

_Man._ Oh! Sir Francis, I love to come and go, without ceremony.

Sir _Fran._ Nay, Sir, I must do as you will have me--your humble Servant.

[_Exit ~Manly~._

_Jenny._ This Cousin _Manly_, Papa, seems to be but of an odd sort of a crusty humour----I don't like him half so well as the Count.

Sir _Fran._ Pooh! that's another thing, Child----Cousin is a little proud indeed! but however you must always be civil to him, for he has a deal of money; and no body knows who he may give it to.

Lady _Wrong._ Pshah; a fig for his money, you have so many projects of late about money, since you are a Parliament Man: What! we must make ourselves slaves to his impertinent humours, eight, or ten years perhaps, in hopes to be his heirs, and then he will be just old enough to marry his maid.

_Moth._ Nay, for that matter, Madam, the town says he is going to be married already.

Sir _Fran._ Who? Cousin _Manly_?

Lady _Wrong._ To whom, pray?

_Moth._ Why, is it possible your Ladyship should know nothing of it!----to my Lord _Townly_'s sister, Lady _Grace_.

Lady _Wrong._ Lady _Grace_?

_Moth._ Dear Madam, it has been in the New-Papers!

Lady _Wrong._ I don't like that neither.

Sir _Fran._ Naw, I do; for then it's likely it mayn't be true.

Lady _Wrong._ [_Aside._] If it is not too far gone; at least it may be worth one's while to throw a rub in his way.

Squ. _Rich._ Pray, Feyther, haw lung will it be to supper?

Sir _Fran._ Odso! that's true! step to the Cook, Lad, and ask what she can get us?

_Moth._ If you please, Sir, I'll order one of my maids to shew her where she may have any thing you have a mind to.

Sir _Fran._ Thank you kindly, Mrs. _Motherly_.

Squ. _Rich._ Ods-flesh! what, is not it i'the hawse yet----I shall be famisht----but howld! I'll go and ask _Doll_, an there's none o'the goose poy left.